Chapter Text
Everybody has been in Korea for a few days so far, after the flight when they arrived Soonyoung felt sick and Wonwoo, perfect storybook prince Wonwoo took care of him. He got him ginger ale, let him sleep on him in the already cramped seats. It’s funny to think months ago he only dreamt of finding comfort in Wonwoo’s arms and now it’s a reality.
Soonyoung and Wonwoo luckily spent the first few days sleeping and trying to get adjusted to their new time zone. The bands went straight into rehearsal since their first shows are at Yes24. A popular venue in Seoul and they’d have 3 shows there for the next few days. Everybody was hyped especially the bands and Soonyoung couldn’t feel more proud of his friends.
He also felt proud of him and Wonwoo, they were shooting their first concerts in a different country. A dream that Soonyoung has had since high school, and now he was here in Seoul achieving it and it felt so surreal. It also made his friends proud as he received lots of texts from then when they first landed. Along the lines of,
Jeonghan: I hope Soonyoung landed in Seoul and gets the dick down of a lifetime.
Soonyoung had scoffed and still scoffs at his boldness.
Jun: Or has the time of his life, Jeonghan. His first abroad concert that he’s shooting! On a tour!
Seokmin: He can get his back blown out and make us proud while shooting! We love you, Soonyoung! We miss you! Nobody makes the laundry as nice as you or keeps our arguments down to a minimum. Seriously we are fighting so much please return soon before somebody ends up dead!
While watching the set, one part of the set, well a lot of it, had Soonyoung feeling a bit on edge. The lighting was different in Korea, as if the staff and My Day had conspired against him to watch him suffer. The heavy amount of red lighting added to the stages made Soonyoung’s insides churn. He had never been a fan of heavy lights like reds, blues, and pinks because they make it harder to edit sometime. The color can overcome a great shot and usually Soonyoung finds himself a fan of mixing colors.
Like, adding white lights to any mix or blues and purples or red and yellows. But solid color lights really make Soonyoung crumble in fear. His palms felt clammy as him and Wonwoo had left, he reached out to hold onto Wonwoo’s arm. Wonwoo didn’t tense at the sudden touch and let it happen. Soonyoung felt grateful because he really didn’t want to talk about what he was feeling.
“Are you excited? It’s our first show tonight in a different country.” Wonwoo says softly, “I feel anxious. I want to get it over with.”
Soonyoung nods in agreement, “The lights are different, they are more vibrant.”
“I know I realized that especially with the girls! They added more strobes.” Wonwoo tuts, “It‘ll be a challenge but I’ll have to adjust my settings. We should adjust them together.”
Soonyoung feels a voice in his head saying Wonwoo probably knows that Soonyoung isn’t good with heavy lighting. Or, he thinks he’s incapable of setting his own camera up and in reality he hasn’t had the time to figure the setting out. It’s horrible, that Soonyoung has been a photographer since high school. But, he’s been self taught till college and he still struggles with being aware of the proper IOS and f-stops. He reads books, he takes the classes, and the numbers just fly over his head. It’s so hard to remember that photography is a science, it’s numbers and certain actions. It makes Soonyoung feel like he is the worst photographer ever because he doesn’t know his proper settings. He just switched over to raw photos in his freshman year and still struggles.
The settings of which to use for blurring your image or stop motion still confuse him. It sucks how something he loves and is so passionate about can make him feel so stupid. He tries to not let it get to him but certain moments like these remind him that he isn’t where he wants to be.
“Soon? Are you okay?” Wonwoo asks, as he’s currently holding the van door open for Soonyoung to crawl into too. Soonyoung blinks realizing that he’s just been staring at the small hole that’s at the top of his vans. His thoughts got to him again and now he’s worrying people who care about him.
Soonyoung stiffens a nod, “Totally.”
