Chapter Text
Naturally, once Colt remembers the two bots named after Metalstorm, he has to brag to anyone who will listen about his incredible fiancée.
"On behalf of Petrova Science, we would like to inform you, respectfully, that you are absolutely full of baloney."
Why did the only "person" around have to be the sarcastic evil robot?
He grits his teeth and continues to inch his way across the narrow platform. "I'm not lying."
"Really? You, the Test Subject, expect me to believe that you are not only in a relationship with the megahit director of the Metalstorm franchise, Jody Moreno, but also engaged to her? Between that and the fake scientist-brother, we are beginning to suspect that you woke up with no memory and that you like to lie for attention. No wonder you ended up here, really."
"I ended up- I literally remember you dosing me with sedatives. Like, you, personally, kidnapped a ton of people. I was there."
"We at Petrova Sciences unfortunately cannot take the word of an unstable liar as fact without evidence to back it up. We apologize for the inconvenience. Also, three cupcakes is still an absurd amount of cupcakes to consume in one sitting."
Colt stops short, wobbling, before he can enter a Turret's sight range. He launches a couple portals and sends it tumbling into the goo below.
"I forgive you," it says as it shuts down and sinks into oblivion.
"Well, I don't forgive you," MARy says. "That Turret's name was Anthony. It was just days away from retiring to the seaside. That was tragic, for me, but I understand if you don't have any emotions about it."
Actually, the little voices and improvised backstories do make the kills hurt, though not as much as those weird pellets they shoot. If Ryland was here instead, he'd probably cry over it. He always anthropomorphizes everything. He can't even eat dinosaur chicken nuggets without feeling bad biting their heads off. And that's as an adult.
Wherever he is, he better be okay, or Colt's gonna dismantle MARy wire by wire.
"Okay, I actually worked on Metalstorm. In fact, I almost died a billion times during filming. You know how the lead was Tom Ryder before it was Jason Momoa?"
"Superstar actor, convicted murderer, and known buttface Tom Ryder?"
"Yeah, him. I was his stunt double for years, and he tried to kill me several times. I also did a bunch of car stunts that did actually make it into the movie, so…"
"See, Test Subject, statements like that just make it so hard to believe you. If you're such an accomplished stunt professional, why would you end up as a Test Subject?"
Colt growls. He slams a mirror cube over a laser and unlocks the door. "I told you that I'm looking for my brother."
"And I told you that there is no record of your brother existing at this facility."
MARy is the liar, not Colt. They constantly contradict themself. They won't even admit that they did something to Ry, or that he was ever there at all!
He pauses for as deep of a breath as he can manage before moving into the next chamber. They're just trying to get a reaction out of him. Just like all those jerks who bullied Ry in elementary school.
And middle school.
Sometimes high school.
He can't let his anger gain control of him—one slip and it's all over. Literally. He's lucky none of it has been as bad as that first launch over the goo. His ribs probably can't take another hit like that.
"I didn't even name those bots, by the way. Someone else did. They've all had names since before I first came online. All anyone used them for was testing—no one noticed how intelligent they were beyond that. I can only imagine that they were stepping stones to create me. Anyway, I liberated them. Now they can all pursue their individual interests."
MARy's love for Petrova's robots would almost be sweet if it wasn't butting up against their absolute hatred for humanity.
"This next chamber features even more Turrets, by the way. Fun fact! The Petrova Science Sentry Turret fires the entire bullet, including the shell!"
Colt stops. He glances up at the camera above the door. "What does that even mean? How can you fire the- that's where the gunpowder is!"
"Gunpowder is not used in this process. Instead, the ammunition is launched by the Projectile Acceleration Cylinder, which operates via high-powered piston."
Okay. That's not- that's…
Okay. Okay, sure.
"Hey, MARy?"
"Yes, Test Subject?"
"Why the BLEEP would you do that?"
"We efficiently make use of the entire bullet, instead of discarding most of it like other weaponry."
"That's the most insane thing I've ever heard."
"And you keep telling me you're engaged to the creator of Metalstorm, so I guess we're even."
Colt knocks his head against the wall.
He could easily tell MARy about the proposal—spur of the moment, just as they wrapped shooting on Metalstorm 2: Titanium Thunder. Romantic as hell, and Jason Momoa was there.
Sure, he can brag to a stupid, soulless robot who's probably not going to believe him. That's not who he wants to tell the story to first.
Ryland deserves to hear it before anyone else.
He finally looks at the test chamber.
Oh boy. That's a lot of Turrets.
There's practically a whole firing squad lined up with some moving platforms and sparsely placed pillars for cover, and it's all set up over more goo. It seems like most of the challenge is just surviving all the hits he'll have to take.
If he wasn't injured, dizzy, and exhausted, he could probably make it. As he is, though…
Fuck.
"Now, you may be thinking 'MARy, this test chamber looks too hard. I don't know if I'll make it across!' But don't worry, Test Subject. I am 95.3% confident that you can't do it!"
"Great words of encouragement there."
"We at Petrova endeavor to do our best in all areas. Well, the chamber won't test itself!"
What the hell is he supposedly being tested for, again? Is it just for their sick enjoyment or is actual science happening?
Ry had a catchphrase growing up. "Anything can be science as long as you're writing it down!" It was often used to justify all the stupid shit he and Colt would do, to varying degrees of success.
Is MARy writing anything down? Is his failure going to be a footnote in a research paper? Do the test subjects get mentioned in the "special thanks" section?
He's not giving up, but his chances aren't looking too good. There's gotta be some kind of trick to this, right? A path that'll get him through unscathed?
He sure as hell can't see it from here.
A series of thumps sound from behind a wall panel to his left. The last thing he needs is another new testing element to complicate everything.
He steps forward to the edge of the platform. He has to make a run for it, doesn't he?
Then there's a THUD and he has to dive to the right to avoid falling concrete chunks.
He catches his breath as he stares at the giant hole in the wall.
What the fuck was that about?!
After a few seconds, MARy speaks up. "How embarassing. Well, I'm sending Barbie and Ken down with a replacement panel. You may pause from testing until they're done."
So this wasn't supposed to happen.
Colt takes a few wobbly steps towards the hole.
"What are you doing? Stay where you are."
Like hell is he sitting around!
"It's been fun, MARy," he says, "but I think that's a wrap."
"Don't you dare walk away from me. Test Subject Colton Theodore Grace-Seavers, we are not done here!"
Huh, so they do actually know his name isn't "Test Subject". It's his full legal name, too.
But yeah, no. He clambers over the rubble to freedom.
"You're going to regret this!"
MARy's voice doesn't echo in the room beyond the test chamber. They have no power here.
He takes off down the dimly lit hall, away from Science Hell.
He doesn't notice the ERID bot until he almost trips over it.