Archive of Our Own ^beta

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

felixxxx

its sylvain!

felix

felix

felix felix felix

felix

pls respond

don't text me.

yessss

you responded !!

555-6898 (Maybe: Dimitri)

hey.

Hello, Felix.

can i come over.

again.

Already?

yes.

This is sooner than expected.

a job fell through. i’ll be around a little longer than i thought.

Can I come over to your place this time?

what.

why would you want to.

I've treated you in my home for a while, now. Isn't it your turn to play host?

it's a shitty apartment.

i only keep a place here so i have an address to file my taxes with.

How practical. Do you want me to bring dinner or do you have food?

i have food.

I am not drinking a candlelight protein shake with you to get us in the mood.

you’re not coming over so it won’t be a problem.

Please?

no.

:(

don't.

don't fucking text me a sad face.

:(

i’m already halfway out the door.

i'll see you soon.

I suppose I can’t stop you.

555-6898 (Maybe: Dimitri)

It was nice to see you, Felix. Genuinely.

yeah. i bet.

You don't have to act so frigid towards me afterwards.

you do realize i immediately left to avoid the awkward pillow talk.

that is the entire point of immediately leaving.

I suppose I can’t complain about the bed getting cold when you were hardly here long enough to warm it.

at least you’re self-aware about your lack of stamina.

That’s not fair! You’ve never given me a square chance!

With some more strategic pacing who knows how far you and I could go.

stop.

Stop?

stop.

flirting with me.

Is that what I’m doing? Such things usually come before the sex, don’t they?

you’ve already had your fill, boar. are you really such a pig to beg for me again?

You texted me, Felix. Why am I always so bemoaned for responding? For taking the hand extended to me?

if i had any doubt you were a slave to your baser instincts it has long since been disproven.

Come now. You don’t get to show up at my door looking so hungerpained and pretty only to call the hand that feeds you a whore.

call me pretty again and i’ll do far worse than shout obscenities at your hand.

And here I was assuming you had a fondness for my hands.

you’re insatiable.

You're pretty.

this conversation is over. i'm going to bed now.

Goodnight.

that's your cue to stop texting me.

Maybe next time I can finally see your home.

I'll be waiting.

Ingrid (Don't Fuck This Up, Dumbass)

Testing, testing. This is Ingrid and this is my number.

hello ingrid youve reached sylvain can i take a message

Hah. Tell Sylvain he's much better at making waffles now than he was in high school.

i am insulted on behalf of my high school waffles that i made for my good good friends who i loved

You set the fire alarm off in Felix's house!

thats irrelevant

the important thing here is to establish if these unburnt waffles i made today were indeed genuine friend waffles

:)

:)

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

sylvain.

felix felix

you responded again

i need to ask you something.

yes hello i am here

do you also want to be my date to the dedue and mercedes wedding because slots are going fast but technically i still have a free arm

no.

what cmon

being a last minute backup date is all im good for felix

do you know how many spring weddings ive gone to w girls that want to show their wifed up besties theyre not at the singles table

i could turn my services into a profitable business

oh but yeah what did you need again

never mind.

nooo

come back whats the problem

lean on this broad friend shoulder and sing me your broody woes

no.

youre still textin me

what can i do for you

is this a lady issue ;)

also no.

well.

sort of.

ahuh

you have come to the right place

sort of

you dating someone

no.

so you have a crush then

absolutely not.

so youre what

sleeping with someone?

felix? you there?

yes.

yes to being here or yes to nailing someone on the regular

yes.

i see i see

so who you been gettin busy with and whats the issue

dimitri.

the issue is also dimitri.

oh

hey give me two seconds huh

Sylvain (Don't Let Him Fuck This Up)

dont tell anyone ingrid this is such a breach of brotrust but felix is fucking dimitri he just told me and like what am i even supposed to do with this info oh shit oh shit oh shit

What?

Sylvain!

sorry im texting with him right now i will provide updates

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

k back

hey.

so

dimitri huh

yes.

like when youre in town or

does it matter.

no youre fine youre fine

im a little surprised is all

surprised.

yeah

like back in high school when we

you know

what about it.

you were actually gay

obviously.

is it obvious

i dont think it was that obvious

Sylvain (Don't Let Him Fuck This Up)

That's not too surprising, in retrospect.

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

am i just dumb

i asked to shove my hand down your pants.

it was lacrosse camp!

we were late for morning call. twice.

a really really wild lacrosse camp!

i didn’t come here to talk about this.

youre right you didnt this is dimitri talk time

god you really fucked him

after all that shit talking

i’m not here for your opinion i’m here for your experience.

experience

what do i look like someone who goes around accidentally fucking my best friends

Sylvain (Don't Let Him Fuck This Up)

Is he okay? Do I need to talk to him?

