Chapter Text
The day after the first kiss
(and so on and so on)
Eddie looks at himself in the mirror, wiping out the tears that fall like a cascade. His juvenile face on the reflection looks back and he wants to scream because he was the one to put himself into this. Was it worth it?
Is it worth the shame or the effort to hide the terrified look on his face so no one could figure out he's different now? He knows he doesn't look different or that anything real changed. Because it was just a game, a practice. It didn't count, I know it didn't count.
Please God, don't hate me. I’ve done wrong, but you're forgiving. It was just a game. It didn't count.
Is it worth the guilt that grows inside his stomach with a pit so deep that could be as deep as the lake he visited only yesterday with a boy who acted mean, like a bad guy, but with such kind eyes and such an enlightened spirit?
If he takes another deep dive in that lake, in that hole, in that feeling he desperately wants to get away from, to shake it off, what's gonna happen to him? If it's not only the guilt that he can grip because what he did is bad, just like Knight said —‘Don’t be silly. We’re boys. We can’t kiss boys’. But also the shadow of happiness and excitement that senses so alike what his friends told him about kissing someone else?
A girl. Always a girl.
If he jumps off that cliff again, it's gonna be bad. The thrill isn't going to be there, not like the last time. He won't be able to swim back up. He's gonna drown.
His breath hitches in the effort to silence his weeps. He's drowning now.
He leaves the bathroom pretending everything is fine after washing his face to hide his red and salty cheeks, faking his own tranquility, a bit distracted for the rest of the day (or the week, or the month).
Sometimes, he remembers about that feeling that belonged to his first kiss, or well, his not first kiss.
He searches for it every time, with anything that brings him happiness. His heart doesn't agree, never flips like that again. His palm sweats with nervousness and the adrenaline appears, but it goes as fast as it came.
It's never like that one. It's a special memory, a special feeling he can't quite classify.
He thinks he would feel it soon when he kisses some girl for the first time. When he finally has that first kiss (the real one, this time).
The first time he kisses Shannon, he tastes the strawberry of her lipbalm, and a mouth so much softer, a kiss so timid. He smiles after it, trying to hide the truth in his gaze.
Because his heart moves and jumps, but it's not like before. Never is.
He doesn't understand after a few years have passed. Because he loves Shannon. He loves looking at her, she’s kind, she fills the silences with funny and soft words and sweet nothings and Eddie loves that. He smiles sincerely, always chasing another look at her beautiful blue eyes. He loves her.
Maybe it's not the same feeling, but it's okay, and it's enough. And then, Shannon dies.
Maybe that kind of love is not for him. Maybe he is undeserving, still.
He doesn't feel that kind of golden again. Some other kinds, he does. There's one time the happiness that engulfs him is way too grand, so much that it's bigger than that first feeling ever was. When he lifts up Christopher in his arms for the first time, so much fear entangled with so much love.
Way before the first time he has his son, he ends up forgetting how his fake first kiss felt.
_______________
Present day
Eddie shakes his head, taking another sip of beer. “Haha, don't be mean. You are kidding”. His laugh is ironic but Buck isn't laughing, the look on his face is still puzzled, not at all looking like he was making fun of him.
“Eddie, I'm telling you! I'm not!” Buck puts his hands in his head with realization. “Maddie got tired of hearing me talking about you for like, a whole week. So I never mentioned it again”.
“C'mon, Buck. How could we haven’t figured it out already?”
“I… I never made the connection. It was such a long time ago, I don't know if it came to my mind, really”.
Eddie can make sense of that because he hasn't thought about that day in years. The pieces all start to fall and puzzle together as he needs to be sure.
“Okay, if it's true. Tell me something I didn't tell you about that day”.
Buck sinks into the couch thinking and sits straighter when he remembers. The sudden movement makes Eddie look at him seemingly like Knight, now that he's thinking about it. “You had a black bracelet and! And-” he stammers, apparently too excited to prove himself, pointing a finger to Eddie's face. “And it looked like you painted your nails! Black. Like they looked like you removed it already, of course, but there were some smears. I remember because I have never seen a kid, you know, a boy with painted nails”.
Eddie tries to keep his mind into reality gripping his beer bottle, feeling the sweet cold. Buck is right.
