Chapter Text
Merlin growled into his ear, "There is nothing wrong with using Viagara. I know that it..." a woman's voice interrupted him, "Of course there isn't Merlin. You shouldn't be questioning yourself like that". She sounded like she had heard Merlin's last comment and had assumed that he was trying to convince himself. Harry smiled at the thought of Maureen reprimanding Merlin. The glasses abruptly turned off. It didn't matter, he would get the full story from Eggsy next time they met and would taunt Merlin with it at his leisure.
Lunch was delicious and they leaned into each other as they talked, the perfect picture of a courting couple until Mrs Bertolli bustled towards their table. She had obviously been watching them and waiting to interrupt. She fawned over Harry whilst sizing up Eggsy as though he had just asked her for Harry's hand in marriage. Harry hadn't mentioned his parents but Eggsy doubted that they could be more protective of him than Mrs Bertolli. He thought wryly of Maureen and how she would fuss over him when he got back to the pharmacy.
Mrs Bertolli finally left after she had questioned Eggsy and decided that he was good enough for her Harry. They relaxed and allowed one thing to lead to another, as it usually does on these occasions, and soon they were agreeing not to have pudding. Harry took a deep breath and, in an apprehensive voice, invited Eggsy back to his place for the afternoon.
A sudden cackle stung his ear and Merlin's voice re-appeared as if by dark magic, "What the fook are you so nervous about, Harry? Yer soond like a spotty teenager". He could hear Merlin silently shaking his head in exasperation and, possibly, a little jealously that Harry was going to have an afternoon of wanton pleasure.
The laughter in his ear slowed, "Yer really like him, don't yer Harry?". Harry surreptitiously nodded and the glasses turned themselves off again.
Eggsy normally acted on instinct but, for some reason he couldn't explain, he paused for thought. They had had a really good time, talking nonsense about Greek and Italian sculpture then discussing families and things that were important to them. Harry was a gentleman but that wasn't what he was interested in right now. Ever since Harry had started talking about "penises" as he primly called them Eggsy had been imagining what Harry would be like in bed. Would he restrain his emotions and be kind and attentive or lose control and ravish him? Then Maureen's kindly face replaced his fantasy of Harry bending him over a table and he knew it wouldn't be fair to leave her to cope alone with the evening rush. He knew Harry would be disappointed so he tried to be calm and gentle when he said no.
He looked into Harry's deep brown eyes and watched as he looked away, his face not showing any emotion but his body tightening slightly as he brought himself under control.
Harry turned back and nodded, trying to smile but the smile didn't quite emerge and he looked forlorn although he said quietly, "I understand".
Eggsy made a sudden decision and stood up. "Stay there," he told Harry and rushed to the corridor near the gents to call Maureen.
"Maureen," he began.
"Eggsy, I know what you're going to say and the answer is yes. You go off and enjoy yourself. Merlin said he'd help me and as long as you're back for the five o'clock rush we'll be fine together." Eggsy frowned as he continued to watch Harry who appeared to be muttering to himself. He felt miffed - it sounded like he'd been usurped already. He shrugged his shoulders at his silliness whilst Maureen continued, "Merlin has been telling me all about Harry and he sounds a real gentleman and," the line went quiet as she was clearly moving somewhere more private, "he says he's very well endowed".
Eggsy nearly choked on his own breath. "Maureen, why were you even discussing that?"
Maureen's voice was smug, "Merlin and I have had a long chat about desire and bodily responses". Eggsy held the phone away from his ear and stared at it unbelievingly. This was Maureen, middle-aged Maureen talking about sex. What was wrong with her? She was definitely on the wrong side of fifty. He looked across the room at Harry. Oh.
She was talking about penises when he put the phone back to his ear. First Harry then Maureen talking about penises was too much; they were cocks not penises! Eggsy closed his eyes as a horrifying thought occurred to him - perhaps it was an age thing. But no. No! Just no. There was no way that Harry was the same age as Maureen. No way. He couldn't be. He was younger. Much. Younger.
