Chapter Text
His office was quiet, the usual now these days. Varka's eyes fell on the jagged knife and vision he kept propped up on his desk. It had been a year since Lohen was taken. And his absence was felt heavily in Mondstadt, but especially in his office. Without Lohen's raspy, somewhat cocky voice chatting his ear off, or his quiet presence with the occasional swish of his knife in the air, it didn't feel the same.
He had the knights searching all over Mondstadt after the house came up empty. Within a month, the entire nation had been picked through. And Lohen was nowhere to be found. No clues, nothing.
The Traveler and Paimon wished them luck as they prepared to head off to Snezhnaya. They would keep an eye out from afar, but it was unlikely they'd find anything there. Morale was at an all-time low with Lohen's kidnapping, especially among the Fifth Company. Without a captain or a vice captain, they had no leader. And until Lohen was found they intended to keep it that way. When it was suggested they appoint a temporary leader, every member of the company refused. Varka couldn't help but feel pride in that.
But that didn't change the fact that they had zero leads on where Lohen's parents had taken him. Varka wanted to tear apart Teyvat to find him, oh how desperately he wanted to. But he knew he couldn't. He couldn't reasonably take a large portion of the knights across the nations in a search for Lohen right after finally returning from Nod-Krai. For that same reason, he couldn't make the trek by himself. But the Fifth Company's loyalty to Lohen was truly exceptional. A handful of the knights requested a leave in order to search across Teyvat for him. If that's what they wanted to use their leave for, who was he to stop them? But how badly he wanted to join them.
That was a year ago. And he received the occasional update every month or so. The same answer every time. We've found nothing.
It was only eight in the morning and Varka had already had two jugs of Dandelion Wine. Lohen's absence was especially noticeable this week of all of them. It was his birthday in a few days. Lohen wasn't big on celebrating them, and kept his birthday mostly under wraps among the knights. No big parties or feasts. What he wanted was a good few hours sparring and a fresh hilichurl camp to take out. His face would light up like no other when he got to spar with him. Varka won the majority, but Lohen occasionally got the upper hand on him. Win or lose though, he'd have a large grin plastered on his face when they were done, drunk off the high of battle.
He toyed with Lohen's knife, tracing his fingers among its grooves and edges. He could almost feel the ghost of Lohen's grip on it. He knew Lohen wouldn't be getting anything he desired for his birthday this year. A big party or a feast, that's what he'd receive instead; his wishes completely ignored.
Varka's chest panged with guilt the more he thought of him. He didn't have any word on Lohen's status and yet he knew he was alive. He could at least count on his parents not killing him. But that fact didn't alleviate his nerves whatsoever because what his parents could potentially be doing to him would be a fate worse than death. The Traveler's haunting words echoed endlessly in his mind with every day that passed that they didn't have word of Lohen.
There are multiple ways to manipulate someone's mind.
Was Lohen even himself anymore? He feared what he would find should they ever do so. Would he even recognize Lohen? Would Lohen recognize him?
The clock struck six in the morning and a servant knocked on the door. “Master Lohen, time to wake up.”
He opened his eyes, and they slowly adjusted to the darkness of the room. Lohen didn't need to think about what he was going to do today, for the plan was already set in stone. He pulled the covers closer, hiding himself from the world. He hardly had any time to himself, and he liked to savor it when he did. His parents were always with him; he's certain they'd even follow him into the bathroom when he showered to make sure he wouldn't somehow drown if they were able to. He loved his parents, but space and independence were concepts completely lost on them.
He sighed and pushed the covers aside. If he wasn't down for breakfast in a certain amount of time, his mother would barge in and “help” him get ready. He was unfortunate enough to experience that once, and that was all he needed to ensure it didn't happen again. Lohen sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Time for another day…
Today's schedule, the same as yesterday and the day before, and then all over again tomorrow and the next day. Ready himself for the day, breakfast with his parents, morning prayer, do some work on bows and then head to the shop, lunch in the shop with his parents, back to working the shop and the occasional bow when there weren't customers, then back to the house and dinner with his parents, and then to bed. The same routine every single day.
He splashed his face with water, and he let it drip down his face. His eyes fell on his own reflection in the mirror, and he put on a smile, but it didn't meet his eyes. But that was fine, his parents only looked at his smile anyway.
