Chapter Text
Arthur has never seen Merlin happier. He still has to hide his magic around almost everyone, but he told Arthur that hiding it from him had been the worst part. He’s entrusted Guinevere with his secret, too, and now when it’s just them or Gaius, he can practice magic freely. It makes his eyes shine figuratively as well as literally and he just seems so happy and excited like a little kid. Arthur can help him in coming up with excuses and, most important of all, Merlin can actually come to him with his problems. With both his secrets out of the way, Merlin is like a new man. A happy, smart, confident, wise, and sometimes oddly adorable man - though Arthur would never tell him that, he’d never hear the end of it. But he finds he quite likes this new, free version of his manservant that makes his heart flutter and his hands ache to reach out to him.
They’ve been spending even more time together as a natural result of needing to discuss whatever magical issue plagues Camelot and Arthur wanting to simply be with Merlin of late. Merlin seems absolutely delighted at the development, more gently poking fun at Arthur and eagerly agreeing when asked to stay a little longer. Arthur notes that hardly ever more than an hour goes by without seeing Merlin’s smile. He suspects that the reverse is true as well. Sometimes it’s almost easy to forget that Merlin still has to live in fear from Arthur’s father, who they both agreed could never know about his magic. Merlin says that it’s fine and he’s used to it, but Arthur’s still glad he and Guinevere can at least help him now - as seems Gaius.
They’re searching for a little magical flower to cure Merlin’s favourite horse from some kind of illness when said servant wanders off. Arthur doesn’t worry too much; Merlin’s more than capable of taking care of himself, as he knows now. That is, he doesn’t worry too much until he finds Merlin lying on a sunny field, apparently unconscious.
“Merlin!” he yells, immediately kneeling at his side and cradling his head and checking his pulse. Merlin’s eyes snap open and he pushes his head further into Arthur’s hand.
“I think I did something stupid,” he confesses.
“Well, that’s a surprise. What is it now?” As annoying as it is, it’s also kind of nice that Merlin still has his idiot moments. It’s one of the things that endeared Merlin to him in the first place. At the moment, though, it’s mostly just annoying.
“You know the flower we were looking for?” Arthur nods. “I found it.”
“How did you mess that up?”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to smell it.” Merlin says ominously as he looks at his feet.
Arthur sighs. “What happened?”
“Well, I smelled it-”
“I figured that out.”
“-and then I got this sort of antsy feeling all over. It wasn’t so bad for a while so I just ignored it but eventually I got a very unpleasant headache and, well, here I am now.”
Arthur sighs again. “Right. Well, let’s take the flower - without smelling it again - and get you to Gaius.”
Merlin nods, sitting up and rubbing his head. Arthur feels a little bad for him but honestly, it’s his own fault. Not coming into more contact than necessary with unknown plants seems like a very basic survival skill that Merlin, a physician’s apprentice to boot, should have by now. With one last glance towards him he gets both their horses and readies them to ride out again because he can actually do that, thank you very much.
Only to turn to Merlin standing about a foot behind him. He doesn’t even deign to speak, just raises an eyebrow. Merlin’s hand hovers above his arm and he bites his lip, as if he’s thinking very deeply, and then touches his arm.
“What are you doing.”
“Figuring out what exactly that flower did.”
“Well?”
Merlin doesn’t look him in the eye. “I think the, you know, antsiness and fainting, I think that’s caused by… being away from you. I think whatever I inhaled makes me need to be in close proximity to you. See, I woke up when you touched me and then when you went away the feeling returned and now it’s gone again.”
Arthur stares at him. Merlin just shuffles on his feet, still holding onto Arthur’s arm.
“So you’re probably right, we probably should get to Gaius, if anyone has a cure it’ll be him,” Merlin tacks on when Arthur doesn’t speak.
Arthur nods. “I suppose we’ll… we’ll have to hold hands as we ride. An unconscious manservant is of no use.”
“Alright,” Merlin says, but he sounds hesitant. Still, it’s hard to argue with the promise of literally fainting if he doesn’t touch Arthur in some way and while riding one-handed isn’t ideal, it seems like the best option.
