Chapter Text
December 24th, 2028
Dear Dean Fucking Winchester,
It’s the night before Christmas.
And all through the house, not a creature was stirring.
Not even a mouse.
Sorry, I just had to add that part in.
Right now, the whole house is passed out, and I should be asleep too but I had to wrap some presents before tomorrow morning. I never really got the idea of wrapping gifts. People would be just as surprised if you handed them the gift unwrapped. Sam says it’s the principle of it all, but he can shove those principles up his ass. That’s why when I ran out of gift wrap, I wrapped his gifts in toilet paper. I figured since he was a college student, he’d love that shit. Dad’s gonna be so pissed. Hopefully, with everyone opening gifts and all, he won’t notice much.
Bobby, Jo, and Ellen arrived this morning to spend Christmas with us. Jo and Ellen have been into archery lately and they took Sam, Cas, and me to go try it out. I’ll admit, I didn't believe Jo and Ellen when they said archery would be hard, but I should have. My shoulders and arms still hurt. Cas was complaining about his back hurting even. We’re totally going again tomorrow after I meet Bela for breakfast. It's our thing now. At least twice a year, we catch up doing the thing we used to hate the least when we met each other in that eating disorder group. She's been doing really good lately. Hasn't ended up in the hospital in almost 2 years and even has a boyfriend. I can't explain it, but she has this glow about her that she didn't before...
Anyway, Tessa is also stopping by tomorrow night with her fiance. We like him alright, he doesn’t talk much. He’s a taxi driver and basically has a map of the whole town in his head which is kind of cool.
We picked names this year and I got Bobby. I got him a new hat that he probably won't wear until his other two hats are in pieces. I got Sam a bag of whole coffee beans and a new coffee maker since I broke his last one when I dropped it down the stairs while helping him move to his apartment. I also got him a subscription to hunt a killer which is an online game where everybody’s put into groups and they are sent different pieces of clues. They all have to collaborate on the clues that they got and who they think the killer was. Might as well use that big brain of his for something other than studying. I got the old man beef jerky and this beer I got from Louisiana when I visited Benny last summer. Haven't tried it yet but Benny swore by it. I got the golden age beer from Family Business Beer. I’m sure Dad’ll like it. He ain’t picky.
Cas kind of got the short end of the stick, but it’s his own damn fault. He told me at the beginning of December that he wanted these winter boots so I was like “hell yeah I’ll get you those boots”. But last week, he was wearing the same boots that he told me to get him. He just said he forgot he told me.
That’s my husband for you…
He does something like that every year so I should’ve expected him to pull this same shit. It’s like he has an aversion to getting Christmas gifts from me. Last year, the son of a bitch forgot he told both Tessa and me that he wanted these artsy pens. He ended up opening two packs on Christmas morning. This year he’s getting a pair of orange panties with angel wings on the ass. Something that I’ll enjoy too if you know what I’m saying.
Anyway, it’s always weird being back in my old room. Everything is exactly the same as I left it when Cas and I moved away three years ago. Cas and I actually live 4 hours away in Lebanon, Kansas, but we always come to Lawrence for Christmas.
It’s tradition and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
A few days ago I found these letters stuffed in my desk and I decided to write another one even though I hadn't written one in over 6 years.
I can't believe I started these letters 11 years ago when I was 16 all because of a school assignment from Mr. Ketch. I found out that he quit teaching a few years ago to publish his book called The Men of Letters. Not gonna lie, the book sounds kind of badass.
Going through these letters, a lot has changed over the years but some things are the same.
There’s a lot of good memories in there and some not-so-great ones that I wish I could forget. Hell, some of these things in here I didn't even remember happening.
And God, Cas, and Sam sneaking in writing letters to me were pretty awesome. I didn't know they had done that. Guess if I ever get amnesia or some shit, I could read these letters and they’d help jog my memory.
I’ll be 28 in exactly a month from now. It’s only two years till I turn 30 or the “dirty 30” as Cas likes to call it. I think he’s more excited than I am. He wants to go all out, but I’d rather do something small. He makes jokes like he doesn’t turn 30 six months after me.
The other day, he practically creamed his pants when he thought he saw a grey hair on my head. I just might have unlocked another one of Cas’ kinks… and I’m not mad about it.
