Chapter Text
although beomgyu is always warm and cheerful, and yeonjun is always calm and level-headed, they're still human; capable of making mistakes, imperfect and flawed.
//
a month in and taehyun quickly learned that beomgyu and yeonjun's relationship wasn't all sunshine and rainbows like he thought it was (as of course, there are some things left in private). it wasn't the perfect sunset that he imagined, and he realizes that there are climate changes too.
sometimes, the sun becomes too unbearable. sometimes, the sea becomes too unruly.
there are times where the two fight each other; either because of beomgyu's nagging and yeonjun's stubbornness, or yeonjun's sensitivity and beomgyu's impulsiveness. there are times where the two doesn't agree on a thing from their competitive natures, and that's where taehyun had to come in.
it was one of the days where yeonjun overworked himself, and beomgyu wasn't pleased with it. he didn't like it at all. so accompanied by school stress, beomgyu lashed out. heated words thrown across their living room as his temper slowly increases.
"what the hell are you even thinking yeonjun!" the raven-haired boy yelled. "you know you can't handle too much activities!"
"i was fine-" yeonjun whines.
beomgyu cut his words, "you aren't fine! do you see yourself right now? you can barely breathe!"
"gyu why don't you calm dow-" taehyun steps in calmly, reaching for the older boy's clenched fist.
he jerked his hand away, "how the fuck can you tell me to calm down? he stayed up nights finishing a project, went to get coffee to get to class, then overworked his body to dance!" he fumes, pointing an accusing finger to yeonjun. "why are you so fucking stubborn!"
"i can handle myself, okay!" yeonjun shouts back; jaw tightening, breath heaving. "i don't need you nagging at me all the fucking time!"
"maybe i won't nag at you if you take care of yourself more!"
"i'm not a fucking kid, beomgyu!"
"well then start acting like an adult!"
"i'm not the one starting a petty fight here!"
"petty? it's not fucking petty if it involves your health!"
"for christ's sake, i'm not all sick and weak!"
"tell that to me when you can run a mile without feeling like dying!"
at this point, yeonjun was already breathing heavily and his eyes were glistening with tears.
"why can't you just trust me?" he said weakly, before storming off and locking himself in his room.
the silence that enveloped the living room was suffocating. yeonjun's last words gripped tightly on beomgyu's throat; he was panting as well, chest swelling with every breath he took. he slumped over the couch and put his head in his hands, gripping tightly on his black strands.
the sight hurt taehyun; it was his first time seeing them fight like this. as much as both parties had a valid reason to say, yelling at each other wouldn't really solve anything. his heart breaks when he hears yeonjun's broken whimpers and beomgyu's silent sobs echoing in their quiet apartment; both were clearly devastated from this repetitive fights.
"hyung-"
"can you check on jjuni? please?"
taehyun's heart breaks a little more at the request. no matter what happens between them, whether they're out to play or in the middle of a fight, beomgyu knows who to prioritize.
"but what about-"
"i'm fine. yeonjun first. please?"
taehyun only mutters a small 'okay' as he walks towards yeonjun's room. the oldest really was their priority when it comes to situations like this as yeonjun was sensitive, and having too much emotions at once could affect his heart's condition.
he knocked a couple of times before letting himself in, knowing that the older wouldn't really lock the door. taehyun sees yeonjun curled up on his bed, underneath his thick blankets and he looks so small. the younger moves to sit beside him and yeonjun immediately wraps his arms around taehyun's waist, head nuzzling on the side of his hips. taehyun could feel the tears staining his shirt and he brushes his fingers along yeonjun's blond hair.
"it's okay hyung. you're okay. breathe for me hyung, hm?" taehyun softly whispers. he feels yeonjun nodding slightly before he sits up.
wiping the older boy's tears with his fingers, taehyun leans forward to leave a peck on yeonjun's forehead. and he ushered him to follow his breathing. soon enough, yeonjun stopped crying and was breathing properly over taehyun's shoulder.
"that's it hyung." taehyun mumbles softly, "feeling better?"
yeonjun sniffled before nodding his head, pulling taehyun closer for a hug that the younger gladly returned.
"i wish he would stop nagging too much. i'm not all that careless." yeonjun mumbles.
"you're not all that careful too, you know." taehyun replies, "you really shouldn't have worked yourself like that, hyung. we both know how beomgyu gets when it's your health involved."
"i'm not a kid." yeonjun pouts.
"you're still our baby, hyungie." taehyun singsongs, pecking on the other's lips. "promise us you'll get more rest in between?"
"i promise." yeonjun easily says. and taehyun knows he means it.
it's one of the amazing things they've discovered in their relationship; the immense amount of trust and reliance with each other. their minds and hearts are connected in ways hard to explain, but it was always easy for them to find the answer.
in each other's arms, they find solace. taehyun comforts the sea when the storm becomes unbearable. and yeonjun is the one who catches the clouds' tears whenever it poured.
"thank you." yeonjun whispers, hugging taehyun tighter.
"anytime." taehyun replies, returning the gesture. "i'll go check on gyu-hyung now."
"please do."
taehyun's heart ached at the older boy's weak plead. his boyfriends love each other so much that it breaks and mends him in the most enchanting way. and he once again realizes how lucky he is for being loved by the two loveliest boys in the world.
walking into the living room, he notices beomgyu wasn't there anymore. and instead, he finds him on the open balcony, gazing out into the night sky. taehyun back-hugs beomgyu and the older, who was partly tense, instantly relaxes in his hold. sighing, beomgyu places his own hands above taehyun's as the wind brushes through their hair. the stars twinkled above their heads and they breathe in the fine dust-infected city air.
