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Derek finally caught up to Dex halfway back to their dorm. Dex had left the Haus at the first opportunity he had been given, and Derek had only realized after he had gone, but now he jogged to fall into step with him so that he could say, “That wasn’t cool, bro.”
“I have homework.”
“I don’t mean leaving. All that shit earlier about one and four. It’s so hypocritical.”
Dex span to face him. “ Hypocritical? How did you figure that?”
“‘That makes six gay people on the team and that’s not right’. When you’re…”
“What am I, Nurse?”
“I don’t know. Gay? Bi? You tell me.”
“I can’t be—” Derek cut Dex off with a frustrated noise. Dex held up a hand. “No. Listen to me. I can’t be out, and I don’t want to tell you why. But I wasn’t being hypocritical, and I wasn’t being fucking homophobic. I’m gay. I know that, I can say it to myself, to you if you won’t tell anyone else, but I can’t— I didn’t mean not right as in immoral I meant not right as in— It’s hard for me to understand a world where one in four people could be like that. LGBT or… can I... say queer?”
He looked lost, and Derek sighed. “You can say it if you want to reclaim it. If you were straight you couldn’t. Some people use it as a slur, and some people don’t like it being used about them because of it. I think it makes things easier.”
Dex frowned, but didn’t push the issue. “Before I came here the only gay people I knew were me and the three people I’d been with. The only gay or bi or… or anything as far as I knew.”
“You probably knew others, you just didn’t know that they were.”
“Yeah. But still. I knew four people total, including myself, and now I’m expected to believe that more people than that are on our hockey team? It just doesn’t sound right. Which I know it’s… hetero… whatever Holster said, but—”
“But now you’re confused. Holster knew about four before he found out about me. Then you make six. Six out of twenty-three that we know about. There's your one in four, and maybe more. A quarter of the people on our team identify as something other than straight or cis and it doesn’t line up with what you thought you knew.”
“And there’s all these terms I’ve never even heard before and I feel— I feel so fucking stupid for not knowing them.”
“Cis is to trans what straight is to gay.”
“So I’m cis?”
“If you’re male, then yes.”
“And you?”
“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I am.” Dex flashed him a look, and Derek bit his lip as he searched for the best words to explain it. “I’ve met a lot of people who’ve made me think about it. The more I do the more gender just seems meaningless, but I’ve never experienced any sort of dysphoria about it or anything like that. It’s more that the more I think about it, the more stupid labels and the gender binary seem. It never felt real to me, but I don’t think I’m agender either. I’m not sure how people know if they are. For simplicity’s sake, it’s easier to say I think I’m male and stop thinking about it before it gives me a headache. Especially when so many people would just say that I’m just trying to be different and progressive. Maybe… quoigender. If that’s a thing. I know quoisexual is, anyway. But I still don’t like labeling it.”
Dex didn’t say anything until he had swiped them into their building and they were in their room. “You need to give me like a dictionary or something.”
A smile appeared on Derek’s lips. It was good to see Dex trying, even if he only felt comfortable to ask the right questions when it was just the two of them. “I’ll make you one.”
“Hey, did you— Were you kidding? Am I the only person you’ve slept with or—?”
Nursey closed his eyes. He had been hoping Dex had missed that slip up. “Yeah.”
“And you’re… asexual?”
“I don’t know. Yes. No. Not completely. Because I really fucking wanted it with you, and it’s not just when I’m horny or whatever. Or maybe I first noticed it when I was horny, but I am—” He rubbed his face awkwardly.
“You have the hots for me?” Dex supplied. “Because that’s— I mean, I have the hots for you, too.”
Derek let out a laugh. “That’s one way of putting it, yeah. But I don’t normally… have the hots for people. I can count on one hand the ones I have, and I don’t know what it is that determines it because it’s not like demisexuality. Uh, that’s like you only feel sexual attraction when you have an emotional connection with someone. So I guess I’m ace with exceptions? Gray-ace. Or. I don’t know. Does it matter?” He bit his lip. He hoped it didn’t matter, and that Dex was just trying to figure out all the new language he had been trying to absorb since coming to Samwell.
“It does if you regret it. If you feel like I pushed you into it, or- or something.”
Derek shook his head. “I don’t regret it. I just don’t understand why I wanted it. Or why I still sort of want it.”
“I don’t know. It’s weird to think you’d feel that for me of all people. Like you say, we don’t get along. And it’s not like I’m— But I do think— I think if we both wanted to do that again, then there’s no reason why we can’t, but if you’re not really into sex…”
“I’m into it. Just because I don’t feel that attraction usually, doesn’t stop me getting horny. I’m just not into it with as many people, or if I’m not feeling horny anyway. I guess? I don't fucking know. I don't know how to describe it. Are you serious?” He stepped over into Dex’s half of the room, curiously. Dex grabbed his hand and pulled him onto his bed, so that they were sat down.
