Chapter Text
It was a very rude awakening.
Klaus fell out of bed and stared up into the charming, yet decidedly angry, face of his youngest brother and realized:
The little bugger pushed me off the bed.
"Ooooow," Klaus said. "Just… ouch. My bones have been bruised."
"Get up," Five said.
Blanket still tangled around his legs, Klaus reached down to pointedly pull it up over his head.
Five tried to pull the blanket off, but Klaus had a tight hold.
"Just get up," Five growled.
"I politely refuse," Klaus said.
"It's daytime," Five insisted. "You have to get up when it's time to get up."
"Who died and made you the sleep police?"
"I'm serious," Five said. "This is unacceptable behavior, Number Four."
"Wooow," Klaus said. "Just… I am speechless. I am without words."
"The day you're without words," Five said. "is the day I'm without brains."
Klaus giggled.
"You're already awake," Five said. "So get up."
"Nooo," Klaus said. "Nope, nope, nope."
"Why not?"
"Becaaause," Klaus said. "there's still a chance I can get back under."
"Under?"
"Yeah," Klaus said. "Under the sandman's gentle bosom."
"What?" Five said. "The sandman wouldn't have a bosom."
"Why wouldn't he?"
"He's a man." Five finally snatched the blanket away, the little monster.
"Oh my sweet summer child," Klaus said. "There exist in the world men with bosoms. One day, you will understand this."
"Okay, first of all," Five said. "We were born in autumn. Secondly, you're wrong."
For some reason, this was the funniest thing Klaus had heard in months. He laughed his ass off.
Which, of course, offended Five.
But a kick to the shoulder from a snooty thirteen year old in suspenders was not the cure to the giggles Five seemed to hope it would be.
Instead, it added fuel to the fire and Klaus laughed so hard he nearly suffocated.
"Are you high?"
"Hey," Klaus gasped. "I resent that accusation, sir."
"Do you?" Five said. "I found your stupid stash, so if anyone should be resenting anyone it's me."
That finally did the trick. The laughter petered out.
Klaus cleared his throat. "Okay, but in my defense… my therapist says weed is fine in moderation? As long as I don't-"
"Then why are you sleeping all day?"
"Huh?"
"It's 12 o'clock!" Five said. "It's daytime."
"Uh, yes," Klaus said. "But I was out until, like, 4 a.m. Don't you think I deserve my beauty sleep?"
"If you got home earlier," Five said. "You could wake up earlier."
"Nah," Klaus said. "I'm a vampire."
"That's stupid!"
"Tough."
"Listen," Five said. "You're freaking Ben out."
"Oh?" Klaus said. "This is news to me."
"So stop it," Five said. "Start acting normal."
"How about no?" Klaus said. "If Ben has a problem, he should talk to me himself."
"He doesn't like confrontation," Five said. "Everyone knows that."
"Trust me," Klaus said. "He'll grow into the most confrontational bastard you ever met."
"Ugh," Five said. "Why do you have to be so childish?"
"Hmm," Klaus said. "Maybe 'cause I'm an adult? So I get to be as childish as I damn well please."
"Fuck you," Five said.
"Oh my," Klaus said. "Please don't. That's incestuous."
Five wrinkled his adorable little nose. "Why are you so gross all the time?"
"Why are you so stuffy all the time?"
"Why are you so braindead?"
"Why are you so bitter?"
"Well, why are you so… so…" Five looked just about ready to explode with frustration.
Klaus finally sat up. "C'mon, little buddy. Let me have it."
"Why are you so depressed?" Five shouted.
Klaus blinked.
"Everything is better now," Five said. "Isn't it? Dad is gone, gay marriage is legal, um… you can wear whatever clothes you want?"
Klaus stared at him.
"Isn't it good?" Five said. "You don't make any sense. You should be happy."
Shit, Klaus thought. I need a couple years to process that.
"Klaus?"
Klaus swallowed. "Um… I do not have an answer for you."
"Why not?"
"Because free will is an illusion?" Klaus said. "And, um… the world is ugly?"
Plus, Old Five went the way of the dodo bird, Klaus thought. And the new Old Five hates me, so he must have secretly hated me all along.
