Chapter Text
They were speeding down the road back to Samwell. Derek had already relayed to Holster the whole story of how he had made the wish on the Stanley Cup and woken up the next day in Will’s body, and he was quick to bring up his own questions when Holster explained how Will had come out to him and Ransom after the dib flip. Holster told him how Will had expressed his need to stay at the Haus over the summer having been kicked out of his foster family’s house over Christmas, and when Derek burst into tears over the fact, Holster stared at him until a car behind them blared the horn because he had drifted partway into the next lane.
“Shit man,” he said, turning his eyes back to the road. “You didn’t know?”
“No, I — Why does this fucking body cry so fucking easily?” Derek wailed. He planted his heels on the seat and tucked his chin on his knees.
Holster snorted. “Right. So there he was, crying his heart out and he told us that he didn’t have a home to go to and that he hadn’t wanted to put it on any of us to support him. Rans asked why it had happened and he did that same thing he just did today. He went all tense and spat out that he’s gay and then we had to hold off on our questions because… Well, because he went into an anxiety attack. Second one in two days.”
“Fuck,” Derek breathed. “Why didn’t he just tell me?”
“About his family?”
When Derek croaked out a “yes,” Holster shrugged. “We assumed he had. It happened Christmas Day and the break up — He never made out that it was because he wasn’t telling you things. He wanted to take the blame a hundred percent, but—”
“That's bullshit. As if he's the only one to blame. But what did he even think I would do? Did he really — I thought I made it clear that I wanted him to tell you guys for himself not because I was trying to force him out the closet. Every time he had to lie about it he— God, but it's not like—” Derek cut himself off and wrung his hands, trying to shake away the anxiety rumbling through him.
“Bro, seriously. It’s not the coming out that was an issue. Well, it was an issue, but it wasn’t you. He knew you weren’t trying to force him into any unsafe situations. That’s probably why he didn’t tell you about his family, man, because he knew you’d be upset he put himself in that position.”
“Fuck, of course I’d be upset about that. They might be shit, but they’re his family. I get that. And the girls — But I wouldn’t have been upset with him. I’d be upset for him.”
“Nursey. Dex hasn’t been well in a long time, okay? He really needed those therapy sessions, and I’d love to say you could have supported him through them instead of Rans and me, but he needed to be on his own for a bit. Maybe both of you needed this.”
Derek sniffed. “Sure.”
Holster didn’t say anything else until they were parked outside the Haus. “I’m not taking sides. I want both of you to be happy, and that doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. For any of it, if you don’t want.”
Derek shook his head and climbed out the Jeep. “I already forgave him.”
“Nursey—”
Derek let the front door slam open. “Lei?”
“Der?”
Her voice came from the den. He dropped onto the green couch next to her and buried his head into the scarf which fell over her shoulders.
“Hey, Der-bear,” she muttered.
“He’s hurting so much, Lei.”
“He hurt you first, aboowe .”
Derek shook his head. “It was before. He was hurting before and I didn’t notice. I couldn’t help him or give him what he needed and he was already hurting. He was just trying to protect himself, and it’s his brain that got it wrong, but it wasn’t his fault.”
She adjusted her arms to hold him tighter. “Justification, not an excuse.”
Derek grunted in acknowledgement. “He didn’t tell me, though. He’s not been reaching for excuses.”
“You’re making excuses for him.”
“No, Lei. I’m forgiving him now I understand why he acted how he did. He’s already told me he knows it was wrong, and he’s apologized for hurting me. It’s the one thing I didn’t get. How he could — If he really loved—” He swallowed and hugged her tighter. Holster’s hand was firm on his back, but he could only take a little comfort from having people around him. Everything was still a big mess.
It felt like an age before Will and Ransom arrived. By then, Leila had made steaming mugs of tea, and pulled Derek’s head into her lap while Holster put on Golden Girls . She carded her fingers through Will’s short hair, and though Derek didn’t feel as comforted by it as he normally did, he closed his eyes and let himself relax into the touch. When the door opened, the three of them looked up to see Will staring at the screen. Holster turned to Ransom.
“Is he still—”
“No,” Will replied. “I — I’m okay.”
