Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Aunt Mito…” Gon spoke lowly to his mother-figure. “I think…”

“What is it, Gon?” She asked as she re-stacked the plates. When he didn't immediately answer, she turned to face him. The look on his face was serious. “Is something wrong?”

“... Killua's gonna drop.” Gon said, picking his gaze up to lock with hers.

Mito blinked before looking over at where the white-haired boy sat on the porch watching clouds roll by. He seemed perfectly fine to her. His fingers weren't shaking and he didn't seem easily spooked. Plus, he was far younger than any other subs usually presented, but…

Gon’s instincts were never wrong.

“I can take care of him.” She said, turning to start on the plates again, but Gon stopped her.

“He won't trust you enough to drop.” Gon said, voice just as firm as his previous statement. “I’ll have to do it.”

Mito wanted to argue, but she saw the look in his eyes. She would never win an argument against that stubborn glare.

“What do you need me to do?” She asked.

“Distract him for a while? I’m gonna go draw a bath.” Gon frowned, deep in thought. “If you could set towels near the fire and get a small stack of sandwiches made up, that’d be good too.”

Mito hummed to show acknowledgement. Gon beamed at her and dashed up the stairs. His thundering feet alerted Killua to his leave.

“Oi! Gon!” The pale boy shouted, gracefully shifting to his feet. “Where are you going?”

“He’s just drawing a bath.” Mito answered him, causing the boy to stop at the bottom of the stairs, one foot on the first step. “Could you help me, Killua?”

The boy rocked back on his heels, face unconcerned, but his hands were shoved deep into his pockets in defense.

Mito smiled gently at him. “Could you please stack these plates up for me?”

The pale boy frowned but ambled over. “Aren't we just going to get them back out again?”

“Mmm, not these ones.” Mito said off-handedly. “Just match them with their piles while I start on dinner.”

“Mm.” Killua grunted, taking his hands from his pockets to reach for the first plate. With her own eyes, Mito couldn't see even the barest hint of a tremble, so whatever tipped Gon off must have been very minute.

Mito turned away then, allowing the boy to slowly go about his business without eyes watching him. She got out the veggies and meat she would need for sandwiches and started cutting them to size. She wouldn't put them together until after the two had finished in the bath. After all, soggy sandwiches were no one's favorite.

“Finished.” Killua said from her elbow. Mito held herself back from jumping in surprise, but only barely. Blue eyes watched her with innocent curiosity. Mito gave a quick glance to where the dishes had been re-stacked with efficiency.

Smiling at the boy, she tousled his hair. “Good job, Killua.”

The boy had stiffened at her touch, but the praise left his cheeks a little pink. It was obvious he wasn't used to either. Mito took her hand back to work on the ham. “Go on ahead to the bath now. Dinner will be ready when you're done.”

“Kay.” Killua said quietly, turning to amble up the stairs. Though he moved slowly, she could see the eager gleam in his eyes as he climbed the stairs.

Mito sighed. These boys would definitely be a handful.

*          *          *          *          *

Killua had been feeling the tug of the void for the last few months. The first time he’d felt it had been when Zushi had attempted Ren against him in their 50’s match. The spike of aura felt so much like Illumi that Killua had nearly been caught in a vicious flashback. Had Wing not stopped Zushi when he did, the void might have swallowed Killua and left the boy with a bloody corpse when he awoke.

As it was, the void still sat at the back of his mind, lurking as every use of Nen afterwards chipped at Killua’s will. Killua knew it was only a matter of time before it consumed him again, but he’d managed to keep it at bay.  The void grew quieter around Gon and yesterday’s bath had made the itching stop –only for the night, but it was the first good night’s sleep he’d had in a while. The thought of some sort of counter measure to the void had Killua nearly bouncing on his heels in glee. If he kept it away long enough, would it disappear?

Killua reached the top of the stairs before he started unzipping his jacket. The walk to the bathroom was a short one, but by the time he got there, he’d already slipped off his jacket and tugged his shirt over his head.

“Gon, I’m coming in!” Killua called as he dumped his shirt and jacket outside the bathroom. Opening the door, he found his friend already out of the tub, scrubbing at his hair in an effort to dry his spiky locks. Killua felt his stomach lurch. “Are you… are you already done?”

“Yup!” His friend chirped, head popping up from under the towel. Gon took the towel and proceeded to wrap it around his waist. “It’s okay! I can still wash your back!”

Despite his heavy heart, Killua scoffed and crossed his arms, “I’m fine! I’m not a little kid!”

Gon stared at him for a minute, smile dropping from his face. The playful air was abruptly gone, leaving Killua a little… fearful wasn’t the word. Apprehensive worked.

“Killua,” Gon started, grabbing his friend’s attention again. “I know you’re going to drop.”

Killua blinked.

“You can feel the zone at the edge of your mind, can’t you?” Gon asked. Killua froze at his friend’s words. “I can help you.”

How did Gon know?

How did he know about the void? How did he know that it was creeping along in the back of Killua’s mind? How did he know it was so close?

How did he think he could help?

“You need to let it happen, Killua.” Gon continued. “It’ll get worse if you don’t.”

Killua knew that! But the other option… letting the void take him over… he would be left with more blood on his hands. Just like the time during the Hunter’s Exam.

Killua didn’t want to do that anymore.

He drew his shoulders up as his eyes slid down to glare at the tiled floor. Who was Gon to tell him that he needed it? Didn’t he realize how much Killua was trying to stop? Trying to be normal? He didn’t want to fall again!