“Yes I… I did. I didn't remember that”. He chokes a laugh but the memory isn't as good as the other. At least not at the end. “My sister was playing and she asked me to paint my nails. I only let her because it was black, thought it wasn't so feminine". He sighs. “My dad was angry”.
Eddie shivers with the flashing images, a door slammed, his sister crying, thinking that the way their dad gripped Eddie strongly was her fault, the long set of words his dad screamed, wanting to put some sense into him. The disappointed look his mom directed to him was what hurt him the most. What made him cry when he was alone at night, before going to sleep.
“I thought it was cool”. Buck smiles with sympathy. Even when Eddie didn't tell him the details, he knows he understands.
Eddie clicks his tongue that itches with the last sip he gives to his beer, leaving the empty bottle on the table.
“It makes sense. That you are him. The constant yapping, the way he couldn't sit still for more than one second, how he was all sad about that poor bird. You've always been a sap”.
Buck chuckles and hits Eddie on the shoulder jokingly. “You lied! You told me the bird was gonna be fine, you totally knew”.
“You were all teary-eyed, what was I supposed to do?” After every second and every word, Eddie moves an inch on the couch. He doesn't realise he's doing it until he finds out he can crash his knee into Buck's knee, which he does when he notices something important, locking Buck's gaze. “Your birthmark! I'm dumb! I thought you had a scratch”.
Buck squints only one eye and his tone pitches, a gesture that Eddie always finds endearing. “Technically, I had. I jumped out of the moving car the day before that”.
“You did what?! Why?”
“Things I used to do. Probably wanting my mom or dad to listen to me”. Buck shrugs, like it's nothing but Eddie wants to hug him right there on the spot. Buck's face doesn't change, but his voice sounds lower. “You did. You listened to me. And you told me you liked hearing me talk”.
Eddie snorts by the way Buck looks at him, all sheepish smiles and piercing eyes. He needs another beer soon, before he does something crazy. “I did. I do”.
He ducks his head with the sudden desire of escaping from Buck's gaze, the warmth that comes from his eyes being too threatening. Understanding that Knight, that stranger, that child was no other than Buck was making his insides crumble. It made so much sense how so many moments of his late-teenage years were full of him, of the memories he gripped close to his heart until it became too unbearable, until he had to force himself to forget.
The stability he managed to form around Knight or now, Buck, wasn't stable at all. It was always like a house of cards. Weak and wobbly, everything could fall apart only by the mere sight of it, by breathing too close or too hard.
It's about to fall apart right now as Eddie realises, and finds out that he wants to break apart that apparent stability, not real, only hiding his true feelings.
The thing is, there is a reason why Eddie opened his heart by that embarrassing story tonight, not only because Buck was talking about first experiences. Because he's been thinking about it ever since he arrived to El Paso, every time he took a step at that park near his parent’s house or every time he drove on that road and he knew if he turned right instead of left, he would end up in that lake again.
Thinking about how he needed to lie about his first kiss. Hide it with shame. Convince himself that it didn't mean anything. Act like it never happened.
But the questions were too much. Tugging his first kiss aside, he didn't understand how bad he missed Buck when they were apart. How he was the first he wanted to call when everything turned out wrong. How desperate he was to come back to LA with his son, to his own life, to his own house, his own friends, his own job. And to Buck.
It didn't click, not before tonight.
He replays those sad and fearful and bright moments the days after he kissed Knight. The unstoppable tears, gripping strongly the bathroom sink, the only place where he could hide how dirty he felt, a sinner, a disappointment. He couldn't have that. He couldn't want that.
He remembers that nice, grumpy, confused, child Eddie talking to himself in the mirror, unable to sleep, a soft mantra he hoped he could believe: I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay. It's wrong. I can't.
If he could go back in time and hug that poor child, tell him how proud he is of him, assure him everything is fine, telling him he's gay and there's nothing wrong with that. That he doesn't have to break apart to deserve that kind of string in his heart. To remember how it feels when it's right.
It feels like that fluffy golden that glows and shimmers in front of him, that wraps around his chest, when he looks at Buck and feels the scrape of his fingers in his leg. That's when it makes sense.
It makes sense every time Buck calls or finds him in a room, a relieved smile after finding his eyes. And every time he touches Buck (shoulder, neck, back, whatever makes sense) not because of some reason but because he wants to. And, lately, when he watches Buck and Chris from a distance, softly giggling, taking turns to make fun of each other as he wonders since when they look so much alike, all muffled long curls and kind eyes and big hearts. The joyous smirk that he's unable to stop when he notices it more than once.
