I Wish You Were a Girl (I'm Not Sorry That You're Not)
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The first time Rolan brings it up is on an autumn night in senior year. They’re on the verge of greening out, so high things don’t feel real, laying on the floor of Rand’s parents’ attic.
“Y’know, I wish you were a girl.”
It breaks the silence like the tolling of a bell. The clock ticks over to three in the morning.
“Whaddya mean?” Rand asks.
“It’d be easier. Easier than living… living like this.”
Rolan doesn’t elaborate any further.
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Sitting in front of Rand, hair still damp from dunking his head in the god-damned bayou, is Rolan Deep. He’s halfway to death, blood staining his suit jacket, arm in a cast, in a sling, inside his torn-up shirt sleeves. He looks just as scared as Rand feels, fingers twitching with nerves. It’s a familiar sight; he had the same habit in high school. Rand remembers kicking his shin under the table during DnD when the fidgeting pissed him off one too many times. He thinks he regrets it. Rand remembers shotgunning weed together on his twin-sized bed as an apology afterwards. He doesn’t regret that.
Rolan’s asked Rand to kill him, once this is over. Sure, he might be one of those bug-monster-things, but Rand looks in his eyes and sees the same boy he's missed all this time.
They’ve missed so much time, and Rand knows Rolan feels it, too.
Set early episode 4, after Rolan discovers he's... not quite human. This fic is a spiritual successor to Tim, I Wish You Were Born a Girl, but you don't need to have read that one for this to make sense.
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