Chapter Text
“Well, it’s been fun,” Diego said.
“No, it hasn’t,” Kira grumbled.
“Maybe that’s fair. After all, it must be hard being around someone who’s so much more successful than you. Not that I would know.”
“Just get out of here already.”
Diego lifted the briefcase he had stolen from Kira. It was light, he hadn’t come over with anything since Valentine had basically thrown him to the alternate universe wolves. But he had stolen all of Valentine’s hidden cash, some of the less than presidential bowling shirts Valentine had bought online, and the half of the remaining kitchen knives Dio didn’t possess. Those were the essentials. Diego had also stolen Pucci’s most elaborate rosaries to give to Hot Pants. They would have to take him back now, nuns loved rosaries and forgiving sins like stealing rosaries.
Everyone had gathered in the living room to see Diego off, mostly so they could make sure to change the locks as soon as he was gone. It would also help to get the shit talking behind his back started early. Diego gave one final wave and walked through the door into the cool night air. Poor bastard was doomed if he actually tried to fight Johnny. Spin bullshit is so overpowered. But I don’t have to think about Diego anymore and neither does anyone else! Yay!
“How was he worse than the regular Dio?” Kira asked bitterly.
“Diego doesn’t have any friends,” Pucci said.
“Neither does Dio,” Diavolo said, smirking.
“I’m literally his friend.”
“Wow. Dio has one whole friend, I’m impressed.”
“Didn’t everyone in your gang try to kill you?” Tooru interrupted.
“Your point? I accounted for that.”
“Not very well. Your eternal empire crumbled in a week,” Kira said flippantly.
“Says the guy who constantly gets beat half to death by a teenage Elvis impersonator,” Diavolo fired back.
“What’s wrong with Elvis?” Tooru asked.
“Can you people shut up?” Dio yelled. He had been distracted with practicing his sexiest poses and all the fighting was breaking his focus.
“What’s gotten into him?” Tooru asked Pucci, jerking his thumb towards DIo who was currently bending his spine in half.
“Our new tenant is coming today,” Pucci said.
“Well, that’s convenient.”
Pucci shrugged. “Well, that’s Vanilla Ice for-”
“It’s Hol Horse,” Dio interrupted.
“What?! I told you to contact Vanilla Ice!” Pucci spun towards Dio.
“Oh, he’s moving in too. I thought you would be happy, aren’t you two friends?”
“Vanilla Ice hates me for being friends with you.”
“Oh he’s not mad about that. He doesn’t want to be my friend, not really, he’s fine just worshipping me.” Dio did enjoy having Pucci around, but it would be nice to have worshippers around again. Even if he couldn’t have a real conversation with Vanilla Ice.
“I don’t think you pay enough attention to him, if that’s what you think. Why invite both of them if Hol Horse signed the lease? I can’t believe he signed it in the first place.”
“Hol Horse needs a partner in a non gay way and I think he’ll be happy sharing with Vanilla Ice.”
“Did you tell him he’d be sharing the room? And that there’s only one bed?”
“Oh my God, there’s only one bed,” Doppio gasped. As the former face of Passione, Doppio was forced to be hip with the kids, as Passione is the only mafia made up primarily of teenagers.
“And they’ll be roommates!” Tooru added.
“What are you people talking about? Ice can just sleep on the floor,” Dio said. In truth, Dio had deviously planned for Vanilla Ice -- being the way he was just generally -- to drive Hol Horse into Dio’s waiting arms. It seemed like it would work.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen, don’t you know how these things work? Vanilla Ice is going to steal your man,” Tooru said.
“What? How do you know about that?”
“Well, when Valentine was around you would, and I quote, ask him about ‘cowboy mating rituals,’” Tooru explained. “You’re not as subtle as you think. I see you raising your hands like that, you’re not going to be able to get close enough to strangle me, Dio.”
“What if I stop time?”
“I don’t know. Do you want to find out?” Tooru threatened.
The World and Wonder of U both materialized and everyone else ran for cover just as Hol Horse knocked at the door. They could tell it was Hol Horse without looking because the level of respect for women increased exponentially. Not because they were expecting him, no that would be stupid.
“Everyone be on your best behavior or I will slaughter you,” Dio snarled, gripping the handle to the front door. Diavolo rolled his eyes. The pillar men thought it was a lazy, if cute, attempt at a threat. Dio opened the door with as much flair as possible, which wasn’t a lot.
“Howdy,” Hol Horse said, waving in a cowboy fashion. Whatever that means is up to you. Doppio waved back until Diavolo slapped his hand down, but everyone else just glared. Dio was trying to glare in like a sexy bad boy kind of way. This is why I don’t write romance.