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

lacrosse camps aside

k where were we

youre in a steady fwb arrangement with dimitri

unless its something more?

less. it’s not steady and we’re hardly friends.

but he hits you up

well.

well?

sometimes. it’s me.

usually it’s me.

this is the worst. why am i talking to you.

no no i dig it

i get it

those thighs transcend gender

or you’re bisexual.

im not but thats besides the point

you hit him up then what

that’s it.

thats it

that’s the problem.

felix are you just freaking out about sleeping with dimitri

is that literally it

no sylvain.

the problem is i can’t stop.

Sylvain (Don't Let Him Fuck This Up)

hes got feelings

ingrid hes got feelings

Oh my god.

holy shit what should i say

tell me what to say

Tell him to confess!

what

no

Why not?

bc what if dimitri rejects him

what then

i cant have that be my fault felix will murder me

He’s not going to kill you for telling him to be honest. It’s his business, not yours.

ok but how sure are you that his weird out of country freelance work isnt as a hitman

like

one to ten

Nine.

so theres a chance

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

so

yes?

this is what the cool kids call catching feelings

uh huh.

yep

and?

and

its generally believed as a common response not tailored at all to your specific situation that

when you catch feelings you should express them

no.

no?

no.

i need to stop this. not exacerbate the situation.

do you tho?

yes. what do you mean. i can’t date him.

i dunno its kind of nice to indulge in the thought of coming home to a tall strong blonde who lets you rest your head on their chest and listens to you ramble and buys you food

not speaking from personal experience but

yeah

not when the blond is a raving beast.

that

can also be sexy

sylvain you dump women every other weekend. i am looking for advice re: that and not. whatever this is.

you want to dump him?

we aren’t dating.

you want to stop sleeping with him?

if that’s what it takes to stop feeling like this.

and what feeling is that

feeling like i want to lay my head on his chest and ramble.

obviously.

Dimitri

Are you sure you don’t want a bachelor’s party, Dedue? It’s customary.

I am sure.

If you’re working off a skewed visage of American movies I can assure you there is usually no property destruction or strippers.

Unless you’d like strippers, of course.

We can arrange for strippers. Also property damage, if needed.

No.

Not unexpected but I still thought I’d float the idea.

You’ve done enough.

Have I?

More than enough.

Too much?

Maybe a little. But that was expected.

Do you need something, Dimitri?

Not at all.

You usually call me, is all.

Ah. True. But there’s nothing wrong with the printed word now and again.

We only text when we need something from one another and are too apprehensive to express that in real time.

Or you’ve fallen ill again.

How astute.

Are you alright?

Yes.

Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is?

I’ve seen Felix, recently.

I’ve been seeing Felix.

I see.

Like before.

Intimately.

I inferred.

Right. Sharp as ever.

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

what if you didnt confess

excellent idea.

what if you took it slow

like you guys could be friends again

clearly you want to spend time with him maybe getting chummy again would stop the whole thing from progressing

and then you guys can go about your business without a sticky unresolved film covering everything

or make the situation exponentially stickier.

fine then just stop sleeping with him if its that big of a deal

i told you. that is the last resort.

yeah but you seem to be really pained about this to the point of considering reaching out to me and if its hurting you that much i just think that you should maybe consider

not

having sex with dimitri anymore

no.

oh my god

how good could he possibly fuck

Dimitri

I can’t turn him down.

You have the ability to turn him down.

I know but I don’t.

You can.

But I don’t want to.

I don’t want to at all.

I’m getting that impression.

Oh, this is all so embarrassing. Do you want to talk about the table settings for the wedding instead?

I do not want to talk about the table settings for the wedding instead.

Of course. Excuse the interruption.

It’s just that this really isn’t about me, you know? I would much rather be talking about you. And your big day.

Dimitri.

Continue.

Alright then.

If you insist.

You were saying.

I’m in love with Felix.

Sylvain (Don't Let Him Fuck This Up)

Sylvain! Updates!

ok so felix is definitely in love with dimitri

For how long I wonder...

ingrid i need help

hes getting frustrated

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

these thoughts are not productive.

theyre not really for being productive theyre mostly there as like

human instinct

ugh.

i dunno what to say to you man

if you cant have the sex without the feelings you cant have the sex without the feelings

thats just how youre wired

it’s not that i’m incapable it’s just.

him. specifically.

yeah im gathering that

can i be candid

i can’t stop you.

ok

real advice time

sure.

if you love him

i don’t.

but if you did

or could

or want to

maybe you should honor that and tell him

if he reacts badly which he wont because hes dimitri then all you lose is a fuck buddy

and losing your fuck buddy was your only other option anyway

unless you wanted to keep suffering alone in silence i guess

with ultimatums like this it’s tempting.

you deserve better than that felix

getting tossed aside by dimitri is not better.