He lost track of how long they had been in Sumeru now. It had been so long he didn't even remember where they lived before. Whenever he asked his parents they brushed off the question, saying there was no need to focus on their past life. He dried off his face and put on his clothes set out by the servant. A flowy blouse, with large tassels that hung off his back reminiscent of a cape, and comfortable pants along with his knee high boots. He grabbed his choker off his nightstand and placed it on and went to the dining area. Breakfast was already set, and his parents were waiting for him.
“You took longer than you usually do,” his mother commented as he sat down. “Something wrong, dear?”
He flashed her his smile, “Everything's fine, mom. Nothing to worry about.”
She placed her hand on his, staring at him intently, “If anything is wrong you tell us, all right? No secrets between us.”
He nodded, keeping his thoughts to himself. More accurately, he wasn't allowed secrets. There was this sinking suspicion that his parents were hiding something from him that grew every day.
Lohen finished the meal and headed off to their prayer space. He didn't hold the same beliefs as his parents, but he knew there'd be hell if he didn't do this. So, like everything else, he pretended. He always made sure to finish breakfast before them so he could be in there by himself. He got on his knees and closed his eyes. He didn't pray, wouldn't pray because he felt no need to. He relied on himself, not some god. As his parents came in, he'd be off to the workshop. They worked at their own individual stations, but he could always feel their eyes on him, watching him as he worked. He was only allowed to make the bows, his parents forbade him from touching the arrows. Said he was far too skilled at crafting the bows so why waste time focusing on arrows too. That sounded like an excuse to him.
He got to work, falling into the steps with ease, and the world fell away. The first time he carved a bow, he enjoyed himself, getting to see his work slowly take form into a beautiful creation. But now…he had seen the same bow be created countless times. The only occasional difference being what the customer wanted carved on the bow if they wanted a unique one. But nothing about this job surprised him, nothing exciting happened. It was the same thing every day. And that's how the rest of his life was going to be….
The only enjoyable part of the entire process was how easy it was to lose himself in it. He could put his body on autopilot, his hands practiced and steady, and imagine he was elsewhere. Another place, another life, anything but this mundane existence.
“Lohen!” A hand on his wrist, and he's pulled right back to his reality. His father gazed at him sternly, “You're fidgeting with the knife again.”
He looked down, the blade of the knife was in his hand instead of the hilt. He flipped it back, said a quiet apology, and got back to working. He couldn't explain his tendency to toy with the knife when he worked, it was just another thing his body did on autopilot. Which was quite strange as he couldn't remember ever doing that, but there was something about a knife in his hand that felt familiar…right. Not carving with the knife, no. He had been doing that for years and yet nothing about it felt right to him. But tossing a knife in his hand, the cool blade against the pads of his fingers, felt right in more ways than he could explain.
They finished up and loaded the carriage and headed off to the shop in Port Ormos. It was a short ride, their house overlooking the port. Lohen sat in the back with his mother, staring out at the surroundings they passed by. When they arrived in the port, he helped unload the carriage of the goods. Then, it was back to work again. Their shop had grown quite popular over the years. More and more customers seemed to come in by the day, a lot of them returning ones. His parents had him working on the bows in the back again today. They had him there much more recently, only occasionally calling him to the front for customers. He'd be a fool if he didn't notice all the customers they called him up for were young women that appeared well off.
Lohen sighed deeply, he wasn't interested in that sort of thing. Wasn't interested in, well, women. Besides, he felt like there was already someone for him. He just…couldn't remember who.
He looked at the knife in his hand, flipping it and catching it by the blade with ease. That was another thing he couldn't explain. Another thing he couldn't remember. And there were several other instances as well. Drinking alcohol didn't sit right with him at all, but he couldn't remember the reason why. And his parents would push it on him whenever they drank together, not taking no for an answer.
And then there was the other day. He and his father went to another weapons shop to sell their bows. There was a polearm on the table of weapons and his eyes were drawn to it. As his father talked with the shop owner, he picked it up and it settled easily into his grip. As if he had used one for years. When his father glanced back and saw, he rushed over and took it out his hand before ushering him out the shop to “watch the goods,” which were already inside.
He didn't bother asking his parents about any of it; he knew they wouldn't give him any answers. So he kept it all inside, smiling to keep his parents happy. But no matter how much he smiled, how much he tried to ignore the void he felt inside, he couldn't make himself happy.
His mother came to the back, “Lohen, help your father up front for a moment, won't you?”
Lohen put down the knife, and put on his best smile, “Of course.” He went up front, and as expected there was a young woman. She wore a light purple dress, had several golden pieces of jewelry on her including a crown in her brown hair. Archons….
