Chapter Text
Kaz was talking to Jesper and Jordie when his ringtone caught his attention.
Unknown number: Is it too late to say yes? :) –Inej
He had to refrain from smiling like an idiot right there. He had been checking his phone almost compulsively all evening to see if there were any messages. Obviously Jordie had noticed it and had started to make fun of him and Kaz had quitted. It wasn't like him to behave like that, but he couldn't help feeling like a kid at his first crush, he just missed the butterflies in his stomach.
He had never felt this way before for any other girl, but from the first glance he had placed on Inej, he had understood that there was something different about her. Conversing with her had been like talking to an old friend, as if they had known each other forever, he felt attracted to her with the force of a magnet. And if one part of him kept telling him he was stupid, the other was terrified of the effect this girl had on him. Terrified and excited at the same time. Would it have been worse if he had seen her again? Maybe giving her his business card was a mistake? He wanted to never see her again. He wanted her not to leave his side anymore.
The front door slightly opened and Kaz looked out of the corner of his eye at three graceful figures sliding into the large room. Inej immediately identified his position and went towards him. Kaz's throat suddenly went dry and a hand snapped at his tie. <<It’s straight, don't worry>> Jordie placed an encouraging hand on his shoulder, while he quickly passed by his side. That idiot seemed to read his mind.
<<You came at the end>> he said, when he was sure she’d hear him, while he was still turned away.
She frowned. <<How did you see me?>>
Kaz finally looked at her as a grin formed on his lips. <<You may move like a wraith, but I see everything>>
She smiled and bit her lip. For a moment he was out of breath. She was dressed like that same morning: leggings, a sweatshirt and a heavy scarf wrapped around her neck. Her hair was tied into her tight braid, but this time it was decorated with ribbons and buds. She was beautiful.
Suddenly an auburn-haired girl gave her a blow with the shoulder as she passed, and her expression changed completely. Her gaze became serious and it was as if her whole body had stiffened. Kaz shot a murderous look at the rude girl. <<Hey, you>>
The girl stopped and turned with an annoyed expression. Kaz recognized her furrowed brows and ivory skin. <<Dunyasha, right? Either you learn education or I'll throw you out of my club>> The threatening tone had the desired effect, because Dunyasha blushed, stammered an apology to Inej and then disappeared from her sight quickly.
Inej smiled slightly, but Kaz could see that she was still uncomfortable. <<We can move to a less crowded area, if you want>> he pointed to the balcony nearby.
She looked at him, relieved. <<It’d be perfect>> She turned, probably to understand where her parents were. Kaz followed her gaze and saw them talking to Colm near the entrance.
<<That man is probably the most welcoming and kind person I know. They’re in good hands>>
<<I didn’t think you were inclined to compliments>>
<<I don’t compliment. I speak the truth>> Inej analyzed his words for a moment, before shaking her head and preceding him towards the balcony. Kaz didn't miss any detail in her expression.
The balcony ran parallel to almost the entire room, but it wasn’t very spacious. Kaz noticed an isolated angle perfect for speaking and positioned himself with his elbows resting on the handrail, shifting all of his weight onto his left leg. He didn't know why, but since he woke up his right knee had started to bother him, it was almost hurting, and certainly his fall hadn't helped. Probably he had just been hit days ago, it wouldn't have been a weird thing considering how little he was careful about the well-being of his body, but it was strange that he didn't remember it. Kaz Rietveld always remembered everything.
They stared at the busy streets of Ketterdam for a while without saying anything. The city was a headache-inducing mix of sounds and noises: the music coming from the loft, a car horn, an engine roar, the clicking of women's heels on the pavement, a phone ringing, a peddler... while Kaz and Inej remained silent. And it wasn't embarrassing, on the contrary, it seemed to him the most natural thing in the world.
Suddenly a cheerful couple stood near their corner, exchanging kisses and laughs. Kaz turned slowly and gave them an eloquent and menacing look.
<<Joost?>> She put a hand in front of the guy's lips, as he approached to kiss her again, and pointed to Kaz. Joost raised his eyebrows and, the moment he met his eyes, his smile disappeared.
He swallowed hard. <<Let's find another place, Anya>> He took her hand and they both ran away.
Kaz sighed as he heard Inej giggling beside him. <<Was Ketterdam what you expected?>> he asked out of the blue.
<<Definitely not>> Inej thought about it for a moment. <<There’s something extremely fascinating and at the same time extremely terrifying>> Kaz pointed his eyes towards her. He expected to receive one of the usual turist-like replies, but that girl seemed to have endless surprises in store for him.
