Chapter Text
The memories from the last six years began to return little by little.
Not all of them, and even the ones that did had gaps and were missing details in many cases, but he was able to remember important events such as the Flag Smashers, taking up the mantle of Captain America, and some missions or situations, both personal and professional, in which the emotions had been intense. Bucky was also able to start telling him more about the people he had met during that time, and Sam always wanted to know more, although Bucky, much to Sam’s annoyance, made sure not to overwhelm him with too much information and instead gave it to him in small doses.
Of course, Captain America knew what had to be done, but he wanted to know more, he wanted to know everything, and he was impatient to uncover the things he had forgotten.
Aside from the strongest memories, the first ones to come back to his mind were the oldest. This surprised Bucky, as he had thought the recent ones would return first, since having happened not long ago, they should have been easier to access. However, the doctors explained that this was normal, as older memories are more deeply rooted in the brain. They also explained that the brain is like an onion, as if it were made up of layers, and that the layer of recent memories is the first one, the outermost, so it is the first to be lost. That is why people with Alzheimer’s or other types of dementia are able to remember things they lived through in their youth, but not, for example, their grandchildren. With that explanation, Bucky understood everything much better.
Sam was very grateful to have a psychologist he could talk to about all of this, someone who helped him manage all the emotions that came both with the memories and with their absence.
He was glad to start getting his memories back, both of them were, but it was not an easy process. Sometimes it was wonderful and amazing and joyful, but other times it was confusing, painful, and frustrating. Sometimes Sam discovered things that saddened him or made him very angry, but they were things that had happened a long time ago and had already been resolved, so he saw no point in being angry about them. Still, the feeling remained, and Sam felt helpless, not knowing what to do with it, so therapy helped a great deal, as did Bucky’s patience and support.
The worst memory arrived in the form of a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. Sam dreamed that Torres, whom he still didn’t fully remember, but of whom he already had several memories, was hit by something that exploded and fell. The images of the young man, whose face he couldn’t see but knew it was him, mixed with those of Riley and Rhodey, but above all they were Riley’s and Torres’s.
The more he tried to reach them, to reach him, regardless of which face he had, the farther away they got, and no matter how much Sam tried to move, he was unable to do so. He could only scream helplessly.
Then he heard a soft, calm voice calling him. Bucky’s voice slipped into his dream.
“Sam, Sam, sweetheart, wake up. Sam, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up, please.”
Bucky gently touched his hand and Sam opened his eyes with a start. He felt the tightness in his chest that barely let him breathe, the lack of air that was suffocating him. He was sweating, and tears were running down his cheeks.
He knew he had to calm down, but he couldn’t.
“Sam, sweetheart, it’s me, Bucky. You’re here with me. Everything’s okay, it was just a nightmare, but you’re safe, I promise.”
Sam didn’t tell him that he was safe, but the others weren’t. Riley, Rhodey, and possibly Torres had fallen before his eyes, and Sam hadn’t done anything to save them. He hadn’t been able to do anything. His breathing became more and more labored.
“Hey, Sam,” Bucky said, tracing circles with his thumb on the back of Sam’s hand. “You’re here with me, you’re safe. This is a safe space. Can you breathe for me, please?”
Sam nodded as more tears fell down his cheeks. Bucky began to breathe softly, encouraging Sam to imitate him, which Sam did, feeling grateful once again that Bucky was there for him.
They breathed for a few minutes until Sam’s breathing evened out and his heartbeat slowed, while Bucky’s thumb continued tracing circles, keeping him grounded.
“Good job, Sam. You did great.”
Bucky pulled his hand away from Sam’s and moved as if he were going to leave. Sam grabbed his hand.
“Don’t go, please, don’t leave me.” Tears filled Sam’s eyes again, and Bucky hugged him while Sam clung to him tightly.
“Easy, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to get you some water, okay?”
Sam nodded but didn’t let go, and Bucky held him in his arms for as long as he needed. When Sam, calmer now, pulled away, Bucky filled a glass with water and handed it to him. Sam drank a little, but his throat was too raw, swallowing was difficult, so he just took a small sip and set it aside.
“Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Can you hold me again?”
“Of course.”
Bucky got into the bed, which was damp with sweat, but he didn’t care. He let Sam curl up against him and wrapped his arms around him, keeping him safe. Bucky stroked Sam’s hair, neck, and back while whispering soft, calming words in his ear and continuing to breathe slowly and steadily, doing his best to pass that sense of calm on to Sam.
“Torres fell,” Sam said between sobs after a while of being held by Bucky. “And then it wasn’t just Torres, it was Riley and Rhodey too, and I couldn’t save any of them.”
“Sam, I know it’s horrible to relive that, especially what happened with Riley, and I don’t want to minimize it, but I think it’s important that I remind you that Rhodey and Torres are fine.”
“Torres fell?” Sam asked in a faint voice. He felt Bucky, who was still holding him tightly, nod against him, and felt the panic start to take hold. “What happened to him? Is he okay?” he managed to ask.