"Forget it," Five said. "This is pointless."
Five vanished and the blanket he'd been holding fluttered sadly to the ground.
"Love you too," Klaus murmured.
Vanya's apartment was the new favorite hang out spot. It was like a little oasis, away from the sadness and chaos that often boiled under the surface at the academy.
Also, Vanya was a great audience.
"Then she said 'I've always wanted a threesome with two dudes!' as if I was somehow offering?"
Vanya was on the edge of her seat. "And then what did you say?"
"I said 'Námbre, your boyfriend is as straight as Barack Obama is black, so I'm not touching that man with a ten foot pole!"
Klaus mimed delicately poking at the aforementioned straight man. "Cause, you know, I value my life?"
"More Spanish?" Vanya said. "Námbre' is Spanish, right? What does it mean?"
"I got it from Jesús," Klaus said. "He says it's like 'nah bitch' and 'I'm so sure' rolled into one sassy little word."
"Which one is Jesús again?"
"He's the fuck buddy with the lesbian roommates," Klaus said. "The three of them have that four year old."
"Oh," Vanya said. "Are they, um, a throuple?"
"No, he just supplied the seedling," Klaus said. "Like, he's fond of the tyke, but he's not her dad. He's her uncle."
"Right," Vanya said. "But… yeah, like, what's with all the threesomes these days? People keep bringing them up."
"It's the bisexual stigma," Klaus said.
"There's a stigma? Here in 2020?" Vanya frowned thoughtfully. "I thought all that stuff was gone now."
"Oh honey," Klaus said. "You have been sheltered."
Vanya shifted uncomfortably. "I never acted on my attraction to women before Sissy. I would just assume every woman I met was straight?"
"That's so sad," Klaus said. "I'll find you a super tiny violin so you can play a sad song about your repressed sexuality."
Vanya rolled her eyes. "I'm not repressed anymore, Klaus."
"Righto," Klaus said. "A sad song on your regular violin, then?"
Vanya straightened up like a bloodhound and looked towards the front door a solid three seconds before the doorbell actually rang.
"Wow," Klaus said. "You really do have super hearing."
Vanya sighed. "It's Five."
"How do you know?"
"His spatial jumps," Vanya said. "They make a distinctive sound."
The doorbell rang again.
Vanya stood up and straightened out her back like a warrior princess preparing for battle.
"Uh," Klaus said. "You want me to get the door? You can hide in the bathroom."
"No, no," Vanya said. "Um, I'm just not looking forward to the boundaries talk."
Klaus smirked. "My, my, my. I sure picked a good day to come over."
Insistent knocking on the door now, then Five shouted, "I can hear voices! I know you're home, Vanya!"
"Please," Vanya whispered. "Please, don't antagonize him."
"Are you having a date?" Five called. "Should I come back tomorrow?"
Klaus laughed.
"Just a second!" Vanya called back.
Then she urgently whispered. "Maybe you should hide in the bathroom?"
"No way," Klaus said. "I gotta see the boundaries talk."
Vanya groaned.
"It's Klaus, isn't it?" Five said. "Dammit, can I just blink inside? Why are you making me wait?"
Sighing warily, Vanya hurried towards the door.
Klaus followed and gave Five a cheerful wave once the door was finally opened.
"See?" Five said. "I followed the rules. I stayed outside."
"Thank you," Vanya said. "But, um, I have a new stipulation for you."
"You guys are so stiff," Klaus said. "Is this a friendship or a business deal?"
"Shut up, Klaus," Five said. "What stipulation?"
"You have to call ahead," Vanya said. "And we have to agree on a date and time. You can't decide you want to see me on your own and then just turn up out of the blue like this."
Five squinted at her. "That what Klaus did?"
"Yeah, dude," Klaus said. "I'm a scholar and a gentleman."
"He always lets me know," Vanya said. "So… do you think you can do it? I still love you, but-"
"I get it," Five said. "Consider it done."
"Really?"
Five crossed his arms together. "Yes."
"Thank you," Vanya said. "Sorry."
Five sighed. "Then I guess I'll be going."
"Aaaaw," Klaus said. "But you just got here."
