Chapter Text
Janis slammed her locker so hard the metal rattled, the sound echoing through the hallway. “This isn’t gonna work!” she said, her voice sharp.
Damian looked at her with both eyebrows raised — one eyebrow is for skeptics, two eyebrows are for real judgment. He leaned back against the row of lockers, “And what exactly is the context?” he asked.
Janis threw her hands in the air, then stomped her foot in frustration. “What else? Cady!”
A few students walking by glanced at her but kept going.
“Er huh,” Damian said, still confused.
“Ugh.” Janis looked around quickly, then grabbed Damian’s wrist and started pulling him down the hall.
“Hold up—” Damian yelped, stumbling as he tried to keep up. He let himself be dragged until Janis went to a halt and reached the empty gym near the bleachers with no one on sight other than the two of them. Their footsteps echoed on the floor.
Damian huffed and folded his arms. “Next time you better warn me so I know when to clench my butt cheeks,” he muttered,
Janis rolled her eyes. “Your jokes are as lame as ever, stop trying to be Cam.”
Damian placed a hand on his chest and gasped. “Whatever do you mean?”
Janis grabbed his shoulders firmly. “Back to what I was saying.”
“Uhh what were you saying again?” Damian blinked in confusion.
“What—weren’t you paying attention?” Janis shot back, incredulous.
“First of all I’m dyslexic and if by ‘you’ you meant you going all URGH ahh GUH then yes I was paying attention,” he said, voice soaked in sarcasm.
“You mean ADHD?” Janis corrected, eyebrow bouncing.
“Potato potata,” Damian shrugged, because why not.
“You’re not funny,” Janis said flatly, glaring.
“Well I didn’t ask for critici—” he began.
“Ehem. Cady is never gonna help us get our revenge,” Janis cut him off.
Damian tilted his head. “Well she is a little naive chicken,” he remarked,
“Uhuh, well she’s a Plastic now!” Janis said again, louder.
“Ahha. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Damian asked.
“Well yes, and you mean what we wanted,” Janis said.
Damian mumbled under his breath, “I mean yeah sure.”
Janis crossed her arms and waited. Damian held his hands up in surrender. “Anyway, please continue.”
“As I said, Cady won’t help us anymore because she got absorbed into Regina’s little bubble and got converted into someone harmful to the environment!” Janis said quickly.
“So… does this mean the operation is over?”
“Oh for god’s sakes, Damian, of course not—”
“Well, I wouldn’t really know—”
“That is why it’s time for Plan B.”
“We have a Plan B??” Damian asked, stunned.
“Of course we have a Plan B. Not only that, we also have C, D, E, G.” Janis listed the letters that seemed to be the whole alphabet.
“How about Plan F?” Damian suggested.
“Oh — I just didn’t like the letter,” Janis said with absolute disdain.
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Damian nodded
.
.
.
.
They both went quiet for a moment.
.
“Ask me about Plan B,” Janis said.
“Ahem, so what does Plan B entail?” Damian asked.
“Well my friend.. I am so glad you asked—” Janis said, smug.
Janis and Damian were crouched by the grimy windows of the detention room, faces pressed close to the glass.
The hallway was mostly empty, and faint voices could be heard from inside.
So what are we doing here exactly? Sneaking like some little rats and you still didn’t tell me what the plan is,” Damian complained in a whisper, while tugging his collar as though he could collar the breeze.
Janis lifted a single finger. Damian followed her movement with his eyes until she pointed. The finger pointed, slowly, towards someone inside the room
.
“Our plan is him,” she said.
Damian looked through the window. “Rodrick Heffley??” he said loudly, then lowered his voice. “The troublemaker of North Shore High?”
Janis nodded. “The one and only.”
“What, are you gonna make him prank Regina and humiliate her?”
Janis waved him off. “My ambition is not that simple, Damian, tsk tsk tsk.” She leaned closer; her grin was all teeth.
“What I’ll have him do to Regina would be so, so much worse.”
Damian frowned. “What?”
“I’ll have him dump and break Regina’s heart.”
.
.
.
Damian blinked. “Well, that’s ambitious indeed,” he said.
Rodrick was minding his own business, doing the usual. He sat in detention, tapping his pencil on the desk. Normally, he would sneak out, but this time he decided to stay. He told himself he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart. He smirked and nodded to himself.
“Heffley!”
Rodrick looked up. The teacher, Mr. Henderson, stood in front of him. Rodrick secretly called him Sir Tomato because his face always turned red when he was angry.
It was red now.
“You better not be thinking any funny business,” Mr. Henderson said as he walked closer to Rodrick’s desk.
Rodrick could smell Taco Bell on his breath. “No worries, I’m just a behaved little student,” he said. He raised both hands and shook them a little to show he meant no harm, then smiled. “Good job, me,” he muttered quietly.
