Chapter Text
Felix wasn't dead. He hadn't jumped out the window. He wasn't lying head down on the cement, surrounded by a pool of his own blood. It didn't take Jisung long to figure where he was hiding. He knew Felix too well to even doubt where he was. A place known by the two of them only, a place that represented more than the leaves and the rocks and silly little things Jisung could have found on the street, that nothing had changed. And nothing would change, ever.
The neighborhood was dead. Lifeless. Covered in a thin dark layer. The abandoned house looked creepier and older and mysterious without the rays of the sun shining down on it. Against the dark night sky all Jisung could see was the crumbling walls that were nothing more than a ghostly silhouette of some previous existence. There were no signs of light, of movement, of life. It looked peaceful, unbothered and untouched by any sign of warmth. But the shades of the moon glowing down on it made it look even gloomier, and Jisung forgot for a moment that he knew the house at all. The isolated kingdom of their childhood stood by itself, still, shadows of the early night cornering it.
The wooden stairs creaked beneath his feet as he made his way to the house. Jisung opened the door, passing by broken windows and mouldy, browned wooden walls with water stains that once was a white wall. He wasn't really inside, the house lacked closure: walls were missing, and one could enter the house without even stepping through the threshold because walls were crumbled and had been broken down and Jisung was pretty sure he could be seen from outside. He walked through narrow doorways, his eyes still searching around for his friend. Jisung was prowling through uncharted territory, stepping into rooms and halls he had never seen before, making his way to the heart of the house. Goosebumps marked themselves on his arms, shivers running down his spine: besides the cold weather, he was frightened. He stopped when he reached the crooked staircase: it looked like it could collapse in any minute.
"Felix?" he called, his voice quavering and echoing, a shaky hand landing softly on the handrail. He was sure that if he pressed harder, the handrail and, the whole staircase for that matter, would come crumbling down.
Silence lingered long enough for Jisung to almost give up and leave, but something inside of him was absolutely sure his friend was there. He wouldn't give up on him. He stood still and called out again.
"Go away."
His voice had been a mere whisper in the wind, and Jisung thought that he had imagined it. He padded up the stairs, holding the handrail as if it would somehow hold him if the staircase broke down — of course it wouldn't.
Once he was upstairs, he scanned his surroundings. It took him a while to get used to the dark, and he still couldn't see Felix.
"I said go away, Jisung."
The voice came from one of the shadows indeed. He turned around, now feeling watched by a pair of eyes hiding somewhere in the shadows. Jisung stared blankly: Felix was sitting down on the wooden floor, his arms wrapping his legs closer to his chest. Still, he couldn't see his body, the moonlight glowing down on him up to his ankles. Jisung stood by the stairs, afraid of how his friend would react if he got closer. He took a deep breath.
"I don't know how you managed to escape but you need to go back."
He heard Felix tittering under his breath. "I don't want to. I hate it there. It hurts. It kills me."
"What do you mean? Why did you run away?" he blurted out, unconsciously. A part of him already knew the answer.
Silence. Felix took his time, and Jisung could hear that he was breathing uneasily. Jisung stepped forward towards Felix, slowly, quietly, his legs shaking but firm, determined.
Then, he spoke, as if he was about to cast the most terrible curse. "It's gotten worse."
Jisung took a few steps forward, until he could see Felix under the dim moonlight. His eyes gave him a hollow look, tired and black bags under his eyes that stood out from his now snow-white face that looked like a corpse's. His shoulders were hunched and his once rosy, chubby cheeks were now sagged, like they were too tired to cling to the bone beneath. He had been crying too, his eyes watery and broken — the light behind his eyes flickered, as if fighting to keep itself alive. Those beautiful rosy rounded lips were now lilac and shallow. His skin looked rough against his once soft, colorful skin, and he looked bony and extremely thin. Jisung noticed a few too many purple bruises on his arms and legs. He was wearing his regular clothes, no hospital gown — he must have changed them when no one was looking, Jisung thought — but still they looked a couple of sizes too big for him. Simply, he had withered.
His golden locks, that beautiful sun-kissed hair that Jisung loved so much, was all gone. Shaved off, like it was never there in the first place. "I didn't want you to see me like this. So weak. So... fragile."
