Chapter Text
Jax began pacing back and forth.
"See, this is why you don't let your guard down. Not even for a fucking moment. Because you do, and shit like this happens."
"Jax..." Zooble said.
"Five years. Five FUCKING years you try to hide this from everyone. You lead three people to an early grave, INCLUDING YOURSELF, because you don't want anyone to find out about this."
"Jax?" Gangle asked.
"And you blow it all on a fucking slip of the tongue? What a tragic way for this all to get uncovered. God, I should've stayed dead. Because then, maybe-"
"JAX!" Ragatha screamed. "I...it's okay. W...whatever you are, we'll accept you."
Jax was about to start crying, but didn't. "Why? Why the hell are you going to give me the kindness I never gave you?"
"You're right," Gangle said. "Over the past three years, you've abused me, belittled me, degraded me, and treated me like shit in general. Now, here I am, with you at your lowest. I'm in the perfect position to get back at you for everything you did to me."
Gangle put her hands in Jax's. "But I won't. You know why? Because that's not going to make anything better for anyone. Look. The past five years? Let's let it all burn. This is not where your story ends. This is where it begins."
Jax looked at the ground. "You and I both know that it's not going to be that easy."
"I know," Gangle said. "But...maybe if we act like it is, it'll be a little easier on all of us. I don't want you to hurt people. You don't want to hurt people. I know that it's gonna be a long journey towards getting better. But it's possible. For everyone."
Jax brushed away weak tears. "T...thanks."
"So, Jax," Pomni asked. "Is there anything you want to say to us?"
Jax took a massive breath. "I...I've been thinking it over, and...every time I wonder about how I'd feel most comfortable, it always comes back to the same place. I...think I'm a girl."
"You don't think this, Jax," Zooble said. "Is it just a thought? Is that all it is?"
"Y...you're right," Jax said. "It's not just a thought. I'm a girl."
"Come on, put some more energy into it!" Kinger said, trying his damnedest to encourage her. "I'm a girl! Yippee!"
"Look, I don't mind you all digging deep into me about this, because of course you should, but why the hell aren't any of you acting surprised by this? Was I that obvious?"
"It's not that," Pomni said. "It's just...a lot of things make sense in retrospect. You insisting that you didn't want to be in a straight relationship with me,"
"Your mixture of comfort and discomfort in the maid dress," Gangle said.
"Your strangely extensive knowledge of queer culture," Zooble added.
"Your insistence that you're the peak of masculinity," Ragatha furthered.
"Your hatred of the beach party," Kinger extended.
"The inside of your room," Caine continued.
"Alright, I get it, I get it, my closet was glass," Jax said.
"Not exactly. Let me explain." Pomni walked a little closer to Jax. "See, right before I entered the Circus, Barry Manilow came out as gay. Now, what are your thoughts on that?"
Jax pondered for a minute before answering. "I mean, it's not really something I thought about, but...yeah, I can see it now."
"So you're Barry Manilow here. It's not that we knew, because we don't speculate about these kinds of things, but, now that we do know, we can see all the signs."
Jax giggled a bit. "You know, I'd rather have you call me a [BOINK!] than Barry Manilow."
"But do you get it?"
"Yeah."
"Uh, Caine? Why's the swear filter kinda sorta back up?" Gangle asked.
"I made the swear filter. The slur filter's built-in to the Circus," Caine answered.
"When I was coding, I made sure to include a provision that nobody would ever be able to say things that bad to someone else," Kinger added. "It's just...if a creation of yours ends up bigoted, and you don't do anything to stop it, you're kind of at fault, right?"
"I hate to say this, but that slur's kind of a new one," Pomni said. "You made sure to include it in 1999?"
"It's less about content, more about intent," Kinger said. "Like, if someone used the word 'table' as a slur, it'd get censored."
"Okay, new side quest," Zooble joked, before remembering how serious the conversation going on was. "Sorry, got sidetracked. Anyways, did you, like, actually think any of us would be transphobic?"
"Eh, kinda," Jax said. "Mostly Ragatha."
"W-why me?"
"You're a rich white girl from rural Missouri with mommy issues."
"A rich white lesbian from rural Missouri with mommy issues."
"You and I both know that queer infighting is a real phenomenon."
"Putting all that aside, why'd you think any of us would be like that? Like, we never attacked Zooble or Ribbit."
"Yeah, but you liked them. You didn't like me."
"We liked you...briefly," Zooble said.