“Killua.” Gon called gently. The pale boy looked up, eyes wide in frustration and fear. His hands shook where he had hidden them beneath his arms. His dark-haired friend held out a hand, eyes bright with sincerity. “Do you trust me?”

… How could Gon ask something like that? They’d been through Heaven’s Arena together, through the Hunter’s Exam –hell, Gon had followed him to his house in order to get him back.

Killua didn’t have a lot of experience with friends, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t normal.

Killua stared at the offered hand before locking gazes with the soft, brown eyes. “Yes.”

He didn’t take Gon’s hand.

“Then you can trust me with this.” Gon said. He looked like he wanted to step forward, to crowd Killua in, but he stayed put. He kept his hand steady. “I’ll make sure you’re safe.”

“S’not me I’m worried about.” Killua mumbled, his gaze dropping to the proffered hand again.

There was a pause, where Gon seemed to think his words over, then, “I’ll make sure you won’t hurt anyone else either.”

It was a lie, even if Gon thought he was telling the truth. The other boy wouldn’t be able to stop Killua if the void took him over. He wouldn’t be able to stop him… but he might be able to buy time until Killua could regain control. And maybe… the void wouldn’t even take over in the first place. It was always quieter around Gon. Maybe it would be quiet enough for Killua to ignore.

“It’ll make you feel better.” Gon said, voice gentle and coaxing –as if Killua wasn’t tempted enough. “It’ll be real nice.”

Killua swallowed thickly and slowly reached out with one shaking hand. “…Okay.”

*          *          *          *          *

“Do you want me to undress you? Or would you rather do it?” Gon asked, hand firm around his friend’s.

“I-I can do it.” Killua stuttered, face reddening. He tried to reclaim his hand, but Gon didn't let him go until he had his attention again.

“It's not a question of can,” Gon said, “It’s a question of want.”

The statement made Killua pause, confused, but he still withdrew his hand, this time without resistance. While his friend finished undressing, Gon checked the water. Normally, he didn't want it too hot because it might drop a sub harshly, but he doubted that would happen to Killua. His friend boasted a lot about his pain tolerance, so Gon doubted a few degrees difference in temperature would affect him much. Besides, Killua liked it hotter than Gon did most days.

“Now what?” Killua asked, his clothes thrown out on the other side of the door. He stood naked and pink-faced; arms crossed once again.

“Do you have a safe word?” Gon asked, finding confidence in his usual routine.

“A what now?” Killua looked half-confused, half-embarrassed.

“A safe word is a-!”

“I know what it is!” Killua hissed, face reddening more. “I just don't know why I need one!”

Gon frowned. Even the most newly presented sub knew and recognized the importance of safe words. The fact the Killua didn't was… worrisome.

“It's to let me know that you don't like something.” Gon continued. “Or if you want me to slow down.”

“Can’t I just say 'stop’?” Killua grumbled.

Gon raised an eyebrow, “did you stop our wrestling match the other day when I asked?”

The look on his friend’s face turned sullen. “No, but… that’s different!”

“Not really.” Gon answered, turning to grab the bath stool and drag it over to one end of the bath. “A safe word is one that’ll I will stop for, no matter the circumstances. It’s good practice to use one, typically something that can't be accidentally used in conversation, but is still easy to remember.”

Killua fell quiet, mulling over these new facts. Finally, he whispered, “I can't… think of one.”

Gone shrugged. “We can use the color system if you want.”

Blue eyes narrowed, “What’s that?”

“Just like it sounds, it uses three colors for different conditions.” Gon held up his fingers to list them off. “Green means that you’re okay with whatever it is I'm doing. Yellow means that you want me to slow down or talk it out. It can mean you’re uncomfortable or unsure, but I’ll check in regardless. Red means to stop, that you don't like whatever it is we’re doing and you don't want to do it anymore.”

“Like traffic lights.” Killua said, a hint of recognition in his voice.

“Sure.” Gon shrugged, not knowing what a traffic light was. The island didn't have any and he hadn't paid too much attention while he and Killua traveled.

“I guess… we can do that.” Killua tucked his hands back under his arms. “But I don't think I need…”

“It’s not just for you.” Gon said, cocking his head to the side. “If I'm uncomfortable or want to stop, I’ll use the words too. It’s a two way road.”

Killua looked a bit more understanding at that. The pale boy squirmed a bit before shrugging, “So what now?”

“Now, you get in the tub.” Gon pointed to the bathtub as if Killua needed clarification.

“Okay~?” Killua raised an eyebrow. “And what about you?”

“I’m gonna wash you!” Gon smiled brightly, hoping to put off his friend's fears. Maybe a little too brightly as Killua’s face reddened.

“I-I can do it myself! Idiot!” Killua’s shoulders drew up and his head ducked down.

“I told you,” Gon replied, keeping his smile in place, “it’s not a matter of can. It’s a matter of want.”

“I don't want-!”

“I want to.” Gon interrupted. His friend sent him a floundering look, mouth gaping as no words came out. “Color, Killua?”

“W-what?”

“I want to wash your hair.” Gon specified. “What color?”

“... Green…” though he looked nervous, Killua stepped up to the bathtub and slowly, gracefully, slipped in. He sat perpendicular to Gon in the tub, unable to look at him, but also unable to turn away.

“I can’t reach your hair from over here.” Gon said, pointedly not moving his stool.

Killua scooted over and finally turned his back to Gon. Unfortunately, he also dropped his head forwards, meaning it was still out of Gon’s reach.

