Chapter Text
I don't— what?!
I mean, I've— I didn't mean to come here, I just— I got distracted when I was— he can practically hear her weaselly little voice, crying in the back of his head. Shit, I didn't know about the brain scans, I swear, I'm sorry!
The brain sc… you're a new character?
I-I-I— I don't even know. I've got like all of your memories. I remember when I came here the first time a few years back, I was- I was— did you just get stuck here the whole time? Have you seriously been in here for like, five years?!
Wait, you're saying— you're the one who— you're— wait, is this your body?!
I dunno, I guess?
Why the hell am I in your body? Why did you make me look like—? Like this?! You're lucky no one's gone and clocked you yet!
I don't know! I don't know how this works! I literally just got here like two days ago!
Okay. Look, I— ugh. Jax runs a hand through his hair (if anything, it's nice to be able to do that again), trying to take deep breaths. We've got ten minutes before Pomni comes in like a wrecking ball, and we're gonna deal with all of that, so can you stop freaking out and just work with me here?
Sorry for being a little confused!
Oh, you're confused?! He has to laugh at her. You know, I was pretty sure I was dead or in prison out there when I went and abstracted. I'm doing a pretty good job keeping it together, considering everything! Especially since I just died and came back to life!
She gasps, and goes silent. He can tell he's said something wrong, but he has no idea what it is. He tries to prod at her the best he can, but she's not saying anything. He can feel his time starting to run out, and it's making him antsy.
You're me, he states, trying to wrap his head around it. He'd never even thought about what would happen if someone put the headset on again, especially not him. He'd only come to the building to have a dry place to sleep for the night, although it's hard to remember the mentality he'd had when he put it on. We're not homeless anymore?
We aren't, she replies, softly. She sounds a lot more timid and unsure than he does, and it makes his skin prickle with discomfort. He's not supposed to sound like that anymore. He hasn't in years.
And you're a…
Only with a few friends, she says. Not everybody. Feels stupid when I'm not— you know. So I get why you don't want to tell 'em about it.
What about Mom? He needs to know, even though he knows it's bad for him. Although he knows it wouldn't make a lot of sense for him to have… the question has still haunted him for years.
She doesn't answer. His chest feels tight.
Oh, I— did I actually—
No, she says.
That answers pretty much all of his immediate questions. Trying to think about the whole situation is making him feel dizzy, although it has helped a little with identifying how he's been feeling.
I can't tell them about this if I'm gonna call you she, he says, laying it out plainly. I don't want them thinking I'm some kind of—
Then don't, she says. Don't take this from me.
It's easier if you don't even try, he insists. He's had years to hone his indifference.
No it isn't.
Defensive anger flares in his stomach. She doesn't have the goddamn right to be so firm and confident about this, not when she doesn't get it, when she apparently has accepting people out there that haven't pushed her away for being such a- a—
She scoffs at him indignantly. Okay.
Her presence immediately disappears. He's been left alone again.
It's so quiet, in the circus. The little glimpses of her (much happier) life have been the only things he's been subsisting upon in his misery, and when he tries to call upon them again, it's like they're out of his reach. Like she's hiding from him on purpose now.
Well, good for her. He'd hide from himself too, if he could.
(God, what is his life?)
Pomni, as stated, gives him his ten minutes before hunting him down. She has to grab his wrist and help him up, because he can't get up on his own (awful, it's awful), and she's watching him with big, concerned eyes as he sways in place. He's not even trying to hide it anymore.
"I got Zooble to leave," she says.
Jax can't tell if she's trying to blame Zooble for their argument or not. He doesn't really care. He blinks slowly at the floor, wrung out and numb from his panic attack, and the revelation that'd followed it.
"I'm sorry for being so clingy," Pomni continues, becoming increasingly more concerned at his unresponsiveness, "and for yelling at you. I did that first and you kinda didn't deserve it. I- I don't know what got into me."