Cas and I just had our 4th wedding anniversary this past July. We got married on July 27th, 2024. The wedding was on a Saturday in December. We had been engaged for 2 years and out of college for a little more than a year and we both had just gotten jobs where we currently live in Lebanon and we just decided that fuck it, let’s just do the damn thing. I wanted to get married at the courthouse, but Cas wanted all the family and friends to be there. Took about all of January and February to plan the damn thing… well, it took so long because Cas was very indecisive. We decided to have the wedding in Lawrence even though we lived in Lebanon. A lot of family and friends lived close to the area so most of them were able to come.
The wedding was at this red barn. It was the first one that we saw actually… out of the seven that Cas had insisted we look at afterward because he wanted to see his other options... Sometimes you gotta laugh at things or you’ll just get mad.
I wore a dark green suit and Cas wore a blue one. I tried on this red suit and we were both pretty into it until I made a joke about making purple the night of the wedding and then he said I couldn't wear a red suit anymore… I thought it was pretty funny.
For our bachelor parties, we both went on separate weekend road trips to do different things and obviously party. Cas went to Colorado with Meg, Charlie, and Kevin. When Cas was talking about going hiking and painting, Meg was gagging in the background. When Cas called me one night, he, Kevin, and Charlie were so drunk I could barely understand what they were saying. It was awesome. Thank God Meg was there to liven things up or it would have been boring as hell. I got a ton of pictures of Kevin and Cas hiking so he got to still do what he wanted. He also got to paint while on this mountain too.
I went to Dallas, Texas with Benny, Max, Garth, and Sam to a strip club and then a bar because why the hell not? I drank just enough to feel buzzed and loose and it was nice. After Eye of the Tiger came on, this guy named Lee called me up to sing because he said I “can't just keep lip syncing Eye of the Tiger when no one was watching.” He picked the song “Good Ol’ Boys” and I ended up inviting him to the wedding right then and there. The best part was that he actually came. Surprised the hell out of me and even got us a pack of beer.
My man.
We ended the night soaked with sweat and happy as hell. It was a dream.
Lee is now my best friend. Sorry, Benny, it was a good run but I’ve found someone else.
We’re still in touch and he invited both of us to Texas this summer for the opening of a new bar he’s opening up. Already got our tickets.
We decided to have the wedding at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. The morning of the wedding, I was pretty nervous which didn't help my blood sugar. I was kind of all over the place the whole day actually. I kept thinking about the fact that I was marrying the most awesome dude ever. Back then, I was trying this new insulin pump. That one had tubes and everything and I was still getting used to it. I had wanted to try something new but I’ll never know why I decided to switch a month before my wedding. It was okay, but I had been spoiled with being tubeless for a while so it was annoying. Got it stuck on drawer handles and door handles sometimes. It was nice to be able to unhook for a little bit and it was nice that it was more compatible with the CGM. I’ve since then gone back to the pump I started with.
Anyway, I guess looking back, I was just excited. By the afternoon of the wedding day, I started feeling pretty good. My dad made everyone pancakes and bacon for breakfast and I was ready to go.
After that, we all headed to the barn. I thought we’d walk down the aisle together but Cas wanted to be the one who walked down it. Benny’s twins were the flower duo. Cas walked down to the song I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. The song hadn't even been the one that was rehearsed and when it started playing I turned around so fast I felt my neck pop. Cas was lip-syncing the whole time and just laughing and I started laughing because he was laughing and I don't know… it was beautiful.
Never would have thought that I would be married to the person I dated in high school. I think I first had the idea of Cas being it, was after a huge fight we had in senior year of college. It was a few months after the engagement actually. We even agreed to just take a break from each other. It only lasted for a day and a half till we were back together again.
But, I guess when I imagined the rest of my life, it was always with Cas.
There might have been some tears. Won’t specify who they were from.
Fine, they were from me.
I just had this feeling of, wow I’m finally marrying the love of my life and everyone that I loved got to witness it too.
It was a surreal experience that I’ll never forget.
We had Tessa’s new food truck for the wedding and they served BBQ. She even served the Dean Special. She said it's been a big hit since she debuted it. People are still always surprised when they find out that the Dean who inspired this sandwich has type one.