It makes sense now when he finds himself searching for a good excuse to ask him to kiss him, for the second time in his life.
“Do you want me to grab you another beer?” Buck almost gets up from the couch but Eddie is faster. He touches him in his forearm to stop him and Buck keeps still.
“You- you lied to me?”
“What do you mean?”
“You said Knight lied. You, I mean”. He chuckles, finding his words a tad ridiculous. “That you never kissed anyone before that”.
“Oh”. Buck purses his lips and that catches Eddie’s gaze, when they return to their normal shape he notices they are a bit wet. He has to go back to look at Buck's eyes but the tiny smirk he tugs reveals he saw him looking at his mouth. “Y-yes. I lied. You were- my first too”.
“Why would you lie?”
“I guess I wanted to look cool, I don't know”.
“A bit late for that. I already thought you were cool”.
Buck chuckles, still with a nervous tone. “I guess I wanted to see where it'd go. If we talked about kissing someone”.
Eddie opens his mouth, touching his chest dramatically, teasing. “You lured me in!”
“Shut up! You begged me”.
Eddie hits his shoulder another time, but now he doesn't try to stop the proximity between them. His hand lingers, fingers pressed into Buck's crook of the neck, near his pulse point, and he watches with excitement confirming his heart is going as fast as his. “I didn't beg!”
“Don’t act dumb. What was all that ‘can you teach me’ then?”
“You're right. I shouldn't have done it. Because you sucked. You couldn't teach anyone”.
“Don't be rude”, Buck hits Eddie's thigh softly and his hand stays there too. Warmth piercing through Eddie's jeans when he sprays his palm there, a bit of something in Buck's glistening eyes and in the remains of his smile in his pink lips. “Look, as far as I know, you ended up having a child with that same girl you wanted to practice for. So, I’d say it was a success”.
“I lied too”. Eddie purposefully shows his eyes bigger, trying unsubtly to show the full spectrum of his intentions. By the way Buck swallows his saliva, struggling, it appears he knows where this is going.
“With what?” Buck runs his thumb to Eddie's inner thigh in soothing movements. Eddie doesn't know how much patience he has left.
“I didn't wanna practice. I- You encouraged me to ask for something I was scared of”.
“Eddie…”
Eddie moves his hand to press Buck's side of his neck, his fingers only grazing his nape. He senses Buck's chest bouncing rapidly, uneased.
“I was scared because I wanted to kiss you”. Buck looks dazed, as what he hears and sees in Eddie is an unreachable fantasy, a dream. “It was your fault, though”. He teases. “You talked about kissing someone and something ignited in me”.
Buck huffs, seemingly recovering a bit of consciousness. “You asked me for a favor, I did it. End of story”.
“Was it, Buck?” Eddie's question lingers, drifting between them like the leaves that fell into the lake where he first found those glassy, sad eyes and felt all his heartstrings dancing.
He doesn't know if Buck wants to confirm his own doubts or is just too nervous to try to read his mind, but he knows they are thinking of the same outcome.
“Eddie”, Buck whispers, possibly afraid of everything —their friendship, their dynamic, their family, their hearts, their safe places- falling apart. “Was it what?”
“Was it the end of the story?”
The silence stretches just a few seconds and it's Buck's turn to look at Eddie's lips now. Unabashedly, there's a glint in his eyes that makes Eddie feel consumed.
“Do you- you really want to?” Buck, maybe unnoticing, mirrors the cautious question the same way he asked all those years ago and Eddie is able to see it all.
How dumb could he be to not notice sooner that every search of love was in vain? That there he was, placing that hope on some strangers when it was all unnecessary? How he didn't know that it was something impossible to force? Not after meeting Buck for the second time, for real, and giving him his friendship, his safety, his heart, his son.
“If you want it too”. It's a bit of a lie, because he's eager to kiss Buck even if he doesn't want him back. Not the signals he's giving to him, but he (dramatically) would drop dead in the spot. “But, Buck… you have to close your eyes”.