Jax doesn't answer. She shrinks back, and when he glances up, he can see the frustration and self-loathing on her face. He's admittedly a little upset with her, but not to the point where he wants to see her chastising herself for it. He wishes he could bring himself to speak, but he feels like his body is barely working at all.
"Do you just… wanna go back to the tent?" Pomni asks.
Jax can only manage a shrug. The dizziness is back in a wave. He's going to fall over if he tries to keep pushing it (at least he kind of did what he'd set out to do, seeing how hard he could push himself), so it's probably good for him to go lay down.
Pomni sighs, and lets go of his wrist, backing away and waving for him to follow, and he does. Or, well— he tries.
He only manages to take three shaking steps forward, before the fatigue finally wins, and he stumbles and collapses forward on the floor. He doesn't manage to throw his arms out in time, so he twists and hits his side, and cries out as it lights up in pain that's way too intense for something in the circus. Caine had repeatedly mauled and disfigured him, and it hadn't felt like this.
Pomni whips around, her eyes wide with shock. "Shit!" she gasps, rushing to his side.
He tries to get up, but his body isn't cooperating with him. Pomni drops down to her knees, hovering nervously, like she's not sure if she's allowed to touch him. He doesn't like the look on her face, but he can barely move, much less speak.
"Okay, uh… I don't know if I can help you," she admits. "I don't know if you're gonna make me glitch, I-I— I should go get— Caine or Kinger, maybe? They can probably help."
God, please don't, he wants to complain, but it only comes out in the form of a croaking wheeze. She's appearing more and more alarmed the longer he goes without talking. Shame makes him feel like he's flushing down to his neck.
"I'll be right back," Pomni says, leaping back to her feet. She puffs her chest out and curls her hands into fists. "Don't move."
He glares at her, but she isn't looking at him. He watches her dart off and turn a corner, and hears her fading voice ring out, as she calls for help.
He doesn't want help. He needs to get up on his own.
Jax wriggles, managing to shoot his arm out, and brace it against the floor. He groans as he shakily heaves himself up, biting down on his tongue as he tries not to cry out. His knee slides forward as he sits up.
He's too far from the block he'd been hiding behind to use it as leverage, so standing feels like a futile effort. It's still worth a try, though, so he moves to plant one of his feet flat against the ground, and makes a sharp sound of agony as his back lights up. He finds the momentum to get to his feet, and stumbles his way upright.
For a moment, he just stands there and sways. He wipes at his eyes, even though he hasn't really been crying, and tries to breathe the best he can. Then he turns on his heel, and hobbles his way back towards the fort on his own.
At least no one's here to see him limp like this. It's the only benefit of collapsing like that.
His head is spinning. He nearly falls over as he makes it through the entrance of the fort, but he manages to keep himself on his feet. Falling onto his mattress is the best feeling in the world, and he pulls his blankets around himself and burrows himself in, panting and trying not to cry with both relief and shame.
It's still so quiet in his head. She hasn't said a single thing to him since he'd snapped at her, and it's really starting to grate on him.
He can hear shouting outside of the fort, but he doesn't care. At least he made it on his own.
Jax doesn't fall asleep, but he's so out of it for a while that it doesn't change anything. He can hear a plethora of voices, hushed discussion, and at some point someone's touching and moving him, but he may as well be dead to the world.
Eventually he fades back in, like he always does. It feels like he keeps ending up at the same place he started, aching and out of it and being tended to like a hospice patient. He'd been so certain that proving he could walk around would change things.
Pomni isn't there when he opens his eyes, but he doesn't panic like last time. Kinger's here again, talking to Zooble close to the entrance. They both seem pretty invested in their weird, whispered conversation, so he decides not to interrupt them.
Hey, he calls in his head. You just gonna give me the silent treatment forever, or what?
She doesn't respond.
Not even gonna give me a name to call you? 'My body' sounds a little parasitic, doesn't it?
Nothing.
Fine. Whatever. Seriously, is this how Pomni feels with him? No wonder she's been so miserable.