“You’ll need to lean back, Killua” Gon coaxed.  He grabbed an unused towel and draped it across the end of the tub to given a layer of cushion between his friend and the cold, hard ceramic.

“So particular!” Killua grunted, but Gon knew it was a front. The water rippled with the echoes of his friend's trembling. If Killua trusted him more, the water would be still. Yet if he trusted him any less, the water wouldn't have been disturbed at all and Gon wouldn't be waiting patiently on this stool.

Killua pushed himself backwards with a little more force than necessary, but followed Gon’s prodding.

“I’m going to use a cup to wet your hair.” Gon said, holding the cup out in front of Killua's nose to show him. “Color?”

“Are you going to ask me that after every little thing?” Killua hissed, pushing the cup back towards Gon.

“Yup.” Gon chirped, dunking the cup at Killua's side to fill it. “I’ll need you to close your eyes when I pour. Color?”

“Green.” Killua said immediately. “That’s going to get annoying really fast.”

“Mito said that I need to do it so that I won’t trigger anyone.” Gon said as he retrieved the cup. His free hand hovered over Killua’s shoulder, not quite touching.

“Trigger?” Gon could hear the wrinkle in his friend's nose from behind him. “What's that?”

“Making someone remember something that they don't like is the way Mito phrased it.” Gon said, gently placing his hand on Killua’s shoulder. Immediately, the other boy froze. Gon froze with him. “Color?”

Killua was silent.

“Color, Killua.” Gon tried again, a hint of Dominance in his voice.

“...Green.” the pale boy answered, much more quietly than before. Gon wanted to ask if he was sure, but he knew better than to push a sub when they were in a delicate situation. Mito had taught him that much.

“I'm going to start now.” Gon said, careful to keep his tone light. “If anything goes wrong, even if I don't ask, tell me immediately, okay?”

“... Got it.” Killua replied.

Biting his lip from tacking on anything else, Gon got to work. The first splash of water on his hair had Killua stiffening. Any movement near his neck had him locking up, shoulders hiking higher as if to shield himself from attack.

This might be harder than Gon first thought.

The second splash of water fell mostly onto the floor as Gon tried to get the back of Killua's hair wet.

“Watch it!” Killua snapped. “You’re making a mess!”

“It's good, it's good!” Gon replied, moving his free hand from Killua's shoulder to his hair, trying to work the water into the locks rather than letting it sluice off. “There's a drain in the floor for this reason.”

“Huh…” Killua mumbled, “I wondered what that was for.”

“Killua has nothing to worry about!” Gon laughed. “Just lay back and let me do the work!”

“Doesn't sound half bad.” Killua joked, but Gon heard the hollow tone of his false bravado. Instead of drawing attention to it, Gon concentrated on getting Killua's hair nice and wet. Once the white locks were soaked and half-plastered to his friend’s skull, Gon grabbed the shampoo bottle.

“I’m gonna start the shampoo.” Gon said as he squirted a dollop into his palm. He was careful to inflect his next question with a bit of Dominance to start to ease Killua down. “Color?”

“Mm… green.” Killua answered. His words were still clear, but the pause was not deliberate like before.

Tangling his fingers in his friend's hair, Gon hummed a little as he slowly worked over the other’s scalp. It had been a while since he did this to someone else, but he quickly fell back into his old practices. The familiar motions were strangely soothing to his mind.

“Killua's hair is soft.” Gon said quietly, his timbre dropping slightly. “And really pretty.”

“Sh-shut up… idiot.” Killua grumbled, his words slurring slightly.

Gon snickered and felt his friend relax a little more. Inserting a little more dominance, he said, “Hey, Killua, lean your head back more.”

His friend complied, leaning heavily into Gon’s hands. His shoulders slumped against the back of the tub with his head on the lip, cushioned by Gon’s hands. Gon had no doubt that, should he want to, Killua could crush his fingers by pressing his head down harder, but it wasn't on the other’s mind. Killua was always careful when the two wrestled, Gon knew so, even if he didn't always like it.

“Killua is good.” Gone said, letting more Dominance filter through.

“Good… at what?” the other boy’s voice was soft, sleepy sounding. There was a moment where Killua seemed to forget what he had been saying. “Fighting…? Training…?”

“Just good.” Gon answered, smiling at the scoff from the other. Well, he was pretty sure it was supposed to be a scoff. It kind of fell quiet half-way through.

Gon took the quiet moment to work at the hairs near the nape of Killua’s neck. With his hands pinned, it made the task harder, but Killua didn't tense up, so Gon was fine. He slowly worked up the back of the scalp to Killua’s ears, massaging behind them as he worked the shampoo in.

Killua made a soft noise of contentment that had Gon grinning.

“Good, Killua?”

“... S’good.”

“Color?”

“... ’Reen.”

Behind the ears, up the side of the head to where he’d worked before, then forward towards the temples. Gon was careful to keep one hand cradling Killua’s skull as he worked, shifting the white head of hair carefully when he needed to.

Now and then Killua would make another noise of contentment, soft and almost inaudible. Gon took these as quiet cues and gave the areas that elicited them a little more attention.

Once the shampoo had been worked to a nice lather, Gon reached for the cup again to rinse. “Killua, I’m gonna rinse out the suds now.”

“M’kay.”

Gon shifted a little so that he could meet his friend's eyes. They were open, but half-lidded and sleepy looking. From what Gon could tell, he was on the cusp of dropping. A little nudge was all it would take to send him down.

