Chapter Text
Changbin has been involved with multiple weddings in his 38 years of life.
Most of them were as a guest. All excited for food and pleasantries. Two hour visits maximum and no pre-planning of his attire. Anything would do, he was not the main star of the event. Not even remotely close. Neighbors, distant friends, colleagues, old schoolmates, medical college peers. Weddings where attendance did not matter and he could leave by choice.
Then there were weddings where he was a part of. Close relatives, cousins, friends. Where he had no time to fuss around his attire even though there would have been some eyes on him. He still wasn't the main star. Maybe a helper, maybe a groomsman. Maybe a ring bearer. Maybe the officiator.
But, now, he is going to be the main star. A center that most of the guests and helpers would focus on. Intently.
A fate he never assumed he would face.
Marriage is not something he loathes despite being the lonely figure everyone assumes he is. It's the fact that he no longer believes in love or reunion of souls or whatever fantasies they try to sell through books and movies.
Weddings, on the other hand, are a waste of time and money. A compromise to make people around him happy. Who cares if the two souls that are apparently getting tied up are happy or not.
But considering everything, Changbin is still in a better place. He is not the one working non-stop, interacting with a thousand other affiliates to make his 'small wedding' a success. It's his mother. She is taking care of everything, down right to his wedding suit. And Hyunjin's, of course.
Wow, if you would have told him that he would be getting married to Hyunjin, Changbin would have laughed at your face.
He can no longer do that.
It's a funny reality.
Their names are written in silver on a dusty blue background. Together . Wedding invites. The most expensive ones. Done and distributed.
Hyunjin is nothing but over the moon. No, it's not the feelings. They have tried kissing once or twice, it's really not their thing. Their marriage is going to be an open game, for a foreseeable future.
Free to go around, free to come back.
Hyunjin is not the one to be tied down and Changbin is not going to do that to him for sure. He is a good friend and Changbin would like to keep this friend for sure.
They are through with their final fittings. April 25th is by the corner. It's a mad rush through everything.
And Changbin feels suffocated.
Love isn't love, it's a fierce race to control your feelings.
A wedding without love.
Empty, a carcass. A hollow mass of the person he was before.
All his life, he has been doing things for others. Living for others, putting people before him, playing a role he never fit in.
And it's all coming down to him in rolls.
A burden.
It might be just a ring exchange and signed certificates. But it's the hollowness of everything that is killing him.
He was 17 when he stopped being excited for his birthday. Because his little brother's birthday was more important than his own.
He was 19 when he gave up on his unruly life, dedicating to his family.
He was 30 when he gave up on a person he really thought he loved.
He is going to be 38 when he will give up his soul to make his mother and the society happy.
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"Oh my God, I'm so excited for Sunday! Like it's gonna be so awesome with your family and my friends around. You have no idea how much I was coddled by auntie Jihun today. They messed up my hair a little too much."
"Don't pout. I know you loved the attention."
"Hell yeah! They are nice people. Leave them to me, I think I can handle your family just fine."
"I know. They love you."
"Who doesn't love me, duh. By the way, your mother is gifting me some jewelry, is it okay if I take it?"
"Why are you asking me? She offered it to you."
"You know what, you are right. Why am I asking? I can finally be the gold digger I always dreamt to be. Let me ask auntie Jihun, Oksun and Keeso if they are willing to write some papers off for their lovely son-in-law. All those hair and cheek pulling should result in something. Thanks for being there for me, my sugar daddy."
"You are right."
"I knew you weren't paying attention."
"What?"
"Ugh, don't. I don't like being soft."
"Huh?"
"What's wrong, Changbin? You are very out of it. I mean not that I was looking at you all the time."
"What are you talking about? I'm okay."
"Yeah and I'm the President of South Korea. And no, not the old one, please. You don't have to tell me. Directly. I have my ways."
"Seungmin."
"And more. Tsk, you underestimate my detective skills."
"I'm scared to marry you."
"Naah, you are scared of me on regular days too. Whether you admit it or not, it's a different thing altogether."
"I'm okay. Really."
"And I heard you. Now bye, I have so much stuff to take care of."
"Bye."
---------------
When mother went to the island to pick oysters,
The baby was left to go, stay in the house alone.
Ebb and flow of tidal waves sounds like lullaby,
The baby fell asleep with his elbow as a pillow.
When the baby's in his deep nap, all seem peaceful.
Yet, noisy hoot seagulls make mother's heart anxiously,
Not minding half empty basket, carrying it on her head,
Mother ran to her baby, stepped on a hot sandy road.