"i'm sorry." beomgyu exhales after a few moments of silence. taehyun hums questioningly. "i shouldn't have lashed out like that. i shouldn't have yelled at you both. i- i was tired a-and stressed and worried- it's not an excuse i know but-"
taehyun places a finger on beomgyu's lips to stop him from his rambling. "it's okay, gyu. i understand."
beomgyu relishes in his boyfriend's warm embrace against the coldness of the night; his nerves eased up as a silent promise that everything will be alright hangs over their hearts. taehyun always had that effect on beomgyu eversince their childhood; a blanket of security.
"you still wear the bracelet . . ." beomgyu notices as his hand fidgets on taehyun's hoodie sleeves, pulling it to fully reveal the accessory.
taehyun raises his left hand to their eye-level, a black-and-white stringed bracelet placed on the wrist. a parting gift from beomgyu during his last year in high school.
"yeah. it means a lot to me." taehyun said, voice light despite the heavy topic. they still clearly remember the reason why such a gift was given.
beomgyu brushes his thumb along it, before he traces the faint scars on the younger boy's wrist. taehyun tended to hurt himself, to cut his skin whenever he's numb in order to feel something again. back then, he didn't want to burden beomgyu so he hid it, cutting his wrist at nights he couldn't sleep. but one night when the clouds were heavy and rain was heavily pouring out, as he admires the slow slick of blood lining on his arm, beomgyu came over unannounced, like he had sensed the ever growing storm in taehyun's chest.
taehyun deserves the world. but he was too clouded to even see it.
it was back in high school when he first saw the fresh wounds, accompanied by taehyun's blank gaze, and his mind went into panic. he pulled on the first aid kit in the younger boy's room and treated the wound with the utmost care (as he learned from all his experience as a volunteer). taehyun stared at him as he covered it up with a band-aid, his eyes foggy and in a daze before he breaks out crying. beomgyu caught him in his arms, rubbing soothing circles down his back and carding his fingers on taehyun's brown locks. he was so vulnerable that night; all the frustrations and thoughts swallowing him up.
beomgyu hated that sight. he couldn't blame taehyun from having such thoughts, assuring that his feelings were valid, and promising that he always have his hyung every step of the way. the younger cried himself to sleep that night, but beomgyu knows that taehyun's heart was lighter.
and that's when beomgyu decided to protect taehyun, as much as taehyun protects him.
"it's like a shield for your wrist." beomgyu had told taehyun before he leaves for university, tying the bracelet around the latter's scarred wrist. "i can't tell you to suddenly stop. the temptation don't work that way. but with this, i hope you'll be reminded that i'm still here with you, that i care. and that even if the whole world is against you, you're not facing them alone.
"you have me, taehyunnie."
little did beomgyu know that taehyun had been clean since the night beomgyu found out.
beomgyu held taehyun's hand, pulling it to his lips and places a soft kiss on the younger boy's wrist. he turned around, admiring taehyun's sharp features under the moonlight.
"i still never understood why you referred to yourself as a background character, when i liked you first." beomgyu whispers.
"hyung . . ." taehyun breathes.
"if i'm the sun, then you're the clouds." the older continues. "you might once thought that the day is better without you, but not to me. for me, the clouds make the sky more beautiful. you make everything beautiful, taehyunnie."
whenever the sun was having a bad day, the clouds cover it up like a barrier. beomgyu is a bright kid, and this impression on him made him repress his emotions, afraid that his friends and the people around him would be affected. he may be the sun, but sometimes, the more bright the light is, the darker its shadow becomes.
but taehyun accepted him wholeheartedly. he had seen his strengths and weaknesses and everything in between. taehyun had seen beomgyu in his lowest, and he stayed. taehyun had seen beomgyu in his highest peak, and he was with him even then.
taehyun painted beomgyu's sky with feather-like streaks of pinks and purples. and he's forever grateful that he fell in love with him all those days in high school.
beomgyu pulled taehyun by the waist and tenderly cupped his cheek for a sweet kiss. it only lasted for a couple of seconds before the older pulled away, leaning their foreheads together as they breathe each other in.
"i love you." beomgyu said, and taehyun's heart swelled with joy.
"i love you." taehyun replies, and beomgyu felt blissful all over.
"i'll go check on jjuni now, hm?" the older boy says and taehyun nods. moving away, beomgyu looked back and teased, "you still taste as sweet as you were back then."
laughing, beomgyu leaves a red-faced taehyun to attend to his older boyfriend.
heart racing in his chest, the door lightly creaked as he pushed it open, revealing a completely dark room. beomgyu blindly walked to the bed, already memorized the older boy's room from the countless of times he slept in it.
he crawled over the mattress towards the curled-up boy, settling in behind him as he snakes his arm around yeonjun's waist. beomgyu faintly hears the relieved sigh that escaped from the older boy's lips and he nuzzles against his nape.
as beomgyu breathes yeonjun's musky scent, his eyes teared up. yeonjun was someone unexpected in his life; when he saw him that day in the hospital, it was like love at first sight (even if he has feelings for taehyun). yeonjun was so lovely; his features were etched on his face in the most beautiful way. and beomgyu was gone instantly, heart being torn between his best friend and the stranger.
by then, he wondered why someone like him was even in that kind of place - a hospital specialized with treatment of the heart. and then he found out through ryujin that yeonjun has cardiomyopathy; a condition wherein the heart's muscle is weak, causing for the pumping of blood to be slow. at that time, something in beomgyu urges him to take care of the boy himself.
