Chapter Text
Sunday
Chan was, for lack of a better term, panicking.
His essay was due by midnight, he hadn’t thought of a way to apologize to Hyunjin, and he woke up not only to the worst hangover he’s probably ever had, but also an email from his professor informing him that he did his assignment completely wrong.
“You look like shit.” Minho frowned as Chan shambled his way into the kitchen.
Chan hummed, bracing himself on the counter. He was contemplating if he needed to rush over to the sink or not. After a moment of deep breathing he decided he should be fine... as long as he didn’t move too fast or breathe too heavily or think too hard.
“Do you want... breakfast?” Minho offered hesitantly. At the thought of food, Chan found himself racing towards the trash can.
Minho winced and went over to rub Chan’s back as the older boy heaved, tears streaming down his cheeks with each gag.
“Let it out,” Minho hummed softly. “You’re gonna be okay, hyung. The more you puke the better you’ll feel.”
“Fuck... this is why I don’t fuckin’ drink...” Chan groaned as he slid to the floor, resting his back against the counter and putting his head between his knees. Minho went to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle for Chan, who took it with a grateful hum without lifting his head.
“Did something happen?” Minho sat next to Chan, leaving a small gap between them - he had a feeling the older boy would want some space while he recovered from his vomiting spell.
“I’m an awful person...” More tears stung Chan’s eyes. A weak sob spilled from chapped lips as he pulled his legs closer to his chest. Minho opened his mouth to disagree, but Chan continued without giving him a chance. “I forgot about plans I made with Jinnie... I made him cry because I’m a bad fucking friend. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so fucking stupid-”
“Hey, hey-” Minho reached over and rubbed Chan’s arm gently. “Hey, none of that is true. You’re not an awful person at all - you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, and even if you forgot about plans with Hyunjin, that doesn’t mean you're a bad friend. You’ve been so stressed recently... You can’t do everything and remember everything all the time. Hyunjin is a big boy, he’ll be okay. You can make it up to him later, when you’re not running yourself into the ground.”
“I just- I’m t-trying so fucking h-h-hard, but it’s not enough-”
“It is enough,” Minho reached over and pulled Chan into his arms. Chan instantly curled into his friend’s chest, sobbing weakly into his shirt. “You’re enough. You don’t have to prove anything to us, or anyone else. You’re so... amazing, hyung. You do so much for us, and we love you so much. We love you so much.”
“I j-just want to b-be better-”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Minho’s heart was shattering with every sob that left Chan’s body. “You’re only human. You’re allowed to be human. You’re allowed to rely on us the way we rely on you - that’s what friends are for, right? You can’t work yourself to your breaking point then get upset when you break... you’re allowed to be upset, and overwhelmed.”
“I’m so tired...” Chan whispered, his voice rough and empty.
“Do you want to take a nap with me?”
“I can’t,” his throat stung, and it was only partially from the throwing up. “I-I have too much I have to do... I have to- I have to finish my essay and redo this assignment, and-and I have to apologize to- I have to apologize to Hyunjin for being a piece of fucking shit-”
“Nope, we’re not doing that right now,” Minho cut him off. He stood, pulling Chan up with him. “We’re going to bed.”
“Minho, I can’t-”
“Hyung, you just puked up your weight in soju and soaked my shirt,” Minho frowned, already tugging Chan towards his bedroom. Chan whimpered as the younger boy listed his faults. “You’re not okay, and I’m not going to let you get worse... If you nap with me now, I’ll help you with your essay and assignment when we wake up, deal?”
“Really?” Chan hated how small he sounded.
“Really,” Minho pushed Chan onto the bed, waiting for the older boy to curl up under the blanket before crawling in after him. He pulled Chan to his chest again, wrapping his arms around him the way he always did for Minho. He hoped Chan felt as safe and warm as he did when the older boy held him. “You don’t have to do everything alone. We’re always here for you, hyung. No matter what.”
“Thank you Min,” Chan sniffled. “I love you.”
“I love you too, hyung,” Minho pressed a soft kiss to Chan’s forehead. “We all do.”
Chan melted into Minho’s warmth, his eyes suddenly too heavy to keep open.
“I’m running to the store,” Chan sighed, pushing away from the table. Minho looked up from the paper he was writing, taking a moment to absorb what the older boy had said. “Do you want anything?”