The two sit side by side as they await for the others to return from rehearsal. Soonyoung realizes he could have taken time to adjust to the heavy lights but he also didn’t even bring his camera. He had gotten too comfortable with the sets back home that he didn’t even think of practicing. But it’s too late and Soonyoung has this uncomfortable feeling anxiety in his stomach just sitting like a rock.
Wonpil, Jae, Lisa and Jennie pile into their van along with their manager Jinyoung. Wonpil is chattering about how excited his mom is that they’re performing in Korea. Even Wonpil’s grandparents and cousins are coming to the show and that makes Soonyoung so happy. He really hopes he can get good photos to help Wonpil’s family, his friends, and remember this moment.
But, this stupid, unnecessary, red lighting keeps coming back to play. The drive back to their hotel was slow, everything passing in a haze but Wonwoo’s warmth was a constant. The crew planned to go out for lunch after they changed but Soonyoung kind of wanted to willow away and mop. He felt gross, he felt doubtful with his skills and just really wanted to talk to Jeonghan. It was a reasonable time in New York so the time difference shouldn’t be too bad for Jeonghan.
“You sure you don’t want to go out?” Wonwoo asks as he flops on their shared bed, “Are you sick?”
Soonyoung shakes his head with a pout, “Just want to rest before the big night.”
Wonwoo nods slowly, “Well, I’ll bring you some food back. Take care of yourself, babe.”
Soonyoung flushes at the petname and the hotel room closes. Soonyoung is left with his thoughts and he really hates it. He looks at the clock and it’s a good enough time to call his friends back home. He feels his chest tighten at the soft humming of the ringing.
“Soon?”
Jeonghan’s voice made Soonyoung start crying, it wasn’t suppose too. He was suppose to call back home and tell his friends how excited he was to be in Korea. He was suppose to tell them the stupid adventures he was on or how sweet Wonwoo is. He shouldn’t be crying this hard over something so stupid.
“Soon, ya, Kwon Soonyoung.”
“Hey, breathe for us. Soonyoung, please.”
Jun. Seokmin.
Soonyoung breathes slowly, he wipes his tears and flops down properly on his bed. He feels a bit calmer even though the tightness in his chest was still there.
“There you go now, hello. What’s wrong?” Jeonghan asks, Soonyoung could hear the concern in his voice. He wanted to cry again but he couldn’t.
“I am having one of those moments.” Soonyoung sighs, “Just really really self doubty. I was planning to call and just talk to you guys to make me feel better and now I just feel gross.”
“What happened?” Seokmin asks, “Did somebody give you trouble?”
“Myself.” Soonyoung retorts as he cards his hair, “Just me.”
“The stage lighting.. here in Korea is way different than most of their stages back home. They have a lot of more strobes which doesn’t bother me, I’ve grown to love strobe lighting. But, they added more red lighting and it’s not mixed with any colors.” Soonyoung explained, “I hate pure red lights.”
The three of the him in the phone, they know Soonyoung’s hatred for pure red lights more than anybody. Soonyoung likes red mixed with any colors especially red and white lights. But pure red lighting, without knowing proper settings is hard. Soonyoung tries to find the proper settings but he always misses one element and it sucks. He can ruin a photo so fast and will end up with a handful of black and white photos.
“Is the whole set red?” Jun asks, “How much of the set is red? Can you ask Wonwoo for help on settings?”
Soonyoung whined, “It’s like for the first 4 songs? Red lights, like one is mixed with blues but most are red.”
“Are you planning to ask Wonwoo? I don’t think he’d mind helping you.” Seokmin suggests again.
Soonyoung didn’t want to admit that is the easier way. Instead of self pity, and being too shy to ask for help. He always never liked asking for help, he either figures out on his own or guesses. It’s a horrible trait, he knows it’s okay to not understand every single thing and asking for help isn’t bad. But, some part of his mind makes it seem as if it’s a bad thing and he hates it.
“I want to still figure it out by myself and I just don’t want to bother him.. I don’t want to embarrass myself.” Soonyoung admits quietly, “I don’t want him or anybody else to wonder how I got this far being an idiot behind the camera.”