Jisung sat down on the floor next to him, throwing an arm around his shoulders. Felix flinched, as if the mere thought of being this close to Jisung repulsed him. "It's okay," he said, as if those words had a magic spell. But they somehow did, at least on Felix, and he leaned closer to him and rested his head on his shoulder. They stood like that for a while, silent but comfortable despite the cold.
"The treatments stopped working," he confessed. Jisung glanced at Felix, quiet. Felix went on. "They simply stopped working. I-I don't know what happened. I was fine. But there were times when I couldn't even stand up. I was in so much pain. I would scream in agony. You weren't there with me, that hurt even more."
"Let's go back."
"I don't want to go back," he whined.
"But it's so cold, you'll freeze."
"I better kill my body before my body kills me. After all, it turned against me first."
They made eye contact. Felix's eyes reflected pain; Jisung's, pity. How he loathed seeing him like this. "Lixie, let me take you back, please."
Felix wasn't listening to him: a shy smile curved on his face. "Forget them, Jisungie. Forget them all. Let's run away, you and me. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again. Never is an awfully long time."
"Please, Lixie, don't do this. I beg you."
But he pushed him aside, clenching his teeth and fists, breaking the embrace. He landed a hand on Jisung's chest, as if preventing his friend from leaning forward. Suddenly, Jisung was much colder. "Forget it! You sound like a grown up, like those fucked up doctors that can't take the pain away from me. You're just like them! What have you turned into, Jisung? I don't recognize you anymore. Where's my twin? My best friend, my other self? I don't see him in you." His voice was breaking, tears pooling in his eyes. Jisung felt like he had betrayed him. But he didn't wait for a reply: Felix grabbed Jisung's shirt and pulled him closer, burying his dampened face in his chest. He wept, and Jisung stroked his now-bald head, reminding himself that he had to be strong. For him.
A few minutes went by until Felix stopped weeping. It felt as if he had drained all his misery out in those minutes, as if he had needed this to happen. As if, all along, he had needed him.
"I'm afraid, Jisungie," he snuggled. "I'm terrified."
He smiled, hiding his fears and insecurities and miseries behind an assurance, because his friend needed it. Jisung wiped the tears streaking down his cheeks. "Don't be."
"Sometimes when you would come to visit me, back at the hospital, I would smile at you. Most of the times, if not all of the times, I just smiled because of you. Because you were there with and for me. And sometimes I would smile because seeing you come through the door with a smile on your face created the illusion that life wasn't as bad as I thought it was. After all, I was alive. I was with you." His voice was muffled against Jisung's chest, but he could hear the panic in it. Jisung held him tighter.
"Why here, of all places?" Felix didn't answer. He didn't need to, because Jisung found the answer right there, on the cold wooden floor in the dark. Only when Felix faced a greater fear did he realize he wasn't afraid of the abandoned house, but that of being abandoned. Of being forgotten and wilted and unloved and unwanted. Of being left to die, alone, surrounded by people who didn't acknowledge his existence.
Felix sat straight, unburying his head from Jisung's chest and moving aside, now resting his head on the wall. He stretched his legs. "Do you know why when we were kids you were always the one to hide and I was the seeker?"
He blinked, "Why?"
"Because you would never find me: I'm very good at hiding."
Jisung snickered. "Well, I found you."
"Maybe it's because I wanted to be found."
They sat like that for a while, contemplating the space between them and acknowledging the presence of the other. All Jisung could think about was the countless of afternoons they had spent playing hide and seek, of how he had loved Felix's reaction every time he had found him kneeling behind one of the crumbled walls. He knew, at that moment, that a minute could last a forever by his side.
"I didn't want things to change." Felix was trembling, snot and tears mixing on his face.
"But they haven't, Lix. Nothing's changed," he said, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around his body. He held Felix against him, rocking him back and forth. Felix wept on his shirt until his tears dried, until his shaking stopped and his whimpers dwindled to indecipherable mumbles. He waited, rocking him until his breathing slowed and his body slackened: he fell asleep, just like a baby. Jisung smiled, closing his eyes. Time stopped. The cold — and with it, the rest of the seasons — disappeared. There was only them. There was only now.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"Stay still, will ya?" he says, his trembling hand pressing his black pen against Felix's skin, just above the elbow, his tongue slightly poking out. The younger boy keeps giggling and shaking, Jisung's handwriting wriggly and messy, untidy. His fingers are soon stained with ink.
