Chapter Text
Arthur sat down on the couch, Merlin following close behind. His mind raced, thinking of all the questions he wanted to ask Merlin and scared of what the answer would be.
Merlin sat beside him, and they both turned their bodies so that they faced each other. Arthur watched as Marlin flicked a wrist and a wine glass appear on his hand “Do you have to drink?”
“It helps me talk about this” Merlin answered. Arthur had thought maybe all those times Gaius had said Merlin was in the tavern could have been a lie, after finding out about his magic, but maybe it was true after all “Do you want a glass?”
Why not? “Sure” he nodded and a glass appeared on his hand, similar to Merlin’s, but with less liquid inside. Merlin tipped his own glass, making the glasses touch and a clink “Why do I get less?”
Merlin snorted “I think it’s too strong for you.” Before Arthur had a chance to be offended and complain, Merlin continued “What do you want to know?”
Arthur inhaled sharply and replied, “Where were you today?”
Merlin’s eyes drifted away from his and he took a sip from his glass “That’s a long story.”
“Start from the beginning, then.” Arthur added, impatient.
Merlin didn’t answer right away, watching a window away from them, sipping his wine again “Please, Merlin, just tell me.”
Merlin looked at Arthur’s eyes - and, if Arthur's stomach felt strange when that happened, he made sure to push it away - and began to speak.
“The prophecy that talks about you…about us, about your return, says you would be responsible for bringing magic back to Albion. For a long time, I thought that it was done – your death is part of the reason magic is accepted. The stories about King Arthur’s body resting in Avalon, being cared after by magic, traveled far. It was also the reason Gwen fought for magic to be legal once again in Camelot, and it happened. For the past centuries I’ve seen magic become more and more accepted. Colleges that teach magic theory. Music and movies about magic. People from all over the world have come to me, asking me to teach them. This has been happening for almost a millennium. Things have been really good. Because of this, I was able to study magic and become what the prophecy had said – the greatest sorcerer alive." As he finished saying it, Merlin took a big gulp from his glass, barely grimacing as he swallowed and looked at his feet in front of him. Arthur could tell by the way he said it and his reaction afterwards, that this "greatest sorcerer alive" thing didn't appeal to Merlin as much as one might expect.
“At the same time, I wondered what that meant for you. Why would you return if things are fine? Sure, there have been wars, but they ended, and you still didn’t rise. And I still waited. After a while, immortality stops being fun, you know” Merlin gave a strangled laugh and took a big gulp of wine again “We even found some dragon eggs on China, back in the day. But, if you weren’t to return anymore, if the prophecy was wrong, if your destiny had already been fulfilled, what was I meant to live for? To continue to get attached to people and watch them die, over and over again?
“Some time ago…I was feeling really tired, Arthur. Exhausted." Merlin's voice became even quieter, his words slow "I decided to be alone for a while, I didn’t want to learn anything new, or travel to any place. I just wanted…I just wanted you to return already, for me to fulfill my destiny and be able to…be able to leave. So, I went to the Crystal Cave. It’s not that far from here. It’s the birthplace of magic itself. I used all the magic I could to…to end my existence. If I really was the most powerful sorcerer, if I really was magic, then surely, I’d be able to do it, right?"
A sensation arouse in Arthur's stomach, that reminded him very much of duels, near death experiences and, well, actual death. He straightened his back, the arm not holding the wine clutched to the fabric of the couch under him. As Merlin continued talking, Arthur didn't have time to, but felt a increasing desire to jump, scream and hold onto Merlin at the same time.
“Well, wrong, because I woke up at home, still the same. But the Crystal Cave was destroyed. I didn’t care about it at the time, I just felt really mad. That was in 1923, we’re in 2021 right now and…and no new magical being has ever been born since. People that already could practice magic continued doing so just fine, but no one else was able to learn. We tried to figure out what to do, but nothing changed. Sorcerers from all over the world came to see the Crystal Cave, trying to rebuild it, thinking it would fix it. It didn’t.
