Chapter Text
Getting situated on the Star Destroyer was… different. They had apparently been on that planet for close to 10 months, while the war and army around them continued on. According to the medic, Apollo, they had been declared KIA after 5 months, but Skywalker had never given up.
Kote wasn’t sure how he felt about Skywalker. The general seemed like a good guy, and he could tell Rex adored him. But… the things he had heard, the possessiveness from the stories. Sometimes he wondered why the Jettise didn’t get mind healers. From the sound of it, many if not all needed one.
It was hard to back down from the wild instincts, hard to not only eat what he needed. There were many times where he had left his tray only a fourth eaten. Rex would just give him a worried look, and move on. Obi-Wan had been doing the same, and Kote worried that he would lose even more weight. Sleep was also harder, unless he was on the hard floor surface.
So many members of the 212th were unfamiliar to him. They either hadn’t been in the stories, or ones Obi-Wan didn’t know as well. And he almost felt guilty of it. Forgetting a brother was a great insult, mixing them up was like a slap to the face. Yet, many would reach out to him, to say hi, welcome him back and he… just didn’t know their names.
Eventually the 212th, and by extension Kote and Obi-Wan, were deemed ready for duty again, boarded the Negotiator, and said goodbye to the 501st. He didn’t want to leave Rex now that he had just gotten him back. Kote had known a life outside of duty and he… he didn’t want to be thrust into the role as Commander. That wasn’t who he was, that wasn’t who he had become.
They forced him into armour that wasn’t his, forced into a role he didn’t want, surrounded by rules and strategies he couldn’t understand. Kote had spent years of his life training to be a soldier, trained to live, breathe, die for the Republic and yet- this was the first time he was seeing it. This was the first time he was getting it shoved into his face. And, not only that but, he had become someone else.
That planet was more home to him than this ship, even if Obi-Wan seemed more at ease here. Kote didn’t know the ins and outs. The ship was foreign to him, and he was unsure where to go, what to do, where he was needed and-
He wasn’t called by his name.
It was always Commander.
He wasn’t a commander. He wasn’t Cody. He was just Kote .
Kote who wanted to wake up beside Obi-Wan every day, who wanted to have his brothers around, safe and happy away from the horrid war he had heard so many stories about. He wanted to save the ones that had died, even if he couldn’t.
Slowly, he began to slip away into his mind, locked behind a cold, unfeeling, wall.
Obi-Wan and he had barely spoken since returning. The Jedi had been wrapped up in so much as a General, as a Jedi, as a friend. The few moments they got were whispered words and soft kisses traded in back rooms.
And by Force, did Kote miss him. Missed the way he would smile at Kote , missed the way he would brush Kote ’s hair out of his face. Hair that had been shaved down back to regulation once they joined back on board.
He hated it. Hated how everything around him wasn’t him, hated how the things around him gave him ghostly memories of someone else’s life. It all just built up, having no outlet, and bottling dangerously close to the top. Kote was thrilled to be with his vode again, but the lines between Kote and Cody were blurry. He worried he was faking it, that Kote was just an excuse to be someone different. Yet Cody didn’t feel right either, that was someone he wasn’t. He was a pretender for trying to be him, trying to be the Commander everyone relied on.
Kote was still a brilliant commander, but he was much too casual with Obi-Wan and the vode . He blurred the regs when he shouldn’t, let things slide more than Cody would have. Even had requested that none of them call him Commander. He was a strategist, sure, but not a commander.
Stress lines and bags under his eyes cropped back up on Obi-Wan, and it was a feeling Kote shared. Kote hadn’t slept much either. The stress, the fear, the pure terror he felt kept him awake at night, as he stared into the blue lines of hyperspace.
His first battle was a nightmare.
“Commander! We need reinforcements!”
“We’re pinned down!”
“The enemy is gaining!”
“Medic! Medic!”
“Watch out!”
“We’re losing men fast!”
It was a struggle to see his HUD, his tears streaming behind the helmet unseen, and hidden. He couldn’t show them how hard it hit, couldn’t show him how much the pure terror of the moment got to him. Kote checked to make sure his comms weren’t picking up the sound of his sniffling, of his pathetic tears in the face of battle, in the face of what they were born to do.
