Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hyunjin finds a flat further south. The only people who he trusts with the address are the three youngest, and none of them bother telling Changbin.

It’s fine. He doesn’t have a right to know. Hyunjin is taking care of himself, finally removed from the toxin which is Seo Changbin, and honestly– good for him. The fact that Changbin’s heart isn’t beating and that he can’t stop crying is his own business.

The fact that he’s been locked up in the studio for days and that he can’t seem to stop writing sad love songs is an unimportant detail, a blemish on the beautiful canvas that is Hyunjin’s life.

Everything is fine, really– he didn’t deserve Hyunjin anyway. Isn’t this what he wanted when it all started?

There’s a small knock on the door and Changbin definitely does not wipe his tears, definitely does not hide away the lyrics he’s writing just in case Chan happened to see the title.

(It’s titled ‘ you gave me love, but why’ but that’s completely from a fictional stand point. Changbin isn’t hurting.)

“Hey, big guy.” He jokes once he sits down, gentle eyes on Changbin as he squeezes his shoulder. Changbin doesn’t deserve him as a friend. “How are you?”

He swallows the lump in his throat. “Splendid. Just, you know… on hiatus because one of my members couldn’t take me anymore. The usual. It’s fine.”

Chan sighs. “You’re not fine, Bin.”

“What, me? I’ve literally never felt better than when I come home to an empty fucking flat every night!” He bites back and he knows Chan doesn’t deserve it, but it’s just– Hyunjin left, and it’s because of him, Seungmin and Felix and the others won’t even look at him and– okay, maybe he’s not so goddamn fine after all.

Chan raises one eyebrow, unimpressed.

“There’s tears on your cheeks, Changbin.” His tone is soft when he speaks, and it’s so undeserved Changbin can’t help but tear up again, blinking them back but they fall anyway when Chan reaches out and starts wiping them for him. 

“You’re not okay.” He only whispers, pulling Changbin into his chest and letting him cry– as embarrassing as it is. He fucking hates himself.

“I hate everything.” He mumbles, muffling the words against his shoulder. “The dorm is so fucking cold without him there– his paintings are gone, I eat alone because no one else even wants to come over–” He cuts off when a sob fights its way out and buries his face deeper into Chan’s collarbone, wanting to just disappear.

“I’ll come eat with you from now on.” Chan murmurs back, taking a hand through his hair. “It’ll all be all right.”

“No it won’t! My members hate me and– and Hyunjin is gone. ”

“They don’t hate you.” Chan pulls him away until he can look at him and his eyes are so fucking gentle despite everything he’s done to him, to their group. “Minho’s been checking in with you every night and Jisung comes over whenever he can–”

“I haven’t talked to Seungmin in months, Jeongin won’t fucking look at me and Yongbok glares! ” He cuts the older off with a huff, falling back in his seat.

Chan only sighs wistfully and doesn’t let go of his hand, leaning back as well and pursing his mouth. “They’re just frustrated. Everything is tense, we don’t know much about our indefinite hiatus and Hyunjin isn’t feeling well.”

Another stake to the heart. What the hell, why not. He lets out a humorless laugh, letting the tears fall. “I truly fucking suck, don’t I? It should’ve been me who left–”

“Don’t fucking say that.” Chan snaps, tugging on his hand so forcefully Changbin shuts up out of shock. “I already lost one of my goddamn kids– don’t even start about leaving, Bin.”

It’s the first time Changbin’s seen him this tense and agitated after everything, and he wants to beat himself up even more now. Of course Chan was hurting as well and here he was, wallowing in self pity as if he had any right.

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes quietly, averting his eyes to the floor. He sucks so fucking much.

“It’s alright… everything is just messing with me lately.” Chan mumbles, taking a hand through his hair tiredly. “Besides– you don’t suck.”

“Hyunjin left because of me and now everything is fucked– please, enlighten me on where my good qualities come into play?” He replies bitterly, it’s sarcastic and undeserved but he’s just tired of literally everything.

Chan gazes at him with sad eyes. Changbin doesn’t look at him.

“What happened the day he left?” He asks, immediately making a lump grow in his throat. He’s avoided the topic for days, but this is the least of what he could do– he at least owes Chan an explanation on why everything fell apart.

“I saw him at the dorm.” Changbin mumbles, swallowing back the bile. “He’d returned for some paintbrushes he forgot– ones I had gifted him.” Changbin is a terrible person. “He said he’d emptied out his room and I was confused and mad– I grabbed his bag to prevent him from leaving. It’s childish but I needed him to fucking stay.”

His fists clench at the memory, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Did he tell you why he left?” Chan murmurs, tentative like he doesn’t really want to know the answer.

"He said– he said it's because I don't care about him." Changbin says, all in one breath, memories rushing back. "He said I'm never there and that he's lost me and– and it's just fucking bullshit! I care so much about him and I literally live there–"

"Can you blame him, though?" Chan cuts him off hesitantly, and it falls like an anchor in Changbins heart, sudden and heavy. 

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" 

"The last couple months…" Chan bites his lip, avoiding eye contact. "You haven't exactly been present. No one knows why, but you suddenly stopped talking to Hyunjin and it's all been downhill from there."

He knows it's true. It still lands like a knife. It still leaves him burning as he sinks.

"I didn't mean to hurt him like this." He whispers painfully. "I never meant for him to leave or feel this kind of pain–"

"Then why'd you do it?" Chan asks, eyes sympathetic. Always so fucking sympathetic, even though Changbin doesn’t deserve any of it. "Why did you stop talking to him?"

Changbin blinks the tears back and wraps his arms around himself, swallowing the big lump in his throat.

"Because he liked me."

Chan frowns. "I'm not following."

"Hyunjin liked me, hyung– and that couldn't happen. We couldn't be together."

It takes Chan several blinks before he speaks again, confused voice only making Changbin sink further. "You… stopped talking to Hyunjin, your best friend, because he was into you?"

"It's not that shallow!" He weakly protests, but even he can't deny the truth of that statement. "It's just– Hyunjin is Hyunjin. He's perfect and romantic and loves big gestures, and I'm me. I'm skeptical and have never even dated anyone before and I've never fucking understood love– I'm not the one for him. Even if he loved me back he’d realize soon enough that I'm not any good."

Chan is staring at him, but it's not judgement he sees on his face– it's something else, akin to curiosity but with a frown. He cocks his head.

"Are you in love with Hyunjin?"

That's one way to put it. He sputters for a second, getting up straighter. "He's a romantic, Chan– he can do so much better than me–"

"Not what I asked." Chan shakes his head. "Are you in love with him or not?"

The way Changbin averts his gaze seems to be answer enough for Chan.

"He can do better." Changbin whispers again, fingers wringing over his lap. "Especially now that I've fucked up– he deserves a million times more than what I could've ever given him."

Chan is silent for a long time, enough to make Changbin squirm in his seat and finally give in and look up to meet his eyes– only to find understanding.