so that's what he did. beomgyu tried befriending yeonjun, and although the latter was skeptical, he still accepted. that was enough for beomgyu, for a little while.
beomgyu understands why yeonjun kept a distance; his condition could worsen if he attached himself to too many people, soobin had said, his emotions could get all over the place and his heart could suffer. so he let the older have his own pace. it was a long process but he was patient enough to wait. and as he got to know yeonjun more - his little habits, the thoughts running through his brain, everything - it made beomgyu realize just how precious yeonjun is.
he didn't want to regret not confessing like what he'd done with taehyun, so he slowly let his feelings known to the older. yeonjun was opening up to him by then, and their friendship had reached great lengths, but beomgyu wasn't really contented with just that. he wants to be able to take care and protect yeonjun freely, he wants to hang-out with yeonjun without thinking of excuses why. he wants to hold yeonjun close, without a care in the world or what their future might be.
beomgyu knows yeonjun was worth the risk, so he took it, even if he was unsure of what the older felt.
but that one afternoon, under the golden glow of the sun and along the twinkling of the sea, yeonjun was the one who confessed to him. against all odds.
beomgyu was so happy that he kissed yeonjun right there and then, promising to himself that he wouldn't cause harm to the older.
when he started dating yeonjun, beomgyu thought he was over taehyun; they still talked, they were still close despite being miles apart. but when he saw both his boyfriend and best friend at that eventful summer, his heart had loudly pounded against his chest and he knew he was fucked up.
he still liked taehyun, and he likes yeonjun. beomgyu didn't know what to do.
it seemed like fate had tied their strings together. he noticed taehyun's feelings because of hueningkai. and yeonjun admitted his conflict. leading him to one of his most impulsive decision that he didn't regret one bit.
yeonjun had that effect on him. yeonjun made beomgyu even more courageous. beomgyu learned to take risks; when he made his move on reserved yeonjun, when he realized his unfading feelings for taehyun.
and now, with both of the boys he love, beomgyu knows he could do anything. with the sea as his sanctuary, and the clouds as his company, the sun will always rise up to its highest peak.
beomgyu didn't realize he was already crying until yeonjun turned around and cupped his cheeks tenderly, wiping the tears away.
"hyung . . ." beomgyu pants.
yeonjun shushed him, leaving a peck on the raven-haired boy's forehead.
"i'm so sorry hyung." beomgyu sobs, "i'm just s-scared . . . i don't want to lose you hyung, not if i can d-do something about it."
"i know baby. i know." yeonjun coos, his own tears on the verge of falling, "you're not going to lose me beomie, hm? i'm sorry too. i'll do better next time."
with that promise, yeonjun kissed beomgyu's lips with all the love he has. and the dark clouds had soon disappeared.
when taehyun walked in a few minutes after their reconciliation, he was happy to see his two boyfriends tangled with each other. he crawled towards them, and wrapped his own arms around beomgyu. letting himself drift to sleep.
since then, no matter what fight they had, they always make sure to fix it before the day ends, that they shouldn't go to sleep mad at each other.
both yeonjun and beomgyu might be prideful at times, but they know when to put their walls down for the other to enter.
and as taehyun had come to that realization, he knows their dark days are very much numbered.
as long as the sun shined brightly,
as long as the sea runs freely,
as long as the clouds live peacefully.
//
taehyun was snapped out of his long daydreaming and when his vision focuses, the first thing he sees is the confused faces of his two boyfriends.
"tyun, you've been staring at the painting for like ten minutes. are you okay?" beomgyu asks worriedly.
"ah really? i didn't realize . . ." taehyun says shyly, a sheepish grin on his face as he scratches the back of his head.
"did the painting remind you of something?" yeonjun questions, and taehyun once again looked at the painting in front of him.
it was an artwork of a storm; the sun was nowhere to be found, the sea was in a mess, and the clouds were in a whirl.
"nothing, i just . . ." the redhead starts, "remembered those days we fought. it's like dark days; locked up inside a storm, not knowing when it'll stop raining."
beomgyu and yeonjun smiled knowingly, looking back at the painting as they reminisce on the times they've fought over the most stupid things.
"those days are over." the raven-haired said.
yeonjun affirms, "no way we're fighting over cream pasta or tomato pasta again."
"yup. as long as it's cream pasta, it's fine by me." beomgyu says, and the three of them laughed, proceeding to the next paintings in the art convention.
the dark days isn't far from over. in fact, it was only the beginning.
~
"are we all set?" yeonjun asks as he buckles up his seatbelt, starting up the engine of the old-modeled car he borrowed from a cousin.
"yes sir!" beomgyu singsongs in the shotgun seat, already buckled up.
"aye aye!" taehyun echoes, sitting in the middle of the backseat.
yeonjun drove away from the art convention building and into the streets of seoul. the three are already planning a celebration for their one-year anniversary in the next month, laughing at their crazy suggestions of bungee jumps or shark dives, or marveling at the idea of travelling to the alps or guam or cebu. in the end, it didn't really matter as they promised they would be together nonetheless of staying in the country or visiting another.
"ah i need to pass the research next week! fuck my life." yeonjun groans, suddenly remembering the requirement in the middle of their talks for their careers after college.
"it must suck being a senior." beomgyu teases.
"baby, you'll be a senior next year too." yeonjun teases back.
"you two stress me out." taehyun snorts.
beomgyu snickers, "i think we actually inspire you, mr. top-of-the-class."