“Like, oh? He doesn’t know proper settings on his camera but he got this far being mediocre and having friends who were in a band?” Soonyoung continues, “I just feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed of my bare minimum knowledge on what supposedly is my career.”
“I love you, Soonyoung. But, shut up.” Jeonghan tuts, “Do you realize you’ve been self taught since high school? You haven’t had proper teachings on how to use a camera till you were a freshman.”
“And you still wiped the floor with upperclassmen in your classes since then. With knowing the guys and girls, it wasn’t just an accident on being their photographer.” Jeonghan continues, “I know Sungjin has gone through a few photographers, people who just use them for free tickets and giving them mediocre photos.”
“They believe in you, Soonyoung. They always have and like we do. We know more than anybody how shitty it feels to feel like you’re not good in your artistic craft. I’ve seen more of my friends cry about their career, their art and their path more than anybody.” Jun blurts, his voice is wavering, “It’s okay, it’s apart of being an artist I feel like. Moments like this help you want to be better.”
“You got this far because of your talents, your heart and your will to better your craft. This is your first big tour, as a photographer who has never worked for a publication. You have been emailing venues, artists and labels since high school!” Seokmin says, “You have one of the most impressive portfolios for someone who has never been on a publication.”
Soonyoung sucks in his cheek to try and stop crying, “Guys.”
“It’s hard to ask for help, I get that. But, you have always wanted to learn. It’s better to learn from somebody who understands, somebody who loves you and wants to see you be better. Wonwoo is perfect and he wouldn’t judge you.” Jeonghan says, “You’re kicking ass, Soonyoung. We will support you and when you’re upset like this just tell us. It makes me sad thinking you’re thinking you’re an idiot because of something like this.”
“You’re an amazing photographer, even if you think they could have found people better than you. Or that you’re not good as this person, there’s always somebody who thinks that about you.” Seokmin says, Soonyoung can tell he is crying, “Use people as inspirations, not everything is a competition.”
Soonyoung sniffles loudly as he realizes he was crying, “This was suppose to be a fun call.”
“Now you made us all cry!” Jun laughs, “It’s more upsetting that we aren’t there. But, now tell us about Korea.”
Soonyoung laughs as he wipes his face. He tells them about how Dowoon and Chaeyoung got lost in the airport and how they nearly left them. He explains how ever since the US him and Wonwoo have shared a bed and that it’s nice. Wonwoo also always calls him cute pet names and he loves it. He talked about how My Day’s family will all be at the shows and their hotel isn’t too far. Or how Wonpil and Jae are doing great and their parents support which made Wonpil cry.
“I’m glad you’re having fun, Soon. Would you like a Parsons update?” Seokmin asks eagerly and Soonyoung can’t help but yell yes.
Seokmin tells him how Jeonghan and Jihoon are officially dating. They now join the group of couples who are “annoyingly cute”. Seokmin got the lead in the big summer musical and Soonyoung nearly cried because he knew how important it was to him. Jun was seeing somebody, nobody knew who he was but he sent flowers with a note in Chinese. Jeonghan said they were planning to ask Minghao about it soon and Jeonghan was checking in on Wonwoo’s roommates and they’re still alive.
Chan and Minghao are happy and in love and overall his friends are doing great. It made Soonyoung happy to hear.
“But, hey. Kick ass tonight okay? We’re rooting for you but it’s kind of late here. We’ll talk to you later and we love you okay?” Jeonghan says, “If you ever feel like this you can always call.”
Soonyoung nods and feels stupid because they can’t see it, “Got it. Love you guys.”
They all shout love you and the dial goes dead. It was almost 4 o’clock and everybody should be back soon. Soonyoung felt relaxed now, there was that little voice in the back of his head trying to remind him why he was so upset. But, he kept pushing it back and needed to distract himself.
To Wonwoo:
Hey whenever you get back can you help me out with something?
