Chapter Text
He had barely slept. He had only gotten a couple of hours in before the nightmares woke him. A vision of Määnin's bloated corpse was what shook him out of his sleep, and after that, he was too shaken to relax. He tossed and turned in bed for a couple of hours before he gave up and got up. He tried to watch TV but was too restless to really focus.
It hadn’t been that bad, all things considered. Sure, he hadn’t slept, but he felt strangely calm. Today was the day, the day he could finally see Määnin again. He had been nervous all week, panicking about how this day would go. Would Määnin be happy to see him? He had been pretty mad in the hospital. Maybe the people in the rehab centre would convince him that Tommy was a bad influence, and Määnin would refuse to see him. These thoughts had been plaguing him, but now they were like washed away. It didn’t matter what he felt, Määnin deserved to have someone show up for him, so Tommy would be there.
First, he needed to go pick up some more stuff for Määnin. That meant going back to his apartment, back to where this all started. It felt like an insurmountable task, but he had to do it. Määnin needed more stuff, Freppa had only packed the bare essentials before. He had offered to do it alone again this time, but Tommy had shut him down. He knew what Määnin needed more than Freppa did, he could do this.
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He could not do this. The moment he had entered the apartment, he had frozen, staring at that spot on the floor. He still saw it, Määnin's body, every time he closed his eyes, and now he was looking at the exact spot where he had lain. The background to all of his nightmares. It was just the floor, it wasn’t haunted, it couldn’t hurt him. Määnin wasn’t there, not anymore. He was fine. He was in rehab, getting help. It didn’t help, Tommy still couldn’t move.
Freppa's hand on his shoulder brought him out of his spiralling. He had told him to wait in the car, but of course, Freppa didn’t listen. He was grateful for it, with Freppa here, everything felt easier. Määnin wasn’t dead, and Tommy wasn’t alone. He closed his eyes, ignoring the vision of Määnins body, and took a deep breath, trying to focus on freppas warm hand. He cast one last glance at that cursed piece of floor, and then he moved to the bedroom to pack up some things.
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The nerves were back in full force. He was sitting in a small room, waiting alone. For the first visit, they only allowed one person at a time, and Freppa had agreed to let Tommy go first. He was pacing the room, waiting for Määnin to show up. It was a nice room, painted in a calming green with beautiful pictures of nature on the walls. He hated it. He didn’t want some calm Feng Shui bullshit, he wanted Määnin.
Both his heart and his pacing stopped the moment the door opened. Määnin looked rough. He was pale and had massive bags under his eyes. He stopped in the doorway for only a moment, taking one look at Tommy, before sitting down in one of the chairs. That forced Tommy to sit too, it would be awkward if only one of them were standing. He didn’t know what to say. He had spent so much time imagining a dead Määnin that he wasn’t prepared for a living one. His hesitation meant Määnin beat him to it.
“Are you okay?”.
“Aren’t I supposed to ask you that?”.
“Well, you didn’t”.
They both started laughing. He should have known things would be easy with Määnin, they always were. Or, they usually were, before it all went to shit. Määnin nudged his foot with his.
“Are you? Okay?”.
“Yeah man, I’m getting there. Are you?”.
“I’m getting there”.
He looked at Määnin properly for the first time. It was true he looked wrecked, but he also looked lighter than he had in months, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. After the ice was broken, they lapsed into an easy conversation. Määnin told him about his weird roommate, and Tommy told him about seeing Freppa accidentally walk into a glass door. It felt nice, like old times before Määnin started drinking too much. He wanted to ignore the clock, but he knew he should probably leave so Freppa got some time to talk.
“Listen, I probably have to go so Freppa gets a chance to talk to you, but I think they’ll let me come visit you tomorrow”.
Something in Määnin's expression shifted, and his body stiffened ever so slightly.
“You don’t have to do that”.
“Don’t have to do what?”.
Tommy frowned, unsure what Määnin could be referring to. Did he not want him to go get Freppa? That felt mean, but maybe he was afraid Freppa would be too emotional.
“Come back tomorrow”.
Tommy's face fell, but he tried to wipe off the stricken expression as fast as possible. Määnin didn’t want him here? Why? Everything had been going so well, or so he thought. Had Määnin secretly resented him this whole conversation? Määnin had definitely noticed that he was upset, because he looked slightly panicked, waving his hands around in what Tommy thought was supposed to be a calming and disarming gesture as he spoke again.
“Not because I don’t want to see you. I always want to see you, I just don’t think you need to waste your time talking to me constantly. I’m fine”.
Tommy gave him a look that he hoped conveyed “you’re acting like an idiot right now”.
“Since when had talking to you ever been a waste of time? You’re Määnin, the toughest man in all of Vörå, anyone would be lucky to have the chance to talk to you”.
That earned him a dry chuckle.
“I was the toughest man in all of Vörå, now I’m just pathetic”.
People insulting Määnin always pissed Tommy off, and it turns out that was true even if Määnin was the one doing it. Tommy felt himself sit up straighter, a fire lighting inside of him.
“Don’t you dare say that. You are still Määnin, the toughest motherfucker I’ve ever met. You danced with death, defied all odds and came back. The doctors were worried about brain damage, but I should have told them that Määnins brain is way too tough to be damaged. Not only did you survive, you got help. That’s braver than anything I’ve ever done”.
Määnin seemed taken aback by Tommy's passion. Well, he shouldn’t be, Tommy had always been like this, and he was not going to let something as silly as the irreversible trauma of finding your best friend's dead body stop him.
”Tommy, I might not ever be the same again, you didn’t sign up for that”.
“I signed up for you, no matter what that might look like”.
If there was one thing seeing visions of Määnin dying had cemented for him, it was that he really liked it when Määnin wasn’t dead. No matter who Määnin was after rehab, he would be alive, and that was enough for Tommy.
“I’m not going to be drinking anymore, and being around you drinking might be bad for me”.
“So I’ll stop drinking”.
“I might have to quit the band, we basically only play in bars”.
“I don’t care. Määnin, you can’t convince me not to be your friend”.
Now Määnin looked truly uncomfortable, twisting in his seat slightly. Tommy looked directly at him, willing him to understand.
“I’m not saying we should stop being friends, it’s just that we might not be able to be as close as we were before. I can’t ask you to change your whole life just for me. Tommy, you love the band, you can’t give that up”.
“I already told you, I love you more than anything, and I meant that. I love you more than beer, more than the band, more than any stupid excuse you can throw in my face. We will figure this out, together, because we are Tommy and Määnin, the toughest mother fuckers in the whole world”.
The words seemed to finally sink in, a small smile spreading across Määnins face. Tommy had never been good with words, but the one thing he was good at talking about was how much he liked Määnin, he was glad he could use it.
“Speaking of mother fuckers, how is Marlene?”.
Tommy laughed and rose from his seat. It was time to go get Freppa.
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As he sat down in the waiting room, he felt himself truly relax for the first time in forever. All things considered, today had gone pretty well. Määnin didn’t hate him, and neither of them was dead. They might actually be okay after all, they wouldn’t just have to pretend. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He saw a vision of Määnin as he left him. Smiling. Breathing. Alive.