"if you say so mr. prodigy."
"mr. ace is right!"
"i can't believe i'm in love with you two."
"we love you too!"
a few beats of silence came over them as they listen to the song on the radio, until taehyun pipes up.
"ah i know!" he squeals.
beomgyu flinched at the suddenness of the voice, dropping his phone underneath his seat. "geez baby, don't scare me like that."
"you act like you're the one with the heart condition." taehyun mocks and yeonjun laughs with him. "those dreams we've talked about, what if we move somewhere bigger and start saving early on?"
"that's actually a good idea." beomgyu says, unbuckling his seatbelt to reach for his phone below.
"babe, please don't remove the belt."
"i'm fine!"
"beomgyu." yeonjun scolds, eyes darting between his raven-haired boyfriend and the road.
"oh! and can we eat at that burger place today? i'm hungry and its past two already."
"well, we could-"
it happened too fast.
their car crossed the intersection almost at the last minute before the lights turn red, and a stray gray cat suddenly crossed the road in front of them.
surprised, yeonjun was quick to step on the brakes, sending their bodies forward and for the airbags to activate weakly. it was an old car, and the bags barely saved their heads.
then another jerking motion when the car behind theirs crashed on them, causing for the bumpers to collide at the sudden halt.
but that wasn't the end of it.
a truck, pulled by gravity from the sloping hill on the right as the driver desperately stomps on the broken brakes, speeding down the street and yelling for them to go away.
loud honks drown out the warnings.
frozen, beomgyu looked through damp eyelashes as the truck hit them right on and everything blacked out.
dazed from the continuous impacts, yeonjun opened his eyes, only for his vision to blur. there's a ringing in his ears from the crashes and honks from the other cars. his head was aching from the series of bumping onto the steering wheel and window, and he feels a warm liquid flowing from the side of his head.
"are you guys okay?" he rasps, forcefully turning to look at beomgyu and taehyun.
taehyun stirs, body rigid and head dizzy as he sits up properly after almost being tossed around the back seat. he moves to unbuckle the seatbelt, eyes still adjusting from the blurriness of the events.
"i'm okay, hyung. are you?" the youngest replies.
"yeah i am." yeonjun answers, blinking rapidly. "how 'bout you gyu?"
beomgyu didn't answer. yeonjun's vision went back to normal, and taehyun freed himself and peeks in the middle.
they froze.
beomgyu sat motionless on the shotgun seat, bent over with his head on the dashboard. the truck's nose is pressed against his side of the car, denting and crumpling the vehicle under its weight. glass were scattered everywhere, and smoke was coming out of its hood. outside, the truck's driver was motionless too.
"beomgyu?"
yeonjun poked beomgyu on his side, one where he knows the younger would immediately flinch, but there was no movement. their hearts started rapidly beating in their chests and dread forms in the pit of their stomachs.
"hyung?"
yeonjun frantically removes his seatbelt and pulled on beomgyu's shoulder. the boy's body followed limply, leaning back on the seat.
the sight made taehyun and yeonjun choke on their tongues.
beomgyu had his eyes closed, right leg stuck between the seat and door. the dashboard and deflated airbag had splotches of blood from where the head laid, and the same crimson liquid is flowing continuously from beomgyu's head. his black strands damp with sweat and blood, flowing from his hairline to his cheeks to his jaw, until it stains the fabric of his white shirt and red jacket.
"b-beomgyu-" yeonjun's lip quivered, his hand found its way to beomgyu's cheek, hitting lightly. "baby wake up-"
"hyung, don't joke around like this." taehyun mutters, his voice high-pitched as he shifts to kneel in the middle space, grabbing beomgyu's arm to shake him awake.
but beomgyu wasn't replying, nor making a single movement. and tears started to flow from the two boys' eyes.
"wake up!" they screamed.
yeonjun's bloody fingers found its way on beomgyu's pulse point on his neck, and taehyun's went on his wrist. relief briefly came over them after feeling a slight heartbeat; it was faint, slow and almost fading, but at least it's still there.
"t-tae, let's get beomgyu out of here." yeonjun said shakily. he was trying his best to hold himself together despite his heart starting to ache.
taehyun nods but it was evident that he was also trembling. nonetheless, they moved quickly. the redhead reached out to drop the backrest as yeonjun guided the limp body forward. then taehyun carefully pulled beomgyu's leg out from where it's stuck in as yeonjun slowly pulled the body towards him. the older stepped out of the car holding beomgyu's upper body and taehyun follows holding the lower half.
they laid beomgyu down on the cold concrete, and found themselves in the middle of the intersection. cars honking and people gossiping around them. they ignored their surroundings in favor of paying attention to their wounded boyfriend.
"tae- jun . . ."
taehyun and yeonjun quickly looked down at beomgyu between them, and they each held a hand.
"gyu, y-you'll be okay, hm?" yeonjun says in between shaky breaths, running his free hand along beomgyu's blooded hair.
"help is coming, h-hyung. just hang it there." taehyun assures, free hand rubbing circles on beomgyu's blooded cheek.
with his fading strength, beomgyu lightly shakes his head.
"i- i don't think i-i'd last long-er . . ."
blood was coughed out of his mouth.