“Will,” Derek croaked. He winced over how tender the skin was when he wiped his cheeks. He swung his legs off Holster’s lap and stood. “Will, can we—”
“I’m sorry.” Will lifted his arms, then seemed to change his mind. Derek tugged on his elbow, and he fell into his arms.
“It’s okay.”
Will shook against him. When he sobbed into Derek’s shoulder, Derek started to tear up again.
“Can we talk?” he asked, wiping his nose on the cardigan that Will wore.
“Gross,” Will muttered, but as it was Derek’s cardigan, Derek didn’t apologize.
“Can we?”
“I — Later, yes. But right now — I can’t — I — I’m sorry. I’ll — No. I’ll try. Of course we can talk.”
Derek sighed. He didn’t want to force anything before Will was ready, not even a conversation.
“I’m Ransom, by the way, and this is Holster,” Derek heard Ransom say behind them.
“Leila. I’m Derek’s sister.”
“Swawesome. So, Leila. Has your brother ever taken you to Jerry’s?”
Derek took the conversation as a cue to push Will in the direction of the stairs. He kept his hand firmly on Will’s back and rubbed in small circles when they reached the landing. “Come on, baby,” he muttered. “You’re okay, now.”
Will leaned into him and let Derek guide him to the bed, where Derek pulled the blanket around him and made him sit. He tucked Tigger into Will’s arm, and pressed a kiss to his forehead, just as his mom always did for him whenever he was going through a tough time at home.
By the time Derek had grabbed a box of Kleenex, Will had curled up on the foot of the bed, hugging Tigger to his chest. Silent tears trickled over his cheeks and onto the tissue that Derek dabbed against his face.
“I’m so sorry.” Derek didn’t dare speak above a whisper. The words shook. “I’m sorry I didn’t see—” He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Will’s temple. “Sorry. We don’t have to talk about it now.”
A hand curled around the back of his neck. “I’m sorry,” Will croaked back. “I’m sorry, Derek, I—” Will fidgeted until Derek gave him the room to sit up. He shuffled back on the bed so that they were sat cross-legged across from each other, not touching though Derek desperately wanted to hold his hand. “Dan — After I left yours at Christmas—”
“It’s okay,” Derek hastened to assure him. “Holster told me everything. We don’t have to talk yet if—”
“No. I — I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I should have—”
“Will. You were in no way required to tell me. If you were going to tell me, I’d hope it was because you trusted me and you wanted me to know, rather than just out of some misguided sense of obligation to me as your boyfriend.”
“I did — I do trust you.”
“But not with that?” Derek asked, trying to keep the sharpness out of his voice. He shouldn't be going into this now. Not when Will was probably still feeling the effects of the dissociation. But— “Not enough to just tell me that had happened instead of letting me bring up over and over that coming out didn’t have to include people who had already kicked you out for being gay? Fuck . The number of times I must have brought that up. No wonder you were pushing back on the coming out thing.”
Will shook his head and rested a hand on Derek’s cheek. He took a shaky breath before he spoke. “That’s not why I broke up with you. It was — I admit part of it was because I didn’t know how to talk to you but that was my problem, my mental shit, nothing to do with you and I wasn’t blaming you with it. I didn’t break up with you because you were encouraging me to let more people in. I was in a really fucked up place, Derek. I put myself in a terrible place because I didn’t want to make you worry so I didn’t tell you shit I should have done. Or Chowder or Cait. That’s why I broke up with you. It had gone too far. It — It wasn’t fair to you for me to keep doing that when I needed help. We were going to break up anyway. We needed such completely different things, then.”
Derek flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He could acknowledge the truth in Will’s words, that they had been in completely different places to each other. Trying to push through a relationship was naive and futile. One of them had been bound to break sooner or later. The cracks had been showing for a long time. Derek knew, though, that he had never felt love so intensely as his love for Will. He had never been on the receiving end of a love so fierce. He had been pampered and cared for by his family all through his childhood, but somehow with Will it was different. When it was Will, he felt romantic. Derek had never been romantic. He could appreciate it in cliché movies and emotional language and the color of the sunset, but he had never experienced it for himself. He had never understood why people strove for it before Will.
