Chapter Text
The higher you build walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down.
-Unknown
Heather Duke held an intimate sort of understanding of just how easy it was to ruin someone.
It was a familiarity built from two years of tearing down those who had gotten too comfortable in their own lives, easily disassembling their conception of normal and wreaking havoc across their life in the grandiose and cruel displays of power that she’d once reveled in. She excelled in reminding those who displayed too much defiance to the impermanence of their circumstances, illustrating just how easy it could be for everything to go wrong were they to misstep in a way that offended Heather.
It was a skill that had been built from her experiences with much the same, the way in which Heather had first reprimanded her providing her with a reliable example of how one might do such to another. She hadn’t felt such eagerness at the prospect of cruelty, of imposing her humiliations upon another, until she’d been educated in the importance of those lessons through the tender pitiless ministrations of the queen in red. The Heather Duke that Westerburg knew was Heather’s creation, something that Heather was never scared to remind her of: she acted for Heather’s benefit, not merely her own.
That had been harder to remember as of late as she found her life upturned once again… though not in the manner which she had expected. It was a change not driven by the brutal games of power and politics that she was so accustomed to but the extended hand of friendship that she’d almost forgotten her cravings for. It was a revelation that hadn’t required overmuch self reflection, something that Heather could be thankful for given the grim tidings that generally accompanied such awareness.
No, the feelings that Veronica brought were complex in their simplicity, the return of a menagerie of near forgotten emotions and sensations having overturned the dread that she had come to consider normal, instead replacing it with something that she remembered was happiness.
When she’d first realized that the emotion that welled within her was happiness rather than relief, she’d been unsure of how she should proceed: she wasn’t accustomed to the sensation, the closest equivalents she’d held having been the exhausted relief she felt when indulging in her diversions and the vicious vindication she felt as she easily tore down another. She would have died of embarrassment if anyone knew just how conflicted she was with this simple situation, one that couldn’t even quite be described as an issue, though she found it to be a dilemma of supreme importance. She had developed two competing urges, each impulse seeking to drive her in a different direction in response to the new but blessedly pleasant experience.
The first and most natural instinct was to raise her walls once more, to ready herself to defend this wellspring of happiness with all the vigilance and strength she could rally. It had been an appealing thought, one that was both familiar and easy, though it was that very same familiarity that led to her pursuing the second: how could she truly accept this change unless she changed her behavior?
Yes, the second option had been far more appealing, particularly given the failure of the various imagined threats to materialize. The balmy heat of the summer and the comfortable isolation it brought made it easy to bring Veronica closer, to bask in the medley of emotions that her presence brought, unafraid of the depredations of her peers and competitors. It felt as though a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders, a glorious relief from the sisyphean struggle that she’d come to consider normal, one that allowed her to breath and move with a degree of ease and lightness that seemed almost magical.
The best part was, it wasn’t just when she was around Veronica!
She found it easier to be happy around others, people other than Veronica, those that she would usually spite or watch: she’d even found herself growing more warm with Heather McNamara, finally indulging the girl’s desires to spend time alongside one another. It was with a great deal of surprise that she found herself… enjoying that time. She learned a hundred little things about the girl that she’d never before considered, finally lowering her walls enough to share some of the small parts of herself that she’d safeguarded for so long. She didn’t trust Heather, not quite, but it was far easier to try .
But far more important than that was the way it left her feeling about herself. It was always easier to cope during the summer, the respite from Heather’s spiteful and callous insults offering her an opportunity to rebuild some of her confidence, but this was different. For the first time in years, she could look in the mirror without feeling that sudden shock of disgust that had become so normal: while it was still easy to pick out the various flaws and imperfections if she applied the barest amount of effort, that sort of consideration was no longer reflexive.
It had been so, so good.
That should have been the sign that it wouldn’t last.
That was the sign that she had chosen to ignore those months ago when she had decided to fling herself into the joy that Veronica brought, willfully ignoring the dangers that she knew lurked in the shadows so that she might better appreciate the wonderful oasis of positivity she’d discovered. But now it seemed as though she had dashed her head against the rocks in the midst of that headfirst dive.
She’d been blinded by that brilliant light that Veronica seemed to exude, unable to spot the pitfall she approached until she had tumbled into it, unable to arrest her fall in any way. If she’d had the appropriate foresight, she could have avoided the issue altogether, offering it the minimal amount of consideration it deserved before dismissing it rather than allowing it to consume her like she’d had. Instead, she’d placed herself in a position where she stood to lose everything, the gut wrenching vulnerability that accompanied that thought rivaling her state of mind in the aftermath of one of Heather’s humiliations.