It's a little easier to pull off the sheets and sit up this time, which is progress. Unfortunately all the shuffling around invites the attention of his visitors, which is much less welcome.
"Hey—" Zooble starts.
"How long I been out?" he asks, cutting them off. He rubs at his eyes.
"Oh, only a few hours," Kinger says. "Although you scared Pomni something fierce. We've only now gotten her to take a break."
"Yeah. The only way we could get her to calm down was by promising to take shifts," Zooble adds, "so you're gonna have to put up with us for a while."
Jax squints at them blearily. "Thought she was mad at you."
"She got over it," Zooble says, with a roll of their eyes. "You have her sleeping on the couch. She couldn't even sleep in her room."
They walk over to sit down on Pomni's mattress. Kinger stays where he is, hovering uncertainly.
"You wanna talk about why you ran off like that," Zooble asks, "or are you gonna be all frustrating about it?"
"Oh, is this an intervention?" Jax snaps back, already defensive. "That why you brought wise 'ole Kinger here? Trying to pry my problems outta me again?"
"No," Zooble states, calmly. "He's here because we're watching that."
They gesture down at his torso. Jax blinks and looks down—only now realizing he isn't wearing his hoodie anymore—and then he recoils at the long, dark gash stretched out on his side. It's beginning to arc off of him in little wisps. There's a debilitating, full-bodied ache there. It feels tender when he pokes at it, like an open wound, and he grimaces.
"Oh," he grumbles. "Great."
"That's what happens when you push it," Zooble says, firmly. "You're on bed rest until that goes away."
"How long is that gonna take?" he grinds out.
"We don't know," Kinger says, sadly. "Something similar happened when you'd had your first seizure. It went away much faster than this."
Jax glares at both of them, trying to express his distaste for the situation, but they don't seem deterred. He tries to pull his knees to his chest, but the braces make it difficult to bend his legs that much, so he moves to pull up his pant legs take them off. Zooble watches him the whole time, seeming pleasantly surprised.
"Those are new," they comment.
"Yeah," Jax spits out. Anger is an easier feeling to express than shame. "Kinger's idea. Take it up with him."
"Were they a good help to you?" Kinger asks. "Considering you collapsed—"
"Do we really have to talk about that?" Jax complains. "Yeah, they helped. I didn't lie to you. I didn't feel bad when I fell over, so I don't know why it happened. That what you wanna hear?"
"You don't know?" Zooble asks incredulously.
Jax looks them in the eyes as he shrugs, so it doesn't look like he's lying, even though he is. Realistically, it had to do with the fatigue, and the pain, and the fact that he'd just learned there was a crybaby girl version of him in his head (or maybe it's more like he's possessing her), and she might have just decided to hate him forever now — but all of these are things he doesn't want to tell anyone about. He's going to stand his ground on this.
"Just as in the dark as you are," he says, "but if you're gonna nag me about staying in bed, I guess I will. Congrats, you win."
"You don't have to be so difficult about about this," Zooble retorts. "We're not judging you."
"I'm not being difficult, I'm just being honest," Jax drawls sarcastically, scrunching his brows together as he grins, "maybe those things just go hand in hand with me."
"I don't know why I'm surprised," Zooble huffs. "At least you're feeling good enough to bitch at me about it."
"Little mercies, aye?"
"I wouldn't call it that."
Kinger finally approaches. Jax's ears flatten warily as he moves to sit down with them, although he keeps his distance. Although he's usually pretty good at hiding it, he's not used to him lucid. It's a little harder to confront without Pomni around, for some reason.
"Considering abstraction is a mental problem," Kinger says, "you might have fallen because of the anxiety attack you had. Stress is probably going to worsen it."
Jax recoils.
"Don't call it— it wasn't—"
"That's how Pomni described it to me," Kinger says. "I'm not going to ask you to talk about it, if you don't want to."
"Yeah, shit happens," Zooble agrees. "We're not gonna hold it against you. I'd say you've earned it a little, considering the situation."