“I wish we were still together,” he said into the space between them. “Except I kind of don’t because I trusted you with everything. I trusted you with all of me and my life and my sexuality. I trusted you with sex. And you knew — Or soon enough you knew how big a deal that had been for me and you held my hand while I tried to figure it out, how I could be ace and falling in love. But you didn’t trust me, and I hurt you more because of it and that worries me. I need to know that if you don't want to talk to me about something you can at least talk to Chowder or to someone. ”
“I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could—” Will choked out a sob. Derek reached out and took his hand. “I’m sorry,” Will repeated. “I’m getting help. I talk to Jeanie. And I’m — I trust you. I do . And I want to talk to you about these things. I’ll — I don’t know how to do it tonight. Everything’s so jumbled in my head, but I’ll do anything, Derek. I’d do anything to show you how much you mean to me. I’m going to come out to the team. Properly, I mean, because I don’t think that they got it was me earlier.”
A smile played on his lips as he tried to make light of the situation. It only made Derek feel worse. “No, Will. I don’t want you to come out to them like that. It doesn’t even matter what I want. You come out or don’t come out to whoever you want. You don’t owe anyone your sexuality.” He thought back to Leila saying the same thing that morning, and he ached to think he had put that pressure on Will. “I’m sorry for making you feel you had to come out to make me happy. I — I know our situations are different. You don’t have to be out to be happy.”
“What if I want to for me? Jeanie says facing my fears is the best way to get past them. Like cutting back on showers. That gets easier every day. And… what I was most scared of has already happened now. They found out, and I got kicked out. Both of you are right. The team aren’t going to do anything to me, and I know that, even if it’s hard to make myself believe it. But they’ll be more people I can talk to. More people you can talk to.”
“Don’t come out because you’re scared, either. That’s worse than not coming out because you’re scared.”
Will shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I — Look, we already tried a relationship based on secrecy and lies and it was shit. It was the absolute worst when it wasn’t the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I know a lot of that was me thinking it was destined to fail but it was also that neither of us had anyone to talk to. Having Ransom and Holster around this summer saved me. It was so much better than I thought it could be, because they were there, and I want more of that. The team can’t have my back if they don’t know what might be wrong. If we’re — If we’re going to try at us again, I’d much rather it be out in the open this time. Based on truth, and both of us having the support we need. I’m not saying I want to post it all over Facebook and Twitter, but I don’t want to have to hide in the Haus.”
“You’re sure?” Derek had to check, even though he could see the sincerity and desperation written all over Will’s face. “There are other ways—”
“I’m sure.”
Derek pushed himself up on his elbow so he could look at Will properly. He ran a finger down his nose, and his finger shook when it moved to trace over his cheekbone. Will lay still as Derek’s thumb pressed over his bottom lip. “You’re talking like we’re already back together,” he finally said, drawing his hand away.
“Shit. I am. I’m sorry, you don’t want — You deserve—”
Derek grabbed onto his wrist before he could wriggle away. “I want you. Not when you look like me, but—”
Will choked out a laugh. He pushed up, and Derek moved with him until Will straddled his lap, their noses knocking against each other as they breathed each other in. “No, this is super weird.”
“Yeah,” Derek agreed, but neither of them pulled away.
“We take this so slow. Snail’s pace. And nothing happens until we’re back to ourselves.”
Derek nodded. “Get off my lap then.”
“It’s my lap,” Will pointed out, but he climbed off and sat the other side of the bed. “Slow,” he repeated, to keep them on topic. “Slow, and we keep checking in with each other. Every day if we need to. So much communication. I’m not going to say no more secrets, because that’s not fair, but more communication, definitely.”
“Okay.”
“Is there anything you need? From me? Or just in general for us to do if we’re going to do this?”
Derek cast his mind around, but it felt like everything had already been covered. They were going to work on talking to each other, and being honest. The team would know, so that would make things easier, and going slow would keep them both in control of the situation. The only other thing to consider was — “Chowder. We’re not starting anything until he knows and he’s had the chance to say if there’s anything that worries him and we can talk about it.” Chowder knew both of them better than they knew themselves.
Will already had Derek’s iPad in his hand and pulled up FaceTime.
They shifted closer together so that both of them could see when Chowder appeared on the screen.
“Hi you two! Are you okay? Dex?”
“Yeah. I’m okay, now.”
“You’re safe?”
