Chapter Text
Cats, as performed by the students of Casper High School.
Annotated by Lindsey Chanely
CAST ON STAGE:
- Danny: Fentabella and Mr. Dannyoffelees
- Todd: Toddavity and Rum Todd Tugger
- Paulina: Paulinandra and Paulinalurita
- Star: Starima and Staryany
- Lindsey: Lindseymeter and Lindseyteazer
- Emilie: Emilieoria and unnamed cats
- Kwan: Kwanojerrie, Kwanpus cat, and unnamed cats
- Charlie: Charliebrutus and unnamed cats
- Wes: Westrap
- Lancer: Old Lanceronomy, Lancertopher Jones, and Lanceryanyd
- The school janitor: Gus
- School janitors wife: Jellylorum
*We realized after that none of us actually asked the janitor or his wife what their names were, so sorry no funny names*
(Midnight. Not a sound from the laminate. Suddenly an explosion of music and lights reveals a vibrant
school scape. Vast overhead lights illuminate the entrapping landscape of textbooks and tired eyes, catching the darting image of hurrying teen cats running around on all fours. A stunningly beautiful black cat poses almost out of sight like she’s readying for her photo shoot).
(Fentabella, an old weathered cat that barely looked alive, appearing once more, wanting to rejoin his classmates and be a part of the celebration. He stretches out his hand behind him, hoping another cat will touch him; not daring to look back. He is still not accepted and, disappointed, he shambles off, as if his body was heavy as stone, into the bathroom). *Look at Danny really putting in the work for that bonus, be nice to him*
Act 1: ALL THE TEEN CATS ARE GATHERED FOR THE ANNUAL CASPER BALL
MUSIC 1: OVERTURE
(Teen cats slink out and crawl about). *we’re not sure why we had to include this, Mr. Lancer, we get being accurate but everyone was just kinda wiggling around waiting for it to end*
MUSIC 2: PROLOGUE – CASPER SONGS FOR CASPER CATS
(Westrap, a fancy looking orange cat, crawls on his belly across the hallway floor).
Westrap: Are you blind when you’re born?
(Lindseymeter, an lean tabby cat, head popping up from behind a trash can)
Lindseymeter: Can you see in the dark?
(Singing continues on as the teen cats all dance around, jumping over trash cans and ducking in and out of lockers).
(Rum Todd Tugger, a flamboyant glam rock-looking rosetted cat, turns dramatically out from behind a locker)
Rum Todd Tugger: can you say of your bite that it’s worse than your bark? *Oh zone, he cannot sing, why did we let him do this??? And why did he make those faces????*
ALL: BECAUSE CASPERS CAN AND CASPERS DO. CASPERS DO AND CASPERS CAN
(Staryany, a striking red cat, crawls across the floor; tail swishing up in the air of its own accord) *we feel fear of Danny’s presents, please confiscate them*
Staryany: Familiar with ghost, with book and with bell?
(Emilieoria, a small dark orange cat, and Paulinandra, a stunning black cat, prance hand in hand).
Emilieoria: Are you lean like a lynx?
Paulinandra: Were you there when the pharaohs commissioned the sphinx?
ALL: IF YOU WERE AND YOU ARE, YOU’RE A CASPER CAT
(Mr. Dannyoffelees, a sequinned black tuxedo cat, and Emilieoria, a stunning white cat, dance together surprisingly gracefully. So much so that someone might actually worry that Mr. Dannyoffelees might throw Emilieoria out of sight). *Okay we knew Emilie could dance but since when could Danny???*
(Everyone does something similar to Pilates moves that might pass as dancing for a while)
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (gestures grandly) Casper cats come out tonight, everyone come to the Casper ball
Westrap: (shoving Mr. Dannyoffelees to stumble away) Once a year the Casper cats gather for the Casper ball, to find out what Casper cat will be grabbed by ear or by tail. By the crowned Casper cat, to the heaviside layer. Old Lanceronomy, who will announce which Casper cat gets to be reborn into a new Casper life. And Caspers ask because Caspers dare, who will it be?
(Emilieoria moves through controlled ballet poses by a door) *you should be impressed, this is impressive, please notice. She copied the movie kind of perfectly*
Act 2: CANDIDATES FOR THE HEAVISIDE LAYER
All: SO, WHO’S GONNA GO TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER?
(Teen cats mumbling and chattering incoherently)
Kwanojerrie: (An orange cat leaning back dramatically) perhaps Lanceryanyd, who sits and sits and sits, with her tabby stripes and mounds of fur.
