Chapter Text
Rin moved through life like a puppet on strings. Good for nothing but soccer. Every insult, every backhanded comment and so called “compliments” became nothing but background noise. It was annoying more than anything. Seeing half of the girl population swarm around him like a bunch of flies to a freshly baked meat pie only for their faces to turn sour once someone mentioned the girl that was dead to him. It was a tale as old as time.
“Don’t you know he’s one of those trannies?”
They’d whisper, typical. It was slightly relieving that it was obviously hard for them to even begin believe. Judging by the look of denial on their faces until one of his shitty classmates pulled up his elementary school photo, holding it up like it was holy evidence. It was aggravating to say the very least. Spewing all that shit about him not being a “real boy” when they themselves were nothing but scrawny, 120 pathetic pounds of shit. He could practically smell the insecurity rolling off of them in waves. The reek of desperation and jealousy clouding over them. Whereas he had grown into the body he’s always aspired to have. A body crafted and rigorously honed for and only football. Made into a weapon whose sole purpose was to crush Itoshi Sae.
His relationship with his “family” was especially strained. They allowed him to continue his transition but only because they were barely home to even dictate his decisions anyway. And even when they were home, which was pretty much once in a blue moon, all they would do was whine and bitch about how “pretty” he was when he was a girl and if he was sure it wasn’t “just a phase”. Like if a change of mind could reverse years of hormone therapy, voice training and social transitioning. If he could stop being like this, he would’ve done it a long fucking time ago.
Life wasn’t like one of those sappy, coming of age stories where the outcast that was once bullied and ridiculed by those around them finally get respected and acknowledged once they reached their full potential. No, of course not. His teammates still snickered and pushed. Still left him out of every single celebration and meeting despite him scoring more goals for the team than all of their respective ancestries combined. The only thing that changed was that they were all too pussy to lay hands on him now. Resorting to petty bullying instead. All that weightlifting, testosterone and the 10 pounds of protein he would ingest on the daily really paid off. They were all bark, no bite, like little yapping mutts sniffing and licking up each others asses. Whatever, he didn’t need them anyway. All of them were just obstacles, mindless NPC’s in the way of his goal to defeat Itoshi Sae. Nothing less and certainly nothing more.
His teachers hesitated when it was time to call his name up for attendance. Some of them skipping it altogether which was preferable than the alternative. Even if they did say his actual name his classmates would be quick to quip, saying— “Oh, her actual name is [REDACTED]!” With that sickeningly sweet voice. Never failing to make him grit his teeth. New teachers were even worse with their performative enthusiasm . “Uhm is [REDACTED] here?” They would say innocently only for their faces to fall when they saw him raise his hand. Looking nothing like the delicate mental image they had created in their heads.
He skipped PE altogether. Not caring for the scoldings it earned him. He’d rather throw himself off a cliff than wear whatever that monstrosity of a PE uniform was. He’d rather die than do “girl” pushups and he’d rather swallow cyanide than being anywhere near a swimming pool. It was already enough of a battle for him to convince the school board to let him wear the boys uniform. He wasn’t going through that hassle again just to run laps around the park. And if you wanted him to attend the girls technology class? You’d have to drag his cold dead body there.
It was many things, annoying? Definitely. Irritating? Absolutely. And 20 more synonyms for “living hell”. But he’d rather have this then the life he lived before. The life he had snuffed out but still haunted him.
Rin’s footsteps tapped against the asphalt as the wind ruffled his hair like how Sae did all those years ago, before everything went to shit. The day ended as soon as it began in winter. Soft twinkling snowflakes falling to rest on the tip of his nose as his breath curled into crisp air like the steam of a freshly made ochazuke wafting in the air. It was…peaceful. For once. He arrived home with a sigh, shoes scraping against the doormat. His eyes zeroing in on the piece of paper taped onto the front door with a critical eye. Did his parents forget to pay the electric bill again? Seriously - He opened the letter.
“You have been selected to become a certified athlete—“ He physically scoffed, rolling his eyes and crumpling the letter into a tight ball and thrown to the corner to be forgotten about. Rejected before being understood. It was probably another stupid prank letter designed to trick him into getting lured into some sketchy place again. Probably sent by the team he humiliated recently, or maybe even his own teammates in their salty resentments. They really need to get more creative, the lack of inspiration and originality was almost pathetic.
Rin stretched his arms out, trying to focus on his usual yoga routine. But that crumpled up piece of paper in the corner kept drawing his attention like a moth to a burning flame. Okay, fine. Maybe he was a little curious but that was the extent of it. Curiosity killed the cat, that’s what he reminded himself over and over again even as the small part inside of him screamed to read it through . His stubbornness kept him away until nightfall. Now left with nothing but his thoughts and the irritating tick of the clock. The temptation was stronger than ever.