The most insane thing about it all, the absurd and farcical twist, was that she wasn’t even sure she regretted the choices that led her to this point. Even now as she found herself standing precariously on the precipice of ruin, she was loath to surrender the happiness that she’d pursued for so long. No, she was desperate to safeguard that glorious euphoria that had infused her life from the foolishness that led her to endanger it. She’d grown too complacent, too consumed by the insipid and weak flights of fancy she so regularly indulged in.
That would have to change if she wanted to survive this, if she wanted to keep what she had.
She didn’t know if that was possible, if what she’d thought and nearly done could be undone or fixed.
She hoped it was.
The day hadn’t given any indication that it would end the way it did, the sweltering sunlight and cloudless blue skies better suited for the casual fun she’d indulged in throughout the summer, still resembling the brightest and best days of the season despite the fact that school was mere days away. When she woke up, she hadn’t even considered the idea that she might be placed in a position where she could destroy her relationship with Veronica, where she could destroy herself if she made even the slightest misstep. No, the worry that had consumed her seemed almost silly in the aftermath of what had almost occurred.
There was something wrong with her jeep.
She’d always provided the dark green vehicle with more than the appropriate amount of maintenance, the strenuous activity having become a source of relief and catharsis for her, an opportunity to cast off the mantle of perfection, flinging it aside in order to indulge in the consistent and easy complexity of mechanical engineering. When she was tinkering and tuning her vehicle, she didn’t have to worry about the threat of others or weigh the social calculus of her actions: she could simply lose herself in the sweat and grease that accompanied her labor, finding a sort of peace in the assortment of reference books, manuals, and magazines that cluttered her workplace in the garage.
It was that same appreciation that saw her worry at the disconcerting whirring from the engine quickly morph into a rising sense of excitement at the prospect of finally having a proper reason to delve into the guts of her beloved vehicle. While she’d performed maintenance in the past, this was the first time that she’d really had an opportunity to identify and resolve an issue on her own: while she’d probably need the manuals, the idea of even making the attempt held an immense amount of appeal to the girl. It would be an opportunity for her to test her knowledge and familiarity with the vehicle, to pit her skills against a real issue rather than the small bits of tuning she’d grown so accustomed to.
When the morning came, she didn’t hesitate to begin her labor, rolling up her sleeves and beginning her examination of the engine with the aid of the various manuals and magazines she’d perused for so long. She’d eschewed her usual tailored appearance for the rougher and more practical apparel she’d purchased for this specific purpose, the sturdy set of clothes well suited for the sweat, grime, and grease that tended to accompany the physically intensive labor required to properly attend to the needs of her vehicle. The garage had always been a place free from her doubts and concerns about her appearance, a norm that was challenged when she found herself faced with the prospect of Veronica coming over: she hated the idea of leaving her work unfinished but she wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted the other girl to see her like this.
The work she was performing now didn’t really fit with the image she liked to project: Heather had always said that it wasn’t fitting, that she should really just stick to reading as that was more normal, but it had remained one of the few small bastions of defiance that Heather still nursed. It was something that she kept private, a small act of rebellion that she refused to flaunt lest Heather get more irritable, though one she treasured all the same. She wasn’t nervous about sharing it with Veronica, not really, but it felt strange to share this aspect of her life with anyone else.
But… it had been a few days since she’d seen Veronica: the other girl had just returned from a college visit and Heather had been missing her.
It was still several hours before Veronica was actually able to come over: while she initially held onto the idea that she might be able to resolve the issue and make herself more presentable, it quickly became clear that she’d likely have to do more than just a surface level exploration of the engine. She did her best to ignore the niggling anxiety that haunted the back of her mind, instead focusing her efforts on working: she’d made a solid amount of progress by the time that Veronica actually arrived, the brunette having ridden over on her bike as her jeep’s engine was currently displayed around her workplace.
Veronica looked as good as she always did, framed by the sunlight as she stood in the open garage door, and Duke felt a pang of anxiety as she noticed the direct attention that Veronica had fixed upon her. It was that same expression that she sometimes caught from Veronica in the idle moments when the other girl didn’t think she was looking: she still hadn’t been able to puzzle out what it meant. As she considered that, Veronica seemed to actually register the fact that Duke was looking back at her, her face flushing slightly as she plastered on an awkward smile, fixing her gaze above Heather’s shoulders as she did. Heather quickly found the responsibility for the conversation lay in her hands: she set aside her implements, wiped her hands clean of the grease that coated them, and stepped over to the other girl.
“How was Brown? As much ivy as you expected?”
“Good! Uh, not really. Same with the French cafes.”