The ride back is slow because their horses have to be right next to each other at all times for them to be able to hold hands, and also Merlin’s hand gets very sweaty and it’s annoying but Arthur doesn’t mind as much as he could, but within an hour they’ve arrived back at the castle.
“Obviously, no one can know about this,” Arthur says as they stand before the gates.
“Yeah,” Merlin says, a little wistfully. Arthur knows how he wishes he could just be open about his magic all the time and he truly does feel for him, but as long as his father is king, that’s just not going to happen. So they really do have to hide what’s going on, because if not people will start asking questions and then they might just uncover the truth. To be fair, the chances of that being successful are fairly slim and if they really need to they could claim to be courting, but Arthur would rather not risk it and he knows the same thing goes for Merlin.
“So how are we going to do this? How long can you go without touching me?”
“I think it helps to still be close to you, even if we’re not touching. Maybe fifteen minutes?”
“That’s not a lot.”
“No.”
“Alright, we’ll just head straight to Gaius’ chambers and figure out what to do from there.”
Merlin nods and they make a beeline for Gaius’ chambers, Merlin hovering slightly uncomfortably around Arthur all the time.
“Ah, you’re back,” Gaius says as they enter. “What took you so long?”
Merlin looks at Arthur pleadingly and Arthur looks at Merlin imploringly and Merlin glares at him. “I may have smelled the flower and now I lose consciousness if I’m not touching Arthur for longer than probably about fifteen minutes.”
Gaius sighs. “Well, that’s not good.”
“No, it isn’t,” Arthur says, “so how do we solve it?”
“I don’t know, I only know the flower for its medicinal applications to horses. I’ll see if I can find any side effects from its pollen on humans, but there’s no telling how long that’ll take. It’s very rare and only ever used on animals, so there are very few records of it.”
“That’s just lovely,” Arthur says. Merlin at least has the decency to look guilty. “And you can’t just magic it away?”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
Arthur briefly massages his forehead. “Right. Until Gaius finds the solution to this, we’ll stay in my room so that no one catches wind of this. We’ll say I’m sick and not able to attend meetings and such until Gaius finds a cure and you’re tending to me.”
Merlin nods. “Sounds like a plan.”
“That’s because I’m a decent strategist. Unlike you, who goes sniffing at whatever comes your way.”
“That’s fair, I deserved that. But also I’m feeling awful so-” And then he grabs Arthur’s hand and squeezes and plays with his fingers a little and Arthur all but explodes interally, Gaius reacting with only a raised eyebrow.
Arthur endures it for a few minutes before Merlin nods again and drops his hand. “Let’s go.”
-
Strangely, when he gets used to it, this new situation isn’t actually all that terrible. In the privacy of Arthur’s locked chambers they don’t have to worry about anyone seeing them and drawing conclusions, or worse, finding out about Merlin’s magic, so most of the time they’re just holding hands and apart from that behaving as they usually do. Merlin claims that he can’t possibly do his chores with his current affliction. Arthur says that sure he can, he’ll just have to use magic.
Evening comes quickly and Merlin dresses Arthur in his nightclothes as usual. Normally he would blow out the candles and leave now, but instead he remains standing in the doorway.
“What now?” he asks. “I mean, I can just go to my room and eventually I’ll faint so I guess I’ll kind of be sleeping, but you’re going to have to wake up all by yourself and then come to my room to wake me up and then people will see you out and about, or I’ll have to be carried to your room and that’s not going to work either and that’s assuming I’ll even be able to wake up after being magically unconscious for so long-”
“Just - stay here, Merlin,” Arthur says. “You know where my old clothes are, you can change into some of them and then join me.”
“You sure? I mean, maybe there’s a workaround-”
“Don’t be an idiot. I’m going to go to bed, I expect you to do the same.”
Merlin looks like he wants to argue further but then he goes to Arthur’s closet and Arthur settles in in bed. It suddenly hits him just what he just said; they’re about to sleep in the same bed, probably while having to touch each other. Holding hands probably won’t suffice to ensure they touch all night. They’re going to have to cuddle. It really shouldn’t make Arthur’s heart beat so fast, they’ve hugged several times now and were touching each other practically all day, but still the idea of lying in bed and holding Merlin does things to him that he doesn’t understand.