"Look. It's not so much that I'm trans, it's more that...I'm trans. Like, everyone preaches acceptance, but someone they don't like comes out, or someone who's out does something that they don't like, and all the floodgates open."
"Jax, you really need to stop assuming the worst in people," Pomni said.
"Assuming otherwise is a great way to get hate-crimed."
"Th...that's a big leap," Gangle said.
"Look. I haven't forgotten Dwayne Jones. Or Islan Nettles. Or Vicky Hernandez, or Angie Zapata, or Gisberta Salce."
"I...I hate to say this, but...who are they?" Kinger asked.
"People killed for being trans," Jax answered. "Not just trans people who were killed. They were killed explicitly because they were transgender. I can name two dozen more people like that off the top of my head. And when you're ruminating whether or not to be trans in public, and then you remember that there's a laundry list of people who were killed for being trans in public, it really sticks with you."
Jax turned away from everyone else and curled up into a ball. "I'd much rather be the Circus jerk than the Circus [BOING!]. People hate you for being a jerk. People want you dead for being a [WHOOP!]
Nobody else in the Circus dared speak after that, because there was really nothing to say in response to a statement like that. They were all mostly thinking the same thing, which was "Having the censors be so over-the-top is really detracting from the seriousness a moment like this should have."
Everyone...except Zooble. They...understood what Jax was saying. All too well.
"Look, Jax. I...I get it. I absolutely get it. It feels god-awful living in a world where it feels like it'd be a blessing if half the people you knew only thought of you as scum."
Zooble took a couple steps forward towards Jax. "But that's out there. We're in here. And it's...safe in here."
"That's what everyone thinks," Jax said, almost snarling. "Everyone thinks that they're safe until they're not."
"Again, I've been where you've been. When I first came in the Circus, I was absolutely terrified. Especially when Caine ended up outing me day one."
"You did WHAT?" Pomni asked.
"Look, I said, 'Hey! We've got a new member of the Circus! Let's give them a warm welcome!' You know me. I have no tact whatsoever with these things."
"Eh, I'm less offended by that and more the fact that Ragatha somehow managed to misgender me for a week after that."
"I wasn't paying attention to him. And I've said sorry!"
"You did. For three days straight," Zooble said, before realizing that Jax was still curled up in a ball.
"So how'd you get over it?"
"What I realized was that nobody in the Circus was in any position to put themselves on a pedestal over anyone else. We were in an environment where being abnormal, was, well, normal. Even when you attacked me, it was never about my identity."
Jax stood up, but still didn't turn to face everyone else. Zooble put their hand on her shoulder.
"Look. We're all damaged. We're all frightened. We're all freaks, but that's alright. There's a lot of things to hate you for. Being a woman isn't one of them."
Jax turned around, weakly smiling. "T..thanks."
"And you'll never be the Circus [CLANG!] I've got that spot reserved."
"Hey, I was here before you was!"
"Yeah, but you've only been officially trans for what? 3, maybe 4, minutes?"
"I'll have you know that I was trans the moment I stepped in here."
"Yeah, but not officially."
"The fuck do you mean officially? Do I have to get my trans-ness notarized? And let me remind you, Ribbit's been trans longer than either of us have...I think? Do she/theys count?"
"That's not a debate either of us are qualified to answer. Get her back, and then we'll have this conversation again. Until then, I'll enjoy all the perks that come with being the official Circus [BONK!]."
The rest of the Circus fell silent, not really sure how to respond to that conversation.
At least, not until both Zooble and Jax broke out in a giggle fit.
"It's gonna be a long time before I forgive you," Zooble said, "but, damn. I'm really gonna love having these conversations with you."
"I just wish I could've had them sooner," Jax responded.
"So," Ragatha said, "Do...do you still want to be Jax? Because, like, you're a woman now, but Jax isn't...like, really a real name, or whatever."
"Yeah, I've thought about it, and...I'd like to be known as Greznedge."
Nobody responded to the statement.
"A...aren't you gonna tell me how stupid of a name that is?"
"Y...you do know what our names are, right?" Zooble asked.
"Yeah, but I get to choose mine. You're stuck with yours."
"Hey, I could've been called Abigail, but I'm choosing Pomni," Pomni said.
"So...is it actually Greznedge?" Ragatha asked.
"No, no it isn't. That was a bad attempt at humor. I've actually thought about it, and...I'm going with Lilly," Lilly said.
"Lilly. That's nice," Pomni said.
Zooble tried to hold back laughs, but failed.