At first, so many people stopped to talk to us that we couldn’t get close to the food. Every time we would get closer to the truck, someone would start up a conversation. I tried to slip out when they were focused on Cas, but then they started asking me questions instead. At one point Cas successfully slipped out without me and I thought I was gonna have to kill him. Thought we were going to have a shorter marriage than Kim Kardashian and her first husband. I was even more pissed when he came back with a plate of food.
Turns out the plate was actually for me and I didn’t have to kill anyone after all.
Cas’ friend, Hannah, made us this peanut butter and chocolate cake.
Listen, pie will always be the love of my life next to Baby, but fuck… that cake was amazing. It was the perfect amount of chocolate and peanut butter. I’m betting that if heaven had cake, it would be that specific one.
I still dream about that cake.
I took one bite of it and I swear I heard heavenly music. And what was even better, was that she gave us a pretty good calculation of the carbs and calories in it, so I didn't have to play the guessing game.
I should see if Cas can ask Hannah to make that cake again.
It was one of the best days of my life. Benny was my best man and Meg was Cas’. They both did a small speech. Benny went with the “we go way… way… way… way… way back” speech. All the way back to when we were 9 and we had a sleepover. We dared each other to run out in the snow with only shorts on.
God… that was such a bad idea. Just us being stupid kids.
Meg went with the surprisingly sentimental speech about the time during a field trip he did homeschooling and she and Cas both got lost at World of Fun and they spent most of the day together until they were back with their group again. Then in true Meg fashion, she ended with, “if you hurt him I’ll kill you.”
I’m sure never in a million years Cas would have thought his mom and dad would both come to his wedding. The three of them even took a picture together.
I was skeptical of the photographer, Jack, since he looked like a middle schooler, but he is one talented dude.
When we got our album back, there were so many pictures. There was one with me and Nurse Mildred by the food truck, Garth sticking bunny ears behind my head… Max and Alicia and I showing our pumps, Cas grabbing my butt (god...), Bela and I eating some of Cas’ cake (it was his third piece, come on). A lot of good memories in there.
Benny, Cas, and I ended up leaving early since we had to catch a flight to Florida. Sam just had to put a banner that said JUST MARRIED on Baby. Thank God, he didn't use paint.
Some friends let us use their grandparent’s timeshare for a week.
The flight was only a couple of hours long but we both fell asleep. I hadn't gotten great sleep and Cas didn't either. When we got to Florida at around 10 that night, we got the rental car, got some fast food which we ate on the drive over to the place. It took us about an hour to get to it. Once we got our keys, we brought our bags in, looked around a little bit, then went upstairs, got undressed, got under the covers, and then proceeded to pass out from exhaustion.
Couldn't have asked for a better first night.
Best sleep I had gotten in a week for sure.
We had a good time in Florida.
I remember that I got a nice suntan because when I switched out the CGM, I had a pale spot on my stomach from where it was attached to my skin.
It was funny, while we were at this club, this couple asked if we wanted to have a foursome. Castiel politely declined, which to be honest, I didn't expect. Since you know he’s all about “experiences” and all. If you would've asked me in high school, I would have agreed without a second thought, but now, I don't want to share Cas. Thought Cas was going to say the same thing, but he said they weren't his type...
Then he tagged on that I was all his now.
Nice save… that cheeky bastard.
Since then, we’ve been cruising. Marriage is at least 50 percent mostly just asking the other person what they want for dinner each night ideas about dinner.
It hasn't always been easy because we're both stubborn sons of a bitches but we’ve gotten through it. When we do get in big fights, we found out early on that we need time away from each other. Not like going to a hotel away from each other, just being in separate rooms for a while. I got sent to the couch because of something stupid I said and I woke up in the morning to find Cas wedged between me and the couch. We decided that no matter how mad we were at one another, we would always go to bed and wake up next to each other.
Sounds sappy as hell but it works.
For our first anniversary, we actually did a role play thing that Benny recommended. The plan was to pretend that we didn't know each other at a bar. I chose the name Jensen and he picked Misha. I bought him a drink, cock blocked the guy who asked him if he wanted to dance, and used what I thought were my best lines. Cas barely kept a straight face after his first drink. I forgot that he was such a lightweight. It went pretty good up until my key card malfunctioned. That took a little while to straighten out, but once we got into the room, we started kissing, he got my shirt off and then he pushed me onto the bed, then landed on top of me, kissing my ear, and then he just stopped. I thought this was part of the act until I heard him snoring.
