Chapter Text
The drive to Montreal from their home in Ottawa was two hours and thirty minutes. Ilya planned to make it to Montreal General Hospital in two hours and fifteen minutes. He could drive to Montreal with his eyes closed. He made the same drive dozens of times over the years to see Shane.
“What do you think he looks like?” Shane said quietly, Ilya could feel him looking over at him.
“Perfect.” Ilya glanced over at Shane. Ilya placed a hand on the back of Shane’s neck and ran his fingers through his hair.
Shane’s hand was on Ilya’s thigh, “Do you think she will want to meet us?”
“His mom? She chose open adoption, so I think so.” Ilya turned the music down. Shane needed to verbally process. He needed him to listen to his questions.
“What do I even say to her? I- we haven’t gotten this far before. Sarah sent me some information on her.” Shane took a breath, “She is only seventeen. I didn’t read the rest. I was too nervous.” Shane chewed on his nail and looked out the window.
“Seventeen is so young. Is when we met.” Ilya said quietly, rubbing Shane’s neck.
“I just keep thinking about her. Are her parents with her? What about the father?” Shane continued.
“See this is why I know you will be a good dad, moya lyubov.” Ilya looked at Shane quickly. He grabbed Shane’s hand on his thigh, intertwining their fingers. Ilya placed a small kiss on the back of Shane’s hand.
“You will be a good dad, too.” Shane smiled at him.
“I hope so.” Ilya said.
Shane looked out the window, watching the blur of trees and white lines. “You aren’t your father, Ilya. You aren’t your brother either.” He said quietly.
★★★
Shane and Ilya walked out of the elevator into the labor and delivery department at 6:30 AM. The lack of sleep and long, dark drive started to catch up to Ilya, but adrenaline was starting to kick in.
“There they are! Congratulations to you two. I am so happy for you.” Sarah walked up to Shane and Ilya, giving them both a hug. “The mother has requested to bond with the baby until her discharge, but is okay with you visiting with him today. I have a room set up for you to meet your new son, let's say in about an hour? I also have your arm bands for the nursery.” Sarah handed the two men the arm bands. “Baby and Mom will be discharged tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM. I would suggest being here at 7:30.”
“Yes. Yes, of course.” Ilya set down their bags. His English was failing him suddenly.
“For now you can relax here in the lobby, take a walk, whatever you need to do to be comfortable.” Sarah smiled.
“Will we get to meet her?” Shane asked.
“She says she is not ready to meet you both yet, but still wants an open adoption. I have her contact information to give you and I will give her yours. I would let her lead the way and express to her that you are fully comfortable with whatever level of openness she wants.”
“Ok-ok yes, of course whatever she feels comfortable with.” Ilya nodded his head and glanced over at Shane. He could feel his nerves. Ilya placed his hand on Shane’s back and rubbed a small circle.
“Is she- alone?” Shane asked.
“Her mom is with her.” Sarah smiled.
“Okay, okay. Good.” Shane nervously responded.
“And we get some formula and supplies from hospital, yes?” Ilya continued rubbing circles into Shane’s back.
“Yes, of course. Just request it from the nurse before you leave.” Sarah continued, “I am here until the moment you get on the road. Just call me, text me, come find me. I am going to go check on the mother, but I will be back in this lobby in no time.” Sarah smiled and walked away.
Ilya turned to Shane, “I am going to find coffee. I think I saw a station down the hall. Are you okay to sit here for few minutes?” Ilya brushed Shane’s hair off his forehead.
“Yes, can you grab me one?” Shane asked.
“Of course, moya lyubov.” Ilya kissed his forehead.
Ilya returned with two cups of shitty coffee. Shane’s black. Ilya’s with three creamers.
“Is no good, but is coffee.” Ilya let out a small laugh and handed the cup to Shane.
Shane took a sip. “Oh, yeah, it tastes like shit.” Shane made a small face and set the coffee next to him. He returned to writing in a notebook.
“What are you writing? To do list?” Ilya asked, only half joking.
“A letter. To his mom. While it’s- in my head.” Shane said quietly. He ripped the page out, folding it in half.
“Can I read it?” Ilya asked.
“Sure. You can sign it too if you want. Or write your own.” Shane handed him the note and pen.
Ilya opened the letter and read Shane’s neat cursive:
There are no words I could write to fully express our gratitude.
Thank you for entrusting him with us.
We will love him every day for the rest of our lives.
We are here for you. Our lives are intertwined forever.
I hope one day I can tell you this in person, when you are ready.
Love,
Shane Hollander-Rozanov
Ilya felt the tears well up in his eyes, he took the pen and quickly scribbled:
Thank you. For everything.
We love him already.
I will think of you when I hold him.