“I’m safe.”
Chowder relaxed and they watched the background move as he put some distance between himself and the bed where Farmer was asleep. A light turned on and he sat down on a black couch.
“Where are you?” Derek asked.
“Oh! This is the hotel the Falcs have put me up in for the development camp. It’s ‘swawesome. This is like a little sitting area which is separated from the bedroom by this wall.” The camera switched round so that they could see how a divider separated off the area he was sat in. “And the mini fridge is all stocked up and then there’s this massive TV that has like a bajillion channels.” The camera switched back to Chowder’s face. “And! They were totally cool with me asking if Cait could stay too! And when I asked if we could have our room a couple of nights early. I think because of recovering from the Bolts’ camp?”
“That’s nicer than the one Nursey got for the Pens,” Will commented.
“Yeah, but I’m not friends with Sidney Crosby,” Derek pointed out. “It probably makes a difference if you’ve got Jack Zimmermann talking you up.”
Will hummed. “You think Chowder needs Jack to talk him up? Anyone would be lucky to have the best goalie in the NCAA.”
“Good point,” Derek conceded. “When does the camp start, again?”
“Wednesday!” Chowder replied, blushing furiously.
“Oh.” Derek couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice. He had hoped that it would be Thursday or Friday, so that they could meet up when he got back from his parents’ house.
Chowder’s face fell. “Why?”
“I just — I hoped we could talk. But it’s the last day of Ramadan tomorrow so Wednesday’s the earliest — Or I guess there’s tomorrow morning, but we still don’t know — And Ransom and Holster will be here.”
“I’ll come up tomorrow. No question.”
“No, C, don’t — You enjoy your time with Farms.”
Chowder smiled, but shook his head.
“We can talk now a bit,” Will suggested cautiously. “We just — ” He glanced at Derek, but neither of them seemed to know what to say.
“When did you swap?” Chowder asked.
“Thursday,” Derek told him. “I wished on the Stanley Cup that we could see each other’s point of view.”
“Fuck,” Chowder breathed. “And you’re still—”
“Yeah.”
“Are you — I mean, do you think you have? Seen each other’s point of view?”
They exchanged hesitant looks. “I think it’s given us the chance and reason to talk through all the things we needed to. I don’t think we can see it completely from each other’s point of view, though. Not really,” Will said, slowly.
“There’s little things that we’ve seen more of,” Derek added. “Anxiety and how other people tend to treat us a bit?” He glanced at Will, who nodded his agreement. “But as Dex says, we might be looking at the world through each other’s eyes but we’re not learning what it is to be in each other’s minds.”
“That’s okay,” Chowder said. “You don’t have to know every little thing, or every thought or whatever to understand each other enough to make it work.”
Derek let himself lean into Will. Will snaked an arm around his waist and took the contact as permission to speak for the two of them. “That’s why we rang you, actually. We wanted to know if you thought we could make it work.”
Chowder was quiet as he fidgeted around on the couch, and eventually got up and paced thoughtfully. He settled against the wall, staring off over the top of his phone absently, then his eyes snapped back to the screen. He searched their faces.
“Nursey? Is this what you want?”
“Yes.”
“Dex?”
Will nodded without any hesitation. “Yes.”
“Then it can work,” Chowder said, simply.
“But do you think—”
“Tell me what you’ve already decided.” He didn’t elaborate, but Will nodded, understanding immediately what he meant.
“That we go slow. And we communicate better by checking in with each other every day. Whether that be mental health or how we’re feeling about the relationship or whatever we need to talk about. And...” He paused and his eyes flickered to Derek, who frowned back. Why did he look nervous?
Will’s chest moved against Derek's as he took a deep breath. “I know that no matter how much research I do, I’m never going to know what it’s like to be Black, or to be Muslim, or… or to be anything that isn’t a cis White guy, but I do know that I have to make a bigger effort this time around to check myself. To check my privilege and not put Derek— not put either of you down. Or anyone else. And I’m going to be there however you need me to be. You can rant to me, or if you don’t want to talk to me about it at all, I’ll understand and I won’t push.”
Derek squeezed Will’s knee. “I’ll always let you know,” he said. “Which it is. It would be shit for your anxiety if I wasn’t talking to you and you didn’t know why so I’ll let you know.”