"Please don't go," Vanya said. "I just, I needed to let you know. For future reference. But that doesn't mean I want you to leave."
Five pursed his lips.
"Please stay?" Vanya said. "Pretty please?"
"Fine," Five said. "I'll stay."
"Hell yeah," Klaus said. "Let's get this party started."
Five and Vanya both stared at him.
They were basically the least fun pair of siblings in the family, but Klaus decided that was okay. He'd be fun enough on his own to make up for it.
"And that's how I found out 9/11 never happened," Klaus said. "Crazy, huh?"
"But the twin towers are still gone," Vanya said. "They're… they are gone, right? I think I would have noticed if they'd re-appeared."
"In this timeline," Five said. "they were never built in the first place. That's why they're still gone."
"Oh shit," Klaus said. "That makes so much sense!"
"Wait," Vanya said. "Did 9/11 not happen because the towers weren't built? Or was there still a plane hijacking?"
"The planes were still hijacked," Five said. "Remember how there were two of them? One landed in a field in D.C. That didn't change, but the other plane overshot New York."
Klaus grinned and pointed at Five. "What he said. Look at our little boy genius, spitting facts."
Klaus tried to ruffle Five's hair, but Five saw it coming and teleported a bit to the left to dodge.
"But how did it end up overshooting New York?" Vanya said. "Where did it land?"
"It landed in the harbor," Five said. "As for how, I can only guess. Maybe the Commission interfered directly, but it could have been a butterfly effect."
"What a world we live in!" Klaus said. "All our tragedies getting solved for us."
"It was still a tragedy," Five said. "Since some of the passengers died. But it was small scale, so it was quickly forgotten. Though the irritation of airport security theater was still put into effect."
"I see," Klaus said. "Well anyway, I wish someone had told me sooner. I fucking bombed that night."
"You shouldn't be making 9/11 jokes in the first place," Vanya said. "It's hurtful."
"Not anymore, it's not," Five muttered.
"Riiiight," Klaus said. "And I'll never do it again, sis. 9/11 has been officially banned."
Vanya nodded absently. Most of her attention was on Five, so Klaus decided the oasis had been contaminated.
"My, my," Klaus said. "Look at the time. I just remembered I have a dick appointment in ten minutes from now."
Five huffed. "Don't be-"
"It's my right as an American citizen," Klaus said. "to be as gross or crass or childish as I want."
"Um," Vanya said. "Yes?"
"But I digress," Klaus said. "I've gotta skedaddle. Don't miss me too much. We shall meet again."
"Uh huh," Five said. "Run along, then."
Klaus grinned. "You two have fun now, ya hear?"
He moonwalked backwards towards the door, shooting at them with his most awkward finger guns.
After closing it behind him, Klaus pressed his ear against the crack in the door and held his breath.
"Klaus hates me," Five said.
Damn, Klaus said. Right out the gate, shots fired.
"He doesn't hate you," Vanya said. "He just… you're a little mean to him?"
"When am I mean to him?"
"Like… always?"
"He's mean to me," Five said. "He wasn't like this in 2002."
Hmm, Klaus thought. Maybe I don't want to hear this.
"We've changed, Five," Vanya said. "We grew up without you."
"Like that's my fault?"
Shots fired! Klaus gasped softly to himself.
"Wait," Vanya said. "I heard something."
Shit! Klaus thought. Super hearing!
Not wanting to be murdered for his crimes against humanity, Klaus ran for his life.
For most of winter, the snow seemed depressing. Watching people make snow angels, or go sledding, or- god forbid- build snowmen made Klaus want to pick up a hot poker and stab everything until it melted.
But then one day… those feelings were just gone.
Mostly gone anyway.
Soon the snow would be gone too, so Klaus had to do something.
He found Five alone in the academy library.
"Sooooo," Klaus said. "Just you and me today, huh?"
Five didn't even look up from his book. He just grunted.
"Cause everyone else is out," Klaus said. "Everyone else is living life."
Five frowned. "Mom too?"
"Yep," Klaus said. "This place is a ghost town."
"Go haunt the halls, then."
"Listen," Klaus said. "How much do you love me?"