"ssh. save your strength love."
the raven-haired boy smiles weakly, willfully keeping himself awake as he reach his boyfriends' cheeks with his bloody hands. taehyun and yeonjun teared up at the sight of once bright beomgyu, now with his light fading in their very eyes.
they felt the cold hands touch their faces, the warmth in them slowly dissipating.
beomgyu scanned his lovers' features with every ounce of strength he had left, and with a final breath;
"i love you . . .
i'm sorry."
tears drop from his eyes as he closed them and his arms went limp, dropping onto the two boys' laps. the warmth disappeared from his body, and the light had completely burnt out.
beomgyu was gone.
taehyun and yeonjun had their eyes wide open as they stare at beomgyu's lifeless face, blood pooling under his head.
no . . .
their chests constrict, their hearts raged.
their lips quivered, their breaths choked.
and the dam broke.
"beomgyu?" yeonjun peeps, tugging on the arm on his lap. he continues pulling, "beomgyu!"
taehyun breaks down crying as he clutched on the other arm tightly, open-mouthed sobs leaving his lips as he bended over in half.
"hyung!"
"no, no no!" the blond boy said, shaking the body. "you can't leave us like this!"
yeonjun's body shook violently as he clutched on beomgyu's red jacket, resting his head on the dead boy's shoulder.
"choi beomgyu!"
yeonjun's heart painfully ached in his swelling chest; his breathing quickened, heart squeezing tight as it pumps faster. it was like his heart was shrinking, barely having any space to move, and it was so so painful. he was hyperventilating, palpitating. gasping loud broken sobs over the heartbreak.
pushing himself up to look at his first love, his eyes are blurry as fat tears roll on his cheeks. his lips are parted. and he feels like he couldn't breathe.
it was just too much.
his vision spun, and he suddenly feels light-headed.
and then he blacked out.
"hyung!"
taehyun moves just in time to catch yeonjun in his arms, surprised and scared all at the same time.
no . . .
he couldn't handle it if he loses yeonjun too.
"help!" taehyun cries out, cradling a fainted yeonjun in his arms as he held on beomgyu's cold hand tightly.
he was panicking, his mind running a mile per minute. tears were still flowing uncontrollably, sweat was dripping down his face.
when the rescuers came and ushered him to the ambulance, taehyun was left on auto-pilot. his mind couldn't process anything while he sat there, dazed as the nurses attach stuff on yeonjun's body. he couldn't move; he feels liquid still flowing from his eyes, he feels the nurse treating some of his wounds he didn't realize he had.
he feels his breathing still ragged.
he feels his heart breaking, the jagged pieces piercing through his chest.
that day was the start of taehyun's slow and painful death.
~
"taehyun!"
the said boy didn't even look up at the voice of his friend, but he feels himself being pulled up and wrapped in a tight embrace.
taehyun started crying again.
sobs racked through his body and he leans against kai's shoulder, tears staining the fabric there. taehyun grips on tightly at his friend's hoodie, looking for some sort of leverage as his knees start to weaken.
soobin wrapped an arm around his waist to keep him steady, rubbing comforting circles on his back. and taehyun continues on crying, sobs echoing down the hall but he couldn't care less.
it hurts.
it hurts a lot.
"b-b-beomgyu's g-gone-" he choked.
kai and soobin didn't know what to say, surprised at the news the moment taehyun had called them. they only tightened their hold on the smaller boy, hoping they could somehow bring some comfort.
"and y-yeonjun-hyung is-"
"ssh. he'll be fine, taehyunnie. okay? yeonjun-hyung is strong." soobin tries to reassure.
taehyun shook his head, knowing that soobin was only attempting to be positive. they both know that when yeonjun wakes up and remembers the incident, another attack will be inevitable. and yeonjun's heart wouldn't handle a second time.
and it scares taehyun. it scares him to death.
"i don't want to lose hyung too . . ." he cries, "i can't-"
~
yeonjun wakes up to white walls and bright ceiling. squinting, his eyes slowly adjust to the brightness. he briefly wonders where he is, until he picked up the faintest scent of disinfectant and his mind immediately supplies the answer.
he frowns. he always hated the hospital due to its depressing ambiance.
turning his head, yeonjun's feline eyes landed on a mop of red hair beside his bed. he reached out trembling fingers to brush through it.
the boy stirs awake and looked up and yeonjun swears he heard his heart break a little more at his boyfriend's crestfallen face.
"taehyunnie . . ."
"hyung," taehyun croaks, voice shaky. he stood up and embraced yeonjun tightly, softly sobbing on his shoulder. "i- i was so s-scared hyung . . ."
another ache.
yeonjun hugs him back, tears starting to flow again. he couldn't imagine what the younger had gone through - the death and his attack - but the puffy and red-rimmed eyes had already gave it away. and he felt utterly sorry for letting that happen.
"how long was i out?" the older took the courage to ask.
"a day."
the accident suddenly flashed back in his mind in motion stills.
the image of beomgyu's limp body in the shotgun seat. when he was reaching out to touch them until his last moment. the last words that left his lips.
all those blood,
and the life seeping out of the boy they love.
it was still too vivid in their heads.
"b-beomgyu?" he tries. desperately wishing that it was just a nightmare. that by some miracle, the rescuers were able to save him.
but when taehyun shakes his head, hugging him tighter, yeonjun started trembling too.
beomgyu didn't lose him. it was yeonjun (and taehyun) who lost beomgyu.
in that plain white room, the two boys who lost the sun are now blindly searching for a way out of the storm.