Will hugged him tighter.
“It can definitely work,” Chowder said, smiling affectionately at them.
“I’m going to come out to the team,” Will told him. “So you won’t have to keep it a secret this time.”
Chowder narrowed his eyes, but whatever he saw in Will’s face satisfied him, because his expression cleared and he grinned at them. “I’m so happy for you! We can have dates again.”
“That’s the only reason he wants us back together, you know,” Derek told Will. “Farms wouldn’t go for pizza if it was just the two of them.” Will rolled his eyes.
“No!” Chowder protested as he crawled back into bed. “I just want you both to be happy. I love you.”
“Love you, too, C,” Derek told him fondly, and Will agreed.
There was mumbling on Chowder’s end of the call, but the camera jerked around so that they couldn’t see anything. When it refocused, Farmer was squinting at Chowder. “Tell Nursey and Dex you love them,” Chowder told her.
“Wha—?” She noticed the call on his phone and her eyebrows raised. “Oh! Hi guys. Wow okay. Congrats. When’s the wedding?”
“We’re not getting married,” Will said, but she had already rested her head on Chowder’s chest and closed her eyes again.
Derek smiled softly at the screen. “We should let you go. And we should sleep, too. It’s been a long day, and tomorrow — I don’t know what it’s going to be like, but—”
“Okay,” Chowder said. “Goodnight. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
After they had said their goodnights, and hung up, Will turned to Derek. “About Eid—”
“No matter what happens tomorrow morning,” Derek told him, “we’ll both go to New York.”
He could see the surprise on Will’s face, and wanted to ask him why he found it so hard to believe when people included him in their family events, but instead he turned his attention to looking for the sweatpants he had slept in the night before. Will nodded and disappeared into the bathroom.
The bedroom blurred when he tried to open his eyes, so Derek squeezed them shut again and pressed his face into Will’s back, breathing in his scent, and enjoying the warmth of his bare skin against his —
Derek’s eyes flew open. His lips brushed Will’s freckled back. It was Will’s red hair which tickled his nose when he lifted his head, and his own trimmed nails which ran across Will’s stomach, testing if this was real.
“Holy shit.”
Derek leaned over Will, mapping all his contours and blemishes with his eyes. It was hard to watch Will sleep, and not remember how twitchy and restless he used to be at night. How in frog year, he had kicked and turned and been downright uncomfortable to share a bed with, until anxiety medication had calmed him, but even well into sophomore year he would wriggle in his sleep. He definitely would have flinched by now, with Derek bracketing his body with his hands, but he was completely still. His face was calm and untroubled.
Derek rested his forehead against Will’s cheek. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“M’sleeping,” Will muttered back, without opening his eyes.
“Morning, beautiful.”
“No, you’re beautiful.”
Derek chuckled at the groggy response. He crawled out of bed, to the continued groans of Will, who pulled the blanket closer around his shoulders and held Tigger tight. Derek brushed his teeth quickly, and went back to the bedroom to put Will’s toothbrush in his hand.
“Ugh,” Will groaned again, and forced himself up, saving Derek a dirty look on his way. Derek stared after him.
“I’d love to chirp you right now, but having experienced how exhausted you are in the mornings, I don’t think I can.”
“Wha—?” Will asked from around his toothbrush.
Derek sat back on the bed, and waited for him to work it out.
“Oh my God!”
The clatter of a toothbrush being thrown into the sink was followed by Will racing back into the bedroom and flinging himself at Derek. They rolled over twice and Derek had to slam a hand on the mattress to stop them falling off the bed. His other arm gripped around Will’s waist; his body shook with laughter.
“Bet you’re glad I bought a big bed, now.”
“Shut up.” Will bumped their noses together. “You’re back. You’re actually— We’re back.”
His smile was contagious and his eyes were shining.
“Yeah,” Derek agreed. “We are.”
He rolled them away from the edge of the mattress, so that they were lying next to each other, and he ran a finger down Will’s nose, enjoying the way it crinkled up at the touch.
Will snorted. “What are you doing?”
“Appreciating that you look like you again. Did you mean it last night?”
“Hmm?”
“Are we back as in… We’re trying at us again?”
