Chapter Text
It took a while, but Five finally found Mom in the garden.
These days, she switched hobbies faster than Ben switched genres, but Five had finally figured out her pattern: Mom was a builder. She loved to make things, whether it was food, or art, or- apparently- plants.
“Hello there,” Mom said. “Did you need something, dear?”
She was dressed in overalls and kneeling in soil, but her smile was the same as it had always been. She was still Mom.
Five cleared his throat. “Mother, I have a headache.”
“Ah.” Mom stood up and regarded him. “Would you like to take a nap?”
“Yes, please.”
Mom smiled. “Sweetie. I want you to know something.”
“Yeah?”
Mom carefully removed her gardening gloves, then put her hand on his shoulder.
“Five,” Mom said. “You don’t need permission to take a nap.”
“I don’t?”
“No, dear,” Mom said. “It doesn’t matter what time it is.”
“Oh,” Five said. “That’s… right. Of course.”
“So you go right ahead,” Mom said. “Take a nap whenever you’d like.”
“Thank you,” Five said. “I mean… yes.”
At this knowledge, it was tempting to teleport immediately... but that would have been rude.
“I’m going now,” Five announced.
“Okay,” Mom said. “I love you.”
“Love you too,” Five said. “Um, disappearing in three… two… one.”
He left.
“Mother,” Five said. “I… I’d like to take a nap.”
Today, Mom was building a massive sculpture. It was the largest one yet and rather impressive, but Five politely averted his gaze from it.
Luther said it wasn’t a bad statue. It wasn’t filthy, but… it sort of almost looked naked.
“Can I ask you a question?” Mom said.
Five glared at the ceiling. “Yes.”
“Are you upset, dear?”
“No,” Five said. “I am not upset.”
“I see,” Mom said. “Do you want me to ask your brothers to leave you alone while you nap?”
“Yes,” Five said.
“Alright,” Mom said. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Don’t you dare ask! Five thought. You filthy pervert! Don’t act like Oedipus!
Stiffly, Five said, “No, ma’am.”
“Alright, sweetie,” Mom said. “Enjoy your nap.”
“Mom? Are you busy?”
She was in the kitchen this time.
“Not at all,” Mom said. “I was just about to make lunch.”
“Do you need any help with that?”
Mom grinned. “I would love some help.”
Like a rocket ship preparing for liftoff, Five buckled down to get to work. But he knew he had to be careful about it. If his head got too big, he would scare her off like Ben with the library clerk.
“I’m not good at cooking,” Five said, politely. “You’ll have to show me.”
“Don’t you worry,” Mom said. “I’m an excellent teacher.”
Five chuckled. “You’d better be.”
“Um, I have a question,” Five said. “Don’t you dare laugh at me.”
Mom gasped exaggeratedly. “I would never. What do you take me for?”
Five smiled. “A woman who loves to tease me.”
“Nonsense,” Mom said. “You, sir, are paranoid.”
Five chuckled nervously. “Why does everyone keep calling me ‘sir’?”
“Don’t worry about that sweetie,” Mom said. “It’s a term of endearment.”
“It is?”
“Of course,” Mom said. “We call you ‘sir’ because we love you.”
“Hmm,” Five said. “No, I think it’s something else.”
“Something else?”
“Maybe not when you do it,” Five said. “You use it the way Klaus does.”
“And how does Klaus use it?”
“You know,” Five said. “Sarcastically.”
“Oh,” Mom said. “You’re absolutely right.”
“But everyone else… no. Nevermind. I’ve gotten off track.”
“Off track?”
“Mother,” Five said. “That wasn’t the question I was intending to ask. Pardon my slip.”
“I understand,” Mom said. “Please, ask your question.”
“It’s about Luther and Allison,” Five said. “I’m… concerned.”
“I see,” Mom said. “Why are you concerned?”
“They forgot about Oedipus,” Five said.
Mom frowned.
“Don’t get it twisted,” Five said. “I’m not a homophobe.”
“I’m sorry?” Mom said.
“I said I’m not a homophobe,” Five said.
“Okay,” Mom said. “There has been a mix up of some kind here.”
“There has?”
“Yes,” Mom said. “But don’t you worry. I know how to untangle it.”
Five grinned. “You’ve always been the best at untangling my mix ups.”
“Of course!” Mom straightened up proudly. “I know you best, darling.”
Five laughed.
“To start with,” Mom said. “What do you think ‘homophobe’ means?”
“It means ‘racist’,” Five said.
“Aha,” Mom said. “No, it doesn’t.”
“It doesn’t?”