"Sorry, but when will you finish? You're taking forever," Felix complains, sighing another giggle, tapping the desk with his fingers. He twiddles with his feet, impatiently stomping them against the floor.
Less than three minutes go by before Jisung lets his friend go, leaning backwards and admiring his work of art. "There," he says. "It's done."
"Does it look good?" Felix says, turning his head over his shoulders, but still unable to see Jisung's hadwriting in his arm.
Jisung grins, satisfied. "Of course it does," he nods.
They both share a laugh, taking advantage of this time they have alone in their classroom. But soon enough, the bell rings and Felix hurriedly unrolls his sleeves and hides his newly made "tattoo" which consists of two words, imprinted on his skin, his best friend's handwriting. It's simple and will probably fade by next day but he loves it, and he loves what it represents. Lost Boy.
Jisung didn't have to beg Felix to return to the hospital. He didn't have to ask twice either: Felix knew it was wrong, and he felt sorry towards his parents. They walked hand in hand — Felix's hand was so warm in his —, the stars lighting the way back, walking away from their bubble. It was then that Jisung realized they probably wouldn't go back to it ever again. He looked back once more, like he never did before, and kept on walking, head down.
There was warmth among the cold. Jisung closed his eyes, feeling nothing more than Felix's warmth being radiated onto his body, now immune to the cold. He felt the wind blow his hair into a tousled mane, but he didn't let it in. He was untouchable when he was with Felix, this feeling of being completely unharmed by life and utterly unhurt by feelings and emotions and the feeling of being intact and unbroken by life and events and people made him feel empowered. Like he could take on the world. He longed for it to never fade, to never cease, to linger long enough for them to run away and leave their lives behind. And yet they were pinned down, feet chained to the ground. But Felix's chains were now rusty and bronze, ragged.
Back at the hospital, Felix couldn't sleep — as if he was somehow afraid of doing so. He was still shaking, besides being under a thousand blankets he was shivering. The stars were beginning to disappear behind a now beige sky: the day was coming and, with it, the sun. But it was somehow still dark, the lampposts outside still illuminating the empty streets. Jisung figured it must have been around 5 am, and it reminded him of the countless times he had fallen asleep in Felix's room, holding him in his arms tightly, too afraid to let go — for waking up Felix seemed like a sin to him, it would be such a waste to throw the peacefulness away. He had loved making up scenarios where he confessed his love to his best friend, but he was in denial, he was afraid of his rejection. He was afraid of what could happen if something changed.
"Will you stay here with me tonight?" he asked, blankets up to his nose. He gazed at him for quite a while, almost as if he was mesmerized by his friend.
"Of course," he said, laying down next to Felix, snuggling up to him and kissing him on the forehead softly. Felix wrapped himself around his friend, embracing him and holding on to him as if he was somehow afraid to let go. And he stopped shaking. Jisung didn't mind. He smiled.
Felix closed his eyes, his face against Jisung's chest. "Even if I fall asleep, will you be here in the morning?"
"I promise."
As the days passed, time seemed to be going by slower. Every night he would make Felix fall asleep — the younger had developed something like insomnia. He would tell him bedtime stories — those Jisung knew he adored — or come up with one right on the spot, and Felix would close his eyes and wrap his arms around his friend.
Every morning, the same thing happened: Felix would slowly and reluctantly uncover his face — afraid to face a new day of pain and agony and tests and medication and unbearable doctors — and would spend at least 3 minutes blinking, getting used to the light coming through the window — which now had bars, much to his dismay — and then he would sit up and drag his feet off the bed, towards the bathroom, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, the darkest bags under his eyes. A pout would appear when he turned around, every single day, watching the side of the bed Jisung had been on hours ago, embracing him warmly.
But as the days passed, the light behind Felix's eyes would dimmer, and Jisung would fail to recognize if it was still there. His arms grew thinner, his skin stained with purple and green and black bruises that Felix insisted didn't hurt. He had become anemic and was breathless almost all the time, and would have frequent fevers. His cheeks were bonier than before, his face paler. He had watched his best friend turn into nothing more than a sickness: he had watched him throw up, several times he had watched him failing to stand up, his arms shaking, weakened. Jisung had promised himself he wouldn't forget the way Felix used to look before the leukemia, but with every passing day, that image of the smiley, innocent, lively boy would shake and bend and Jisung was afraid one of these days it would break. And be gone, forever.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"You and I are always connected."