Merlin slides in bed next to him and makes himself comfortable. Arthur internally curses the dimwit. “Get over here,” he mutters as he pulls Merlin towards him and tries very hard not to think about it. Merlin tenses at first but then relaxes, hopefully seeing the necessity of the situation.
It’s kind of nice, actually, Merlin’s head is resting against his chest, Arthur’s chin touching his hair. Merlin very slowly puts an arm over Arthur’s waist and it all seems so intimate and Arthur feels a little dizzy. What is happening to him?
He tries to go to sleep but does not succeed. How can he, when if he turns his head he’ll be able to smell Merlin’s soft hair and he has to wrestle down the urge to cradle Merlin even closer? He doesn’t know how long they’re just lying there when Arthur suddenly feels a wetness on his chest.
He pulls back slightly to look at Merlin, who is apparently crying silently. “What’s wrong?” Arthur asks, thinking back to Merlin’s reluctance to get in bed with him. “Are you that opposed to this?”
Merlin shakes his head, inscrutably. Arthur should’ve known that he still hadn’t figured the man out. He probably never will. It’s kind of enticing, honestly.
“No,” Merlin says, “no, this is wonderful. That’s exactly the problem, actually.”
“What are you talking about?” Arthur asks. Merlin reaches up to wipe his eyes but before he can, Arthur instinctively grabs his hand and wipes away the tears himself. Merlin’s breath hitches.
“I’ve wanted this for years, Arthur. For you to hold me like this, for us to be together. But it’s not real, and I feel like I’m taking advantage of you. I know you don’t want this, it’s my fault.”
His pained voice is a dagger to Arthur’s heart. He knows by now Merlin’s penchant for blaming himself for everything, he should’ve realised what was wrong sooner.
“I’ll admit that smelling that flower was a pretty stupid thing to do, but you didn’t know what was going to happen. It’s not as if you wanted this. And besides, it’s not… the most terrible thing I’ve ever experienced.”
Merlin’s eyes go wide. “Really?”
“Don’t make me repeat it, Merlin.”
A silence falls over them. Merlin settles down against Arthur’s chest again. “I’m still sorry,” he says softly.
“It’s alright. I’m sorry, too, for what it’s worth.”
“What have you got to be sorry for? What have you done this time, you prat?”
“Nothing! It’s just, I know you probably don’t want this to end. And I know you know that it will. So I’m sorry.”
Merlin doesn’t respond, leaving Arthur feeling strangely empty as he falls asleep.
-
The touching each other aside, Merlin acts very normal and upbeat the next morning. A little too normal and upbeat, actually, and a little strange, too. As they eat breakfast, Merlin keeps staring at him. His talking is even more incessant than usual, a nervous waterfall falling from his mouth every five seconds. It’s slowly driving Arthur mad and after the millionth strange look, he snaps.
“What is wrong with you today, Merlin?” Okay, maybe not the greatest way to ask it. Hopefully the gentle squeeze in Merlin’s hand makes up for it.
Merlin uses his free hand to scratch behind his ear nervously, eyes flitting around as if looking for a way out. “Yes, well, you know, the side effects from that pollen? I think it’s gotten worse.”
There’s a sinking feeling in Arthur’s gut. What if Gaius doesn’t find the cure? What if he loses Merlin to this? “Explain,” he simply commands. Merlin looks as if he is waiting for a hole in the ground to appear and swallow him whole.
“I just - holding your hand all the time isn’t enough to scratch the itch anymore, as it were. I think - hnnngh, I think I need to kiss you. But I know that isn’t an option, obviously, it’s just - I feel this pull towards you, this urge to kiss you, more so than usual that is, so it’s got to be because of that damned flower.”
That is a lot to process. But that doesn’t matter now. Merlin is obviously in great discomfort, perhaps even pain. If there’s anything Arthur knows, it’s that that’s unacceptable.
“Alright, kiss me then.”
“What?”
“If you really need to kiss me, then do so.”