“Close your eyes for me.” Gon ordered, careful to keep the order from being too harsh. He didn't want to startle his friend now. A harsh drop wouldn't do anyone any good.

Languidly, Killua followed his order. Blue eyes sealed themselves behind dark, fluttering lashes. Gon look down to dunk the cup, but didn't get far. He got a forehead to the nose instead as Killua shot upwards, water sloshing violently around him.

“S-shit!” Killua cursed, hands wrapped knuckle-white against the lip of the ceramic tub. His assassin claws were out and buried nail-deep into the plaster. “No, no, no! Go away!”

“Killua!” Gon called over his friend's increasingly loud muttering and pleas. The other boy couldn't hear him, trapped in whatever event had triggered in him. Gritting his teeth, Gon lunged forward to clutch at Killua's wrists.

*          *          *          *          *

Killua wasn't sure what happened. One moment, he had been fine –happy and even enjoying his friend’s weird desire to wash his hair. Gon was good at it too, making Killua's skin tingle with the good-touch.

The next moment, the void was slipping over him, sinking claws into his skin and dragging him down, down, down –to the place where there was nothing to do but obey and kill. The place where only pain and fear resided.

Killua fought against it, kicking and digging his hands into the ground as it tried to drag him under. Hard rock crumbled beneath his fingers as the pull grew harder and harder to ignore.

No! I can't! Killua tried to shake his head. Gon’s here! Mito is here! I can't! Not them!

Burning bands of iron ensnared his wrists, pulling him back towards the void.

No! Killua wanted to yell. Please no!

“Killua, let go.”

The voice was Gon, but the words were too harsh, too weighty. They fell on Killua's shoulders like the Gates of Hades, hard and unyielding.

“Killua.”

His name again, but softer.

“You have to let go.”

The length of their arms and shoulders pressed together in a line of heat that made Killua's head spin.

“You have to let it happen, Killua.” Gon coaxed –and he knew it was Gon this time, despite the heaviness to the other’s words.

But didn't Gon know? Didn't he realize what letting go meant?! Didn't he know what would happen if Killua let go?

“Killua, we need to do this in a controlled environment. If we don't do this now, the next time may come in the middle of a fight. Do you want that to happen?”

If it meant that the corpse who haunted his dreams would be a nameless stranger rather than Granny or Mito or Gon?

Yes.

One of the iron bands around his wrists left to pin him back against damp cloth and a hard edge. The second quickly followed, covering Killua's eyes. It should have been fine. Killua couldn't process anything –really see anything –anyway. But it wasn't fine. It was another restraint, another clawed hand pulling him back into the void.

Killua wrenched his hands from the ground to pull against the hands, if only to get a little more leeway, loosen the void’s hold just a little more. Words against his ear made him freeze.

“Killua, do you trust me?” It was Gon again.

Yes, yes I do.

“Then fall. It's okay. Nothing bad will happen. I promise.”

Killua pressed back against a hard shoulder, hands locked around thin wrists.

But to fall meant blood and guts and brain matter and-!

“Killua, have I broken a promise to you?”

Killua tightened his grip.

No.

“Have I ever broken any promise?”

He inclined his head, pressing against the firm, soft hand along the bridge of his nose.

… No.

“Then trust me and let go.”

Killua did.

*          *          *          *          *

Killua fell limp and silent. His eyelashes fluttered against Gon’s palm and his lips occasionally twitched, but no sound left. His hands still clasped bruisingly tight over Gon’s wrists, but they had stopped pulling and fighting. He had marks from the assassin’s claws, but they were made without intention. Most likely, Killua forgot his claws were even out when he struggled against his drop.

After another two beats of silence, Gon gently took his hand away from the other’s eyes. The blue orbs had thinned to slits and looked frighteningly hollow from Gon’s perspective. The way the sub fell still was scary enough, but add those depthless eyes on top of it? Down-right terrifying.

For all the wrong reasons.

“Killua?” Gon called gently. “Can you hear me?”

It took a second, but the other boy replied with a low hum.

“Can you loosen your hands for me?” Gon tried. Killua’s face scrunched up in confusion, staring straight ahead to the other end of the tub. Gon frowned. “Killua, let go.”

Immediately, the pale boy’s hands dropped to the water, splash startling a flinch out of the younger boy.

Gon ran a gentle hand over the other’s forehead to segway soap suds that threatened to drip into hollow eyes. “Good, Killua. Good job.”

The sub twitched, confusion swimming across his features again. It’s like he’d never been praised in subspace before. The thought twisted at Gon’s gut.

“Can you do something for me, Killua?” Gon ran a soothing hand through white hair, unmindful of the shampoo that slicked at his fingers. “Can you tell me a color, Killua?”

“Black.” Came prompt response.

“Okay, yes, black is a color.” Gon pet his hair again. “Do you remember the colors I told you about earlier?”

“… Mmm.”

“Could you tell me one of those? The one that you feel right now?” Gon coaxed softly. There was a much longer pause, one that stretched so long that Gon grew worried. “Killua, color.” He reminded.

“Green.” The response came immediately through the sound of clenched teeth. Gon didn’t believe for a second that Killua was okay. He also knew that second guessing a sub, especially in such a delicate state, could damage them mentally.

“Okay.” Gon breathed slowly, feeling Killua tense under his arm. “You’re green, but I’m yellow.”

The sub relaxed minutely, making a questioning sound.

“Do you remember what yellow means?” Gon asked patiently.

“… Means slow.” Killua answered, voice slurring words together.

