Chapter Text
Thanksgiving. The big one. The family holiday to end all family holidays.
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't bitter. Of course he was bitter. This was supposed to be their first year together, but then Five had to go and erase his memories like a goddamn lunatic.
Diego sighed.
"It's not my fault," Five grumbled. "Don't you look at me like that."
"I fucking know," Diego said. "You think I can't tell you two apart?"
Now Five sighed.
"Listen," Diego said. "My… my friend invited me to her house for Thanksgiving."
"What friend?" Five said. "The lady Detective?"
"Yeah," Diego said. "It's just her and her old man, so… they said the more the merrier. Or whatever."
"Oh yeah?" Five said. "You have fun with that."
"The fuck," Diego said. "You're coming too, doofus."
"The hell I am," Five said.
"C'mon," Diego said. "Can't you do me a solid? Just this once?"
"You don't have to babysit," Five said. "Mom's still here."
And everyone else was in California, celebrating Thanksgiving with the new Old Five.
Like the boot licking dumbasses they were.
"Mom is coming with us," Diego said.
"Fuck you," Five said. "She would hate that."
Diego frowned. "What? No, she wouldn't."
Five scowled. "Did you even ask her? Or you just decided you'd bring her along like a pretty accessory?"
Diego blinked. He hadn't asked her. Yet.
"Imbecile," Five said. "Mom can't eat. That's the entire point of Thanksgiving, isn't it? You really going to make her sit at a table with a couple of strangers and, what, expect her to politely smile at them while they stuff themselves?"
"Uh," Diego said. "Um, but… shit."
"Uh huh," Five said. "You go ahead and ask her. Bet she'll say no."
"Thanksgiving is- is important though," Diego mumbled. "Like… symbolically?"
"We already had a symbolic Thanksgiving," Five said. "Wasn't that the whole point of Allison's visit?"
"Yeah, but-"
"Nope," Five said. "Not another word."
Diego glared at him. "Listen you arrogant little-"
Five teleported.
"God fucking dammit," Diego said. "Fuck you too!"
It's fine, Diego thought. The little turd wouldn't leave the house… right?
To be sure, Diego decided to call him.
Five answered immediately. "Fuck off," he said. "I'm in the kitchen."
"Alright," Diego said. "Just checking."
Five didn't respond. Diego looked at his phone. The call had already ended.
To be double sure, Diego went to the kitchen. He heard Five and Mom's voices, though, and lingered out of sight.
"They should make up their minds," Five was saying. "Are you a person or aren't you?"
"Sweetie," Mom said. "You don't have to get offended on my behalf."
"Excuse you," Five said. "I do what I want."
Mom giggled. "You're such a stubborn young man!"
"I'm a practical young man," Five said. "I just think-"
Diego covered his ears and backed away as quietly as possible, grinning to himself.
Eavesdropping was a scummy thing to do, after all, so he wouldn't do it.
I'm better than that, Diego thought. I'm not like Klaus, for fuck's sake.
It was a normal stake out. Sort of. The main difference was: someone was paying him to do it.
Diego had toyed with the idea of being a Private Investigator plenty of times, but he'd always felt scummy about the money part.
Back before… everything… he'd had a decent enough paycheck working at Al's Gym. Plus, more freedom to investigate what he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted. A win, win, win.
But now he was living in his goddamn childhood bedroom on Luther's dime.
That was just plain old unacceptable.
So the P.I thing. The pay was dogshit, so far, but down the road it might get better. The plan was simple: Just build a solid reputation, establish a steady stream of clients, then move out of the fucking house.
Simple.
So tonight, Diego was stalking a stalker.
Same as any other stakeout, Diego thought. And this lowlife is a shit stain anyway.
Like most stakeouts, it was about patience. It was about keeping your guard up, for hours on end, in case your target made a move.
Usually, Diego kept his phone on silent.
Silence was important on a stake out.
However, this time, the piercing wail of a fucking cellphone broke the silence like a goddamn baby that had lost its binky.
Diego scrambled for his phone, cursing to himself, but then discovered: his phone was not ringing.
The sound cut off on its own and Diego tensed. Was it the stalker? Did that fucker get the drop on him?
"Well, this is embarrassing."
Diego spun around to glare into the shadows of the backseat.
"What the fuck," Diego snarled. "You scared the shit out of me!"
Five sat up and nonchalantly dusted himself off.
"Explain yourself," Diego said.
Five pursed his lips. "I have a perfectly reasonable explanation."
Diego crossed his arms together. "Uh huh."
The ringing went off again and Five made the universal just a moment gesture with his index finger, then put the phone to his ear.