Duke snickered at her reply, sidling over as she did.
“Shame, I was looking forward to those.”
Veronica just nodded and Duke felt a small note of concern as she considered the other girl: she seemed anxious, fidgeting awkwardly as her eyes remained fixed on Heather, her face still flushed despite the fact that she was out of the sun.
“Are you okay?”
She stepped closer, Veronica taking a step back and blushing further. Duke quirked an eyebrow as Veronica choked out a response, her words surprisingly awkward and rushed for the usually well spoken girl.
“Yeah, uh, I guess I just need some water? Yeah, the sun is killing me. Lemonade, maybe?”
With a forced laugh, she stepped around Heather, rushing past her workstation and into the house through the interior door. Duke was left feeling rather disconcerted: Veronica didn’t seem upset with her but her behavior there had been strange. She seemed embarrassed though Heather hadn’t felt that she was being judged, though nothing immediately came to mind as a possible cause for the other girl’s embarrassment.
She tried to content herself by getting back to work, leveraging the welcoming complexity of the activity to brutally smother the small sprout of nervousness that had begun to bloom after Veronica’s rapid departure from the room. She focused her efforts more towards examining the latest section of the engine for any deformities, a manual in one hand to act as a reference as she worked. The longer that Veronica was away, the more difficult it became to not slip inside the house, to seek out the other girl and question her until she could discover what was wrong. It was only her trust in the other girl that allowed her to remain where she was.
Any latent worries were dispelled when Veronica returned about fifteen minutes later, seemingly much more composed after her stint inside. With her, she carried two glasses of lemonade, the ice clinking together in the glass as she made her way over to the car, allowing her to take one of the glasses into her hand. Heather’s hand shuddered slightly at the cold condensation of the glass and she offered a nod of appreciation to Veronica. She took the opportunity to clean her hands once more before wiping the perspiration from her brow and taking a sip from the glass.
The tangy sweetness of the lemonade was a welcome balm to the burning heat of the summer, the fresh lemons from the small Meyer tree in the sunroom having long provided a homegrown source for the namesake ingredient of the drink.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
The silence that followed that was surprisingly comfortable after the somewhat rocky beginning, both of them settling into their respective positions in the garage, Veronica settling into a position on one of the more barren counters while Duke once again delved into the hood of the engine. Veronica was seemingly content to watch her work, that peculiar expression once more appearing as she swapped between glancing through the scattered magazines and intently watching Heather’s progress, sipping lemonade all the while. She decided not to question it at the moment, simply trusting that Veronica would raise the matter with her if it was truly important.
The next two hours passed quickly as Duke mechanically cataloged each part of her engine, carefully examining every component for faults or damage, cleaning it, and returning it to its intended position. Her work eventually bore fruit, the actual issue having been relatively trivial when compared to the investment of time, though she couldn’t bring herself to be annoyed by that. Rather, she was aflame with pride as she considered her handiwork, delighted at having been able to resolve the issue herself. While it may have been a small achievement, it was one that she could confidently claim as her own, something that she could attribute to her own merit and skill rather than the use of her parent’s money or coercion.
Veronica, always quick on the uptake, seemed to notice her happy glow quite quickly, uncrossing her legs and sauntering over to her workspace, taking up a position at her side.
“Did you manage to fix it?”
Heather found herself grinning in response, unable to restrain her glee: while she’d yet to test it, she was certain it would work and it was that confidence that spurred on her next words.
“How about a drive to find out?”
She was once more delighted by the smile that emerged on Veronica’s face as she considered the proposition. While she nodded, the other girl motioned to Duke’s current apparel as she did.
“Maybe clean up a bit first?”
Heather paused, blushing as she took a moment to consider her own appearance: her apparel was grungy and sweat stained while her skin was still streaked with the grease from the engine. After a moment of consideration, she conceded the issue.
“That works for me.”
The cold water of the shower was a welcome relief after a day of working in the baking heat of the garage: while it had been easy to ignore the heat in the moment, she couldn’t deny the comfort it brought to wash away the accumulated sweat and grime of the day. While it was rather tempting to take her time in the shower, the fact that Veronica would be left waiting for her is what ultimately spurred her out of the comfort of the shower. Despite her somewhat more hurried pace, she still took the time needed to ensure her hair was up to her usual standards: Heather had always said that her hair was her best feature and Duke could never quite allow herself to let it sink below the quality that Heather seemed to expect, even if she wasn’t present. She allowed herself more leeway with her outfit, dressing for the chill she knew would likely come in the time after dark.
