Chapter Text
Poe jolted when he heard someone knocking madly on the door. He lifted his head from BB-8’s dome as BB-8 let out a concerned beep. Poe brushed him off as he made his way to the door as he tried to compose himself. He didn’t want whoever had come to see him to think that he had just been sobbing on the floor with his droid because of a fight with his boyfriend. That wasn’t exactly General behavior.
He touched the panel to open the door. He nearly stumbled back when he saw Finn standing in front of him. He wanted to be angry and tell Finn to leave him alone, but he couldn’t bring those words to his lips. He could only stand there in shock.
“Hi, can I come in,” requested Finn softly.
Before Poe could answer, BB-8 rolled forward. He stood in front of Poe and let out a flurry of fierce beeps. Finn couldn’t speak binary and yet he knew that BB-8 was angry with him.
“Hey, hey, enough of that,” chided Poe as he motioned for his droid to back off. BB-8 reluctantly listened as he rolled back over to D-O, who was watching questioningly from the back of the room. “You can come in.” He stepped aside and waited for Finn to take the first step forward.
Finn started forward with an appreciative nod of his head, his hands tucked deeply into the pockets of his pants as his arms slightly flapped in apprehension. The door closed behind him and he found himself in the center of the room. An awkwardness seemed to fall on them and Finn wished that he would’ve thought about how he was going to say what he felt on the way over.
“Why don’t we sit down,” suggested Finn cautiously as he looked to their bed.
Poe nodded, but didn’t say anything. He shuffled forward cautiously with Finn following, careful to give Poe enough time to sit first. Poe settled on the bed almost fearfully as he played with his hands in front of him. He picked at the cuticles of his nails while his lips pursed together. Finn settled beside him, but he kept his distance. He didn’t want to overwhelm Poe too much right when he walked in.
Poe coughed to clear his throat. He spoke, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Finn. “What are you doing here,” he questioned.
“I didn’t like where we left things. I said things that I didn’t mean and I’m sure that you said somethings that you didn’t mean.” Finn lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “What I meant to say is that I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry,” Poe croaked in shock.
Finn nodded gravely. “Yes, I am. I realized that yelling at each other isn’t the best option. Actually, it’s not a option at all. We should’ve been speaking to each other instead of at each other. I took me a while to figure that out. I just want to have a conversation. Is that okay?”
Poe could tell how genuine Finn sounded. He knew that he had to do the same. “Y-Yes. I’m sorry too. You didn’t deserve me to lash out like that at you or anything. I wasn’t angry at you. You just were the person caught in the storm,” he confessed with his head bowed in shame.
Finn’s shoulders slumped as he let out a heavy sigh. “We both made mistakes. That’s alright. That’s what happens in a relationship. We can make it better, though. We can talk and hear each other....” He suddenly trailed off when he saw that Poe had lifted a hand to his mouth and was trying to hold the sobs in. His entire body shook with the effort and Finn felt his heart rise in his throat.
He clustered closer to Poe and paused to make sure that Poe was alright with him being that close. When Poe didn’t pull away, Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s shoulders and pulled him close. “I didn’t mean to make you cry so soon,” Finn whispered against the top of Poe’s head.
Poe hiccuped as he tried to compose himself. “I thought that you were going to leave me,” Poe managed to choke out. “Everyone else leaves.”
“Hey, hey!” Finn lowered his head so that his cheek was almost touching Poe’s. “I am not like everyone else. I will never leave you. We may fight and argue, but I’m not going to leave. I’m not. There’s nothing that you could ever say to me to scare me away.”
Poe still didn’t seem convinced. His heart had just been too battered. “Every time I think that I get used to the look and the words they break me up again. I’m starting to believe that I’m not fucking worth it.”
“You are always worth it! I know that people have hurt you, people here, and that’s not right. I know that you feel lonely. You have to listen to them talk shit about you because of things that you can’t help. I can’t even imagine what that’s like,” Finn sympathized as he rubbed his hand gingerly against Poe’s shoulder as he still had his arm wrapped around him comfortingly.