It makes him suck in a breath. Chan doesn't just look sad for him, he also understands. He reaches a hand over to lace their fingers and stop Changbin's fiddling, stroking his thumb over in comfort.

"Did I ever actually tell you the reason Felix and I broke up for a bit?" 

It's unexpected, but he's quiet when he says it like it's a vulnerable fact– so he listens. He shakes his head no, before Chan takes a big breath.

"It's no secret that I struggle with my self image." He starts, laughing self deprecatingly. "And you know Felix– he's fucking amazing. Beautiful from head to toe, inside and out… When we first started dating, I didn't believe I could have something that special. I didn't think I deserved it."

"Of course you deserve Felix." He murmurs sadly, squeezing his fingers.

Chan looks up at him in appreciation, but his smile is sad when he continues. “I struggled with the intimacy the most– I swore up and down that Felix wouldn’t want someone like me. I kept denying his touches because I thought I wasn’t good enough for it.”

Chan looks desolate and far away as if he’s experiencing it all over again, absentmindedly holding onto Changbin’s hand and squeezing it from time to time.

“It got to a point where we wouldn’t touch anymore in any way. I thought it was because Felix was disgusted with me, but he–” He chokes on his words for a second, clearing his throat and blinking rapidly. When he continues, Changbin hears the pain. “–He thought it was because I didn’t want him that way.”

Changbin knows. He was the first person Felix had opened up to, holding him while he cried thinking Chan was disgusted by him. 

Chan faces him head on, and Changbin feels his heart break a little when he sees the tears. “I made him think he wasn’t beautiful, Bin.” He whispers. “It’s something I’ll never forgive myself for. I was so up in my own head that I didn’t even consider how it would make him feel until it was too late. I dragged him down the spiral with me without even telling him why.”

It’s so achingly familiar and Changbin is struggling to breathe again as he squeezes Chan’s hand like a vice– but Chan doesn’t react, only gazes at him with a look–

“Do you understand, now?” He asks, as if Changbin isn’t choking with it. “These worries you have– They’re the very thing destroying you both. Hyunjin doesn’t deserve better– He doesn’t want grand or romantic. He wants to be loved."

Changbin keeps shaking his head, vision blurry in front of him. "Not by me. I've lost my chance– I don't deserve him."

Chan looks pained. "Do you genuinely believe he doesn't want you anymore?"

"Do you see what I've done? He's left the group, hyung." It hurts to squeeze out, charring his throat on the way.

Chan purses his mouth again and looks him up and down, noting his wet cheeks and the way Changbin's fingers won't stop drumming anxiously, before he finally sighs.

“I originally didn’t want to show this to you, but I think you’ve left me with no choice.” 

Before he can even respond, Chan has grabbed a flash drive and plugged it in the computer, only one single file on it. Changbin frowns at the title.

“Hyunjin gave this to me– It’s a song he wrote about you. Maybe you’ll change your mind after this.”

About him? 

Chan doesn’t give him any time to process before he clicks play, and Changbin immediately feels the air leave his lungs once he hears the whistle– the same one he’d heard from Hyunjin weeks ago, when–

In the faded photo, I come across a smile. Fuck. When Hyunjin slid their polaroid under his door. Hyunjin came up with this, wrote this– about him, in the midst of everything.

Every lyric feels like a jab to his scarred heart the way it drags up memories from the past months– Hyunjin is laying himself bare, emotions on display and unraveling Changbin’s while he does so and it’s the first time he’s heard Hyunjin’s thoughts like this, the first time he’s truly seen the extent of what he’s done–

“When did he record this?” He whispers, frozen in his seat and not able to tear his eyes from the screen.

“He came to me after the Japan concert– he was crying, but after seeing the lyrics I didn’t need to ask why.”

Changbin hangs his head in his hands when he starts shaking, trying to contain the sobs. Hyunjin sounds so beautiful but the tears are evident in his voice as he sings– he’s fucked up so, so bad. 

I wake up in another silence. He sings. Hyunjin said he wanted to leave because every day it’s quiet in their house, because Changbin isn’t there anymore. Changbin wasn’t there, and Hyunjin wrote this about him, felt this way because of him– The song is barely three minutes, and yet it’s the most devastating thing he’s ever heard in his life.

“Chan–”

“Shh… the chorus is the most important.” He whispers. Changbin wants to talk anyway, until–

Until the chorus actually hits.

So I long for you

And I'll long for you

So I could be loving you

Fuck, fuck– It’s getting harder to breathe as the room starts spinning and Changbin can feel his resolve crumbling with every word, words that Hyunjin thought of, that he wrote and sang about Changbin– Hyunjin longs for him. Hyunjin loves him. Hyunjin actually fucking loves him.

Chan is looking at him sadly when the song fades out. “Do you get it? He loves you but you made him think you didn’t.”

Changbin can’t stop trembling. “Of course I do– how could I not? How could I not love him? ” He chokes out, and the words burn on their way because he’s never dared to admit it like this, but he can’t deny it, not after Hyunjin’s song.

Chan reaches out and cradles his head gently, eyes shining. “Then tell him. Don’t let this break the two of you forever, Changbin.”

“How did you do it?” He asks desperately, “With Felix? How did you fix it?”

Chan swallows. “It’s not about the fixing… It's about loving each other enough to try again.”

“What if I’m not able to love him enough ?” He murmurs, wiping his eyes even though it’s futile. “What if it’s not enough– not as much as he puts in, and he ends up leaving me?”

Chan smiles, eyes sad. “I think you already do.” 

Everything is fucking overwhelming. His shoulders shake while he buries his head in his hands and sobs openly, feeling like his heart has been ripped completely clean and sewed back in, just for it to fall apart again.

Chan gets up and drags Changbin with him, wrapping arms around him as he leads them out of the studio. “We’ll go back to mine, yeah? It’ll be alright.”

“How?” He asks hoarsely. “We don’t even know where he is– He’d never forgive me.”

“You won’t know until you try.” Chan insists, already walking them towards the dorms. 

“But I’m not–”

“If you say you’re not good enough one more time after my story and Hyunjin’s song, I’m writing you out of the next album.” Chan cuts him off, completely serious as he unlocks the door to their dorm.

Changbin immediately shuts up, looking down in slight embarrassment.

(Maybe leave the self deprecating comments for later, then.)

Chan opens the door to the bedroom, and Changbin halts in the doorway– Felix is sitting on the bed. Felix is crying. Felix is holding a crumpled piece of paper in his balled fists.

Chan’s eyebrows also shoot up at the sight and he’s already making worried moves towards him when Felix notices him, getting up with hurried moves and slamming a paper against Chan's chest.

"He's been permitted to leave!" He shouts, frantic. "Hyunjin's been granted permission– he's actually leaving the fucking group–"

The words steal all the air from his lungs until Changbin is left suffocating, watching Chan wrap his arms around his boyfriend. "Baby, we'll fix this– you know I won't just let him leave." 