Soonyoung locks his phone as he takes out his laptop. Maybe he could find some easy quick to understand facts about his settings. He researched for an hour and found some helpful hints. He hears the small buzzing of the hotel room and sees Wonwoo standing with a takeout box.
“I didn’t know exactly what you’d want but Wonpil piled a bunch of food. He said you’d enjoy it so here. You didn’t eat yet have you?”
Soonyoung shakes his head and makes grabby hands at the box. Wonwoo hands it over and slides off his shoes and flops onto the bed next to him. Soonyoung lifts the box open and is greeted with so many foods he could just cry.
“Are you feeling any better? You did look really sick.” Wonwoo says softly, “Jae told me not to worry but I worried.”
Soonyoung can’t help but smile as he ruffles Wonwoo’s hair, “Cute. But, I’m okay now. I talked to Jeonghan and everybody back home. I’m doing better but could you help me set up my camera? I really am bad with red lighting and I don’t want to mess this show up.”
Wonwoo nods and already heading towards Soonyoung’s camera bag. He didn’t ask any further questions, he didn’t make Soonyoung feel embarrassed. He just did as asked and didn’t shame Soonyoung for not knowing something like this. It felt nice that Wonwoo respected his privacy.
“I used to really hate red lights too.” Wonwoo says, “But sometimes even the blurry photos are better than the in focus one. Emotion. It’s differs and Art is art. Nobody can make you feel like you’re doing art in the wrong way.”
Soonyoung feels like he is having trouble swallowing, “That’s so right. Oh my god?”
Wonwoo was beyond right. Art is so free and so open to anything. There isn’t a limitation on how to create art and what you should create. His art is his own and if it’s not the best who else can tell him his art is wrong besides himself? It doesn’t matter if Soonyoung wasn’t on tour or he was still scared to push his limits. His art is his own and nobody else’s, how dare he tell himself that he isn’t good at what he does?
Wonwoo laughs, and hands over his camera to him with a smile, “You’ll do great.”
Soonyoung mumbles a small thanks and Wonwoo explains what he missed at the lunch. Soonyoung nods and eats contently as Wonwoo retells how half of the band forgot how to speak Korean to the waitress. Jinyoung was telling them “Korean” under his breath constantly.
The two managed to download some lifetime movies and watch one till the show was going to start. Everybody met in the lobby, Soonyoung’s arm was linked up with Wonwoo because tonight was a big night. Soonyoung could tell how the boys were nervous, the girls were too. The staff was holding it together but he could see their nervous ticks. It wasn’t nerves as if the bands couldn’t do the show well, it was nerves that this was their first out of the country show.
The ride was loud, despite their nerves, the shouting and chanting My Day did on the way to the venue was uplifting. Soonyoung could never imagine he’d be shooting a concert in Korea, he felt so grateful for this moment. He wanted to cry but he felt cried out.
Everybody huddled together once they arrived at the venue. Everything was set up, they rehearsed plenty of times. Jae started off the usual talk, how they all dreamed of this and he’s thankful that everybody could be there.
“I’m thankful for Hot Punk, my band, Soonyoung and Wonwoo. The staff, everybody. We are going to kick ass, and be back here on a bigger and longer tour. This is only the start, for all of us. Thank you guys for giving this dumb band a chance.”
Wonpil was already tearing up even before the show started. My Day has took bets on who would be the first to cry and Wonpil was the one to cry first. It was already almost happening. They parted and Soonyoung and Wonwoo ran to the pit, his camera tight to his
chest as the lights started to go down. His adrenaline was already pumping, his fingers were sweating but in a good way.
Hot Punk comes out, the crowd is absolutely yelling and Jennie already has tears in her eyes. They start off with Playing with Fire, the Korean version which was a surprise to the crowd. Soonyoung isn’t in charge of shooting their set but he found himself scattering around the pit, the audience and even behind stage for crowd shots. He slowed down to watch Wonwoo, who was back against the barricade looking up to get a shot of Lisa.