His father ushered him forward and he snuck off to the back with his mother. He sighed, time to get this over with. He approached the woman. She was looking at the bows, examining them carefully. “Something catch your eye, miss?”
She turned towards him, “Ah, my friend said she was looking to try out some new weapons and my parents recommended this place. Said you guys make the best bows they've ever seen. I don't really know weapons though. What do you think would suit her?”
He placed his hand on his hip and rested his chin on his hand, “What type of weapon does she use?”
“A claymore. The way she fights with it makes it seem as light as a feather, she practically dances with it!” Her eyes lit up as she talked about her friend. A hint of admiration along with something else.
Claymore….dancing…why did that remind him of someone? Ah right, the bow. “If she uses a claymore then a heavier bow would suit her. Were you wanting one custom made?”
She nodded fervently, “Yes, that'd be wonderful! I was thinking some flame designs would be nice.”
He wrote down the details and caught a glance of his parents peeking from the back. Archons, she was just a customer and that's as far as things would go. “Is there a day you'd like this done by?”
“Her birthday is the end of this week so if it could possibly be done before then that'd be great. But, ah, no worries if it can't since this is so close.”
Oh right…his birthday was also this week. Two days away in fact. He hadn't even thought about it. “Don't worry, we'll have it ready by then. Can I have a name for the order?”
“Dunyarzad Homayani.”
He marked her down. “Come back by the shop in three days' time and we'll have it done by then.”
“Yes, I'll be here. Thank you so much!” She waved goodbye as she left and his parents came from the back, eager to hear what he had to say.
He wasn't in the mood though and walked past them to go straight to the back.
“Hold on a second there, Lohen,” his mother called.
He kept walking, “She was nice, a good customer. That's all.” He heard his parents loudly sigh and he went back to work.
The work day was finally done. Dinner was already prepared when they returned, a surprisingly large feast. What did his parents have planned this time? They sat quietly for a few minutes, and Lohen ate quickly to try and avoid whatever potential conversation they wanted to have with him. He wasn't fast enough.
His mother cleared her throat, “So, Lohen, we have something big planned for your birthday. You know that young woman that was in the store today? She's the daughter of the Homayani's, a very wealthy family, and we got in touch with her parents a bit ago and they'll be coming over on your birthday for dinner to see how suited you and Dunyarzad are for marriage.”
“What?” He clenched his fists under the table, shaking with anger. Something inside him burned as his rage grew. They couldn't be serious with this, and on his birthday of all days? He abruptly stood from the table, his chair scraping against the floor.
“Lohen, sit down,” his father ordered, his voice stern.
“I am not going to marry some person I barely know.” He turned to leave, but his mother grabbed his wrist.
“If you're worried about leaving us, that won't be a problem. We already talked with her parents and they're fine with her living with us.”
His eyes widened, and that fire inside grew even more, “Is this something already set in stone?”
Her grip tightened, “Well not quite, but we expect the meeting to go well. And then a marriage within the year.”
He already had someone though. That man he couldn't remember. A face and name that had no owner. Why…why couldn't he remember? “I…I…” I have someone. Someone I already love.
His parents looked at him intently, waiting for his words, just so they could ignore them again. His fists unclenched, the fire extinguishing, and he wrenched his wrist from his mother's grip. “Nothing…” he left without another word, closing himself in his room. What did it matter? They weren't going to listen. Words didn't work with them. He was stuck following their rules and doing what they said for the rest of his life.
This caused his suspicions to grow even more. They were keeping him in the dark about something. He didn't have the slightest guess to what it could be, but with everything that was happening he feared it was something sinister. He had to escape this.
Ortrud looked at her husband, her eyes twitching with annoyance. “Unbelievable! He's still ridiculously stubborn. How much is it going to take to get him to listen?”
Friedrich crossed his arms, unbothered, “He'll come around eventually. He'll realize there's nothing he can do to deter us, and he'll accept and submit to our decisions. It's only a matter of time.”
She lowered her voice to a whisper, “But you know he's been getting suspicious. I know you've seen it. Things aren't adding up in his head, I can see it in his eyes. Should we take him to Ivan again?”
Friedrich waved her off, “No need for that. That will only be necessary if he remembers anything. He's only suspicious right now.”
“And what if he asks about the past again? He'll only get more suspicious if we continue to brush it off.”
“Make up a convincing story.”
She scoffed, “Now you and I both know he won't fall for that. He can see right through a lie.”
“Then tell him the truth, but twist it in a way that benefits us. He doesn't need to know all the gritty details. Just that he was in danger and we got him help.”