Felix smiles, his head on Jisung's shoulder. They can hear the wind howling outside Felix's window, the tree dancing in the dark from one side to the other, its branches violently flapping against the glass. A storm is coming.
"Stay with me tonight," Felix urges, gently squeezing Jisung's hand in his. They have never done this before, not this way: it's a weird sleepover, Jisung thinks. But he doesn't really mind, he would do anything for this boy. He nods, humming.
Felix curves a smile. He rolls his eyes, and nuzzles into his shoulder, his blonde hair inches from Jisung's nose. He smells like happiness.
"Is this gonna become a habit now?" he asks, sarcasm in his tone. Felix simpers.
"Is there something wrong with that?"
Jisung shakes his head. "Not at all."
Felix's smile widens. "Tell me the story of Peter Pan," he pleas, excitement detected in his tone. Jisung agrees, beaming.
"Today has been an awful day. I'm glad you're here. Thank you, Jisung."
Jisung snickered, lighting up the mood. "You don't have to thank me every time I come, Felix. I told you, I'll always be here for you. What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't come to your aid? Not a good one, for sure."
Felix scoffed out a laugh, a bit breathless. He looked exhausted, his arms connected to the beeping machines. Jisung hated that noise.
"Come on now, Lix," he said, sitting down on the bed. "I'll tell you a story. Try falling asleep."
Felix smiled — Jisung had come to know these moments were Felix's favourite time of the day. Jisung liked his company too, of course, but besides the night, they rarely had time together like before: Jisung was loaded with homework and school in general, while Felix had daily tests and was barely in his room at all. Jisung missed his old life, the old Felix — even though he knew he was hiding behind the bruises and paleness: he could see him in the light behind his eyes. Now, it was flickering.
"Am I gonna die?"
Words left him. He stared back at those hazel eyes that were looking at him, still. Unwavering. Jisung couldn't move his lips, his mind blank. Die. That word hadn't crossed his mind, not with Felix. His eyes searched for an answer in Jisung's eyes, drifting from one to the other. He waited for a reply. Jisung hoped his mind would come up with something to say — to reply —, for his brain to send signals to his mouth so that he could say something but nothing seemed to be coming out of him: he just mumbled.
"To die would be an awfully big adventure."
Jisung's mouth remained in an uncharacteristic grim line. "I thought you were afraid of dying."
Felix nodded, overlooking the tears forming in his friend's eyes: he didn't want to cry in front of him. "I am, but sometimes living is just as hard as dying."
There was sadness in Felix's eyes: they were now teary too. Jisung impulsively leaped forward, hugging him, holding Felix in his arms once more. "Don't give up, Lix."
Felix didn't say anything right away, burying his head in his friend's neck.
"Carry on, Lixie. Whether your crying, crawling, or barely holding on. All you need to think about is taking the next step forward, there's no other option. Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can do anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." Jisung would sacrifice himself if it meant Felix could live, because life without him was meaningless. Who was him without Felix? No one. "So promise me you'll fight. You won't give up."
They separated, Felix's hands on Jisung's shoulders. He smiled, wiping a stray tear from his friend's eye. "I promise. For you, I won't give up."
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"I don't want to ever grow up, Jisungie. It sucks."
Felix crosses his arms and Jisung looks at him, admiring his friend's frown: he looks cute when he's mad. "Then don't."
They both lean backwards now, resting their bodies on the green playground grass. A butterfly flies over their heads and Felix follows its trail, giggling.
"I don't want to grow up either. I don't want to do grown up stuff. I don't want to work," Jisung confesses, his hands interlocked on his stomach. He watches as Felix gently grabs a leaf falling over their heads. They share a smile.
"Have you ever wondered how it would feel like to fly?" he asks, his eyes stuck on the branches above them — their shadow provider. Felix stretches out his arms, staring at his fingers, and closing them a couple of times, just like babies when they want something. Jisung just watches. "I would love to fly away, to go to Neverland with you and never come back. Never grow up. Never have to worry about anything at all."
"What do you mean? You're Tinker Lix, you already have wings! You're just not using them." Jisung pictures Felix in his mind, flying away into the sky, like a butterfly, his golden hair being brushed by the wind — he loves his hair, so Tinker Bell. He pictures him looking back at him and waving, his baby hand smaller than ever in the distance.