“No strings.”
Derek thought about it. It was debatable whether he really wanted to start something like this with Dex of all people — someone who had a lot to figure out still in terms of sexuality and who harbored some internalized homophobia and transphobia, no matter how much he denied it. On the other hand, it was so rare for Derek to find anyone who he was attracted to, and his libido had a tendency to go a little haywire when he was taking his meds. A sure way to channel that would be good. “Okay. Except when you say there’s no reason we can’t, Jack would kill us. The team and—”
“Jack’s not gonna know, Derek. Maybe a couple of strings. Nobody finds out. We just have sex, if and when you want to, and we don’t worry about what it means for us because that’s part of our deal. And the other thing is that we talk about shit. We’re going to talk about this loads and loads before we do anything else, okay? It’ll make things easier for the team if we’re not feeling all tense and wanting to yell at each other all the time because of some shitty communication over this. But we don’t tell a soul.”
“You’ve got such a way with words,” Derek told him with a grin. Dex hit him lightly in the arm. Derek grabbed his wrist and pressed his lips against the bone there, eliciting a sigh as Dex collapsed onto his back. Already breathless at the sight of Dex spreading himself out for him, even fully clothed, Derek leaned down to kiss the smirk off his lips, but all too soon there was a hand on his chest, pushing him gently away.
“I want to talk boundaries. I need to know you’ll be able to tell me if you’re ever not feeling it, or if you think this thing for me has gone. I already know that there’s more things you’re uncomfortable with than I am in terms of what I say to you when we’re having sex and… and stuff like that. I think all my lines like that are pretty extreme in comparison, so I wouldn’t expect you to be near crossing them, but I don’t want to risk hurting you because I got carried away.”
Dex’s words had Derek’s eyebrows flying up. He might know more about sexuality and gender, but Dex had been constantly surprising him at how mature he was about sex itself. He had never once questioned it when Derek had told him no, and he had been vigilant from the very first kiss about checking in for consent. More so than Derek himself, who wondered how that hadn’t been a blatant sign that he was much less experienced than Dex. “I want us to be equal. Not necessarily in what you do to me, I’ll do to you, because there’s definitely stuff I’m more comfortable, uh, giving than receiving or vice versa, but I don’t like it when it feels like one of us is getting more dominant than the other. Even if we… do anything after a fight, which honestly I’ve fantasized about so if you’re into that, too, it’ll happen, but it’ll only be good for me if we’re on level ground.”
“Okay. Good. That’s really useful for me to know. I’m not going to lie, I do like it, the whole dom/sub thing but that won’t play into it if you’re not okay with it. Equal’s good, too. And, uh, it’s probably a bit messed up that the fighting is a turn-on, but it is.”
Derek found himself searching Dex’s face for any hint that he was over-compromising, before he mentally berated himself. Both of their tastes were important, but it was more important to respect what someone didn’t want, than to indulge a desire or kink.
“I only want you to touch my hair if I give explicit consent.”
For a moment, Derek thought that Dex was going to ask why, but after a pause he just nodded. “Noted.”
“And that’s unlikely to happen.”
“Okay.”
“I think those are the main things? I’m not into anything weird, though, and there’ll definitely be times I just don’t want to.”
Dex chuckled. “Okay. If we’re not going to do anything crazy, we can probably manage with just asking before we try anything new? I’m happy both top and bottom, so obviously we’ll go for what you’re in the mood for, and I’d never assume consent for anything anyway. If you just want to cuddle, we’ll cuddle; if you want to fuck me into the mattress, you can definitely do that; if you need space, I’ll never push it; and if you want to make out like teenagers, that’s cool, too. One thing I’m still concerned about, though, is that we moved too fast last time. If it was your first time, uh, even then, it’s not supposed to hurt . Okay? If it hurts we need to do more prep, and we need more lube. I need you to tell me if anything doesn’t feel right at any time.”
“I— Oh.” Derek chewed on his lips. “Okay.”
Dex sighed. “I’m sorry. I should have pushed it at the time.”
“I told you I was ready. You didn’t know that I had no experience with it.”
“So? I still should have made sure.”
Derek shrugged, and looked at the pattern on Dex’s bedspread for a moment. “How about you? What are your lines?”
Dex thought about it for a moment before answering. “My main thing is condoms. I don’t care if both of us are definitely clean — either version of clean — it’s still important and not using condoms is like some weird commitment thing that I won’t do with a hook-up, and anyway I guess we’re still going to be able to sleep with other people if we want to, so we should be safe. Plus, the anus has so much bacteria in it. Even if you definitely don’t have an STD—”
Derek couldn’t help it. He burst into laughter. Dex hit him again, whining, “Stop laughing at me,” but his voice was weak and he let Derek lie down to spoon him.