Will’s eyes darted away and his body went rigid. “I—”
“Oh. Okay.” Derek’s voice cracked.
“I don’t— I mean— I’m—”
“You don’t have to explain. If you’re not ready or — ”
“It’s not that.” Will’s eyes snapped back to his, and he put a hand on Derek’s cheek. “Just give me a second to fight the thoughts trying to tell me it’s a bad idea.”
Derek frowned, but he leaned his forehead against Will’s. “You want to talk it through?”
“M’so scared of hurting you again. It’ll be worse, won’t it? If we fail a second time. And I — I don’t ruin everything, I know that. I’m not the reason my family’s all gone, but — but I can’t stop thinking about that, and if I’m hurting you just by trying.”
“I forgive you for being human,” Derek muttered. “And I love you for trying.”
Will’s thumb traced over his cheekbone. “Are you sure you want to be with me when I’m still such a mess?”
“I’m a mess, too, so we’re perfect for each other,” Derek joked, but Will’s silence softened his tone. “I’m going to call Jeanie later.”
“But—”
“She might be able to recommend someone who can help me.”
A crease appeared between Will's eyebrows and Derek tried to smooth it out with his thumb. “I probably don't have the right to ask this,” Will said.
Derek waited for him to elaborate, but he never did. “You can ask me anything, I just might not give you the answer you want.”
“I— Can you not drive when you're dissociating? That's so dangerous and I can't believe you got me to drive last night.”
“It's not that bad. It's all automatic pilot. We're all safe aren't we?”
“Derek. You know what about being a passenger makes me anxious. Please. ‘Automatic pilot’ while dissociating is about as much control as not being behind the wheel at all.”
Derek's heart twisted at the worry in Will's voice. He tightened his arm around him and nodded. “Okay. I'm sorry. For getting you to drive. I thought I was doing the right thing but it was kind of stupid so I'm sorry. And I won't do it again. With me either. Promise.”
“Thank you,” Will breathed. Their eyes flickered over each other, half-lidded but shining.
“Yeah.” Derek trailed his hand down Will's spine.
Will closed in until their noses were nudging at each other’s cheeks and their breaths were joined together, but he let Derek be the one to press their lips together, just as he had always in the past. They had only traded a few soft kisses when Derek’s fingers flew up to dig into Will’s hair. When he tugged, he drew out a soft moan which made him grin into Will’s lips.
“You’re the worst,” Will told him.
Derek hummed, moving his attention to Will’s jawbone. “You love me.”
“Yeah. No hickeys.”
Derek’s head stilled above where he had been about to drop his kisses to Will’s neck. “I’m hungry.”
“Doesn’t mean you can eat me .”
“No, no, I just meant — Breakfast?”
“I can’t believe I forgot how smooth you are.”
They were halfway down the stairs when the sound of voices from the kitchen reminded them that they weren’t the only ones in the Haus. Will’s steps faltered.
“Hey. Look at me,” Derek said, tugging on his hand. “It’s just Rans and Holtzy and Leila. They all already know.”
Will’s face was pale and his eyes darted from side to side when he swallowed. He nodded and let Derek guide him the last few steps.
Will's fingers tightened around Derek’s when Ransom, Holster and Leila snapped their heads towards them. Derek squeezed back.
“Good morning,” he offered.
Leila’s eyes flickered down to their hands before she responded, “Morning…”
“You sit down. I'll get breakfast,” Will said.
“I can — ” Derek clamped his mouth shut when he saw the need in Will's eyes to do something with his hands and focus on something practical. “Thank you.”
Leila eyed him warily when he sat down next to her, so he figured he should answer one question he was sure they had. “Morning,” he said again, but this time he spoke in Somali and he punctuated the greeting with a kiss to Leila’s cheek.
“Are you sure about this, Der?” She spoke loud enough that Will had definitely heard, but he didn’t turn away from the stove.
Derek sighed. “Can you stop treating me like a child and accept that I can make my own decisions about who I want to date?”
Leila looked irritated. “Derek.”
Will put a cup of tea, and a bowl of oatmeal in front of him, but rather than sitting down or turning to get his own breakfast, he raised an eyebrow at Leila. “Let’s talk. Upstairs.”