That was it. He wouldn't question things if it wasn't a lie. That should get him to cooperate.
They sat around the table, the silence stifling. They were really going through with this. How long was he going to have to sit and bear this? If he was any other person, he'd chug some wine till he felt numb to zone out of everything. But then he'd have even less control of the situation and, Archons forbid, he'd end up agreeing to the marriage. His parents may not listen, but perhaps Dunyarzad's would. Surely they wouldn't marry their daughter off to someone so vehemently opposed to the idea. And just maybe Dunyarzad felt the same way he did.
A quick glance over and he could tell she was enjoying this just as much as he was. Their parents had started talking, sharing embarrassing stories. He wanted to be anywhere else.
Dunyarzad cleared her throat and met eyes with him, “Lohen, why don't we let our parents chat while we take some time to ourselves.” An out, finally. He nodded and accepted her offer immediately. They hooked arms and he took her upstairs to the balcony, and he dreaded the fact that his parents most definitely saw this as him coming on to her.
They separated when they reached the balcony, and they both took a deep breath of the fresh air. They leaned on the rail, looking out at the night sky. “Apologies about this whole thing,” he said without looking at her.
He felt her gaze on him, “Oh, no need for that. My parents have been trying to hook me up with someone ever since Dehya stopped being my bodyguard. They jumped at the chance when your parents approached them.”
Lohen sighed and decided to change the subject. “Dehya? That's your friend, isn't it?”
She blushed at the mention of her, scratching the back of her head, “Oh…yeah…we've been friends for years…”
Just friends?
She got serious again, her brows furrowing, “I should put a stop this. I can't stand this constant juggling act between arranged marriages. I don't want any of these people, I already know who I want. Ah, no offense to you, of course. I'm sure you're a lovely guy, but—”
He didn't expect her to have this kind of fire inside her. He could certainly tell she wanted nothing to do with this, but as for how much she despised the idea, that was in the air until now. He shook his head, “No, don't be. I feel the same way.” He looked down, thinking about the faceless man again, “I also already have someone.”
“Oh, what's his name?”
He blinked. How did—
She answered his surprise with a wink, “It seemed quite clear to me that you didn't have any attraction towards women.”
He recovered, giving a slight smirk, “And you don't seem to be attracted to men. Let me guess? Dehya's your person.”
Her blush deepened, “I'm that obvious, huh? Yeah, she is.”
“The bow's for her, isn't it? I can give it to you tonight. I finished it a day early.”
Her eyes widened, “Already? Wow, that's so impressive! Thank you.”
He waved her off, “It was nothing. Had nothing else to do so got a head start.”
She sighed and fiddled with her fingers. “I wish I had something to give you for your birthday. My parents said to bring nothing because they were told the marriage would be your gift.”
He gripped the rail tight, his knuckles going white. Of course they said that.
Dunyarzad touched his hand, massaging his knuckles. “My parents will call things off if I give them any reason to. Don't worry, this won't go through.” She looked forward, her eyes determined, “And then, I'll tell them the truth. My parents have certainly been controlling in the past, but never to my own detriment.” She held his hand, looking into his eyes, a soft smile on her face, “Anyone that really looks can see you're not happy. I hope things can get better for you. You deserve it.”
Something stirred inside Lohen at her words. A kindling warmth that reached all over. It had been a long time since someone was truly genuine with him. He broke eye contact, looking anywhere else, “Thanks…”
“Oh, right. So, what's the guy's name?”
The wind blew quietly, not disturbing their peace. “I don't remember.”
“Don't remember…?” She quietly repeated.
He shook his head. “I can't remember a name or a face, anything. All I know is there's some man that's important to me, and…there's this void inside me. An endless hole that can't be filled.”
She thought for a second before speaking again, “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I'm friends with Lesser Lord Kusanali. I'm sure she could—”
“No. No gods…”
Her eyes widened at his outburst, but quickly softened to understanding, “Oh, ok. If that's what you want then I won't do anything.”
“Sorry, I just…”
She shook her head, “You have nothing to apologize for. Don't say sorry for having boundaries.” She reached over and hugged him and they stood there motionless for a few moments.
He let himself bask in the comfort. His parents hugged him several times, but he never felt comforted by their embrace. Quite the opposite.
“Right, I'll go and speak to my parents. Tell them we aren't compatible. You're a good guy, Lohen. I hope we can meet again under different circumstances.”
He nodded in agreement, “My parents will give you the bow before you leave.”