“Right. Very good.” Gon found his hand slowly stroking the other’s shoulder. When Killua didn’t tense, he continued. “Part of slow is talking things out.” Though Gon very much doubted Killua was in any state to talk. “So, I want to tell you what I plan to do and you’ll give me the color it makes you feel. Okay?”

Killua made an affirming noise.

“What I plan to do now is wash the shampoo out of your hair.” Gon paused, “color?”

Killua was silent for a second. Before he opened his mouth, Gon quickly added, “I don’t want any lies, Killua.”

The comment made the boy pause, but he continued with, “Green.”

Gon let out a sigh of relief before tackling the next step. “After that, I want to scrub you down, just like a normal bath. Color?”

The pause was longer and Killua shifted twice before he answered, “Yellow.”

Gon swallowed down his heart. “Can you tell me why yellow?”

“… S’emb’r’ssing.” The reply almost made Gon snort in surprise.

“Do you want to do it then?” Gon asked, pleased that things were starting to settle a little. Killua shifted, fidgeting in a way he wouldn’t normally let Gon see. After several seconds of fidgeting, Gon tried a different approach, “Do you not want me wash you?”

“… No.” Killua mumbled, his toes twitching and disturbing the water. “Wan’it… but… emb’r’ssin’…”

Gon smiled. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Killua. We’re both boys. We got the same parts.”

“… M’kay.”

“Color?”

“Green.”

Gon nuzzled his face into Killua’s shoulder, happy with his friend. “After that, we’ll get dressed and go sit on the porch ‘n just watch the sunset.”

“… S’it?”

“That’s it. We don’t have to do anything else.” Gon assured, wiping a stray track of suds away. “Does that sound good?”

“… Green.”

“Good, Killua. Very good.” Gon said with another gentle brush of his hands. “Now, I’m gonna rinse your hair, so tip your head back and close your eyes for me, okay?”

“Mm…”

Gon found the cup floating at Killua’s hip and tipped it sideways to fill it. He carefully positioned Killua’s head so that it rested on the lip of the tub, far enough over to run the water over the side of the tub. Using his free hand as a barrier to direct the flow away from Killua’s eyes, Gon started getting rid of the suds in his friend’s hair. If he trusted that Killua would be fine with a quick dunk, Gon would have ordered his friend to do that. As it was though…

Gon had never been in a situation quite like this, so he figured safer was better.

After numerous cupfuls of water and a few pauses to run his fingers through Killua’s silky hair, Gon decided that the shampoo was gone. Looking around, he spotted the bar of soap and washrag he’d set out previously. Soaking the rag, he rubbed it with soap until bubbles formed, then turned his attention back onto his friend.

“Killua? I’m going to wash you now.” He said, leaving no room for argument. He didn’t want the sub to start second guessing himself and be here for another round of colors. The water was starting to get cold; Gon wanted Killua out of it before it got too uncomfortable.

“Green.” Killua mumbled even as Gon started on his shoulders. Down slender arms from there to delicate hands. Killua’s fingers were still curled in his assassin’s claws, but the bones shifted and nails disappeared as Gon massaged his hands.

Back to the shoulders, a quick scrub to the back of the neck was followed by a coax to get Killua to lean forward so Gon could reach his back. Gon rinsed the areas he had just cleaned and pushed himself off the stool so he could change positions to reach more. A hand grabbed his forearm and tugged him back down.

Gon shrugged. He could reach Killua’s chest, stomach, and sides from where he was bent over. Rubbing the washrag with itself to get more bubbles, he set about doing just that. At Killua’s waist, however, he found his arms too short to reach further.

Pulling back again, he met resistance. Killua hadn’t let go of his arm and didn’t seem inclined to do so now.

“Killua, I need to move. I can’t reach.” Gon said. The other tugged him down again, nosing at his arm. Gon groaned. “Killua, I need to finish before the water gets cold.”

A foot almost kicked him in the face. Gon squawked and looked down, finding Killua bent nearly in half and seemingly content. Gon took the foot in hand, “well, I guess that works too.”

It was a stretch, but Gon managed to finish up despite Killua’s strange need to kidnap his hand.

A quick rinse and a pull of the plug later, Gon was back to coaxing Killua to let him go. “I’ll be right back, promise. I just need to grab a towel.”

Blue eyes regarded him furtively. They didn’t seem as hollow as before, but they still held that glazed look of subspace in them. They burned their way over Gon’s back as he hurried to the door to find the towels and new clothes sitting right outside. Mito had done as he’d asked; the towels were nice and toasty.

Hurrying back to Killua, Gon helped his friend stand and climb out of the tub. Killua didn’t get a chance to shiver before a warm towel wrapped around his shoulders and engulfed him.

“Sit down here, Killua.” Gon ordered gently, tugging his friend over to the stool he had vacated. The sub sank down gracefully, face tucked down into the fluffy warmth. Gon grabbed the second towel from the pile to dry Killua’s hair. He’d normally just give a rough scrub to himself, but Killua was different.

Killua… was Killua.

So Gon took his time like he had with everything thus far. He carefully scrubbed at the white locks until they were dry and fluffy and their owner had nearly fallen asleep on his stomach. The towels were starting to lose their warmth by the time he was done.

“Killua.” Gon called, gently waking his friend. “Time to get dressed.”

“Green.”

Gon paused, “you want me to do it for you?”

“Mph.”

Smiling, Gon grabbed the two sets of boxers Mito had gotten from their luggage. Gon recognized Killua’s easily enough, but he put his own on before wrangling his friend into his. Before Killua could drop back into his seat, Gon dug his hand out from under the towel and tugged the sub towards the door.