"Apologies," Five said. "I pressed the wrong button, earlier. I didn't mean to ignore your call."
Diego huffed.
"No," Five said. "I'll be home soon, I just wanted to hang out with Vanya for a bit."
Five winced.
Diego could hear Ben's voice, high pitched and angry.
"Okay fine," Five said. "I'm actually with Diego."
Give him shit, Ben, Diego thought. Little weasel.
"I'm not lying this time," Five said. "Look, I'll put you on speaker."
Five held his phone out towards Diego.
"Say hello," Five demanded.
Diego smirked and mimed zipping his lips shut.
"I'm going to tell Luther," Ben said. "He's going to… uh, he'll do something?"
Luther will do fuck all, Diego thought, sighing. That idiot is too soft.
"Say something, Diego," Five growled.
Diego shook his head, still smirking.
"Since when do you lie to me?" Ben said.
"Since you became a tattle tale," Five said.
"That's not true!"
"You just said you were going to rat me out to Luther," Five said. "So which is it? Are you a vault or are you an alarm?"
Diego sighed and turned back around, glaring out the windshield.
What was he doing, getting distracted like this? He had a fucking job to do.
"I won't tell Luther," Ben said. "But can you please tell me where you are? It's going to get dark soon. It's… I'm worried."
"Don't be worried, Ben," Diego said, without looking at Five. "He's with me. We're at Patch's place."
"Oh," Ben said. "Why didn't you just say so?"
"Because Diego's an asshole," Five said. "He wanted to watch us squirm."
Diego rolled his eyes.
"Okay," Ben said. "I'm sorry for being clingy."
"You don't need to be sorry," Five said. "Just… I'll be back in time for… I'll…"
Diego glanced back.
Five was glowering at his phone.
"I get it," Ben said. "Thanks."
"See you later," Five said. "I'm hanging up, alright?"
"See you later," Ben said.
Five pressed the end call button and shoved his phone into his pocket.
"Okay, listen," Five said. "Let me be Number Two."
"The fuck?"
"I'll be your Number Two," Five insisted. "You're in charge, hmm? Doesn't that work?"
Diego squinted at him.
"C'mon," Five said. "It's free labor!"
"You're a minor," Diego said. "This sick fuck, in that house right there? He's a domestic abuser."
"So what?" Five said. "I've killed a man."
Diego winced.
"I've killed three men," Five said. "The first was at that museum-"
"I get it," Diego said. "But this isn't like the Umbrella Academy missions."
"Isn't it?" Five said. "You've got the same fucking domino mask."
Diego sighed.
"Think of it like an audition," Five said. "If my performance is... inadequate, you just, you can fire me."
Diego groaned.
"If I'm a shit Number Two," Five said. "Then you can bench me. I won't bother you again. Unless you ask for help, that is. In which case, I'm always happy to oblige."
"I know you're happy to fucking oblige," Diego snapped. "That's the whole… fuck."
"The whole what?" Five said. "Is this about Allison?"
Diego shook his head. "Listen up. On a stake out, silence is king."
"That so?"
"Yes," Diego said. "So shut the fuck up."
"Yessir," Five said. "As you command, Number One."
"Uh huh," Diego said. "And cut the sarcasm."
Five smirked. "Will do."
Patch was worried about Five.
"I just haven't seen him around," Patch said. "Is he doing okay? Behaving himself?"
"Not seeing him is proof isn't it?" Diego said. "He's not driving anymore."
Because Baby Five doesn't know how to drive, Diego thought. But she doesn't need to know there's two of them.
"It isn't necessarily proof," Patch said. "He could still be, like, grieving."
"Grieving?" Diego said. "Why would he be grieving?"
Patch frowned. "Diego, it hasn't been that long since your Dad died."
Diego scowled. "So?"
"I know you were estranged," Patch said. "But wasn't Five still living with him? It must have been… more fresh."
Diego tilted his head. "Uh."
"It didn't even occur to you?"
Diego shrugged.
"Of course not," Patch said. "Why am I even surprised?"
"But Five hated him," Diego said. "We all did. So, it was like: good riddance."
"Maybe," Patch said. "But grief is complicated."
"What's so complicated?" Diego said. "Five has the run of the house now. He does whatever he wants. He's fine."
"I hope so," Patch said.
Diego ran a hand through his hair. "Do you… did you want to see him?"
Patch shoved her hands in her pockets. "I just can't stop thinking about that day."
"What day?"
"The day I met him," Patch said. "At the motel, remember?"
Shit, Diego thought. The hell is she talking about?