(Lanceryanyd in her mounds of orange furry glory comes prancing out through a door, knocking and kicking at rubber mice on the floor. The teen cats grab them and throw them back again and again) *yes your drag fat cat suit looks nice, Mr. Lancer*
Lanceryanyd: those mice aren’t nice.
Kwanojerrie: yes I have a quite sizeable cat in mind.
(Westrap leads Lanceryanyd off to a window sill)
Westrap: she loves anything smooth and flat.
Lanceryanyd: but when the days hustle and bustle is done, this cats work has hardly begun
Mr. Dannyoffelees: a kitty that busy surely shan’t move on!
Paulinalurita: (puts a leopard patterned elbow on Dannyoffelees) It must be, Kwanojerrie! (Tap dancing in spot with eager delight)
(Cats disagree with mocking)
Starima: (a spunky stripped red cat prancing over and putting her elbow on Paulinalurita’s shoulder) For me, it must be Paulinalurita! (Waves a hand down her body in a show of sexiness)
(Cats disagree again)
Charliebrutus: (a rough looking brown cat sticks his head between the two girls, sending everyone crashing down) No, it should be Lindseyteazer!
(Cats laugh hilariously)
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (jumps up with a finger in the air) No away hosey, it must be RUM TODD TUGGER! (All cats yowl with excitement and adoration) *Danny’s got pipes and we are confused, pretty sure at least three people flinched*
Music 3: THE RUM TODD TUGGER
ALL: THE RUM TODD TUGGER IS A CURIOUS CAT
Rum Todd Tugger: (explodes out from a classroom) meow *this is the most cringe thing he has ever done, give us strength and pray he never does it again*
If you offer me pheasant, I’d rather have grouse (Rum Todd Tugger shakes his chest fur ridiculously and continues doing his dance and song) *we all apologize deeply for letting him do this*
ALL: THE RUM TODD TUGGER IS A CURIOUS CAT
Rum Todd Tugger: (shaking his hips in Starima’s face) and there isn’t any need for me to shout it
Mr. Dannyoffelees: Rum Todd Tugger is a terrible bore.
Rum Todd Tugger: (shoving Mr. Dannyoffelees away with a crotch thrust) I’m always on the wrong side of every door. I’ll make such a fuss if I can’t get out. *why did he try to sound and do that like Micheal Jackson here???*
ALL: THE RUM TODD TUGGER IS A CURIOUS CAT
Rum Todd Tugger: (fake sits on Lindseymeter’s back) And there isn’t any use for you to doubt it
Westrap: For he will do as he do do
Paulinalirita: The Rum Todd Tugger is a curious beast
Rum Todd Tugger: My disobliging ways are a matter of habit. *he messed up this pronunciation SO MUCH*
Paulinalirita: (shimmy dances back to back with Rum Todd Tugger) He doesn’t even care for a cuddle, unless you don’t
ALL: THE RUM TODD TUGGER IS A CURIOUS CAT
(Rum Todd Tugger shoves Paulinalirita away and to the floor, who hisses and swats at Rum Todd Tugger)
(Teen Cats suddenly converge on Rum Todd Tugger and shower him with complimenting meows, some barely able to hide their disgust at his awful voice. An off scene newspaper hits Rum Todd Tugger for doing one too many hip thrusts) *spare us*
Act 3: Fentabella the glamorous cat *Danny is still mad we made him use his last name for this*
(Fentabella enters and wants to rejoin the Casper class, but the class refuse him, fleeing his presence immediately. Rum Todd Tugger flips him off and pretends to go to smack him with his tail, refusing to actually touch the haggard old cat. Many teen cats hiss, three try to claw at him).
Fentabella: (stares his face into Westrap’s own) Remark the cat who hesitates toward you. In the light of the door, which opens on him like a grin. *these two should kiss. Wes and Danny sitting in a tree, K. I. S. S. I. N. G. Danny has seen this comment and threatened to eat the paper if it gets written again*
Fentabella: (hitting a pitch loud enough to shake a few things and scaring Jellylorum, a older patched black and white cat) YOU SEE THE BOARDER OF HIS COAT IS TORN AND STAINED WITH SAND. And you see the corner of his eye twists like a crooked pin. He doesn’t need your disdain, he just needs you to stay. *after asking, apparently a ghost gave Danny singing lessons but he won’t explain why and we hate that. Blame him. And apparently the only reason we didn’t all already know this, is because we’re all asses he wouldn’t dare make a lyrical sound around to avoid band geek mocking*
(Paulinandra slinks majestically around, hissing at Fentabella)
Lindseymeter: He’s haunted many a vacant restroom.
