Work Text:
Walk.
Don’t look down.
Head held high.
Walk.
Walk.
Wal-
“Sana?”
Sana halted in her step in the courtyard of the school, hand pulling the strap of her bag up and down. This had now become her favourite time of the day, when she could leave and forget the faces of people who have hurt her. But alas, someone had to ruin it. Turning around, she saw a breathless Isak, with hesitation and nervousness written all over his face. Her gaze automatically moved to his black eye.
Oh his eye.
Everytime Sana saw his bruised eye, swollen with a deep shade of blue brown, she wanted to make that damn lump in her throat go away. The first time she had seen it last week, she had excused herself to the bathroom, taking in harsh breathes in the stalls.
It’s all my fault , she had muttered to herself in the dim lighting. If only, if only she had understood the deep wounds between the boys, she wouldn't have invited her brother, Yousef and their friends. If only , she had been there with Isak, his face wouldn’t have such a deep wound on it. If only , she had told Noora about William.
If only.
With the slight lick of her dry lips, she concealed her expressions with a face of stoicness, all cold and stiff. “What?” she snapped, not missing his slight wince.
“I uhh.” he paused, walking up to her, “let’s walk?”
A day ago, Sana would have declined an offer like that, harshly, and stormed away.
But she was tired.
She was so so tired. The days felt like years for her, and the wall she had hastily created on that one unholy Friday was built unstably, with a useless foundation and small cracks throughout the surface.
With a look of curiosity, yet stiffness, she nodded. “Okay, I guess?”
Isak let out a sigh of relief, hand sliding his phone out of his pocket. “I-I’m just gonna tell Even to go home without me. It’ll take a sec. Just-”
It hurt.
It hurt to see him so nervous in front of her. Having to stumble through his phrases cautiously, hoping not to strike a cord. It hurt seeing him have to fumble on his phone.
They never had that deep emotional connection per se, but before, seeing her, he’d smile, he’d joke around. And it killed her to see him having to try to do that now.
She nodded, looking ahead as they started to walk silently.
The sound of the small pebbles crushing under their feet, and the faint whoosh of cars echoed in the quiet street. She could tell he was on edge, hands shoving into his jacket’s pocket, and then going to his backpack, back and forth. After the umpteenth time of repeating the motion, Sana snapped.
“Oh my god what ?” she sighed out, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. Isak paused, realizing she had stopped walking, eyebrows scrunched.
“What, what?”
“What are doing here Isak? Is this some type of pity walk- whe- where you tell me everything will be alright?! Or, ‘just give it time!’. Because, please, I don't need that right now, okay?” looking at the road, she whispered painfully, “I’m fine.”
With a loud exhale, she pushed by him. Yet she only got a few centimeters, before she heard him speak quietly.
“You don’t always have to do this, you know?” Turning around, she squinted, trying to question something she already knew “Do what?”
He lowered his lowered gaze, legs moving towards her. “You don’t have to close yourself off like this. I know you’re being mean because something’s u-”
“Isak. Nothing is wrong, please just- just leave me alone…” Somehow a lot of energy was taken out of her as she yelled those words out. As if saying such a big fib stole the last bits of her energy of the day.
Please don’t .
He rolled his eyes in defeat, sighing before waving slightly, “Okay, got it. I was just worried for you. Whatever, I’m just gonna go.”
Please don’t.
Stay.
Stay.
He huffed out a breath of frustration, before turning around and walking the other way.
Sana laughed to herself, a ruthless, pity-filled, lonely laugh.
What was she expecting? For him to say ‘I know you’re hurting'? All nonsense. Why did she expect things from people?
After a moment of a pause, she turned and continued strolling towards her house.
I should have just talked, fuck, what am I doi-
“Okay no. I can’t just leave like that.”
Sana flipped around, eyes widening as she saw an again, breathless Isak. Hair disheveled, and cap in his hand.
“What?” Sana asked, trying to hide the relief and warmth she felt seeing him again. He took a step closer, licking his lips whilst trying to figure out the right words. After a moment, he looked up into her eyes.
“Are you busy right now?”
“No-not really I guess.” A small smile spread on his lips, as he gently took her forearm.
“Come with me. I want to show you something.”
Sana scrunched her brows in confusion, before defeatingly walking behind him.
----
It had been a good half an hour before he finally stopped walking. Isak let out a sigh, before glancing at Sana, and pointing towards an object.
“What’s that?” he asked. Sana turned to him with raised eyebrows.