"When Klaus was kidnapped by those thugs," Patch said. "I was trying to find him for you, but before I could go in Five showed up and moved me."
Fuck! Diego thought. The day she didn't die!
"Um," Diego said. "Right. Just… just moved you?"
"With his powers," Patch said. "The teleport jump. I knew about your family in theory, but it was still strange to see it in action. I guess that's why it left such an impression."
He tried to ask nonchalantly, "Where did he put you?"
"Hmm?"
"When he moved you," Diego said. "Also, you just… you just let him?"
"He jumped me to the police station," Patch said. "It was the most baffling thing. I just see this random little boy walk up to me and he grabs my elbow and then whoosh. We're at the station."
"Pretty rude," Diego said, swallowing around the lump in his throat.
"I guess so," Patch said. "But after the jump he says 'Look, I couldn't let you stay there.' and then he just disappeared."
Diego nodded solemnly.
"Later, I learned his name," Patch said. "He became infamous at the station. The prodigy thirteen year old that insisted on driving."
Diego cleared his throat. "You wanna see him?"
"Sure?" Patch said. "I don't… and do what?"
"I dunno," Diego said. "We can take him somewhere. Uh… miniature golf?"
Patch chuckled. "Nah."
"B-bowling?"
She studied him. "Are you okay?"
Diego sighed. "Nevermind. It's the wrong Five anyway."
"What do you mean?"
Diego rubbed the back of his neck and searched for the right words. A way to explain the fucked up chaos that was his family.
"Th-they… th-th-they..."
Diego groaned in frustration.
"It's okay," Patch said. "You can tell me later."
Diego nodded stoically.
"Bowling sounds fun," Patch said.
"Good," Diego said. "I'll ask him."
Bowling was hella awkward and Klaus was no help.
"This is the cutest double date," Klaus whispered. "that I have ever been on."
Up at the bowling lane, Five was lecturing Patch about momentum and the laws of motion or some shit. He claimed math was the key to all his perfect strikes.
"And aren't they so precious together?" Klaus went on. "She looks ready to adopt him."
"Shut up," Diego said.
"All you need is an accounting degree," Klaus said. "And you'd have the perfect little nuclear family. You'd-"
"Okay, first of all," Five said, strolling towards them with a lazy smirk. "Diego's too dumb for college."
"Fuck you too," Diego muttered.
"Secondly," Five said. "Ben already decided. Luther's the family dad. And we already have Mom as a mom, so-"
"Oh my," Klaus said. "Incestuous!"
Five scowled. "Don't make me smack you."
Behind Five, Patch managed to get a strike on her second turn.
"Yeah, baby!" Patch cheered. "You were right!"
She practicality skipped towards Five and they high-fived each other.
"Precious," Klaus said. "Wholesome. The most-"
"That's it," Five said. "I'm smacking you."
Diego beat him to it, lightly slapping Klaus upside the head.
Klaus pouted. "Nobody loves me."
"Aw," Patch said. "That can't be true?"
"It's true," Five said.
Diego glared at the ceiling. "I love you, alright? I love both of you."
Klaus gasped. "Did ya hear that Five?!"
Five rolled his eyes.
Klaus tried to pull Five into a hug, but Five teleported back towards the bowling lane.
"Let us love you!" Klaus called, chasing after him.
Five jumped again, even further away this time.
"Let me cuddle you!" Klaus said. "You know you want to!"
Patch chuckled. "You've got a great family."
Diego shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah."
"Is something bothering you?" Patch said.
"Nah," Diego said. "Uh, would it freak you out if I L bomb you too?"
Patch smirked. "Is that what we're calling it now?"
Diego cleared his throat. "I love you. I was a coward, before. But I loved you back then and I still love you now."
Patch laughed.
"The fuck," Diego grumbled. "Don't laugh at me."
She gave him a head pat. "I can probably work my way up to loving you again. Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yep," Patch said. "Take it or leave it."
Diego pursed his lips. "That sounds… fair."
Five suddenly appeared on Diego's lap.
"Shit," Five said. "Miscalculated."
Impulsively, Diego put his arms around the little turd and gave him a squeeze.
"Hey!" Five said. "Fuck off!"
His hands glowed blue, but nothing happened. He remained where he was and Diego smirked.
"Out of juice, then?" Diego said. "Guess you're shit out of luck."
"I can and will bite you," Five said.
Diego chuckled, and held his hands up and away.
Five stood up and primly dusted himself off.
"No fair!" Klaus called. "That was my win. I deserve that hug!"
Five flipped him off.