Yes, that happened... and I’ll never let him live that one down. We’ve been meaning to try it again but just haven’t gotten the chance yet.
We’ve been out of college for a little while now. We actually went to our 10-year high school reunion in January. Cas and I both didn’t want to go but somehow Charlie and Benny and Kevin convinced us to. It was pretty boring at first and we ended up getting each other off in the supply closet. When we got to the party we bumped into Cassie. We talked for a while Cas was catching up with some other people. She’s a news reporter on tv. It made sense since in high school she was really into writing.
I looked her up online and watched a few videos of her news reports and she’s really good. Things weren’t awkward between us or anything. It was honestly nice catching up.
Anyway, the group chat goes through patches of slowing down but it’s still up.
Benny is in the process of finally opening up his own restaurant. He’s still in the early stages of building it and it’s going to be named Heart and Soul when it opens a year and a half from now. He and Andrea eloped after their twins were born. They ended up having another kid 11 months after. Andrea was pissed when she found out. She made him go stay at his brother’s for a few days.
Now the twins are both 7 and the third kid is 6. Cas and I are their Godparents.
Moving on to Kevin. He is now a crime scene investigator… kind of like the ones on tv but his title is a forensic linguist… if that's how you say it. Well, all I know is that he analyzes and translates anything from social media posts, or texts to emergency phone calls to help solve crimes.
He hasn't dated anyone since freshman year of college so we joke about it, even though there’s nothing wrong with it.
Charlie had an early midlife crisis and is now traveling the world. She just sent us an ornament from Germany and has been to Italy, Australia, and Thailand too.
She and Dorthy were off and on for a couple of years after our wedding but decided to just call it quits. Benny and I have a pool going on to see how long it will take for them to get back together again. I bet that It’ll be within the next 3 years, but Benny thinks they're done.
We each bet 200 bucks. We haven't told either Cas or Andrea yet so when it finally happens, one of us is getting our asses kicked by them.
It’s gonna be great… I hope it’s Benny.
On to Sam. The little brother graduated from Law school which means a free lawyer for me if I have a run-in with the law. HE STILL has to go through graduate school.
Yes, I still call him Sammy even though he's got a few inches on me. This doesn't mean I have stopped calling him Sammy. I gotta say, having a younger sibling that is taller than you is just plain disrespectful.
He has been dating this girl named Eileen I think for like a year now. She lost her hearing when she was 6 months old. I gotta say, his sign language is looking pretty good. A year before they started dating, Sam would force me to practice with him. We were both surprised when Cas suddenly started showing Sam signs. He just shrugged and casually said he had a coworker who was deaf and kind of just started learning on his own from there.
Yes, even though we’ve known each other for almost 11 years now, I’m always learning something new about him...
Anyway, oh yeah, my dad got married a couple of years ago. He and Kate Milligan were secretly dating for months before he told Sammy and me. We were all kind of shocked since he hadn't obviously dated anyone since Mom had died. We were never mad, though. And I think I can speak for both Sam and me that Kate is good for dad. He deserves to be happy again even though it won't be with mom. She's a lot different from mom but she has a quick tongue.
I think he may have a type…
I worked part-time as a mechanical engineer for this small company in town for about 4 months right out of college and then it went under. So we were all let go. It was a good first job. We were in charge of product design of car motors.
Cas got a job straight out of college and he liked it at first but started hating it like 6 months in. His boss Metatron sounded like an asshole.
Took me about 8 months to find another job. Now I work at this cool company that manages systems for other big facilities, but during those 8 months without a job was hard. It was hard having only Cas support us. Diabetes ain't cheap. To save money, I started doing multiple injections. And I felt… kind of useless. I began to throw myself into workouts actually. I didn’t even realize It was becoming an issue until Cas mentioned that he was worried about me. At first, I told him that he was overreacting, and we started fighting about it… actually we began to fight a lot more. About stupid shit too. So I in turn decided to workout every day, sometimes twice a day.