Jax doesn't answer, because there's nothing to say. He only glares at them, trying to express all of the disgust and judgement he currently feels without speaking. It's probably not working, because they don't even look a little guilty.
"We don't have to keep talking," Zooble says, "but we're not leaving."
Jax harrumphs like a bratty toddler.
"Sucks that you have to sit around and stare at me," he grumbles, deciding to settle on pushing it aside, so they can't see how affected he is. "Not trying to chase you off or anything, just sounds like kind of a drag."
"It sucks even more to be stuck in bed all day," Zooble refutes. "Trust me, I know what that's like, I know it's miserable. It'd be shitty to leave you alone to lay around here, even if you weren't on abstraction watch."
Jax snorts. "I'm not planning on abstracting any time soon."
"Not what I'm saying," Zooble says, crossing their arms. "We don't know if it's possible for you to do it on accident, and we don't want to take a chance and be wrong. Take it up with Pomni if you want alone time."
He sighs. "But she's so stubborn," he groans. "I'm gonna be so bored."
"There are some activities you can do in bed," Kinger comments. "It might be better if you had something fun to do, especially if this is connected to your mental state."
Jax latches onto the offer, even though he's still very embarrassed about the whole anxiety attack comment, and he's going to hold that grudge for a while.
"Okay, sure," he says. "You got any suggestions that aren't like, reading or somethin'?"
Kinger visibly takes a moment to consider it. "I could go and get a board game for you," he ends up with. "How about you two play some Battleship?"
Jax scoffs. "You can't be serious."
They end up playing Battleship, but only because there isn't much else to do.
"B-1."
"Hit. Knocked my cruiser. Great. D-4?"
"Miss."
"You've gotta be— are you just lying to me at this point? Are you just moving 'em around so I can't hit you? Is that what this is?"
"Hey, pay attention, it's my turn. C-2."
"I'm gonna kill you. I swear if you're cheating— Don't look at me like— okay, fine! Hit! Destroyer! You win, congrats!"
Despite them not having a mouth, he can practically see Zooble's smug grin. It's mocking him. He bristles angrily at them.
"I had no idea you were this much of a sore loser," they say, amused. "Thought you'd be a little more put together than that."
"You know, when you lose like six times in a row, you start to get a little frustrated," Jax complains. "You're just getting lucky. It's literally a game where you guess blindly."
"Uh-huh," Zooble says, disbelieving. "It was three times, by the way. Start setting up, we'll do it again."
Jax obeys, but he grumbles the whole way through. Kinger's laughing softly at him, and it's making him seriously contemplate beaning him with one of the pieces. Or maybe the whole board, depending on how he's feeling.
"I'll let you go first," Zooble says.
"Thought we agreed the winner of the last round goes first."
"Yeah, well, I feel bad for you, so we can change that rule."
"Don't take pity on me— fine. I dunno, A-3?"
"Miss. Sorry."
"Whatever god is up there hates me," Jax groans. "Can we just play something else? I'd destroy you at chess."
"Didn't know you played chess," Zooble says. "F-3."
"Hit my carrier," Jax sighs, taking it off the board. "And yeah, I can play chess. Guess I'm full of surprises."
"Doesn't feel like your style."
"I'm practically a master at it. E-7."
Zooble raises a judgemental brow at him. "That's bullshit," they say. "I'm calling your bluff on that, there's no way you're actually good at chess. You're too impatient for that. Got my cruiser, by the way."
"I swear I am!"
"No you're not."
No we're not, the voice says, in agreement. It's the first time she's spoken up in hours.
Jax scoffs, offended. "It's like I'm being judged in stereo."
"Huh?"
"Nothing. Your move, Zoobie."
Look who finally decided to come out of her cave, he snarls, only now realizing how hurt he's been by her absence. What's with the silent treatment, huh?
I didn't wanna argue with you, she replies softly.
Zooble rolls their eyes. "If you say so. G-4."
I wasn't arguing with you, he hisses back, I was just— sorry. Ugh, sorry.
"Oops! You missed."