"The most precious," Patch said. "The wholesome-est."
Klaus grinned at her. "Somebody gets me."
"Yeah, yeah," Diego said. "Whose turn is it?"
"Numero dos," Klaus said, saluting him.
"Got it," Diego said. "Watch me kick ass."
He did not kick ass. By the end of the game Five won with Patch coming in second and Klaus third.
On the car ride home, Klaus wouldn't shut up about it.
"Don't pout," Klaus said. "You're too cute when you pout."
"Don't quote Mom at me, jackass."
"Such a sore loser," Five said. "How have you survived life's failures all these years?"
"I'm not a sore loser," Diego said. "You're a sore winner."
Five scoffed.
"Who wants ice cream?" Klaus said. "Something really choco-licious."
"Choco-licious," Five echoed. "Hmm."
"Fine," Diego said. "We can stop by the store."
"Fuck yeah!" Klaus said. "You're the best!"
"Yeah, yeah."
The worst part about living at home again was the utter chaos.
Sometimes you walk in the door and right into a goddamn screaming match.
"How could you say that?!" Ben was yelling. "You just had to ruin it!"
Klaus was cackling that sinister little weasel laugh. It was kind of nostalgic sounding, but also really annoying.
"They're gay icons!" Klaus said, giggling. "It's not my fault."
"I'm gonna kill you!" Ben shouted. "I'm going to literally murder you and no one will mourn your loss!"
Diego heard them long before he saw them running past the entryway and up the stairs.
"I'm un-killable!" Klaus said. "I'm a vampire!"
Five materialized at the bottom of the stairs and sighed, rubbing his temples.
"The hell are they fighting about?" Diego said.
"Klaus ruined pirates," Five said. "Ben was… attached. But now it's over."
"Ruined them?" Diego said. "By calling them gay icons?"
Five avoided eye contact. "I'm not a homophobe. It's not about who they do it with. Boy or girl, I don't care."
"Do what with?"
Five shifted on his feet. "Never you mind."
He disappeared in his usual spark of blue.
"Fuck you too," Diego muttered.
It was weird. For most of 2019, nothing seemed strange. They did all that time travel nonsense, saved the world, and then just continued with their lives as if nothing had happened.
"Maybe the paradox triggered it," Luther said. "Because there's two Fives. Maybe it caused a glitch?"
Five was using Luther's shoulders as his own personal ladder so he could write on the upper corner of his dry erase board wall.
He took advantage of the position to lightly smack Luther on the head.
"There. Isn't. A. Paradox," Five growled.
"Looks like there is, bro," Diego said. "You've just gotta accept it."
"It can't be a coincidence," Luther said. "There weren't any timeline changes until after you got here."
"So every glitch is my fault?" Five said. "If that were the case I'd be justified in jumping back to 2002."
"No," Diego said. "You're staying here."
Luther looked apologetic, but he tried to be stern. "We already agreed-"
"Shut up," Five said. "I'm not reneging."
Diego rolled his eyes at the fancy word, but kept his mouth shut about it.
"Um, so the next thing I noticed," Luther said. "is that Snowden is gone. He was a famous journalist."
They were helping Five keep tabs on all the timeline changes.
Five was a wiz at historical differences because he had most of the original timeline's history memorized, but he didn't know anything about the years between 2002 and 2019.
"What was he famous for?" Five said.
"He was a whistleblower," Diego said. "He let the public in on the government's shady shit."
"I see," Five said. "Assassinated?"
"Yeah," Luther said. "Before he could leak anything."
"Interesting," Five said. "To what end?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Diego said. "The Commission wants an orwellian government."
"Fancy word," Five said, smirking down at Diego.
Diego laughed.
"We should take this seriously," Luther said. "If the Commission is really trying to control the government, we need to do something."
"Hmm," Five said. "We should do more research on President Hillary Clinton."
"Yeah,” Diego said. “She’s hella suspicious.”
"What?" Luther said. "I thought she was nice."
"Dude," Diego said. "Benghazi?"
Luther frowned. "Is that… a place?"
Diego sighed. "You need to pay more attention to politics."
"What happened at Benghazi?" Five said.
"It's another timeline change," Diego said. "Probably the reason Hilary was able to win the election. The Commission fixed it for her, or something."
"Interesting," Five said. "Elaborate."
So Diego did.
The three of them spent a lot of time obsessing over the timeline, but then Vanya decided to rain on their parade.
"This is unhealthy," Vanya said.
"It is?" Luther said. "Why?"
"You can't carry the fate of the world on your shoulders," Vanya said. "You have to accept that some things are out of your hands."
