Chapter Text
Buck stirs; and the movement, coupled with a pained groan, is enough to wake Tommy out of the already restless sleep he was barely managing. He straightens himself in his hospital chair and waits for Buck to fully become conscious. “Hey,” he says softly when those gorgeous baby blues finally flutter open. Buck blinks a few times, taking in his surroundings, and tries to move; a deep, guttural noise escapes him immediately and he screws his eyes shut. “Easy there,” Tommy laughs, leaning forward to rest a hand on his shoulder, to ease him back down on the mattress. “You— you’re pretty banged up, Buck. Don’t move.”
“Mmm…” he hums in response, shaking his head back and forth. “‘Vn… ‘vn!!” He furrows his brow and looks at Tommy, eyes sad and pleading; clears his throat and says… very intently. “Evan.”
Tommy stares at him, and feels his lips twitch, curling up ever so slightly, and he nods. “Okay, okay… Evan.”
As bright as the sun when it’s at its peak in the sky, with not a single cloud to hide its rays, Evan smiles.
For now— at least for just a moment— it’s enough. Enough to take Tommy’s mind off the cramps the doctor in the ER said would probably last for a few more days. Enough for Tommy to appreciate what is here in front of him; what he can see and touch, that has a heartbeat and life… and not dwell on what has been lost. Enough to pretend— for just this blessed little moment— everything is going to be okay.
*
Tommy explains the details of the accident to Evan. He tells him how the semi had run the light, and the side of the engine he was sitting on took the most impact. He tells him how the call came in and how he was prepared to fight someone if they didn’t let him fly to the scene. “My hero,” Evan laughs.
“Hardly,” Tommy rebuts, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I didn’t do much…” He didn’t do enough. He didn’t do the most important thing he was supposed to do. He didn’t keep their child safe. “B- But you’re safe… I’m so happy you’re okay…”
At some point Tommy’s hand ends up in Evan’s. He holds it gingerly, like it’s a precious fragile thing he can break— he has broken enough of Evan already. He runs his calloused thumbs over the knuckles, and after a few moments teetering on the uncertainty of whether this is acceptable or not Evan finally splays out his fingers and intertwines them with Tommy’s. With that… Tommy carefully brings the hand up and kisses it— Evan uses the hold to pull Tommy forward into an actual kiss.
He sighs against Tommy’s lips, and lingers there so long Tommy thinks he might have nodded off again until he finally hums like he’s content and Tommy pulls back to look into his eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby…” he says.
“It’s okay…” Evan replies, and it’s really not… Tommy knows it’s not… nothing is okay. Not with the breakup, or Tommy running— Evan doesn’t even know the full extent of how not okay things are; would he be so forgiving if he did? He considers protesting, but Evan’s forehead is pressing against his and he seems so content with just being— Tommy can do that too, at least for the moment.
*
The moment proves to be short lived, and Bobby catches Tommy out in the lobby while Maddie is in with Buck, making her own fuss over him. “I talked to Lucy,” he says, eyes soft… and all too knowing. Tommy feels his throat tighten; he can’t even squeeze out a lame attempt at bitchiness towards her for blabbing his business. Somehow Bobby’s expression softens even more, as he reaches out and lays a hand gently on Tommy’s shoulder. “I am so terribly sorry, Tommy… If there is anything I can do— If there is anything you need… my door is always open, okay?”
For a second Tommy feels that connection he’d felt way back when he was still at the 118. That strange powerful pull towards the new captain— something that was almost akin to how he suspected he should feel around his own father— that he never quite got the full experience of before his transfer. Tommy blinks at him, the lump in his throat too big, too wedged in tight to speak around, and he nods.
“So is- is everything— are- are you…” Bobby sighs at himself, not seeming to know what to say. “How are you, considering…”
Tommy shifts on his feet, and tries desperately to find his voice so he can lie his way out of trauma-dumping the past day and a half onto his former captain.
He doesn’t want to talk about the miscarriage… He doesn’t want to talk about how, after the staff came out and learned what was happening, they rushed him inside, got him in a room— how they told him to try his best to relax; that his body should do the work… but if it didn’t they would have to intervene.
Eight hours later… they had to intervene.
He doesn’t want to talk about how he spent the entirety he was cohesive enough to think clearly… thinking about how Evan might be dying just a floor above while they scraped their child out of him.
He doesn’t want to talk about how he felt so numb when they released him— how he winded up in the ICU asking for Evan Buckley, instead of going home. He doesn’t want to talk about how he took advantage of Evan's unconscious state to take in every aspect of his being: every dimple in his skin, every mole and freckle, every perfection and the imperfections, too. He is so beautiful and their child would have been so beautiful too.
He doesn’t want to talk about it, or think about it… but he tells Bobby everything, anyway. He doesn’t even know why. He just starts talking and he can’t stop, and eventually he is talking and crying… and Bobby is just standing there listening; he lets Tommy have the floor, until he has said his piece.