“Umm. It’s a bench?” she replied at the obvious. There was a pause, before Isak pulled her towards the it. Sitting down, Sana maintained a well half a meter distance between them, before he spoke.
“I don’t want to preach to you. And I definitely don't want to falsely give you hope, okay?” She nodded, eyebrows still scrunched. He opened and closed his mouth, brain trying to figure out the right words.
“This” he paused, tapping the bench with a small smile, “this bench means a lot to me, you know.”
“Why is that?” The small smile spread into a full bright grin, (no, it didn’t make Sana’s heart glow with joy for the boy) as he replied.
“This is the place where Even and I first truly spoke. And this is also, the spot where I gave my heart to him. The spot where I fell for him”
“Gave your heart to him ?” The ice between them was slowly melting, she could thankfully feel it.
“Shut up.” he laughed, “It’s cheesy but true okay?”
“Okay, go on.”
“Well. I had a crisis. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to deal with it. And now that I think of it, I may have slightly over reacted on it, but yes I had a crisis. And you know what I did as a response?”
Sana looked up at him, catching his warm gaze, “What?”
“I isolated myself. Said, I didn’t need anyone because I’m all this and that- and you know what? It was so stupid of me to do that. I was hurt, and while I was sulking in my pain, I didn’t realise that someone else was suffering just like me.”
“Even?” He nodded, pursing his lips.
“It took me so many days of excruciating stupidity to realise what was happening. To him, and myself. I was so scared, so I didn’t open up. And it backfired like a bloody bitch.” the smile vanished, he pulled on the sleeves of his hoodie, covering his cold hands.
“And then I almost lost him. I panicked in the midst of crisis, left him, and almost lost him. I remember it, that moment when everything kind of went blank. I read his text, found this spot, and he was gone. I-I thought ‘This is it. I’ve lost him’. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I had lost him. But I didn’t. Thankfully. I found him- well, actually he found me. And thank the fucking god it happened. I found him, and suddenly I forgot all of my worries, I forgot about my stupid coping mechanism of isolation. It was just him and me. But what hurt the most, and still does, from that moment was his face. I-it was just blank. He looked so..alone. So isolated, just like I had been. It stills kills me to think of that face. I-I never want to see it again. So I walked up to him, and you know what I told him?”
She whispered so faintly, “What?”
“You’re not alone. Not now, not ever again.”
There was a sudden wave of silence as Sana took in his words.
How do you respond to that?
“So-” she cleared her throat, “your point is..” Isak turned his body towards her, legs closing the distance between them. A mix of emotions flashed upon his face, before he finally spoke.
“Today, I saw that look. That blank, empty, lonely look.” the lump rose in her throat again,
“And it was on you.”
Sana froze for a minute, her walls screamed as the material crumbled with each passing second.
“W- what ?” she whispered breathlessly.
“I don’t know what’s happening in your life Sana-and I don’t want to know unless you truly want to tell me. But I can’t ignore that look. I just cannot. I-I know what that look means, and I know what people do when they have that look-” he hesitated, before taking her hands gently into his with a plead.
“So you don’t have to tell me what’s happening, but please. Let me be here for you.”
She could cry.
Those words were what she dreamt of, what she had hoped one of her friends would have said, once , just once.
“And don’t tell me what’s happening, but just know okay? I’m here for you. And you are not , and you will never be, alone. Ever again.” Her brown eyes stung with the effort to hold back her tears.
“Things...suck sometimes, and sometimes people can be the worst. But you can’t bottle up that pain and anger okay? I will not let you.”
They watched each other for a while, eyes telling what couldn’t be said in words. Suddenly, Sana broke the silence.
“Do you want to go to McDonalds?”, she asked blatantly.
“Huh?” he blinked out of his trance.
“You wanna go to McDonalds?”
Isak paused, blinked, squinted his eyes, let the small smile erupt into a grin, and let out a laugh. And maybe, just maybe Sana may have smiled back at him. He nodded eagerly.
“Yah, yah- I’d love to.”
They both rose up silently, hands grabbing their individual bags. The silence filled the air, but it was now warm, safe, it was comforting.
“Now that you’re talking.” he looked at her from the side, lips not letting his slight grin fall, “Will you help me with my bio?”
Sana laughed.
She let out a hearty, chest-easenining laugh, head tilted back. The walls were crumbling into dust.
“Um. I’ll see.”, she teased.
“Oh my god thank you,” he said with relief, before his shoulder bumped into her’s, “Sanasol.”