Chapter Text
Lance's stay at the hospital is two weeks long. For healing and monitoring, just in case the flowers resprouted. Once he's cleared, his parents help him back to the dorms, everybody there to greet him. He's still emotionless, his voice only ever changing when he forces it.
The first week back is something awful. Keith avoids him and Lance wants to care, he really wants to but he doesn't.
“Hey.” Lance greets, getting back to the dorm earlier than usual, Keith jumping at the sudden noise.
“Hey.”
“I haven't seen you much since I woke up in the hospital.”
“It's not like you know me.” Keith shrugs, turning back to his laptop.
“But I did.” that alone causes Keith to glance over his shoulder at Lance. “And apparently I... cared about you a lot.” Lance adds, setting his bag down by his desk.
“So? It doesn't matter now.”
“But it could.”
“No, Lance. It can't.” Keith huff's, slamming his laptop shut. “Just... just leave it alone, alright? Just leave it alone, you can't feel anything, you can hardly carry a conversation, just—just whatever, you know?”
Lance shifts from foot to foot and finally shakes his head. “No, I don't know.”
“That's my problem Lance.”
“I don't understand?”
“I know you don't.” Keith sighs, sliding his laptop off the desk and into his arms before making his way to the exit, “Like I said, just give it a rest.” and then he's gone with a soft thud of the door shutting behind him.
o.O.o
It takes another full week before Keith finally starts spending more time around the dorm room with Lance around. It's progress, that's something Lance can recognize. The silence is always comfortable for Lance—at least, he thinks it's comfortable—but he notices the way Keith seems to fidget or constantly look around.
“Hey Keith?”
“Yeah?”
“What did we used to do for fun? Like... the two of us? When none of the others were around?”
Keith is silent for a minute before shrugging. “Watch movies? We played video games sometimes or helped each other with homework. One time we bought cookie dough and made cookies down in the dorms kitchen.” Keith explains, eyes never leaving the paper he's “focused” on.
Lance nods, setting his pen down and spinning his chair around a bit. “Can we do something? Something fun I mean.”
There's silence for a little too long and Lance can see Keith's eyes shut tightly before they open and shift in his direction, Keith finally speaking. “Oh... why?”
“It might help, right? Doing something fun to trigger my emotions or... something?”
Lance notices the way Keith's eyes seem to widen a bit, lighting up at the idea apparently. “Yeah, yeah you're right, it might. Why didn't we think of that sooner?”
“Dunno. Can we make cookies though?”
Keith offers to drive them to Target, an hour later, they're finally in the kitchen and Lance is preheating the oven while Keith gets out eggs, butter, milk and the dry mix for the cookies. Lance starts to mix the ingredients when music starts playing from Keith's phone and Lance nearly drops the bowl at the words being sang.
“Keith... do you know what that song is saying?”
“Mix your plate? You played this for me once when we made cake and said that was what it translated to. I thought it'd help you with the memory and emotions thing.” Keith shrugs nervously with a small smile, music thumping in Lance's ears.
“Chapa is slang for ass. That song literally says shake your ass.” Lance deadpans, Keith immediately cutting the song off, feeling a bit embarrassed now.
“But you--”
“Were messing with you I guess. Must've thought it was funny.” Lance shrugs, turning back to the bowl of batter. “Not so much anymore.”
“Oh.”
o.O.o
Hunk watches several different movies with Lance over the span of three days. Hunk running through every emotion known to man in those three days while Lance doesn't so much as crack a smile at any of the movies.
“Look, man, I'm trying. Really, but I'm not sure if you are?” Hunk admits after Kill Bill ends. “That one was one of your favorites, with the whole the hunter becomes the hunted trope going on. You didn't even laugh or jump or anything?”
Lance shrugs, “I don't know what to say or really feel? I guess I enjoyed the movie but I don't really... have a reaction to it? I don't know how to explain it I just? I don't feel anything Hunk, I guess it kind of sucks but I don't really care?” Lance pauses for a second, looking for the right words... but they never come.