Changbin can identify that scent anywhere.
Years pass by, and it's been the same.
Tatami and flowers.
Strong and feminine.
Like his mother.
The courtyard of his family home is open and airy. Slightly chilly. Nothing to jerk his bones off. It's only been 30 minutes, even the flies aren't out yet.
But that did not stop his mother from bringing in a blanket for him. A light quilt, traditional just like his childhood home.
When Changbin was younger, he would run to the back of his home to hide behind the canisters. Tiny enough to vanish from the sight. The soot would then cover his frame and the cough would follow. It would be paired with his mother scolding him while his father washed his dirty clothes in the washing arena near the handpump.
A single child with no one else to play with. Making scenarios in the head. Singing out loud.
She would then sing Changbin lullabies. Tales of kings and queens. Of animals and birds. Him being small enough to cover her lap. Her fingers on his scalp. Cicadas singing in the background.
Melodies.
When mother went to the island to pick oysters,
The baby was left to go, stay in the house alone.
Ebb and flow of tidal waves sounds like lullaby,
The baby fell asleep with his elbow as a pillow.
It wasn't just him who was forced to grow up fast. It was his mother too, who had a toddler with her. She sacrificed just as much as she did, if not more.
Changbin can never resent her for having happy dreams for him.
If only all this was organic.
His mother doesn't even know about Jisung. Neither the getting together, nor the fallout. Changbin purposely kept it from her. He kept on assuring her he was busy. And he was.
Jisung had just happened. Somewhere in the middle.
Changbin is truly pathetic to be living his past. It's neither the time nor occasion to do it. He is tired.
Really tired.
"Here."
"Thanks, Maa."
The blanket is soft. Made from old clothes. Rugs. The comfort of the past.
His mother doesn't leave then. Changbin had expected that.
"Come. Sit."
It's not chilly, but his mother is warm. He has half the urge to crawl in her lap and cry his heart out. But he is a grown up, twice the size of his frail mother.
Even if it's just for today, he really wants to shrink back to his childhood days. A 7 year old hiding behind canisters, looking for cat siblings.
There's no hard rule that you cannot cry when you are older. But the expectations others put on you solely push you to put your emotions aside. Crying is for the weak.
Fuck.
"Changbinnie, son, are you happy?"
Changbin has no answers.
What would he even say?
Sacrifices kill you. They do. They killed him. His soul.
He can't do this.
He really can't.
--------------
Hyunjin : now, before you tell me. its fine! im losing nothing, you are losing nothing. we are as chill as the champagne in my wine fridge. dont be a grumpy
Me : I'm sorry, Hyunjin
Hyunjin : wtf, you are saying as you cheated on me and thats why this happened. ill find another dick to mooch off dw
Me : Hyunjin…
Hyunjin : what? too vulgar? dont be a prude. we've banged before
Me : Shut up
Me : And thank you
Hyunjin : 🤢🤢
Me : Haha
Me : Come home someday, Mom would love meeting you
Hyunjin : of course!
Hyunjin : im her fav not-son-in-law
Hyunjin : lol sorry
Me : You are impossible
Hyunjin : you love me anyway~
Hyunjin : now no replies im busy
Hyunjin : bye!
-------------
Months pass. And for the first time in years, Changbin is not running on an invisible countdown.
He has time for himself. A much needed paid duration, a vacation time for him and him alone.
It might be September, but the rains are not loud in this part of the world. Paris is beautiful and extravagant. A lover's palace they say.
He is also learning to love again.
Starting with himself.
Baguettes and wines. One night and several. The dimmed skies and bicycle rides.
Kisses and raves.
Meeting people without labels. Languages.
High on world.
High on happiness.
One step at a time.
---------------
It's a strange day. Winters have just started but Seungmin is looking pretty sweaty. As if he just completed a marathon.
It's 7 in the morning. Just the time for their breakfast. Normal people could run a marathon at this time. Seungmin is not one of them.
The marmalade is dry on his brother's toast. Yet, he is adding more and more to it.
Alarming.
Seungmin dislikes orange marmalade. And he is playing with it right now.
"Seungmin."
No response. The knife action doesn't stop.
"Seo Seungmin!"
His brother shakes a little. Changbin now feels bad about raising his voice. But it worked. Seungmin has snapped out of his fixation and is avoiding his eyes like anything.
"What's up?"
"Uh..good. I think I'm done. I...I'll leave for the University."
"Wait. I'll take you."
"Hmm.."