“Come on, Killua. Sunset, remember?” Gon persuaded. Blue eyes looked unsure, but he didn’t hesitate to follow. At the door, Gon found another warm bundle, this time a blanket.

“Killua, switch.” Gon said, holding the blanket open. The sub dropped the damp, cooling towel so fast he nearly tackled Gon when he rushed into his arms. Arms coming around in a hug, Gon relished in the noise of contentment from Killua as the blanket followed his hands. The sub snuggled down, nose burying itself in the blanket and Gon’s shoulder.

“Are you feeling good, Killua?” Gon crooned.

The sub nodded, eyes falling closed. “Yeah…”

Without further comment, Gon tucked Killua under his arm, careful to keep the blanket wrapped around the other and led him out and down the stairs. Mito looked up as they came down. Gon nodded to the front door and she nodded back. There was a plate of sandwiches made up at her elbow.

“We’re sitting down here, Killua.” Gon said, pulling the two down. Once seated, Killua cuddled up so close he was practically in Gon’s lap. Running a hand through his friend’s damp hair, Gon listened as Mito’s footsteps grew closer and relaxed. They were finally out of the woods.

Or maybe not yet.

The second Mito came within two feet of them, Killua stiffened. Blue eyes flashed open to that hollow stare as his head whipped around to glare at Gon’s Aunt. Gon tensed as well. He wound an arm around Killua’s waist, but knew he couldn’t stop the pale boy despite his own strength.

“Killua.” Gon said calmly. “No.”

Killua didn’t move.

“Mito.” Gon said, not turning to look. “Please place the plate on the floor.”

Mito stooped and obeyed. Killua’s fingers wrapped around Gon’s bicep and tightened.

“Mito, please give us some space.” Gon ordered. Her footsteps didn’t immediately retreat. “I’ll be fine.”

There wasn’t a response, but her footsteps started again and grew quieter as she left them. As soon as she left some magical distance, Killua relaxed, going warm and pliant again. Gon twisted around to tug the plate of sandwiches to his other side. The sandwiches had been cut into smaller pieces, more finger food than anything. Gon could get one, maybe two bites out of each piece.

Taking one in hand, Gon offered it to Killua. “Hungry, Killua?”

Those eyes went from sleepy to hollow in one second flat. Gon withdrew his hand, wary again. Mito had not returned and there were no other heartbeats in the vicinity besides her and Granny. It must have been the food.

“Color?” He asked gently. That hollow-eyed stare continued. Gon placed the sandwich back on the plate and gently nudged the stare to his own eyes. “Killua. Color.”

Killua swallowed thickly. “Y…Yellow.”

Gon was pretty sure it was worse than yellow. He kept Killua from looking back to the plate. “Can you tell me why?”

The sub worked his mouth, opening and closing it, though no words came free. Finally, he spoke.

*          *          *          *          *

Killua wasn't sure what was happening. He’d felt the void take over and had felt the world go dark for several seconds. He’d felt an order snap tight around his neck, only letting up pressure once his hands had dropped. He'd heard Gon’s voice asking for a color and his instincts ordered him to answer quickly –did he want to get punished?

The answer hadn't been what Gon wanted, but he’d been merciful and let Killua try again. Killua would get it right that time –he had to get it right. Failure wasn't an option.

Green was the only answer Killua could have given. It was going to happen whether he wanted it to or not, so he might as well accept it –Illumi was going to do it anyway. Killua didn't have a choice-!

Killua's world turned sideways when Gon had shown weakness first. He’d said yellow. If Gon used it, it was okay, right? Yellow was an option? No, it couldn't be. This had to be a test.

Gon had asked for a color again. Killua's response had been the same. More words and the same question. Would Gon keep asking until Killua failed? It was something Milluki like to do from time to time. It always left Killua frayed around the edges where physical torture did not. Not anymore, at least.

Killua had tested his second option and had to struggle with a reason why. When it became clear that he wouldn't be punished for using his second option, he’d relaxed a little more. Words came and went. Looking back, he wasn't entirely sure what he’d said and that should be worrisome, but it wasn't. The killing urge was far away for now –so far away, wished it would stay away forever.

There’d been fingers in his hair and water behind his ears, but it hadn't drifted down into his face, so he’d doubted it was a lead up to drowning. It was good –he hadn't liked that training. It made him puke afterwards. Two punishments in one.

There’d been a murmur in his ear, sounding far off. Hands and a rough, fluffy rag worked at his skin. The ache in his hands subsided and left Killua feeling pleasantly clean, like the blood was being wash from his soul. He’d decided then that he liked this touch –it wasn't bad, pain, chaos like the others touched him with.

He wouldn't let this touch go, even if it gave him punishment for doing so. A touch so nice, he would endure any torture –fire, water, whips, and chains…

Bending in two had been nothing.

It had been something, though, when Gon tried to leave him. He hadn't wanted the touch to go away, but the water had been getting cold and his ears picked up on the word 'towel’ which he hadn't be against. He knew he’d made the right decision when he’d been rewarded with an all-encompassing warmth that made his toes curl.  Not fire hot, blood boiling -just warm. All he had to do was sit and enjoy it and let Gon rub another one over his soaked hair.

Time fell in and out of meaning for Killua. He’d heard Gon mention something about getting dressed and yeah, he’d like that. More warmth followed after that, replacing the previous warmth that was growing cold on his skin. More warmth also brought strong arms around his and a shoulder to rest his chin on. He felt himself start to float again.