Felix titters, "I thought I was a Lost Boy."
"You are a Lost Boy. You're both. Who ever said we can't be both?"
His friend turns around, leaning on his shoulder. He gazes at Jisung, but his eyes are still on the sky. "If I flew away, do you think people would miss me?"
Jisung faces him now, their faces inches from each other. He takes a good look at his friend's freckles. Oh how he loves them. "Well of course." He'd miss him. Hell, he'd cry if he ever left his side.
All of a sudden, Felix sits up and cries. He weeps. He covers his face with his hands. Jisung sits up as well, crossing his legs. He doesn't need to ask him what's wrong because he knows he will tell him — Felix is an open book.
"I-I just can't take it sometimes," he stutters, choking on his own words. The tears don't seem to cease. "I can't be the perfect son they want me to be. I-I..." he trails off, cleaning the snots with his sleeve. Jisung wipes the tears off his eyes, but they keep coming. "I can't be perfect. It's so hard, Jisungie. And as I keep on growing, the responsibilities will grow as well. And the expectations will rise. I don't know what I'm gonna do."
Jisung pulls him forward, throwing his arms around his waist into a hug. He needs it now more than ever. But he still needs to let things out, so he keeps talking, his voice breaking. "They expect great things for me. They expect me to get a great job and get married and have a beautiful wife. I can't do that, Jisungie. I don't know how to do that. I'm afraid of letting them down."
He gently pushes him away, now facing him, watching how the last tears roll down his chubby, freckled cheeks onto the grass. He strokes his cheek with his hand, erasing the trace left behind by one of the tears. As if that could ever clean the pain away. "You, my friend, are a Lost Boy. You'll never grow up. We will never be like them, we will never have to get jobs and get married and have a family because we're boys. We won't grow up. We'll stay forever this way."
Felix smiles, and nods. He will always believe what his best friend says, forever — even if forever is an awfully short time.
The next day, Jisung knew exactly what gift to give him. He had kept it for a long time, wondering when would the special day come. But the truth was, they were running out of time. He was running out of time. No matter how hard Jisung tried to push that thought away, it kept coming back to him, haunting and taunting his weak heart. He had wrapped it himself, and he wasn't worried about it: he knew Felix would love it.
Winter was getting whiter, colder. Frost bites hung from every roof, the ground covered in snow up to Jisung's knees. It was as if nature was dying.
Jisung skipped school that day — he figured no one would notice. He was practically invisible at home and without Felix, he was practically invisible in school too. He decided to pay him a visit in the afternoon, because he knew how busy he was in the mornings.
Felix was surprisingly asleep when he arrived. The sun was beating down on him, but he didn't seem annoyed by it. Jisung sat down next to him, leaving his gift on the table beside him: he watched as Felix's chest went up and down, his mouth slightly open. The beeping machines, though, ruined the whole peaceful atmosphere.
Felix woke up about half an hour later, rubbing his eyes and getting used to the light in the room. A smile rose from ear to ear when he saw his friend sitting down beside him: indeed, a lovely surprise.
"Shouldn't you be in school?" he asked, amid the happiness. His eyes never left his.
"I brought you something," he said, changing the topic. He handed the perfectly wrapped box to Felix, who was looking at the package in his friend's hand with wide eyes — his mouth widely open, his eyebrows raised.
It was a small, golden music box. It was shiny, and it was the kind of music box which had a ratchet lever on the right side. Felix stared at it in awe for a long time, admiring the craftsmanship of the music box itself, contemplating its colors and delicacy. He turned the ratchet and listened to its melody, closing his eyes. Music filled the air without effort, flowing through their veins and swirling in their heads. They stood like that for a while, closing their eyes and letting the music expand itself in those four walls. It was very pleasant and calming. And for a few seconds, Jisung let himself forget where he was, why he was there. His friend's situation. But then the music stopped, and with it, the thoughts disappeared as well.
"Second star to the right," he said, looking down at the object in his hands. The song from the Disney movie, 1953. "It's beautiful, thank you Jisungie."
"I'll come in the evening," he said, and left.