Love and thanks,
Илья Холландер-Розанов
Ilya Hollander-Rozanov
“Shane, please check my English.” Ilya said quietly as he passed him back the letter.
Shane read over the lines, “It’s perfect, baby.” He looked up smiling, a small tear falling down his cheek.
★★★
Ilya took a sip of his second cup of coffee.
“Ok, I book hotel right next door.”
He glanced over at Shane concentrating on his sudoku puzzle. He reached into the diaper bag and took out the polaroid. He snapped a picture of Shane.
Shane looked up and smiled.
“Is for memory.” Ilya shrugged.
“My turn.” Shane smiled, grabbing the camera from Ilya’s hand. “Hold up your coffee.”
Ilya grinned and posed as requested, the flash went off.
Ilya glanced at his watch, “Should be any minute now. Has been maybe hour and ten minutes.” He felt a knot of nerves twist in his stomach.
“Fuck.” Shane whispered. “I’m so fucking nervous, Ilya.” He leaned towards Ilya and whispered even quieter.
Ilya leaned towards Shane, “I know, me too. But you are so brave. I’ve seen it.” Ilya whispered back, tucking Shane’s hair behind his ear. He looked at Shane’s knee bouncing.
“Mr. and Mr. Hollander-Rozanov? You can follow me, we have a room prepared for you both.” A nurse called from the doorway of the lobby. Shane and Ilya stood, carrying their bags, following the nurse. Ilya said a small prayer to himself.
They sat in the small hospital room. Ilya paced back and forth. Shane sat in the chair, his elbows on his knees, almost like he was praying too.
A small knock on the door, the door cracked open. One nurse walked through first, holding it open for the next who was pushing the small hospital bassinet through. Ilya’s heart pounding in his chest, his mind having to translate and re-translate everything the nurse was saying into Russian for his mind to process it.
“Good morning!” The cheery nurse said quietly. “Say good morning dads!” she beamed down at the tiny baby in the bassinet. Shane jumped up, standing slightly behind Ilya, his hand attaching immediately to Ilya’s back.
Ilya couldn’t believe how small he was. His eyes were shut, his body swaddled tightly in a white, pink, and blue blanket. A small matching hat on his head.
The two men walked towards the bassinet, Shane’s hand never leaving Ilya’s back.
“Oh my god, Ilya.” Shane whispered, his voice cracking. Ilya heard sniffles from the man behind him.
“I told you. Perfect.” Ilya gazed down. He wanted to hold him. “Can I hold him yet?”
“Yes, the mother has given permission for you to hold him. Would you like to do skin-on-skin?” The nurse smiled lovingly at Ilya. Ilya looked back at Shane.
“Do you want to first?” Ilya asked.
“Go ahead, baby.” Shane smiled, tears collecting at the corners of his eyes.
Ilya, a little uncomfortably, took off his shirt and sat in the chair. The nurse brought over the tiny baby and guided him to Ilya's chest, draping the swaddle blanket over them.
“We will give you three some time alone.” The nurse stepped out of the room.
Ilya looked down at the baby, his son. Theo.
Shane snapped several photos on his phone, he took one with the polaroid.
“We probably need to facetime Mom in a minute. She is probably dying” Shane said. Ilya laughed quietly.
“I will facetime her when you hold him. She will love that.” Ilya whispered. Shane smiled and nodded.
Ilya investigated every part of this tiny boy on his chest. His hands were unbelievably small. Ilya couldn’t believe each finger had a tiny fingernail, he counted each one. He peeked down at his legs and toes, five and five. His cheeks were a little red, his eyes scrunched. Ilya pulled off his little hat. “Oh Shane, look at his hair.” It was thick, and black, straight. Just like Shane’s.
Shane walked over and crouched down next to Ilya, kissing Ilya’s forehead. Shane ran his hand slowly and carefully across Theo’s hair. A tear escaped Ilya’s eyes.
Shane whispered, “I can’t believe he has so many eyelashes. Look at them.”
“I can’t believe he came out so… complete. So perfect. Every little part of him.” Ilya looked over at Shane.
“Theo.” Shane whispered, his eyes glossy. Theo stirred a little in Ilya’s arms. Shane placed his hand on his tiny back, rubbing it.
Ilya reached up, pulled Shane’s face to his and kissed him. He pressed their foreheads together. The tears started to fall more and more.
“I wish my mom was here, Shane. To see this. To see us. To meet him.” Ilya’s voice cracked. He cleared his throat.
“I know, baby. She is so happy right now. She is watching. I know she is.” Shane pressed kisses on Ilya’s tears.
“I hope so.” Ilya whispered on Shane’s lips, pressing a quick kiss, wiping a tear away on Shane’s cheek.
Ilya turned to Theo and whispered, “She would have loved you, like we love you.”