“There are some people still alive who can do magic, not many of them, still alive with the help of their magic. I went to see one of them the day you returned, a friend of mine. I was freaking about a little bit if I’m honest and she helped me. We used our magic together to see if anything had changed. it hadn't. And today…I spent the day at the Crystal Cave, trying to talk to the magic, see if I discover what it is I have to do.” He took a last gulp form his glass “I didn’t.”
Merlin finished his explanation and Arthur almost wished he hadn’t said anything at all “I will help you. Merlin. Tell me what I can do to help and I'll do it.” he said, before even thinking. Merlin, who had drifted his gaze away some moments before, looked at Arthur before reaching a hand out and grabbing Arthur’s. Arthur felt Merlin’s palm, warm, as his thumb caressed the back of Arthur’s hand. In return, he turned his hand over and squeezed Merlin’s.
“Thank you” Merlin whispered back, making his glass disappear with a flash of golden eyes “I don’t know what it means. Nothing has changed yet. I’m not sure of what to do. I’m just…I’m glad you’re here with me.” As Arthur felt Merlin's fingers caress his palm, a warm feeling arouse on his stomach - and he turned his focus away from it, to listen to Merlin. "We can think of something in the morning."
All those years Arthur had spend with Merlin, it was rare to see his friend showing vulnerability. Arthur had considered him the bravest man he ever knew – he was always there, bringing Arthur up when he felt down, showing a smile when Arthur felt angry, putting a hand on Arthur’s shoulder when he felt sad. It had been all about Arthur, back then.
Now it was as if the roles had been reversed. Arthur was powerless and Merlin was the one with weight on his shoulders. But it had never been like that, had it? Arthur thought so, but Merlin always had weight on his shoulders. Sometimes much heavier than his own. Arthur wished he could've seen it before.
Mimicking Merlin, Arthur took a final sip from his wine, feeling the liquid go down his throat, warming his body, and let it down on a small table that rested in front of them.
“I’m here now.” Arthur said, taking control of the situation, something he was used to do “We will figure it out.” How? Arthur asked himself. He wasn’t sure. Still, with his free hand, he grabbed Merlin’s shoulder and pulling him closer.
Hugging wasn’t something they did very often back in Camelot. Rare were the moments they touched besides when Merlin was doing his job – dressing him, tending to his wounds. But hugging wasn’t common. Neither was handholding. Both of which they were doing now.
As Merlin put his own arm around Arthur’s waist, pulling him even closer, tilting his head on Arthur’s shoulder, Arthur was taken back to when he was dying. At that moment, where nothing else mattered, all he wanted was for Merlin to hold him close, to feel his body against his own, trying to find some peace.
Merlin’s breath tickled his neck when he asked, not moving his body “We didn’t use to do this a lot at Camelot, did we?”
Arthur shook his head, feeling Merlin’s hair on his face while doing it. It smelled good. “It’s nice” he whispered, unsure.
Merlin snorted and pressed his cold nose on Arthur’s neck, making a shiver run through Arthur's body. “Yeah”, he whispered back.
Eventually they let go and the moment passed. Merlin went on to get them something to eat, which they did in a pleasant silence, only broken by commentary about the food. After dinner, Merlin excused himself to bed, tired from the long day.
“Merlin” Arthur called, just as the man turned his back “Thank you for telling me.”
Merlin gave a small smile and nod in return “Do you want to go to town tomorrow?”
“Town?” Arthur asked back.
“Not anywhere too big yet, I’m not sure you are ready for that. But we could go shopping? Find some clothes you like?”
“Is there a seamstress nearby?”
Merlin snorted “No need for a seamstress, clothes are premade now, we just go to a store and get them.”
Arthur wasn’t sure if that made the job easier or harder, but agreed, nonetheless.
Just as Merlin turned, Arthur asked one more thing “Do you think magic is gone for good?”
Merlin paused, turning back before answering “I thought it was. But now you’re here. I’m not sure anymore.”
“We’ll figure it out.” Arthur claimed. He didn’t know if they would, but there must be a reason of why he was back. There must be.
Merlin nodded and turned once again; this time Arthur let him go to his room.
After a trip to the toilet, Arthur went to his own room. He laid in bed trying to sleep, while Merlin’s story repeated on his head.