But when he returned in the evening, Felix was not there. He was not lying in his bed, waiting for him with a bright smile. He was not asleep, tossing and turning, his mouth slightly open. He wasn't in his room at all. The lights were off, the window open, the machine that had beeped for the longest time was quiet, silent upon his return. The only trace of Felix's existence was the music box, still and pristine on the bedtable.
"Intensive care," was what the nurse told him. Felix had had an episode, and he had to undergo surgery. That meant not seeing him tonight. That meant no storytelling time. No sleeping under the hug of a thousand stars.
"I'm afraid I'm going to ask you to leave, it's going to be impossible for you to see him anytime soon." The nurse frowned, showing him the way out — which he already knew of course, thanks to all the countless times Felix had denied to see him.
"Can you give him something for me? Once he wakes up," he said, and without waiting for the nurse's reply, the went into Felix's room and came out with a small crumpled piece of paper. "Give this to him, please," he said, and left.
Even though he tried not to fall asleep that night, his eyes gave up and shut, sending him into a deep slumber. He dreamt about Felix, about his blonde hair and his starfreckled cheeks and his laugh and his beamy smile. It was filled with all the repressed happiness, that feeling that had been snatched away from him so violently. But that didn't hurt as much as realizing that his dream was filled with all the things he longed for, but could never have: Felix's health, Felix's requited love. He faced the fact that it was not real, and that it could never become a reality. Winter grew even colder, the cold crawling under his skin, ripping the remaining warmth inside of him out. Right then he realized the warmth would never return, and that with each passing day, a part of him died.
The next day he forced himself out of his bed, crawling his way out of his house and faking a smile, like he was used to, but that he loathed. It was a Saturday so he didn't skip school but even so he rarely cared anymore which day of the week it was: it didn't matter, days just seemed to come and go for him. No changes. Still, time was running out, racing the hands of the clock. Like sand, slipping through his fingers.
"How are you feeling?" he asked upon entering Felix's room, closing the door behind him. His friend was back in his bed, his arms had more tubes connected to it now — he had one under his nose, which wasn't there before. He came closer to him and held his hand, pressing it gently and stroking it with his thumb. "What are you feeling right now?"
"Love," he said, curving a smile. Jisung knew misery hid behind it. "I'm glad you're here. Thank you."
They gazed at each other, a warm silence between them. Jisung stroked his cheek, hoping someday it would regain its color. I love you, he wanted to scream, but didn't. Couldn't. His voice was knotted.
"I loved the note," he whispered, his voice weak as well. Jisung knew talking now required effort, which required strength he almost completely lacked. "It helped me fall asleep even though you weren't here." He handed the folded piece of paper back to Jisung, and he read it aloud:
"I am staying awake so that, no matter how far away you are from me, you are never alone in the early hours of the morning.
And maybe one day, when this journey comes to an end, we'll get to hold each other in the light of the sun underneath the warm cover of the sky."
"Breathtaking," he said, smiling to himself. His eyes sparkled once more, and Jisung knew, for the first time in forever, that it belonged to him.
Just like that, the clouds of torment inside of Jisung's heart opened up, revealing a vast sky of untold feelings and regrets and hopes and dreams and faith rained and bathed his soul.
They lay in silence and listened to the doors swinging open and shut with the wind. Jisung could perceive the emptiness that now surrounded Felix, like it was a living, breathing thing, a force consuming his energy and life away. It had seeped into their friendship, that emptiness, into their laughs, and conversations. He had felt it rising and settling between them, like a reminder of their lost adolescence.
And late at night, in the darkness of the room, when the rest of the world was asleep and silent, the emptiness faded away. The moonbeams streaming through the open window were the only light in the room. Felix's head was resting on Jisung's shoulders, his arms hugging the oldest.
"Remember all those nights when I couldn't sleep? You would snuggle right into my bed with me and tell me the story of Peter Pan, my favourite one, until I fell asleep?"
Jisung hummed, curving a smile and softly stroking his friend's hands: he knew what he was going to ask.
"Do it for me one more time."
"All children grow up... except one," he finished, letting the last words linger in the air surrounding them. The silent night echoed with those words, opening a vast sky of the most beautiful unspoken words, unspoken feelings.
And alas, the inevitable had arrived, crawling its way through their endless misery. Time could be so punctual.
"I-I think… I have to say goodbye."