Poe gritted his teeth. “It’s agony. I would fix this if I could. I’m trying. It’s just frustrating to make strides and everyone still treats you like shit. I’m tired of the comments and the looks. People whispering about when I’m going to step down. Saying that I should be put out of my misery. Saying how useless I am. As if I didn’t have those thoughts already in my head,” he muttered.
Finn longed to hunt everyone of them down. If he and Poe weren’t so high up in the Resistance he would’ve taken him somewhere to heal away from all of this. Poe’s duties hadn’t changed and he still met all of them. He could usually make it through the day and joke with the best of them. He would check his X-Wing and make sure that no militia groups rose up. Then he would come back at night and all the walls that he had built up and all the emotions swirling inside of him would leak out. That’s what brought on the nightmares and flashbacks late at night. Finn could always tell when things would unravel and they would deal with them. They would wake up weary, but they would do what they had to do. There was no reason that Poe couldn’t do what he needed for the Resistance, but no one seemed to care about that.
“Is that why you don’t want to go to therapy or the support group,” Finn asked.
“A group saw me coming out of the room,” Poe sniffed fearfully. “They started giving some of the others in there a hard time about it. Mhina and Naylo can’t handle that. I thought that it would be best if I stayed away so that I didn’t draw attention to them or make anyone even more suspicious of me.”
Poe sighed heavily as he managed to straighten. He needed to get through the rest of this conversation without loosing control. “I also don’t feel that I’m getting better. I still feel empty, hollow.”
“Then you need to tell me,” Finn practically begged. If he could’ve shaken Poe to make him understand, then he would’ve. However, that wouldn’t have done any good. “Tell me when you have these feelings. I don’t care if we’re joking around or if you’re not in the room. Let me know. I need to know so that I can help.”
Poe grumbled. “You shouldn’t have to be my keeper.”
“I’m not your keeper, idiot,” joked Finn as he nudged Poe fondly. “You would do, and have done, the same for me. Remember when I told you that we would get through this together? After that first panic attack with the fireworks?”
Poe paused for a moment before nodding. “I remember. I never thought in a million years that you would actually follow me. I thought that you would’ve given up by then.”
“I feel in love with you, Poe. This isn’t going to make me love you any less. However, I do feel that we need to figure out a better way of communicating when these disagreements arise, because they will happen,” Finn added.
Poe nodded in agreement. That was something he could get behind. “You’re right. Tomorrow we should write some of these things down.”
The methodical and logical side of Poe was showing. That in itself showed Finn that he was making progress. “That is a great idea.” He then paused. “Do you think that we can also talk about you going back to therapy and group? Because I do think that it’s helping.”
Poe seemed reluctant. He let out a heavy sigh before nodding. “I suppose so.” He tipped his head up to Finn. “You really think I’m getting better?”
“I really do,” answered Finn and he leaned forward and kissed Poe lightly on the nose. “You’re not going to be cured overnight, but you are making strides, trust me. I would tell you if you weren’t.”
Poe smiled as he leaned back against Finn. He rested his head on Finn’s shoulder before reaching down to grasp Finn’s hand. “Do you really think my mother wouldn’t be proud of me?”
Finn felt a jolt seem to pulse through him. He set his jaw before shaking his head. “I was out of line when I said that. Your mother would be more than proud of you, I’m sure. I never met her, but I wish I could’ve.”
“She would’ve loved you. I’m sure she would’ve been a little surprised that I found someone like you. I don’t think she knew that I was gay, but I think that she would just be happy I found someone who loves and accepts me,” Poe murmured as he let himself go almost limp against Finn.
Finn reached down and kissed Poe on the top of his head. “She would be incredibly proud of you, especially now when you’re getting help. Setbacks are inevitable sometimes.”
“Can we just promise not to let it get that bad again,” Poe requested with his eyes slightly wide as he gazed up at Finn.
Finn smiled as he nodded slowly. “I think that we can manage that. As long as we both come forth when we feel anger rising. Deal?”
“Deal,” yawned Poe.
Finn couldn’t help but smile. Maz had been right. It hadn’t been easy, but they had talked through it and they were now stronger for it. Finn now felt like they could face anything.
The End