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Three weeks.
It had been three weeks since Ezra had lost his arm. Three weeks since he screamed hysterically in a half drugged straight, clawing at the arm that no longer was there. Three weeks since he lay helpless on a hospital bed, doctors and surgeons working tirelessly to attach the new arm he had.
And it had been three weeks since Hera had seen Ezra.
As soon as he was released from the Med-center he disappeared into his room. Even Zeb didn’t see him, the young man’s sleep schedule now shifted to where he slept when no one was there. At least, she hoped he was sleeping. He didn’t come for meals, outings or missions of any kind. Kanan could sense him, but faintly, and every time he did he sensed great pain and sorrow. He had tried a few times to find him, but whenever he got near the Force signature vanished. Sabine, who normally had contacted him from Mandalore every week or two was worried. She mentioned having not spoken to him since the incident, a twinge of guilt in her voice. Hera assured her it was alright, and that when Ezra was ready he’d contact her. She remembered the immediate conversation she had with Kanan after that.
“It would seem he doesn’t want to be found.”
Kana muttered as he sipped a cup of caf. This was the fifth time he had tried, to no avail, and he was beginning to wonder if it was best to leave him be.
“Kanan… Remember what happened with you?”
Kanan’s lips pursed at the memory.
“Yeah, but he’s not like me. If we try and force him to talk, we might just make it worse. I’ll keep tabs on him to make sure he’s ok, but we have to let him come to terms with it on his own.”
It was Hera’s turn to purse her lips, not liking this at all. Ever since they picked Ezra up from Lothal she found herself doting on the boy. She didn’t think anyone could blame her though, not after what he went through as a child. She remembered the time he got sick only a week after joining the crew, finding out how he never had shots and vaccinations. She remembered hearing the doctor’s examination details, and all the infections he had from all the years of living alone. She remembered the first time he ate something too rich, his body rejecting it immediately. She remembered when he took a bite of a slightly harder than normal ration bar, his face wincing in discomfort. It took her days, but she finally convinced him to see a dentist. And she remembered how appalled she was at the condition of his teeth.
But he never complained or fussed about any of it, any time he was asked about why he never said anything, he just shrugged and said “No one ever cared about a Loth-rat like me.”
It broke her heart.
“I suppose… I just have a bad feeling about this.”
That was a week ago, and she hadn’t seen or felt his presence aboard the Ghost. She missed Ezra, the little boy who brought a special joy into their lives gone.
Not little anymore. He’s grown up, matured.
But she couldn’t shake that fact. To her, he’d always be the little Loth-rat they saved.
And perhaps, who saved us.
She sighed, almost flopping back further into the Ghost’s galley seats. It was early morning now, everyone else asleep. Even Chopper had shut down for the night, plugging into the recharge port. She held the slowly cooling caf in her hands, unable to think or rest. She rose, cup in hand, and crept quietly to the cockpit. She found the pilot’s seat to be her comfort zone, the place where everything seemed right. Was about to key pad when she heard a soft whimpering come from the other side. She stood still for a moment, ear pressed near the door. She realized who was tearing up from behind the doors, and she quickly opened the door, not wanting to lose the source. The door slid open with a hiss, Ezra staring up at the starry sky above. As soon as he heard the door he turned, his eyes red and puffy. He bolted from the seat, moving at a speed Hera though near impossible, jumping down the ladder that led to the cargo hold.
“Ezra, wait!”
Hera reached out to try and stop him, but he was out of her sight. She dropped her caf cup and bolted after him, although she couldn’t follow his action, so she had to climb down the ladder. She hit the first landing, turning to hear and see the Cargo bay door opening. She rushed down the second ladder, intent on not letting him go. She had tried to follow Kanan’s advice, but she couldn’t stand it any longer. She made it to the floor and turned, seeing Ezra disappearing into the darkness of the docking zone.
“Ezra!”
She ran after him, not caring anymore about letting him sort it out. He seemed to falter as she chased him, and she realized he was going towards the Phantom II.