Obi-Wan eventually called off a retreat, supporting the back of the mass as the men rushed out. Far fewer men than they started with. All because of him, all because he froze the moment the vod next to him went down with a shot to the face. The unfeeling, white and gold buy’ce scattered across the ground, leaving a gruesome sight behind. A bomb landed way too close for comfort, nearly deafening him as he tried to fall back, tried to get back in it.
So. His fault for freezing.
He couldn’t take it. The moment they managed to pull back to their base, he threw his helmet aside, stripped off his armour and made a beeline for the supply closet. No one would look for him there. Kote crashed in, falling to the floor as the door shut with a click. His breathing crumpled, turning from short sharp breaths, to full on heaving gasps. The panic wouldn’t stop, the shaking. Nothing was right. He wasn’t meant for this, he couldn’t do this, and it would get people killed, and he just wished he had his memories back so he didn’t fail anyone. Why couldn’t he just know who he was? Cody or Kote ? Cody could handle this, Kote couldn’t, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t be either of them, and they both felt fake leaving only CC-2224 behind to pick up the pieces of two people who had failed, who had left and created this pile of osik .
It took him a moment to notice that his throat felt raw from him screaming, his jaw aching from clenching. His hands had tugged at his hair, leaving the follicles tender. Kote ’s vision was blurred from tears as he sucked in breaths, lungs burning for oxygen.
A thread of comfort, assurance, love filtered through the panic. It was a soothing presence, curling around him like hands cupping his face. The simple touch was enough to anchor him, pulling him back into the moment. One of the phantom hands slid up to his hair, brushing it softly until he leant against the wall. The other smoothed over his back, rubbing it reassuringly.
For a moment, he thought he had heard, “It’s alright, love, just breathe. Center yourself, I’ll be there in a moment.”
With a wheeze, all energy flooded out of his body, leaving him in a ball on the floor of the supply closet. The hands never left him, but remained as a steady constant while he managed to regulate his breathing. He felt drained, more than he had ever had. Nothing in the galaxy appealed to him more than letting the ground swallow him whole so he wouldn’t have to go out and face his failure.
The door slid open, letting someone enter. The phantom hands dissipated, replaced by real warm ones pulling him into thin, lean arms. The scent of tea, a familiar one tugging at the back of his mind, mixed with the standard issue soap of the GAR. Obi-Wan.
He eagerly pushed into the arms, desperate for some contact with the man. Obi-Wan’s fingers scraped lightly at his scalp, the other holding him against the Jetti ’s chest. Everything stilled as he shuddered out a breath, trying hard to melt into the soft robes under him. Kote ’s ears rang from the silence, only broken by his own soft inhales.
“Are you back with me?” Obi-Wan asked, stilling his movements in his hair to slide his hand down to cup Kote ’s face. His Jetti raised Kote ’s face up to meet his, pressing a soft kiss to his nose.
Kote leant his forehead against Obi-Wan’s, letting his eyes fall shut. It was nice to just sit for a moment and let Obi-Wan’s presence drift over him, calming him. His skin felt like it was still buzzing, but he ignored it, trying hard to focus on the body beneath him. It took a few breaths in and out before he calmed himself down.
“I want… I want my memories back. I’m tired of not knowing who I am, who I was.”
“I can help, if you want,” Obi-Wan murmured, pressing another kiss to the side of his face. “I can help you meditate, try to seek them out?”
Kote nodded, fully resting his weight on Obi-Wan, “Yeah, yeah. That would be… nice.”
“Alright. Will you be okay with the rest of this?”
He really won’t be. He knew that. But, there was nothing he could do. Kote needed to be strong through this, Kote needed to be the commander everyone was looking for him to be. Even if everything in him screamed that he wanted to be part of the men, he needed to be prepared for battle. His vode needed him .
He tried hard, pulling every bit of cold, hard, Commander he remembered from his small memories of Cody and slipped on the mask. Without a sound, Kote stood up, away from Obi-Wan, and held out a hand to help the Jetti up.
“Let’s go, sir. The men are waiting.”
It hurt, not talking like him, like he had no feelings about what he was about to do. Something sad shone in his Je tti’s eyes as he stood, gripping hard to Kote ’s hand. He looked spooked, hurt, and… something Kote couldn’t name.
He reached up, one last time, to trace at Kote ’s scar. “I’ll see you after this, Kote . Stay safe, love, please.”
“I will try, General.”