Then, without a word, he pulls him into a hug.
And Tommy cries harder.
He apologizes profusely, because he didn’t mean to cry all over Bobby, just like he hadn’t meant to cry all over Lucy— and like Lucy, Bobby assures him it is absolutely no problem.
“Please don’t tell him…” Tommy finally manages to get out.
“I didn’t plan on it,” Bobby says softly, rubbing a hand over Tommy’s back as his sobs, turn to cries, turn to just some shaky breath and sniffling. “But…” he continues once Tommy is calm. “I do believe you should. I think it would help with your grieving process. And I know that Buck would want to be a part of that with you.”
Tommy feels his face crumpling again. “I know that, I just—” Tommy looks back towards the room. “I just got him back. I can’t— I can’t lose him again…”
“You think you’ll lose him?”
“I lost his child…”
That’s enough for Bobby to pull back and give him a stern— but sympathetic— look. “That was not your fault, Tommy.” He stares at Tommy; Tommy knows he looks doubtful. He sighs. “Buck would never blame you for this loss… he’d more likely blame himself for causing it.” Tommy’s eyes go wide and he’s about to protest, but Bobby stops him. “That’s just Buck, he will find a way to shoulder the blame no matter what… but he would blame himself so much more if he knows you went through this pain alone. So I definitely think you should tell him.”
*
Tommy waits until the visitors die down.
He slips into the room after Eddie and Chris have left and gently pushes it closed behind him. It must be written all over his face because Evan immediately asks him if he’s okay. “No,” Tommy says, quietly, dreading this conversation already.
“W- What wrong…”
Tommy crosses the room and drops down into his chair, taking Evan’s hand between both of his. He licks his lips, but his throat is so dry it doesn’t help much. Words are nonexistent, his nerves are frayed. “I- I, uhm…” Evan is looking more panicked by the second and Tommy is starting to regret choosing this while he was still in the hospital, recovering. The bulky feeling of the massive pad the hospital provided reminds him he is also recovering and Bobby’s voice is in his ear encouraging him to go on. He laces their fingers together, and the first tear falls as he realizes— “I was going to tell you today anyway…”
His voice is so small, he is surprised Evan hears him, but he does. “Tell me what?”
“That- That I was… pregnant.”
It takes a couple seconds for Evan to register what he said. “You- You… what?” Another beat and he realizes the tense. “Wait… was?” Tommy swipes away at the tears, and nods. “You- You had a—” He quickly nods again before he has to hear Evan say it out loud. Now tears are filling Evan’s eyes, and he shifts himself towards Tommy. “W- was it because of— of…”
“I guess the stress… and I- I probably should have never been the one to fly to the scene… I’m- I’m so sorry, Evan.”
“Wha— No… Tommy, no, it’s- it’s not your fault.” Evan squeezes Tommy’s hand, pulling him closer so he can reach up and caress Tommy’s cheek, running his thumb under Tommy's eye to catch the tears. “You should have never been put in that situation… I’m sorry about that.”
“You have nothing to apologize for either…” Tommy says, reaching up to hold onto Evan’s wrists; his lips tremble despite his best efforts to control it and his breathing is so shaky.
Evan nods. He moves over on the bed as far as he can and releases Tommy’s face to lower his guard rail. “Come here,” he says, holding his arms out to Tommy.
“I’m not getting in your bed, Evan…” Tommy says, forcing a laugh.
“I want to— I n- need to hold you,” Evan says, softly. “Please come here…”
Tommy doesn’t fight that— honestly he’d love nothing more than to be held by Evan. He carefully climbs onto the bed, avoiding wires and Evan’s injuries, and eases himself up against Evan’s side. He feels the most at ease in Evan’s arms, that he has since- since the break up really… He lets his head fall to Evan’s chest and exhales; with it comes a sob, then another, and another. Evan’s body is trembling too, and he feels a tear fall from above him and land on his forehead.
He carefully wraps an arm around Evan’s body, holding him close as they grieve what they’ve lost.
They cry until they can’t cry anymore, and then they just lie there in silence, until Tommy thinks maybe Evan has fallen asleep. “I missed you so much,” Evan says, disproving the thought. His face is buried in Tommy’s curls and he presses a kiss against them. “I don’t want to miss you anymore…”
Tommy gently shifts so he can look up at Evan. “Me neither,” he says, and pushes up enough to capture Evan’s lips. He brings a hand up to hold Evan’s face while he kisses him, and he knows there is so much more to say— so much more to be sorry about, and work through. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
He hates that this is what brought them back together. He hates that they might come out of this stronger than before, but at such a great cost. He hates that they will never meet their child…
But he has been given a second chance at a future with Evan… and with that, maybe, he can hope for a second chance at a family with Evan as well.