I didn't want to sit around and hear you call me a freak.
"Yeah, I don't know what I was expecting," Zooble says. "You pretty much never put any pieces on G."
I mean, I guess you're not. I'm not really you, it's kinda your business how you wanna be. I just don't know how I'd break it to everybody.
Jax blinks. "Wait, is that how you're winning?"
Pretty sure you are me? You said it first.
"You have your favorite tactics," Zooble says, dismissively. "It gets easy to guess after a while."
I mean, I've been in here for years. We're different people.
Jax sucks in an affronted gasp. "That's gotta count as cheating, right?" He looks to Kinger. "That counts?"
Don't know how it changes this. I knew back then.
Kinger raises his hands placatingly. "Hey, I'm not the referee here," he chuckles. "That's up to both of you."
Doesn't matter. I got over it. I moved on.
Zooble cocks their head to the side, unbothered. "I don't think it counts, man. It's your own fault for being repetitive."
Well… wish I could say the same, I guess.
"Repetitive," Jax repeats, finding himself weirdly offended. "I can switch it up just to spite you. You don't know me."
"Isn't it your turn?" Zooble asks.
Jax groans. "You're cheating. Can we start over?"
There's movement at the entrance of the fort that catches Jax's attention. He softens as Pomni drifts into view, waving at him awkwardly. Gangle's trailing her, equally nervous, stealing glances at him and hunching into herself. The sight of her immediately puts him on edge.
"Pomni," Kinger breathes, immediately getting up. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah," she says. "Napping helped a little. I'm okay. How's the abstraction stuff?"
Kinger and Zooble's eyes both land on him, and he jumps. He's been laying on his good side, propping himself up on the pillows. The wound has slowly been shrinking over time, but it's still pretty glaring.
"Getting smaller every minute," Kinger ends up saying. "I don't know how long it'll take, but having something to do has been helping."
Jax shrugs in dismissive agreement. He doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Pomni sighs in relief. "That's good," she says. "What are you guys doing?"
"Battleship," Zooble answers. "We couldn't think of anything else."
"Please save me," Jax says. "I'm so sick of Battleship."
Zooble leans forward and bops him harmlessly on the shoulder. "Hey, we'll play chess next time," they say, "you're the one who said you were good at it."
Jax's mouth twists uncertainly. He does not want to watch Zooble kick his ass in chess. "Can't we just play, like, Candyland? Do we have that?"
"Feels like a weird thing to play with two people," they say, packing up the board. "Maybe once you're better, you can join in some of the group stuff. Not the D&D though, you don't seem like the type."
"Sounds lame."
"Exactly." Zooble gets to their feet. "You want me to stick around, or do you two need some space to talk about everything?"
Jax doesn't respond, because he's not sure.
"We probably do," Pomni says, speaking up for him. "Thanks for hanging out with him."
"Is it really that much of a chore?" Jax asks.
Pomni frowns. "Not what I meant, I just—"
"It's not," Zooble says, talking over her. "You're fun to talk to when you're not being an asshole on purpose."
Jax blinks. He's surprised to hear them so direct with him. He feels a wave of longing and grief that isn't his own, but the voice doesn't say a word, nor take over again.
It's barely a compliment, he snaps. They're probably also, like, lying to make me feel better.
I don't think they are, she responds, but doesn't elaborate.
"I'll leave you guys to it," Zooble says, waving them a goodbye. "Come on, Kinger."
"Right," Kinger agrees.
They pass by Pomni, as she tentatively steps into the fort. Jax watches Zooble approach Gangle, who's still hovering at the entrance. They launch into a tense, hushed conversation, conspicuously glancing at him.
All he catches is you don't have to talk to him, which makes his cheeks flush with shame. He tries not to make it obvious that he's noticed it, because he doesn't really have the right to act insulted about it.
Pomni waits for everyone to leave, before she sits down on her mattress. She's avoiding Jax's gaze, like she's ashamed of herself, and it makes him move to sit up, even though it makes his bones creak.
