Chapter Text
Grace sends Adrian away in the morning. They'd offered to stay, to keep him company while he tries to find things to fill his day, things that won't do him harm or drive him any closer to madness. But Grace knows what he needs to do today. It's an endeavor he has to take on his own. Grace sends them away with a human hug and a promise that he'll do his very best to enjoy the day until they return.
He can't avoid it any longer. He doesn't want to. For once, he wants to go headfirst into a challenge that terrifies him. Grace would rather fail while trying than keep running away.
He brings the notebook out to the shore with him this time, so he can sit in Rocky's work while he does this. He can admire everything Rocky's done for him, the wonder of Eridian engineering and that stubborn insistence to do the impossible for him. Grace might just be the luckiest guy in the universe to have a soulmate like this.
Rocky,
New word for you, pal. Alcoholic. It's what I am. I'm sure you can find much better explanations for it on your laptop that will get into the science and psychology of it all, but what matters is that I haven't been my best. I've been having a hard time adjusting to life on Erid and instead of trusting you or doing anything to help, I just fell back into my worst habits. I drank too much, I pushed people away, I said terrible, nasty things to you. I didn't know how to make sense of how I was hurting, so I passed it on to anyone I could. I'm sick and I think I have been for longer than I realized, but that doesn't excuse how I treated you.
I'm sorry. More than you could ever know. You're my best friend. You're more than that. You're a part of me. Sometimes I think you are me. There's no more Grace without Rocky and when I hurt myself, I hurt you, too. I'm sorry I didn't see that and I'm sorry I was too selfish to care. I've been hurting recently, but that doesn't make it any better. I know you would have done anything you could. You tried! But I wasn't ready yet. I'm sorry I hurt you on the way there.
I'm done drinking. I got rid of it all. It's possible I'll ask for it again someday. I hope I won't, but it's always a possibility. If I do, I need you to not let me. And I know it's not fair of me to ask. It's awful, the way I treated you and I'm still asking for more. But I need you, Rocky. Trying to figure this out on my own was my first mistake. I want to get sober and stay sober and I want to do it for you. But I might need you to hold me to it.
You deserve much more than what I've given you so far, buddy. I want to give you what you deserve. I want to be the guy you think I am. The brave version of me. I want to get better for me, because that's important, too, but you're what makes me want to stick to it. You're everything to me. I'm sorry I wasn't always the best at showing it.
Whenever you're ready, I'd love to see you again. I'd love to talk things out and spend time together like we used to. I miss you so, so much. You built me a beautiful house, but it's not a home without you.
I understand if you don't want to see me. If you never wanted to see me again, I understand. I know I messed up bad. I know this is probably a pretty half-baked apology compared to all of that. But I'll be here if you're ever ready. And I will be for the rest of my life. I'll keep working on getting better. For you, pal. If you have it in you to try to forgive me, I'm always here. It would be everything to me to have you back in any way you could. I love you. With all of me. And I'm sorry for how everything went down.
Your Grace
It takes him longer than it should to write. He stumbles over words, thinks everything over more than he should. He wants it to be perfect. It never will be. Anything is better than what he's done so far. Grace knows that. It doesn't make it any easier to get the words out.
He cries a few times. Has to stop and put his notebook down to just cry into his hands and let himself feel the ache. A few days ago, he would have run from this to the bottom of the nearest bottle. It might have helped with the pain for a few hours, but he knows it's better to suffer through it. He can't ever hope to escape it if he doesn't feel it.
Grace doesn't love the letter he settles on. He was never going to love it. He's a scientist, not a poet. He was never going to be able to put into words how much he regrets his actions, just like there was never any hope of getting anywhere close to describing how deeply and completely his love for Rocky runs. Not to mention, Grace is writing English words on human paper. He'd considered trying his hand at Eridian, carving it out onto one of the malleable tablets he has laying around, but his Eridian is elementary at best and he didn't want to risk getting the message muddied in translation. Another burden he's passing along to Rocky.
It'll have to do, though. Grace isn't going to keep putting this off in search of perfection that's never going to come. That hadn't done him any good on Earth and it won't do him any good here either. He just hopes it'll be enough. Just a chance, that's all he wants. An opportunity to at least try to make things better.
Grace is waiting by the airlock when Adrian comes through. He'd gotten a protective layer of xenonite on Rocky's letter and he has it neatly folded and ready to go. His hands are shaking as he holds it out to Adrian.
"Hey! Would you be able to deliver this to Rocky for me? Tell him he doesn't have to respond. He doesn't even have to read it if he doesn't want to. But I really want him to at least have it," Grace explains.
