Chapter Text
"Ok, lads, let's get you home." James announced into the awkward silence punctuated only by Meadowes' oblivious laughter and the dying flickers of what candles still remained.
He hadn't drunk one drop, horrified at the thought of driving Lily and their baby home even slightly intoxicated, and he was still the one with the car. Lily had gone upstairs some time earlier to lay down in Sirius' old bedroom, threats to wallop any of them who dared to suggest she couldn't handle slumming in a gloomy basement like any other teen unspoken, so he gathered both girls under either arm and began their slow ascent up to collect his fiancée.
"Coming, Moony?" James called back to him, and the nickname, which they'd all somewhat adopted over the course of the night, made his throat burn even more than Sirius' expensive whiskey. Before he could reply, Sirius was on his feet.
"Nah, I'll take him home, Jamie." That had Remus on his feet too, arms crossed tightly over his heaving chest.
"And if I want to go now ?" He demanded. Sirius flinched, and looked at him with heavy eyes.
"I'm not your keeper, Moons." And he gestured towards the stairs, stepping aside to give him free access.
Remus started up them, but they were rather narrow, and he paused before the stair Sirius stood upon, leaning against the rustic banister, delaying the inevitable squeeze past him. His foot had barely touched the wood before Sirius’ fingers were clenching around his wrist.
“Don’t.” His voice sounded small, and at his touch, Remus went rigid.
“And why not?” Lupin huffed, whirling on him, a hand tearing through his wavy locks. “What is it? God, Sirius, have I been seeing things wrong this whole time? Because you know… I really thought, what with all the flirting and winking and fucking holding onto me the entire time at the restaurant that maybe you felt something between us… And now, you’re-”
“But that’s just it, Remus!” Sirius’ voice was raised as well. His shout echoed down into the empty cavern of the basement. “That’s all it’s been since we first met! Trivial flirting, false pretenses, party games to throw us together, this growing sense of urgency to get it good and done and I’m sick of it! I don’t want to rush this!” His voice fell. “But that’s the thing, isn’t it? About people like us… We have to act quickly. Like there’s a war on, like we could die at any moment. Hell, we fucking could die at any moment! We don’t get to go on first dates at any lodging of our choosing, we can’t stop on any corner to kiss in the street. If my parents were alive, I could never bring you home to meet them. We won’t get engaged like other people… We can’t accidentally get knocked up with a kid. Everything happens so quickly… I’m sorry, Moony. I shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that in front of my friends. But I wanted to do things right, for once, and I knew I couldn’t… And I like you, a bloody fucking lot, mate, so I thought… Best not to- to do it at all.”
“Sirius…”
He looked so deflated. Gone were all his cocky mannerisms and that devilish smile that reached all the way to his eyes. This, this horrible choice, rejection of their only option was, to him in this moment, the one thing he could control. For the first time, Remus realized how young he really was. He turned to face him, their chests nearly touching as they both tried to stay atop the same stair. One hand twisted out of Black’s grasp and entwined their fingers, the other moved to press against his cheek. Sirius heaved a shuddering sigh between his barely parted lips, eyes shut. Remus stayed that way for a moment, just holding him.
“I don’t even really know you, Moony…” He sniffed, face twisting into an incredibly ashamed disfiguration.
“But you’d like to.” His fingers moved from his pale cheek to smooth against his furrowed brow. “That’s enough for me, Sirius.”
“Not enough.”
“Then it’s a start. Let’s start somewhere, Sirius. I promise you, running away from it isn’t the way to make things better. I- that’s why I moved here. Something happened back home, and I couldn’t face it. My parents tried, but I wouldn’t even let them because I was too afraid of what would happen if they couldn’t. The one time… I try to be open about who I am, I’m too frightened and this unfairly beautiful punkish thug starts hassling me, thinking I’m a homophobe, and then I think he really likes me… But he acts like he’d rather spill hot wax onto his hand than kiss me during a primary school game.”