She waved goodbye and turned to leave before stopping, “Oh, and Happy Birthday.”
She left to go back downstairs and after several minutes he saw her family leave. Soon after, his parents came to the balcony.
“What happened,” his mother demanded immediately.
He turned towards his parents, “You heard her. We aren't compatible.”
His mother sighed, “Lohen, we've been over this multiple times. Everything we do is to keep you—”
Oh not this spiel again. He wasn't in the mood for this. Not now or ever. He snapped, “Just what is it about the past that you're so afraid of? What is it you're not telling me?”
His parents looked at each other briefly before his mother began again, finally giving him an answer, “It happened some time ago, but you were badly injured. You healed after some time, but not fully and others encouraged you to keep hurting yourself.” She came closer and placed her hand on his shoulder, “So, we made a decision. We took you to a doctor in order to fully heal you and then left the place behind and came to Sumeru to keep you safe from harm and those that encouraged danger.”
He looked between his parents, observing their expression and demeanor. How…how was this possible? He didn't sense a lie at all. No, that couldn't be right. “That…that still doesn't explain why I can't remember certain things. Why my body can remember things while my mind doesn't?”
“A side effect of the procedure the doctor did on you was that you'd forget some things. But you would be healed, and that's what mattered.”
No lie again. Was he just…paranoid…all this time? He looked down, his thoughts swimming. All this time he thought his parents were hiding something sinister from him, but they really were just keeping him safe…
“I…” he swallowed hard and forced the words out, “I'm sorry I doubted you.”
“Now, no need to be upset.” His parents enveloped him in a hug, and he stood there motionless, accepting it. “Remember, Lohen, we only want what's best for you.”
Weeks passed since he found out the truth. But nothing had changed. His life was still the same.
He carved away at the bow, his body moving on autopilot. He almost wished things were different. That his parents were hiding some sinister truth from him, but his memory loss was simply a side effect of them trying to help him.
So why, why was it that he still felt this way after learning the truth. He thought he'd be able to come to terms with living this way after, but instead he only felt worse. Everything he did was on autopilot now. Carving, dealing with customers, living. He was becoming an unfeeling doll, nothing mattering to him anymore. He couldn't go on like this.
Lohen caught a glimpse of his blade and he noticed a streak of red. He stopped carving and looked at his blade. The red liquid trickled down, dripping onto the table. It was blood, his blood. He noticed his right hand then, a large cut was splayed across his palm. He put the blade down and examined his hand. He was mesmerized by the sight, something about it was so…pleasing to look at. He placed a finger on his palm next to the wound and pressed down, and lightning shot through him. His eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. This was…thrilling. Blood slowly gushed from the wound as he pressed down and a stinging pain tingled down his hand. But it felt…nice.
“Lohen, your hand!” His mother's hands were on him in an instant, wrapping up the wound and pulling him away from his station without another word.
He coughed, containing himself, “Ah, sorry. I got so lost in my work that I didn't even notice.”
She finished wrapping his hand and gripped him by his shoulders. “You have to be more careful than that. What if you cut your finger off?”
He nodded, his mind already drifting off again, “I know, mom. I'll be careful. No need to worry.” She let him go and they both returned to their carvings. All he thought about as he carved was how the pain made him feel. And an idea began forming in his mind.
Lohen quietly left his room once he was certain his parents were asleep. He went down to the kitchen and took one of the bottles of Dandelion Wine they had before making his way to the bow making room. He would have to make this cut more hidden so his parents wouldn't notice. He pulled up his sleeve and took his carving knife and cut himself. It wasn't a deep cut, he wanted to still use his arm, after all. But it was deep enough to feel the stinging pain. He took a rag to the wine bottle and doused it with the liquid. Without any hesitation, he placed it on the cut. The pain was instantaneous, and he held his hand over his mouth to suppress the sounds. But he wasn't screaming, no the pain was exhilarating. His eyes shook with pure bliss, and his breathing quickened as his face heated up. For the first time in a while he felt alive.
The wind was quiet as he strummed his harp under the tree in Windrise. There was a deep sorrow within the city, and even he was struggling to raise his children's spirits. The wind picked up, blowing the nearby dandelions across the field. Something else was carried by the wind, memories with a slight familiarity to them. He took hold of them from the wind, coalescing them into a small globe with the power of anemo. “Oh, child of Mondstadt, lost from your home. Your dear family misses you and wishes you a safe return. Wherever you may be, know that I shall keep your memories safe till you make your return.”