When they had left, Derek frowned at Ransom and Holster. “Are you going to give me the shovel talk, now, too?” It was strange, thinking that they had chosen Will over him. Or… Holster had said the day before that he wasn’t choosing either one of them, but at the very least it was Will they had spent the summer comforting and talking to and being around. Even if they tried not to take sides, it was obvious who they would defend.
“I don’t think that’s at all necessary.” Ransom frowned at Derek as if he were a particularly hard puzzle to solve. “Nursey. You know we don’t blame you, right? You’re still our bro.”
Derek stared at the table. His hand clenched around his spoon, and a lump formed in his throat. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Ransom’s words, but he was sceptical that being completely unbiased was possible.
Ransom rested his hand on Derek’s shoulder. “Nursey. I’m sorry.”
“We both are,” Holster agreed. He moved to sit in Leila’s vacated seat.
“Because you chose Will?” Derek was certain that was what they meant, but he needed to hear it out loud. Maybe he was masochistic.
“On Friday, you said you missed us,” Ransom reminded him. “We thought it was Dex, so we didn’t think about it, but we were talking about it again last night, knowing that had been you. We shouldn’t have let you push us away so easily. We should have been better friends and realized that you not replying to anyone, and using being busy as an excuse was a sign things weren’t right. Especially given we knew what had happened between you and Dex.”
“I wasn’t depressed,” Derek told them. That’s what it sounded like Ransom was assuming, but Derek had lain through the sleepless nights, and started at least twenty new books, and spent a week with his credit cards and phone and laptop locked in his mothers’ safe because of impulses to go online shopping. He’d been paranoid, and wanted a joint despite knowing that it was the worst thing for him in that condition. (He didn’t smoke, anyway. He hadn’t since that time after his Andover graduation). He was the furthest from depressed.
“You were struggling, and we made you do it on your own. All it would have taken was us pulling you aside before the summer and saying ‘hey, we know you and Dex were together and have just broken up,’ and you would have known there was someone you could talk to.”
“I had Chowder. And my family.”
Ransom sighed. “We all know Dex told Chowder to look after you and that probably means he was treating you like you're breakable. Add on that he’s Dex’s best friend as much as yours, and were you actually talking to him?”
Derek shifted awkwardly. “I guess not.”
“And your family?” Holster asked.
“I—” He searched for the right words. “Every time I talked to them, I found myself wanting to defend Will.”
“Right,” Ransom said, with force. “because they’re one hundred percent on your side and while that’s great, they don’t know him like you do.”
Derek swallowed and nodded. That was the next thing to worry about. As Will’s need to have a talk with Leila proved, the Nurses might not accept Will into their family as easily for a second time as they had the first. Derek wanted to share his happiness with his mothers, but they would most likely meet the news, and Will, with distrust.
“We love you, bro,” Holster told him. “We’ll worry that you’re jumping into this too fast, and that you’re forgiving him when you haven’t given yourself time to heal, but—” He glanced at Ransom for help.
“We know that you can figure those things out for yourself,” Ransom supplied. “And as long as both of you are happy, we’re happy.”
A knock on the doorframe made Derek turn around, mid-nod. Leila peered in at them, and Will stood behind her looking surprisingly calm.
“For the record,” Derek said, responding to Ransom and Holster, but talking more to Leila than either of them, “with the whole healing thing, I’m going to make an appointment to see a therapist.”
“I’m going to work harder at communication, too. With Nursey and with the rest of the team,” Will added.
When Leila nodded, it was a sign of her approval.
Derek beckoned Will over and pulled him onto his lap before he could protest. “No fines while we’re getting our shit together and Dex is learning that it’s okay to be gay.”
“Uh, wait a minute—” Holster said, in a loud voice, but Ransom hit him in the stomach. “Oof. Fine. Okay. That’s fine as in I accept your terms, not fine as in give us money for the cutsie lap sitting and hand holding and googly eyes.”
Will rolled his eyes, but he didn’t make to move. Derek pressed a smile into his neck.
Ransom’s phone beeped. He winced when he checked it. “Chowder says they’ll be here in a few minutes.”
“What?” Will asked. “Who?”
“I don’t — The whole team, I think.”
“It’s okay,” Will muttered to himself. Derek squeezed his waist. “It’s okay,” Will repeated. “I’m staying here. They can — They can see. They need to know. I’m serious, I need to tell them.”