<<The residential neighborhood is nice and tidy, the port and the market are colorful and chaotic and then…>>
<<And then there's the Barrel>> he concluded, looking down.
<<It looks like a difficult place>>
Kaz shrugged. <<It's normal for the ones who grow up here>>
<<You're talking about you and Jordie?>> Kaz could feel her dark eyes on him. It was a question, but she had uttered it almost as a statement. The feeling from before came back again and stronger: the fear that someone’d be able to see inside him and the armour he had deliberately built around himself. A barrier that sometimes not even the people closest to him were able to overcome. <<You two have a beautiful relationship>>
<<You too>> Kaz glanced inside, towards Colm and Inej's parents. Jordie had joined them and was enthusiastically participating the conversation.
Inej initially smiled at the sight of them, but a veil of sadness crossed her face. <<When I was little, they risked losing me>> Kaz widened his eyes. He saw hers getting wet, her body getting stiff again.
<<They tried to kidnap me, when I was just a child. Actually, I don't even remember exactly what happened>> Inej crossed her hands on her chest and tightened her scarf.
<<I only know that I was terrified of losing them and that it was the same for them>> She took a shaking breath and closed her eyes. Kaz heard the chatter of the loft die out as the band began to play and Nina sang the first notes of the song. After a moment, Inej seemed to have calmed down.
Kaz could have simply been silent, waiting for her to say something else or change the subject, normally he would. But today didn't seem like a normal day. <<When we were still kids, Jordie got seriously ill. He almost...>> His words died in his throat. His lips refused to even utter that phrase.
<<We were close before, but from that moment we’ve been even more>> Kaz immediately regretted speaking. He knew that when he met her gaze, he’d only find pity and compassion and he didn't want that. It had been years since his parents death and Jordie's illness, he had grown into an adult, he shouldn't have been haunted by the ghosts of his past. He didn’t deserve mercy. He didn't deserve compassion.
But when their eyes met again none of this happened. Inej had a severe and indecipherable expression. She ran a hand down her railing, bringing her closer to him. <<Can I ask you a question?>> Kaz nodded, he felt he didn’t have the strength to answer otherwise. He didn't want to tell her anything. He wanted her to know everything. <<Why the gloves?>>
His hands released their grip around the railing. <<Doctors say my skin isn’t as thick as it should be>> He slowly began to remove his fingers from the warm and reassuring cover of leather, one by one. <<I don't have to use them all the time, but it became a habit>>
Inej watched his every move as if hypnotized. She had come a lot closer than he thought, her head almost touching his nose. His nostrils filled with the perfume of the flowers of her hair. She moved slowly, as if she didn't want to scare him or make him run away. She took one of his hands with both of hers. They were hot. They were reassuring. They were…
Time froze. Nina stopped singing.
He felt himself sinking into an abyss.
“When your life is over I won't be sad or blue
I'll put on my fancy hat, lie down next to you”
<<Matthias… oh, Saints! Help! Somebody help!>>
<<I have been made to protect you. Even in death, I will find a way>>
They were twin souls, soldiers destined to fight for different sides, to find each other and lose each other too quickly.
“I'll kiss you once for life; I'll kiss you twice for death
Hold you close for comfort, wearing my best dress”
<<Let him go to his god>>
<<He should be here with me>>
<<You will meet him again in the next life, but only if you suffer this now>>
“You look so angry when you sleep, your face a troubled frown
So I will smooth your furrowed brow as I lay you in the ground”
They laid him down on the blanket. Nina sat beside him, saying nothing, his hand clutched in hers.
“I'll kiss you once for life; I'll kiss you twice for death
I'll hold you close for comfort, wearing my best dress”
<<I am grateful you're alive. I am grateful that you're beside me. I am grateful that you're eating>>
<<You're better that waffles, Matthias Helvar>>
<<Let's not say things we don't mean, my love>>
“And as the mourners pass me, I will smile and wave
Thank them for their sympathy and tell them I'll be brave”
<<Closer, drüskelle>>
<<Stop moving >>
<<You're cold and clammy. It's like lying next to a burly squid>>
<<You told me to get closer!>>
“But once the wake is over, and I'm drunk and feeling fine
I'll go out there and find me another boy to pass the time”
<<What are you so afraid will happen? Afraid you might start to like me?>> He said nothing. <<That’s it, isn’t it? You don't want to like a Grisha. You're scared that if you laugh at my jokes or answer my questions, you might start thinking I'm human. Would that be so terrible?>>
<<I do like you>>
<<What was that?>>
<<I do like you>> he said angrily.