The stress of not having a job also started to take a toll on my sleep. I’d sleep around 5 hours a night and wake up, apply for more jobs, eat something then go workout. All of this was affecting my blood sugar, thus affecting me. I was more thirsty, tired, and sometimes I couldn't get my dick up. Ended up in the hospital because I got down too low and Cas had to give me Glucagon which is something I hadn’t taken since I got sick that one time in high school. Cas was so angry at me and my self-destructive streak he didn't talk to me for 3 days after. I applied for twice as many jobs that night and started taking better care of myself and working out less since it was becoming a problem.
Three weeks later, I got a call from a phone number from Lebanon, Kansas for a job interview. I almost fucked up the second zoom interview because I overslept. They ended up having technical difficulties so they had to push back the interview by half an hour which gave me just enough time.
I was hesitant about moving so far away from everyone, but Cas and I are glad we did it. It was a big move for me since I hadn’t lived anywhere other than Lawrence Kansas. I mean there was college, but that didn't count.
Cas got this job as a guide for this museum of Art. It was perfect because he got to talk about art and history, which were his two favorite subjects.
He then decided to put his art up in a show a year ago and some really rich lady bought 3 of his paintings for her home and offered him a job as a curator.
My boss Billie means business. From the first day, I knew she wasn’t the type to take any bullshit.
We lived in a studio apartment for the first two and a half years until we could afford a house. The studio that we had was so small that we felt like we were always bumping into each other. This house had the biggest backyard and also a deck so that was an added bonus. It has 3 bedrooms and an office. I think Cas just liked it because it had an orange kitchen.
YES, our room is painted orange. BUT only one wall and it’s not as bright as Cas’ room back in Lawrence.
We have random things in the house that some of Cas’ art clients have given him. Someone gave him this doll from hell that’s creepy as shit and I turn it around every time I see it. I hate it but Cas thinks it’s cute. I keep telling him that scary dolls aren't cute but he won't listen. If we’re found murdered one day, It was for sure the doll. No doubt about it.
Speaking of Cas, he has begun to expand his cooking skills. He can now make cookies. It’s not a huge step from bread but I’m proud of him nonetheless. Now our freezer is packed with bread and cookies. He bakes cookies when he’s happy and bread when he’s stressed or bored. We finally decided to start donating to some homeless shelters. Sometimes he’ll also put them at the art shows that he puts together. He says they're the perfect conversation starters... ?
God, I love that dude.
Cas and his dad still hang out from time to time. Layla and he are supposed to be visiting us in February. They’ve gotten closer over the years but Cas definitely holds back parts of himself which is understandable but at least he tries. I’m just glad they even have a relationship.
Cas’ mom has been free from drugs for one year now and has regained most of her mobility. She ended up having multiple relapses after the coma which was expected. As someone who went through recovery myself, I know that it’s not a straight line. She’s been going to her meetings and has a sponsor. She has not come to visit us since we’ve gotten the house but she did visit us at the apartment. Despite all that’s happened between Cas and her, their relationship is really good. They FaceTime at least every other weekend. She looks better than she did too. Cas look’s a lot like her. After her last relapse a year ago, she shaved her head bald. It’s since grown into a messy bob thing. She also met someone new.
His name is Balthazar, I’ve never heard of a weirder name than his and on top of this, he likes to knit. We have grown to like him.
Well, Cas hated him before he even met him, Which is understandable. It took one dinner to figure out that he was nothing like Nick, and that was a start.
He’s into gardening and owns his own plant store. He also does knitting classes and is into all this holistic shit. Had to block his emails because he kept sending me articles on “ways that you could cure my diabetes.” Finally had enough when I saw an article about how grapes can cure type 1… If I could cure it with grapes, our freezer would be full of them right now instead of cookies and bread. I know he's trying and that's nice and all, but it still sucks.
What else… oh yeah we got a dog. Her name’s Daisy. She's a German Shepard and she's the best dog ever. Yes, Dean Winchester just said that and he actually meant it.
She's 2 years old now but we’ve had her for a year. Cas was the one who got her from the shelter. Surprised to come home from work one day to find a dog greeting me. Cas and I actually got into a big fight about the dog. By that time, we had been married for a little bit but we hadn't talked about having any animals. Neither of us had ever had one growing up so I just assumed he didn’t want any.