“Whichever energy drink has the most caffeine,” Minho said, sounding exhausted. They had been working for about three hours now, having set up their computers and notebooks after they had eaten the lovely lunch Minho had made for them. He had been happy that Chan had gotten about three extra hours of sleep, but it didn’t really seem to do much to help the older boy’s mental state. “And, uh... munchies.”
“Chips?”
“Mm, chips.” Minho yawned, rubbing his face roughly.
“Rodger,” Chan stood and stretched. “Text me if you want anything else.”
He closed his laptop and went to his room to grab his wallet before heading out. He wanted snacks, but he also just needed to get out and walk. He was starting to feel claustrophobic sitting at the coffee table in his living room, the walls getting closer and the air getting staler with every passing moment.
The moment he was alone, the pressure started to press down on him again. What the fuck was wrong with him? How could he break down like that in front of Minho? How could he show all his cracks and breaks? He was supposed to be the one who had his shit together. He was the one that was supposed to help the others keep their shit together.
How could they look up to him if he was shattering under the weight of his own mistakes?
“Welcome, let me know if you need any help.” The worker said as he pushed through the door, not looking up from her phone. He didn’t blame her - he would probably go stir crazy working at a convenience store.
He hummed, acknowledging the girl, before going over to the drink cooler. He zeroed in on the energy drinks, scanning the nutrition label of each to see which had the highest caffeine count. He knew he should probably promote Minho drinking more water, but he found he was too tired to really care in that moment. One energy drink wouldn’t kill him.
He paused.
Two for four?
That’s a... very persuasive deal.
He promised himself he would try to avoid getting addicted to caffeine the way his friends were. It was one of the easy traps he knew he would fall into, and he wanted to prevent it for as long as possible.
But they had mango.
Chan grabbed four cans, each a different flavor.
One for Minho, three for him.
The cashier didn’t blink as she scanned his things, putting the drinks into one bag and the chips into another. He swiped his ID and thanked her before leaving again. The moment he stepped out of the store, he dug into the bag and grabbed a random can.
Cracking it open, he knew for a fact that this was going to be the start of a dangerous new love.
It was ice cold and fizzy and Chan instantly felt a rush through his system as it hit his stomach. He understood why Jisung and the others were so obsessed with these - they tasted like something alcohol should be mixed with.
It was delicious.
By the time he was slipping his shoes off, he had already finished his first can.
“You’re back quick.” Minho said, not looking up from his laptop.
“Mm, here’s your munchies.” Chan smiled softly as he handed Minho his can and bag of chips. Minho took them with a loving pout, instantly cracking the can open and taking a long sip before sighing happily.
“Shit that hits perfectly,” He took a deep breath. “Alright, let’s get back into it.”
“You should take a break,” Chan frowned a little. “You’ve been working too long.”
“Lemme finish this drink and then I’ll go shower,” Minho yawned. “How’s your assignment going?”
“Good, I think,” Chan slumped back to the ground, resting his back against the couch and stretching his legs out under the table. He had finished his essay and submitted it with very little editing. He just wanted to get it out of the way. He barely cared any more. “I at least figured out what I did wrong the first time.”
“That’s good.”
“Mm, but now I’m even more confused because the wording of the prompt is stupid and I hate it.” He crossed his legs and rested his forehead on the table.
“When do you have to have it in by?”
“Tonight.”
“Shit.”
“Shit indeed,” Chan let out a heavy breath before grabbing his own drink. “I just... need to get through this...”
“Are you drinking a fuckin’ Monster?” Minho blinked, sitting up in shock.
“It was bound to happen.” Chan kept his eyes glued to his screen as he took a sip and placed the can on the table.
“Hyung-”
“Can you proofread this for me when I’m done?”
“Sure...” Minho trailed off, frowning. He was worried, but what could he do? It was clear the older boy was determined, and he never really listened to anyone when he got like this. It was scary, watching Chan self destruct.
Chan typed away, not noticing the concerned look on Minho’s face.
Monday
“Chan? Can I see you after class?” His professor said, breaking him from the nothingness of his thoughts. He hadn’t been able to pay attention to anything happening in the lecture, and he knew it was going to come back and bite him in the ass. How many classes had he missed notes in because he just... couldn’t focus?
His stomach sank but he nodded without a word.