Five finally looked up. "Not even a little bit."
Klaus mimed being shot in the heart, complete with dramatic collapse.
"Leave me alone," Five said. "You have lots of friends."
Klaus scrambled back up, leaning against Five's armchair.
"But Fiiiiive," Klaus said. "I only have one of you."
Five did not find this as funny as Klaus did. He scowled.
"Okay fine," Klaus said. "But it doesn't snow in California."
"So?"
"I'm on a mission," Klaus said. "Should you choose to help me, we will achieve great things."
"What great things?"
"The greatest thing," Klaus said. "The best thing you can achieve in the winter!"
"Don't beat around the bush," Five grumbled. "What do you want?"
"This is more than a want," Klaus said. "This is the need of a desperate man. This is the single most important favor I will ever ask of you."
"But-"
"Should you refuse me," Klaus said. "I will die. I'll never recover."
Five tilted his head. "What's the favor?"
"Help me build a snowman," Klaus said.
"Wow," Five said. "You almost had me."
"Hey now," Klaus said. "This is serious business."
"Sure it is," Five said.
"It's for emotional recovery," Klaus said. "And, like, catharsis?"
Five rolled his eyes.
"Five, I'll die."
"You can get someone else to-"
"No one else is home," Klaus said. "It falls to you."
"Time will pass," Five said. "Someone will show up, so wait like a good boy."
Klaus grinned. Baby Five was finally picking up the lingo.
"I cannot!" Klaus said. "I refuse! I'll collapse in on myself with longing, I'll crumple under the weight of-"
"Will it take long?" Five said.
"Nope!" Klaus said. "We'll do a snowman speedrun. We'll fast track this bitch."
Five huffed.
"Is it the cold?" Klaus said. "I noticed you never go outside."
"I go out," Five said. "Yesterday I went to-"
"But you skipped the outside, didn't you?" Klaus said. "You jumped from one indoor place to another indoor place."
Five shifted in his seat, lifting his book in front of his face to block Klaus from looking at him.
"Aaaaw," Klaus said. "The cold is too much for our little Five to handle? Nevermind then, I'll wait for someone with a stronger constitution."
"Fuck off," Five said. "My constitution is just fine."
"Is it?" Klaus said. "Then, will you brave the elements? For me?"
Five put his book down. "Fiiiine."
"Yes!" Klaus kissed Five on the forehead too quickly for Five to react. "I love you!"
"Yeah, yeah." Five grumpily wiped at his forehead. "Dress warmly."
Ben wanted to watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
"Goddammit, Ben," Five said. "We've talked about this."
"But they added zombies," Ben said.
"I'm with Five," Klaus said. "I love ya, Benny, but I can't handle another Jane Austen phase."
Ben pouted.
"There are tons of zombie movies," Five said. "Pick any one of them."
"Ooooh!" Klaus raised his hand and waved it in the air. "I vote for Shaun of the Dead!"
"Noooo," Ben whined. "I hate that one."
"This is hopeless," Five said. "We might as well pick three separate movies and watch them on our own."
Klaus tutted. "Now you're just being negative."
"Forget the zombies," Ben said. "Let's go with something else."
Klaus smirked. "Pirates of the Caribbean?"
Five wrinkled his nose.
"Too soon," Ben said.
"Aw, c'mon," Klaus said. "Jack Sparrow is practically celibate. He goes the whole movie without a love interest."
Five turned to Ben. "Is he lying?"
"No sir," Ben said. "It's true. Jack Sparrow is above romance."
"He don't need no man," Klaus said. "Miss Swann on the other hand-"
"There aren't any sex scenes," Ben quickly interrupted. "It's a child friendly movie."
Five huffed.
"The pirates are practically zombies," Klaus said. "They're cursed and undead."
That caught Five's interest. He was kind of obsessed with undead characters lately.
"We'll watch it," Five said. "On one condition."
"What's that?" Klaus said.
"If there are any songs," Five said. "You're forbidden from singing along."
"That's easy," Klaus said. "Right Ben?"
"Very do-able," Ben agreed. "Very easy."
"Glad we're in agreement," Five said.