Well, it took maybe a day and a half for me to absolutely fall in love with her. She chewed through two pairs of my house shoes when she was younger. Never chewed on any of Cas’ damn shoes…
We finally trained her to not cross the street without us. Best thing we could’ve ever taught her, besides play dead.
That get’s me every time.
off to some more unexpected news.
Cas and I also have a baby.
Yes, someone in this universe trusted us with a BABY.
Mind-boggling, I know.
We knew that we wanted at least one kid before we got married but we didn’t know how to talk about both just jizzing in a cup, but I flat out refused to participate. Here’s the thing, let's say if the baby turned out to be mine, and then years pass by, and all is great. Then BAM, that same teen starts drinking too much water and peeing too much and now they have type 1. And this may all be irrational, but if there is any chance of me passing this to my kid, then I couldn't do it.
I’ve been living with the d-bag for 11 years now and things haven't magically become easier. Some days are alright, some days are bad, and other days are downright shitty.
We ended up signing up to adopt two years ago, not really in a rush for everything to go through though. We got a call last Halloween saying that they had found someone for us, but that her situation wasn’t... “typical” but wouldn’t tell us anything else before they set up a time for us all to meet.
Cas got so excited that he went out and bought not one but two car seats.
The first encounter was at this breakfast place about half an hour from our house.
Nothing could have prepared us for Kaia Nieves. She was 18 and homeless. Foster care since she was 7. Curly hair with purple tips. She carried around this hiking backpack that had to of weighed at least 15 pounds.
Before the food came, she just stared at both of us, we thought it was because she was shy, but when we started talking, she just shushed us and said she needed silence to think. After about a few more minutes, she began to talk.
The only question she wanted to know was if we loved each other. I froze because I wasn’t expecting the question, but Cas started to answer right away. He told her about the time we met in high school and how I helped him with his locker. I chimed in with the truth that it wasn’t actually a sticky lock, to begin with. She just had this smile on her face the whole time and I felt like we had passed some sort of test.
She actually didn’t ask us a ton of questions after that. Don't know how she could have with all the food she was shoveling into her mouth. She ordered 2 pancakes, an omelet with salsa, both sausage and bacon, a fruit cup, and coffee. It was more food than Cas and I got combined and when we thought she was done, she ordered a cupcake too. It was fucking impressed. She ate everything too and got a muffin to go.
Kaia said that she didn't know exactly who the father was, but it could have been a few of the guys she met in passing. She just kind of shrugged and said it would be a fun surprise at birth.
At the end, She told us that she liked us and we were the couple in her dreams.
And this was Kaia...
She then said she would contact us again soon.
We were kind of surprised that she was still going to travel but then we gave her our numbers but we didn't see her until she was 7 months pregnant.
She called in the middle of the night 5 months later and asked us if she could stay at our place. I was skeptical about having her in the house living with us, but Cas wasn’t. She ended up moving into our living room that night. Daisy fell in love with Kaia the moment she walked into the house and slept with her on the couch every night.
It was an interesting experience getting to be around Kaia every day. She loved heavy metal music but also instrumental. She loved to cook… but she didn't cook well at all. She made this… dish that had a can of split pea soup, a can of tomato soup, and a can of beef broth. And that all was gross… but okay… but then she added two soup cans of milk and some wine… well she didn't have wine so she added apple juice… I still have nightmares about that dish. Thank god Cas offered to take us to a restaurant instead.
We went to this lomaz… lamaze class… That breathing class thing that got me sort of light-headed. We learned a bunch of useful things. Cas took a ton of notes. Kaia and I just basically goofed around the whole time. Ended up getting an ear full from Cas later.
She had a lot of… odd cravings like one time I walked in the kitchen from work and she was eating pickles with ice cream and I walked right back out of the house. Pickles and ice cream don't even remotely go together. I ended up hanging out in a coffee shop till Cas gave the all-clear.
Kaia brought this guy over. I forgot his name but the sonofva bitch wore sunglasses inside.
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and douchebags.
And he wasn't blind…
The place was a mess. Cas and I helped clean it up afterward. I was pretty pissed at the whole thing actually but I kept my cool pretty well.
We did a bunch of shit to get ready for the baby. Both of our families either came to help or sent stuff. Tessa helped us paint and put the room together. Dad and Sam helped me build the crib. Don’t think I’ve heard Sam curse as much in his whole entire life. Balthazar knitted the baby an elephant and Cas’ mom gave us a list of things she remembers using and things she didn’t use which helped. Kaia didn’t want to find out the gender but we painted the room this cucumber green color.