<<Now, really, is that so bad?>>
“As we're dancing cheek to cheek and the lights are laid low
I'll request this song for you, laying in the ground below”
<<How many rules have you broken since you met me? How many laws? They won't be the last. Nothing about us will ever be proper>> she said. She tilted her face up to his. So close now it was as if they were already touching. <<Not the way we met. Not the life we have lead. And not the way we kiss>>
She went up on tiptoe, and that easily, her mouth was against his.
“Once the song is over, and it's time to go to bed
I'll leave him on the dance floor and return to you inste-e-e-ead”
<<In the next life, then>> she whispered. <<Go>> she watched his eyes close once more. <<Farvell>> she said in Fierdjan. <<May Djel watch over you until I can once more>>
Nina's eyes were full of tears, her voice broke and was out of tune at the last word. She felt like she no longer had control of her vocal cords, like she couldn't sing as sweetly and harmoniously as ever.
“I'll kiss you once for life; I'll kiss you twice for death
I'll hold you close for comfort, wearing my best dress”
<<I promised, Matthias. I'll take you home >>
<<Nina, >> he said, pressing her hand to his heart. <<I am already home>>
Nina almost whispered the last two lines as she closed her eyes and hot tears streamed down her cheeks. A thousand images buzzed in her head, without her still being able to give them complete meaning. They seemed like memories, yet it couldn't be. It seemed she had truly lived through each of those moments, as if they belonged to her previous life.
She stood silently on the stage as she tried to control her shaking breath. The unnatural stillness of the room was broken by the clapping of a single pair of hands. Nina's eyes snapped open and she saw Matthias approaching and taking the stage. He was the only one left in the room, all the others seemed to be gone, except for a couple of other figures in the background that Nina couldn’t distinguish.
He stood in front of her and raised her face with a finger. Nina sought solace in his blue eyes and finally understood. The tears began to fall more numerous than before. Matthias stroked her just above one cheekbone.
Nina threw herself into his arms, without waiting a second longer. She squeezed him so hard it hurt him, scared that he might suddenly disappear from her sight. She sank her face into his chest, hiding her sobs.
<<Don’t do this, my love. You are home now>>
<<Did you have her make you better-looking? >>
<<Maybe you forgot how handsome I am>>
<<What do you like?>>
<<Music. Numbers. Equations. They're not like words. They... they don't get mixed up>>
<<If only you could talk to girls in equations>>
<<Just girls?>>
Jesper restrained a grin. <<No. Not just girls>>
<<You’re stupid about a lot of things, Wylan, but you are not stupid. And if I ever hear you call yourself a moron again, I’m going to tell Matthias you tried to kiss Nina. With tongue>>
<<He’ll never believe it>>
<<Then I’ll tell Nina you tried to kiss Matthias. With tongue>>
Jesper opened his mouth to take another breath, Wylan leaned forward and kissed him.
Jesper’s mind emptied. He wasn’t thinking of what had happened before or what might happen next. There was only the reality of Wylan’s mouth, the press of his lips, then the fine bones of his neck, the silky feel of his curls as Jesper cupped his nape and drew him nearer.
This was the kiss he’d been waiting for. It was a gunshot. It was prairie fire. It was the spin of Makker’s Wheel. Jesper felt the pounding of his heart – or was it Wylan’s? – like a stampede in his chest, and the only thought in his head was a happy, startled, Oh.
Slowly, inevitably, they broke apart. <<Wylan,>> Jesper said, looking into the wide blue sky of his eyes, <<I really hope we don’t die>>
<<Nina might not be able to put you back, you know. Not without another dose of parem. You could be stuck like this>>
<<Why does it matter?>>
<<I don’t know! Maybe I liked your stupid face!>>
The mask thudded to the floor. The noise filled the suddenly empty room. Jesper had remained motionless as the music accompanied that tangle of thoughts - or memories? - that kept popping up in his mind. He could now see perfectly the sweet features of Wylan's face, the half-open cherry-colored mouth, the growing blush on his pale cheeks. He saw the blue eyes, still chained to his, suddenly brighten.
Jesper's hand moved to the back of his neck and gave him a ruffle to the rebellious curls. <<I told you I like your stupid face>> Wylan burst out laughing. Jesper couldn't help but do the same. He thought about how much he had missed him and how at the same time it seemed to him that he had never moved away from him. He brought the redhead's body close to him and Wylan's laughter stopped suddenly, interrupted by Jesper's lips on his.
Kaz was drowning.
A moment before he was on the balcony of the Crow Club with Inej, a moment later he was again a child in the black waters of the Ketterdam harbour. The frozen water pierced every inch of his body. Standing still hurt, moving hurt even more.
Despite everything he kept swimming, but it was as if the horizon became increasingly distant. He felt the air fail him. He felt the water violently invaded his lungs.