Jisung broke down in an involuntary sob. "You can't do this to me, Lixie, please. You can't do-you can't leave me, not yet. Please."
Felix went on, his eyes stuck on his friend's tears—which he wished could dry away with his skin but his arms refused to work, his strength failing him. Jisung couldn't understand how he was so calm, how he had accepted his fate so openly. He wanted to smack him, to slap him across the face and bring out his lost senses. He wanted to shake him and wake him up from his thoughts, but seeing him so weak weakened him more than anything. He wanted Felix to show him the pain he was flawlessly hiding. And just as he wished, he finally got an answer. "I am terrified, Jisungie. I've been thinking about this for such a long time, it kept tingling in the back of my head. I'm afraid I will stop breathing and die. I'm afraid my body will give up on me, I—" he sighed. "Sorry."
Jisung was a mess: he was whining like a baby, throwing a tantrum, begging Felix to shut up and cease stabbing him in the heart with his words. But Felix was entirely bathed with thoughts that wanted a way out, and once he started he never stopped, a thousand unspoken words being spitted right into his best friend's face, like an ugly truth he could never come to face and accept. There were holes in his heart, holes in Felix's words, but one thing was absolutely clear: Felix was scared. And he had to calm him down, no matter how much that broke his heart, he had to ease his friend's peace of mind — even if it wholly ripped him apart.
The world turned into a blur, and so did all sounds. His voice was calm and clear, neutral. "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting."
A thousand minutes seemed to go by before Felix replied, his face soaked in tears, his eyes red and puffy, snots in his nose. "I love you." He sobbed a bit more, burrying his head in Jisung's chest, before he said, a treasure box being opened for the first time, gold hanging out of it. "I've loved you since forever."
Jisung began to lose his head again. He could feel it unraveling, the threads of every happy memory he could ever once recall, all but a disarray of strings scattered about his feet. The thought of every single time he had tried to confess to him played on his mind, scenes from every single failed attempt now screening in his brain. He would forever be tormented by them, by the lost time they could have had together if he hadn't been so damn afraid. So damn coward. All this time they had loved each other. All this time they had reciprocated each other's feelings without knowing. And so he knew, they had lost against time.
"You mean more to me than anyone in this whole world," Felix said, the strength in his hands slowly giving in. "This is why I have to say goodbye, before it's too late."
Jisung smiled through the tears, feeling that, for the first time in a while, he wasn't faking it at all. "Never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting. And you're never going to forget me. Wait for me between reality and all we've ever dreamed."
Felix curved a smile, and Jisung kissed him on the forehead like the thousand times before, except this time they loved each other. These moments meant a lot to him but he would never mention it to anyone: he would never mention how it felt to hear Felix's 'I miss you's" or "I hope you're okay's" or how it felt to kiss him on the forehead or how he thought about him from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep, in Felix's arms. He was his beginning and his end, and he wouldn't have wanted that to ever change. Even if he had known how it all would end, he wouldn't have changed it for the world. He would always choose Felix, and he would always come back to him because that is how beginnings and ends work. This was endless, they were forever.
Jisung knew then that he would never have a cute teenage relationship, because he had lost it, and would never have it back. Time could be so manipulative.
"I guess… I-I guess I'm going to finally see Neverland," he whispered, the air stuffy and cozy, warm.
Jisung turned to him. "But you have been to Neverland, the way you wake up and forget your dream. You go there when you sleep."
"I have?"
"Sure," he replied, "You're gonna be in Neverland forever now."
Felix half smiled, his eyes slowly giving in: he was falling asleep. Jisung watched him as he curled against him, snuggling and cuddling for what seemed like the last time — he would forever hold that picture in his memory. He saw the light in his eyes for the last time, a glowing light among the darkness.
"You are Tinker Lix. You are a Lost Boy. You will never grow up," he whispered in his ear softly.
Felix soon fell asleep with a smile on his face, his snoring echoed through the empty room. Jisung stood awake, hands around Felix, staring into the starry night through the window, and thinking that, maybe some day, he would see the light in Felix's eyes again, shining just for him.
Felix died the next day, lifelessly lying in bed, peaceful, his eyes close shut. His face was cold and empty, white; his mouth slightly open, the beeping machine next to him completely still. He had died alone.