(Lindseymeter makes some dance-like peeing motions, as Westrap watches Fentabella seriously)
Lindseymeter: You really had thought he’d ought to be dead! Who would ever suppose that that was Fentabella, the Glamour cat?
(Multiple gasps are heard)
Paulinandra: The supposed beau of the ball, the glamour cat.
Fentabella: (turns round and round almost fearfully) You scorn his battered skin, retreat blind to his fight. You say he fades a little more every night.
Fentabella: (throwing arms out at the cats around) He seeks you, you hate him too. He loves you, you loathe him too.
ALL: (everyone gesturing from a distance at Fentabella as if to shoo him away) WHO WOULD EVER SUPPOSE THAT WAS FENTABELLA, THE GLAMOUR CAT?!
Fentabella: (Fentabella leaves with sadness because of the rejection he received from his class. Voice barely heard in the distance) This hope will be his tomb.
Emilieoria: Don’t worry about that one, he won’t go to the heaviside layer.
(Teen Cats all agree with thrill and passion)
(A fat tuxedo cat enters, struggling through a doorway)
Charliebrutus + Kwanojerrie: oh it’s Lancertopher Jones, the one who’s not skin and bones.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (rushes in through a window. Stage whispering) in fact, he’s remarkably… fat.
(Lancertopher Jones waddles around getting greeted by every teen cat and clearly soaking it up) *we know that’s a fat suit, Mr. Lancer, and you enjoyed this way too much*
Starima: (bowing dramatically) the smartest of names.
Westrap: (saluting) in every hall of fame.
Lancertopher Jones: My visits are occasional, to the Senior Educational. And it is against the rules, for any one cat to belong both to that, and any Non Amity Schools.
(Everyone nods aggressively).
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (awe inspired nodding) indeed, only here can he be found.
Lancertopher Jones: And just before noon's not a moment too soon, to drop in for a drink at the Drones. When I'm seen in a hurry, there's probably curry.
ALL: AND WE’RE ALL OF US PROUD, TO BE NODDED OR BOWED TO, BY LANCERTOPHER JONES IN THE WHITE SPATS.
Lindseymeter: It can be no surprise, that under our eyes, he has grown unmistakably round.
Lancertopher Jones: (waves at all the teen cats) I am still in my prime, I shall last out my time
Starima: so certainly not he who will go to the Heaviside layer.
Act 4: THE CRIMINAL TWO
(The school ceiling alarms start blaring)
Emilieoria: What happened?
Westrap: (exagruatedly searches around the surroundings) Its Toddavity!
(Kwanojerrie, and his matching classmate, Lindseyteazer slink quietly through the hall carrying clearly stolen soap dispensers)
Kwanojerrie + Lindseyteazer: We're a notorious couple of cats. As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians.
(Kwanojerrie and Lindseyteazer run and jump around the stage, grabbing and stealing away random things, including an entire water fountain)
Kwanojerrie + Lindseyteazer: Kwanojerrie, and Lindseyteazer, have a wonderful way of working together.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (head popping out of a locker) when you hear a dining room smash.
Rum Todd Tugger: (head popping out of the same locker but slightly higher) Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crash.
Charliebrutus: (head popping out of the same locker but slightly higher) Or down from the library there comes a loud ping.
Staryany: (head popping out of the same locker but slightly higher) From a vase that was commonly said to be Ming.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (The four teen cats tumble out of the locker) Then family will say: "Now which was which cat?”.
ALL: “IT WAS KWANOJERRIE AND LINDSEYTEAZER!". *Danny set this up, no one asked how*
MUSIC 4: OLD LANCERONOMY
Westrap: (stepping forwards in awe) Old Lanceronomy
ALL: I BELIEVE IT IS OLD LANCERONOMY *again, you’re enjoying this way too much*
Westrap: Old Lanceronomy's lived a long time. He's a cat who has lived many lives in succession. He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme.
Rum Todd Tugger: (gesturing grandly halfway out of the bathroom door) Old Lanceronomy's buried nine wives and more, I am tempted to say ninety-nine. And his numerous progeny, prospers and, thrives
Jellylorum: yes, we are proud of him in his decline
ALL: WE DO BELIEVE IT IS OLD LANCERONOMY
Old Lanceronomy: (a shaggy black cat speckled with white shambles out and places a hand on each Casper cat in turn) My legs may be tottery, I must go slow. And be careful, of Old Lanceronomy.