“But-”
Arthur levels him with a look that he tries to make as soft as possible, though that’s not his specialty. “It’s fine, Merlin. It’s worse for me to know that you’re hurting than to kiss you, I promise you that.”
Merlin bites his lip. “Well, alright then.”
And then, he’s kissing Arthur. It’s only the softest press of lips to lips and a hand to Arthur’s cheek but it ignites a fire Arthur didn’t know was in him for the brief second Merlin kisses him.
They stare at each other after the kiss, Merlin looking as smitten as ever. Arthur fears he may look much the same.
“I think it’s gone,” Merlin says and Arthur thinks distantly that he should definitely listen to what Merlin has to say right now, but the urge to lean in to kiss him again is overruling all his other thoughts and so he does and he leans in again before suddenly being pushed away.
“Arthur, what are you doing?”
They stare at each other again. The silence is stifling as Arthur realises what just happened. He tried to kiss Merlin for no reason other than wanting to.
At a knock at the door, they jump apart. “Enter,” Arthur says in his most regal voice. It’s Gaius.
“Any news on the cure?”
Gaius nods solemnly. “It’s true love’s kiss, sire.”
“It’s what?” Merlin asks. Arthur shuts him up with a raise of his hand.
“Thank you, Gaius, that’ll be all.” Gaius hesitates for a second before nodding and closing the door behind him.
“True love’s kiss,” Merlin whispers. “Arthur, what-”
“I don’t know! I don’t know.”
“Arthur,” Merlin says with a carefully guarded voice, “why did you try to kiss me again?”
Arthur squeezes his eyes shut. “Because I wanted to. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, it’s just - it was like I was drowning and I didn’t even know I was drowning, and you were a pouch of water.”
“If that’s not a normal thing to say to your platonic friend who you aren’t in love with, I don’t know what is,” Merlin says but it really doesn’t sound like he’s teasing like he probably intends to, it sounds like he’s about to cry. Again.
Arthur opens his eyes. Merlin’s are teary.
“Merlin, I don’t know what this is,” he confesses, feeling a little broken. “I thought- I really thought there was nothing there. But I’ve never been very good with feelings. Maybe I was wrong. How do you know if you’re in love?”
Merlin sits down, his eyes never leaving Arthur’s. He gestures for Arthur to sit down in the chair opposite of him and when he does, he gently takes his hand.
“There is no one way to know. For me, it’s - seeing you is like seeing the sun. Well, depending on how much of a dollophead you’re being.” They both chuckle. Arthur’s more grateful than he can express for Merlin making this situation a little easier for them both.
“When I see you smile, it makes me want to be with you forever so I’ll never have to miss an opportunity to see you smile again. When you’re upset, I feel it keenly and all I want is to make it better. When you do something that’s - that’s so you, like letting a sorcerer child go or choosing to trust me despite all the betrayals you’ve faced, I want nothing more than to hold you and tell you how much I love you. But it’s not a sickness, Arthur, you can’t just take a list of symptoms and determine if you’re in love. If you are, you’ll just… feel it.”
Arthur doesn’t respond, processing what Merlin just told him. He’s pined for so much all these years while never letting Arthur know, being content to simply be his servant and best friend. Arthur pulls him into a hug that Merlin swiftly returns.
“What do you feel, Arthur?” Merlin whispers into his neck. Arthur imagines Merlin’s shining face as he caresses his hair, feels his arms around him. Hears the careful, concealed longing in his voice. It’s suddenly crystal clear to him.
“I love you, too,” he breathes. Merlin lets out a breathless chuckle.
“Really?”
“I think so. I- I really enjoyed holding you last night, Merlin. And I really enjoyed spending the day with you. All the things you described, it’s the same for me. I suppose I just didn’t see it.”
“And you call me the idiot.”
“That’s because you are.”
Merlin laughs, and there’s a very familiar tug at Arthur’s heart. Now that he knows, he doesn’t know how he ever missed it. He loves Merlin.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realise it earlier.”
Merlin caresses his cheek. “That’s alright. I knew what I was getting into when I fell for you.”
“Hey!”
Their third kiss, Merlin tells him later, is exactly how he imagined it. Arthur has never imagined a kiss between them before, but it’s marvellous all the same.