Sirius laughed a bit at that. “With a whiskey bottle? What sort of primary school did you attend, Moony? Are they still accepting applications for the autumn?” Remus snorted, dropping his head onto Sirius’ shoulder.
“Please, tell me I’ve done the right thing for once.”
“Remus?”
“Yes?”
“It won’t be like with your parents. I mean, we’ll have to be careful sometimes… We won’t ever get to be like James and Lily, but… We could be good, still, couldn’t we? Or, we could try…”
“Yea, we could. We could. Just, next time why not trying talking to me and asking to slow down instead of bouncing off the walls, eh?” Remus asked, drawing back to look at him.
His eyes roamed over each mark dotting Sirius’ smooth, chiseled face, the long lashes fanning out over his cheeks, the slightly crooked bend to his nose (likely from some fight during his school days).
Sirius shut his eyes again, exhaling through his nostrils. “Goddammit! It’s this house, man, I’m sorry! I thought I could handle it, but it’s driving me mad. Look at me, screaming at a gorgeous man in my house, who’s comforting me, being understanding, holding my hand.”
Gorgeous, who, him?
“You’re not screaming anymore.” Remus pointed out sympathetically. He paused. “Sirius- What happened to you here?”
The other man grimaced. “What didn’t, is more like.” Sirius mumbled. Remus squeezed his hand.
“If it’s too much, you don’t have to tell me. I was only trying to understand.”
“Well, let’s just say my family is very old, very well to do, and quite aristocratic about it all. And they never really cared for me or my type growing up… Which was unfortunate, as I was the oldest son.” He broke off for a moment, and Remus moved down a step so that they were eye level, holding Sirius’ hands against his chest. “They threw me out when I was 16. No, don’t look so wounded, Moony, it was the best possible thing they could have done for me. I’d been planning to leave anyways. Really, it was my decision. I went to James, his family took me in until I finished school. My uncle died, and he left me everything. I got by. By that time my father had died, and- and my brother too.” Sirius’ voice was barely a whisper. “He killed himself, Remus. And then my mother died, they say of a broken heart. But they didn’t find her will, so the house went to me.”
“But you never come here?” Remus asked calmly, though he moved to thumb away a tear brimming against Sirius’ lashes.
Sirius shook his head, pressing into Lupin’s hand. “Can’t bear to most days. Everywhere I look I see rooms they forbid me to enter, objects they forbid me to touch… Places where I was punished when I broke those rules as a child wanting to play. By that painting, where I received my first beating,” Remus’ heart was pounding. “By that armchair where I covered for my brother and got the second of many. My old room, where I was like a prisoner most days… His old room, the door slammed in my face being the last I ever saw of him.” He inhaled a shaky breath and wiped his eyes. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I just told you that… I’m crying in front of you of all things when I’ve just made you upset.”
Remus drew him closer, speaking sternly. “Sirius, I couldn’t give one damn about that right now. Christ, no wonder James didn’t want us to come here…”
“I just thought… If I suggested it, I could act like- Fuck, I just wanted to be normal!” Sirius cried, smothering himself against Remus’ chest. “I wanted to be a normal bloke messing around with my friends in a shady old house, get drunk like everyone else does, and kiss someone I really like without it being a big deal but here I am whinging on and on and crying about it!”
Remus mulled it over for a moment, silently. “Sometimes… It has to be a big deal. When you’ve experienced impactful things. That thing that… happened to me. My parents wanted to play at everything returning to regular, they tried their best to seem unaffected. But they’d changed… And so had I. But not in the way they would have assumed. Now my mum’s gone, and I haven’t seen my father in months. My mother died not knowing me. I ran away before they could find out about me. I figured I could start over where nobody knew me, and they’d never get to know who I really was inside… But some things are a big deal. And as much as we’d like to live someone else’s life, with someone else’s ease, we have to face it. But that’s the thing… Usually, no one’s life is as easy as it seems. We’re all going through it, Sirius. But all that means is we don’t have to go it alone.”