The rest of the class began to pack up, but Chan hesitated. He took his time putting his things away as the classroom emptied out. As soon as the final students started to filter from the room, he went up to the front where the professor was still at her computer.
“You wanted to see me?” He said, trying to keep his voice level. His hands were shaking, but he wasn’t sure if that was from the anxiety, or from the last Monster he had drank on an empty stomach before class started.
“Chan, I’m worried about you,” She said, looking at Chan with a frown. “You’ve been... you’ve been acting really out of character for the last few classes... if there’s anything I can do, or anything the counselling center could help with-”
“Thank you professor, but I swear I’m fine,” Chan smiled, but it was heavy. “I’ve just been a little overwhelmed with classes and stuff...”
“Mm, if you need to adjust any of our due dates, just email me okay? I can be flexible if you need me to.”
“If I need an extension, I’ll let you know,” Chan’s smile softened a little. He really did adore this professor. She was one of his favorite teachers. “I really appreciate it.”
“Do... is there anything you want to talk about?”
“I’m good, thank you though,” The tension was back. “I have to get to work, actually.”
“Chan... don’t push yourself too hard.” She frowned.
Crack-
“I’ll do my best,” A lie. “I’ll see you on Wednesday, professor.”
“Mm, see you Wednesday.” She watched Chan leave with a frown. This wasn’t the first time she’s watched someone as bright and talented as Chan burn himself out, and she was terrified of losing another student.
“Chan, thanks for coming in on such short notice,” Hyunwoo said as the younger boy pushed his way into the back to change. “You know I hate calling you in on your days off...”
“It’s okay hyung,” Chan said with a smile, pretending he hadn’t almost cried that morning when he had been asked to take a last second shift. “It’s only until Kihyun hyung comes in, right?”
“Mm, just three hours.” The older man smiled, relieved that Chan was so reliable. He could always count on Chan to be there when he was desperate.
Though he was getting worried. Changkyun told him about Chan’s breakdown the other day. He had been trying to give the student less shifts for that exact reason - he didn’t want to overwork Chan, but when Hyungwon called out with a stomach bug, he needed a last minute someone to cover the shift.
“Welcome! What can I get started for you?” Chan asked the student at the counter.
His just needed to get through his shift, then he could-
“Excuse me? I asked for soy milk, but I think you gave me whole milk.”
“Hey, I said light roast with cream. I don’t even know what this is!”
“Sir? I think you put caramel in my coffee... I asked for butter toffee...”
“Is this your first day? Is that why you can’t do your fucking job-”
Chan dropped the mug he was holding. The ceramic shattered on the floor, soaking his shoes in steaming milk. The café fell silent at the sound, all eyes trained on him. Chan, however, was staring blankly at the machine, the man at the counter still scowling at him for messing up his order.
“Chan? Is everything alright?” Hyunwoo came out from the back, drawn from his task of icing the pastries by the sound of something breaking. He instantly took in the scene and went to stand between Chan and the customer. “Is there a problem?”
“Yeah! The problem is that this retard can’t make a simple cup of coffee-”
“Get out,” Hyunwoo growled, his face twisting in anger. The man’s face went slack in shock before he swallowed thickly. He opened his mouth, as if to argue, when Hyunwoo’s scowl darkened. “I said get out of my shop and never come back. No one talks to my employees like that. Understood?”
“Whatever,” The man spat, his ears and neck turning red in embarrassment. “The coffee here is ass anyway.”
“Chan? Can you hear me?” Hyunwoo turned to Chan, who hadn’t moved. The boy was trembling violently, his eyes wide and unseeing. He was concerningly pale, and Hyunwoo was genuinely worried he was going to have to catch the younger boy if he collapsed.
“Hyung... I’m sorry...” He whispered, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. “I-I-I’m s-sorry...”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Hyunwoo pulled Chan into the back. “Are you hurt?”
Chan shook his head. He could feel the burns on the soles of his feet from the scalding milk, but he didn’t mention it. He was fine. He was fine.
“Why don’t you go home?” Hyunwoo suggested gently. “Kihyun’s shift starts in half an hour. I can handle the café on my own until then.”
“But-”
“But nothing,” He placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Your health comes before anything else. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Chan stared at his hands, desperately trying to focus hard enough to make them stop shaking so badly. It didn’t work. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his apartment and curl up under his blankets and pretend he didn’t exist for a few hours, but he had responsibilities - he had things he needed to do.
