Chapter Text
“My dear, you simply have to try some!” Crowley gently pushed away the plump hand holding the offered fruit.
“It has spikes.”
Aziraphale rolled his eyes, shifting to pick up another fruit from the little heap held in his robes, between crossed legs. The fruits had grown plentiful this year, and there simply weren’t enough humans or animals around to eat them all. It really was Aziraphale’s angelic duty to make sure not too much of them went to waste.
“You peel them, of course. Like most fruits.”
“Haven’t seen you peel pears.”
“I did say most, not all.”
Aziraphale turned the pink, round, spikey something in his hands, before digging in one blunt, shiny fingernail, peeling away the tough skin from white, moist flesh. Popping the now free insides into his mouth, he licked his lips with a delighted wiggle.
“I can’t believe you like all this stuff so much”, Crowley found himself wiping a sappy smile off of his face with a snide comment. He immediately regretted it as the content smile slid off of Aziraphale’s face.
“Ah...yes. I have gotten several comments from…’up there’, already”, he eyed another, yellow something sadly, turning it now rather listlessly. “Maybe I should stop with this. I have tried most of the fruits already, no point in doing so again..”
Crowley scrambled up on his feet.
“No, no, no, wait a minute. You can’t just stop!” Quick, he had to think of some good reason other than ‘fuck those weirdos up there, just eat the damn fruit’. Aziraphale watched him scurry off into the bushes, out of sight, coming back, arms laden with whatever grew near (and not near*) them.
* Several humans and birds got startled quite heavily as various fruits suddenly disappeared right from beneath their noses as they were about to pick them. It did take Crowley a few moments of handpicking before he remembered that miracles were indeed a thing.
Then he dumped the entire armful on the ground, stepping on one of the unlucky fruits that had rolled away from the pile. Aziraphale raised a brow.
“And what exactly..are you doing now?”
“Ruining her creation”, Crowley offered, only now remembering to actually think of some good reason. “If you don’t want to eat them, more for me to waste!”
He kicked another, hissing as he bruised his toes on the hard shell. Recovering some pride, he gave Aziraphale a grin.
“Of course you can thwart my evil plan. Do with them what they were intended for. Make me join you.”
Aziraphale shifted in place, twiddling the hem of his robes between soft fingers.
“Well..That doesn’t seem like actual thwarting. Especially not if it’s your idea.“
“My idea, your idea, doesn’t matter. The result is what your people want to see, isn’t it?”
“If you put it like that..”, Aziraphale eyed a large fruit that had ended up closest to him.
“If you would rather I continued wasting all this perfectly good fruits…?”
Snapping, Aziraphale got some of the fruits to lift off the ground, dust themselves off obediently, and place themselves neatly to the few fruits already on his lap.
“There really is no reason for that, my dear boy”, Aziraphale sighed, peeling something Crowley recognized as a banana. “Well, join me then.”
Scowling, Crowley sat down again. He didn’t mind food too much, it was alright, some even more than alright. But the sticky mess it made of his hands was definitely not. He grabbed something rather small, round and red. No mess if he could just pop the entire thing in his mouth, whole.
“Ugh”, Crowley chocked out, teeth working on the tough outer shell, before piercing it, going right through the fibrous flesh and crunching a large kernel.
Aziraphale hid a smile.
“I did tell you that peeling was an option.”
“Shu’ ‘p.” Crowley swallowed, grimacing. “Uhngh...that was gross.”
“I don’t think I know that one. I haven’t seen anything like this around here, before”, picking up another one of the small fruits, Aziraphale held it up for closer inspection.
“You didn’t miss much. ‘s disgusting.”
Visibly restraining himself, Aziraphale placed the fruit gently back down on the ground.
“Can’t believe you wanna eat that, even though I told you it tastes like shit.”
“You could be lying”, Aziraphale sniffed, moving his attention to a juicy looking pear. “You#re a demon after all. It would make sense for you to hide good tasting things for yourself.”
“I got you an orange after trying one, didn’t I?”
“And caused me 2 years of paperwork.”
“I didn’t expect you to not know how to bloody swallow!”
Crowley threw out his hands, freezing for a moment in place, before lowering one slowly to his chest, brows furrowed.
“Hu. That’s weird.”
Aziraphale swallowed, delicately wiping some juice off of his lips.
“What was that?”
“I said, ‘That’s weird’”, Crowley gave his chest a few thumps. “That beating thing went all funny, suddenly.”
“You’re..lung?”
“Uh..don’t think that was that. The red..uh..Heart! Yeah, that fucker!”
There was a light sheen to Crowley’s forehead now, Aziraphale noticed.
“Started beatin’ all out of rhythm.”
Aziraphale was sure he hadn’t been told anything like that about his corporation, back when it had been handed out. “Lungs for breathing, heart for beating” had one of the little helpful pamphlets said on the front, but in the end, it had been mostly about the repercussions of damaging the body, than about the body itself.
“You should fix that”, Aziraphale helped unhelpfully.
“Oh yeah, thank’s, what d’you think I’m trying to do. Not like I know what all those little parts gotta be actually doing.”
Crowley groaned, curling slightly forward.
“Oh fuck, yeah this’ worse, all the lower stuff’s trying to shred itself into pieces. ‘t least it feels like it.”
He was panting now, some stray hair sticking to his sweaty face.
“Just, gonna lie down, just here, yeah just like that”, Crowley collapsed more then he lied down, curling up tighter on the ground. “Fuck, look at this shit, angel. Your fruits incorporated me.”
“I thought you knew how to swallow?”
“Do I look like I’m chocking?!”
Crowley groaned again, clutching his chest with both hands and Aziraphale began to panic. There was, of course, no reason to panic, neither of them could actually die, and incorporating the enemy was technically in his job description**.
But most would feel some level of anxiety while watching somebody suddenly begin to show signs of acute dying. Especially if that somebody was The Enemy***, and you had just been having a lovely conversation with them.
**Somewhere around the first line or so. Aziraphale liked to skip over it.
*** Capitalized.
“Fruits aren’t supposed to kill you!” Aziraphale was sure they weren’t. They were for sustenance, he remembered hearing about that. He wouldn’t have eaten one if they were deadly, he wasn’t an idiot!
Crowley just groaned into the ground.
“Unless…”, something wiggled in the back of Aziraphale’s mind. Oh. Yes. Right. “Have you heard of poisonous plants, ma dear?”
Crowley chocked out some sounds, rolling to another side.
“I think you might have found one.”
Crowley threw up.
“Oh my...uhm...is there any way I can help you?!” Aziraphale hovered over Crowley, fruits forgotten. Wasn’t there something to do? Hadn’t there been anything he had been told about poisons? He couldn’t just miracle it away, could he?
“I can try miraceling the poison away!” Aziraphale cried. “It can’t be that hard!”
“Oh G-...fuck, no. ‘m not ur essssperiment..”
“Stay still!”
“Stop.”
“I have healed humans before. Your corporation is basically like a human’s body!”
“NOoooo….!”
“I just have to…Oh dear.”
Crowley spasmed, coughed out something that sounded like a ‘Rather die” and simply did indeed die.
Silence surrounded Aziraphale and the now rather demonless body next to him.
He sighed, pushing down the trickle of a rather nasty feeling, and got up. He really should bury him as soon as possible, before anybody from a nearby settlement ran across this rather questionable scene.