Westrap: (gesturing grandly as Old Lanceronomy sits down) Casper cats meet once a year, for the Casper ball, and now that the Casper Crowned Cat is here, we can all cheer.
(Every teen cat begins to dance, jump, twirl, crawl, and roll. Putting on a show for its the time for a show).
(Then through a window jumps in a black spandexed cat with Phantom’s symbol on its chest. Kwanpus cat bares his teeth). *yes we know he should have a K symbol but we’ve got to pay respects to Phantom. Danny still thinks he should have played him instead, but we all say he doesn’t suit the role; Wes would make more sense even. And we know he only wanted the role to piss of Wes and make a joke*
Westrap: THE GREAT KWANPUS CAT!
Westrap: (Westrap and Kwanpus cat start fight dancing) He gave a great yawn and his jaws were a-mazing. You’ve never saw anything fiercer.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: or hairier!
(Rum Todd Tugger shoves over Mr. Dannyoffelees, and looks quite proud of himself)
ALL: PRAISE TO THE GREAT KWANPUS CAT!
Westrap: They say he’s striped with storm and flames, a riot stitched into a name. With eyes that spark like struck flint bright, and claws that argue with the night.
(Multiple cats rear back in both fright and delight, as Kwanpus stomps around, looming over random cats)
Westrap: Some say he battled ghosts of old. Some say he hunted fierce and bold. Some say he fought his shadow twin, and neither lost… nor could they win.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (jumping forwards at some cats) But grown cats lie when kits are near, they dress up truth to hide the fear.
(Kwanpus looms over the back of Mr. Dannyoffelees, but bounds away just before Mr. Dannyoffelees turns around)
Westrap: (turning away from Kwanpus and Mr. Dannyoffelees dramatically) Even bold Rum Todd Tugger once froze mid-strut, his laugh cut short, his swagger shut. And bright Mr. Dannyoffelees dropped his light. For tricks don’t work on Kwanpus’s night.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (tiptoes around in a circle, Kwanpus follows, scaring all those behind with dramatic flare) He comes in wrong, too fast, too wide. Like too many cats share one inside. A shifting, slipping, tangled thing. With teeth that hum and eyes that sing.
ALL: (Every cat falls back as Kwanpus cat jumps high and stomps off scene) PRAISE TO THE GREAT KWANPUS CAT!
Act 5: CASPER BALL
Old Lanceronomy: (hushing the group of teen Casper cats): Casper cats all must know, like undertakers come to dust.
(A ceiling light shatters, sending the teen cats scattering).
Lindseymeter: TODDAVITY!
Emilieoria: (slinking back out): Casper Cats are black and white.
Paulinandra: Casper cats know how to dance and prance.
Westrap: until the Casper moon appears.
Kwanojerrie: If it happens to be a stormy night. We will pracitce a ball pass or two, in the hall.
ALL: CASPERS COME TO THE CASPER BALL
(All cats try to twist and move slowly in unison) *yes we know we weren’t very successful at this*
(Old Lanceronomy watching curiously as Mr. Dannyoffelees takes centre hallway stage, performing pirouettes, Old Lanceronomy not managing to avoid looking truly baffled) *we were all baffled too, no shame*
(Rum Todd Tugger attempted to join only to fall on his back side and scurry away. All other cats make a varitity of dramatic motions and poses).
(Paulinandra and Starima move across the front with a dramatic salsa moments before Old Lanceronomy steps forwards to make calming pacifying motions at the class. All stretch and yawn and lay across the floor, making a cat pile).
(Moments pass until they all sniff at the air and flee once more)
Fentabella: (stepping out with a hope filled face, expression dropping as he faced the empty hallway) Moonlight. Not a sound from the pavement. Has the moon lost his memory? He is smiling alone. In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet. And the wind begins to moan.
(Old Lanceronomy stands and eyes the ‘old cat’ as Lindseymeter rushes out purely to shove him and flee again)
Starima: (moves to slowly hold a hand out to Fentabella) You see the tips of his fur is battered and worn. And you see the tip of his, ear curled like a withered leaf.
(Lindseymeter yanked away Starima, leaving Fentabella alone once more to dance weakly alone) *someone clearly signed Danny up for this as an excuse to be mean to him. He looked genuinely sad and hurt, it was kinda painful actually*
Fentabella: (dropping his arms as if they’re too heavy to hold up any longer, giving up the dance) All alone in the moonlight. I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then. I remember the time I knew what happiness was. Every streetlamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning.