We even traded Cas’ truck for a used four-door car. There was no way in hell I was ever going to give up Baby. Getting the car seats hooked in the car was a bitch though.
Early in the morning of Saturday, May 13th, Cas had had some really bad stomach pains. We thought it would just go away at first but then he started puking and he couldn't even stand up. At around 10 am, Kaia and I took him to the emergency room and it turned out that he had appendicitis and had to have his appendix removed.
He was so out of it when we found out that he didn't even say anything. I told him he was going to be alright and moved some hair off his sweaty forehead. Minutes after they took Cas in for surgery, Kaia winced and held her stomach. Turns out she had been in labor all morning but hadn’t said anything because she thought it wasn’t actually labor. We ended up walking around the hospital because she wasn’t ready to get checked in yet.
We truly had damn good timing that day.
I started to panic when she held onto the front desk and crouched down and didn't talk or do much for a minute. I thought that she was going to have the baby right there and then. That's when we thought it would be a good idea to get her checked into a room. She grabbed my hand on the elevator and I thought she was going to break it.
We got the news that Cas had come out of surgery at 12:30 pm, Kaia had just settled into the room. I was running back and forth to both rooms until Cas told me to just facetime him so he could be in the room too.
When she was offered the epidural at about 5 hours in, she declined which was about the craziest thing my hand and I had ever heard. She said she wanted to experience labor and shit. Cas was wheeled in on a wheelchair when she started pushing. By then he had been out of surgery for 9 hours.
When the baby came out at 10:05 pm, she let out the loudest scream I had ever heard. I’d like to say that labor was beautiful and all, but I’m not going to lie. It was scary as hell. I was shaking afterward and Cas was for sure holding back tears.
He was actually the one who got to cut the cord.
The birth of the baby and the whole adoption situation was hard for Cas. He said after that it brought up old feelings of his family and also Anna. I think it softened the blow when she said she still wanted to be somewhat a part of the baby’s life even though she still wanted to travel. Cas has even been going to therapy about it all actually. He thought it was too late, but I never think it's too late for therapy. Hell, I still have zoom calls with Jody every once in a while. No shame in getting help.
The baby had a full head of dark hair and a layer of hair on her skin… she was so hairy...
She weighed 7 pounds and 1 ounce.
Kaia didn't want to hold her at first but Cas and I thought it was best. She cried and told her that she loved her. Then she said she laughed and said that the baby looked nothing like any of the possible dads. Cas and I had prepared for Kaia to change her mind. I thought at first I thought she was going to (Which we wouldn't have had a problem with) but she didn't. She handed her over to Cas and we both just ended up staring at the baby while the nurses got Kaia cleaned up. We both couldn't believe that she was finally here or that this was all real.
We all decided on the name Journey. Sam and my dad both gave me shit about it but then they saw her and stopped.
The name… it just fit all three of us and well… our journey to this point I guess. Sounds cheesy as hell but I wouldn't have it any other way. Not to mention it as one of the most iconic bands that ever walked this earth.
Both Cas and Kaia came home the next day. They were both pretty uncomfortable for the first few days after so I had to do a ton of stuff.
It had to be the most chaotic day I had ever experienced. Cas had this wicked scar on his lower right side of his stomach from the surgery. I want to draw two eyes above the scar so it looks like a face so bad.
The first night, Kaia, opened up a little about herself. Her grandpa took over after both her parents were killed. After he got sick and died, she was moved to foster care. She had lived in over 14 foster homes since then. Kaia said she made one friend in the system but they had been split up and she had never seen that friend ever again. She wasn’t even sure if she’d ever find them again. She talked about nowhere that she had been to had ever truly felt like home and how her skin itched when she stayed in one place for too long. She had been to 12 states so far since she had aged out of the system.
Kaia stayed to recover and nursed Journey about a month after but has since then returned to her traveling. We have an open adoption with her because we wanted her to stay in Journey’s life as much as possible. She visits every other month and she always manages to bring Cas and me a couple of souvenirs each from the last place she’s traveled to. Soon our house is going to be overrun by snow globes and key chains.
