Chapter Text
Dear Steve,
I’m not sure how to start this. This is the last letter I'm going to write so just hold on.
okay sorry i mean i dont know why im apologizing, I mean I should apologize,- I don't know why I'm just having a conversation now. I'm scared Steve. I'm scared to die. Like really scared. I don't even know if I'm practicing proper grammar right now, does it even matter?? My head is spiraling. I need to take a break. I can't, though I have to finish this, why am I writing this and not thinking about it. ‘Well here's your letter Steve; just a compilation of all of my last thoughts, bye!!!!’
I've been so tired lately. Eddie has been haunting my dreams– day dreams, normal dreams, dreams of the future. He keeps reminding me that I couldn't save him, that I didn't do anything. I've been trying to forget, I've been trying so hard, Steve. It seems impossible. Everything feels so far away and it's hard to focus on one thing. I've been hurting myself. I'm not a fucking kid, I've been trying to feel pain, whenever I do it feels so damn relieving. Maybe I cringed writing this, maybe you're cringing reading it. It doesn't really matter anyways.
I've always enjoyed writing, ‘believe it or not! A+ student enjoys writing?!’ but I always wrote these stories not about me, but about you, and Eddie, and will, and Mike, the list goes on. Of course I'm not as much of a writer as Mike is, but I enjoy it. And hey, I didn't have the time to write Robin or my middle school teacher, Mr Clarke a letter, so please give them my condolences. Y'know, I always imagined you working at the school. You always took such good care of us when this whole thing started out. I hope doing this doesn't demolish any of your dreams.
I always saw you, Eddie, fuck, even Mr Clarke as a father or older brother figure since y'know my pops was never around. He moved away then we moved here, I was so torn up about him moving away even though I was so young I thought he'd just come back. He didn't. And when I lost Eddie it felt like I had lost another dad, or older brother. And I can't lose you either. Sorry about the water stains on the paper by the way.
Make sure to take care of my mother when I'm gone, I tried being rude and pushing her away but I can't. I don't know how she'll react, but I know it won't be very good. Holy shit this letter has gotten sorta long. It's just me brambling to myself anyways. Did you know Mike jumped off the quarry for me years ago? Yeah. He did it because some kids were going to cut my teeth out. I would've preferred they cut my teeth out. Mike jumping off that cliff did something to me. Anyways, this is probably the longest letter I've written. I just feel like I'll never truly get all my words out. I wish Eddie wrote me a letter, you a letter, Nancy–.
I keep thinking about what would've happened if he had lived. Would we be happy? I mean duh- of course we would. But that was probably traumatizing as shit for him. It was for all of us, but we've been to the upside down before, we've experienced demogorgons before. I mean I guess he could talk to Max about it, but she joined a year or two late. He joined 4 or something years later. I think even if he did live he would be in a coma too, and he would get constantly tormented by Andy, and Chance, and whatever the fuck his other goons names are.
I could go on and on writing my thoughts out on a paper, but I think I need to go now. Bye, Steve. I wish I had more time to talk to you about everything. I just can't lose you too.