"We can't!" He sobs again, burying himself in Chan's shoulder when he finally notices Changbin in the doorway, face immediately twisting into a scowl.

“ You, ” He hisses, and despite Chan holding him back he manages to escape his grip and stalk over. “What the fuck are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here! ” He shouts, jamming a finger into his chest and not even letting Changbin explain himself. “Hyunjin fucking left because of you– ”

God, it hurts again. His heart is being wrenched open continuously but what hurts more is that the words are true.

“Lix, please don’t talk like that.” Chan begs softly. Bless his kind heart. Changbin never deserved it.

“Why not?” He responds, whirling around in anger, “He’s been doing this for months – why does he fucking come back after it’s taken a toll on Hyunjin? Why was he not here earlier?!” He’s shouting, his fists are clenched in anger and Felix is properly pissed and Changbin doesn’t think he could’ve ever screwed up worse.

“I’m sorry,” He finally brings out, pushing through despite Felix’s glaring eyes. “I know I fucked everything up, but–”

“ No, that doesn’t even cover it– do you know how much you’ve hurt him? Do you know how guilty you made him feel?” He seethes, flames directly shooting from his eyes and scorching Changbin all over. “He didn’t just get rejected, he lost you as a friend– you dropped him. You fucking dropped him without ever explaining why and now he thinks it’s his fault! ”

Fuck, why is Changbin such a failure? “It’s not,” He whispers, frantically shaking his head. “Nothing is his fault– I didn’t mean for him to get hurt.”

“Please, do fucking enlighten me why you did what you did then.” Felix’s tone is unforgiving and sarcastic and Changbin’s heart hurts. He watches how he crosses his arms over his chest and it’s another searing hot stake, how one of his closest friends is now standing protectively away from him. “Oh please, I’m fucking dying to hear why Hyunjin’s love for you was all futile.”

“I’m not– I’m me, ” A sob escapes his lips along the jumbled words as his knees buckle, leaning against the wall for support. “I’m not made for love.” He can’t even talk because of it all, his mind is whirring with everything and it’s all messed up and he just really wants to close his eyes and never open them again.

Felix looks like he was expecting anything but this– he frowns in confusion, throwing his arms in the air as he says, “What the fuck are you talking about?! Everyone is made for love!”

“Not me,” He gasps out again, refusing. “I couldn’t love Hyunjin properly– He’s so much better, he deserves so much more.” 

“Binnie, please–” Chan starts as he moves towards him, but Felix isn’t letting him finish when he gets up in Changbin’s face to really drive his point home.

“There is no loving properly– you just have to fucking love him!” He shouts, sounding genuinely offended that Changbin ever dared saying otherwise.

He closes his eyes. “It’s not that easy.” He whispers, fists clenching. 

Felix scoffs. “You’re in love with Hyunjin, hyung. That’s all there fucking is to it. You just need to get your head out of your ass–”

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Chan finally snaps, and it’s harsh enough for Changbin’s eyes to snap open and for Felix to snap his mouth shut. “He’s just scared. He’s never been in love before and worried about not being good enough. You’re being too harsh.”

It’s meant to be de-escalating but it has the opposite effect when Felix just gets more pissed off. “No, actually I’m being perfectly fucking fine! Everyone has insecurities, but it doesn’t mean Hyunjin has to fucking pay for them!”

“I never said it did!” Changbin protests, frustrated as well now. “Do you think I wanted him to leave?! I begged him to stay and I beat myself up every single time I made him sad–”

“And where did that lead you?!” He yells, and it’s all too much. “All the pulling away and ignoring him– What were they fucking for?!”

“I was terrified, ” He chokes out, trying to make Felix understand through all the tears. “I kept thinking about how he’d realize I can’t give him what he wants and he’d leave me, he’d be hurt, and everything would fall apart, I’d drag the entire group down–”

“ Look around you! ” Felix is screaming now, angry tears streaming down his face. He’s never screamed like that. “Just take a fucking look– Everything you said has already happened. You didn’t give Hyunjin the one thing he fucking begged for– Your fucking love– and he left with a broken heart, our group is on hiatus and everyone is stressed through the roof, and everything. Fell. Apart. ” His voice fades out into a bitter whisper, seeping into Changbin like poison.

It infiltrates his deepest crevices and squeezes around his heart painfully like tendrons, Chan looks speechless from the other end of the room, but Felix’s words feel like a battering ram, and all Changbin can think of is Chan’s story– I dragged him down the spiral with me without even telling him why. He’s fucked everything up but not just in the way he thought– He’d dragged everyone down in the midst of everything. 

In the midst of his worries, he hadn’t realized his biggest fears had already happened right in front of him.

“You’re allowed to be as scared as you fucking want– that wasn’t the issue.” Felix hits him on the shoulder again. “But you had no right to hurt him the way you did. He never deserved being shoved aside and ignored when all Hyunjin ever wanted was you.”

Changbin can’t breathe anymore. All Hyunjin ever wanted was you.

He can’t stop crying. The door slams shut behind Felix and he leaves– just like Hyunjin did. And just like then, Changbin collapses to the floor. All Hyunjin ever wanted was you. Hyunjin said his heart only beat for Changbin.

At least Chan is there to hold him this time when everything starts spinning around him.

All Hyunjin ever wanted was you.

So I long for you. 

My heart beats for him only.

Changbin doesn’t think he’ll ever feel okay again.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

He’s still miserable by the time his eyes blink open, but then again he doesn’t deserve anything else.

The room is dimly lit. His eyes are burning as bad as his chest. He doesn’t open them even when he notices the hands in his hair– it’s probably Chan. Not like he’s earned the comfort.

“You shouldn’t comfort me, hyung.” He whispers, wrapping his arms tighter around himself.

A snort which is very un-Chan-like makes him snap his eyes open only to be faced with Jisung sitting by the bed, warm smile on his face.

“Good thing I’m younger, then.” He says, easy as ever. 

Changbin swallows back the lump upon seeing his best friend, tries not to cry again when Jisung only continues comforting him and doesn’t say anything else, still with a kind expression. He never deserved friends this good.

“Where’s Chan?”

“In the other room… he’s talking to Felix.”

Of course he is. Another wave of guilt washes over him thinking of how upset Felix had been as well– hell, he’d upsetted all of them.

“I’m sorry for everything.” He murmurs, resolve crumbling a little when he has to reach up and wipe under his eyes, again.

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.” 

“Yeah I do, ” He insists when Jisung lays down next to him on the bed. “The group suffered because of me as well.”

His friend purses his mouth while leaning on his elbow, sharp eyes assessing Changbin. “You had it worse than us– it’s been terrible watching you hurt yourself like that.”

And– okay. Of course Changbin is also hurting, but Hyunjin is off much worse and he deserves it anyway so really, does it matter that much that his heart is barely beating? 

“Still… I’ve screwed everything.”