Later, Klaus broke his word. He just couldn't resist yo ho-ing along when the opportunity presented itself.
Five rolled his eyes, but didn't even bother to commit violence.
He secretly loves me, Klaus thought. We all know it's true.
For Halloween, Ben and Vanya went to L.A.
"It's a damn shame," Klaus said. "I'm the sexiest Jack Sparrow that ever did live."
Allison pulled out her phone and pointed it at him. "Pose for me, darling. They'll witness your majesty."
Klaus happily did so, draping himself against the stairway bannister as if he'd had too much rum.
"You're going to fall," Five said.
"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Klaus said. "Mourn me if I die.”
“I’ll bury you with roses,” Allison said.
Klaus grinned at her. “See? This is why you’re my favorite.”
Allison grinned back, then showed him the photos she’d taken.
“It’s too bad you didn’t bring a costume,” Klaus said. “Maybe we can still find you one?”
“That’s okay,” Allison said. “I’ll just put on a black dress and call myself a witch.”
“Doesn’t work without a hat,” Klaus said. “It’s gotta be a dramatically pointy hat.”
“Can I stay home?” Five said. “This is a pointless holiday.”
Klaus frowned sternly. “No. You cannot, sir.”
“Did you buy a costume for Five?” Allison said. “Because if you did, I need to see it.”
Five groaned.
“I did,” Klaus said. “But this child is not cooperating.”
“Can’t I just wear the Umbrella Academy uniform?” Five said. “I’ll tell anyone who sees me that I’m Number Five Hargreeves and they’ll think I’m kidding.”
Klaus pursed his lips. “Hmm… that’s actually not a bad idea.”
“And Diego can wear his usual black leather,” Allison said. “With the domino mask. He’ll look like an emo superhero.”
“Oh, Diego’s not joining us,” Klaus said. “He’s too cool for Halloween.”
“That so?” Allison said. “Or does he have plans with his girlfriend?”
“No,” Five said. “He says Halloween is the most crime riddled night of the year.”
“Of course,” Allison said. “What was I thinking?”
“And in case you were wondering,” Klaus said. “Luther got roped into helping some theater kids build a haunted house.”
Allison nonchalantly twirled a strand of hair around her finger, but Klaus saw right through her.
“I wasn’t wondering,” Allison said. “But good to know.”
“I thought the haunted house was finished?” Five said. “Why are they still bothering him?”
“They asked him to participate,” Klaus said. “Like, he’s going to play one of the monsters.”
“Wow,” Allison said. “I bet that’s… quite a sight.”
Klaus waggled his eyebrows at her. “Should we check it out?”
“Absolutely not,” Five said.
“Absolutely yes,” Allison said.
Five sighed.
“Fiiiiive,” Klaus whined. “Don’t you love me?”
“No.”
“Yes, you do!” Klaus said. “You love me to bits.”
“I don’t love you enough to put up with this,” Five said. “Just go with Allison.”
Stealthily, Allison took a couple of little steps back and pointed her phone at them.
Sneaky sneaky, Klaus thought. She’s totally filming this.
“But I love you so much,” Klaus said. “I’ll die without you.”
“No, you won’t.”
“I will,” Klaus said. “I love you so much that, without you, I’ll collapse in on myself like a dying star.”
Five squinted at him.
“I’ll become a black hole,” Klaus continued. “And I’ll mindlessly destroy anything that comes near me.”
“Don’t be dramatic,” Five said. “Jesus Christ. I’ll go with you.”
“You’re the best brother a guy could ask for,” Klaus said.
“You guys are too cute,” Allison said. “I love you both.”
Five glared at her. “Are you taking pictures?”
She winced and tried to hide her phone behind her back, but Five warped behind her and snatched it up.
Five was scandalized by what he found there. “Allison!”
“I love you!” she said, giggling.
“I’m deleting this,” Five said. “How dare you.”
“Yeah, how dare you,” Klaus said. “You’re better than this, Allison.”
Allison stuck her tongue out at them.
Five was holed up in his room, sulking after crashing the family car into a tree. Luther and Vanya had done their best to lecture him, but those two were too soft.