“Ezra! Please!”
At the word ‘please’ he slowed to a stop, and the closer she got, the more she realized how shaken up he really was. She watched as his shoulders shook, his breathing ragged. She heard soft sobs, as his hands and arms stiffened against his sides. She slowed too, but continued to move closer. She stopped a foot behind him, tentatively reaching a hand out. She placed it on his shoulders in a comforting way, and that moment he seemed to break beneath the weight of her kindness.
“I’m sorry.”
His voice was a quiet whisper, and his breaking broke her. Hera quickly pulled him into a tight hug. For a moment he didn’t respond except with a stifled sob, but she found his arms had moved to hug her back. She stood there for a moment, gently whispering soothing words to him as a hand ran up to stroke his head. He sobbed for a few moments longer, before sniffling and looking up at her.
“I’m so sorry Hera.”
She shushed him gently, pressing a hand against the back of his head to reassure him.
“Hush, there’s nothing to be sorry about.”
He continued to sniffle, the tears having stopped at last.
“I could… I could feel the worry radiating off you. Kanan too.”
“Everyone is worried about you Ezra. Even Chopper misses you aboard the ship, and Zeb might never admit it, but he misses his roommate. Even Sabine called me to say she missed you.”
Ezra’s face fell slightly, but Hera would have none of it. She gently placed a few fingers beneath his chin, lifting his head up to face her.
“No one’s mad at you Ezra, we all just miss you.”
He averted his eyes from her, unable to look at her for the moment. He gently unlocked himself from her, taking a step back, one arm folding across his chest to grab the other, metallic one. He recoiled at the touch of his own body.
“But I’m no good anymore.”
His words we so quiet she almost missed them, but there was nothing but them and the quiet ships around her.
“What do you mean?”
The question seemed to break something in him, and the damn that held the tears broke once more.
“I MEAN I’M BROKEN!”
His shouts echoed slightly, but no one was around to listen but her. She hadn’t really imagined he thought of himself in such a way, her brain never seeing anything but the small, fragile boy they took aboard. Even then, he was never a broken child. The only time he ever seemed broken was when he found about his parents. But he seemed to bounce back every time, all smiles and good natured jabs. But this? This was something she’d only ever seen once. He had the same angry look that Kanan did when they returned from Malachor, the words he spoke almost a mirror. She swallowed, unable to suppress the memories of how closed off Kanan had become during that time. She couldn’t bear to see Ezra do the same.
“Ezra, sweetheart, you’re not broke-“
Ezra’s eyes, still red and puffy, were filled with a renewed anger. But it wasn’t at her, she could hear it in his voice.
“How can you say that Hera! Look at me!”
He raised his new arm, and Hera couldn’t help but wince ever so slightly. She remembered the burnt stump that was there when he returned from that fateful mission, and the memories of the time in the med-center flooded back.
“I can’t even protect myself! How can I protect all of you?”
The words stopped Hera’s thoughts as she looked at him with a newfound curiosity.
“Ezra, no one needs you t-“
“BUT I DO! I can’t lose anymore family! I can’t watch anyone else go! No one else! Not a single person!”
She remembered Ezra’s face ever seeming so lost only three times. News of his parents, when they talked about Kanan’s blindness, and when Sabine left. She took a step forward, wanting nothing but to hug the boy and never let him go, but he continued his venting.
“But I couldn’t even save myself! Now look at me!”
He held out the offending item, and she finally noticed how it shook and spasmed.
“It’s not the arm, I had the doctor’s check, it’s fine. No, this is me. And if this is what happens, how can I hold a lightsaber or a blaster? What if I can’t stop a detonator coming at us because of my arm? Or get a door open in time? I can’t even fly a ship properly anymore!”
He began to break down into sobs once more, and Hera rushed to Ezra, holding him against her as she soothed him once more.
“Ezra, look at me please.”
This time he obeyed, the sad blue eyes before her breaking the last of her strength.