The next moment Killua resurfaced, it was to creeping footsteps and a low, indefensible position. He felt the void clamp tight on him, his eyes tracking the foreign entity. Gon still had his arms around him, but his friend's back was to the enemy. Killua didn't know if this was training or an assignment, but he wouldn't let anyone taken Gon away.

“Killua. No.” The words fell hot and heavy on his shoulders, binding him back. He didn't know what was 'No’. Fighting? Not fighting? Staring? Not staring?

He froze his muscles in place. If he didn't do anything, could he still be wrong?

“Mito, please place the plate on the floor.” The words held the same weight as before, but they weren't directed at Killua. The orders slid off his skin like water and oil. However, they held weight for the enemy, forcing them to comply.

“Mito, please give us some space.” The enemy did not immediately follow the commands. Killua waited, watching them for the first attack.

“I’ll be fine.” The words came again, no weight to them, light and calm. The enemy turned and left and Killua relaxed. Gon was strong, strong enough to order away an intruder. He could keep Killua safe in the void.

If he couldn't though, the enemy was there. Killua just needed to kill them and the void would leave. That's what Illumi always said.

“Hungry, Killua?”

Killua opened his eyes, only to be faced with…

Oh.

It is punishment.

No, training.

Torture.

Learning.

Pain.

Education-!

Starving or poison, those were his options. But which was it?

Was he supposed to eat it and get sick?

Was he supposed to not and starve?

“Color?”

Which would let him off the hook? Which would give the most benefits?

Before he could decide, the choice was made for him. Gon put down the sandwich and forced Killua to look into those kind brown eyes, rich as chocolate, just as sweet…

“Killua. Color.”

Green, he could handle it. He’d be fine. There's no other choice-! But no, he’d tested before. Yellow was an option. He could go slow. He could do this, he just-!

“Y… Yellow.”

Gon’s eyes didn't falter. His thumb picked up a soothing pattern on Killua's cheek as he asked, “can you tell me why?”

Killua tried to find the best way to ask, to ask and not fail.

He needed to know which one. Poison or starvation, neither horrible as far as things went. He was immune to most poisons and he wouldn't feel the gnaw of hunger for several days, but the knowing, the guessing, he couldn't do.

He needed to ask.

“P… poison?” He asked, lips finally forming words.

Gon froze, statue still. The look in his eyes was… terrifying, angry, incomprehensible. Killua had always liked the way Gon’s emotions were so easily seen through his eyes, but here and now, it made him want to cower in fear.

As abruptly as they came, they were gone, leaving Killua bereft.

“No, Killua,” Gon said, voice clear of any harsh emotion he’d shown. “There's no poison in the sandwiches. They are perfectly safe to eat.”

Killua nodded. Starvation then; kind of annoying, but doable. It’d get worse, in time, but Killua had been well fed lately. He had some fat to lose.

“Now,” Gon turned his gaze to the side to pick up a sandwich and hold it to Killua's lips. “Here.”

This… did not make sense.

“But…” Killua bit the inside of his lip before continuing. “Punishment?”

Gon froze again, but those harsh emotions didn't appear again. He took the sandwich back a bit. “Have you done anything to require punishment?”

No, Killua had been on his very best behavior. He didn't kill anyone and only threatened those three contestants in the past three months. He wanted to be good for Gon.

“If you haven't done anything bad, there’s no need for punishment.” Gon said when Killua forgot to answer.

“Training?” Killua tried instead, unable to comprehend being in this void without punishment or training being the cause.

“... I think you’ve had enough training for now, yeah?”

Killua did not understand.

Gon sighed, “Just… try to eat?”

Killua bit into half the sandwich, still unsure but following orders. Gon popped the other half into his own mouth, chewing before reaching for another. The arm around Killua squeezed tight for a second before releasing. The hand attached to it started rubbing at Killua's shoulder, slow and soothing, back and forth…

He didn't hesitate when the next sandwich appeared before his nose. Chewing, he felt the drag of the void again, but this time, it was… nice. In Gon's arms, surrounded by warmth and tasty food, the void was –not scary, not chaotic, not painful –nice.

After a while, he felt himself slipping again, but this time, the darkness that welcomed him was sleep.

*          *          *          *          *

Gon had never wanted to punch someone in the face as much as he did now. Each and every member in Killua's family deserved a broken nose. Especially, Gon thought, Illumi, who seemed to have taken Killua's subspace, a place of refuge for subs, and twisted it into Killua's greatest fear. Punishment and training, that was what Killua's subspace had been used for instead of healing and rest.

The next time Gon saw Illumi, that guy wasn't going to walk away without a crutch -if he was lucky.

Killua twitched in his sleep.

Gon breathed in deeply before slowly letting out his frustration in an aggravated sigh. It was hard, to keep these emotions hidden, especially from Killua, but he had to keep calm. Subs recognized negative emotions easily, but often blamed themselves during a drop. Gon didn't want Killua to blame himself for any of this.

Pressing his cheek against the top of his friend's head, Gon stared out at the horizon. The sun had set a while ago, so he began counting the stars as they brightened in the night sky. Behind him, he heard Mito shuffle closer.

“Is he okay?” She asked.

“He’s asleep.” Gon answered, voice thin.

She fell quiet before walking forward to crouch and peer over Gon's shoulder. Gon felt the irrational need to push her away, but held himself back. He didn't want Mito angry at him.

“I’ve never seen a sub do that before.” She said, placing her chin in her palms. “He seemed… murderous.”