Fentabella: (Old Lanceronomy reaches a hand out for Fentabella as he staggers away) I must wait for the sunrise. I must think of a new life, and I musn't give in. When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too.
Act 6: GUS THE THEATRE CAT
(Every cat begins to slowly come back to the hallway, cautiously, as if looking for the forsaken one. Jellylorum leads along Gus, an old ragged cat)
Old Lanceronomy: (eyeing the teen cats, shakes his head) Those moments of happiness, we had the experience but missed the meaning. And approach to the meaning, restores the experience.
Starima: (stands up suddenly, defiantly. As if to make a point) Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight. Let your memory lead you. Open up, enter in.
Westrap: If you find there, the meaning of what happiness is. Then a new life will begin.
(Multiple teen cats crawl towards the sitting Gus, Jellylorum rubbing his arm).
Jellylorum: His coat's very shabby. He's thin as a rake. And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake.
Jellylorum: (looks back to Old Lanceronomy) No longer a terror to mice, or to rats. For he isn't the cat that he was in his prime. Though his name was quite famous, he says, in his time.
Gus: I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts, whether I took the lead or in character parts.
Jellylorum: (shaking Gus when he seems to nearly pass out as if to pass away) He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne, at a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat.
Gus: (looking off at nothing) And I think that I still can much better than most, produce blood-curdling noises to bring on the ghost. And I once played Growltiger, and I could do it again.
(Jellylorum moved to correct Gus’s step as he attempted to wander off. Old Lanceronomy held out a hand to him, Gus turned away, and Jellylorum shakes her head in sadness). *we all agree this is just needlessly sad. Cat Alzheimer’s is just super depressing, why did we choose this play again? Also yeah, we got rid of the railway cat bit, someone couldn’t handle so many back to back active characters*
MUSIC 5: TODDAVITY THE MYSTERY CAT
(All the lights go out, startled, the teen cats cower)
Kwanojerrie: TODDAVITY!
(Evil cackles in the air, Toddavity, a intense red cat, twirls around on stage and abducts Old Lanceronomy)
Starima: wait, who’s Toddavity?
Westrap: Toddavity's a mystery cat, he's called the hidden paw. For he's a master criminal, who can defy the law. For when they reach the scene of crime, Toddavity's not there!
Charliebrutus: Toddavity, Toddavity, there's no one like Toddavity *yeah no one as bad at singing like Todd… Toddavity*
(Teen cats scurry around to look behind doors and under lids. Beside poster board and beneath toilet seats)
Lindseymeter: He's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity. You may meet him in bleachers, you may see him in the book fare. But when a crime's discovered then Toddavity’s not there!
Paulinalirita: He always has an alibi and one or two to spare. What ever time the deed took place, Toddavity wasn't there!
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (lifts a trash can over his head and shakes it) He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake. And when you think he's half asleep, he’s always wide AWAKE! *Paulina was very mad at Danny for hurting her ears here*
ALL: WE HAVE TO FIND OLD LANCERONOMY!
(Toddavity runs and moves around the hallway, jumps at and jumps away from random cats. Crawls into lockers and back out of other ones. Terrorizing. Grabs Charliebrutus to drag across the floor, only to get pulled back to safety by a hissing Paulinandra).
Westrap: (jumps forwards to face Toddavity in a scratching hissing cat fight) Napoleon of Crime!
(Toddavity picks up Westrap and throws him) *we tried to talk them both out of this, Danny called them ‘bitches’, they insisted on this. Wes has a sprained ankle by the way*
(Three teens hover over the injured Westrap, Kwanojerrie and Lindseyteazer jump in to distract and chase off Toddavity. Toddavity shorts out the school hall lights as he fled)
Staryany: (sat back on her feet) oh how are we to find Old Lanceronomy.
(Many teen cats weep and sniffle)
Rum Todd Tugger: (slide out from behind a door) You ought to ask the magical Mr. Dannyoffelees, the original Conjuring Cat. There can be no doubt about that. Please, listen to me, and don’t scoff.
Rum Todd Tugger: (jumps down at the ground, gesturing at everyone dramatically) performing sur-prising illusions and creating ec-centric confusions. The greatest magicians have something to learn, from Mr. Dannyoffelees's conjuring turn.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (pops out from a floor board) presto!
Rum Todd Tugger: His voice has been heard on the roof, when he was curled up by the fire.
Westrap: (with impressive violent glaring) Which is uncontestable proof, of his singular magical powers. *yes this got Wes back on his ‘Danny is Phantom’ conspiracies again. We will never be free*
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (twists and bends around shooting small ecto-rays from two wrist rays at the floor) Don’t blink, you might break the scene. Watch and behold, as reality splits at its cosmic seams.