Rin tossed back and forth, torn between satiating his curiosity and sticking to his principle. But he couldn’t fucking take it anymore. He roughly marched to the corner and spread the paper out. His eyes skimming through the contents. “Congratulations, you’ve been selected to be become a certified athlete yada yada yada…” Rin murmured impatiently before a weirdly familiar logo caught his eye. Was that—
“JFU? As in the Japanese Football Union?”
Rin stood there frozen for a moment. He couldn’t believe it. He wouldn’t have believed it if it weren’t for the QR code in the corner that actually worked. There was no way his minus IQ teammates could’ve pulled this shit off. But even so it was still hard to believe. Didn’t they know he was…
Rin ran his hands through his hair in frustration and pure unadulterated confusion. The Japanese Football Union is extremely precise. There’s no way they could’ve overlooked this staggeringly important detail about him. Japan wasn’t exactly accepting of sex change, in fact it was borderline illegal. And just because of that his passport and legal documents still has him listed as “female”. Despite him certainly not looking the part. It never fails to get him weird looks every time he travelled.
Unless they were trying to recruit him into the women’s soccer team…But the paper had specifically stated the invitation was for under twenties men, So that could only mean one thing.
He was selected, by the JFU—to play in the men’s team.
What in the actual fuck.
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Rin stood in front of the gate. Standing at the location that was listed in the letter. He saw more and more groups of boys enter the building, all sporting different school uniforms while holding up identical pieces of paper that matched his. So this must really be the place, a little…shabby but not anything suspicious or relatively worth noting.
Oh how he was so wrong.
As soon as he entered the lights dimmed dramatically like an intro to a bad blockbuster. A tall, skin-walker like man entered the spotlight, adjusting his square rimmed glasses with a critical expression. Wearing a little soccer themed bolo tie that was a stark contrast to his intense thousand yard stare. Seriously who is this weirdo? He looked like he was about to recruit them into some soccer based cult. (He definitely was)
The next 10 minutes was just this man, Ego. He thinks his name was delivering the most dramatic speech he’s ever heard about strikers and something about overthrowing Japanese soccer. It was obviously just a trap to get these insecure hormone addled NPC’s hyped up and go along with his little plan without any real question. Rin considered just walking out halfway through until Ego mentioned that the top 5 players would get to infiltrate the Japan U20’s team.
Rin sighed and physically cringed when fog dramatically started spilling out of the opening doors as people ran in like their life depended on it. He walked through the door, barely giving Ego a glance before his ears picked up on a muffled comment—
“Itoshi Rin, you’re an interesting one.”
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
Rin entered a metal padded room with 11 other guys. Luckily there wasn’t anyone he knew so he was safe, for now at least. Which is what he so naively thought up until he saw the uniform. He was expecting, oh he doesn’t know..? A regular fucking soccer uniform? Not this skintight suit that looked like something straight out of a bad gay eroge. Not only did it look like a sensory nightmare, he didn’t even have his fucking packer on him.
They had confiscated all his shit when they entered this sketchy ass hexagon shaped building in the middle of nowhere, and that included his packer. He wouldn’t have cared if he had to wear a normal uniform but in this…monstrosity, his parts—or rather lack thereof would be as bright as day. On one hand they would immediately clock what he was and make his life a living hell or on the other hand, think he has a micro-penis which is arguably worse and also, make his life a living fucking hell. Either way was a dead end.
Rin panicked, looking around. There wasn’t even any fucking privacy to get changed? Why the hell did he agree to this? He tried to hide behind an opened locker door as he tried to figure out what to do.
Then his eyes found his socks. He genuinely can’t believe he’s actually considering something so ridiculous. What has his life come to? In a moment of pure desperation Rin stripped off his socks and shoved them in the uniform pants like a kid hiding the last cookie. God he felt so incredibly idiotic but did he have any other choice that didn’t lead to immediate exposure? He just layered the top onto his binder despite how uncomfortable it was. Fine. Whatever, he’ll live.
The next 136 seconds were the most overwhelming and underwhelming thing he’s ever experienced in his life. Overwhelming because just as he predicted this uniform was a sensory nightmare and the socks stuffed into his crotch felt so incredibly uncomfortable, and also because of the constant screeching and the insanity laced words leaving that lunatics mouth blasting on the speaker constantly ringing in his ears. He’s surprised his ear’s didn’t genuinely bleed.