Jisung rolls his eyes in true Jisung fashion, but it’s not mean. “So I’ve heard– you tend to say it a lot these days.”

“Because it’s true– I can’t do anything right. Everything is fucked up. I’m fucked up.”

Jisung sighs with sad eyes. “That’s just what love does to you. I’m not denying that things went awry, but… everything is fixable.”

“It’s not.” He murmurs, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “How would I even start? I don’t know where Hyunjin is, everyone is mad at me–”

“Just start with Hyunjin hyung.” Jisung soothes. “Don’t be afraid, say everything that’s on your mind. Felix is just really upset, but he’ll understand. We always do.”

Changbin sniffles. “I still don’t know where he is.”

He wants to see Hyunjin, even if he shouldn’t. Even if it’s selfish, he’d do anything to get even a glimpse right now.

His throat feels sore from crying. Jisung is sitting cross legged in front of him and he’s fiddling with his hands incessantly, like he’s conflicted.

“Jisung?”

He glances up at him with a frown. What the fuck is he thinking about?

He looks even more troubled now, so Changbin just sighs and lifts himself to sit against the headboard. “It’s fine. It’d be useless anyway, he’d never–”

“I do.”

He blanks, Jisung staring at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“I do… I know where he is.” He admits quietly, but it lands like an anvil in his chest.

“You– What? ”

“I know where Hyunjin’s flat is!” Jisung whines. “Jeongin let something slip once about a nice seaview and there’s only one place in the south that has that– So I went and visited. I know where you can find him.”

Holy shit. It feels like too much, but he’s more shocked than scared before the slight, futile flame of hope starts burning in his gut again after so long. He just can’t believe it but then again Jisung is here telling him he knows where Hyunjin is– giving him one more chance to save his heart alongside everything else.

“Jisung– he wouldn’t want me to know.” Changbin hesitates, still a pit of fear holding him back. “It’d be an invasion of his privacy.”

“He’ll say that, but he wants you to come, trust me.” He promises, already getting up and grabbing a pen and paper. “It’s been long enough of this– It’s time you both talk things out.”

His mind is still whirring, when Jisung writes the address down and presses it into his hand. “Just please be honest… don’t hold yourself back from what you truly want.”

Changbin holds the paper as if it could disappear any second, eyes wide as he looks at it. Hyunjin is right there. His address is on this paper, and Changbin can go visit– he can make things right. He can see Hyunjin.

He takes in a shaky breath, looking up at Jisung hesitantly. “Do you think he’d forgive me, after everything?”

He smiles at him, soft and sad. “I think he loves you too much to not to.”

Changbin swallows down a lump, hands shaking. “What if I’m still not good enough for him? What if I ruin it all again?” The air feels tentative like any word spoken too loud could break it, but Jisung is gentle when he puts a hand on his knee in comfort.

“Don’t think about that.” He assures. “Every relationship comes with risks, with hardships and good times– it’s just a matter of whether you find it worthy enough to try despite them.”

“He’s worth it.” Changbin whispers, heart physically hurting. “He’s worth everything .”

Jisung looks proud as he grins, pushing his shoulder teasingly. “Then you should go tell him! You have the address now– what are you waiting for?”

Fuck, he’s right, what is he waiting for? His heart is lurching in his throat and he’s still scared shitless but he has Hyunjin’s address and he fucked up and he thinks it’s finally time to talk; even if he’s not good enough, he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try.

He’s never scrambled up so fast to put on his clothes, half hopping to put on proper pants before he remembers to wrap Jisung in a tight hug in gratitude. “Thank you, seriously– I love you so much, you know that? You’re my best friend and I would’ve never dared to do this without you.”

Jisung hums, patting him on the head. “Love you too, Binnie–”

“And say thank you to Minho hyung as well, truly, I would be nowhere without you two–”

“I will! ” He laughs, and is quick to speak again before Changbin can. “I’ll thank Chan too, and Felix, and I’ll make sure everything is okay here– now just go! ”

He’s never been out the door that fast.

The paper is clutched tightly in his hand, and he doesn’t even stop for a second when he runs into Felix in the hallway, just continues until his car has started and his navigation is sending him south, sending him to Hyunjin.

His blood is rushing the second he steps on the gas, mind whirring with scenarios of how everything could go– would Hyunjin even let him in? Would he be mad? His car moves up the highway faster than usual with his heart in his throat thinking about him.

He’s come up with countless scenarios on what to say to Hyunjin and used this entire car ride to think of ways to apologize and reflect on his behavior, but still none of it helps when he’s actually in front of the blue door– the pristine light blue door with the nice houseplants and paintings and so incredibly Hyunjin his chest starts aching again even before he’s knocked.

He has to take deep breaths to steel himself, trying to ignore the shudders up his spine and the urge to run away– he’s been running away for far too long. He needs to stop in his tracks, turn back around. He needs to knock on that damn door.

He doesn’t feel any less nauseous when he’s finally forced his fist up and tapped against the wood, waiting with a wildly beating heart afterwards. Changbin stops himself from running back to his car because he’s sorry and he’s in love and he can do this, he can do this–

The door opens. Changbin’s heart falls to his ass and his throat closes. He can’t do this. Hyunjin is in front of him, mouth open in shock.

He’s so fucking beautiful even despite the dark circles under his eyes, and Changbin knows he doesn’t look much better– he feels like a street rat, all disheveled and dried tears and trembling and having ran up all six flights of stairs. Hyunjin looks tired like he hasn’t slept in days and Changbin feels horrible.

“Hi, Jinnie…” It’s the first thing he’s said to him in weeks, and he can’t even help it when the nickname slips out.

He still doesn’t know how to react at Changbin being in front of him– his mouth is still open in shock, there’s a small crease in his gorgeous eyebrows and despite the stiffened shoulders, his eyes look as if there are a thousand emotions raging through them. He swallows, finally pressing his mouth into a thin line. “Changbin.”

He’s nervous and anxious and bad at this so he sucks in a breath and says, “That’s me, yeah.” He really should’ve planned this better. 

Hyunjin frowns deeper, looking up and down his messed up state, and finally sighs. “Why are you here?”

Changbin swallows down another lump. “To apologize.”

Surprisingly Hyunjin laughs, but it’s edging on harsh and makes him stiffen up. “For what? Pushing me aside? Forgetting about me? Finally showing your fucking face after everything’s already gone to hell?”

Every word feels like a thousand paper cuts bluntly slashing through him. “Hyunjin–”

“Who even gave you my address?”

He bites his tongue slightly. “Jisung did.”

Hyunjin huffs, dragging a hand down his face. “I knew I shouldn’t have answered the damn door for him.” He mumbles, disdain dripping from his already exhausted voice and only adding to his guilt. He really messed everything up.

The hurt must show in his eyes a little because when they make eye contact again, Hyunjin softens a bit and shudders a sigh. He looks so tired from everything, shoulders sad and slumped. He’s so beautiful. Changbin doesn’t deserve him.