Sylvain (Don't Let Him Fuck This Up)

Tell him that if he loves Dimitri he should confess.

ok

he says he doesnt

Well of course he says he doesn’t. He’s Felix.

well what should i say

Tell him that if he loves him, or could love him, or wants to love him, he should honor that part of himself.

kk

And that the worst that could happen is that Dimitri would let him down easy, because Dimitri is gentle like that. And that no matter what Dimitri cares for him. Because they’re friends, and have been friends for such a long time.

And nothing will change that history. Not even a confession of that magnitude.

im gonna tell him that worst that could happen is he loses his most consistent fuck buddy

You do that.

But also tell him that he shouldn’t have to suffer indefinitely just because the object of his affections may never return his feelings.

He deserves so much more than to sit in silence.

That’s a terrible way to live.

ok

done

he says he doesnt think dimitri will like him back lol i feel like were all fifteen year olds again

ingrid

you there

I’m here.

oh good because i got felix on the line here

Sylvain?

ye

I’m in love with you.

555-1422 (Maybe: Sylvain)

hey man

uh

something just came up and i think

im gonna have to text you back later

fine.

this was about as productive as i was expecting.

555-6898 (Maybe: Dimitri)

Felix, hello. It’s Dimitri.

i was just about to text you actually.

Come to Dedue’s wedding with me.

i don’t think we should see each other anymore.

oh.

Ah.

Never mind.

fuck. sorry.

It’s fine! I should have waited until you finished texting. I saw the little dotted bubble and everything.

I very much misread the situation.

you wanted to go to the wedding with me?

Yes, I did. Maybe a bit foolishly. You’ve never been a man for parties.

Or sweeping romantic gestures.

is your wedding plus one invite supposed to be romantic.

Well I’m not going to go into my intentions now.

is it?

As you’re so fond of saying, I’ll save us both the embarrassment.

wait. dimitri.

don’t go.

I’m not talking this through with you.

no i really think you should.

I’m not going to hassle you with my feelings any further. You’ve made your place on the matter clear.

you’re acting like you’ve confessed something when you haven’t.

I’m saving us the fallout. Or did you want to drag things out, for once?

fuck. you’re not going to say it.

What am I not saying.

you’re not going to. you’re too much of a coward.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

i’m going to have to say it. you bastard.

Say what?

i love you.

Oh.

Yes. I do.

I’m sorry.

I’m happy to keep being a body, an indulgence, to you. Whatever it is you’re seeking. I don’t mind.

But I do love you and you deserve to know that.

no, you dense boar. listen to me.

i’m confessing to you.

Dima

Hello, Dimitri. It’s Ingrid.

Ingrid! It’s lovely to hear from you.

Same to you. How is the venue? It’s a beautiful day.

Couldn’t be more perfect for a wedding.

We’re on our way, now. A bit early. Is there anything we can bring to help?

Hopefully you’re not putting out too many fires.

Annette’s holding down the main bases. I think we’ll be able to pull this off without an incident.

How’s the groom?

Nervous. Uncharacteristically talkative. He keeps texting Mercedes from their respective prep stations.

He seems happy, though.

That's sweet. Are you sure there’s nothing else we can do for them? For you?

Do you have my date?

Sylvain is making him go change his shoes but yes, I do.

What happened to his shoes?

Something about looking like an old man. I’m not sure. I barely understand women’s fashion.

Remind me to tease him later, won’t you?

Gladly.

We’ll all be sitting together.

Like old times.

I don’t remember the old times quite like this.

Felix and Dima weren’t feeling out a serious relationship back then.

I was going to say that Sylvain had not confessed his long-standing crush on you, but sure. That works too.

Long-standing?

Yes.

How long are we talking here.

Hmmm. Maybe, eight?

He’s had a crush on me for eight years?

Oh, no. More than that. Since he was eight years old.

What?

He told me and Felix the second it emerged. We heard about it well into high school.

Are you serious?

That emotionally concussed bastard.

Hah. I’ll let the two of you work that out on the car ride here.

We’ll be there soon. Promise.

Drive safe, Ingrid.

Take care, Dimitri.

I’d say save us a spot but it sounds like you already have.