“Hmph. That’s Mr. Henderson for you. I would wish you would remember, seeing as you are a continuous attendee.”
“Well, you won’t have to see me anymore next year,” Rodrick said.
“That is something to be decided on, depending on your behavior.”
“Uh, what—” Rodrick started, but Mr. Henderson suddenly snapped the book shut on his desk. The sound made a few students jump.
“That’ll be all, students. I’ll be seeing you again next week.”
He glared across the room. “Especially you, Heffley.”
Everyone began packing up. The other students left the room quickly, but Rodrick stayed seated, staring at his desk.
He frowned, replaying what the teacher had said.
It sounded strange.
Then he heard it.
“Psst.”
He looked around.
“Psstt.”
He turned in his seat, getting annoyed. “Hey! Heyyy—”
Two people stood near the door. He squinted. He recognized them but couldn’t remember their names.
“Oh what is it, you—” he stopped himself. “What do you want?” He stood up straight.
The girl cleared her throat and stepped forward. “We have a proposition for you.”
Rodrick tilted his head. “Uh, what now?”
The boy beside her spoke. “Too advanced of a word, Janis.”
The girl, Janis, turned and glared at him. “Shut up.”
Rodrick crossed his arms. “Okay, first of all, I know what an exposition is.”
“It’s proposition,” Janis said.
“Yes, I know what that is,” he replied. “And I don’t want to hear it.”
He waved his hand toward the door. “So if you would mind getting the heck out of my way.”
He started walking, but Janis spoke again.
“What if we help you pass this school year?”
“I will pass, so goodbye—” Rodrick said, continuing toward the door.
“So you don’t know?” Janis asked.
Rodrick stopped. “Don’t know what?”
“The fact that there were talks to not move you up.”
“Uh, say what now?” He looked confused.
“I’m glad you’re paying attention. Didn’t you hear Mr. Henderson?” Janis said.
“I was more distracted by his breath,” Rodrick muttered. “But what are you saying? That they won’t let me—what did you say again?”
“For God’s sakes, they’re gonna make you repeat this year.”
“You’re f***ing bluffing.”
“Am I? Or are you just in denial?” Janis said.
“They can’t do that—”
“But yes, they can. Especially with your behavior and the fact that you’re practically failing your classes.”
Rodrick stared for a moment. “Well, if what you’re saying is true, and you’re here, I’m assuming you want something else to happen.”
“That depends on you,” Janis said.
“How would you even help me?” Rodrick asked.
“We’re in some clubs,” Janis explained. “Ones that could give you extra points. And Damian here can get inside.”
“Uhuh?”
Janis sighed. “I meant that Damian could make it seem like you participated in volunteer or extracurricular work that could give you enough points so you won’t get delayed a year—considering, well,
everything.”
Rodrick tapped his finger on the desk. “Hmm.”
“Think about it. You get all that, and you won’t have to worry anymore,” Janis said.
“What if I’m okay with staying behind?” Rodrick said.
“I wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Heffley would be happy about that,” Janis said.
Rodrick froze. “What the hell? You have my parents’ number?”
Damian’s eyes widened. “Wow, Janis, no way!” he said, then leaned closer to her and whispered, “How did you get it?”
Janis whispered back, “I looked it up in the student records and just swiped it.”
Rodrick glared. “Do you think I’m scared of my parents?”
“Maybe not,” Janis said. “But they still have power.”
She took out her phone and showed a picture of Rodrick’s drums.
Rodrick gasped.
Then she showed another photo—his parents holding a hammer.
He gasped again.
Then a third photo: a photoshopped image of his little brother Greg eating chips next to the drums.
He gasped louder.
“So you see the consequences that could happen?” Janis asked.
Rodrick looked from the phone to her. “What on earth do you want in exchange?”
Janis smiled and said, “It’s simple… really simple. Hehehehehe.”
Rodrick turned to Damian. “Uhhh, is she okay?”
“Don’t worry,” Damian said before Janis could answer. “She does that sometimes.”
“So let me get this straight,” Rodrick started. “You want me… me to romance the blondie?”
“Yes, and we are talking about the blondie in the center, okay,” Janis said.
“I know who Regina George is,” Rodrick said. “And I, in particular, cannot stand her ass—both in attitude and body.”
“She has a flat ass though,” Damian said.
“That’s because you haven’t seen her wearing jeans,” Rodrick said.
“Okay, okay, stop with all that, and the question is—are you accepting the deal?” Janis asked, cutting them off.
“This seems way above my pay grade,” Rodrick said.
“Ugh,” Janis groaned.
“But I’ll do it if you guys do my homework,” Rodrick added.
“What? No! Are you kidding?” Janis said.
“Oh well, that’s fine then. You guys can just find another guy for Regina George to fall in love with—” Rodrick started walking toward the door.
“Okay, stop! We’ll do it, but only for a week,” Janis said quickly.