Adrian takes it, of course. "Would you like me to take it after you sleep? Or deliver it and return?"
"No, it's okay." Grace shakes his head. He doesn't want to make Adrian run back and forth like a delivery service. No more than they already do. They've done more than enough for him. "Take it to him and stay, if he wants. I'll ask someone from the team to watch me sleep tonight. I'd rather he gets that as soon as possible."
"You always say you'll ask someone from the team and you never do. Will you actually do it this time?" Adrian asks.
"I will. Pinkie promise."
Grace demonstrates how a pinkie promise works and does a poor approximation of it with one of their claws. He feels like he might throw up as he watches them go. His stomach is in absolute knots thinking about Rocky on the other end of this. It's out of his hands now. He's done what he can and he just has to hope it'll be enough. He really, really hopes it's enough.
True to his word, he reaches out to his team and asks one of them to watch him sleep. He asks if they'd be willing to come into the dome to watch from his house instead of just through cameras or tracking his vitals, even if it's sort of mortifying. They send one of the engineers in charge of his lightning, someone Grace has met a handful of times, but never even bothered to have a conversation with. Grace calls them Krissy.
They chat for a while before he falls asleep. Krissy has lived near the space elevator their whole life and before the Blip-A's return, had been hopping from field to field in search of something to dedicate their life to. Grace can't help but smile at hearing them gush about what an exciting project it was to perfect lighting for an alien with a sense almost indecipherable to Eridians. He's reminded of the early days of the project, when the end of the world was far away enough that Grace could let himself just enjoy the thrill of discovery.
Krissy has three mates and two clutches of pebbles. They tell Grace all about them, the trouble they cause and the big personalities they're growing into. Grace tells them about some of his students in return. They go back and forth a while, sharing stories of home until Grace can't run from sleep anymore. The anxiety of knowing Rocky's out there, maybe reading his letter and maybe not, still hums beneath the surface, but it's a better night than he could have expected.
To think, there's a whole planet full of people like this and he gave up after only scratching the surface.
***
Grace wakes up in a good mood. He's nervous about what'll come of Rocky and there's still a part of him that wants to just give in to the temptation of making everything numb again, yes, but that fades into the background, easy enough to ignore in light of his good mood.
Krissy is still there, of course, as loyal a watcher as any Eridian. They bid him a polite farewell before his breakfast and Grace sends them away with a request to say hello to their family on his behalf and a promise that they can meet up again someday soon to talk more about light. Grace had just about broken their brain trying to explain rainbows to them the night before.
It's nice. It makes him feel foolish, the reminder that all this could have been his all along if he'd let it, but he decides he won't dwell on what could have been. He'll just keep working towards making the rest of his life on Erid better than it's been. He has a life he's actually looking forward to now.
There isn't much to do today. His letters are written, his house is clean, there's no deliveries to pick up. It's the same problem he's been facing all along. Grace tries not to let it scare him. He could go to the science center and chat with his new friends, maybe try to talk with the science team again and see if they could find something to collaborate with. He wants to start going back more, now that he's almost convinced that they don't all secretly hate him. He has ideas floating around in his head, crazy, fanciful ideas of how he might fill his days on Erid moving forward. Before that, though, he'll need to put more work into actually integrating himself onto Erid. No more moping around in the background and wondering why he's so miserable all the time.
Before even that, though, he needs to make things right with Rocky. Or at least try to and know where they stand. He can't wait around forever if Rocky decides not to respond or takes a while to come around to it, but at least the next few days, Grace wants to stay put here in his biodome.
He doesn't have to wait long. It's not even lunchtime when he gets a notification that there's someone coming through the airlock. Grace doesn't want to let himself get lost in the hope, but his legs feel unsteady as he gets up to take a look. He has to brace himself against the windowsill to not throw up when he sees Rocky hurrying along the beach.
Grace is nervous. He's absolutely beside himself with fear that he'll ruin this second chance he's been granted. But he's also missed Rocky terribly and the pull to be near him is stronger than his fear. Grace is out the front door before he can think twice about it.
It's possible he shouldn't do this. He might have given up the right to run to his best friend when he's exploited their closeness to tear him apart. If Rocky is put off by this display of desperation and turns right back around, Grace couldn't blame him. But he also can't help himself from half stumbling down the steps to his home and all but tripping over his own feet in his hurry to get closer to Rocky. This is the longest they've been apart since they parted ways before the leak. He hopes it's the longest they'll ever be apart again.