“Chan, seriously,” Hyunwoo used his hyung voice. “Please. Go home, take a shower. Get something to eat and take a nap if you need it... just- just take care of yourself.”
“Alright...” Chan felt like he was giving up, but the look of relief on Hyunwoo’s face was enough to convince him that maybe he was making the right choice.
“Get home safe, okay?”
“Okay...” Chan felt numb. Hyunwoo patted the top of his head before smiling and going back to the counter. Chan felt numb. He changed out of his uniform and back into his regular clothes. Chan felt numb. He left the café, ignoring the eyes glued to him as he went.
God he was tired. His feet were sore. He wanted to sleep. He wanted...
He didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
He didn’t know... anything.
“Hyung?” A voice called, but he continued to shuffle towards his apartment. He didn’t stop until someone grabbed his wrist and tugged him off the path. “Hyung?”
“Hyunjin?” He blinked, finally noticing who was looking at him.
“Are you okay?” Concern painted the younger boy’s features.
“Hyunjin...” His eyes stung. God, why was he such a fuck up-
Before Hyunjin could say anything, he was being pulled into a tight hug.
He had noticed Chan walking listlessly down the path. He knew the older boy was supposed to be working, because he had texted the chat about his new schedule after Felix asked if anyone was free to get dinner with him. So why was Chan not at work?
He realized something was wrong when Chan ignored his calls. He raced over and grabbed the older boy’s wrist, only to feel his stomach sink at the dead look in his friend’s eye as he stared at the ground.
He knew something was dangerously wrong when Chan hugged him tight, instantly feeling hot wetness soaking into his shoulder as Chan cried silently into his shirt.
“Hyung...” His own throat stung as he rubbed Chan’s back.
He wanted to be upset, because he hadn’t spoken to the older boy since he had been stood up, but there was something about Chan’s slumped shoulders that made it hard to stay mad.
“Jinnie... I’m s-s-so sorry...” He whimpered, gripping onto Hyunjin’s shirt harshly.
“I-”
“I’m sorry...” He pulled away, scrubbing the tears from his blotchy cheeks. Hyunjin’s heart shattered at the desolate look in the older boy’s eye. “I sh-should go...”
“Wait-” Before Hyunjin could stop him, Chan was walking away.
Chan rushed back to his apartment, his mind swirling dangerously.
He couldn’t fucking breathe-
Minho wasn’t home. Chan didn’t know what he would do if he had to confront his roommate.
No, he knew exactly what would happen. He would instantly break down again and burden Minho with needing to comfort him. The younger boy didn’t deserve that. He was so busy with his showcase, and his classes. He had just barely finished his work the day before, and he shouldn’t have to push his own responsibilities away just to care for Chan, someone who was supposed to have his shit together.
He threw his phone onto his bed and went to the bathroom. He felt like he was suffocating - the air was getting thin and his skin was getting tight and he was losing his grip on himself.
He felt like he was floating. He couldn’t feel the water when he stepped in. Was it too hot? Was it too cold?
Was he just too numb?
He was so fucking tired.
Crack-
Chan sobbed, letting the shower wash his tears away. He just wanted a break but he couldn’t because he had classes and responsibilities and he was tired of having so many fucking responsibilities...
Why couldn’t he just...
Be him?
Why did he have to pull himself thin all the time? He loved his friends, but he was so tired. He wanted them to be okay, and to be happy, but he was so fucking tired. He didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this. They always told him they could handle things on their own, if only he’d let them. They told him it was fine if he needed to take a break. They told him they were fine on their own...
But what if something happened? He was supposed to take care of them. If something happened, it would be his fault.
Just like it was his fault that Hyunjin got hurt.
Just like it was his fault that he couldn’t help them study more.
Just like it was his fault that he wasn’t strong enough.
He let out a shuddering breath. Why couldn’t he just be good enough?
Minho came home to the smell of cigarette smoke. Frowning, he slipped off his shoes and looked around, instantly finding the source of the smell.
Chan was sitting by the window of the living room, the window itself open side and bowl filled with ashes and cigarette butts on the sill. Chan was sleeping, his head pillowed in his arms, which were folded on the sill next to the bowl.