"You don't have to push yourself," she opens with.
"I'm fine," Jax mumbles. "What's goin' on?"
"Is it that obvious I'm freaked out?" she laughs, rubbing the back of her neck. "I— I just feel bad. I don't know if you were all there when I apologized the first time. I was… I shouldn't have argued with you like that. I know you deserve your space."
"Could tell you were also out of it," Jax says. "I'm not that mad."
"But you're still a little mad?" Pomni prods.
Jax's eyes dart away. He doesn't want to start a fight with her, and he doesn't want to talk about the whole situation going on his head, not when he's still struggling to come to terms with it himself.
"I guess," he ends up saying. "Thought I made it kinda clear why, I dunno. Sorry for yelling at you too, by the way."
He knows Pomni's watching him. He closes his eyes, trying not to look too nervous about it, but he's not really in control of his face right now.
"Do you really wanna go back to your room?" Pomni asks. "Like, really?"
"Not if it messes you up this bad," Jax answers. "Not really what I'm going for, I get why you're being clingy. I just… I was dead like, two days ago. Maybe three, I don't even know. Feels like everyone's being all— normal about it. I'm kinda struggling to keep up, here."
"We're trying to be normal about it so you don't freak out," Pomni says. "It's a really big deal to everyone, I swear."
"That's not what I meant." Jax wrings his hands. "I… I don't know. Just trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel about it."
"About… being alive?"
"Guess so," he admits. "It's not like I'm planning on running off and abstracting again. I don't— I guess I wanna stick around a little. I did regret it, I guess? I know you already know that. I mean…"
He's trying to really undersell it, but he's not sure it's working. How is he supposed to start, without revealing everything going on in his head?
"I don't know," he says. "I could probably deal with it if everything went back to how it was before, without me being— you know. I just don't know if it can. Everybody— they saw me like that. I can't tell how they feel about me coming back, it's…" He shrugs.
"It's all really complicated," Pomni says. "Nobody wants you dead, though. If that means anything. We're all happy you're not dead anymore."
"Uh-huh?"
"I… I guess I'm worried." Pomni's voice strains like a rubber band. "I keep thinking that the second I look away, you're gonna just be- be— and I know I should trust you, I'm supposed to. But last time I did, I— I don't know how to stop being so— it's just hard."
Would it have been better if he never came back at all? He can't tell.
"Hey, if it's really gonna freak you out, I can stay here for a little longer," Jax tells her. "You can keep taking shifts if you're really stressed about it, or whatever."
"It was really hard to walk away," Pomni sighs. "I feel like I'm the only one who… I kept it together for so long, when- when you were gone, because I wanted to be the one to take care of you. I don't want that to change."
"I'm not your pet goldfish," Jax says, with a little more bite than he probably should have. He finds the idea just... repulsive. "You don't have to 'take care' of me."
"Sorry. That… does sound weird, huh?" She wipes at her eyes. He hadn't realized she'd been tearing up. "You should probably have space to process this. I don't want to be selfish about it."
Jax decides not to challenge her on that. He doesn't know if it'd be better to agree or disagree. Despite his shame, he does miss his room a little. But Pomni— he doesn't want to hurt her. He's not supposed to. He can't deny how much she cares for him anymore, and how unflinching her devotion has been, despite his bluster and bite.
"You're not going to abstract again," Pomni whispers, "right? You promise?"
"Yeah," Jax says. At the moment, he's pretty sure he's not going anywhere. Abstracting sucked. He does understand why he's on thin ice with her, though.
"And you'll tell me if your… you know," she gestures to his side, at the gash pulsing darkness like steam, "if that gets worse?"
"No reason not to," he says. He's not sure if it's going to end up a lie or not. If he's careful, it doesn't have to be one.
Pomni takes a deep breath. "Okay," she says. "I should… probably let you go back to your room, then, or— if that's what you want. But you have to talk to me. This can't be like before. You have to seriously promise me that."