Sirius tipped his head up to stare at Remus. “Who are you, and where’s the nervous boy I met this morning gone?” Remus ducked his head and blushed, before holding Sirius’ gaze, unwavering.
“They’re both me, Sirius. I’ve been both of them all along. But for the record, ‘me’ is someone who really likes you too.”
Then Sirius’ cheeks tinged pink, though he quickly wiped his eyes again and looked down, hiding behind his curtain of inky tangles. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.”
Sirius led Remus back up the stairs and through the house (now dark, James having shut off most of the working lights when he’d left) by the hand, and though neither of them spoke, the companionable silence surrounding them only tied them closer.
“The garage?” Remus questioned as he stared down the stair into the blackness and musty air. Sirius nodded, flicking on the light switch and tossing a round object to him. Remus gaped it- a gleaming metallic, smoothly curved, sphere in his hands. A helmet? Then his eyes strayed to the brilliantly polished Velocette stood against a rack of junk and his eyes bulged.
“The girls said this was a rust bucket that didn’t work!” He said accusingly, jabbing a finger into Sirius’ chest. Jesus, was he ever fit. Sirius wore a ghost of his usually brimming self satisfied grin, and Remus’ lungs finally released after seeing him so dismayed earlier.
“Yea, they say a lot of things, Moony… The Viper’s been restored for ages. Fully finished myself, she was. It didn’t cost too much for the parts or the touch ups, especially with my Uncle’s spending money to get me by… Took a while to teach myself the mechanics but I figured I ought to know how to keep her since I’ll be riding her often. I’ve been keeping her a secret… She’s more special that way. Plus, Marlene bet James I wouldn’t have it working before the year was out. ” He explained, completely chuffed.
“But if the year’s up, won’t he lose?”
Sirius winked at him, tapping the side of his forehead. “Precisely. He’s rich and shouldn’t have entertained her doubt in the first place.”
“Ah. Well. Good on Marlene, then. Wait… James is rich? The teenager that just left?”
Sirius nodded sagely, before smiling a bit wider. “Yea, his dad was this entrepreneur type. Made this hair goo that had all the salons raving in the 50s and 60s. Absolute legend, he was, Fleamont Potter.” He said, nostalgically. Remus noted the past tense and assumed that's why James had all the money.
“Fleamont?” Remus tried to hold back a small chuckle.
“Oi, alright, it's not like you get to be the judge of odd and unique names, Moony!” Sirius chastised him, but quickly switched gears as his face turned mischievous. “But it is also James’ middle name, poor tosser.” They both share a laugh at that.
Remus turned to admire the bike again. “This is brilliant, Sirius.”
“Well, come on then, helmet on! I said I’d take you home, didn’t I?”
“Ah, yes, your clever excuse to come round to mine, no doubt.” Sirius chuckled distractly, moving to brush some dust off of the bike’s leather seat. Remus stepped closer behind him, transfixed by its glittering chromework and lacquered paint. Sirius moved quietly, not turning around, as though careful to even breath upon it, even seeming hesitant about his earlier promise of transportation.
“Go on… Don’t tiptoe around her on my account, or I’ll have to start calling you something ridiculous like… Padding Foot.”
Sirius abruptly faced him, lips pursed. “You will not!”
Remus’ lips curved into a sly smile. “Why, Padding Foot, I’m only being fair.”
“Moony!”
“Yes, Paddy, dear?”
“Remus, honestly.”
“ Sirius , seriously.”
“No.”
“Accept it.”
“It’s stupid!”
“So was Moony.”
“Padfoot for short?” Sirius bargained.
Remus considered that, begrudgingly. “Even better.”
“I’m beginning to regret liking you.”
Remus haphazardly shoved his helmet on and swung one leg over the bike, straddling its seat. “No you aren’t.” He quipped, voice muffled by the gear as he fit it on.