Admiration filled Soonyoung’s chest, every one of his best friends we’re achieving a dream tonight. He was apart of something so magical and he felt just so happy for them. The girls were wrapping up their stage lastly singing Stay and handing out roses. Chaeyoung was crying in ending speech stumbling through the the Korean and having to quit talking overall.
Jisoo was the only one holding it together as she ending with a bow of all 4. Soonyoung sees Wonwoo brushing away tears and running backstage to greet the girls. All five were holding each other so tightly and Soonyoung grabbed a quick photo of that moment. Wonwoo was petting Chaeyoung and Jennie’s hair down as he let go, it was so soft and so touching. Soonyoung really didn’t consider how close those five actually are.
“You’re up boys!” Jisoo yells as My Day takes the stage.
Soonyoung is automatically heads towards the pit. His knees feel weak as the stage starts and they unveil new songs and songs that are korean. Wonpil is in tears as he sings You Were Beautiful the Korean version that they released a week before coming here. The crowd was singing with every single song so passionately that Soonyoung felt the emotion.
He got a few shots of the crowd, the people in tears as they watch their favorite singers shedding tears. Soonyoung has been working on crowd shots and this crowd was perfect. The set was wrapping up, they delivered speeches where Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon were sobbing. The staff is rushing Hot Punk to the stage and then follows a cake with everybody’s face on it.
“Congrats on performing in Korea!” The crowd shouts and holds up banners cheering for the two bands. Soonyoung finds himself sniffling so loudly as they all hug, cry, and yell. The adrenaline is high and Soonyoung feels dizzy just in this atmosphere. The show is ending and it’s just the start for this leg, and Soonyoung wonders if they’ll be cried out by the end.
“I need to celebrate! Hyung, can we go out?” Younghyun asks, “PLEASE can we go out?”
Jinyoung had already planned for a dinner that allows them to all get drunk in a more friendly public spot. Rather than a club and Soonyoung is also dying to eat some food. The ride to the restaurant was hectic after the tears, the boys were running on pure energy.
Once everything settled, Wonwoo and Soonyoung found themselves struggling to feed themselves and going through their photos. Soonyoung was happy he asked Wonwoo for help, he has some blurry photos during the red lights but not as much as he’d have if he didn’t ask for help. They talked quietly as everybody yelled and clinked their shots of Soju. It was as if they were in their own bubble and it was nice,’it was comforting.
“If you don’t take a shot, I am sending you back home.” Sungjin says threateningly, his ears tinted red, “Celebrate with us.”
Soonyoung rolls his eyes as he downs the clear liquid that tastes like nail polish remover and smiles, “Nobody was offering me drinks, sorry!”
“Lies, you were just looking at the photos. I am happy you came out with us, nobody else deserves this moment with us other than you.”
Soonyoung feels his cheeks blush as he accepts another shot and a mouthful of bean sprouts from wondering chopsticks. The dinner was hectic but Soonyoung felt so thankful to say this was his work, his career.
After willingly accepting shots, and feeling his body start to get the familiar buzz of being tipsy. He yanked on Wonwoo’s arm asking softly if they could go back to the room. He didn’t really trust himself to be out drunk in public in Korea with his camera. He wanted to be in his hotel room with a tube of Pringles under his arm.
“Take care of him, Wonwoo!” Dowoon sings as he waves dramatically, “Bye!”
“You guys kept shoving shots down his throat.” Wonwoo tuts as he grabs Soonyoung’s camera and his wrist. One of the tour staffs for this leg offered to drive them back and Soonyoung felt grateful he couldn’t wait longer for a cab or going to the bus.
Soonyoung finds himself gravitating to Wonwoo’s shoulder, digging his face in the nook of his neck. He smelled of fresh laundry and a bit of sweat, it was oddly refreshing. Wonwoo didn’t tease up but let Soonyoung cuddle and relax in his warmth.
