Work Text:
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2013 at 9:36 PM
Subject: Possible Libel Suit
Mr. Emrys,
It has recently come to my attention that you have besmirched my good name. Your latest blog entry is an affront, an abomination. Please retract your post as soon as possible, or I will sue you for libel and leave you penniless on Christmas. My lawyer has a vested interest in my happiness, and she will not hesitate before, to put it colloquially, “kicking your arse.”
On Tuesday, December 22nd, at approximately six o’clock in the evening, you published a blog post decrying me as a, and I quote, “dollop-headed prat with no redeeming qualities,” an opinion you formed after merely one interview with me. You have caused me great emotional distress, and I demand a formal apology, along with a public announcement that you were wrong, and I am actually one of the greatest men you have ever met.
Have a nice day,
Arthur Pendragon
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2013 at 10:35 PM
Subject: no
Mr. Pendragon,
According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, libel is “the act of publishing a false statement that causes people to have a bad opinion of someone.” Seeing as you are a dollop-headed prat with no redeeming qualities, I don’t quite see why my blog post is considered libel. Of course, this could just come down to you being wrong, which you are prone to being, and I will forgive you. Once you apologize for interrupting my relaxation with your prattle.
What I don’t understand is why it matters so much, Mr. Pendragon. I published a blog post. It was in no way published in an official context, and my blog is entirely separate from my articles. I assure you the information I published there remained perfectly objective, filled with effusive praise for your talent. Because you requested me to, I also assured the general public of your ability to bring back Pendragon Industries from the verge of ruin.
Basically, I lied.
Besides, hardly anyone reads my blog. I’m surprised you did.
P.S. We’re not in a Victorian romance novel. You can stop talking like you’re Mr. Darcy. The name Fitzwilliam doesn’t suit you anyway. Maybe we could rename you “the most self-centered prat on this side of the universe.” A bit wordy, but I’m surprised that isn’t the name on your birth certificate. Are you sure you haven’t gotten it legally changed recently?
P.P.S. Morgana, your so-called lawyer, is probably laughing at you as we speak. Don’t pretend she cares about your feelings.
Go kill a puppy or whatever it is you do in your free time,
Merlin Emrys
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 8:42 AM
Subject: do you know the meaning of “professional”?
Mr. Emrys,
As a well-established investigative journalist, you must report the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Your information was far from it. You have a duty to yourself and your readers. Please fulfill it.
I happen to know your blog has a higher readership than you claim. Not that I read any of that trash myself, of course. Once or twice at most, and that’s because my friends seem to get their kicks out of shoving you in my face. Morgana has informed me that your posts are filled with “snark” and “wit,” by which I’m sure she means “sheer idiocy masquerading as a legitimate news source.” Even my father has read your post. He rang me, just this morning. And do you want to know what he said? Do you?
He laughed at me.
My father laughed at me because of your libelous claims.
P.S. Are you hoping you’ll get to be my Elizabeth Bennet?
P.P.S. No matter what Morgana says about me, rest assured that she loves me deep down. Very deep down. I think.
I will sue you,
Arthur Pendragon
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Subject: you started it, you great big lump
The first time we met, you pulled on my ears and asked me how I kept my balance with those things sticking out of my head. Face it, you are a dollop-head. I should know. I’ve spent enough time around you to be the judge of all dollop-headedness. I have a duty to remind my readers that, no matter how pretty and charming you may seem, all of that is hiding your dark, dark soul.
You read my blog! I knew it. Ha, I’ve caught the great Arthur Pendragon red-handed. How does it feel, Mr. Rich and Entitled?
P.S. You wish I’d be your Lizzy Bennet. Maybe if you declare your love for me in the pouring rain first.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 5:46 PM
Subject: I’M RIGHT AND YOU’RE WRONG
I have good qualities!
-
I fed your cat this morning. This was very self-sacrificing, seeing as Kilgarrah hates me and wants to tear me slowly from limb to limb.
-
I sometimes don’t make fun of you when you trip.
-
I offered you an interview, remember? First one since my father stepped down, and I took his position.
Obviously, I am right and you are wrong.
Aw, you think I’m pretty? Thank you.
P.S. Pouring rain? You really are a girl.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 6:46 PM
Subject: you’re such a child
You’re the new CEO of Pendragon Industries. You had to give someone an interview sometime, and allowing a friend to give it was in your best interest. You know I wouldn’t cock it up too badly, even if you do seem to think I did that with the completely unrelated blog entry I posted afterwards. You owe me a favor for not going off on your arse.
And you didn’t feed Kilgarrah! When I woke up, he was mewling around an empty food bowl. I don’t know what fantasy land you live in where you can just magic food into a bowl and expect it to show up. Some people actually have to do things. Wow!
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 7:44 PM
Subject: no more than you are
Is that what we are? Friends?
Unrelated your blog entry may be, but what are people going to think when they Google the man they’re supposed to look up to and read your post? They’ll lose all faith in me, causing me more emotional distress.
I fed him, I swear. That cat has it out for me. He must have eaten it all before you woke up.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 9:47 PM
Subject: I don’t know why I even talk to you
Oh, shut up about the friends things. Slip of the tongue. We’re not friends. We’re actually mortal enemies who occasionally get together for drinks. Nothing more.
Well, you should have thought of others’ opinions before you went about being a total idiot on our interview. Who demands to be able to choose his own picture? Really? I don’t care if you think that I’d choose a photo that doesn’t highlight your “impeccable bone structure.” That doesn’t give you leave to wrench my bag from my hands and rifle through my things. I could have had personal items in there! Like condoms! Or sex toys!