He couldn’t let himself feel the emotions he was holding back. He needed to be strong.
It was a long walk back to his room from the planet. They had won the day, but it had taken everything in him not to slip up, not to panic, to call upon every scrap of Cody that he could. It tired Kote out beyond the physical. He felt so weary in mind that he wanted to lay down and let the ground swallow him. He was ready to let autopilot take over his aching, bruised body and fade.
“Commander?”
The voice caught his attention, turning his head in the direction of the Junior Medic. This was one of the vode who had greeted him aboard the ship, a shiny last Cody knew. But their name…
“You’re Baby, right?”
Baby frowned, “Yes, unfortunately. Apollo warned me about your amnesia, but I’m surprised you remembered me at all. Are you alright, sir?”
It felt so viscerally wrong to be referred to as sir, that he physically flinched. Baby startled from their hesitant stance to move in close, already searching for injuries. Kote couldn’t do anything while they fretted over him, their tattoo scrunched up from their concerned expression.
“Please,” Kote said weakly, “don’t call me sir off the field.”
A look of understanding dawned on Baby as they pulled back nodding. “ Kote right?”
Kote nodded, trying to resituate himself back into a casual pose.
“ Kote you should get some rest. It was a long battle and I can see you favoring one leg over the other. Please, vod , for the rest of us, get some rest. You’re dead on your feet.”
He just nodded again, moving to head down the rest of the hall. Force, Kote really was tired, exhausted, drained right down to his last reserve of energy. He was already stripping off Cody’s armour, clutching the bracers in his hands as he stumbled into Cody’s room. It took little effort to just throw the plastoid pieces into the corner rather than situate it on the rack. There was paper work to attend to after all, Kote didn’t have time to worry about how neat his room was. Then, when he finished, maybe he could finally sleep for a full solid night.
The chest piece clattered to the ground before he kicked it off to the side with the rest. Without much bravado, he dropped down into his desk chair to get working, surrounded by datapads and more.
Kote lost himself in the grueling work, letting it wash over him even if he didn’t fully understand what it was saying. Some of the Battalions he didn’t recognize, the Jedi he couldn’t either. Time passed and eventually, he felt himself drift off. Distantly, Kote heard the door open but was far too drowsy to really pull himself to attention. The time on the planet had loosened him up, taken away some of his urgency. But the presence… felt nice. Friendly.
Hands touched him, pulling him gently out of the chair as they stripped him of his armour. It was then he managed to blink his eyes open enough to catch a glimpse of ginger hair and pale skin. That was safe , that was home . Desperately he clung onto the tunics, even as he was pushed down onto the bed. The body wearing them huffed and slid in next to Kote , pressing close. Kote turned, burrowing deep into it like he could disappear if he tried hard enough, and finally let the darkness drag him under.
When Kote woke, he wondered why he couldn’t hear the bubbling of the creek, or why the wind was so quiet. Or why the room felt… more closed off than it was, why it felt… stuffy. Then the humming of the ship came into focus, and dread settled low in his stomach. Right. The Cruiser.
“ Jate vaar'tur , dear one,” Obi-Wan said in greeting, seemingly knowing the second Kote was awake. The homely sound of the Mando’a only soothed him further, allowing him to go boneless against Obi-Wan again.
“ Jate vaar’tur, cyar’ika, ” Kote muttered back, burying his face back into the beige tunics. He was happy that he could feel how long his hair was growing already when Obi-Wan ran his hair through it, tugging lightly. It wasn’t enough to be down to his ears, or even halfway there, but at least his curls were showing better.
“You actually slept seven hours tonight. That’s more than you slept even on the planet.”
Kote yawned, moving his legs to tangle with Obi-Wan’s, “Yesterday was…”
“Difficult. I know. My first battle wasn’t easy, I haven’t. I haven’t been surrounded by this much death for a very long time.”
There was something bitter in his J etti ’s tone, something that spoke of a long remembered moment, battle, something that he’d rather not bring up. Kote could understand. This wasn’t simply something Obi-Wan didn’t want to tell him out of cowardice, this was something Obi-Wan didn’t want to be pushed about.
Obi-Wan sighed, “Are you feeling alright?”
Kote shrugged, “I’m alright. As I can be anyway. I think I… can see why Cody hardened up.”
“You weren’t acting like… you yesterday. I didn’t realize how different you two were until you acted like Cody.”