“You’re thinking of a different word,” Mom said. “You’re thinking of ‘prejudice’ aren’t you?”
“Of course,” Five said. “All three of those words are the same.”
Mom giggled. “No, silly. They aren’t the same.”
“Really?”
“Don’t you worry,” Mom said. “We’ll sort this out.”
“Perfect,” Five said. “You’re a hero.”
Mom laughed.
“You aren’t a pervert,” Mom said.
“Yes I am.”
“No, no, no,” Mom said.
“I’ve had impure thoughts,” Five said. “Impure thoughts make me a pervert!”
“No, honey,” Mom said. “Those thoughts were not impure.”
“Yes, they were,” Five said.
“Sweetie,” Mom said. “Can I ask you a question?”
Five groaned.
“Please?”
“Fiiiine,” Five said. “Ask.”
“Remember your confusion with the pirates?”
Five winced.
“You remember?”
“Ugh,” Five said. “Yes. I remember.”
“It’s just like that,” Mom said. “It’s the same thing.”
“No, it isn’t!”
“Let me ask you another question,” Mom said.
“The heck,” Five said.
“Just one more,” Mom said. “Please?”
“Alright. Fine.”
“Do you think Klaus is a pervert?”
Five frowned. “Of course not.”
“Then why is it alright for Klaus,” Mom said. “to ask for as many hugs as he wants?”
“Because he’s Klaus,” Five said. “He’s allowed to ask for hugs.”
“But you aren’t?”
“Mother,” Five said. “I’m not Klaus.”
“What about Diego?” Mom said. “Is Diego allowed to ask for hugs?”
“Yes,” Five said. “But only with you. Strictly, only with you.”
“What about Detective Patch?” Mom said.
“No, Mother,” Five said. “You got mixed up.”
“I did?”
“There’s a word,” Five said. “Klaus has the perfect word for it.”
“Please,” Mom said. “Tell me the word.”
Five took a deep breath.
“Go on,” Mom said. “Tell me the word.”
Five straightened up and folded his arms behind his back.
“Actually,” Five said. “There are three words. See, it’s all about categorizing things properly.”
“Okay,” Mom said. “How are you categorizing?”
“The first word is platonic,” Five said. “That’s you and Diego.”
Five grinned.
“Go on,” Mom said. “Give me the second word.”
“The second word,” Five said. “Is romantic. That’s Patch and Diego.”
“Very good!” Mom said. “There you go!”
Fuck yes, Five thought. I’m a genius!
But this burst of self confidence was as strong as it was fleeting. Five enjoyed it like a sudden gust of wind that had swept into the harbor of hope, only to die out before his boat could get anywhere productive.
“Don’t you dare stop now,” Mom said. “Tell me the third word. Go on, sir.”
“And the third word,” Five said. “Is… um.”
Five glared at the ceiling.
“Can I guess?” Mom said.
“Yes, please.”
“Does it have to do with sex?”
“Ugh,” Five said. “I hate that word. Use ‘copulation’ won’t you?”
“Yessir.” Mom said, laughing.
“You’re not allowed to laugh at me!” Five said.
“Don’t be like that,” Mom said, pouting playfully.
“Don’t pout at me,” Five said.
“I shall pout whenever I like,” Mom said.
“Jerk,” Five said.
Mom grinned. “I understand your mix up, dear.”
“You do?”
“I’m going to ask you another question,” Mom said. “Don’t you dare get offended.”
Five huffed.
“Do you want to copulate with me?”
“Of course not!” Five said. “That would be perverted!”
“But there you have it,” Mom said. “You aren’t a pervert because you don’t want to copulate with me.”
Five winced.
“Hugging is not the same as copulating,” Mom said.
“Of course it isn’t,” Five said, aghast. “But you have to understand. They look very similar. So you have to be careful when you touch people.”
“I know they look similar,” Mom said. “But I think you’re conflating a few things.”
“No,” Five said. “I’m not conflating anything.”
“Are you sure?” Mom said.
“I know hugging isn’t the same as copulating!” Five said. “I say what I mean, and mean what I say!”
“Alright,” Mom said. “We’re going to get to the bottom of this. Just you wait.”
“You’re doubting me,” Five said. “You think I’m lying to you?”
“No, sweetie,” Mom said.
“I have proof,” Five said. “Do you know why I know that hugging and copulating are not the same?”
“How do you know?”
“Before I tell you,” Five said. “Know that this is a secret. You are not allowed to breathe a word of it to anyone.”
“I understand,” Mom said.
“Should you tell someone,” Five said. “I will never trust you again.”
“Okay,” Mom said. “I hear you.”