Rum Todd Tugger: (gestures encouragingly at the crowd of teen Casper cats) And we all say?.
ALL: OH! WELL I NEVER! WAS THERE EVER, A CAT SO CLEVER, AS MR. MAGICAL DANNYOFFELEES!
Rum Todd Tugger: And not long ago this phe-nomenal cat, produced seven ghosts right out of a hat!
(Mr. Dannyoffelees produced a hat from the floor and out pulled the GhostWriter by his scarf. Chaos ensued). *we PROMISE that no one, but Danny, knew Danny was going to do that. Tell the tech department we are very very sorry about the ghost changing the lights into mites, and forcing Danny and Todd into a rap battle that was grossly out of place for this musical play. Anyways, we don’t know if you want that mess written or not so we did it anyways*
The GhostWriter: (bows exaggeratedly) I interrupt this show, to bring you more inspired flow. Introducing, Casper Pawbreakers.
Rum Todd Tugger: (struts. Hip rolls, tail flicks. Teen cats swoon dramatically. Paulinalurita nearly faints on cue) I prowl in with a purr that could crack concrete. Got nine lives’ worth of rhythm in a four-on-the-floor beat. You blink, I’m adored, I don’t beg, I’m demanded. Every hallway, every desk, yeah, they’ve all been branded.
(Multiple teen cats move, scurry, as Rum Todd Tugger jumps and lands in the hallway stage centre).
Rum Todd Tugger: I don’t do ‘poof’, I don’t vanish or hide. I’m the reason every eye got a spark in its stride. You a bedtime story trick with a shimmer and tease. I’m the riot in the room, boy, remember the name please.
(Lights flickered then cut, a constellation of tiny white lights appeared, forming eyes) *we are not even going to bother to question how or why the ghost did this*
Mr. Dannyoffelees: Soft step, sharp mind, I don’t need to announce. Every move I compose makes the cosmos bounce. While you bark for applause, I let silence expand. Then I pull constellations like threads through my hand.
(Mr. Dannyoffelees kicked a poorly secured trash can up at The GhostWrite who dodged with an eyeroll)
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (A gesture of Mr. Dannyoffelees’s hand made everyone freeze) loud like a drum but hollow inside. I’m the echo that lingers when the noise steps aside. You chase every whim, like a tail in a loop. I rewrite the rules while you dance in the group.
Lindseymeter: I’m so confused right now, I can’t even ask how *we were all very horrified to realize we were all stuck in this rhyming thing too. We are mad at Danny*
Rum Todd Tugger: (leaps onto an overturned toilet) Rewrite the rules? Freak, I tear out the page. You perform for the dark, I command the whole stage. Your a whisper, I’m thunder, I’m a feast, your a taste. If this is a duel, then I’m first, last, and base.
Rum Todd Tugger: (crawls on all foes at Mr. Dannyoffelees) You hide in your tricks, like a cat in a box. Little Schrödinger’s cat. I’m the lock-breakin’ rhythm that shatters the locks. You got style, I’ll admit, but it’s neat, it’s contained. I’m the beautiful lion that can’t ever be tamed. Reow. *zone why did he have to do that again. Ew*
(The spotlight shifted in such a way as to make ten shadows of Mr. Dannyoffelees, suit shimmering wildly)
Mr. Dannyoffelees: Contained? No… refined. Every flick is a choice. While you drown in your volume, I sculpt every voice. You’re a spark in dry grass. A flash, a roar, then gone. I’m the spell that rewrites what the night stands upon. They use a tigers roar in all the movies, guess we know who’s the real beauties.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (a prop magically restored itself) When the moment turns fragile, when hope starts to flee. They don’t call for the noise, they come looking for me.
(Rum Todd Tugger and Mr. Dannyoffelees circle each other, taking over exaggerated steps) *honestly, we think they were thoroughly enjoying this at this point. Jerks*
Rum Todd Tugger: I’m the pulse in their veins!
Mr. Dannyoffelees: I’m the dream in their sleep!
Rum Todd Tugger: I’m the chaos they crave!
Mr. Dannyoffelees: I’m the secret they keep!
Westrap: (throws arms out pushing the two teen cats apart, looks from one cat to the other and back again and again) It's news to me that it's news to you, to which degree who stands above who. You could go on and on, but in the end, who are you kidding? It’s my concinnity that is past infinity.
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (a wild smirk) concinnity? More like virginity.