It was clear Chan had been crying, but Minho couldn’t tell how long the older boy had been sleeping there. The cigarette between his fingers was only half burnt and cold, the boy’s breathing raspy.
“Hyung?” When did Chan start smoking? When did things get this bad? Why hadn’t any of them noticed how close Chan was to his breaking point?
“Hng- Minho?” Chan grumbled, waking up with a start. He frowned and tossed the rest of his cigarette into the bowl, still not entirely understanding the situation. “When did you get home...?”
“Just now,” Minho bit the inside of his cheek. “How... how long have you been sleeping here?”
“Too long,” Chan stood, both boys wincing at how his body cracked and creaked. “I should- fuck, I need to text Sung and Bin about our p-project...”
He cut himself off with a yawn, popping his jaw in the process.
“Hyung, why don’t you just go to bed?”
“Have too much to do...”
“Hyung...”
“Make sure you get something to eat, yeah?” Chan offered a tired smile before grabbing the bowl of ash and going to his room, leaving Minho alone.
“Hyung, what the fuck are you doing to yourself...” His throat stung.
Chan was breaking right in front of their eyes, and there was nothing they could do.
Tuesday
Chan rolled over and turned his alarm off but made no move to sit up.
He just couldn’t do it.
He was too tired.
This was a different kind of tired. Instead of feeling like his bones were being pressed into dust, he felt as though he had no control over his body. No matter how hard he screamed at himself to get up and get ready for the day, he found he couldn’t move.
Chan stared at his wall, unable to even turn back around to curl under his blankets again. He could hear Minho’s alarm in the next room over. He hoped Minho wouldn’t come check on him. He couldn’t handle talking to someone.
He couldn’t handle existing at the moment.
Tears soaked into his blanket. He barely breathed as he cried silently, his eyes unable to look away from his wall. Blinking was too much work. He was so fucking tired but he couldn’t go back to sleep. Sleeping was too much work.
He lost track of time. How long had he been staring at the wall? His legs were tingling from not moving for so long but he didn’t want to shift. Minho had left the apartment a little while ago, but Chan wasn’t sure just how long ago that was. His stomach growled but he couldn’t move.
His phone dinged.
Are we still on for tutoring?
It was the student he helped with biology on Tuesdays. He helped the boy every Tuesday from nine to nine forty five, just before his ten o’clock class. He had never missed a session since he had been asked to help the boy, back in the beginning of the semester, yet he checked the time and saw it was already nine fifteen.
Sorry. Not feeling great today, let's try again next week.
Typing was exhausting. The moment he hit send, tears started rolling down his cheeks.
Why was he such a disappointment?
Why did he always fuck things up?
All he ever did was let people down. All he ever did was disappoint his friends. Why?
Why?
Crack-
Why?
Crack-
Why?
“Hyung?” A knock at his door. He sobbed harder. How long had he been crying? His head pounded and his face felt too tight.
Why?
“I’m coming in...”
Crack-
“Channie hyung?” Jisung pushed his way into the dark bedroom.
Crack-
No, Jisung couldn’t see him like this.
“Are you awake?
Crack-
None of them could see him like this. They would be so disappointed in him.
“Hyung please, we just want to make sure you’re okay...”
Crack-
“We’re worried about you.”
Crack-
“Changbin hyung said he went to meet you after class but you didn’t show up...”
C r a c k-
“Please... just let us help you...”
C
R
A
C
K
“J-Jisung-” He choked on his sobs.
“Hyung...” Jisung crawled into Chan’s bed and curled around the older boy, holding him close.
Chan felt himself shatter.
His sobs turned to screams as he cried into Jisung’s chest, barely even comprehending the nonsense comforts that the younger boy whispered to him.
Why?
Why was he like this?
Why couldn’t he just be stronger?
“You’re okay,” Another voice whispered. The bed dipped as another body crawled onto the mattress. “Shh, you’re alright hyung.”
“I have the water bottle.”
“Want me to make something to eat?
“Does he need tissues?”
There were so many voices, all so thick with concern.
Why was he like this?
He needed to be stronger. He needed to be able to take care of them, not the other way around... they shouldn’t have to be the ones taking care of him. He needed to get his shit together! He was letting them down with every second he let himself be so weak.
He let down the boy he tutored. He let Hyunjin down. He let Jisung and Changbin down. He let Jeongin down. He let Seungmin and Felix down. He let Minho down.