23 years and Changbin knows his brother is nervous and not looking forward to their ride. But he did not refuse as well.
It takes them another half an hour to get dressed and ready for the main event. Changbin is nervous too, he really hopes Seungmin is okay and it isn't anything serious.
They belt up and he starts the engine. The car park is usually full at this time. His apartment building is full of 9-5 office-goers.
Siri is speaking in the background as the city passes by. The University is not far, but Changbin is stalling the drop by using a far longer route.
"I'm sorry."
The voice is so low, he had almost missed it.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"3rd sem papers. I don't think I can do Physics."
Oh, it's Physics.
"What do you want to do, Seungmin? No, no. I'm not angry. I'm just asking."
Seungmin is still not looking at him.
"I..I wanted to be like you….. To help with…"
And then it dawns on Changbin. His stomach drops to the ground. It's pure reflex and his years of driving skills that gets him to pull on the roadside.
It's not just him and his mother.
His brother is making sacrifices too. To fend for the family, to be someone he would be proud of.
And he is so wrong.
Oh God.
Changbin breathes out, sharp. A pain shooting through his chest. He unties the seatbelt for some relief.
He can hear sobs. Low, repressed.
"Hey, Min. Look at me."
It's hesitant but Seungmin looks at him finally. Eyes watery.
"Min, I'm always proud of you, okay? You don't like Physics, skip it. Choose something you like. Do whatever makes you happy. Don't ever think like that, okay? Mom & I only want to see you happy."
"Hyung…"
"Come here."
His brother is so much bigger now, but he will forever be Changbin's little baby. He remembers those pink hands and feet. Small face. A little boy he spent sleepless nights with. When did he grow so big? He doesn't even fit his full hug now.
Changbin might regret a lot of things, but he would never regret having Seungmin in his life.
--------------
Seasons change, and Changbin finally, finally finds the guts to switch clinics. Hubarro Dentals is his past which he hung on for a long period of time.
Kim Sum Clinic is multi-specialty but equally welcoming.
A much needed change.
It's not just the run-ins with Jisung and Hyunjin that made him switch. He had been doing that for decades, he would certainly have done for longer.
But was that the future he was looking for?
No.
If the last months teach him something, it was that don't linger. Don't create misfortune for yourself. Forgive and block. An escape route. But he hardly has a lot of years to live to care about consequences. He would rather live those years in peace. Not walking on eggshells.
Hyunjin had let him go with a side hug and a lot of snide remarks. Expected. But Changbin knows his soft sides now. He knows Hyunjin has been blaming himself for everything. And that he really loves Changbin's family.
Chan got him the biggest bottle of wine he could find. A gag gift, but endearing enough.
Jisung was professional and gave him a handshake. Changbin is glad nothing else happened.
Hubarro held his youth, maybe Kim Sum will carry his midlife.
--------------
It's Changbin's third shot. Not dizzy yet. Too early for that. Age does teach you how to hold alcohol.
25th April.
He is celebrating today. Just by himself. Counter tabs and martini shots. Amazing combination.
Changbin never drinks to oblivion. That's his strongest suit. He has to go back home and prepare for Seungmin's birthday too. They have decided to hold it at their family home this time. A combined birthday celebration. A few family members and friends. No one else.
But tonight is his own.
Changbin feels a tap on his shoulder.
"Hey."
The face looks familiar but nothing clicks.
"I thought it was you."
Uh?
Oh.
The red silk shirt looks really beautiful on Minho. He looks sparkly with the disco lights shining on him. Sweaty. He must have been dancing.
"Hey Minho."
"Hey Changbin. It's been a long time, I guess."
Minho signals for a drink. Looks like Changbin won't be celebrating his birthday alone.
"I like their Martini. It's done well. Good choice."
"Thanks."
"By the way, I wanted to apologize."
"For?"
"I mean our last encounter wasn't worth all that mess. It was mostly me. I was stressed and somehow I went all sassy on you."
"It's no big deal, don't worry."
"So, found a life partner?"
"Naah."
"Wow, were our services that bad?"
"Hahhaha, no no. Just my luck..It's good though. Weddings aren't for me."
"Same. I mean, I work two jobs now. What makes them think I'll spend them on someone else's happiness?"
"Two jobs? Really?"
"Yup. Just doing whatever I want to, honestly. Life is too short for desk jobs with unhinged customers that shout at you."
"Hey!"
"Yada, yada. Be gay, do crimes."
"Haha, so what are you doing at the moment?"