Still, the time she took to ready herself was of some utility as it allowed her to decide upon their destination for the evening: for some reason, their usual jaunts around town didn’t feel appropriate, particularly given the fact that they were so near to the end of the summer season, that this might be the last opportunity they have to spend time together without the weight of Westerburg’s expectations. That was a thought she’d been trying to ignore for some time as she wasn’t entirely sure how to address it: Veronica had become such a fundamental part of her life over the summer that she couldn’t imagine returning to something like the old normal… but there was no world in which it could be safe to bring Veronica into the vicinity of Heather. Duke knew from experience that Heather needed only proximity to dig her claws into someone and she didn’t want to bring Veronica any closer to her than she had to. The other girl was stronger than her, better than her, and Veronica was smart enough to be able to see that: Duke didn’t want to put her in a position where she could choose between them.
She did her best to ward off those thoughts though, instead attempting to determine a location that would provide a fitting capstone for Veronica’s companionship over the summer: she needed something special, something better than their usual bouts of relaxation, as lovely as those were. She needed something that could make a memory…
Or perhaps something from a memory.
She knew where she would take Veronica.
When she’d finally completed the expedited process of readying herself, she wasn’t surprised to find that Veronica had kept herself busy as she always did: the pair of sandwiches would be a decidedly welcome addition to the excursion she had planned, easily making up for their mutual lack of an evening meal. In the end, the only other item she felt necessary for their short trip was the thick wooly blanket that she retrieved from one of the hall closets.
By the time that they’d loaded the car with their small collection of items, the last rays of sunlight were just barely visible over the horizon, providing just enough light for Heather to begin their journey with some well warranted caution. Her focus on the road did little to diminish her conversational capacity, the easy banter and chatter that flowed between them having become the norm for journeys like this.
Her planned route took them out of Sherwood proper, leaving the lights of the town behind them as they passed into the rolling farmland that surrounded the town. Before long, they had escaped that as well, rolling into an area that could actually be considered the countryside: while it was further afield than they usually traveled, Duke knew this route well, even if it wasn’t a particularly regular excursion for her. Veronica seemed a bit surprised as they left the town, though Duke was deeply pleased at the absence of any kind of suspicion in the idle sarcasm that coated her next words.
“If we’re running away, I’d appreciate a bit of an advance warning.”
“Not yet, Ronnie. We’d want to pack a lot more than we’ve got now if we were going to do that."
Her reply was flippant as she did her best to ignore the strange sort of appeal that Veronica’s dry joke had carried, instead using it as an opportunity to delve into a side tangent discussing what exactly they would bring if they were to, hypothetically of course, run away from Sherwood. That line of discourse managed to keep them occupied long enough for them to reach the destination that Duke had decided upon, the audible transition from the paved country road onto the crunchy gravel parking lot serving as a rather inauspicious announcement of their arrival.
It was fortunate that they had managed to claim this space for themselves, though Duke suspected that there wasn’t much competition for it: few people from Sherwood would choose to drive this far out of town unless they had a personal motive like she did.
She dismounted from the jeep without any difficulties, clasping a small electric lantern tightly in hand as she did, making her way around to assist Veronica in exiting the vehicle: while she didn’t doubt that the other girl was capable of doing it on her own, it didn’t feel right just leaving her to fumble in the dark. Veronica carried with her the picnic basket and large wooly blanket, leaving Duke to heft the lantern and guide the way, the small pool of light that exuded from it providing them with the necessary illumination to navigate across the darkened ground, even as the nearly fully moon shone brightly above.
Heather easily led them beyond the parking lot, past the assortment of steel park grills and aging picnic tables that dotted the cleared area adjacent to the parking lot, instead focusing her attention on one of the rolling slopes that bordered it. The hill she had chosen was a gentle incline, something that proved itself quite fortunate for their endeavors, though the dampness of the grass beneath their feet proved rather disadvantageous as it proved to be a rather treacherous adversary. She would have been beyond embarrassed if either herself or Veronica had slipped and she found herself offering up a small prayer when they’d managed to crest the hill with little more than a close scare.
The sight that greeted them when they reached the summit of the mound was stunning and Heather found herself quietly enjoying the expression on Veronica’s face as she dragged her eyes across it for the first time. Before them was the great expanse of the Ohio River, the long and winding waterway trailing across the landscape like a great snake, the water shining luxuriantly in the mellow and silvery light of the moonlit sky.
Heather quietly layed out the fleece blanket upon the vibrant green grass, easing herself down onto it as Veronica marveled at the sight that Heather had led her to, a smile spreading across the brunette’s face as she reveled in the opportunity to share this special spot with someone that was special to her, a bout of nostalgia leading her to once more sink into remembrance of what this spot represented for her.