~
the next days are hell for both yeonjun and taehyun. after fighting with his doctor the day yeonjun woke up, he managed to convince him to let him go out for a day or two. taehyun wanted to protest as yeonjun hasn't fully recovered yet but he can't blame him either. for if he was in the older boy's place, he would've done the same. especially since it's the last chance to see beomgyu.
he just needed to protect yeonjun, in any way he can.
that same day, taehyun's father picked them up and brought them to daegu - where beomgyu's body would be buried. the two had argued that they want to immediately go to the funeral parlour, but taehyun's father grounded them with a stern "you two need to rest." and begrudgingly so, they obeyed.
but the thoughts never left their minds as they lay on taehyun's bed, holding each other close with dried tear stains on their cheeks.
"taehyunnie?" yeonjun whispers.
"hm? are you okay hyung? do you need something?" taehyun answers quickly, shifting from where he lay underneath the older.
"i'm sorry."
taehyun's forehead creased, "what for?"
yeonjun gripped his waist tighter, raising his head from where it lay over taehyun's chest, "it's my fault . . . i- i should've been more carefu-"
"no hyung." taehyun cut him off, voice firm. "it was an accident-"
"but i was driving. if i wasn't too careless then we would've- he would've-" the blond sobs. "we lost g-gyu b-because of me-"
taehyun's heart aches knowing that yeonjun was blaming himself for something out of his control. yeonjun was shaking on top of him, eyes swollen and lips parted. and he notices the quick rising and falling of his shoulders and taehyun acts fast.
"hyung. hey baby look at me." the redhead cups both of yeonjun's cheeks, softly caressing the tears away as he helps him stop hyperventilating. "it's not your fault okay? we didn't know that would happen. gyu-hyung wouldn't want you blaming yourself."
"gyu would've wanted to live but i ki-"
"no, hyung. you didn't kill gyu. the truck killed him. please. stop torturing yourself like this." taehyun murmurs, pulling yeonjun in a hug. "you didn't do anything wrong.
"please stop blaming yourself."
yeonjun quietly cried on taehyun's shoulder, nodding his head. mumbling a soft "i'm sorry" which taehyun dismisses with a head shake, kissing the top of yeonjun's head.
"i love you." taehyun whispers.
"i love you." yeonjun returns, taehyun's soft hums lulling him to sleep.
"you're all i've got."
the next morning, they woke up almost at the same time in the hellish hours where the sky wasn't bright yet. and immediately got ready. they seem to be enthusiastic albeit their destination, but really, they just want to spend every last second they can with their first love.
but even if they readied themselves, physically and emotionally, no amount of preparation could suffice facing this reality.
the moment they stepped out of taehyun's father's car in front of the funeral parlour, their legs already started to shake. and with every trembling step towards the room, their feet grew heavier, their heart sank deeper, their breath went thicker.
they were never prepared to lose beomgyu.
when the two-door opened and revealed the coffin, with a bright and full of life beomgyu smiling in the photo frame on top of it, yeonjun and taehyun froze. their entangled hands held each other impossibly tighter, a reminder that they still have each other through all of this. the room only has a few people, which they've known as some of their boyfriend's relatives they've met when beomgyu brought them to a family event. the air was definitely depressing, and the pitiful glances sent their way didn't really help.
dragging their feet forward, they slowly made their way to the white casket, decorated with bouquets and pots of chrysanthemums, tulips, baby's breaths, and lavenders. the whole altar also has wreaths having the same flowers surrounding it, with names of different people offering their condolences; one from the school beomgyu and taehyun graduated from, one from beomgyu's old circle of friends, some more from the organizations he volunteered at, and more to mention.
beomgyu was truly the sunshine for a lot of people. and taehyun and yeonjun could barely grasp just how big the impact of his death was.
until they stood there, right beside the body encased in glass.
it was unfair how beomgyu still looked beautiful in that white suit and pale skin, like an angel. and the two started crying again as their angel went back home way too early.
they dropped the bouquet of roses they had brought for their late lover; not wanting to bring the flowers that symbolized death. both of them still couldn't believe it, still in denial of the painful reality harshly slapped in their faces. they badly want to wake up from this nightmare, but the pain in their chests and the warm tears in their eyes made it clear that this is very real.
yeonjun dropped on his knees, legs weakening. he sobs on the floor, one of his hands clawing on his chest at the immense ache there. while taehyun crossed his arms over the glass, crying on top of beomgyu. his whole body was shaking; it was even a miracle he was still standing at this point.
it was beomgyu's mother who managed to make them stop, pulling them and making them sit on the front pew. they quietly cried that time on her shoulder, each gripping her warm hand as a leverage.
they stayed there for the whole day. and found that a lot of people came; from their old high school, from their neighborhood, a lot more from their university who travelled all the way here and skipped school just to see their late schoolmate. soobin and kai also arrived together, red-rimmed eyes and grim expressions as they hugged their friends.
that night, as taehyun and yeonjun cuddled each other to sleep, they realized that they'll never get used to the missing piece in their bed. it's not as warm and it's not as complete when it was only the two of them.
yes, they love each other. both of them are each other's halves. but beomgyu is another half too.
they are a packaged deal, a complete equation, a perfect combination. the three of them are meant to be together no matter what, like a tripod that supports each other.
but when one leg is removed, it's only a matter of time until the whole thing tilts and falls.
if they managed to pull it together that day, the burial was certainly the breaking point. yeonjun cried on soobin's shoulder, and taehyun cried on kai's as the coffin is slowly put under ground. they remained under the gray gathering of clouds until the casket couldn't be seen anymore.
the sun had permanently set, and never to rise again.
how would they get rid of the dark clouds now?
taehyun and yeonjun couldn't stop crying even as everyone already left (with beomgyu's parents giving them a comforting hug and a promise that they'll be there for the two of them). they were kneeling on the ground, knees had given up as they let their friends hold them together.