Grace lets himself relax when he sees Rocky pick up his speed to close the distance between them.
"Rocky!" he calls out.
The word is half swallowed in a sob. There's already tears streaking down his face. Grace feels almost slimy about it, like his crying is some manipulative attempt at swaying Rocky's opinion, but he can't help it. He's been incomplete in their time apart. He'd meant it when he said there was no Grace without Rocky anymore. Seeing him again just opens those floodgates.
Rocky seems similarly desperate. He's hurtling himself along the beach, limbs flailing to and fro, and when they come together, he sends Grace bowling over with his unchecked strength. Grace doesn't care. He'd let Rocky pulverize him if it meant being together again. Grace wraps his arms around Rocky's carapace and clings to him like his life depends on it. He thinks it might.
Rocky's body trembles, too. His melody quivers and shakes when he speaks. "Grace Grace Grace Grace!"
"Oh, buddy, I missed you so much," Grace moans. He presses his face against Rocky's carapace, breathes in the scent of ammonia clinging to him, relishes in the still too hot sting of his body. Rocky Rocky Rocky Rocky. He wants nothing more than to get lost in this. He was an absolute fool for ever thinking this wouldn't be enough for him.
They lay there a few minutes, wrapped in each other's limbs and sobbing against their bodies. If Grace never left this spot, he'd be happy. He knows it's not true, he has the wreckage of the last few months as proof that it's not true, but he feels like all he ever needs is Rocky. He hopes - prays even, to anyone who'll listen - that they won't be apart again. Grace has fought off death more than once to come back to Rocky. The sickness in his head is nothing compared to that.
Rocky pulls away first. Grace has to bite back a whine at losing the pressure of their embrace. He's in no position to be selfish about this. He'll take whatever Rocky's willing to give. After the way he'd acted, he's lucky beyond belief that there's anything at all to take.
Even though he pulls away, one of Rocky's limbs stays curled around Grace's leg. Grace pushes himself to sit, figuring the conversation probably deserves that much respect, but he keeps his body draped across Rocky's carapace. If they could fuse into one being, he would do that, instead.
"I got your letter," Rocky says.
That much is obvious, of course, but Grace still feels suddenly sheepish about it. He nods. "I'm sorry, Rock. I'm so, so sorry. For how I acted, for what I said, for not letting you help me before. I didn't mean it. I don't think you're a freak or that you're broken. You're the strongest guy I know, you know that, right? That was an awful thing for me to say and being drunk is no excuse. I'm sorry."
Rocky takes a moment to respond. Grace would be scared it means his apologies aren't enough, but Rocky stays where he is, wrapped up against Grace, so it must be worth something, at least.
"I'm not the same Rocky as before the mission. And you're not the same Grace. It's okay. We have each other." Rocky presses impossibly closer. "I forgive you. I always will. I forgave you that same day. But I couldn't watch you destroy yourself. That was worse than anything you could have said."
Grace swallows around the lump in his throat. He nods. He's been here before. He'll do better this time around. "I understand. I put you in a terrible position, Rocky. And I'm sorry. I know I'm saying it a lot, but I mean it. I really am sorry. You're my best friend in the whole universe. More than a best friend. Hurting you is the last I ever want. I want to get better, bud. I want to be better."
"You will," Rocky says, sounding confident enough for the two of them. "Grace is smart and brave brave brave. You'll get better. And I'll be here always. And you'll be honest with me now."
Grace nods, even though it wasn't a question. He admits, "This is hard for me. Being on Erid, I mean. And it's, it's amazing what you've done. I don't want you to think you've done anything wrong. I still can't believe you guys pulled all this off. Synthesizing my nutrients was a miracle already and then you built me paradise. But... Gosh, I can't believe I'm complaining after everything you've done, but I'm bored. It's too perfect. I don't have a real life here. And that's not your fault! You've done so much. But I miss having a purpose."
"Purpose was to save Earth and Erid! And you did!" Rocky insists.
"We did that, pal," Grace corrects. "But that was then. I had a whole life before that. It wasn't perfect, I made sure of that, but it was something. I just miss feeling useful."
"We can find you a purpose on Erid. Anything, Grace. Erid would give you anything," Rocky says.