<<I can help you>>
It was her voice again. He felt that it helped the pain, that it eased the fatigue. Kaz shouldn’t have been surprised, after all it had saved him from the waters once before.
The world around him suddenly changed. The suffocating indigo of the sea gave way to the familiar faint morning light of Ketterdam, filtered by the clouds. He was no longer drowning, he was dry, in his usual clothes, his sleeves rolled up at the elbows and his gloved hands crossed over his chest. He was in the back of the Slat. Inej had stretched a rope from one side of the wall to the other and was walking on it as if it was the simplest thing in the world. She had decided to teach him how to fall.
<<The trick is not getting knocked down>> he'd told her with a laugh.
<<No, Kaz,>> she'd said, <<the trick is in getting back up>>
His voice continued to boom, while the contours of the room faded, and he found himself back in darkness. He heard the sound of the water quietly touching the shore of the Black Veil Island. His leg throbbed, but he couldn't think of the pain as he stared into Inej's shiny black eyes after learning what could have happened to her because of Van Eck.
<<He was going to break my legs. Would you have come for me then, Kaz? When I couldn't scale a wall or walk a tightrope? When I wasn't the Wraith anymore?>>
<<I would come for you. I would come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together - knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting>>
The space around him changed again and again, transporting him through time and space to moments he seemed to have forgotten. But how could he have forgotten?
<<I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all>>
<<You shouldn’t make friends with crows>>, he’d told her.
<<Why not?>> she asked.
He’d looked up from his desk to answer, but whatever he’d been about to say had vanished on his tongue.
The sun was out for once, and Inej had turned her face to it. Her eyes were shut, her oil-black lashes fanned over her cheeks. The Harbour wind had lifted her dark hair, and for a moment Kaz was a boy again, sure that there was magic in this world.
<<Why not?>> she’d repeat, eyes still closed.
He said the first thing that popped into his head. <<They don’t have any manners>>
<<Neither do you, Kaz>> She’d laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and got drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.
<<What do you want then?>>
You, Inej. You .
She felt his knuckles slide against hers. Then his hand was in her hand, his palm was pressed against her own. A tremor moved through him. Slowly, he let their fingers entwine.
<<Go on>> she repeated. Finish the story.
<<This isn’t… it isn’t a trick, is it?>> Her voice was smaller than she wanted it to be.
The shadow of something dark moved across Kaz’s face. <<If it were a trick, I’d promise you safety. I’d offer you happiness. I don’t know if that exists in the Barrel, but you’ll find none of it with me>>
For some reason, those words had comforted her. Better terrible truths than kind lies.
<<All right,>> she said. <<How do we begin?>>
He felt as if he had taken his first breath of oxygen after nearly drowning. It took a moment for Kaz to focus on where he was now. He was again on the balcony of the Crow Club. Everything was the same as before, yet somehow everything was different. No more music, traffic, footsteps or any other noise. No more people coming and going or confusion. They were alone. The silence was deafening.
He realized only after a while that Inej was still in front of him, her hand still clasped to his and her gaze pointed downwards. She had his same expression. He saw her closing her lids and taking a deep breath, before turning her eyes towards him. He felt he had a thousand thoughts in his head and a thousand emotions that he still couldn’t fully understand. Yet he didn’t feel scared or upset. Inej was there beside him, he’d feel the warm touch of her skin on him, while the waters remained a distant memory, and that was enough. He was amazed at his reasoning. It was not how Kaz Brekker would normally have acted. Or Kaz Rietveld.
Inej smiled and stood on tiptoe until their foreheads touched. Kaz closed his eyes and concentrated on his steady breathing, on the floral scent emanating from her hairstyle. Geraniums.
At one point he heard footsteps and, when he opened his eyes, he saw that four people had lined up on either side of the open window.
<<I didn’t think I’d ever say that I’m happy to see you again, demjin>> Matthias put a hand around Nina's shoulders.
<<How many lives do you have, demjin?>>
<<One more, I hope>>
Nina rested her head on his shoulder. <<I told you we’d meet again>>
<<We will meet again>>
<<Of course we will meet again. You saved my life. I saved yours>>
Wylan ran a hand over his eyes. <<Don’t talk like that, please, or you’ll move Jesper too>>
<<When people see a cripple walking down the street, leaning on his cane, what do they feel? They feel pity. Now, what do they thing when they see me coming?>>
<<They think they'd better cross the street>>
<<You’re not weak because you can’t read. You're weak because you're afraid of people seeing your weakness. You're letting shame decide who you are>>
<<Sure, merchling, we’ll pretend that you are not the one who just burst into tears>> Jesper ran a hand through his curls and gave him a quick kiss on the back of his neck.
