Chapter Text
Tubbo still isn’t ready.
To come out, that is.
He’s thought about it a lot. He’d considered forgoing an actual conversation and instead just writing a note to let his family find, messaging them all over Discord or their family group chat, and while those are valid options, they don’t feel personal enough. This is a big deal to him, evidently. He wants it to feel like a big deal.
Hell, he could bake something and decorate it with the colors of the aro flag, but that doesn’t feel like him either. He could forget telling his family first at all and just come out on stream, have his dad and brothers find out that way. He could do like Wilbur did and keep dropping hints for ages until he officially comes out.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? Wilbur came out years ago, back when Tubbo didn’t really understand queer identities at all and Phil was his biggest cheerleader along the way, helping him to transition and be comfortable in being out and proud. He started saying he had four sons instead of three sons and a daughter, like he had before, and he was able to slip into doing that so easily. He got Wilbur gender therapy and helped to get his school to start referring to him with his proper name and pronouns.
Something like that, transitioning across genders, it’s not easy. Neither is being not hetero, but there’s something so terribly hard about trying to completely change what gender you identify as and shake the view everyone has had of you for years. Tubbo knows Phil would support him, the same way he supported Wilbur. At least, he thinks he does.
But he can’t force the words out. Maybe it’s not Phil he’s worried about. Maybe it’s his brothers, because it’s always been the four of them against the world. What will he be if he doesn’t fit as seamlessly into their family as he always has?
“Wiiilbur,” Tommy whines, in the way that he sometimes does. His feet are draped across the man in question’s lap and he’s making grabby hands, “Give me the remote! This week it’s my turn to pick a movie, innit?”
“You always pick the same thing, though,” Wilbur argues. “We’ll either watch Up, Coco or Moana. Maybe Onward if you feel particularly in want of a good cry but don’t feel like Up.”
“Okay, rude, and it’s not my fault if Onward is a good movie, piss off. Besides, I watch other things!”
“Oh, yeah,” Techno says dryly, “Ph1lza Minecraft and Minecraft Manhunts.”
“Fuck you, bitch! It’s still my turn to pick a movie!”
“Boys!” Phil chides, sparkle in his eyes betraying his amusement. “Wilbur, give Tommy the remote.”
Wilbur, groaning, hands it over to a cackling Tommy.
“Thank you!” Tommy says, brightly. He looks to his left, “Tubbo! What do you wanna watch?”
“Hmm,” Tubbo knows why Tommy asked him. He wants to poke fun at the others even more. Tubbo thinks he knows how to do that, a grin crossing over his face. “Can you look up ‘Barbie’ on Netflix?”
They’re barely ten minutes into Barbie Dolphin Magic when Phil calls it quits. Usually, Phil has a rule that they all have to sit through at least one movie together but apparently he’s giving up. Not that Tubbo blames him. The voice of Erica Lindbeck is grating on his nerves, too. It’s not even Kelly Sheridan, which kind of feels like a criminal offense. None of the good Barbie movies are on Netflix. Tommy runs off not soon after, mumbling about watching Up on his laptop. Wilbur doesn’t leave, per se, but his snoring fills the room halfway through.
Then it’s just Techno and Tubbo. The latter is kind of impressed that the former is still there, because this feels like something he would hate especially. Movie nights are family time and even if not everyone made it through the movie, Tubbo still felt content from the bickering and familiar way they were all together. They’re a once a month ordeal and Wilbur has been out of town for college, so this is the first time they’re really all together since before Tubbo’s identity crisis. It’s nice. It feels like how family should, not the constant worry that he’ll come out and his family will hate him that has been there.
Techno clears his throat. When Tubbo looks over, he finds the pink-haired man staring intently at him. Tubbo feels uncomfortable, flicking his eyes away from meeting Techno’s gaze any longer. He may be his brother, but he’s intimidating, thank you very much.
“Uh—” Tubbo says, shifting and tugging the blanket he always has for movie night up, tucking his chin over it. “Yes?”
“You’ve been—” Techno pauses, glancing to the TV and cupping his ear. Tubbo gets the message, grabbing the remote to quickly turn it down a few notches. Techno speaks again, “You’ve seemed… off, lately, so to speak. You seem more anxious than usual; you’re incredibly jumpy and tense and it seems like you haven’t been sleeping well.”
Tubbo’s mouth feels dry. He kind of stares. If he’d known this was going to happen, he wouldn’t have picked to watch a Barbie movie. He would’ve actually picked something that would’ve held everyone’s attention.