“It's like I don't even know you anymore.” Hunk chuckles dryly. “The Lance I knew was always running through his emotions, all of them. It's just not the same. I still love you buddy, it's just hard and so I—I can't imagine how you must be dealing. Well, I mean obviously it doesn't bother you as much as the rest of us probably...it's just hard seeing you like this.”
“And I wish I could change that, for the sake of you and Keith, my family and the others, but I can't. I don't know what to do, I wish I did but I don't.”
Hunk doesn't reply, he just nods, bottom lip trembling visibly and Lance sighs. If Hunk started crying he wouldn't know what to say, it'd be the highest level of awkward he could recognize.
“I should just get going.” Hunk finally speaks, patting his knees a few times before standing. His lips press into a thin line before his tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip. “You're still my best bud, alright? And we're going to figure this out together. Pidge and I will get looking through old archives and see if anybody ever beat those odds. We'll do anything for you.”
“Thanks.”
o.O.o
“We're going to the park, alright?”
Lance sits up against his elbows, bedsheet pooling at his hips. “What?”
“Park. Come on, get dressed.”
“But the sun isn't even up yet.” Lance points out, sitting up fully to stare straight at Keith who seems to hold his ground.
“That's the point.” Keith rolls his eyes. “We're gonna watch the sun come up. That might trigger some sappy feelings in your chest?” Keith shrugs, dropping to sit on the futon and pull his sneakers on. “Come on, we've got half an hour before sunrise.”
“Alright.”
It takes Lance a total of ten minutes to get dressed, quickly brush his teeth and head out the door with Keith right behind him. The walk to the park is quiet but neither seems to mind so much.
“Have you ever watched the sunrise?”
“A few times with my family. My older brother Milo loved getting up to watch the sun but we watched the sunset more.” Lance shares, glancing around as the park sign comes into view. “Where'd the sudden idea to watch the sunrise come from?”
“Drastic measures?” Keith shrugs with a laugh, Lance nodding without so much as a smile.
They're sitting at the edge of the lake, side by side when the sky starts to change colors. Lance stares straight at the lake and the occasional ripple from a fish. While Keith stares at the grass around his feet instead and a million and five thoughts race through his mind. So much could go wrong with his current plan. It could hurt Lance. It could hurt him it could--
“Keith. The sun is coming up.”
“It does that every day.” Keith jokes, giving Lance a cheeky smile but receiving none. His heart begins to thud loudly in his ears as he decides to go through with it. He had to. Drastic measures. “Lance?”
“Yeah?”
“Look at me.”
Doing as he was told, Lance turns to look at Keith. “I need you to remember everything, I need—want you to feel again. So...” Lance doesn't seem fazed by the words but Keith only gets a look at his face for a few seconds before he's leaning forward and pressing his lips to Lance's in a kiss. Lance doesn't move, doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away but he also doesn't kiss back. Keith breaks the kiss, sitting back and staring far too hard at the grass between them. “Did that help any?”
“Help what?”
“Did you feel anything?”
“Emotionally? No.”
“Okay.”
He was right. Of course he was right. It had hurt one of them and it definitely wasn't Lance who got hurt.
o.O.o
Lance's last class ends earlier than usual so he ends up back at the dorm far earlier than Keith. So of course he starts his essay for next week. He ruffles through the five different articles he's using for sources and decides to paper clip them together.
Which is how he ends up by Keith's desk, rummaging through the drawers in search of Keith's paperclip box. Finally, he spots it under several papers on the desk instead of the drawers. However, upon reaching out for them he somehow knocks Keith's desk lamp off the edge and straight into the trash can by Keith's desk.
Sighing, Lance moves around the desk to fish the lamp out but he spots a clump of purple petals in the trash and his heart skips a beat, a feeling he recognizes right away. Worry. “Keith?” he breathes out just as the feeling of worry fades but he remembers it and he almost feels bitter that that's the first emotion he feels again.
It's a half hour before Keith gets back to the dorm and Lance is sitting on the futon, eyes focused on the trash can by the desk.
“Lance?” Keith questions, walking right past him to set his bag down. “Are... you okay?”
“Are you dying?”