Jisung had been in church when his friend passed away, and hadn't been informed until late afternoon. The only reason he had agreed to go to church and leave Felix's side was to pray for his friend, but even so praying didn't work. It never did. And he had missed Felix's last moments on earth, with him. "Gone in his sleep" was what the doctors said, but he knew better. He knew Felix had finally flown to Neverland, that he reached that second star to the right and straight on till morning. He had kissed his fears goodbye and let go. He had made his dream of never growing up come true; he had been an exception.
Felix's parents felt the right to give Jisung the music box that had belonged to him, and even though he accepted it, he refused to keep it in his possession. It wasn't his anymore.
"Here we are at the end of all things," he said, feeling the wind dishevel his hair and closing his eyes, the music box in his hands. He had knelt down on the grass, under the tree they had lay a thousand times before, just passing the time. "This is the end, and yet it's just the beginning."
He placed the music box in a small hole he made himself and sat back, admiring the beauty of it all, the beauty of decay. "This belongs to you, and always will. Someday I will grieve you, but first I have to accept you are really gone. The wish for you to be here fills me with such rage and bitterness that I think I'm gonna go mad. There's a part of me that will never believe you won't come running to me, a smile on your face — those beautiful freckles — searching for me behind that crumbled old wall. There's a part of me that believes I am still hiding, waiting for you to come, the story of my life passing right in front of my eyes.
"It is spring now. Things have changed but I think change is good. I wish you could be here to witness the blooming of the flowers and the colors that are rising from the grass. I wish we could lay down, just once more, and witness how beautiful it all looks. Your hair would be dancing in the wind and my eyes would be in yours. And maybe, just maybe, I'd have the courage to tell you how I feel. And maybe, who knows, we could run away. You, Lix, are my beginning and my end, and I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms again. And never let you go, forever."
Jisung buried the music box, and knew that it was exactly where it needed to be, where it belonged: to Felix. But the truth is, Jisung hadn't stepped out of his house in weeks after Felix's death. The sun had been a reminder of his friend's golden hair and his freckled-dotted face and the light resembled the way his eyes used to gleam. It made him feel as if everything around him had moved on, except him.
Felix hadn't left him empty-handed: he had written him a letter the day he had the episode. Jisung had refused to read it, had refused to accept he was gone and that there was life after death.
Dear Jisungie,
I'm sorry you won't be able to read me to sleep today; I feel like I've let you down. I know that you were looking forward to it, so was I. I hope I'm out of this 'Intensive Care' and that you'll read me to sleep again soon. I'm currently having the most terrible insomnia yet.
Don't worry, I'm not in pain. The only pain is not being able to see you, to fall asleep next to you. I picture you in my head and the disappointment in your face upon the news is bringing me down, and I feel pity for you. Don't worry, I won't break the promise.
I honestly don't know when you'll receive this letter — the nurses could never be delivery people. So I must tell you how I feel right now, in case I never do leave Intensive Care, if you know what I mean. Chances are, I won't make it out alive. And if I do, I'll be weaker, fragile, like you've never seen me before. I hate that you have to see me in such a bad state, I wish this wouldn't have happened. But, I'm glad it happened to me and not to you.
I love you, Jisung. Always have, always will. You were the Peter Han of my dreams, and the connection we had was special. It is special, and I hope you carry that bit of magic onto the next person you fall in love with. Yeah, I know you love me, I've known for a while now. I never expected that you could have a broken heart and love with it too, so much that it doesn't seem broken at all.
We'll meet again, I'm sure, we'll make our dreams come true in Neverland. I'll be waiting for you to come back to me, and we will recover all the time we have lost. When there is a smile in your heart there's no better time to start. Smile, Jisung. Move on. You know where I'll be waiting.
Your one and only, Lix
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
All children grow up... except two.
･ ｡
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･ﾟ*｡★･
･ *ﾟ｡ *
･ ﾟ*｡･ﾟ★｡
☆ﾟ･｡°*. ﾟ
ﾟ｡·*･｡ ﾟ*
ﾟ *.｡☆｡★ ･
* ☆ ｡･ﾟ*.｡
* ★ ﾟ･｡ * ｡
･ ﾟ☆ ｡
Twinkle, twinkle little star
So we'll know where you are
Gleaming in the skies above
Lead us to the land we dream of
And when our journey is through
Each time we say goodnight
We'll thank the little star that shines
The second from the right