It was one of the few places in Sherwood that could conjure up some semblance of nostalgia within her, the comfortable familiarity it carried a reminder of better times, ones not tainted by the bitter rot that seemed to pervade so much of her hometown. Strangely enough, it was a memory that was associated with her parents: she’d been young when they first came here, she wasn’t sure how young now, but her parents had been far more… caring than they were now. The trip here had ushered forth a rare degree of excitement in her father: she hadn’t understood why until she’d been graced with the same sight that Veronica now found herself marveling at.
But the sight of the river and moon, while among the most stunning sights Heather had ever been subjected to, still paled in comparison to the stars above. It was the stars overhead that had ushered forth the transformation of the always austere patriarch of the Duke family, the man speaking with a degree of passion and vigor that had left her enthralled as he exposited at length about the grand myths and legends that flavored the glorious tapestry of stars that spread across the skies above them. While the man that she’d shared that evening with didn’t exist outside of her memories, it was an image of her father that she clung to whenever she desired a reprieve from the painful reality of their relationship.
It was Veronica’s presence alone that allowed her to divert her thoughts from the all to common contemplations of her past failings, her mind instead consumed by the fact that her companion was now starting to shiver in the evening cold: while Heather had been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to redress for the chill she knew would accompany their outside excursions, Veronica was still clad in her far lighter day garb. After a moment of consideration, Heather found herself choosing action rather than regret as she spoke, taking on an inviting tone towards the shivering girl as she did.
“Wanna sit down?”
“Sure.”
Veronica broke from her trance, nodding jerkily as she joined Heather on the blanket. Heather hesitated for a moment as she saw another shiver, finally deciding to scoot closer to the other girl, gingerly snaking an arm around her shoulder as she did: it was a simple decision, they’d be warmer together, that was all. Veronica only paused for the barest moment before accepting Heather’s offered embrace, nestling in closer to the other girl as they both turned their attention to the skies above.
When she looked up, it felt as though her worries and fears were washed away, subsumed by the heavenly sea of lights above, each pinprick of light gleaming in the all consuming darkness of the sky around it. It was a wondrous sight to behold and it did not take long for her to begin to mimic the enthusiasm of her father, the words coming awkwardly at first as she pulled upon those happy memories, growing more confident as the words began to come more easily, her father’s stories of the constellations and stars above now flowing through her lips.
It was a mystical sort of experience, bathing in light of the stars and sky together, and Duke found herself feeling as though it simultaneously lasted an eternity and ended far too quickly as she exhausted her reservoir of half remembered stories. In the silence that followed, they contented themselves with sheltering in one another’s warmth as they took in the starry tapestry overhead.
She wanted this moment to last forever.
When she finally tore her gaze from the sky, she found it instead drifting towards her companion, Veronica’s soft face illuminated by the cool luster of the celestial bodies that she’d been fixated upon moments before. Her attention was fixated entirely on the other girl as she found herself considering her as she had the skies above, taking in her fluffy hair, her small and honest smile, her bright eyes, and every other feature that she could lay her eyes upon.
Veronica was beautiful.
It was an insane thought, one thought crept through her defenses in that wonderful unguarded moment, but it was one that took Heather’s mind like a storm, easily capturing her attention as found herself all too tempted to bridge that small gap between them and draw the other girl into a kiss. Abandoning any sense of reason or consideration, Duke found herself leaning forward, her heart alight as she felt the other girl’s warm exhalation against her lips, meeting her eyes as she drew closer into their embrace, a sense of maddened delight flowing through her as she met the other girl’s lips.
It was tender and simple, lacking any of the discomfort she’d grown so used to accompanying what had become little more than a token of fake and forced intimacy, instead carrying with it a buoying sense of euphoria as she lost herself in that moment, feeling as though the loneliness and anguish of the so many years was washed away in that moment.
It was wonderful.
It was good .
It was…
Wrong.
Her breathing hitched.
She pulled back and the emptiness that has so temporarily been held at bay crashed back as if it were a great wave, the cold of the doubt and uncertainty she now found herself drowning in freezing her very lungs, leaving her struggling for breath. She felt as though she was going to choke as she jerkily broke their embrace, pushing herself to the edge of the blanket, desperate to find some sort of distance as she struggled to assert some kind of order or sanity over the chaotic thoughts that now whirled within her mind. She couldn’t even bring herself to meet the other girl's eyes, clutching her legs close, the shame and fear that had simmered within her for so long finally bubbling over and preventing her from seeing the mixture of confusion, hurt, and concern that now filled Veronica’s eyes.
What was she thinking?
What was she doing?
What did she just do ?
Oh no.