And also underwhelmed because these guys genuinely fucking sucked despite them being classified “the best 300 strikers in Japan” his ass. Also he immediately clocked that Ego was talking out of his ass the moment he saw his rank. There’s just realistically no way he’s rank 222 out of 300. He wouldn’t have believed there was one better high school forward in Japan than him, let alone 221. But the other lab rats were lapping up every single word that left his mouth and absorbing them into their pea-sized brains like sponges. They would probably believe that it says gullible on the ceiling if that’s what Ego told them.
It was borderline embarrassing watching them chase each other with a ball in hopes of hitting someone. It was like watching ducklings trying to cross the road only to get run over. And then finally after a painstaking 136 seconds, it was over, just for the price of one guy shedding crocodile tears while cursing everybody and their mothers as he left the room.
The first selection was a blur really. His team being the top two teams to advance with him carrying the team. Luckily he was careful enough that nobody even seemed to be even slightly suspicious of him. Never questioning why he changed and showered only after they all went to bed.
The second selection was slightly less pathetic. Having opponents and teammates that actually knew something about soccer. That long haired glam-farmer, that negative muscle head, the tall white haired bum, the weird yellow loner and…
Isagi.
Rin didn’t even understand why he felt so…irritated by him specifically. He wasn’t thar extraordinary or gifted by any means. He was just a regular short-ass that seemed to—
See right through him.
No. He couldn’t think like that. Couldn’t think about how facing Isagi was the first real challenge he’s had since coming to Blue Lock. Couldn’t reminisce about the feeling of utter, soul-crushing defeat even if he had technically reached victor. But even that felt like a lie, a coping mechanism. Rin’s always depended on his own skills, his reading on the field, his control. But no, that time he’d relied on luck. And that fact alone solidified the fact that he had lost.
There was something different about how Isagi looked at him, not like a god, not like a monster that was beyond him. But like someone to be conquered, to be surpassed—
To be understood.
The very thought made him dizzy. Confusing emotions swirling in his gut.
And in the very same week, he experienced a kind of defeat he’d never faced before. Being so completely and utterly fucking humiliated by the World five. His brothers name being waved in his face like a cruel reminder of his own shortcomings. Of his inferiority. But even then Isagi looked at him with that stupid hopeful twinkle in his eyes that made hi feel…No, it was fucking nothing.
Because in the end, it would never amount to anything, he’d never amount to anything in the end. Not truly. Once they knew, once he knew. He would be an anomaly, the odd one out, the loose screw. And then he’d be nothing forever. Nothing to his name other than just being a fraud playing dress up.
But until then, he’d just exist, conquer, defeat and dominate like he always does, let them watch him with admiration and challenge before it becomes stained with disgust and disdain. Because the pitch was his only means of worth, of purpose. The only thing that drowned out the noise of his never-ending thoughts.
Fuck, look at him getting so emotional. God when was the last time he cried? Usually these emotions only evolved into anger in the end. But he wasn’t angry. He was—
Sad. And the thought terrified him more than anything. Because he shouldn’t be sad. It only served as mockery. His tears were proof of his femininity, everything Rin hated about himself. The cracks threatened to resurface, threatening to reveal the person he’s tried so hard to kill but just won’t fucking die, to hide—and he knew why that was.
Lately the complete lack of his usual hormone blockers and testosterone was starting to have an effect on him. Even with regular voice training he felt his voice get higher, his posture more sluggish. Him, more emotional. Performance dropped, not noticeable enough for most to realize but it was noticeable enough for him. It was fine, it’s always been fine—He’ll work through it. He always has.
And he didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t.
But the cracks were getting wider, and Rin didn’t know how long it would be until he completely fell apart and his cover was blown for the whole world to see. He didn’t know when he’d start being too…too much like the girl he wanted to forget. Wanted to leave behind.
He needed relief. And he needed it now.
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He erratically scratched at his skin in the shower. His skin raw and bleeding. Eyes tightly shut as hot water cascaded down his burning skin. He didn’t want to look down, he couldn’t look down—Because he knew what he would see wouldn’t be what he wanted to. He had made sure everyone had gone to bed so they wouldn’t—
A wet splat shot him out of his disassociation. Flinching violently as he looked back in horror. His vision swimming as the familiar silhouette got closer and closer, no, no no—That midnight stare that Rin knew all to clearly.
“Rin, are you here? Sorry I forgot to shower so I hope you don’t mind if—“
Isagi’s voice echoed through the showers. But before Rin could scream at him to get out, before he could cover himself. He felt his vision blur into black. The air getting snuffed out of his longs as he lost his footing. A wet crack echoed across the tiled walls as Rin felt himself go.
“Rin—? What…RIN?!”
Shit.