Chapter Text
Things got worse before they got better.
“Hi,” Todd greeted softly, perched on the window sill, reading by the sunlight slipping through the chink of the curtains.
Comfortable silence fell as Neil slowly blinked himself awake, taking several deep breaths.
“Hurts,” Neil mumbled, closing his eyes and scrunching his face, “wan’ Todd.”
“I’m right here, my love,” Todd set his book on his bed and kneeled beside Neil’s, running his fingers gently through his lover’s hair.
Neil hummed sleepily, still not fully awake, subconsciously leaning towards his touch.
Another ten minutes had passed before Neil opened his eyes again.
“Todd?” He whispered, confused.
“Hi,” Todd repeated, with a grin filled with so much love.
“Hi,” Neil muttered, returning the smile but glanced confusedly around the room.
Understanding dawned on his face as he let his head fall on Todd’s shoulder.
“Charlie told.”
Todd hummed in affirmation, waiting to see his reaction.
Neil seemed to be debating something in his head. Todd waited patiently.
“Does Captain know?”
Todd shook his head.
“We wanted to let you decide if you wanted to tell him.”
Neil nodded slowly.
“I want to.”
“Okay.”
“After breakfast?”
“Of course, my love.”
“Alone?”
“If that’s what you’re comfortable with.”
Neil smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“‘S my fault.”
After 20 minutes of arbitrary rambling to fill the silence, and to let Neil build up his confidence to say what he wanted to say, Mr. Keating fell silent after being cut off mid-sentence.
“‘S my fault. Deserved it. Now ‘m dirty for Todd.”
Mr. Keating froze.
“No,” he breathed, watching as tears fell down Neil’s cheeks, and feeling his own rolling down his.
“No, Neil,” he said, firmer this time, “absolutely not. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?”
Neil shrugged and looked away.
Mr. Keating sighed.
“You don’t have to look at me, but please listen to me?”
Neil hummed.
“Neil. Son, none of this is your fault. There is absolutely nothing that can justify what your father did to you. Even if acting was feminine — which it isn’t — it wouldn’t be a valid reason. Nothing, Neil, nothing could ever justify raping another person.”
Neil thought the engraved desk was the most interesting thing in the world.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil hummed, mind clearly elsewhere.
“Neil. It’s not your fault.”
Neil met Mr. Keating’s gaze.
“I know.”
“No,” his captain repeated, his voice never raised, patient as ever, “it’s not your fault.”
“Yeah,” Neil looked away.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil shrugged and hopped on the table, letting his legs swing.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil tightened his clench of his jaw.
“It’s not your fault.”
A sniffle escaped Neil.
“It’s not your fault.”
Neil scoffed, indignant and bitter.
“Don’t bullshit me.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Not you, please,” Neil begged, losing the fight and tucking his legs under his chin, curling into himself, “anyone but you. Please. Don’t do this to me.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Stop,” Neil whined, covering his ears, turning his back to his captain and rocking back and forth.
“Neil,” Mr. Keating said levelly, still as patient as the first time he said it, “it’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is! If I’d been a better son, if I’d listened , if I’d been just a little braver, if I’d fought back -” He broke off sobbing.
Mr. Keating held him as he cried, each yell of anguish and agony and betrayal and pain shattering Mr. Keating’s heart.
He yelled and sobbed until all his tears were cried out, shoulders slumping as a soft whimper escaped from his lips.
“It’s not your fault,” his captain whispered, his grip never loosening, his tone never changing, so patient and soft and loving -
Neil turned and buried his face into his captain’s chest, gripping his sweater so tight his knuckles turned white, the steady drumming of Mr. Keating’s heartbeat grounding him, cutting through the chaos in his head.
This must be how it feels to have a dad.
“It’s not my fault.”
Todd looked up from his book as Neil entered their dorm, cheeks red and eyes puffy, but the tiny and determined smile that graced Neil’s face finally reached his eyes.
“No, it’s not,” Todd said slowly, upset that he had a pretty good guess on what Neil was talking about.
Neil let his grin widen as he plopped onto his bed.
“I think we should tell someone.”
Neil cocked his head.
“Legally.”
Understanding dawned on Neil.
“I really don’t want to be a bother-”
“Neil,” Todd cut him off gently, fixing him with an expectant stare.
“...It’s not my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
Todd stayed silent as he watched Neil carefully thought over his offer in his head.
Finally, Neil nodded.
“Okay,” he said, softly at first, as if trying to convince himself.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, my love. But I do think it’s best if we did.”
“Okay,” Neil repeated, firmer this time, “if you trust Jeffrey, so do I.”
Neil’s eyes lit up as Todd went over, tenderly caressing his face and pressing a kiss onto his forehead.
“I’m so proud of you, my love.”
For the first time in a long time, Neil looked alive.
(And if Todd noticed Charlie’s puffy eyes and mellow posture at dinner, as if truly being able to relax for the first time in a long time, he didn’t point it out. He simply shot Mr. Keating a grateful nod, allowing himself to believe that good things could happen to him, too.)