“Then my services are just for a week,” Rodrick said, turning back around.
“Okay, a month,” Janis said. “But only for two classes of your choice.”
Rodrick smirked and crossed his arms. “Mhmm. Well… then let’s shake it up, partners. We have a deal!”
He held out his hand. Janis hesitated, then shook it. Damian sighed and rubbed his forehead.
“Why do I feel we’re getting the short end of the stick?” Damian whispered to Janis.
“Shut it,” Janis said quietly.
Rodrick pulled his hand back. “Soo… how do we start?” he asked.
Janis and Damian looked at each other, then both smiled.
“Though you have to tell me too, because I don’t know,” Damian said while still smiling.
Janis frowned and let out a sigh. “Why am I friends with you?”
“Because I’m the only one that tolerates your cynical ass,” Damian replied.
Rodrick watched them argue. He rolled his eyes, grabbed his bag, and leaned on the nearest desk. “You two done? Because I got detention again tomorrow, and apparently, I’m now about to be Regina’s lover if things go well”
Janis crossed her arms. “Then get ready. Because tomorrow, we start.”
The next day at lunch, Rodrick sat at a table with his feet up, eating fries that Damian bought him.
“So,” Janis started, sitting across from him, “here’s how it’s gonna go. Regina and Aaron just broke up, which means this is the perfect time.”
Rodrick looked up. “Perfect time for what?”
“For you to make her fall for you,” Janis said flatly.
He blinked once. “Huh. Okay then.”
Damian frowned. “Wait, that’s it? That’s the plan?”
“For now, yeah,” Janis said. “There’s a Halloween party this Friday. She’ll be there. You’ll be there. We’ll make sure you two talk.”
Rodrick leaned back. “Sounds easy enough.”
Damian looked uncertain. “Why him though? No offense, but why Rodrick?”
Janis said, “Because he’s the opposite of everything Regina’s ever dated. He’s messy, loud, rude—”
“Hey,” Rodrick interrupted. “Still here, by the way.”
“—and that’s exactly why it’ll work,” Janis continued. “Regina’s surrounded by people who worship her. Someone like him will throw her off.”
Damian raised a brow. “And that’s good?”
“Yes,” Janis said. “Opposites attract. It’s psychology or whatever.”
Rodrick smirked. “So I just show up, act like myself, and she falls in love? Easy.”
Janis looked annoyed. “Not exactly. You have to be a little flirty.”
“Flirty?” Rodrick repeated. “You mean… say dumb stuff like ‘nice hair’?”
“More like teasing,” Janis said. “Make it playful. Like you’re giving her attention but not too much.”
Rodrick gave her a blank stare. “So confuse her.”
“Basically,” Janis replied.
“Got it.” He grabbed another fry and pointed it at her. “By the way, I’m gonna need another burger later. You guys are paying.”
Damian groaned. “Why are we doing this again?”
Janis said. “Because we want Regina down.”
Rodrick grinned. “And I’m hungry. Perfect combo.”
Regina sat on her bed with her laptop open, pretending to study but mostly scrolling through Instagram. Her feed was full of people talking about the Halloween party. Of course, hers was the party everyone wanted to go to.
Aaron hadn’t texted since they broke up last week. She told everyone it was mutual. It wasn’t, but no one needed to know that. It wasn’t like she missed him. It was just weird not having him around. People kept asking if they were getting back together, and she told them maybe. That kept everyone guessing, which was how she liked it. He’d come back eventually. They always did.
She checked the group chat. Gretchen was overexplaining something again, and Karen was sending random selfies. Cady sent a “can’t wait for Friday!!” message, followed by an emoji that was too enthusiastic, but Regina let it slide. Cady was still new. She was cute when she tried.
Regina leaned back and sighed. Everything was fine. She had the best costume planned, she had her group, she still ran the school. Things just felt… quiet. Maybe too quiet.
Her phone buzzed again. Some random message about new people being invited to the party. She scrolled until a name stood out.
“Rodrick Heffley.”
Rodrick Heffley. She knew who he was. Everyone did. The drummer from that dumb garage band. Always getting detention, always late, always doing something stupid. He was loud, careless, and completely out of control.
Regina rolled her eyes. “Who even invited him?” she muttered.
The last time she saw him was a few months ago when he almost knocked her drink over at the cafeteria after being chased by a teacher. He didn’t even apologize, just laughed and kept walking. She swore she’d never talk to him again after that.
Now, apparently, he was going to her party.
She sat back, annoyed. “If he tries anything stupid again, he’s out.”
Still, she didn’t delete the message. She just stared at his name for a few seconds before switching back to the group chat.
Karen was asking what time they were getting ready, and Gretchen was panicking about matching outfits.
Regina typed back, “Be at my house by six.”
Then she put her phone down and crossed her arms. Everything was still under control. It always was.