"I, uh, I miss teaching," he whispers. It's terrifying to say out loud. It's a silly pipe dream, probably, and saying it out loud is just inviting the rejection, so he won't even have the dream to fall back on. But he's promised to be honest. "I really miss teaching. I miss my kids. It was my favorite part of life on Earth. More than science or saving the world, I just loved teaching. I know that, uh, I'm not really in a spot to ask for much. Not after how I acted and the things I said. But I'd really, really love to teach again. I know I can't right now. I have work to do and I have to make sure getting better sticks. But if I'm going to spend the rest of my life here... I miss being in a classroom, bud."
Rocky's claws click against each other rapidly, getting a closer look at him. "For being very smart, Grace is also very stupid."
"Hey!" Grace laughs. Things can't be so bad between them if Rocky's still teasing him like this. He relaxes, despite everything. "I know it's silly and I know it's not really possible. But I do miss it."
"No, Grace is stupid for thinking it's not possible. Finding you a classroom of pebbles will be difficult because everyone will fight to have their children enrolled. Will be big argument and big thrum. But Grace being teacher? That part is easy. Everyone will be thrilled!" Rocky exclaims.
"...you really think so?" Grace asks. He's scared to even let himself get excited. As fragile as he's been, the disappointment could kill him. But despite his best efforts, it still builds inside him.
"Very sure. We can start working on it as soon as you feel ready. I mean it when I say Erid would give you anything. This is easy. This is a gift for Erid, to be taught by you." Rocky throws up a jazz hand as he says it. His song rings with fondness. It's more than Grace thinks he's earned, but he lets himself accept it anyway.
He throws his arms around him again, pulling him into a proper hug again. Rocky hugs him back tight enough that Grace's ribs hurt. He relishes in the aching closeness. Grace's words are muffled as he speaks, nestled into the crook of one of Rocky's limbs against his carapace. "How do we always end up like this? I'm supposed to be apologizing to you right now and you're giving me everything I could ever want. That's not very fair, is it?"
"Seeing you happy here will be better than any apology you could ever give," Rocky trills. "That's all I wanted since the beginning, to give you a life to love on Erid. It will never be enough to repay what you sacrificed to save me and Erid, but I want to try. I want to help. Not fix."
Grace sniffles. The tears never really stopped, but there's a fresh round of them now. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve everything you've given me, Rocky."
"You don't have to do anything to deserve it," Rocky says simply. "I love you with every song I have, Grace."
***
Grace wakes up to the opening strums of Stargazer. It's been his alarm this week. As it turns out, it feels much better to wake up to music on a schedule instead of just floating through life and languishing in bed. He barely needed an alarm today. He's so full of anxious excitement, he's awake and halfway to his toothbrush before the lyrics even start. He's been looking forward to today for months.
As quick as he is getting ready, Rocky's even quicker. The song is still going when there's a knock on his door. Grace yells out that he's coming through a mouthful of toothpaste and only sort of rolls his eyes. Rocky knows exactly when Grace is getting up and he still manages to show up early. Not just that, he complains about being left waiting every time. Grace loves it.
He lets Rocky in and goes right into their usual back and forth about Grace being late and Rocky being early. Rocky teases him for being so gross as he spits out his toothpaste. Grace tops the grossness by throwing a meburger on a hot pan and taumoeba shake in a glass. Rocky yells and cries about his disgust, but when Grace raises the volume on the song and shakes his hips in Rocky's direction, Rocky dances right back. This is a life Grace can picture for the next few decades.
"If eating is so gross," Grace says, carrying his food over to the coffee table and turning the volume down as his morning playlist continues, "you could always just show up later. Maybe at the time we actually agreed on instead of an hour early?"
"No, no, you just need to wake up earlier," Rocky suggests, as though he wouldn't just start showing up even earlier in response.
Grace laughs and kicks him as he settles next to him. It does nothing, of course, as strong as Rocky is, but it's fun to pretend. "Jerk! Hey, after breakfast, want to listen to me practice on my keyboard for a bit?"
Grace had recently built a prototype for a communication device, working alongside Rocky and a team of linguists. The final version will be more like an organ back on Earth, massive and full of attachments that will mimic the many noises Eridians make to communicate. But he's been practicing on a keyboard, more limited in what it can recreate, but also more portable. He's not very good yet, but he practices every day. He wants to feel more at home here, like he actually is Eridian, even if his biology protests at every turn.
"Ugh. Will be very painful to hear bad bad bad playing, but yes. Because I am such a good friend," he laments.
"The best friend," Grace responds without a hint of mockery.
Rocky trills happily and scoots closer. "You know what today is?"
Grace snots out a laugh. "Yeah, Rocky. I've been counting down for weeks. First day of class! I'm nervous. I don't even know what to expect, but I've been meeting with Erik from the psych team and they've been teaching me a bunch about Eridian development. And I've been working on my lesson plans! Man, I hope they like me."