When he started to listen again she was whispering, "So I think he's taking the Viagara because she makes comments about him and it's making his penis wilt, poor man". Eggsy tried to interrupt but Maureen was in full flow telling him how she thought Merlin would be better off with a woman of her age. He kept silent for several more minutes occasionally putting his thumbs up to Harry when he nervously glanced across.
"Maureen," he said desperately trying to curtail her monologue.
"What these older men don't realise is that many women's sex drive gets stronger as they get older but we have the experience to make the men feel good about themselves." Maureen's voice got even quieter, "He's a handsome man and he certainly wouldn't need Viagara if he was with me". Eggsy opened his mouth to stop the torture but his voice didn't seem to work. Maureen continued, "I don't want to boast but..." Eggsy gave a squeal. "Eggsy, are you ok?" She asked in her concerned voice.
Eggsy managed to reassure her that he was fine then said goodbye before collapsing against the wall absolutely exhausted. He looked across to Harry who was now shaking his head although no-one else was around. He rubbed his hand over his face. Perhaps Harry actually was the same age as Maureen and early senility had started. He fell back against the wall and closed his eyes.
Meanwhile Harry had been drawing on his non-existent experience with middle-aged women to advise Merlin on what he ought to do.
"Well, do you like her?" He asked Merlin, thinking what a stupid question it was.
Merlin didn't appear to notice as his reply was immediate and definite, "Aye, she's a grand lassie with a wonderful sense of humour".
To say Harry was surprised was an understatement. He had written off Maureen as an ugly warty witch when he first saw her. He groaned when he remembered that he had actually said that to Merlin. Of course, it had been an unfair contest when she was stood next to his blonde godling. "His," he thought and smiled.
"His?" Merlin asked in a confused voice. "His what?"
Oh fucking shit balls he was actually saying his thoughts out loud now. He looked across to Eggsy who was looking puzzled at him but then his sparking green eyes lit up and he put his thumbs up. Harry smiled back and tried to concentrate on what Merlin was saying.
"She's built to last if yer know what I mean," Merlin was saying, causing Harry to shudder at the thought of Maureen's stamina in bed, "and now she knows of my problem, she's very solicitous. We discussed a few alternatives".
Harry rolled his eyes and glanced back to Eggsy, wishing him to return as soon as possible.
"She's a very knowledgeable young woman," Merlin said, now warming to his subject. "Did you know that the nerve pathways of the prostate are linked to the penis?"
Harry looked blankly at the nearest statue of David. He had never had any problem with erectile dysfunction. Rather the opposite as it had taken years for him to gain control over untimely erections which his Kingsman suit appeared to magnify. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat before remembering to reply to Merlin. "No, I didn't know that, Merlin. It's a fascinating subject," he said blandly removing all inflexion from his voice and hoping that Merlin would pick up on the obvious fact that he did not want this conversation.
Merlin carried on talking with uncharacteristic gusto. "Maureen says that regular prostate massage would work wonders for me."
"Harry, are you still there?"
Harry's brain had momentarily retreated to save his sanity and he pulled back in time to say inanely, "That's nice".
Merlin sounded pleased, "It'd be a blessed relief not to have to perform all the time".
Harry saw Eggsy slump against the wall just as Merlin hurriedly said goodbye.
Eggsy was drawn out of his stupor by the smell of Harry's musky cologne and a strong hand stroking his arm. "Are you ok, Eggsy?"
Eggsy looked up, still recovering his senses. He smiled with exhausted relief and asked hopefully, "I think we were just going back to your house, weren't we?"
Harry's smile lit up the restaurant, "Yes, we certainly are".
As they walked out of the restaurant and stood under the limp flag, Eggsy lifted his phone to his ear and winked at Harry. "Hiya Maureen, I'm goin' off for a few hours with me Gentleman Stud now. Tell Merlin that next time we'll make it a foursome."