The silence that followed was heavy, full of understanding and realization. That was the whole point wasn’t it? That Kote wasn’t and would never be Cody. Their experiences had shaped who they were and now, now Kote had something Cody never got. Time alone with Obi-Wan where he could… let go.
“I still want to… I still want to try to see if we can bring back hi- my memories. I. I also would like to be able to love you openly, and I don’t mean in front of Jettise or commanding officers… but in front of the vode ? And- and no more secrets. I know we still haven’t talked about the Rako thing but. I… I want to know things,” Kote finally rambled out, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping. “I also… this is a two way relationship. Your needs value as much as mine, so anything I can do, please let me know.”
Obi-Wan blinked at him before his features softened, brushing a hand over Kote ’s scar. It was a soft, reverent touch, that sent shivers down his spine at the softness of it. “My dear, I just ask for the same in return. Honesty, trust, and care.”
Kote smiled, “I can do that.”
The next week passed with ease, after their… less than ideal performance, they had been… sidelined in a sense, pushed to the side until they were more functional as a Batallion. It allowed room for Kote to breathe, to exist outside of the realm of Marshall Commander. It was almost a relief, even if Kote avoided Cody’s armour at all costs. He quite enjoyed his blacks thank you very much, he was not going to wear someone else’s armour.
Kote ended up spending more time with Baby, knowing that the Junior Medic wouldn’t resort to Commander as easily as the others. He wasn’t sure how to handle the disappointment clear on Boil’s features, but Boil was still… unknown.
Obi-Wan had been once more swept up in his duties, only seeing Kote long enough to hold him close and fall asleep. There was nothing to be done about it, this was a war. They had their jobs, they had their responsibilities. Those came first, above all else, despite how much Kote hated it. But… It was nice to be able to pull Obi-Wan into his lap during down time, to kiss him good luck in front of the men. He had missed their casual affection.
Kote began to ease into his role, even if it was looser than how Cody had operated things.
“ Kote , dear?” Obi-Wan called, sliding into the room where Kote was playing Sebacc with a few troopers.
The game paused as everyone looked up, offering small salutes and a “General” in greeting. The vode had become more at ease with the General as they did with Kote and the more they say them together. If anything, they were now really starting to resemble the family Obi-Wan had described, close and trusting.
Kote gave him a smile, not hiding the way his expression softened, and his tone turned fond, “Yes, cyar’ika ?”
Despite the time that had passed, the easy affection still turned a few heads. He was sure there were some who weren’t used to it yet, but he wasn’t willing to hide it. It seemed pointless, after all. The vode were trusted, the vode knew better than anyone to let them have the small things that made them happy.
“May I steal you away for a bit?”
The answer would always be yes. Kote had plenty of time with his vode especially now that they had started seeing him as Kote rather than Commander. Yet, still. He wanted them to be okay with it first, before he ditched them.
When he looked up, he saw Boil nodding at him, with Baby sending him a reassuring smile, already dealing the next round of cards. The younger vod had been exceptionally good at the game, to which Kote suspected that this really wasn’t their first time playing, despite what they said.
The others either ignored him in favor of their cards, or gave him their own small reassurances. Satisfied, he rose up and met Obi-Wan at the door, threading their fingers together. Obi-Wan greeted him with a grin, already leading him out and down the hallway.
“I finally have some free time to help you with meditations. If you… still want to try to regain your memories that is?” Obi-Wan asked, looking uncharacteristically sheepish.
It… made sense in a way. Obi-Wan had been very insistent that he wasn’t required to be Cody, especially in the last few weeks. But still, the sentiment that Obi-Wan still wanted to check warmed his heart. Truthfully, Kote wasn’t sure he really wanted the memories for himself, but he was tired of not knowing things, of finding things out second hand. Maybe, just maybe having those memories would help sort the mess in his head.
“Yes,” he answered, smiling, “I’m still willing.”
Obi-Wan nodded before letting go of his hand, shifting to pull out two cushions. He set them up before dimming the lights and sitting down gracefully on one. The pose he took up was his usual meditative pose, so Kote attempted to copy him, but left his hands palms down on his knees.
“So for this to work,” Obi-Wan began, speaking with his eyes closed, “you need to let yourself go, let yourself relax. I’m going to be… uh well, shifting through your mind in a sense, you have to leave it open for me.”