In the silence, another snore sounds quietly. It gives Tubbo some renewed sense of comfort. He doesn’t need to be afraid, probably. Technoblade is quiet and intimidating and holds himself in a manner that makes Tubbo feel a little frightened to be seen next to him sometimes but — but despite that, Techno is never ashamed to be with Tubbo and he is gentle and talks about mythology and he is Tubbo’s brother and they are family.
“I, yeah, I know, that’s true. I’ve been kinda anxious,” Tubbo says. Is his voice trembling? If he comes out because of worry in the same way he came out to Ranboo, Tubbo will laugh. Or cry. But if he does, then he probably should come out soon if he wants to come out on his own terms.
Techno’s brows furrow - a minute sign of concern that isn’t recognizable except to those that really know him - and he glances to Wilbur before looking back to Tubbo. The brunet notices the way he shifts awkwardly, “Is—is there any specific reason for that? You can… uh, you can talk to me, if you want.”
“Techno,” Tubbo whispers, even though there’s only them awake in the room. He curls up into a ball and hides his face in his knees. His throat feels tight and the edge of terror that comes from this spiralling out of his control is trying to force the words out. He has to tell Techno, he can’t let him worry. Especially when there’s nothing really wrong with him. Not in the way it was before. “Techno, it’s not— It’s nothing big, it’s just, it’s not, it’s, it’s, it’s—” He stops, peeks up from where he’s hidden his face to watch Techno for a reaction. “I don’t know how to come out to you or Phil or Wilbur or Tommy.”
“Oh.” Techno says, and his face does a twisty-thing like realization. “ Oh .”
“Ha, yeah,” Tubbo says uncomfortably.
“Come out as what?” Techno asks and Tubbo can’t blame him for the question. If the roles were reversed, he’d ask the same thing.
“Aromantic. That’s when—”
“When someone doesn’t experience romantic attraction, yeah, I know,” Techno says, looking bewildered in a way he usually doesn’t. Tubbo watches his movements as he gets up from the recliner he’s on to cushion himself between Tubbo and a still snoring Wilbur. “I’m aro too.”
Tubbo snaps up fully, looking to Techno. That— that makes a lot of sense, actually, come to think of it. “You are?” At the nod from Techno, Tubbo continues, pausing to clear his throat. Everything still feels kind of heavy. “You never came out, though?”
“Well, I mean, it’s part of my identity, but it’s never been that big a deal to officially come out, I guess?” Techno says, shrugging. “Not in the way it obviously is for you.”
“It’s important, ‘cause I just— I dunno how to go back on years of attraction, but I need you, I need
my family
to know what I identify as. This, this feels so important to me,” Tubbo says, speaking around the lump and feeling like it’s a little easier to breathe with him being able to talk about his feelings - all these things he’s been bottling - out loud.
“Tubbo,” Techno says, not unkindly. “It’s different for me, because nobody has ever really expected me to have crushes, I think, not in the same way it’s expected from you, but nobody will hold it against you for coming out. A lot of people, when figuring out their identity, mistake what they actually feel for something else.
“Like, you know, gay people sometimes think they’re straight for a long time because they think they like girls, since the media displays it so much and it’s expected of them. Trans people might not know why they feel uncomfortable with being classified as one gender, because it’s not commonly shown either, so there’s different ages and it might take longer for someone to recognize they identify as a different gender, y’know? It’s okay to go back on that feeling, on that false identity. I know it’s scary, but we love you. Like you said, we’re your family, no matter what. We love you so much. I’ll support you whenever you decide to come out and however you decide to come out. I’m here if you need me.”
Tubbo knows all of this logically but it’s so good to hear this from one of his brothers. It’s so good. “Can I— can I have a hug?”
Techno hesitates for a moment and then opens his arms, wrapping them hesitantly around Tubbo when he leans forward and wraps his around the pink-haired man. He clings to Techno for the few remaining minutes of the movie. It’s a good movie night.
Techno takes the remote and pulls something else up and Tubbo drifts off, leaning against the arm of the couch with Techno next to him and Wilbur snoring from the other side. He feels warm. He does need to come out soon though, so this same situation doesn’t happen again.
Next week, he thinks. He’ll give himself a deadline of next week. Because he loves his family and like Techno said, he knows they’ll love him no matter what. They love him. He loves them. Tubbo doesn’t know for certain how the coming out will go but he knows that his family loves him.