Eddie erases Buck's smile when he leans in to kiss him. His fingers find a home in a soft spot of Buck's nape, caressing softly the short curls that are there. Buck shudders, moving his free hand to Eddie's back, angling him to tug him closer and Eddie feels it, finally. He delights on the sudden flutter inside his chest, on the turn of his stomach, on the feeling of Buck's marked skin and his strong scent and his soft lips that open with a sigh and a half-smile, welcoming him to deepen the kiss.
Eddie feels Buck's hands travelling upwards, all the way into his back to grab his head, to thread his fingers in there, to muffle his hair turning it into a mess. Eddie doesn't keep still as well, his hands finding Buck's arms and leaving soft brushes in there, something that reminds him too of his first kiss when he stabilized himself in the thin arm of a stranger. He feels Buck's goosebumps below his long fingers and relishes in the thought of how impossible it is to be a stranger to him now, how unlikely it is for them to be unknown in any kind of future. This is forever, always going to be, even when his 14-year-old-version never had the chance to know that.
When he pulls away from him, Buck looks at him gaining his normal breath back. He shines as much as Knight did that summer afternoon. It is nighttime at the moment, although Eddie knows Buck's gaze feels like that sunset so many years ago, so far away from where they are, so much distance from who they were and who they are now.
In both of their roads, so much searching, so much need to belong, so much loving and so much loss.
Between them, tears, fears, fights, silence. And hugs, laughs, words of encouragement, pats in the back, gifts, nights helping Chris with glittery or weird school projects, mornings sharing coffee, snugglies naps on Eddie's couch, Buck moving confidently in his kitchen, trying a new sweet recipe that Eddie's gonna eat any way or another.
None of them wants anything to change. But nothing needs to change.
Something, maybe. But the shift wouldn't be too much.
“So-”, Buck talks again, a teasing smile that seems so familiar, so right. “Good guy, that kid Knight really taught you well”.
Eddie smiles too, showing all of his teeth, comfortably aware of how enamoored he must look right now, totally locked in on knowing if Buck feels the same. “Buck”.
“Mhm?”
“I'm in love with you”.
Buck's mouth opens in a surprised shape and Eddie can't help it to take. To grab Buck by his shirt and kiss him strongly. To spray his hands on his chest and feel his heartbeat go unhinged. To try to assure him that he means it, over and over, with each intent to deepen the kiss even more.
There is the young rush, the wash of adrenaline, the lightbulb turning on. There's more, of course. Because the first kiss was childish and cute and new. And with someone he couldn't even name for real. But he can right now and it's the most important person in the world after his kid.
The fluttering in his guts it's not a soft lightbulb anymore. There's fireworks. It's weird how much he can feel and can imagine when that pleasant coalition of bodies is much more than that, it's a heart that goes crazy and a brain that goes numb and hands that move frantically and lips that can't get enough.
Buck opens the distance between them this time but his right hand moves back to Eddie's thigh, maybe he has a favorite spot already.
“Eddie, are you- sure?”
“Don't, Buck. Please. I… I need you to know that I’ve been looking for you my whole life. It was right in front of me all along, you were. I know it now. I don't think it's too late, do you?”.
“I'm in love with you too”, he blurts out. Eddie squints his eyes when a strand of hair appears in his gaze, but before he can react, Buck is moving it with his fingers, with care. “I love you”.
Eddie is about to burst out of happiness, if it were possible. He can't help but give him another soft short kiss, and shit, he's going to be an addict too soon. The thought makes him laugh and Buck follows, even if he doesn't get it.
The room is filled with gold and nothing comes from the artificial lights. Eddie has fallen so deep and unprotected, and he's not scared. Not even a little.
He knows he's not gonna drown. In the slight chance of him doing it, Buck is gonna have his back. He's not gonna let him drown.
“Let me- let me grab another beer”. Buck says and Eddie purses his lips, nodding.
When Buck gets up from the couch, Eddie feels the emptiness like an arrow.
He follows Buck to the kitchen, as hypnotized.
“Did you need anything else?” Buck asks and his feet can't stop moving, twirling to reach the fridge. So jittery, as always, Eddie thinks and his eyes shine in the darkness with endearment, only the fridge light lining their shapes.
Buck turns around with two bottles in his hands and Eddie doesn't wait a second to wrap his arms around his waist.
Buck looks puzzled and cocky at the same time. Eddie is about to demonstrate how clingy he can get when he's in love. He kisses Buck jaw and looks him straight into his eyes.
“You”, he nods. “I need you”.