"They will," Rocky says. "Impossible not to love you. But there's something else today. You don't remember?"
"Something other than the first day of class?" Grace shakes his head. "I don't know, buddy, kind of hard to think of anything bigger than that right now. You might have to jog my memory on this one."
"Dumb human brain! Can never retain any information," Rocky teases. He quickly turns serious, a tensing of his carapace and a low broken hum coming from him. Grace recognizes it as nerves. Rocky pushes a small container across the table. Grace hadn't even seen him bringing it in. "This is gift. From me."
"A first day of class gift! Oh, man, I hope it's an apple." Grace winks at him and grabs it off the table.
Really, he has no idea what it could be. Maybe a new stylus for when he practices his written Eridian? Or some new attachment for his keyboard? It's pretty small to be either of those things. Maybe it's a new set of earrings or a bracelet to mark the occasion. Grace has taken to wearing jewelry more often in his quest to blend into Erid more. He doesn't know why Rocky would look so nervous about any of those options, though.
He twists the container open - righty loosey, lefty tighty, a movement that comes naturally to him now - and shakes out the contents. A coin falls out, small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. It's made of xenonite, that familiar brown and bronze color that Grace sees so often. There's an engraving on it. Grace grabs his glasses off his t-shirt to get a better look.
In the middle is a big, bold number 6. Beneath it, smaller, the word months. Along the edges is scratched on to thine own self be true. The writing is careful, but messy. Unpracticed. Sort of like what Grace's written Eridian looks like. It's not difficult to piece together that Rocky had engraved this himself, not just left it up to a robot. Grace loses sight of the coin quickly, between the tears clouding his vision and how his hand shakes.
Rocky's claws fidget and clack against each other. "Rocky saw coins on thinking machine. Says it is tradition to celebrate milestones in healing. Today is six months since Grace's last human poison."
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. I, uh, I've been so busy getting ready for class, I guess I lost track." Grace has to pause to wipe his face. He takes a second to breathe, so the words aren't lost to the warble and breaking of his voice. "I'm six months sober today. You're right."
"Wanted to celebrate," Rocky explains. "But not know how. I understand it's a very sensitive subject. But still wanted to celebrate. Apology if stupid gift."
"Stupid gift? Gosh, Rocky, no, this is-" Grace cuts himself off. "C'mere."
He slips down off the couch to kneel by Rocky's side and pull him into a hug. Rocky falls right into it, leaning his whole carapace up against Grace. Grace winds his arms around him and squeezes as tightly as he can. He knows it doesn't make much of a difference, Grace could squeeze with twice his strength and Rocky would still barely feel it, but it's nice to try and pretend they might be able to melt into each other.
His breaths are shaking now, cut through with tears. Happy tears, for once. Six months ago, Grace thought his life was just about over. He was sick and miserable and drifting through, just waiting for death to free him from the cage he'd built around himself. And now? He has friends. He has things to work for. He has a class. He's about to have kids again!
He has Rocky. He's never again going to let himself forget that he has Rocky.
"This might be the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me, Rock," Grace mumbles against him. "Thank you for remembering. And for sticking with me through it."
"Rocky is proud proud proud of Grace. Will always stick through," he promises. "As long as Grace sticks through for Rocky."
"Grace will always stick through for Rocky," he swears.
He has a few things he wanted to get done before class. Fine tune a few phrases on the computer's translation software, make sure nothing he wears will sound too distracting for a group of excited pebbles, go over his lesson plan for the hundredth time. He wants the day to go perfect for his kids.
But he's sure he can be forgiven some time lost to just sitting in Rocky's arms for a while. The coin remains clutched in his hand, cold and sturdy metal against him. He'll carry it in his pocket, he's decided. Keep it close until the next one comes. And there will be a next one. Even if things get bleak again and his sickness tries to rear its head, he's going to fight it and he's going to win every time. Grace simply won't entertain any other alternative.
Life on Erid can be hard. Humans were never meant to live here, certainly not alone and for extended periods of time. It can be lonely, it can be scary, and it can be painfully difficult. But it's his life and Grace has decided it's worth fighting for. It's worth trying and building himself something more than just ways to survive. It's worth being brave and opening himself up to the company of others. It's worth trying something as farfetched as teaching a class of alien children. It's worth staying sober for.
Life on Erid is a lot of things, but as long as he has Rocky, Grace knows it's a life worth living for.