<<What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?>>
<<Who the hell is Jordie?>>
<<Someone I trusted. Someone I didn't want to lose>>
Inej squeezed his hand lightly and his gaze moved back to her, to her thick eyebrows, her flushed cheeks, her almost black eyes, her parted lips.
They all heard a noise coming from inside the loft. They exchanged confused glances and turned in that direction, on guard. Jesper automatically put a hand to the holsters of the toy guns, Inej to her thigh, where she usually held Sankt Petyr, Wylan in his pocket, devoid of any kind of bomb, Nina got into position to summon. Kaz felt completely helpless without the usual presence of his cane between his fingers. The only one who remained in his initial position was Matthias. <<Relax. We are safe here>>
Footsteps began to echo through the empty hall and a figure dressed completely in white positioned itself in its center.
Kaz widened his eyes at his brother's sight. He had been with him until a moment before, yet he hadn't realized how strange and unreal all of this was. It seemed a miracle to see him in front of him so young and healthy. He must have been between twenty-five and thirty years old, Kaz had no memories of him at that age. He had never lived long enough to get there.
It was something automatic and yet so weird for him: he took a few steps forward, moving away from Inej and stepping over the other guys. The footsteps became faster and faster until he found himself running and throwing himself into his arms. Normally even the thought of doing such a thing would have made him feel bad. Being this close to someone other than Inej should have made him nauseous. But it was Jordie. He was his brother. He was alive in front of his eyes.
It was a true miracle.
<<Hey, little brother, I don’t expect such things from you>> He clung to that voice with all his strength and squeezed him tightly. They were children at the family farm again, and Jordie had somehow managed to get him his favourite jam. They were kids again, just arrived in Ketterdam and in trouble, and Jordie had promised him that they’d be okay. <<It's okay>>
Kaz steadied his breathing and walked away, slightly embarrassed. Jordie stroked his shoulders affectionately. <<How can you be here?>> Kaz asked after a moment.
<<I'm sure you already understood, Kaz>> Jordie gave him a half smile.
Inej couldn't believe her eyes as she saw Kaz throw herself into Jordie's arms. That Jordie. The brother he had never forgotten, who had conditioned his life forever, which it had been so difficult for him to talk to her about, despite the passing of time, year after year. Inej could no longer contain the tears, but they were tears of joy. She saw Jesper turn to her with the same expression on his face. She saw Nina burst out laughing, completely stunned by Kaz's behaviour. Matthias seemed the only one able to maintain control, as he had always been really. Inej had the feeling that he was the only one who fully understood what was about to happen.
Because no matter how many doubts she might have in her head, no matter how strange was the situation they all were in, she just couldn't realize it. She couldn't get those words out loud.
<<We're dead>> She heard Kaz as he addressed Jordie. He hadn’t said it with sadness or resignation, but with serenity. Inej took a shaky breath and folded her hands, addressing a prayer to her Saints.
Jordie shrugged. <<Everyone dies sometime, kiddo. Some of them before you, some long after you>> He turned a quick glance at Matthias and Nina.
<<Where are we, Jordie?>>
<<This is a place that you all made together so that you could find one another. The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people. That's why all of you are here>> Inej thought about her first meeting with Kaz, the time with the Dregs, the Ice Court job, the revenge against Van Eck and Rollins, the moment she saw her ship waiting for her at Berth 22. And then Nina's laughs, Jesper's jokes, Wylan's affection, Matthias' bravery. The moment she saw her parents for the first time in years. Kaz's kiss on her neck in that bathroom long ago. <<Nobody dies alone, Kaz. You needed all of them. And they needed you>>
<<For what?>>
Jordie then turned to all of them. <<To remember. And let go>> He shook Kaz's shoulders one last time, before heading towards the exit. He pulled the door close so that only a glimmer of light could pass. <<Shall we?>>
Kaz stood still.
Matthias moved first. He brought his arm around Nina's waist and gently accompanied her on the way to the exit. They both looked affectionately at their companions as Jordie opened the door wider for them to pass.
Then it was Wylan's turn. He took a deep breath and nudged Jesper as he began to walk. The Zemeni hurried to join his partner and they both gave Kaz and Inej two broad smiles before crossing the border.
Finally Inej moved and approached Kaz. She brought her hand back to meet his. Their fingers intertwined in another silent promise. She looked into his strong tea-coloured eyes, eyes she’d never forget. She knew it was the same to him.
<<No mourners>> she said.
<<No funerals>> he responded.
They moved simultaneously, coordinated like the twin soldiers they had always been, and moved on.