"Yeah yeah, I swear," he insists. "Don't psyche yourself out."
"And… you didn't mean to push yourself earlier, right?"
"Nope," Jax lies. "Just kinda happened. Braces are good for me, though, so I'll keep wearing 'em." For the time being. "Kinger can back me up on that."
"Okay, okay," Pomni breathes, like she's trying to calm herself down. "We're gonna have to wait for that to go away, and I don't know how long that's gonna take. Unless you want Kinger to bridal carry you to your room. Or Zooble, maybe."
Jax's face scrunches up in disgust. It makes her laugh, albeit weakly.
"You gonna demolish the fort?" he asks, refusing to riff off that. "It is kinda nice in here. Maybe we could use it for something."
"I don't want to," she agrees. "I've… kinda been sleeping in here for months. We'll find something to do with it…"
She trails off. Jax tilts his head at her curiously, and she ducks to avoid his gaze, squeezing her eyes shut with a ragged breath. When she opens them, they're shimmering with unshed tears.
"Oh," he wheezes. "Uh—"
"I'm sorry," Pomni whispers. "I was— I was so worried. I'm being— can I just—?"
He doesn't know how to handle this.
"Yeah," he says. "Sure."
She nods jerkily, stands, and then pulls him into her arms. She's standing while he's sitting, so she has the height over him, pressing her face into his hair and breathing raggedly. He goes limp in her hold, unsure of how to handle it.
He blinks. There are tears in his eyes. He's not sure if they're his or not.
"I'm really happy you're alive," Pomni says, in a high, trembling voice. "I missed you so much. It was— sometimes I thought— every time I realized I thought I'd never see you again, it— I couldn't take it. I couldn't. I'm really glad you're back."
Slowly, Jax begins to wind his arms around her torso.
Even though I'm like this now? he thinks, but he isn't courageous enough to voice it. If it'd just been her—he doesn't even know her name, she hasn't even given him one—would she have been reacting like this?
"It's okay if it's hard," Pomni says. "Please just stay with me. I need you."
"Okay," he whispers, in a voice so small it doesn't feel like his. He's scared by her intensity, more than the prospect of being alive indefinitely. Okay is the only thing he can think to say. His head is starting to feel fuzzy again.
Hey, the voice says. It's Lilly.
Jax startles. Pomni tenses. Maybe she's expecting him to pull away, but he doesn't.
You just pick that out or what? he asks.
I've had it for a while, Lilly answers. She sounds sheepish, like this is something she was scared to bring up. I— I went by something else before. But I always thought about changing it to that. I think it's… nice.
Kinda basic, he comments, but it's not even a negative observation. He's a little distracted.
Well, you wanted a name, she says. You've got one.
Wait, do you remember your old one? Jax asks. He isn't given a verbal response, but she basically signals a telepathic shrug at him, which explains… nothing. Alright.
"You okay?" Pomni asks.
"I just realized," he mumbles, lethargically. "You knew your name."
Pomni sniffles, and huffs out a laugh. "You're only bringing that up now?"
"Hey, everything's jumbled right now," he defends. "It's kinda hard to— I'm remembering stuff little by little."
"Caine told us," she explains. "It was a whole thing. We… saw our social media, and stuff. We saw you, too. You know, how you were out there. You're not dead or anything, if you're wondering."
"Huh. Really?" he asks, even though he already knows this. "And how was I, exactly?"
"Happy," Pomni says, simply. It coaxes a brand new wave of tears out of her, like the idea makes her ridiculously emotional. She pulls him even closer, clutching onto him like she's scared to let go.
Tears streak down Lilly's face. She's crying before she can think to restrain herself. Pomni's breath trembles when she notices.
She clutches the back of Pomni's shirt, and presses her face against her collarbone, shaking violently. She thinks that she's going to come apart.
I wish! she wails, in the privacy of her own mind, where nobody but Jax can hear her.
"Hey, hey," Pomni whispers, trying to soothe her. "I've got you." She speaks with complete conviction, even though she really, really doesn't.