(Westrap lunged at Mr. Dannyoffelees, the two rolled about on the linoleum floor, until they got blasted apart by what looked like book pages)
The GhostWriter: (a proud laugh) From the gutter to the glitter, from the shadow to the flame. Different paths to the throne, but kings all the same. So the night sings louder when they both take the lead. Magic and madness… that’s the Casper creed.
(The ghost vanished while he made ‘I’m watching you’ finger motions at Mr. Dannyoffelees. Mr. Dannyoffelees only gave a shrug before he twirled a hand at Pauliandra to come forth)
Mr. Dannyoffelees: The truth you seek, might kill the one you win. ‘Cause knowing the trick, spoils the state I’m living in. *what a way to tell us that he ain’t gonna explain shit*
(Paulinadra’s walk towards Mr. Dannyoffelees is stiff and not at all like how it had been practiced to be) *blame Danny, just blame Danny. He still deserves bonus credit though*
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (throws blanket over Paulinandra, and a yank back reveals Old Lanceronomy) So close the chapter, don’t break the spell. Some stories end, and never tell. And presto!
Old Lanceronomy: (Mr. Dannyoffelees grinned wide ready for his praise, Old Lanceronomy uncharacteristically swatted him over the head) Never was there ever a cat so clever as magical mystical Mr. Dannyoffelees. *none of us believe Danny feels remotely bad about everything or anything*
Mr. Dannyoffelees: (scurries off stage) You’ll never know if I was real, and that’s the point, that’s thee appeal.
Act 7: FENTABELLA MEMORIES REPRISE
MUSIC 6: MEMORY (reprise)
(Old Lanceronomy reached a hand out for Gus as all the Casper cats watched on in awe, only to be interrupted by Starima)
Starima: (guesturing a hand and head to the bathroom doorway) Daylight. See the dew on a sunflower. And a rose that is fading, roses wither away. Like the sunflower, I yearn to turn my face to the dawn. I am waiting, for the day.
(Old Lanceronomy turned, as if reminded of another, one more ready, more in need, more deserved).
Westrap: before the dawn, Old Lanceronomy announced the cat who can now be reborn. And come back to a different Casper life.
(Teen cats scramble up and away, Fentabella exits the bathroom that he had watched them from. Rum Todd Tugger gestured him forward with a sneer. Old Lanceronomy held up a hand with a soft smile) *everyone wants to know why the heck Danny gets forgiven so quickly for the craziness he always causes. Seriously*
Fentabella: Memory, anll alone in the moonlight. I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then. I remember, the time I knew what happiness was... Let the memory live again.
Fentabella: (staggers around on stage haphazardly, teary eyed and weak looking) Burnt out ends of smoky days, the stale cold smell of morning. The ceiling light dies, another night is over. Another day iS DAWNING.
Starima: (sings, face to the windows, the ‘sky’ outside, as Fentabella collapses to the floor) Sunlight through the trees in summer. Endless masquerading. *If this wasn’t Danny we would have been worried he hurt himself from how loudly his body impacted the ground. But if he can walk off being run over by his parents nightmarish suv thing, he can handle tackling the floor with his entire body weight*
Starima + Fentabella: (Fentabella lifting his head up) Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
Fentabella: The memory is fading!
Fentabella: (forcing himself up and gesturing around at all the hiding teen cats) TOUCH ME! IT’S SO EASY TO LEAVE ME! ALL ALONE WITH MEMORY! Of my days in the sun. If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is. Deem me worthy, to take a new form. Look, a new day has begun. *okay Danny was actually crying here, actually crying. Should someone be concerned about that or is he just really trying to get those credits. He does have to make up for summoning a ghost after all*
(Emilieoria cautiously approached the haggard cat, Fentabella once more stretched out his hand behind him, hoping another Casper cat will touch him; not daring to look back. Emilieoria placed her hand in his. The other Casper cats all approached in turn, touching Fentabella’s hand. Until he arrived to Old Lanceronomy)
Old Lanceronomy: (leads Fentabella away) The pain within since gone, this is where you belong. So join the song of the sky, come take your final climb.
Fentabella: To my ever after, a whole new chapter. If I never sing again, give me peace as I ascend.
ALL: UP, UP, UP, UP, TO THE HEAVISIDE LAYER.
(Fentabella disappeared in through the bathroom door for the last time)
Old Lanceronomy: You've learned enough to take the view. That cats are very much like you.
ALL: A CAT’S ENTITLED TO EXPECT, THESE EVIDENCES OF RESPECT. SO THIS IS THIS, AND THAT IS THAT. AND THERE’S HOW YOU AD-DRESS A CAT!