The walk inside was slow because Soonyoung wouldn’t let go off Wonwoo. He was too soft, he was too warm to want to be apart from. Plus, it almost felt like a dream. Soonyoung almost can’t believe he was having a bad breakdown earlier in the morning to being happy in the arms of who he loves.
Love. Such a weird and overpowering emotion, it’s scary when you love somebody. Somebody who you just got to know, but have admired from afar wanting to get to know them. To unravel their mind, to know every detail about them and wanting to be around them. It felt like a dream, Soonyoung was really in the arms of somebody he loved. He always daydreamed about it and here he is, and it felt so great to admit it.
“Soon, are you sleepy?” Wonwoo asks as they are standing outside their hotel room, “You have to change first.”
Soonyoung nods as Wonwoo sets him on the edge of the bed. He unlaced Soonyoung’s shoes and kept his socks on, because he knew Soonyoung would take them off before he goes to bed. Soonyoung watches as he grabs a stack of Soonyoung’s pjs and his own.
“You change out here and I’ll change in the bathroom.” Wonwoo says, “Stay up okay?”
Another sleepy nod and they part, Soonyoung struggles but he gets out of his jeans and into his athletic shorts and just stays in the polo shirt he wore today. He really should take a shower but his legs feel like jello. He flops backwards being greeted by the familiar cushion of his Hamtaro plush.
“Hey, can I talk to you about something?” Wonwoo asks, and Soonyoung nearly jumps out of the bed because he didn’t realize he was even back.
Soonyoung struggles but manages to pull the covers over the both of them. Cuddling close to Wonwoo and feeling him out his arm around Soonyoung’s shoulder so he could come in closer. Soonyoung could hear the rhythm of Wonwoo’s heart, he was nervous.
“Go ahead.”
“I overheard.. your call with Jeonghan earlier.” Wonwoo whispers, “Just the earlier part when you were talking about me.”
Soonyoung groans, “What did you hear?”
“You know.. you can never bother me with photography questions. Or feel embarrassed around me, Soon.” Wonwoo says, “I am no better than you especially with digital.”
“I agree that photography sucks, the science and all the numbers it really sucks. It’s overwhelming and as a fellow self taught photographer.” Wonwoo explains, “It is embarrassing when you don’t know something you should.”
“I just don’t want you to feel as if you can’t ask me.. I ask you questions all the time. It’s hard but I like to think we are a team? Nobody understands my work ethic, and my work better than you. I think the same way and for us to be better, we should work together.” Wonwoo says, “We can struggle together, achieve together, and celebrate together. We can also be angry, we can cry, and hurt together as well.”
“When you feel upset with your work, your career, and when you don’t know something. It’s always the most horrible feeling to not feel confident in your career and work, and so I hope you can rely on me the way I rely on you. I know we just got close but I rely on you a lot. You give me a lot insight and opinions and contribute to my work.” Wonwoo mumbles, “I appreciate it and I hope you know your impact in others lives. So, please in the future rely on me. Trust me, and know I’m here for you, always.”
Soonyoung sniffles, he really assumed he was cried out but leave it up to Wonwoo to make him cry.
Soonyoung perched himself on his elbow squinting at Wonwoo in the dark. He grabs Wonwoo’s cheeks, he makes his pursed lips out the dark. He leans in, and kisses Wonwoo. It’s soft, it’s not too much force but just the content lazy kissing that Soonyoung loves.
He parts, and sighs before lying back on Wonwoo’s chest, “I always rely on you, Wonwoo. I always will.”
“Promise?”
“Mhm.” Soonyoung yawns, “I promise.”
“I can’t believe you just kissed me.” Wonwoo says, his tone in disbelief. Or as his friends would say, in a “panicked gay” tone.
“Well get used to it, cause it’ll happen more often.”
“Perfect.” Wonwoo laughs, his breathy laugh that Soonyoung loves, “I can’t wait.”