His foot tapped against Derek’s leg, and his body started to shake.
“Okay. Okay, babe, but breathe. There’s no pressure. No rush, either.”
Will grabbed his hand, and held on like this was the game winning shot of the Frozen Four, and only he could take it. Together, they breathed.
At the sound of the door, Will jumped off Derek’s lap, and crashed into another chair. The team piled into the kitchen just as Will shot Derek a horrified look, which melted into remorse. Derek shook his head. It didn’t matter if Will was ready to tell them or not. The last thing he wanted was for Will to feel pushed into coming out.
“Is everything okay?” Chowder asked, before Tango had even closed the door behind him. “Nursey—” His eyes flickered to Will, who had his eyes closed and was focused on his breathing.
“I’m okay, C,” Derek said, pointedly. “I’m great, actually. Everything’s — It’s all good. All of it.”
Chowder lit up, and ran to hug Derek, knocking over a chair in the process. “That’s great! I’m so happy for you.”
The hug should have wrapped him in warmness and made him appreciative of all the friends he had around him, but instead he was consumed by the guilt of abandoning them all over the summer, and especially for how he had treated Chowder, who had only ever wanted the best for him. “C. Chris. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.”
“But I — ”
“I know what you’re saying sorry for. But don’t.”
“It wasn’t okay.”
Chowder sat back on the table to look him in the eye. Bitty coughed pointedly, and Chowder got off the table and picked up the fallen chair to sit on. “It wasn’t okay, and I accept your apology, but I also have to apologize to you, and there’s more important things to talk about right now, so just don’t. We’ll have a frogs sleepover later. Okay?”
Will opened his eyes. “A frogs sleepover sounds good. But we’re going to New York this afternoon.”
“And you know I’m at the Falconers development camp from tomorrow.” Chowder said. “I didn’t mean today, later. Next week sometime. Why are you still all the way over there? Get over here.”
At first Will grinned at Derek over Chowder’s shoulder while they hugged, but soon enough, they had leaned in his direction. Derek wrapped his arms around both of them and let out a huff of surprise when Will dropped into his lap again. Chowder careened into them, laughing even as Will shifted his grip to steady them before anybody fell off their chair.
“I missed you guys,” Chowder told them. Derek swallowed against a lump in his throat, and the way Will’s foot pressed against his was too firm to be an accident.
“I missed you, too,” Will said. “Both of you. We… We both missed you, C.”
“Boys,” Bitty cut in. “Not to interrupt this moment or anything, but I’m a little confused by all this.” He waved his hand vaguely in Derek and Will’s direction.
“Me too,” added Tango.
Will glanced at Derek. “We have something to tell you,” he said. “Well, first I have something to tell you, that I tried to tell you yesterday, but it didn’t really work.” He reached out, clasped Derek's hand, pulled it around his waist and squeezed hard. He took a deep breath, then let it out. When he had breathed in a second time, he finally told them. “I’m gay.”
There was a beat, and Derek could see half the team reassessing everything they had ever thought of Will.
“Huh,” Ollie said.
“And me and Nursey were in a relationship for a year and a half and broke up when we got dibs together because my anxiety was all over the place and now we’re back together.” The words fell out of Will’s mouth rushed and slightly garbled, and his hand started to feel sweaty, but he no longer trembled against Derek’s chest. Derek tightened his grip around his waist, and smiled into the back of Will’s neck.
“I’m proud of you,” he said, letting the words brush against Will’s skin. A shiver ran down Will’s spine.
“You were what now?” Bitty asked, with wide eyes.
“When did you try and tell us this yesterday?” Tango asked.
Will glanced at Derek, uncertainty clouding his face. “Oh, uh — It’s a long story?”
“It is,” Derek agreed. “What do you know about Stanley Cup magic?”
A tension in Will broke. He huffed out a laugh. “Oh my God, Derek, it’s not — ”
“What other logical explanation is there?”
“That’s logical?”
Ford cleared her throat. “From the beginning, boys.”
They turned back to her.
“I guess it really began at our Taddy Tour, when both of us wanted the hockey scholarship,” Will started. Derek hooked his chin over his shoulder, ready to help with the story.