"On a break! Like I serve at this bar, Friday and Weekends. But I can come and have a drink whenever. They won't stop me anyway."
"That's actually very cool."
"I know. So, Changbin, what are you up to these days?"
"Nothing. Brought a big change in my life and. You can say I'm happier now."
"That's not nothing. It's a change, come on. But yep, you don't look as fussy as before."
"Neither do you."
"Details, details."
"Actually, It's my birthday today."
"Fuck. Really? You should have told me, I could have gotten you a huge discount."
"Doesn't matter haha. You want a drink? Or snacks?"
"A dance. A birthday dance with the birthday boy. And a chance for me to properly apologize. I was so unprofessional."
"I told you, it's okay. And okay."
"Cool, let's go. Let's dance the night away!"
There's no end to happiness.
Maybe a start can happen anytime.
Unexpectedly.
"Happy birthday, Changbin!"
-------------
Minho : Get me some popcorn
Minho : We are watching Moana right?
Me : You don't have to do this
Minho : Comeon, Seungmin asked, I can never so no to him
Minho : And get me popcorn
Minho : Caramel
Minho : I'll be there in 10 minutes
Minho : Don't start without me OR ILL BURN YOUR KITCHEN
Me : Okay
------------
Minho : YOU GOT PROMOTED AND DID NOT TELL ME
Minho : I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS
Me : We are, idiot
Me : Pack up, let's go get some pizza
Minho : You are skipping your diet for once, nice
Me : You only have 30 minutes. Come or I'll ask someone else for the celebratory dinner
Minho : runinggggg
-----------
Me : Happy birthday, Minnie
Minho : I still can't believe I'm 30. I'm old now
Me : Haha, naah you are young
Me : Quick, tell me what you want as a gift
Minho : Ice cream!
Minho : Dont say anything
Me : Okay :)
--------------
Changbin is not wary of parties. But he is wary of parties that involve Jisung.
But it's Hyunjin's party.
And Hyunjin is his friend who would whine endlessly if he wouldn't attend it. Changbin would like to spare the headache.
Running into Jisung is inevitable anyway. And even Hyungseo, if his luck doesn't work.
He dresses up well, party shirt, slacks, dress shoes. Gels up his salt and pepper hair. And drives to the Moonbar ten minutes earlier than asked. A habit, hard to let go of.
If he is lucky, he will meet Hyunjin, hand over his birthday gift, feign a headache and call it a day.
But when has luck ever been on his side?
"Oh, hey Changbin."
"Hi Jisung. How are you?"
"I'm good. Wow, you are early."
"Yeah, have some places to be."
"Makes sense...see you then?"
"Yep, bye."
A bullet dodged. He hates this feeling. A baggage he should have long since dropped. But proper closure is something that they had thought they need not go for. What bullshit.
Now they are too late.
Eat, drink, leave.
Hyunjin is shining in his crisp white shirt with embellishments. The star of the night indeed.
He picks up his glass and knocks on it for attention. Truly movie style.
"Hello, ladies and friends. And you, don't whine -"
Hyunjin looks at his side, at a tall man with dark hair. He looks attractive and way way younger.
"- so where was I? Yeah, welcome to my birthday party. I have an announcement to make. I'm married. Meet my wife, Sora."
Fuck.
What?
Looks like it isn't just Changbin, the whole ballroom breaks into murmurs and cheers.
Changbin is more than shocked.
What?
Sora is the one sitting on his left. She is very pretty and perhaps Changbin's age. He really can't tell.
"And that's my son, Sanha. Say hi to everyone, San."
What the hell.
The man on the right is actually young then.
Hyunjin is really glowing, posing for the cameras with his family.
He found his happiness.
Changbin is happy for his friend, maybe a bit surprised because Hyunjin is the last one to think of settling down. Then again, he had longed for a family for so long. He got his own family to share everything with.
It's surreal and so beautiful.
Changbin has witnessed the same light in someone else's face too.
Dim screen and eyes on him.
He knows Minho has some feelings for him.
Maybe Changbin likes him too.
But he is afraid.
Very afraid.
Hyung, you can rely on me too. I might be young, but I know you go very hard on yourself. Give yourself a second chance. Ghosts of the past might never leave, if you won't let them leave, Hyung. What I'm saying is that you deserve love too. Don't let it slip from your hands.
-------------
Me : Minho, get ready
Me : I'll pick you up in 15 minutes
Minho : Suddenly?
Me : Yep, I have something for you
Minho : Should i be scared?
Me : Maybe
----------------
"Really?? I mean what the fuck Changbin? You scared the heck out of me."