𝖈𝖍𝖔𝖎 𝖇𝖊𝖔𝖒𝖌𝖞𝖚
the name on the grave seemed to be mocking them with its bold letters, reminding them of who they lost. but as if the universe is playing with them, a stray gray cat sat in front of it, looking like it's reading the script and yeonjun loses it.
"get the fuck away!" he yelled, pouncing on the cat who scrambled a few meters away. soobin was quick to hold him back.
"jjuni-hyung-" taehyun said, surprised.
fighting soobin's grasp, "this is all your fucking fault!" yeonjun accused the cat, who sat back and stared at him. "if you didn't c-cross the road, he would've been a-alive!"
"yeonjun, calm down-" soobin said.
yeonjun started trembling violently, breathing heavily as if he had been holding everything in, like a bomb about to explode. "if y-you didn't- i- i wouldn't- t-the truck wouldn't-"
taehyun quickly grabbed his boyfriend's face and gently rubbed on his cheeks, urging him to calm down and follow his breathing.
but yeonjun's heart was starting to fail.
"it was an accident hyung. i- i told you it's not your fault." taehyun whispers.
the blond oldest looks his boyfriend, who has his eyes wide and wet with tears. and his heart aches even more.
"i-it's all m-my fault."
yeonjun's heart was crumpling in his chest, and he started gasping for air, body stiffening.
"hyung! come on, follow my breathing." taehyun pleads. kai was already calling for an ambulance as soobin rubs his palm on yeonjun's back.
"t-tae-"
"yeonjun!"
~
pacing back and forth in front of the emergency room door, taehyun grew restless, thoughts flooding his mind unhelpfully. his heart was erratic in his chest, growing heavier with dread. kai and soobin were sitting on the benches in front of him, worried and praying.
please be okay . . .
he clenched and unclenched his hands continuously, rubs it on the side of his arms as an attempt to stop it from shaking. he knows he has to be strong for yeonjun, but honestly, this is just tearing him apart even more.
if he loses yeonjun too, taehyun wouldn't know how to face another day.
overwhelmed by his emotions, taehyun took the courage to look through the small window.
he instantly regretted it.
he ran through the doors but before he could get closer, kai and soobin were already holding him back.
"let go of me!" taehyun cried, fighting off the grips of the two taller.
the doctors and nurses were frantic about beside yeonjun's bed.
"charge it to 160 joules." the doctor ordered, holding the defibrillator on top of yeonjun's chest.
"clear!"
"yeonjun-hyung!"
no response.
"180 joules!"
"clear!"
"no! please, no!"
no movement.
"200 joules!"
"clear!"
"save him please!"
he can't . . .
"240 joules!"
"clear!"
"please . . . don't leave me too . . ."
no heartbeat.
the long beep of the heart monitor echoed inside the room, and it rang in his ears, deafening him from what the doctor said. the nurses hung their heads low and made their way out of the room, giving him some privacy. the doctor even offered a comforting pat on the shoulder before leaving, but it didn't help one bit.
tensed, taehyun slowly walked towards the bed, his two friends letting him go as they cry behind him.
in front of him, yeonjun laid - not moving, not waking, not breathing.
"jjuni-hyung?" taehyun peeps, reaching to touch his boyfriend's face.
it's cold.
his vision got blurry.
"h-hyung . . . please wake up." he says, gently tapping yeonjun's cheek.
yeonjun didn't.
taehyun's lips quivered, his heart ached.
"hyung!"
taehyun started shaking the blond boy's shoulders, muttering pleads in between sobs. kai pulled him away from yeonjun's body and hugged him tight.
and then he breaks.
"yeonjun-hyung!"
he yells on top of his lungs, sobbing on kai's chest. tears were uncontrollably falling down his face, and he falls to the floor.
yeonjun was gone.
taehyun failed to protect him.
time of death, 03:13 pm.
~
who would even want to attend two funerals in a row? taehyun surely doesn't.
especially when it was his boyfriends'.
when yeonjun's parents arrived after arranging the funeral, taehyun was quick to come over to them and apologize, blaming himself for not taking care of their son. but being so kind-hearted like yeonjun, they comforted him and said it wasn't his fault. they know just how close the three boyfriends were so they totally understand. taehyun cried on yeonjun's mother's shoulder that time, whispering "i'm sorry" that she easily dismisses.
they were at the same parlour as beomgyu's; the altar decorated with the same flowers and yeonjun in the same white casket.
taehyun can't say that it hurts the same way though, it actually hurts a lot more.
as he looks down onto yeonjun's sleeping face, he finds the older looking a lot more peaceful than he was from the past couple of days. right there, in a white suit and pale skin, he looks like an angel. another angel that went home too early.
he feels the tears prickle his eyes, the tightening of his chest, the ache in his heart.
and for the umpteenth time that week, he cried. slumping on the floor in front of yeonjun's coffin. his broken sobs echo in the quiet room, causing for the other visitors to burst into tears.
"i'm so sorry hyung."
the day of yeonjun's burial came, and taehyun couldn't really react to anything anymore. he was tired - tired of destiny that seemed to have played with his life in its cruel hands.
he remained sitting there as the rest of the people left; relatives, schoolmates, friends that were all in shock, all thinking that yeonjun followed beomgyu and left taehyun all so easily. although he ignored those rumors, knowing that his older boyfriend wouldn't do such a thing, he can't help but feel a little bitter that those were the first thoughts of the people yeonjun considered as friends.
soobin and kai were waiting for him a few meters away, giving him space to wallow in his grief as he sits in between beomgyu and yeonjun's graves. (yeonjun's parents decided to bury their son beside his first love, knowing it's something yeonjun would've asked for too if given the chance.)
taehyun didn't say anything, just fidgeting with the grass as he stares at the bold letters on the headstones.