"Okay, what is it now, Zoobs?" Lilly asked.
"It's just...you threw all that shit at me for being a non-binary bartender with tattoos, and then you come out as a trans girl and start going by the name Lily."
"Hey, it's not that common a name."
"I personally knew of 3 back at the bar."
"Okay, but mine's L-I-L-L-Y. Two Ls. That differentiates me from the rest."
"Does it really?"
"...Okay, no, but it's cute, goddammit!" Lilly faux-whined.
"Yeah. I mean, I imagine there's gotta be a reason it's so popular. But don't come after me for living up to enby stereotypes ever again."
"Hey. I'm allowed to be hypocritical when it's funny."
"Look, I'm enjoying this conversation as much as anyone else," Gangle said, "but I feel like we're getting off topic again. Like, is there anything else you wanna discuss, Lilly?"
"Not right now. I've made the biggest leap that I can. I'm a Lilly now. I've got a face for a Jax, voice for a Jax, and body for a Jax, but I'm Lilly."
"D...do you want to need to talk to someone about these feelings?" Kinger asked.
"No, it's just gender dysphoria. Nothing I haven't faced before," Lilly said.
Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared above Caine's head (this isn't a metaphor, it just straight-up did).
"C...can I try something?"
"Oh, God," Lilly said resignedly.
"Don't worry. I'm not gonna force-fem you or anything."
"Some words just don't feel good coming out of some people's mouths," Pomni said.
"But...when I was doing my mind probes, I noticed something. Now, I didn't really recognize what it meant at the time, but knowing everything I do now, I understand what it means fully. This isn't gonna be painful or anything, and if you don't like it, then it's pretty easily reversible. So if you-"
"Don't bother, Caine. I know what you're referring to. And once I learned I could conjure, I tried it. Just a moment of respite before I undid it. And guess what? It didn't work. No matter how hard I tried. I'm sorry. But there's no way."
"No...there is one," Caine said, as a familiar voting board appeared. One vote came in, then two, then three.
Once all the votes came in, a bright flash emanated from Lilly's body. As it dissipated, she lay on the ground, feeling...different. She knew Caine had changed her, but she didn't quite know how.
"AAH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" she screamed.
Caine conjured up a mirror. "See for yourself."
Lilly hid her head in her hands and turned away, before Caine said, "Look. If you don't like it, I can reverse this just as easily." She parted her fingers and turned back around, if only to see the damage he had did.
But...that's not what she saw.
Instead, what she saw was...a model quite similar to her old one, but with a few...changes. What was once a pair of overalls had been replaced with a jumper dress with a black undershirt. Long, flowing black hair fell down from what was once a barren head.
And...a pink bow adorned her forehead right where Ribbit put hers.
"Oh my God," Lilly said in a perfectly feminine voice, before realizing that her body wasn't the only thing Caine changed. "Oh...my God."
"Did I mess up?" Caine asked. "Because if I did, I can reverse it-"
"No, Caine. This...this is perfect," Lilly said, before bringing Caine in for a hug. "This is...everything I wanted."
"Hey, it's nothing," Caine said, before breaking up the hug. "Who needs estrogen when you've got...I was hoping that I'd come up with a joke by the end of this sentence, but I've got nothing."
"Wow, Caine. You actually had a good idea!" Zooble said.
"First time for everything," he joked.
As everybody was laughing a bit, Lilly noticed that Ragatha was looking a bit irked. "What's wrong, Raggy? Something rub you the wrong way?"
"No, I'm just realizing that I can no longer extrapolate your behavior to all men in order to make myself feel better about being a lesbian."
"That's not a good mindset to have. And if I'm telling you that, that's how you know that it's bad."
"Look. I know it's not true. But it's nice to pretend that it is sometimes."
The whole Circus fell silent for a bit. And it slowly began to seep into Lilly's mind just how...perfect everything went, as she began to cry.
"Uh, Lilly? Is...is something wrong?" Ragatha asked.
"No, no. These are tears of joy," Lilly said. "I..I've played this moment hundreds of times in my head. And every time I did, it went horribly. But this? This is genuinely the best way this could've gone. Thank you. Thank you...for everything. For not giving up on me. For showing me the kindness I never showed you. For letting me know that I'm not alone."
"Hey, it's nothing," Pomni said. "We've got to carry each other. Even the ones who think they can't be carried."
Lilly wrapped Pomni up in the biggest hug she could imagine.
"Uh...Lilly?" Pomni asked. "I...thought you didn't like physical contact."