The feeling Hol Horse got when he walked into the house was familiar. This place was more maintained than the mansion in Cairo, but the feeling that everyone here could fuck him up was the same. Hol Horse never really missed the mansion crew, but God, at least they talked to him instead of just staring like these fuckers were doing. “Cat got your tongue?” he asked. Kira flinched. “Well, I’m sure y’all open up eventually. Where’s the room?” Goddamnit if Hol Horse wasn’t going to try and be positive about this. Dio still terrified him, but the location was worth it. Dio moved to lead Hol Horse up the stairs, motioning for Pucci to follow them. When the three of them were gone, everyone started gossiping immediately.
“I’m almost offended he flirted with me if that’s his taste in men,” Kars said, disgusted.
“Before or after he found out you were married?” Tooru asked.
“Both,” Kars sighed.
“And with both of us,” Esidisi laughed.
“Make that all three of us,” Wamuu added.
“Now we have to kick his ass,” Esidisi said.
“Oh my God, so it wasn’t just me,” Diavolo said, scandalized. “Did he try to get with all of us? Doppio, did he flirt with you?” Diavolo whipped around and gripped Doppio’s shoulders. Doppio shook his head. “Oh thank Christ. ”
“He’s never said anything to me,” Kira said.
“Who in their right mind would want to get with you? ” Diavolo snapped.
Upstairs, Hol Horse, Dio, and Pucci stood in front of Valentine’s old room. “So, why move in here anyways?” Pucci asked. He was uneasy. Vanilla Ice still hadn’t shown up and Pucci felt like he needed to be buying time.
“I gotta be closer to Morioh,” Hol Horse answered.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I just gotta.” Hol Horse shrugged, lifting up surprisingly light luggage. His suitcase was mostly filled with pictures of horses and belt buckles.
“Hmmmm, something something gravity something something attraction,” Dio said, probably thoughtfully. I’m not writing philosophical Dio sorry I hate philosophy.
“Hmmm, yes, I concur,” Pucci concured.
Hol Horse didn’t pay attention. He coughed awkwardly. “So, uh, thanks for showing me the room but I had a long ride here and I’m gonna get some shuteye, if you don’t mind.”
“If you need anything, I’m in the room right next to you, Hol Horse,” Dio said, showing no signs of leaving. “And Pucci is down the hall.”
“Right,” Hol Horse said, coughing again and hoping Dio would actually get the message and go. When he realized that was muda (translator's note: keikaku means plan muda means useless) he opened the door and turned on the light. From the back of the room, something hissed and shielded their eyes. “What the fuck!” Hol Horse yelled, summoning Emperor.
Pucci thought that crouching looked familiar. “Oh my God, so that’s who’s been lurking in the bushes at midnight all week, I should have known,” Pucci said, rubbing his temples.
“Oh good, so he's figured out he's a vampire. Finally,” Dio said.
Hol Horse looked around, confused. “Mister, uh, Lord Dio?” He looked more closely at the figure in the back of the room. “Vanilla Ice?” Hol Horse asked, lowering his gun. Vanilla Ice stared back at him silently.
“Vanilla Ice is sharing the room with you,” Dio explained.
“What?” Hol Horse looked to Pucci for help. Pucci just shrugged helplessly.
“If you don’t like the arrangement, Hol Horse, you can stay in my room in-”
Hol Horse didn’t register what Dio was saying, he was so panicked, realizing that he had screwed up. He should have known better than to protest, Dio could tear him to shreds in an instant. “No, no, it’s fine! Really! Mister- ah, fuck, Lord Dio!”
Dio raised his eyebrows. “Well, alright. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight!” Hol Horse said, hurriedly closing the door. Crisis averted, although Vanilla Ice was still there staring at him. Getting to sleep was going to be a problem no matter how exhausted he was with someone staring at him like that all night. “I’m gonna take the bed, if you don’t mind.” Vanilla Ice didn’t react, Hol Horse took that as the best sign he would get. As quickly as he could, Hol Horse got ready for bed, turned off the lights, and slid under the American flag covers. They were both comfy and fashionable. Hol Horse wasn’t disappointed in the decor, at least. Not that it helped, when the only thing he could see in the dark were Vanilla Ice’s eyes.
Hol Horse turned over to face the other end of the room. Silently, he summoned his Stand. “Oh Emperor, you're my only friend. I wish you could talk. The only thing that would be better than a gun is a talking gun,” Hol Horse said sadly. The first night in a new house is hard for anyone and Hol Horse was no exception. He had no stuffed animals though, so he cuddled with his gun for support like a real American. Hol Horse was here for the long haul.