“Ezra… We can’t control what happens. Something might happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after. Remember when I was in the hospital after the Concord Dawn incident?“
He nodded, the memory flashing in his eyes.
“A lot of bad could have happened, but we made it out ok. And we keep going. We can’t just stop because of our fear of the bad things that could happen. We push on, because we can’t let fear win. And like when I was hurt, you aren’t alone. We’re all here for you, we always have been and will be for as long as we can.”
He exhaled slowly, the hot breath pushing past her. She kept her hold on him tight, afraid he might run off if she let go, but found instead he turned to her with a small smile. It didn’t seem like much to anyone else, but to her, it meant everything was going to be alright.
“I’m sorry Hera.”
She smiled and stroked a hand through his short hair.
“Nothing to be sorry about. Just come home ok?”
He nodded, releasing a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
“Ok… Let me just get my stuff.”
She released him and watched as he moved to the Phantom II, keying in the access code. The door slid open, and she followed him into the shuttle. She shook her head as he retrieved a pillow and blanket from under one of the seats. She hadn’t noticed that, wondering how he managed to hide these for the last few weeks. It made sense, seeing as she never saw him aboard the ghost, but she figured she would have seen something was amiss. But, Ezra always good at hiding things, and this was no exception. He saw her looking and chuckled sheepishly at her slightly annoyed look.
“Sor-“
“Ezra, I love you dearly, but if you say sorry one more time I’m going to smack you.”
The tone and the smile on her lips caused him to relax, realizing she was teasing. At least he hoped she was.
“Yes Ma’am.”
She took a few steps forward, standing at the cockpit as she looked up at the beautiful night sky above them. It was almost picturesque. Ezra joined her as they starred together at the stars that shone above.
“I dreamed of you some nights, when the stars were bright like this.”
She was taken aback by his quiet statement, and she turned and gave him a quizzical look. He continued to look up to the stars, but clarified his statement.
“I dreamed we would fly together in the stars, and you’d be proud of the pilot I’d become.”
Her heart broke at the unspoken words. She didn’t need him to say it, but she knew how he’d never really need to impress anyone, or make them proud. Except his parents. She remembered how he told her about all the things he wanted to tell them, of all the things he did that he hoped they’d be proud of him for. And she could only nod, for she was proud of him, both then and now.
“Ezra… I couldn’t be more proud of you if you were my own son. And in many ways, you are. You’ll always be family, and we will always be proud of you. I’ll always be proud of you.”
New tears welled in his eyes, but they weren’t of pain or sadness anymore. They were of love and adoration, and he quietly wrapped his arms around Hera. She smiled and wrapped an arm around him, looking up at the stars. After a moment a cheeky smirk grew on Hera’s lips and she uncoupled herself from the boy, who gave her a quizzical look. She slid into the pilot’s seat and began to flip the switches and press the buttons, the shuttle flickering to life. She reached over and hit the comms.
“This is Phoenix leader, requesting permission to take off from dock 98.”
There was a short moment of static before the comms came to life.
“This is Yavin Home, where are you going so late?”
“Yavin Home, Specter 6 and I are just going on a quick fly, we’ll be back in a bit.”
There was more static in response, but at last a request came through, the voice different, feminine now.
“This is Yavin Home, you are cleared for takeoff. Don’t stay out too long Hera.”
Hera smiled.
“Copy that Yavin Home… And thank you Senator Mothma.”
As the shuttle door closed up behind them Ezra turned to Hera and gave her a curious glance. She simply smiled at him innocently.
“What? You think you and Sabine are the only rebellious ones? We ARE a rebellion after all. Besides, I need a co-pilot.”
The words hit him suddenly and a bright and brilliant smile lit up his face. He slid into the co-pilot seat and began to hit the appropriate switches and buttons, not realizing that his arm had stopped shaking.
And as the Phantom II rose up and began to soar through the clouds and into the stars, Ezra turned and gave Hera a smile that she would always remember, and truly believed everything would be alright.