Chapter Text
“Whoosh”
The sound of Spiderman swinging through the streets, the air flying past him as he tried to run away from his problems.
“Aghhhhh”
The sound of a person being mugged. Pure terror filling their scream as a weapon is pointed at them, all they can think is what they never got a chance to say, they watch their life flash before their eyes.
“Crash”
The sound of the mugger being thrown to the ground. The person is safe, the weapon gone.
“YAY”
The sound of a happy passer-by. Glad that they live in a world where superheroes help the little guy, or one superhero at least.
(Oh how Peter wished he could be happy)
“Thank you”
The sound of a thankful citizen, saved by Spiderman.
(Why couldn’t Peter save the ones most important to him)
“.”
The sound of Peter’s empty home, he was alone. The flat had never felt as big as it did now, as it did today. He had never felt this lonely, he had never felt this hurt.
(Why did Peter have to be here and not with his family)
“thunk”
The sound of dirt hitting a coffin.
(needed too soon)
It was a simple affair, Peter couldn't completely remember it, he was crying too hard to be able to see, but he could remember the amount of people there, the amount of people crying, the exhaustion that had settled in his bones.
“.”
The sound of Peter holding back tears
(While his world falls with each piece of dirt)
He didn't manage, the tears came, they always came. He couldn't stop them, just like he couldn't stop them from dying.
The world around Peter was so loud, filled with happiness, laughter and love, while Peter's was silent, the noises of the people he loved silenced too soon, their beautiful flames extinguished because of Peter.
All because of Peter. All because Peter couldn't save them. All because Peter failed them.
The only noises in Peter's world were those in his head.
“YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT THEY ARE GONE BECAUSE OF YOU”
And they were too loud.
(but were they right)
"YOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULT"
It was all be could hear, day after day. Sometimes it quieted, only a whisper. But on days like today it was a shout, a scream, a yell, impossible to ignore.
Peter carefully sat down, the roof cold and rough under him.
He barely felt it. He had other things on his mind. Other things to think of than how uncomfortable he was…. At least he could still feel uncomfortable, dead people couldn't feel.
He stared across the Queen's skyline and finally allowed the tears to fall. He was alone, now and forever.
The sun was setting, a truly breathtaking sight. Sometimes Peter wondered if one day, something would steal the breath right from him. Would it be spidermanning? Would it be something else?
Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Peter stared at his contacts. He could call May. But she was on a work trip, she didn't need to be distracted by Peter. Anyway, today was just as hard for her, if not harder.
He could call Tony. He wouldn't mind. He always told Peter to call if something was wrong, if he was injured.
But Peter wasn't injured, not physically anyway.
But would Tony still count it?
After all, Peter might not be physically injured, but the pain in his chest, in his head, in his heart, suggested otherwise.
He curled in on himself slightly, the pain intensifying now he had acknowledged it.
"yourfaultyourfaultyourfaultYOURFAULT"
The voices wouldn't stop, the pain wouldn't stop. Barely paying any attention, Peter pulled his phone out and clicked on his contacts.
The names were blurred from his tears but it didn't take him long to find Tony, he could probably find Tony's contact while blind by now.
"Pete?" Tony answered, picking up on the first ring "everything ok?"
Peter tried to answer, but all that came out was a muffled sob
“Peter?” Tony asked again “Do you need anything?”
Peter was about to say no when he actually thought things through. Why hide it? He was hurting, he wanted someone here, someone to hug him, so why not?
After all, out of everyone he could talk to, Tony was the one he wanted to talk to most.
"Can….. can you…" Peter paused, almost doubted himself then plowed on "can you come pick me up please?"
"Sure" Tony replied quickly, the sound of his iron man suit forming coming through the speaker "I'll be there in 5 minutes, stay where you are."
Peter nodded before remembering that Tony couldn't see him "ok, I… I can do that."
With that, the line disconnected and Peter was left, sitting on the rooftop, alone. But not for long. That's what he reminded himself Tony would be there soon to pick him up. Tony would be here.
Tony cared.
Tony cared.
Tony cared.
Which would probably end up being his downfall looking at Peter's father figure history.
But that wasn't what Tony was focused on. And it wasn't what Peter should focus on. Not yet. Not now.
Trying to distract himself, Peter started counting cars and when that inevitably got extremely boring, Peter turned his gaze to the sky.
To the gradually darkening sky.
And to the gradually appearing stars.
Peter breathed deeply. The city air, already cooling and becoming that lovely crisp night time scent.
In. Out.
Peter felt himself calming slowly as he breathed, listening to the muted sounds of the city below him as the silent tears continued to flow down his face.
It was all your fault.
He would have been fine if not for you.
The noise of repulsors, this time not on the other side of a phone, pulled Peter out of his mind. He took another deep breath to ready himself for this conversation and slowly turned towards the quickly approaching flying man.
A small crash was all that signified the arrival of Tony.
"Hey Pete" his voice was cheery but Peter could hear the underlying worry.
Peter wiped his tears and stood up "can we go back to the compound." He said quietly, pulling on his mask.
Tony didn't vocally reply, he just nodded and prepared to take off.
Peter knew that was his que to jump onto Tony's back and spider stick until they got back.
"Thank you" he said very quietly but he was sure Tony could hear him.
5 minutes later and they were landing at the tower. Peter expertly detached himself from Tony, his limbs feeling like piles of lead.
"Come on" Tony said, making a follow me gesture with his hand.
Peter sighed quietly to himself as he tried to dry the tears which had gathered in the flight over. Once he was sure they were all gone (until new ones took their place anyway) he followed Tony towards the sitting room where Tony was perched.
Once Peter was sat down and comfy, Tony turned and just looked. After about a minute of just looking he finally spoke.
"What's going on?" He asked "and don't say nothing because it isn't nothing."
Peter smiled slightly despite the tears which had resumed their steady journey from his eyes down his cheeks, Tony really did know him well, Tony really was family.
Peter expected that realisation to make him stop a minute, but it didn't. Tony cared. Tony was family. And that may end up with him meeting an early unfortunate demise, but it was Tony's choice. It was Tony who chose to care.
"It isn't nothing." Peter agreed "it's the anniversary of Ben…" he couldn't finish his sentence but one glance at Tony told him what he already knew, Tony didn't need him to finish, Tony understood.
"Shhhhh, it's ok" Tony said quietly "shhh, I'm here, it's ok"
Tony carefully rearranged them so he could pull Peter into a hug "it's ok."
Peter wanted to pull away, say 'no, no it's not ok, Ben's dead because of me!' But Tony held tight and started gently playing with Peter's hair and it would be too much work to pull away and argue, so Peter just relaxed and allowed Tony's reassuring words wash over him.
Tony clearly believed what he was saying and if he stuck around, maybe Peter could learn to believe it too.