“Look, Hyunjin– just…” The words don’t come to him as easily when Hyunjin isn’t defensive anymore, getting stuck in his throat. “Just give me a chance to explain myself.” He finally whispers, getting more choked the more sad and down Hyunjin looks. He's such a goddamn bad person. “Please, I’m so sorry for everything.”

Hyunjin doesn’t respond to his apology, eyes blinking in tired indifference. It’s somehow worse than him getting mad or scoffing. 

Still, his grip on the door is bruising. Still, his eyes rage with dilemmas and hurt and longing and confusion, and still he turns around wordlessly and leaves it open for Changbin to follow, giving him a chance.

He steps in awkwardly, hovering by the entrance as his eyes scan the new apartment. The decoration is minimal but full of style and passion just like back at their dorm. The couch is a soft shade of white with golden lining and countless paintings of his fill the walls, all tragic in their own ways and sad like Changbin’s songs are right now.

A painting easel sits in the middle where Hyunjin was painting on a canvas. He sits back without saying anything, grabbing his brush and resuming as if Changbin isn’t about to die right behind him.

(But Changbin knows him too well. He sees the tense lines in his divine body and the way his soft hands tremble on the canvas. It doesn’t make his heart shake any less.)

He’s painting his speciality– Pink flowers fill the canvas all over, but the black background makes them look empty of warmth, like they’re discarded somewhere in a dark corner. It takes Changbin a bit to realize which flowers he’s painting but when it finally hits, his heart only sinks further. They’re Dicentra, he’s told him about them once. heartbreak flowers.

“What are you here for, Changbin?” Hyunjin shakes him out of his head, shoulders only sinking further.

Fuck, he really doesn’t know how to do this. Hyunjin is so sad and tired and he’s fucked up and he doesn’t know how to actually talk, so instead his brain just spits the one thing he’s been thinking about for weeks.

“You said you loved me.”

It’s foolish. It’s stupid, especially when Hyunjin’s back goes rigid, but he doesn’t know what else to say.

“I did.”

“Why?” He chokes out. “After everything I’ve done, after all that I am– Why? ”

Hyunjin shakes his head, defeated. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

It takes a beat before he responds. When he speaks, it’s wobbly. “Because you don’t love me back.”

It’s getting hard to breathe again. His chest speeds up, but he still pushes the next words out because if he doesn’t do it now, he doesn’t think he’ll ever do it. “What if I do?” He whispers. “What if I’m in love with you as well?”

It takes everything in him not to collapse when Hyunjin whips around, when his eyes fill with hurt and tears and hope and widen as he says, “Don’t fucking joke, Changbin. You’re cruel. Don’t fucking say that.”

His throat closes. “I’m not joking, Hyunjin.”

“You can’t just– you can’t just do this!” He finally breaks, getting up from the chair angrily. “It’s been months, we haven’t talked because you fucking forgot I existed and now suddenly you come with this?!”

Changbin shakes his head, desperation getting the best of him. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Jinnie– I’m sorry for everything. I was an idiot and didn’t understand my own feelings or yours or what was going on, but I’m here now–”

“Am I just fucking entertainment to you?” Hyunjin brokenly whispers, tears finally spilling down. “Just a toy you can return to whenever you’ve decided you’re interested in it again?”

The words hurt so fucking bad it makes him physically stumble, choking as he shakes his head. “Of course not– how could you think that?”

Hyunjin sobs. “How could I not? ” 

It’s another knife, another arrow. Another slash to his fragile heart– and Changbin thinks he finally understands why it’s called falling in love. It’s called falling because he’s at Hyunjin’s mercy, because he’d do anything only if it meant Hyunjin would stay and pick him back up.

“I love you, Hyunjin. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize– I was scared I was gonna fuck everything up and I didn’t realize how much I’d hurt you until it was too late– I didn’t realize that I was also losing you by pulling away and it was just–” He’s rambling and choking on emotions and on his heart, all the while Hyunjin’s shoulders shake. He jerkily shakes his head, palms pressed against his eyes.

 “What the fuck are you even talking about? I lost you completely– why did I lose you, Changbin? What did I do? ” He sounds so desperate and it rips a hole clean through his bleeding heart. 

“You didn’t do anything, Jinnie.” He murmurs painfully. “You’re perfect. You’re so lovely and amazing. I’m rotten– it’s me– ”

He’s close enough that he puts a hand on Hyunjin’s arm but it’s ripped away when Hyunjin laughs harshly again and wipes his tears, eyebrows furrowed in frustration. “So what, you’re pulling the fucking It’s not you, it’s me?! That’s all you fucking have to say?”

He’s so mad and Changbin is so sorry and so desperate he’s shaking his head, sobbing through his words. “What if I’m not enough for you? What if you ended up leaving me because I’m me and I’ve never been in love and you’re a goddamn romantic, a deity – you’re meant to be worshipped by your lover, Jinnie, what if I couldn’t give you what you deserved? What if I couldn’t be what you wanted? ”

He’s so in love and so desperate and nothing matters anymore except Hyunjin when he collapses to his knees right in front of him, when he starts begging and doesn’t dare to speak above a whisper, when all Hyunjin can do is watch in shock. “I know I probably never will be– But never should I have ever taken it out on you. Never should I have used my own faults as an excuse to pull away and ignore you– I shouldn’t have hurt you the way I did. I’m so sorry for everything.”

Hyunjin’s eyes are so beautiful. They’re filled with tears and he’s frowning but he still looks like a God, towering above him— Changbin should’ve worshipped the ground he walked on when he had the chance. 

“I ran away because I didn’t understand my own feelings, not knowing I was running from you as well.” He whispers, eyes clenched shut. “I kept insisting it wouldn’t work out and it would end up in flames only to realize that was all happening in front of me already.”

Hyunjin finally breaks his shocked silence with a sob, and it’s so devastating to hear Changbin’s heart bleeds all over when he crawls until he can press his face against his stomach, arms wrapped around his middle with burning touches of his lips to Hyunjin’s stomach. “My love. My love. I’m so sorry, Hyunjin.” He chokes out again, desperation clawing at his throat. “You are everything. I’m so sorry for how I acted– I’m so sorry for making you think you’re not enough– Can you find it in yourself to forgive me, my darling?”

Hyunjin is choking on his sobs by now, he’s hurting so much he’s nearly doubling over with the pain and Changbin wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole for what he did. Hyunjin’s pain resonates in his entire body like a scorching heat that burns him from the inside, until the heart that’s always belonged to Hyunjin is left in ash and dust. 

“You fool, ” Hyunjin finally murmurs, hiccupping through it. “You absolute fucking idiot– don’t you know? Don’t you realize?”

“Realize what?”

He grabs him by the arms and tilts his chin until all they can see is each other. “All I’ve ever wanted is you– All I’ve ever longed for is you, exactly as you are. I fell in love with the Seo Changbin who’s skeptical about love but loves his members, the Changbin who held me when I needed it, who showed me how loved I am when the whole world had me convinced I wasn’t.”