“He was raised by assassins.” Gon replied, running his fingers through Killua's hair again. At Mito's fearful look, he continued, “I think… they used his subspace to train him. Killua… he was scared when he started to drop. It was like he didn't want to -he fought against it! A sub should never have to do that!”

The look in Aunt Mito's eyes was heartbreaking. Gon knew without a doubt that his own mirrored hers.

“Well, he’s here with us now. Let him get some rest.” She said, standing and dusting off her dress. “I’m sure it's the best he’s gotten in a while.”

“Yeah.” Another weight fell into Gon's heart. Instead of thinking more, he turned his attention back on the stars, beginning to count again. The moon had long since risen by the time Killua blinked open his eyes and yawned. Gon grinned, “Awake now?”

“Mmm, yeah.” Killua sat up, rubbing at his eyes. “When did I fall-?” He cut off in a choke.

Gon frowned, worried. “Killua?”

The pale boy jerked his gaze towards him, eyes wide in horror.

“Killua, what’s wro-?” Gon hit the floor with an echoing thud as Killua tackled him. “Killua! What's going on?!”

“Hold still!” Killua ordered, hands wrestling with Gon’s as he tried to check his friend over. Gon didn't know what he was looking for and he couldn't tell if Killua found it or not. For a second, it seemed like he relaxed, but in the next, he was on his feet and running to the kitchen where Mito and Granny were washing plates. Gon jumped up and ran after him.

Killua slid to a stop, jamming his shoulder into the doorway as he stared into the kitchen. The two women looked up, startled. Killua continued to stand there, panting, eyes roving over the two women before checking out the entirety of the kitchen. It was then Gon caught up to him.

“Killua? What’s going on?” Gon asked, hand hovering over his friend's shoulder. He wasn't sure if the sub would want contact or not.

“Gon…” Killua's voice was soft quiet it was almost inaudible. “Did I leave the house?”

“Huh?” Gon frowned, taking a step forward. “Killua, what are you talk-?”

“Answer me!” Killua snapped, glaring at the other boy. “Did I leave the house?!”

Gon caught his breath. Those eyes were the most fragile things he's ever seen, more than any glass or treasure. One wrong word felt like it would break them. Gon straightened up, voice firm and eyes sincere, “No. You never set foot outside the house. I never left your side during the drop.”

Gon waited as Killua's searched his face, looking for faults and lies. When he found none, the pale boy breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed to his knees, deflated. Gon quickly sank down beside him.

“I don't get it.” Killua whispered, trembling hands pressed against the worn wooden floors. “Every time I’ve gone there, every damn time I get dragged down, there’s always another one! There's always more blood on my hands! Why is this time different?!” He turned beseeching eyes onto Gon. “Why?!”

Gon pulled Killua into his lap and, to his surprise, the other boy let him. Pale fingers pressed against his chest with a sensitive ear against his heart. Mito scooted around the two to retrieve the blanket that had been left behind. Once she handed it over, Gon threw it around both him and Killua, allowing the other a barrier against the rest of the world.

“I think…” Gon began, “your family used your subspace to make you into a killer.”

Killua flinched. Gon rubbed his back in soothing circles.

“Sub… subspace?” The other finally asked.

“It's a special place for subs where they can recuperate from the stresses of daily life.” Gon explained, resting his chin on top of white hair. “It’s supposed to be a place of peace and trust, but your family used it against you instead. In subspace, a sub is more open to suggestions, to control from a Dom. That's why subs usually only go down with someone they trust. However… there are way to force a sub down. Something I think your family knew.”

“... You're wrong.” Killua whispered. Though he tried to hide it, Gon could feel the tiny tremors that wracked his friend's body. “I’m not a sub… can't be. Illumi put that void in my head. He must have!”

“Whether you were born a sub or not, it doesn't matter.” Gon said gently, holding his friend tighter as if to smother his fears. “You responded to the Dominance I used, so you are a sub now.”

“... Tonight was planned.” Killua said, drawing his legs in and ducking his head. “... How long did you know?”

“For sure? Heaven’s Arena. After the fight with Zushi, you were shaky. You became more so after the 200th floor and Hisoka.”

“That… that just could have been Nen!”

“Killua, I’m a Dom. I can sense when a sub is fighting off a drop. What's more,” Gon buried his nose in fluffy white locks. “I’m your friend. I’m supposed to know everything about you.”

Killua fell quiet, his breaths slow and even, but not asleep. His heart was still a tempo too fast, but it slowed as they sat.

“Well,” Killua drawled, trying to straighten up against the blanket and Gon's hold. “Better figure out what this means for me. Got a computer, Gon?”

“Yeah,” Gon replied, tightening his hold, “but you’re not allowed up for another hour!”

“What?! Why not?!”

“Aftercare!”

“Hah?!”

*          *          *          *          *

There were… many things Killua didn't know about Doms and subs. It was an entirely different world –too similar to the one he’d grown up in. Different in ways, not as hardcore, but too similar for his comfort. However, all this research did bring a question to his mind.

Looking over at Gon, Killua asked, “How come you didn't use whips or chains? That’s a Dom thing, right?”

“Aunt Mito says that's more for grown-ups. She says I'll learn it when I'm older.”

“... Hey Gon?”

“Yeah, Killua?”

Killua felt his face heat up the tiniest bit. “... Don't learn about that stuff.”

“... If Killua doesn't want me to, I won't!”

“I-idiot!”

Well, being a sub might not be so bad, as long as Gon was by his side.