Number1dickrider
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“Sooo have you actually had gay sex?” Victor asks genuinely curious.
Robert tilts his head, an actual grin breaking through. “Have the news ever lied to you?”
Everyone stares at Robert. He just shrugs.
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Or the SDN makes the horrible executive decision to put Robert onstage as the Z-Team’s hero representative, fully aware that his PR experience consists of half a prayer and a legacy doing most of the heavy lifting. Robert takes the microphone and runs with it, feeding Los Angeles the most outrageous half-truths he can get away with.
The Z-Team slowly realizes their dispatcher is a public menace.
Unfortunately, they are completely whipped.
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- English
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Bookmarked by Number1dickrider
16 Jan 2026
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It was 8.30am, he hadn’t had a coffee yet and the sun falling in through the window blinded him in his left eye when he learned three things.
One: There were horrors beyond their imaginations out there. Precisely, in the hallway.
Two: They had been brought in as caregivers of sorts, meant to take responsibility for some weird, slimy tentacle monsters with shapeshifting and inhuman fighting abilities.
Three: This was not a joke and no, they were not allowed to back out, since they had signed a contract in which “animal handling” was listed under “expected duties”.As if this shit compared to a K9.
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Or: Horangi meets the horror of the deep. To his mortification, the horror seems to take an unsettling interest in him…
Bookmarked by Number1dickrider
12 Jan 2026
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“Does it ever bother you?" Blazer asked. "That the public doesn’t know? I mean, most of us keep our identities secret, but that’s a pretty big part of yourself to hide from everyone.”
Robert swirled her drink a little as though she might find the truth written at the bottom of the glass. It felt right to give the question some thought instead of defaulting to her usual jokes and quips.
“Nah,” she said eventually, and knew that she meant it. “I am Mecha Man, and Mecha Man is me. Or at least he was, before he got Fourth of July’ed in the background of a TikTok dancing video. What a shitty way to go.”
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The female!Robert AU where everything and nothing changes at the same time.
Series
- Part 2 of Dispatch AUs
- Language:
- English
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Bookmarked by Number1dickrider
25 Dec 2025
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Also know as "The 5 Times Robert Showed his Team How Much of a Normie He Wasn’t and the 1 Time They were Reminded Brutally How Normie He Was".
Robert Robertson the Third doesn't have the same pain tolerance most humans do. The Z-Team isn't used to it.
- Language:
- English
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- 15,213
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- 7/7
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Bookmarked by Number1dickrider
16 Dec 2025
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But then he sees it.
The unmistakable sight of something staring at him – eyes positioned just above the water level.
Ghost blinks. He blames it on a hallucination – sleep deprivation playing tricks on his taxed mind. He knows this and still he doesn’t move. The water ripples around the thing, disturbed by its presence at the surface. He scrubs a hand over his face, a last minute attempt in waking his sorry arse up. By the time his hand falls away, the eyes are gone.
He doesn't get a minute of sleep that night.
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Stationed at a remote base on the edge of the Norwegian Sea, Ghost assumes the worst he'll face is the bitter cold, isolation, and a shark or two. What he doesn't prepare for is something watching him from the docks, showing up again and again.
It's not human, but doesn't seem hostile and won't leave.
Ghost is starting to wonder if he even wants it to.
Bookmarked by Number1dickrider
23 Nov 2025