Changbin’s throat hurts from all the crying and he presses his forehead to Hyunjin’s stomach, chest aching with guilt when Hyunjin winds a hand in his hair. “I know. I’m so sorry it took me so long to see, baby. If you could just give me one more chance… let me make it up to you, let me try to love you the way you deserve, even if maybe I don’t know how to–”

“I gave you so much,” Hyunjin whispers brokenly, wiping the fringe from his eyes and not breaking their eye contact. “Do you know how much you took out of me, Changbin? How much of my heart you've taken? How many nights I spent crying because you weren't there to hold me? How much I longed for you all this time only to watch you disappear further and further, thinking you didn’t care?"

Everything inside him hurts and this is somehow worse than when he left, because this time it’s Changbin’s fault for being delusional enough to think Hyunjin would forgive him– He’s shaking from head to toe and he doesn’t want to be conscious anymore for this moment because Hyunjin is giving up completely and he has every right to even if Changbin is being torn at the seams.

“I know, my love– I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I’m so fucking sorry and I’m sorry for ruining everything, for ruining us– ” He presses the words against his hipbone, kisses him everywhere he can reach on his knees, if only to show the fractions of love that’s always existed for Hyunjin. “I understand if you hate me, but just please don’t leave again–”

He’s so fucking pathetic and he doesn’t deserve Hyunjin and–

“I tried so fucking hard,” Hyunjin is rambling a bit as well, clutching onto Changbin’s shoulders and shaking from the sobs. “Do you know how hard I tried to hate you for everything you did? Channie kept saying you must’ve had a reason but I was so fucking hurt I couldn’t fanthom why you’d ever do that to me so I tried so hard to resent you–”

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry– ” He can’t do anything other than apologize because truly, no amount of apologies would ever fix what he did–

“But I just couldn’t– I couldn’t hate you for the life of me. Every time I saw you you stole my breath away like it was the first time. I was hopeless, I wanted to wipe every tear you shed despite the fact that you became the reason for all of mine–” It ends in a choked sob and his knees nearly buckle as well, only saved by Changbin’s arms around his middle.

Everything hurts and Hyunjin is so heartbroken and Changbin is so fucking sorry and it all burns and scorches and freezes all at once and he’s being broken apart from the inside over and over again, shattering and splintering under Hyunjin’s words until he can’t do anything but gasp for air through choked cries, reaching out a shaking hand to cup his cheek and drag him closer.

“Hyunjin– Hyunjin– Please, let me try one more time. I’ll change,” He begs on his knees, because it’s the last thing he might ever do. “I’ll be a better man for you– I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you, baby. I won’t ever let myself do that again– I’ll overcome anything if it means keeping you. Please. ” He ends it on a whisper, not looking away when Hyunjin starts crying again, “Please, I love you. Let me love you, Hwang Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin sobs and his knees finally buckle and he collapses until they’re at eye level, until Changbin wipes his beautiful hair away from his beautiful face and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, promising him without words to love him exactly how he should be loved.

“Promise me,” Hyunjin finally chokes, clutching Changbin’s hand over his cheek. “Promise me you’ll talk to me– Promise me I won’t ever lose you again, that you won’t ever pull away again.”

“I promise,” He answers desperately. “I promise on my life. I’m sorry. I love you so much– just please. Please. Let me love you.”

Hyunjin nods, trembling. “Okay.”

Changbin doesn’t dare to breathe, staring at him with wide eyes and a flicker of hope in his battered heart. “Okay?”

Hyunjin nods again, releasing a wet laugh this time. “Okay– yeah. I’ll stay. I’ll be with you.”

Oh my god. Oh my god. It’s like the weight of the world has finally been lifted from Changbin’s chest, like he’s able to take the first full gulp of air that he’s taken in months. Hyunjin is staying. Changbin can breathe. His heart starts beating again.

“You– you forgive me?”

Hyunjin’s smile is watery but it’s there as he wipes his tears, leans their foreheads together. “I’m ready to try.”

It’s not there yet but fuck, the fact that Hyunjin is even considering it after everything–

“Please, let me kiss you.” Changbin whispers with a thick voice, hand entwined in Hyunjin’s hair as he presses their foreheads together. “Can I kiss you, Jinnie? Please–”

He doesn’t get to finish his words when Hyunjin grabs his face and kisses him hard, the force of it sending Changbin back until Hyunjin can climb onto his lap and have Changbin’s arms wrap around him– Fuck, it feels like his mind finally goes still with Hyunjin’s lips, like he’s finally where he belongs.

Hyunjin kisses frantically and Changbin’s wanted this for so long it feels like he’s finally able to breathe, they’re both desperate and it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t get any air as long as Hyunjin keeps kissing him like this. 

“I love you,” Hyunjin gasps through the tears, hiding his face in Changbin’s neck and fisting his shirt. “I love you so much– please say you love me too.”

“I do,” He murmurs, holding Hyunjin as close and tight as he can. “ God, I love you so fucking much.”

Hyunjin shudders but wraps himself tighter around him. “Say it again. Please.”

“I love you.” He whispers back.

His eyes are beautiful. He is beautiful, on Changbin’s lap and pressing kisses into his face. He’s perfect. 

“I love you too.” He whispers, and his smile isn’t exhausted after so long– it’s just soft and adoring, void of pain and instead filled with love. Fuck. They’re finally here. They’re finally with each other.

“I’m sorry for keeping this from us for so long–” 

“Stop apologizing,” Hyunjin soothes, kissing his tears away this time. “We’ll– We can talk later, yeah? It's enough emotions for today.”

Changbin kisses him again just because he can– because he’s finally allowed, both by the world and by himself. “I love you. I love you. ”

“Take me to bed.” Hyunjin whispers against his lips. “Show me just how much.”

Changbin’s never been able to deny him anything.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

The sunlight filtering through the blinds highlight Hyunjin’s beauty perfectly when Changbin blinks his eyes open. His skin is golden and he’s curled in his chest adorably, letting out puffs of air. He’s so perfect.

It’s still early. He must have a hundred messages by now from the members– but he doesn’t dare open it, doesn’t want to break the bubble they created last night, afraid it’s all a dream he’s gonna wake up from.

He can’t help the fact that there’s still a small ball of anxiety in his gut, a small part of him still afraid that Hyunjin will wake up and decide he’s not good enough after all. He knows he won’t, but it’s just– it’s still scary, to date someone.

He won’t fuck up this time. He can’t afford to lose Hyunjin again.

Hyunjin’s pretty eyes finally blink open. “Hi.” He yawns, the sight filling his heart with fondness.

“Hi, baby. Did you sleep well?”

Hyunjin hums sleepily, rubbing his face against his shoulder. “Sore.”

Changbin laughs. “Hey, you asked for it–”

“ Stop! don’t tease!” He whines back, hiding his face in Changbin’s neck endearingly. He’s so cute.