Fear obviously crosses Keith's expressions but it's quickly replaced by confusion. “What?”
“The flower petals in your trash. You have it don't you?”
Keith's eyes seem to light up in a way Lance knows they shouldn't. “You got worried, didn't you? The flowers, they scared you because of me?” He asks far too excitedly.
“I—yeah but--”
“That was the point!” Keith laughs, grabbing both of Lance's hands into his own and pulling him to his feet. “Worry! They were fake, I wanted to spark something inside of you. The strongest emotion people have, worry for those they love.”
“That was...”
“Drastic. Like I told you this morning.”
“I think Hunk will love this.”
“I think everybody will.” Keith smiles, Lance nods, eyes flickering down to their hands. “I'm calling everybody to come over, alright?”
“Alright.”
o.O.o
It doesn't take long for all of their friends to show up at their door. The only thing they were told being “It's an emergency” but once they're all there, Keith is beaming and Lance stares at them all calmly.
“Lance felt worried.” Keith announces, triumphant smile spread across his face. “Like the actual feeling of worry because he thought I was sick--or--well he thought I had developed the Hanahaki Disease.” the others remain silent before slowly, one by one, glancing at Lance who remains still in his desk chair.
Allura is the first to jump in joy and pull Lance into a bear hug, tears welling in her eyes. Hunk is the second and Pidge is third while Shiro seems to sit in silent shock at the explanation. Lance smiles at all of them, not truly feeling happy or excited but knowing that he should. That it’s a big accomplishment for himself--for his friends… for Keith.
“Keith can we talk out in the hall?” Lance overhears Shiro usher the words and said person nods, both leaving the room. Allura, Hunk and Pidge take turns bombarding Lance with question after question but all he focuses on is the door and the two people behind it. What could they be talking about?
o.O.o
Keith and Lance are silent as they sit on the futon, movie credits rolling. It’s been days since Lance felt his first emotions again… days without another success like that.
“You need to hurry up…” Keith mumbles, Lance’s eyes flickering to the side to look at the raven haired boy.
“What?”
“Your emotions. You need to hurry up and feel again…” Keith further explains, letting his head fall back to rest against the wall and his eyes shut.
“I want to but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to trigger feelings again.... I know I should be afraid by that… but I’m not.”
They sit in silence for several minutes before keith tilts his head to the side to get a better look at Lance as he speaks cautiously. “What if I were dying?”
“What?”
“What if was dying.” Keith repeats, sitting up. “Hypothetically. Do you think you’d feel worried about that? Or anything else? Scared? Maybe regret or… or anything at all?”
“I would hope so.” Lance nods.
“I’m dying.”
Lance blinks a few times at the words, his expression completely emotionless. “Stop lying.” he finally whispers, deciding that he doesn’t want Keith playing with his emotions and thoughts just like the flower petals. It was too drastic of a measure for Lance to feel something. He didn’t like it.
“It’s true Lance, I am. That’s why I’ve been so desperate for you to feel something--anything again. Why would I lie about that?” Keith sounds as desperate as his words. He eyes are begging for Lance to believe him but Lance doesn’t want to believe him.
“Stop. This is just like the petals, you were lying, you’re just trying to work me up and I don’t like that Keith. It’s an awful tactic.”
“It’s true! The petals were real but I didn’t want you to be completely worried about it. But I needed you to know now because--because it’ll be too… Lance are you crying?”
Nodding at the question, Lance rubs at his eyes, “I want you to stop. Stop lying, stop.” Lance knows he’s meant to be crying in a situation like this, he knows and it’s reflex when his eyes begin to feel moist but he doesn’t recognize the emotions he’s feeling. But he does know he’s feeling something. He just can’t.... name it.
“I’m sorry, Lance, please stop crying.”
“Who is it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Who caused it for you?”
“... You.”