He was such a disappointment. He couldn’t do anything right. All he did was fuck things up and make things harder for the others because he was a piece of shit-
“Hyung!” Something smacked his cheek. The sudden sting made him blink.
“Why would you hit him?” Seungmin snapped, pulling Jeongin away from Chan.
“He was having a panic attack!” The younger boy defended himself. “We need him to focus.”
“Innie...?” Chan’s broken voice instantly drew everyone’s attention.
“Hyung!” They all sprung towards him.
“Here, have some water,” Hyunjin offered Chan the bottle. It was chilled under his touch and the sudden cold made him jump a little. “It’s okay hyung. I can get you another if you want.”
“Drink your water hyung,” Minho sat next to him, rubbing his back. He sipped from the bottle, having to breathe through his mouth between swallows because of how stuffy his nose was from the crying. “You’re gonna be okay.”
“Here hyung.” Changbin said softly, handing Chan a plush bunny. Chan took it with his free hand and held it close to his chest, rubbing his cheek against its fuzzy head.
“Don’t crowd him,” Felix murmured, gesturing for them to step back. Jisung and Minho stayed on the bed, Chan wedged between them. “Do you need anything Chrissy?”
“No... I’m okay...” His throat hurt.
“Water, hyung,” Minho prompted softly, still rubbing his back. “We can order take out later, yeah?”
“Mm...” Talking was exhausting.
“Okay, sounds good,” Minho smiled. A responsive Chan was a good sign. “We’re so proud of you Channie... Thank you for letting us take care of you.”
“I’m sorry...”
“You don’t have to apologize hyung,” Jisung rested his cheek on Chan’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around the older boy’s waist. “We just want you to be okay.”
“We’re gonna stay with you, okay?” Seungmin stood in front of Chan and cupped the older boy’s face gently. “You don’t have to be alone.”
Chan didn’t realize how much he needed to hear that until he did. A single tear ran down his cheek, collecting along Seungmin’s hand and dripping down his wrist.
“Hyung.” Minho reminded him gently.
“Right...” Chan nodded and sipped at his bottle again.
“I’ll email your professors while we wait for the food, okay?” Seungmin offered. “I have a template already typed up from when I skipped class last week.”
“You shouldn’t skip class.” Chan’s mouth quirked up a little.
“Hey hyung,” Jisung pulled Chan’s attention again. “I wanted to rewatch that one playthrough of Pokémon Fire Red. Wanna watch with me?”
“...Sure Sungie,” Chan smiled weakly. “If you want.”
“Let’s all move to the living room then,” Minho crawled off the bed, holding a hand out to help Chan stand. “The room is a lil cramped with all of us shoved in here.”
Chan let Minho pull him to his feet, not letting go as he was led towards the living room.
The others followed after them. Jisung went to set up his computer as Seungmin, Jeongin, and Hyunjin helped carry the extra blankets and pillows out with them. Felix grabbed one of the many menus that were stuck to the fridge with a magnet and passed it around for the others to mark their orders as they set up a little nest for them all to hide in.
Chan watched them work as he sat on the couch, his entire body feeling heavy but somehow his chest felt... light.
“Come here, hyung.” Hyunjin pulled Chan into the nest.
“I’m so sorry Jinnie... I’m such a bad hyung,” Chan whispered, almost as though he were afraid Hyunjin would hit him. “I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay,” Hyunjin’s heart broke. “I’m- I’m not upset anymore... yeah, I was a little upset at first but it’s okay. I know how stressed you’ve been... I know I wouldn’t be able to remember everything you do, and you do a thousand times more than I do.”
“It’s still not okay that I-”
“Shut up, hyung,” Hyunjin covered Chan’s mouth. Chan’s eyes flew open in shock, staring up at the younger boy. Hyunjin smiled softly and bopped the older boy on the top of the head. “Stop apologizing. We all make mistakes. It... it doesn’t make us bad people. It just makes us human.”
“Still-”
“Still nothing,” Jisung teased, squeezing in next to Chan and latching onto him like an octopus. “There’s nothing to apologize for. We’re all here together and that’s what matters.”
“You don’t have to do anything alone, hyung,” Changbin sat to Jisung’s side. “I know how hard you try to take on everyone by yourself, but you don’t have to. We’ll always be here for you.”