"you two are so unfair . . ." he sniffles. "how could you suddenly leave me behind like this? i thought- i t-thought we'd be together f-forever . . .
"h-hyung," he calls, "h-how am i s-supposed to look forward to another day if the sun d-doesn't shine anymore? how am i- supposed to stay afloat if the sea doesn't run anymore?
"i feel lonely hyungs. the clouds are nothing without the sun and the sea."
he stayed there until it turns dark and the stars litter the sky. he would've stayed the whole night if not for his friends.
as he dried out his tears in front of his resting lovers, pushing himself up to go home and rest, he lost all sense of hope, and the candles' light flicker until it extinguish.
~
taehyun dreaded going to university. he already skipped a week of it, and when monday came, he knew he had to go. he had already missed a lot of lessons but frankly, he didn't care anymore.
he lost all his will to live the moment his boyfriends lost their lives.
he never even returned to their shared apartment; he didn't have the courage to do that yet.
truthfully, taehyun had gotten used to the stares. having popular boyfriends has its benefits, but now, it was just a curse. everyone was looking at him with symphatizing gazes, and he didn't like it. it makes him feel pitiful and sorry for himself.
that moment, he was known as the boy who lost his two boyfriends in a span of three days.
people kept sending their condolences to him, and asking him if he's okay. taehyun appreciated the sentiment. he really do. but honestly, those just kept on reminding him about his loss. he wanted to move on with his life because that is what beomgyu and yeonjun would want him to do, but everyone just keeps dragging him back to hell, and it hurts.
it fucking hurts, and they didn't care if it does.
that's why in his arts class, as they paint what they currently feel, he couldn't handle it anymore and he breaks.
again.
taehyun just kept breaking over and over again.
he dropped his brush and started sobbing, grabbing his bag and running to the bathroom. leaving the half-complete portrait of dark clouds on his easel.
kai and soobin offered to let him live in their apartment for a while, or at least accompany him in theirs. but taehyun refused. the couple had already done so much for him, staying by his side for the rest of the week, patiently comforting him through his breakdowns and emotional train wrecks. and he didn't want to bother anymore. besides, he had to go home either way.
but really, who was he kidding? taehyun wasn't ready for this. he could never be.
the moment he went inside the apartment, their memories flashed back in his mind and he drops his backpack.
he sees the couch and remembers all those movie nights where yeonjun would cry about a romantic love story he found on netflix, where beomgyu would pull them to watch his favorite anime movie for the nth time, where he would comfort the two hyungs for being the biggest crybabies after teasing them non-stop.
he sees the kitchen and he recalls all those times where beomgyu would sneak bites into the food they're preparing, where yeonjun would feed him while cooking, where he would hug the two from behind when they cook and just relish in the domesticity of the moment.
he sees the beds and he remembers all those nights they spent cuddling, alternating between rooms. he remembers the time he fell in love with beomgyu after a panic attack, the time when he comforted yeonjun after he sulks about his research, the time when the two envelops him in warmth after each petty fight.
he sees the balcony and he remembers the nights they would gaze out the sky and talk about their dreams, arms wrapped around each other.
he sees yeonjun's photos of sceneries, beomgyu's frames of albums.
he feels their presence with their belongings, he smells their perfumes across the rooms.
the place was filled to the brim with the memories of the three of them, and taehyun felt like drowning.
this time, there was no one to save him.
so he turned on his heel and ran away.
~
wandering off the streets for what felt like hours, taehyun finds himself on the bridge yeonjun took him to.
it was still beautiful, with the neon lights and city lights grazing his dazed and hazy eyes. the breeze still fresh like the last time the three of them went a few weeks prior.
he takes his time walking, not thinking of anything but the boys he love with all his heart.
and how he lost them.
taehyun stops at the middle point, looking out of the bridge as he rests his arms on the metal rails, exhaling a long and deep sigh.
he blanks out for the first few minutes, letting the cold air brush past, and then his mind got to work into bringing him into a spiral.
it's your fault.
if you haven't been distracting yeonjun as he drives, beomgyu would've been alive.
it's your fault.
if you didn't let yeonjun out of the hospital, then he would've recovered and not die of a heart failure.
it's your fault.
after fighting off the demons in his head for at least a year, right now, he lets them win.
it's my fault.
taehyun looks down at his scarred wrist, now having two bracelets protecting it, remembering their words on how he's being too hard on himself.
who says he can't hurt himself anymore?
climbing up the railings and stepping on the metal supports, taehyun's heart pounded in his chest. the wind became cold and harsh against his skin, and his feet are trembling for balance.
but he feels numb all over.
the moment beomgyu stopped breathing was the start of his death, and the moment yeonjun's heart stopped beating was the end of it.
taehyun's dead, not literally
yet.
he started panting as he takes a shaky step forward, nearing the edge.
then another.
and another.
taehyun looks down at the still waters below, unmoving like yeonjun. he looks up at the night sky, his sun isn't there too.
he looks at his watch, reading 09:12 in the evening.
he's the sun's favorite company and the sea's favorite view.
"wait for me hyungs."
and like the clouds, he always follow the sun and the sea.
wherever they would go.