"Fuck that," Five said.
"Yeah fuck that," Diego said. "We're heroes. We can't just let the Commission do whatever the hell they want."
"Guys," Vanya said. "How exactly are you going to stop them? Where even are they?"
Luther scratched his head. "Um…"
"You guys saw their headquarters," Diego said. "It's in 1955, remember?"
Luther blinked.
"There you go," Five said. "We'll dig up the briefcase and we'll-"
"No," Vanya said. "That's unacceptable."
"Fuck off," Diego said. "You're not Number One."
"Hold on," Luther said. "The numbers are gone."
"Look Vanya," Five said. "We're not just doing this for the world."
"I know you mean well," Vanya said. "But you can't-"
"We're doing it for the family," Five said. "The time police could use some policing. If they blow up the world it doesn't just affect civilians. It would hurt you guys."
Luther was tearing up, the big lug. Diego awkwardly patted him on the back.
"Five," Vanya said. "Don't you ever think it would be nice to have a normal life? To just… to get the chance to be a normal kid?"
"Dad ruined that for us," Diego said. "And anyway, what's so great about being 'normal' huh? You want to be extra ordinary?"
Vanya sighed.
"Diego makes a good point," Five said.
"Listen," Luther said. "We're going to be careful about it. We'll plan it out. We're not just blindly charging into battle this time."
"Fine," Vanya said. "But you can't take Five with you. He's too young."
"The hell I am!" Five said.
"She probably has a point," Luther said. "You can help with the planning, but I don't want you going anywhere, uh, or anywhen near the Commission."
"What?" Five said. "That's ridiculous."
"They're assassins," Diego said. "Professional assassins. Nothing like the petty thugs you're used to."
"Wow," Five said. "I see how it is."
“We love you,” Luther said. “So we just-”
“Shut up,” Five said. “Good luck without me, morons.”
And Five teleported out of the room. Of fucking course.
The mission was a bust. They spent six weeks in 1955, but the Commission was a ghost organization. They weren’t anywhere.
“At least it won’t be obvious,” Diego said. “I’m calibrating this thing so we show up in 2020 exactly a minute after we left.”
Luther frowned. “You want to lie about it?”
Diego shrugged.
“We need to be honest with each other,” Luther said. “We need to-”
“Okay, okay,” Diego said. “God damn. Be as honest as you want.”
“Thank you,” Luther said.
“Don’t thank me,” Diego said. “Jesus. You ready to go?”
“Yeah,” Luther said. “Let’s go home.”
Five was waiting for them, sitting behind Dad’s desk like a little prince.
“Well?” Five examined his nails. “You fix it?”
“I’m sorry,” Luther said. “We couldn’t find them.”
“Figures,” Five said.
“We did our best, alright?” Diego said. “You don’t have to be a shitheel about it.”
“Uh huh,” Five said. “Let me know when you’re ready to try again.”
“Again?” Luther said.
“Yeah,” Five said. “If you take me with you, we’ll find them for sure.”
Diego scoffed.
“You always doubt me,” Five said. “But we all know I’m the genius in this family. Just because I’m younger-”
“I understand,” Luther said. “We can try again. But when you’re older, okay?”
Five squinted at him. “When I turn fourteen?”
“Eighteen,” Luther said.
“Fifteen,” Five said.
“Seventeen,” Luther said.
“Jesus Christ,” Diego said.
“Sixteen,” Five said.
“No,” Luther said. “Seventeen. That’s the deal.”
Five sighed.
“Wow,” Diego said. “Well, great. Can’t wait for that.”
Five cleared his throat. “Well. There’s something to be said for making an effort. Good job, boys.”
Diego blinked.
“Let this experience be a lesson to you,” Five continued. “The Umbrella Academy’s strength is in numbers. The two of you alone… well, you can’t do shit.”
“Wow,” Diego said. “That’s... damn.”
“You make a good point,” Luther said. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“See that you do,” Five said, primly. “I’ll be going now.”
He teleported.
“Did he just roast us?” Diego said.
“Yup,” Luther said. “He did.”
“God damn,” Diego said. “I can’t even get mad about it.”
Luther chuckled. “Should we throw a pity party?”
“Fuck yes,” Diego said. “I want donuts.”
“Okay,” Luther said. “And I want pizza.”
“Great combination,” Diego said. “And, uh, we can watch the game?”
“Which game?”
“I dunno,” Diego said. “Any game. Let’s see what’s on.”
“Sounds good,” Luther said.
They nodded at each other. Stoically.
It’s fine, Diego thought. Some shit is just out of our fucking hands.