Klaus decided he had to dish out the discipline himself.
"In a normal family," Klaus said, through Five’s door. "We would ground you, mister."
"Fuck off!"
"But since you love being a little hermit," Klaus continued. "I figure the opposite works, eh? For the rest of today you shall be given no privacy."
"Fuck. Off!"
"I will not!" Klaus said. "I will fuck on."
It took around ten minutes from him to pick the lock. Diego would have been ashamed, but Klaus was rather proud of himself.
As soon as the door was open, Five disappeared.
Little did he know, Klaus was an expert at hide and seek.
"Fuck off!" Five screamed. "Stop following me!"
Five was absolutely furious by this turn of events, but Klaus was tickled pink. It was even easier to find Baby Five around the academy than it had been with Old Five.
"Still got juice?" Klaus said. "Go on, try again. I bet I'll find you twice as fast."
"I'm going to shove your head into a trash compactor!"
“Now I know you’re getting tired,” Klaus quipped. “You always resort to shoving heads into things when you’re running out of insults.”
“I despise you,” Five growled.
“And I love you,” Klaus said. “But, see, Uncle Klaus is trying to teach you a lesson.”
“Don’t refer to yourself in the third person,” Five said. “It’s juvenile.”
“Sure,” Klaus said. “I’ll accept your wisdom.”
“You will?”
“Yep,” Klaus said. “In exchange, how about you stop stealing Luther’s car keys?”
“Fuck off.”
Klaus tutted. “Then the game goes on.”
Five groaned and tried to teleport, but the blue light only sparked for a second, then fizzled out.
“Aha!” Klaus said. “You’re finished.”
“I’m going to kill you,” Five said.
“And I am going to hug you,” Klaus said.
“Don’t you dare!”
Klaus charged at him and Five ran for it, full pedal to the metal.
The little guy was as nimble as a tree frog, but Klaus eventually caught him and pinned him to the ground.
It was kind of nostalgic, in a lot of ways. Like the sparring matches Dad would make them get into as kids.
“No, no, no,” Five said. “Let me go. Let me go, I say!”
“Shhh.” Klaus tried to shift them into a more comfortable position, but Five nearly wiggled out of the grip. Klaus had to put his weight back on him. “C’mon, isn’t this a tame punishment?”
“No,” Five said. “I’m dying. I’m dying!”
“Why are you dying?”
Klaus moved so that he was sort of caging Five without suffocating him. He looked down to make sure the kid was okay and saw that Five was covering his face with his hands.
“Five?”
“He caught me,” Five mumbled.
“Yes, I did,” Klaus said.
“No,” Five said. “Dad caught me. He caught me again!”
Klaus sprang back to give Five space.
“I am so sorry,” Klaus said. “I didn’t mean to trigger a memory.”
Five sat up and hugged his knees to his chest. He had his eyes squeezed tightly shut.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Klaus said.
Five shook his head.
“Was it one of those training sessions?” Klaus said. “I had some rough training too. Dad would lock me up in the mausoleum for hours.”
Five put his forehead against his knees.
“Okay,” Klaus said. “So we’re not talking about it. That’s fair. Um, do you want ice cream?”
“Fuck off,” Five muttered.
“I’m not leaving you alone like this,” Klaus said. “How about some music? Classical music? Violin?”
Five took a deep shuddering breath.
“Violin,” Klaus said, decidedly. “Vanya sent me a recording of her new concert. You want to hear it?”
“Yes,” Five said.
“Great,” Klaus said. “You just sit tight. I’ll keep my mouth shut, yeah? Starting... now.”
Klaus set up the song and put his phone down near Five, then scooted further back.
For a while, Five remained frozen in his little crouched position.
But, eventually, Five uncurled and crawled towards Klaus.
Klaus held his breath and kept still as Five knelt behind him.
“Don’t hug me,” Five whispered. “I’m hugging you.”
“Yessir,” Klaus said. “You’re very generous.”
“Shut up,” Five said. “You’re not allowed to talk.”
Klaus nodded.
Then Five pressed his chest up against Klaus’s back and tightly curled his arms around.
And they just sat like that, listening to Vanya’s gentle violin.