"What? You really can't handle that? How would you handle me then?"
"I'm seriously not looking forward to it."
"Okay then, I take back what I said earlier."
"Wait, fuck. Ah, fuck."
"You curse a lot."
"Only when I'm nervous."
"So???"
"YES, YES. Obviously, yes!"
"Wait….I did not propose to you."
"I would never receive such a dry ass proposal anyway. But, oh my God. How the fuck?"
"I mean, technically?"
""No talking, kiss me, it's a command."
"Bye, I'm leavi---"
-------------
Dating Minho is like a fresh breath of air. Smooth, refreshing.
Untied.
He is not demanding. As free spirited as life would love. Not a burden but a blessing.
Changbin feels lighter when he is with Minho. Just calm and easy. They don't have to force anything. They do banter, fight. But they also make up and apologize.
It's comfortable.
Seungmin likes Minho too. Perhaps more than Changbin himself. The immense amount of biasness he sees in the household is ridiculous. But his brother is happy. And Minho is happy.
His mother now knows Minho too. Changbin doesn't feel bad about that. They are not pressuring him anymore. And he doesn't think he will mind it, if they happen to do it.
Things are different.
Their dates are random and very light. Someday eating deep fried corndog on the roadside, others having a fancy meal. Mountain climbing, river rafting.
It feels like he is in his 20s again.
Love does make you feel that way.
It's incredible.
Their relationship might have been slow to build, but has a strong foundation.
Maybe this time he will not make a mistake.
-------------
Past.
Past holds a lot of memories. Good ones, bad ones.
Lessons learned, sacrifices made.
Changbin's past carries a lot of things.
His beautiful childhood. Struggles in teenage years, troubles of relationships.
Some lost, some gained.
Some neither lost, nor gained.
The invite is as artsy as Changbin would have associated Wooyoung with.
His art gallery in Seoul. So near, yet so far.
Changbin had accepted the invitation with no expectations but is leaving the gallery with a heavy heart.
You are my muse, Changbin. Let me have it, just for this time.
Flowers sprouting from lips, a charcoal art of two legs intertwined. A galaxy of stars surrounding a solo figure. A crown on a half-deen face.
La douleur exquise (Loving someone you can't have) - by Jung Wooyoung
It's painful to see someone suffering because of him. Life is so cruel, isn't it?
At least Wooyoung looked healthier. Shining eyes and passion dripping from his face.
A new tattoo. On his wrist.
A lotus.
I have moved on, Changbin. It's time you let go of your resentments too.
-----------
"Hey Jisung?"
"Oh, hey! How are you?"
"Good, good. Listen, can we meet this Saturday?"
"Oh..Okay. Is 6 PM okay for you?"
"Perfect. Thanks."
--------------
February rolls out and the graduation season arrives.
Seungmin is finally graduating in courses of his choice. Ancient History and artifacts. He never knew Seungmin was into art before his breakdown.
Jeongin is coming with them too, so is Sanha. It's been months since their breakup, but it's possible for people to remain friends post-breakup. Especially if they started out as one.
Changbin is happy to see his brother smiling through his way to the podium, certificates granted. Names called.
Minho is cheering loudly on his side. He is Seungmin's best friend now. After Jeongin, of course.
They receive their certificates one by one, each cheer louder than another.
Minho has planned for an after graduation party for the kids. A buffet, growing kids need a lot of proteins in them. And Changbin agrees.
"And they really thought I would kill Minhee. Do you think I'll kill someone I have a crush on, Min?"
"Of course not, Jeonginnie. San, hey, do you need more plates? Changbin, would you go get it for us? Salad for me, please."
"Sure."
"Love ya."
"Ewwwww, Min. Hyung. Cut it out."
It's a good feeling.
It's a good day.
It's actually the day he has been looking forward to the most. Multiple reasons.
Seungmin's graduation.
His mother is paying them a visit tonight.
And.
Yeah.
-------------
"Would you like to stand me for the rest of your life? And no, don't curse in front of Mom and the kids.
"Aaaaaaah. Yes!"
The party poppers are loud on his ears but he can see no audience right now.
Only Minho.
----------
"I swear to God, I'll murder some people. Who thought butterscotch was a good flavor for a wedding cake?"
"It was the only one available, Min. It's okay. The wedding is done, let it go?"
"No, how would I? I look ridiculous in the photos."
"You look gorgeous."
"Shut up. You are lucky I like you or else."
"Haha, I'm not afraid of you."
"You better be."
"I love you."