"Only because it reminded me of how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. This...feels refreshing."
One by one, the other members of the Circus joined in on the hug. It must have lasted thirty, maybe forty-five seconds.
As they slowly peeled away, they noticed Lilly's smile.
It...was quite a pretty one.
"So...what now?" Ragatha asked.
"Well, we still have 12 people left to unabstract," Kinger said.
"No offense, but I'm not doing another dive that deep into someone's mind for at least a week," Zooble said.
"I don't mean right now," Kinger said. "But, y'know, just something to keep in mind."
"Alright. So what are we doing now?" Gangle asked. "As in, right now?"
"Hey, Lilly?" Pomni asked.
"Yeah?"
"Didn't you say you wanted to try out some stand-up comedy?"
"Well, yeah."
"Did you, I don't know, write any bits down?"
"I have...some ideas. Not really full bits yet, but there's stuff."
Pomni smiled.
"Caine? I have a great idea for our next adventure."
It'd been two years since Lilly un-abstracted and came out as trans. Or...what felt like two years. The nature of time in the Circus was never quite clear. But to the players, it was two years.
A lot had changed since then. A couple new buildings had been added to the Circus. Caine created a load of new NPCs, including Arry, the foxboy therapist.
And, of course, the big thing.
"And...that's everyone!" Caine said as Kinger and company exited the abstraction. "13 out of 6227020800."
"Huh?" Wormy asked.
"He's trying to say 13 out of 13 excitedly," Queenie said. "But the exclamation point's appearing as a factorial to him."
"Scratch! My other dad!" Caine said, as he excitedly wrapped him up in a hug. "You're back!"
"God," Scratch said, looking around. "You're right. A lot has changed."
"Yeah, but nothing massive I didn't already tell you about," Kinger replied.
"I'm just...gonna need a couple moments. Is there, like, anything I can do to relax?"
Kinger smiled.
"There's a great comedy show coming up."
"Look. All I'm saying is that I don't get the whole stigma against having sex with a trans girl. I mean, I kind of understand bits. Like, I'd be disconcerted if I was expecting a pussy and got a dick instead. Like talking to a Mormon. But once the surgery comes in? It's gonna be fucking great. Firstly, I can't get pregnant, so there's no risk of that happening. Who cares that your pull-out game is weak? And secondly, that shit's gonna be precision-crafted. Like, there's gonna be a full episode of How It's Made devoted to this. We're talking interior heating, all-weather floor mats, cup holders, you name it."
The crowd was repeatedly bursting into hysterics.
"I really don't know why a lesbian is discussing the merits of heterosexual sex anywhere, let alone here. Still, good advice for whoever's listening. Anyways, I've been the Incredible Lilly. Thank you and goodnight!"
Lilly leapt offstage to talk to her friends.
"God, that was hilarious," Kaufmo said. "Y'know, I'm the clown here, and you're funnier than I am."
"I still can't believe you thought we'd hate you once you came out," Ribbit added. "Because if you were always going to be like this, it would've been great!"
"There was a lot of stuff going on," Lilly said. "I'm over most of it. Not all of it, but most of it."
"Look. What's done is done," Ribbit said. "You're different now. It took me a while to believe it, but...you've certainly changed for the better. I'm glad that you're here with us."
"On a similar note, the crew's playing Jackbox tomorrow," Kaufmo said. "Wanna join?"
"Oh, I'm gonna kick your asses at Quiplash," Lilly said.
Ribbit smirked. "We'll see."
Caine stepped up to the microphone. "Anyways, great work from Lilly, like always. Now, performing the Rolling Stones classic Start Me Up, please welcome Zooble!"
As Zooble began to strum the opening chords of the song, Lilly looked around at what the Circus had become.
Three years ago, it was a cesspool of misery and suffering, run by a dictatorial ringmaster and worsened by her inability to be open.
Now, it's a bastion of joy and happiness, where everyone was equal and she felt confident living in her own skin.
Life in the Circus wasn't perfect. It couldn't be. A dozen and a half brains, plus an array of AIs, were not the widespread friend group that everyone desired. There was nothing to strive for, nothing to work towards, nothing to keep in mind as a goal.
But knowing that they were stuck like this? This was the best they could make of having to live this way.
They had surpassed the need for basic necessities. They could conjure up anything they desired. They had the ability to redefine reality.
They had reversed death itself.
Thirteen times.
So, yeah. Life in the Circus wasn't perfect.
But it was as perfect as it could be.