“He’s okay, sweetheart, he’s completely safe. You’ve seen him in some photos, remember?”
And the tension eased a little from Sam’s shoulders when he learned that Torres was okay. That he hadn’t lost another teammate who was meant to fly high, only to instead fall to a horrible death.
“Yes, I remember. How did it happen?”
“You were on a mission. It was his decision. He was very brave, maybe a bit reckless, but he did what he thought was right.”
Bucky kissed his hair. “You know you would have done the same in his place.”
And yes, Sam knew that, but he hated that Torres had put himself in danger.
“Why didn’t I do it?”
“You wouldn’t have made it in time, but Torres saved the situation and made it possible for you to do your part and finish the mission successfully. You both did a great job. You’re a great team.”
Sam smiled at that, but there was still something bothering him.
“What happened to Torres?”
“He had to go into surgery, but he’s a really strong kid and he recovered very well. You might not remember it all, but you’re very proud of him, and he admires you a lot.”
“I don’t remember it all, but I know I am.”
They fell into a comfortable silence, which Bucky broke after a moment.
“Hey, I know it’s 3 a.m., but do you think a shower might help you feel better?”
“A nice way of saying I stink,” Sam replied, because that’s what Sam did, he would show Bucky his most vulnerable side, take refuge in him for a moment, and then return to his playful self.
“Ugh, yeah, it’s unbearable to be anywhere near you,” Bucky said, hugging him tighter to make it clear he was lying.
Sam smiled.
“On the other hand, I’m very comfortable next to you, but yeah, I’ll take that shower.”
Bucky stood up then.
“Wait, I’ll ask for a change of clothes for you.”
He called on the intercom, apologizing for the hour and requesting a gown for Sam, clean sheets, a mattress protector, and clean pillows, and told them to leave everything on the chair, that he would take care of changing them. He went back to Sam and helped him get to the bathroom, not because Sam couldn’t physically, but because he was afraid that at any moment he might fall apart, although fortunately he seemed to be much better.
Once in the bathroom, he turned on the water to the ideal temperature and tested it before helping Sam, who had already undressed, step in, making sure to keep his eyes up at all times.
“You know, since you’re here, you could shower with me,” Sam said, because he was an idiot who enjoyed making Bucky nervous.
“Shut up, Wilson. You don’t want the poor nurse who brings the clean clothes to realize we’re in the shower together.”
“Have you considered that maybe I don’t care?”
Bucky shook his head, amused.
“Stop tempting me, Samuel.”
“Am I tempting?”
“Very much so, thanks for catching up. Let me know if you need anything.”
He left the bathroom just as the night-shift nurse came in.
“Is Mr. Wilson alright?”
“Yes, he just woke up soaked in sweat, that’s why we need a change of bedding and his gown.”
She offered to help change everything, but Bucky politely declined and apologized again for calling at that hour, though she brushed it off.
He put on the clean sheets, took the gown they had brought for Sam, and knocked on the bathroom door.
“Sam, I’m going to come in to leave you the clean gown, okay?”
“Come in, Buck.”
Bucky stepped in as Sam came out of the shower, wrapping himself in a towel.
“Just in time,” Sam said with a smile as he took the gown Bucky handed him. Bucky glanced at the shower, truth be told, one would do him good.
“You’re late to shower with me, but you can still shower on your own,” Sam suggested, reading his mind.
Bucky hesitated. One thing was leaving Sam alone while he showered. Another was leaving him alone in the room so he could shower.
“I’m fine, Buck, go in there.”
The man still didn’t seem entirely convinced, so Sam added, “If you want, I can stay here. I promise to behave and not look.”
“And what are you going to do while I’m in there?”
“Say a Hail Mary to keep impure thoughts away.”
Bucky laughed.
“I won’t be long.” And although he would have preferred Sam to stay put, he wanted him to be as comfortable as possible, so he added, “You can go to bed if you want.”
“I think I’ll stay here.”
As promised, Bucky was quick, but far too late he realized he didn’t have towels or a change of clothes.
Sam offered to get them for him, something Bucky appreciated, even though he was supposed to be the one taking care of Sam, and he said as much.
“We take care of each other, Buck. That’s how this works, and if my memory isn’t failing me, which is possible, honestly, that’s how it’s always been.”
“You’re right,” Bucky said with a smile.
“Always,” Sam replied, winking at him before going to get the towels and Bucky’s clothes.
“Where did you learn to deal with nightmares?” Sam asked curiously while Bucky dried off.
“I actually learned it from you, sweetheart. All of this is because of you. I used to have horrible nightmares. Once you witnessed one, you helped me and taught me some of those techniques. It was really useful, and I’m very grateful for it, especially now, because it’s allowed me to help you.”
Sam stepped closer to Bucky, who had already dried off and started getting dressed, and hugged him, and of course, Bucky hugged him back.
Once Bucky was dressed, they went back to the room.
“Sleep in the bed with me, please,” Sam asked, and Bucky knew he shouldn’t, but even so, he did.