Five took a deep breath. “Okay. So, I decided when I was younger that Ben is the exception to the rule.”
"What rule?"
"The hugging rule," Five said. "The only time I ignored it was…"
Five frowned at his shoes.
"Tell me," Mom said.
"Ben wasn't here," Five said. "It was before the old man rescued him."
"Go on," Mom said.
"I tried to stop myself from allowing it," Five said. "But you kept insisting, so finally, I suppose I was desperate. Because Ben wasn't here. I hadn't seen him at all. He wasn't anywhere and everyone was acting strange and and then he was d-dead."
He had to stop himself there. This was unacceptable.
It was too emotional.
Five bit into his lip hard.
“How are you feeling?” Mom said.
“Pernicious,” Five said.
"Okay," Mom said. “Permission to hug you?”
"No!" Five said. "It isn't allowed!"
"Why?" Mom said. "Reginald told me to hug all of my children. When did he tell you we couldn't?"
"No, Mother," Five said. "This has nothing to do with him."
"What?" Mom said.
"It's not a rule he came up with," Five said. "It's my rule. I only follow my rules!"
Mom stared at him. It was the kind of look he was used to receiving, but not from Mom.
It was the kind of stare that said 'You're an alien, Five.' A look that stranded him on the moon.
"Disappearing," Five said.
"Wait!" Mom said.
"I will not," Five said.
"Reconvene," Mom said. "One hour."
"Five hours," Five said. "Goodbye."
Then he teleported.
Alone in his room, Five got into bed.
He was in desperate need of a nap.
The knocking startled him out of his funk so harshly that he flinched with it.
“Honey?” Mom called, through the door. “Won’t you come out of your room?”
Five bit his lip.
“Five?” Mom said. “Are you in there?”
Five cleared his throat. “Yes, Mother.”
“Thank you for answering,” Mom said. “Young man, you’ve been very rude.”
Five groaned.
“Won’t you come out?” Mom said. “Your brothers are worried about you.”
“Tell them to stop it,” Five said.
“I will not,” Mom said.
“Fine,” Five said. “Regardless, I want you to go away.”
“Okay,” Mom said. “I’ll leave you in peace, but can I ask you something before I go?”
“Yes,” Five said.
“Are you taking a nap?” Mom said.
Five chuckled, bitterly.
“Please,” Mom said. “Are you? Is that what you’ve been doing all day?”
With a lump in his throat, Five carefully said, “I… am not taking a n-nap.”
“I see,” Mom said. “Would you like me to not take a nap with you? It’s allowed, you know. We established that you aren’t like Oedipus.”
“Fine,” Five said. “But you can’t let Ben find out.”
“Alright,” Mom said. “You’ll have to unlock the door, Five.”
Five took a deep breath.
“Five?”
“I’m not presentable,” Five said.
“That’s okay, dear,” Mom said. “I’m the exception to the rule.”
Five nodded to himself. That was a good update. The rules needed amendments.
“Sweetie?” Mom said. “Are you going to unlock the door?”
Five took another deep breath.
Then, he opened the door. He allowed her to come inside.
She gave him the sleep hugs he’d been secretly wanting all along. It was so wonderful, he was almost rendered speechless.
“You don’t have to say a word darling,” Mom said, petting his hair. “I’m going to be quiet too. We’ll spend a few hours in absolute silence.”
“Can we break the silence a little bit?” Five said. “I was listening to Vanya’s music. It was at a low volume, but I can raise it.”
“That sounds generous,” Mom said. “But you don’t have to raise it if you don’t want to.”
“Thank god,” Five said. “Shit, I mean, fuck-”
“Stay calm,” Mom said. “I have a question.”
“No,” Five said. “I can’t handle questions today.”
“I have a guess, then,” Mom said. “Is a guess okay?”
“Yes,” Five said.
“You prefer to keep the volume low,” Mom said. “Because… you don’t want anyone who might walk past your room to hear the music?”
“Yes,” Five said, emphatically. “That’s exactly it. Because it would accidentally signal them.”
“Signal them,” Mom repeated.
“They learned my pattern,” Five said. “They know the music is a sign of distress.”
“I see,” Mom said. “And we can’t allow them to know you’re in distress.”
“Exactly,” Five said. “They would make it worse.”
“How would they make it worse?”
“No,” Five said. “No questions.”
“Okay,” Mom said. “I will restrain myself.”
“Thank you,” Five said. “Good job.”
Mom hummed.
“I love you,” Five said.
“I love you more,” Mom said. “Let’s take a good long nap now.”
In theory, Five understood what ‘happy tears’ meant. Ben had explained it, once.
But now he also knew in practice.