Kote nodded before he realized Obi-Wan wouldn’t see him. Embarrassed, he closed his eyes, shifting back to let the tension out of his shoulders. He tried to focus on letting him be open, to relax and let his mind just empty. Focusing on his own breathing, he tried to match the rhythm Obi-Wan set with his own, keeping it nice, deep and even.
After a moment, he felt… something brush against his mind. The presence was warm, careful and gentle like a caress. It reminded him of the warm, humid nights on that jungle planet after a rain. Carefully, it filtered in, spreading out and filling every empty space. It gave him the sensation of floating, lifted far off the ground and beyond his body. His senses stretched out aware of the man in front of him, the troopers down the hall, the engines humming. It all was clear. Amusement and frustration spilled out of the Sabbac room, grief clear from somewhere else. There were men sleeping just down in the bunks.
Is this the Force? He thought to himself, so far out of his body. It was nice to let go and just simply exist.
He… well, not heard exactly, a fond chuckle, and a crisp voice answer, Yes, this is the Force. Now relax, I will see what I can find.
Soft fingerlike touches smoothed over him, brushing lightly against his thoughts. Distant, long forgotten laughter filtered through, a smile, gray and blue armour. A bald female Zebrak, a four armed monster, dark planets and-
Something dark . Werde his thoughts offered. Inky black darkness, rumbling like a beast. The second Obi-Wan brushed against it, a fierce, burning pain seared through. It dug its nails in, piercing sharp. It felt like he was being torn apart.
When he came back to himself, his throat was raw from screaming. He had somehow ended up on the ground, panting into the cold durasteel. Looking up, he was met with a shaking, terrified Obi-Wan, blue eyes small in his panic. Cautiously, the Jetti reached forward, brushing against Kote ’s curls.
“ Meg cuyir ibac ?” Kote croaked, wiping away the sweat on his forehead. “What the kriff was that ?”
Obi-Wan responded shakily, voice small even as he swallowed, “I don’t- I don’t know.”
Kote pulled himself up, shifting into Obi-Wan’s space, “There’s something in my head . I know it’s not supposed to be there.”
“I-”
“Get it the hell out.”
The second the chip was out, he went into shock. The procedure had gone down without him going under, he refused to.
Years of memories suddenly came flooding back, overwhelming his brain as he experienced them for the first time. Pain, love, care, despair all flooded in as Cody’s memories rushed in.
“ Kote! ” he heard along with the sound of distant alarms. Voices were yelling, calling for help as he collapsed to the ground, head pounding, feeling like it was going to burst-
Then something pricked him from behind, and he fell into unconsciousness.
Kote woke up in the medbay, a bandage on his head, and a monitor hooked up to him. The steady beep reminded him that he was alive, still living, still breathing, despite his head hurting, despite feeling like he had been trampled by a bantha.
There was a hand in his, limp and clammy, and a head on his arm. It was a struggle to sit up, to push Obi-Wan’s head off so he could strip off the monitor. A moment later Baby stepped into the room, freezing when they saw Kote in the doorway.
“You shouldn’t be getting out of bed, if Apollo sees that your monitor has stop-”
“KRIFF- nononononono!”
Baby sighed, calling out, “Apollo, he’s alive.”
The Medic walked in, frantic and eyes filled with tears, “ Kote ! You- you scared me, you can’t just detach yourself from the equipment-”
Kote barely held back a chuckle as he sung his legs over the edge of the bed, “C’mon Apollo, you know those crocodile tears won’t work on me. I’m fine, please don’t yell you’ll wake the General.”
Cursing, Apollo wiped away the fake tears, face turning harsh. But before he could speak, Baby stepped forward, resting a hand on Kote ’s knee.
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
Kote felt… lighter than he had in a while. Maybe not as much as he did on the planet, but it was very damn near close. For once he… he didn’t question who he was. It was like the world had been lifted off of his shoulders, glasses slipped over his eyes allowing him to see clearly. Not… everything was answered but he sure as hell knew who he was now. Kote still, yes, but… Cody. He still wasn’t the same Cody they all relied on, frankly, he wasn’t sure he liked who he used to be. But Kote had loosened him up, showed him a life away from the war. He was Kote and Cody.
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
He took in the worried expressions of the two medics, and the sleeping form of his general.
“I’m okay.”