“The order is placed,” Minho announced, returning to the living room. “They’re gonna deliver it to the lobby in about an hour.”
“I wanna cuddle...” Felix whined, pushing Jisung away and straddling Chan, wrapping himself around the older boy completely. Jisung whined but allowed Felix to wrap his arms and legs around their friend.
“Lix...” Chan hummed, returning the tight hug. It felt... like he was home.
“Here hyung, this’ll help get your sugar up.” Seungmin carefully nudged Felix to get him to sit up so he could hand Chan a mug of tea. Chan took it gratefully. It was almost too hot against his palms, but the faint pain helped ground him.
“I grabbed your bunny,” Jeongin came back from Chan’s bedroom, the rabbit from Changbin held in his arms. Chan felt his eyes burning a little as he reached out for it. Jeongin smiled as he handed the plush over, sitting on the ground and pulling Felix into his own lap so Chan could hold both his mug and his bunny. “Do you need anything else?”
“No... thank you.” Chan muttered, cuddling the rabbit close to his face again.
Jisung nudged Chan and curled into the older boy’s side, taking turns putting chips in Chan’s mouth then his own as the first episode of the playthrough started. Chan allowed himself to be fed, finding the commentary was instantly amusing. No wonder Jisung liked these guys so much - their humor was right up his alley.
He knew they were going to make him talk soon, but for the time being he was content to just sit with his friends.
Monday
“You’re looking better today,” Chan’s professor said as the class filtered out. Chan chuckled a little, rubbing the back of his head. “I missed you in class on Wednesday.”
“I felt bad for skipping, but... I needed a few days to get my head back together again, you know?” His smile dropped a fraction. His friends had basically put him on lockdown for the rest of that week, ditching the classes and responsibilities that they could in order to stay by his side.
As he expected, they had a nice, long talk with him about the dangers of pushing himself too far. Minho had confronted him about the smoking, and offered to help Chan quit if he wanted to. Part of Chan wanted to quit, but another part was afraid of losing what few coping mechanisms he actually had.
Minho hadn’t seemed disappointed when Chan hesitated, which made the guilt eating away at his chest lessen a little.
“That’s good to hear,” She smiled warmly at him. She had been painfully relieved when the boy walked into her classroom with a smile and a faint flush on his cheeks. He had been so pale and withdrawn that she had been genuinely worried for his health. “I know the school pushes attendance, but sometimes we need a few days to gather ourselves. I hope none of your other professors gave you a hard time about it.”
“Thankfully they understood,” Chan chuckled, his face lighting up in a soft grin, “They said the same thing you did...”
“You have a lot of people who care about you,” She glanced over his shoulder, smirking a little at the several faces that were peeking through the open door. “And you probably shouldn’t keep those people waiting.”
“Huh?” Chan turned to follow her eyes and let out a bright laugh.
“Hyung! Come on!” Felix called over.
“Minho hyung saved us a table and he’s bitching that we left him all alone.” Jisung added, checking his phone.
“I’ll see you on Wednesday, Chan.” His professor chuckled as he waved and jogged over to his friends.
“About time.” Hyunjin slung his arm over Chan’s shoulders as he exited the lecture hall.
“Leave him alone,” Jeongin slipped his hand into Chan’s, lacing their fingers together and swinging their arms between them as they walked. “Minho hyung is just bitching. He’s fine being alone for like, ten minutes.”
“Tell that to Minho hyung,” Changbin snickered, checking the groupchat. Chan just had to peek over the younger boy’s shoulder to see the string of exaggeratedly upset texts from their missing friend. “He sounds about ten seconds away from disowning us.”
“He still owes me from last semester,” Seungmin snorted as they pushed their way out of the building and started the short but nice walk to the student center, where Minho was apparently wasting away without them. “He wouldn’t dare.”
“What does he owe you from?” Jisung asked, furrowing his brows a little.
“That’s for me and hyung to know,” Seungmin said with a smirk. “And for you to never find out.”
“Ominous...” Chan muttered, earning a chorus of laughs.
The pressure weighing down on him wasn’t gone, but now he wasn’t shouldering the burden on his own. He was no longer Atlas - he had seven other sets of arms helping him hold the world up.
The pressure wasn’t completely gone, but it was light enough to give him a chance to heal.