They settle in a silence of comfort and warmth, but last night’s conversation still hasn’t left Changbin’s mind.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, I really am.” He whispers, turning towards Hyunjin.

He looks at him with those rich brown eyes of his. They seem so warm, Changbin wants to exist in them forever.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t understand?” He murmurs back with genuine curiosity. “Did you really only pull away because you thought I wouldn’t want you?”

It takes Changbin a second to answer. “I mean… It wasn’t really that. I knew you were into me– I noticed how you looked at me when Chan mentioned the sparkle…”

Hyunjin blushes bright red, but it makes Changbin giggle slightly and press a kiss to his hair. “Like I knew, but I didn’t think I could actually be what you want– I was scared you’d tire of me and leave me, so I thought if I pulled away until your feelings faded, it would be the best for everyone.”

A frown shows on his handsome face as his fingers draw patterns on Changbin’s sternum, encased in the glow of the sunlight, the warm covers and his heavy confession.

“I could never not want you, first of all.” He eventually sighs out, tipping his chin up and pressing a kiss on his mouth. “And why would I ever tire of you?”

The insecurity comes back in his eyes and he looks down, choosing to play with Hyunjin’s fingers instead. “I’m not that interesting, I guess. Or at least not as a partner. You want those big romantic gestures, the waxing poetics type of love– and I don’t even see the point in them. I thought I wouldn’t be the right one for you.”

Hyunjin is only staring at him. He looks contemplative, eyes flitting over him silently. Changbin tries not to squirm under his intense gaze.

“Did you ever think of asking me what I wanted?”

He squirms harder. “I was scared– What if I ruined everything? And then I did because I’m stupid and–”

He kisses him quiet again, nuzzling their noses together. “You’re not stupid.”

(Changbin loves him. He loves him. )

“I meant it when I said all I’ve ever wanted was you.” He says softly. “I know who you are, Changbin. You’re thoughtful and worry about making others happy… you’re strong and funny and lovely and there for me whenever I need.” He pecks him on the cheek and his cheeks redden slightly. “You’re amazing. You’re perfect– I’m so fucking lucky.”

He shakes his head minutely. “I’m the lucky one.”

“I love you.” He says again, making his heart soar as if it’s the first time. “I love you and everything about you and all that you are– I love you. I’ve loved only you for years.” 

He’s so beautiful. He’s so lovely. His heart feels alive again and the words run deep until it fills every corner of his chest that’s ever belonged to Hyunjin, mending all the pieces together with every word.

“But what if–”

Hyunjin wasn’t done talking, pressing a playful finger against his lips. “Besides, I never wanted big romantic gestures– I want soft touches in the morning. I want stolen kisses while we’re recording that make Jeongin fake gag–” Changbin lets out a snort at that. “I wanna lay on you while we watch movies and hold your hand when we go out– I want someone to share my life with. I want to be with you.”

He’s kind of gaping because this is a lot but also so loving that it steals his breath away, but it’s also exactly what he feels for Hyunjin, as well, exactly what he wants– and maybe they do deserve each other, after all. 

He doesn’t know how to respond. He dives forward and kisses him deeply, until he’s laid flat on his back and Changbin is hovering above him. God. What a vision.

When he finally finds his voice, he manages saying, “I want that too. I want to share my life with you and I love you and– and I’m sorry. We could’ve had this ages ago, but I left and I’m sorry–”

“We’re here now.” Hyunjin soothes, hands running through Changbin’s hair. “You’re with me, baby. We’ll be okay.”

He presses his face against Hyunjin’s neck, trying to be as close as possible. 

“And also– You always give me gifts when I’m down. You take me out on bad days and spoil me and you even write songs about me– You’re pretty damn romantic!”

Changbin whines lowly in his neck. “You write songs too!”

Hyunjin is quiet as he rubs hands down his back, both of them wrapped up in each other. 

He takes in a deep breath before he starts talking again. "Did Chan hyung let you hear the song I wrote?" He whispers tentatively.

Changbin moves until he can face him with his head on his chest. "He did."

Hyunjin runs fingers through his hair. His love is evident in every touch, overwhelming Changbin. "I meant every word, you know?"

His admission is quiet, like a secret shared between them.

"I know you did." He murmurs back. It's simple but that's enough– they don't need words to understand each other's feelings anymore.

"I'll love you for a long time." Hyunjin promises, pressing the words into his lips like a sacred oath.

Changbin drags him closer by his waist. His boy. His everything. "I'll love you even longer." He teases, and that's enough words said as they settle into another silence full of love and warmth.

He presses Hyunjin as close as he can, hoping to be consumed entirely as they stay bundled in the sheets.

They'll figure it out, together.

Changbin thinks everything will be okay again as he closes his eyes, at peace for the first time in months.

── ⋆⋅❀⋅⋆ ──

Facing the members again might not have been as easy as he thought it’d be.

They come back in the afternoon to cheers and hugs but also to shouts and curious questions asking what happened, and of course they tell– Changbin apologizes, Hyunjin says he’s coming back and they explain whatever needed because it’s their members, their family who’d been there for them this entire time.

Minho says he’s proud. He and Jisung hug Changbin as long and as tight as he needs while he struggles to not let the tears spill again thanks to them, thanking both of them again and again because truly, without the couple he wouldn’t be here right now.

Chan and Felix take it upon themselves to swallow Hyunjin in hugs, the latter crying already at hearing that Hyunjin will be coming back to the group. He hasn’t seen Chan be this happy in weeks, not letting go of Hyunjin and constantly expressing his gratitude that it’s good between them now.

It’s all good. Everyone’s happy, Hyunjin is so dazzling it’s dizzying him and all his members are back and they say they’re happy for him and that they missed him, both Chan and Jisung say they’re relieved he’s okay– it’s all good. Everyone is okay.

Mostly.

It’s all mostly good because even if Felix says he’s glad it’s all over, even if he’s warmed up to Changbin like before– Seungmin won’t talk to him. 

He hugged Hyunjin and said he’s glad he’s back, but hasn’t looked at Changbin even once. It shouldn’t bother him this much but– he misses his members, okay? He misses all of them. Even when they help Hyunjin move back in, Seungmin doesn’t address him. It’s… Changbin hates it.

It’s movie night tonight. After all the tears and emotions they’re spread over their living room in various states, Jeongin arguing with Felix over which movie to pick. It’s all so familiar and he’s missed this so much but Seungmin is curled away from him.

He hasn’t talked much since their arrival. It makes a pit of anxiety grow in Changbin’s gut, enough to make him excuse himself to the kitchen to take a breather.

He tries drinking something to get rid of the lump in his throat but it doesn’t help– He’s had so much in the past 24 hours, from Felix’s speech to making up with Hyunjin to an emotionally charged conversation with everyone present– he’s honestly just exhausted.