The GhostWriter: (head phased through the roof, startling nearly all those around) my opinion on musicals remains unchanged! Hardly more than poetry defanged!
Old Lanceronomy: (Old Lanceronomy proves the fire extinguishers used as props are real, foam is sprayed) feast your eyes on Hamilton, and tell me that’s not art!
(Green light cuts through the haze and foam, far more successfully chasing off and singeing the scarf of the GhostWriter)
Mr. Dannyoffelees: presto! I’m spoon-feeding you pain by a chorus line! *Danny looked bizarrely happy here*
Westrap: I hate you
(If all these cats had not been cats, if they had been in normal attire, then perhaps many would have fired off lipstick blasters and ray guns. Perhaps if Kwanpus hand actually been Phantompus he could have caught the ghost in his ever trusty thermos. Instead, with a guitar rift, Ember McLain appeared, and hog tied the ghost with guitar strings to plentiful cheers).
Ember: (yanking strings tighter on the GhostWriter) almost all of you need singing lessons, that was awful. No I’m not offering, one’s already a handful. Later, losers!
(And with that, the two ghosts depart and all the Casper Cats cautiously gathered together with Old Lanceronomy to take a bow to the crowd that’s not exactly small) *there, done, happy? Also, you could have told us this was going to be in front of other people, we are all very embarrassed. Also, what a way to find out Danny learned to sing from Ember, of all people or ghosts. Wes says that’s just more proof he’s Phantom, but we all agree that a ghost teaching another ghost who beats them up all the time, makes zero sense. If anything, Ember probably taught Danny to piss of Phantom or his parents, and Danny went along with it because he’s Danny and Danny is a problem*
The GhostWriter shakes his head at his copy of the paper, it’s not terrible per-say, but why did they have to actively cut out things that messed up the rhyming scheme? Eyeing Phantom and Ember, “as per usual, I regret every interaction I’ve ever had with either of you”. At least William got to use his drag skills during school hours, even if the man complained a little about the GhostWriters unneeded appearance and how good it felt to get off all of the heavy cumbersome suits William made himself.
Danny beams, “thank you!”, earning him a scowl from the ghost before turning his attention back to Ember, “anyways, I suppose I should thank you for dragging that asshole away. Guy almost ruined my absolutely not easy bonus credit”. Did Danny kind of do that to himself? Yeah. But he doesn’t care about that little fact one bit.
She waves him off, “it’s whatever, since that was great, babypop”, punching him lightly on the shoulder, “they gave you the right roles. Black and white magic cat and the dying cat”.
Danny chuckles a bit, “I think they just wanted to get to bully me on stage a bit, you’re not wrong though”.
“Also, way to cry onstage in front of a bunch of people. I’ve never even done that”.
Was that embarrassing? Yes absolutely. Danny’s very glad his folks were too busy with whatever project they’re working on to show up. Small miracles. Having negligent parents has at least some perks. Danny pointing at her, “hey now, that Memory song means a hell of a lot more when you already know what death is”; also Danny can absolutely relate to maybe wanting to get rid of his current body and start life anew.
“And it’s way too appropriate for you?”.
Danny nods, “and it’s way too appropriate for me”. After becoming Phantom, he’s basically got an entirely new life, and he was absolutely more genuinely himself at night -you know, under moonlight- these days. Then there’s the fact that he’s riddled with scars and traumas now, unlike all those happy old childhood days. The sheer number of times he’s been bandaging himself up waiting for the sunrise, when he’ll have to put on his happy little normal clumsy ‘I want nothing to do with ghosts’ mask and eat breakfast with his folks; the nights memories just more secrets or traumas or perhaps just more fun if he’s lucky, piled onto him.
Ember shoulder bumps him and points at the library ceiling, “well, come on, you idiot. Every good show does an encore”, turning to point at The GhostWriter, “we’re stealing your ceiling”.
The GhostWriter sighs, “please refrain from actually stealing it”.
Danny and Ember giving matching, “no promises”, before flying up to said roof.
The GhostWriter shakes his head, though smiling to himself a little. He might marginally hate the high prince, but he did love a good tragic character; and Phantom was an impressively tragic character, even if he was also an utter fool. Dark comedy at its finest, he supposes.
Hearing Phantom singing, “touuuuuch meeEEEE! it’s sooo eeeeasyyy to leeeEAVE MEEEEEE!”, really only emphasizes The GhostWriters thoughts, as he gets to work binding the script for his shelves.
End.