We worry for Kaia’s safety sometimes but she refuses to come live with us; says she's a free bird… like that one Lynyrd Skynyrd song. She texts us every once in a while and we send her pictures of Journey. Last time we saw her was last week. She brought Journey a shirt that said Merry Christmas and us both Santa hats that one of her friends off the street gave her… we haven’t worn them and we probably won’t.
She also said that she had met this guy. I was suspicious when she mentioned that she crashes with him from time to time. I suggested we meet this fellow but Cas squashed that idea and said we’d meet him when Kaia wanted us to meet him. Which is complete bullshit. If this guy is a garbage of a human being, then I want to know about it.
Cas did mention that she seemed happier, I didn't see any difference, but if he thinks so then it must be true.
My favorite part of the day is story time before putting Journey down for bed at night. Sometimes if I don’t have a book, I’ll talk to her about random things. Hell, the first night with her I rocked her and told her about all my fears about being a dad and the mistakes I'm probably going to make.
Cas’ favorite part is "babywearing". He wears Journey anywhere he can. To the store, on walks with Daisy, around the house. I do my fair share of baby wearing but he does it more.
It’s damn hard being parents but I think we’re doing okay.
Well, Journey is 7 months old now and is now blond. Yes, blond. She looks like a completely different baby than when we took her home. I can’t even explain why her hair changed. Hell, I’ve heard of kid’s hair turning darker, mine did, but not lighter.
She’s still a little hairy though… poor kid.
That little girl has been the reason for a lot of sleepless nights. She can roll, sit up on her own, and will grab anything in sight. It’s why depending on which arm my pump is on, I’ll make sure to switch how I hold her. She can't take it off but he has dislodged the cannula before. Not fun.
It’s been interesting watching her personality… bloom. She’s feisty like Kaia that’s for sure… Recently she’s been really into throwing toys and food on the floor. The first thing that made her laugh was when I made a popping noise by putting my finger in my mouth. Cas and I tried for months and she laughed at the simplest thing.
She likes cookie crisps thanks to Sam.
She loves oranges because she’s Cas’ daughter.
She hates avocado because she’s mine.
She absolutely loves Daisy. It was funny because Daisy was always protective of Kaia when she was pregnant. Is still protective of the both of them. She actually made Journey laugh for the first time when she was around 4 months. Cas and I had been trying for weeks and all Daisy had to do was run around the living room after this burst of energy.
Journey also loves when we take her on walks. I think she just likes to be carried in the carrier. Those ergonomic…. Ergodynamic… whatever the fuck those things are called… those baby carriers are the best. We just started facing her away from us a couple of months ago when she started leaning back in the carrier more and I swear she’s on cloud 9.
I carry her while Cas rides his skateboard with Daisy pulling him. I keep telling him that it’s not a good idea to let her have full control when he’s riding, but he won't listen. Stubborn bastard. Someday she’s going to see a squirrel that she can't resist and I’m going to laugh.
Tonight, Dad was on the floor with Journey and he was trying to get Journey to scoot for this toy by putting it further away from him. Each time Journey got frustrated, Dad kept moving the toy closer and closer until he all but put the toy in Journey's hand. I think he hates hearing her cry.
Sucker never stood a chance.
Tonight, I looked at everyone around me and all I can think is how thankful I am. Tomorrow I get to introduce my mom’s famous chocolate chip cookies to my daughter and I almost can’t believe it.
I remember in one letter, I wrote “Every day, I live with this constant struggle of who I am now and who I once was.”
Today, I can finally say that after 11 years, I don’t have that struggle anymore. I feel complete. Sometimes, I wish I could tell all the versions of me that it was going to be okay.
I’d tell a 12-year-old me that he needed to ask for help and what he was dealing with was an eating disorder. I’d tell a 14-year-old me that even though his mom had died, that she would always be with him. I would tell 16-year-old me that having diabetes was going to be hard as hell, but… but nothing, it’s just hard as hell. I’d tell a 17-year-old me that the guy who walked into English with a trenchcoat on would be the love of his life soon. After everything, my life has turned out pretty good. I have Cas, Journey, and Kaia, Daisy, my friends, and family and that’s more than I could ever ask for.
Well, this is me signing off.
It's been a wild ride.
Dean.