Hyunjin follows him to the kitchen. He’s such a goddamn angel.

“Hey, baby.” He murmurs, gentle eyes tracking his movements and drawing him in by his hips. “What’s on your mind?”

Changbin immediately feels his shoulders untense with the touch, relaxing against his chest.

“Do you think they’re okay with me?” He asks, hating how small his voice sounds.

Hyunjin pulls away a bit, cupping his cheek and frowning. “Changbin… they love you.”

“Yeah, but after everything I did–”

“You were just hurting.” He soothes, kissing him on the forehead. “They’re happy you’re okay, baby. Everyone was just worried. You know how proud Chan and Minho are.”

He presses Changbin close to his chest, taking hands through his hair comfortingly. “Everything is okay– You don’t have to worry so much anymore.”

“Seungmin isn’t.” He whispers meekly. “He’s still mad– I fucked up a lot in the group.”

“Nothing can break our family.” Hyunjin insists. “Seungmin just needs some time, love… It’ll be okay.” He presses the words into his skin where it seeps into Changbin like an antidote, making him drag the taller down until he can kiss him properly.

“It’ll be okay.” Hyunjin echoes, pecking him again. “You’ve worried enough for a lifetime.”

“I love you.” Changbin sighs, softening like a puddle in his arms, especially when his eyes crinkle as he smiles.

“I love you too. Be back quick, yeah?”

He nods as Hyunjin leaves back to the living room, dragging a hand down his face. It’s okay! He tries telling himself again. They’re his members and they love him and he’s okay, it’s all fixed and all good and it’s finally over even if Seungmin is ignoring him and it makes him want to swallow a stick of fire–

He’s being dramatic. It’s all fine. Seungmin just needs time, and Changbin will give it to him because it’s fine and because he’s already come so far, he’s finally with Hyunjin and he’s on good terms again with everyone and it’s good, it’s good! He’s being dramatic.

He rubs his eyes and sighs, trying to tell himself not to worry again when he removes them, and–

And Seungmin is standing in front of him in the kitchen, eyebrows pinched. Fucking shit. Maybe he’s a piece of shit after all. 

He gulps when the silence stretches into a couple minutes, Seungmin only staring at him with a frustrated expression. 

“Hi, Min.”

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. Fucking hell. Why is he so intimidating? He’s literally younger than Changbin and yet he’s sitting here gripping the counter as if he could pounce on him any second.

He clears his throat. “I understand if you need some time, Seungmin-ah– but if you could tell me what–”

“Are you even sorry at all?”

It’s sudden but it hurts like a flash, leaving him to gape a little. 

“I apologized this morning– I said I was sorry for pulling away, you guys said i didn’t have to apologize–”

“No!” Seungmin bites back. “I know you and Hyunjin are fine and shit and the group is back together, whatever– Are you sorry about me? ”

He’s drawing a blank. When he came back, he did not expect this. He’d seen it coming when Felix had to hit him a couple times before he warmed up, but this– he’d never seen Seungmin this upset. Fuck.

“What?” He dumbly asks, because he genuinely has no idea what’s going on.

Seungmin scoffs. “You don’t even fucking know, do you?”

“What’s wrong, Minnie?” He just wants his members back, he wants to go one goddamn day without crying.

Seungmin swallows, a mad tilt to his mouth. “Are you even sorry for how you left me? How you pulled away from me? ”

Changbin frowns, wanting to reach out a hand but deciding against it when Seungmin throws his arms in the air.

“Look, Felix chose to stay by Hyunjin– we all tried to help you both, everyone saw how much both of you got hurt, but– you still talked to everyone else, hyung!” There’s a shine in his eyes now as he speaks. “You pulled away from me even if you talked to the others, okay? I’m fucking hurt.”

He’s still fishmouthing by the time he finishes speaking. Seungmin’s eyes are wet, his arms are crossed over his chest and Changbin feels horrible.  

“I thought you were mad at me, Minnie. I didn’t want to make it worse.” He admits quietly. 

Seungmin frowns again. “Why would I be mad?”

“You’re close with Hyunjin– I thought… I thought everyone would hate me for how my feelings disrupted the group.”

“Do you hear how ridiculous you sound–” He scoffs again, face troubled as he steps closer to Changbin. “None of us blame you for how you feel, or felt, or– Or whatever! We could never be mad if you’re in pain– We fucking love you!” He sounds incredulous, as if the thought of Changbin thinking otherwise physically pains him. Despite the situation, it makes him feel warm.

“The thing that bothered us– or me, at least– was how distant you became. It hurt like hell thinking you didn’t trust me, Changbin. You spilled everything to Minho and entrusted Jisung– even Jeongin visited you most times, but I didn’t hear from you in weeks. Felix was mad so I get why you didn’t talk to him, but what did I do?”

The tears spill over his cheeks and it’s the first time Changbin has thought about it properly. Looking back, he indeed kind of just assumed Seungmin would be mad as well because Felix lived with him. 

"You didn't do anything, Minnie." He murmurs out. "I thought you wouldn't want to talk to me, so I didn't reach out– I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

Seungmin moves closer until he can hit him in the chest. "You better fucking not do it again. I missed you like hell."

A tiny smile slips through. "I missed you too. I'm really sorry for being distant… I trust you with my life, I was just scared you wouldn't talk to me."

Seungmin huffs again, but moves to wrap him in a tight hug. "Next time you're scared, ask! Talk to us if you need help, we're here for you!"

"I will." He mumbles, chin digging into Seungmin's shoulder. "I'm sorry for hurting you… I really am. I love all of you and I promise to do better–"

"You don't have to do better. You're amazing as you are." Seungmin cuts him off. "Just let us help you once in a while, okay?"

Changbin nods against him, feeling warm all over again. "Okay."

Seungmin pulls away and gives him a tentative smile. Changbin missed him so much. He's missed all of them, but when they go back to the living room, he's once again reminded that they're all here. They're all here and it's okay, the months of hell are over and he's happier and everything is back to how it should be.

He settles back next to Hyunjin, sinking into his grip when he wraps his arms around Changbin to press his back to his chest.

"Did you guys talk?" He asks, seeing how Seungmin is smiling softly as he sits back down on the floor.

"Yeah." Changbin whispers back. It's a silent promise to tell everything later, but for now he leans his head on Hyunjin's shoulder. His boyfriends shoulder.

Chan hits play on the screen and moves back to spoon Felix, Minho and Jisung are wrapped up in the loveseat and Jeongin is fighting Seungmin for the mattress on the floor, and– everything is how it used to be. Everything is okay.

He's okay. Changbin is in love with Hyunjin and they're holding each other as everyone else surrounds him in a domestic and familiar bliss, drowning the room in love. He's okay.

Changbin's heart beats alive again when Hyunjin's hand lands on top of it and reminds him who it's beating for, and he's finally able to take the first light breath he's taken in months . 

Seo Changbin loves Hwang hyunjin, and that’s the way it’ll be forever.