Lance chokes on a sob and his chest feels tight. “I’m doing it for you… Keith please just… please.”
o.O.o
Time seems to go by at a snail's pace after that. Everyday Lance tries to feel more and more and some days he succeeds and others he doesn’t. He spends as much time with Keith as humanly possible, noticing that he seems to feel the most amount of emotions when he’s around Keith of all people. Some days he feels excited and others he feels frustrated with his slow progress. He begins to feel amused, begins to feel angry again. But love is an emotion he doesn’t seem to feel very often. He feels worry the most… he feels fear the strongest when Keith finally ends up in the hospital.
He’s not there when Keith falls to his knees in the middle of class, choking and coughing up petals. He meets the others at the hospital though and he seems to feel nothing but fear all day.
Day after day Lance goes to the hospital to spend time with Keith. They talk about everything, about classwork, about their friends, their families, Lance kisses Keith’s palm once and he notices the blush cross the boy’s cheeks. Everyday the doctors ask Keith if he wants the surgery, if he’s changed his mind yet and every day is the same answer.
No.
Lance wants to be angry every time he hears the answer but he knows why. He knows because it was the same answer he would’ve given if he had been given the option to turn down the surgery. Lance notices after about two weeks that when he holds Keith’s hand he feels the most amount of emotions. Fear, worry, regret, pain… all the emotions he doesn’t want to experience but it makes him feel human again, it makes him feel hope and so they hold hands through most of Lance’s visit every time.
“Hey Lance?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you marry me?”
Shock. Surprise. Joy. Three emotions Lance doesn’t mind feeling, in that exact order. “Of course.” Lance laughs, pressing his lips to Keith’s knuckles. “Of course I’ll marry you.”
“Thank you.”
“But you have to get better first. You have to get out of the hospital.” Lance adds, stroke his thumb over the back of Keith’s hand.
“I know.”
“Then after you’re better and out of the hospital we can both finish school. We can have our wedding on the beach.” Lance goes on, Keith smiling at every word. “We’ll get a big house--no, a huge house. We’ll adopt four kids and some dogs and cats and we’ll fill the whole house with love… so… so much love.” Lance goes on, tears spilling down his cheeks. “Love… Keith, we’ll fill that house with love because…”
Lance doesn’t finish the sentence and Keith’s smile slowly dissolves from his face. “I’d love that.” Keith finally whispers. “That sounds like the best thing we could ever do.”
“Keith I think… I think it was you who caused my Hanahaki Disease in the first place…”
Keith doesn’t respond right away, he just nods, his grip tightening around Lance’s hand. “Lance do you love me?”
It’s Lance’s turn to remain silent… did he? He wanted to but did he? He could… “I don’t… feel that towards you but I want to, I wish I could. I… I wish I could again, I would give anything to say that I love you the right way and actually mean it. I just don’t know how.”
“I wish that too.”
o.O.o
The days go by slowly again and Lance has hope that Keith is getting better. That the medication is working, that he’s getting better without the surgery. That it’s because of how much time they’ve spent together, that maybe just his presence is enough to give Keith that hope for love.
Of course, it seems like fate is never on Lance’s side.
It’s a Thursday afternoon when he gets to the hospital, when he’s just down the hall from Keith’s room where alarms are blaring.
His heart drops.
He’s screaming Keith’s name without realizing it and his feet pick up the pace without his permission. He slams past a nurse who tries to force Lance back out of the room but he just pushes harder until he’s by Keith’s side. The nurses and doctors are screaming orders, some trying to pull Lance from the room but he remains in place until Keith reaches for his hand. Tears are streaming down Keith’s face as his body shakes, convulses and Lance feels a flood of emotions. Everything at once. Fear, worry, pain, regret, hate… love.
“Keith! Keith! Stay with us, come on, Keith you’re stronger than this!” the words echo in Lance’s head, words a nurse is shouting from Keith’s other side.
Where was Shiro… where were the others. Lance s in a panic as a breathing tube is shoved down Keith’s throat and the words emergency surgery are being repeated over and over.
“Keith you--you idiot! You should’ve done it!” Lance sobs as Keith’s grip goes limp and his hand is pulled from Lance’s own hand. “You should’ve done it when you had the chance!” Lance sobs as two nurses keep him in place and Keith’s bed is rolled from the room. “You should’ve stayed alive for me--for us!”