Sirius muffled a growl low in his throat, then snatched his own helmet from a tabletop and shrugged his jacket over his shoulders. It was going to be a long ride.
Despite literally everything they'd just gone through, a bit of nervousness still fluttered in his stomach when Remus’ arms encircled Sirius’ waist. Sirius’ band tee was rather… well loved, meaning he could actually feel the muscles in Sirius’ abdomen flex through the thinning fabric as he shifted his weight to turn or adjusted his position at the handlebars. Still, he crossed the streets, and cut through back alleys, nearly empty at this hour of the night, like some speed demon, so Remus was left gripping him tightly just to stay on. The entire day, and the night’s alcohol, finally caught up to him, leaving Lupin just a hint sluggish and sleepy. He rested his cheek against Sirius’ back, enjoying the heat radiating off his jacket as the crisp wind tousled his hair and slapped against his face. London, all of bright lights and shadow, swept past them until they slowed to a crawl outside the address he’d instructed Black to.
Remus sat up when Sirius twisted back to observe him, rolling his neck and rubbing with one fist at his right eye. When he stopped, he opened both to find Sirius still watching him.
“Alright, Moony?”
Remus nodded, once. “Alright, Pads.”
Sirius’ silver gaze roamed over his face, eyes tracing the path from freckle to freckle, settling on the minute brown spot dotting his upper lip like the finale to some adult version of connect the dots. The kind you played when you wanted badly, loved quickly, and fell, finally, hard and forever. Sirius’ thumb darted out to brush across it, Remus’ eyes fluttering closed, and when the pad of his finger pressed against his bottom lip, he shivered. His touch was permanent, lasting when he drew his hand away.
“Sirius.” He whispered, the word stolen away as the wind whipped around them.
“Remus.” He replied. Lupin nearly shivered again at how low his voice had become.
“I know you said you didn't want to rush this…” Remus murmured, drawing his words out. His hands twisted in the hem of his sweater. Sirius wished he’d put them back against him, maybe even slip them under his shirt. Dammit, no! “But if I don't do this now, I will verifiably die.”
“Ah ah.” He protested, holding up one hand. “As the resident Tragic Rebel, I call dibs on dying first.” He leaned back, and Remus could see each particular shade of grey within his eyes. His hand slid across Remus’ arm, where it rested against the seat between them. Remus’ breath caught. “What are you dying to do, Moony?”
The hand moved under his jaw as Remus gravitated nearer. Sirius’ eyes contained flecks of the palest blue. Remus turned his face, lips lightly touching Sirius’ palm. A strangled noise stuck in Black’s throat. He was still turned around, his body curved towards Remus, who put both hands on his hips to steady him, then bridged the last inch of space between their faces.
“Kiss you, of course.” And he pulled Sirius towards him. Melding into one, Remus brought their lips together again and again. Their faces were wind chapped, and cold, but Sirius’ mouth stayed nothing but warm. They both tasted like finely aged whiskey, smoky and spicy and sweet. When they eventually broke apart, Remus tucked his face against the back of Sirius’ neck, whose fingers lifted to touch his lips almost reverently. Lupin stayed like that for a good minute, lazily breathing him in. Sirius’ hair smelled like vanilla and his clothing faintly of cigarettes.
“Are you tired, then?” Sirius asked him, and Remus lifted his head.
His amber eyes flashed. They were so close, both of them still only half standing in order to balance the bike between their legs. “Am I too tired, you mean?”
Sirius swallowed thickly. “Too tired for…?”
“For you to join me, of course. Upstairs… I mean. We won't rush into anything,” He added hastily. “Just- Rather cold out for necking.” He shrugged.
Remus wanted him to come inside to do that again. A lot, again. Sirius breathed out all the air in his lungs, probably. “Oh. Well, if you're offering…” he said, with an air of casualty he didn't feel, pushing one hand through his helmet mussed hair.
Remus finally broke their intense stare, stepping off the bike and walking around front to give Sirius his hand. “I’m offering.” He said, and then he smiled.