Not to mention the fact that you answered my questions in the most roundabout way possible. Or stole my breadsticks. Or made fun of my clothes. I could have been insulted, you know, if I weren’t already immune to your dickish ways.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Dec 23, 2013 at 10:43 PM
Subject: because I’m a wonderful human being
In my defense, your shoes were scuffed, and your shirt was wrinkled. Do you know what an iron is? Or know how to not step in mud?
Oh, you would have loved for me to find condoms or sex toys in your bag, hm?
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Morgana Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 1:42 AM
Subject: URGENT
I want to sue Merlin for libel, and I think you know why, seeing as you were the one who showed me that blog entry before laughing at me.
From: Morgana Pendragon <[email protected]>
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 1:50 AM
Subject: re: URGENT
I’m not here to Band-Aid your hurt feelings. You and Merlin need to figure out your issues before the rest of us lock you two in a closet together. I can’t believe you’re still fighting. How long have you two had to put up with each other? I thought you would have gotten over your childishness by now. Merlin, at least, is a mature young man.
Boo-hoo, Arthur, someone called you a prat? You are a prat.
Care to tell me why you’re up so late? New shag, perhaps?
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Morgana Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 3:10 AM
Subject: my feelings ARE urgent
You’re a shit excuse for a sister.
And an old shag, as you very well know.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 8:10 AM
Subject: a friendly reminder
It’s been three days since the blog post went up, and I’ve seen no changes. I think this means that I should visit you in your home and assure that you are safe and not suffering from amnesia, or any other debilitating condition that would cause you to forget to fix your (obvious) mistake.
If you are indeed an amnesiac or on the verge of death, I may forgive you.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 9:41 AM
Subject: YOU’RE NOT FRIENDLY
Are you stalking me?
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 2:01 PM
Subject: I’m so nice
No. I’m merely doing my duty as the protector of my own good reputation. If it means taking a few drastic measures, so be it. I have more schemes up my sleeve, just you wait. You haven’t seen the last of me.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 2:05 PM
Subject: WHY ARE YOU HERE?
That’s it, if you’re trying this again, I’m telling the doorman not to let you in. I deserve peace and quiet in the privacy of my own home.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 3:01 PM
Subject: it’s not like you’ve made your address a secret
Peace and quiet, my arse. Makes you sound so refined. All you do when you’re at home is eat ice cream and cry over Disney movies. I should know.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 6:00 PM
Subject: complaints
To whom this may concern,
Please take note that Arthur Pendragon should no longer allowed access to this building. Mr. Pendragon has blond hair, blue eyes, and a nice bum. A bit fat, needs to lose weight. I keep telling him this, but he never listens. Also, very much on the ugly side. Trollish, actually. I wouldn’t be surprised if he lived under a bridge. He would be doing all of society a favor.
Thank you,
Merlin Emrys, of flat 221
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 6:02 PM
Subject: oops
Please disregard the “nice bum” part of that statement. I hit send before I read it over. His bum is saggy and not at all pert and lickable.
Thank you,
Merlin Emrys
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 6:15 PM
Subject: hsdogh
Please ignore me. I am quite drunk.
From: [email protected]
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:00 PM
Subject: re: complaints
Mr. Emrys,
Er, might take us a while to process that request. Mr. Pendragon seems to have filed a similar complaint against you. You both have equal claims as fellow tenants of this building, I hope you understand.
Our manager, Gaius, does seem to have a message for you two. He says that “this is the last time he’s putting up with your shenanigans, and the next time you two feel the urge to regress to the age of two, he will personally see to it that you are both deprived of your respective supplies of ‘sex paraphernalia’.”
He seems to think this will inconvenience you both greatly.
Apologies,
Camelot staff
From: Morgana Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Subject: sorry
As much as I’d like to help you file a restraining order against my brother, I’m not sure this will work.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:36 PM
Subject: don’t scream
Have dinner with me.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:37 PM
Subject: I didn’t
What?
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:40 PM
Subject: come on
I’ve decided that if I’m going to prove to you that I’m not a prat, I should just show that I’m the perfect gentleman. If this means I have to take you on a date, I will. I’ll make that sacrifice. In defence of my honor.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Subject: maybe?
You sure know how to woo a man. Try harder.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 7:50 PM
Subject: I always get what I want
Let me put this another way: free food.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 8:00 PM
Subject: I don’t like you very much
…You’re lucky the only thing I have to eat tonight is Ramen.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:00 PM
Subject: recap
So not too bad, was it?
P.S. Did you do something different with your hair? Like wash it? It looked nice.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:01 PM
Subject: still a prat
Admittedly, no.
You have...depth. Who knew you could hold a conversation without steering every topic back to you? This is a day for the books. Mark your calendar, today was the day Arthur Pendragon proved he has a human soul underneath it all.
P.S. I feel insulted and complimented all at once. Your particular brand of prat is special.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:15 PM
Subject: but you like it
You’re not bad company either.
(Please don’t make me admit that again.)
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:18 PM
Subject: my heart is fluttery
A compliment? For me?
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:20 PM
Subject: will you do it now?
Shut up and edit your blog post.
P.S. We could have dinner again sometime…
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:25 PM
Subject: are you happy now?
I did!
P.S. I’m not entirely opposed to this idea.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:30 PM
Subject: you liar!
Explain to me why calling me a “stubborn idiot with no personal boundaries” is better? I thought you were good with words, Emrys. I assumed that meant you knew basic definitions, but I guess I was wrong. You’re a simpleton after all.
As my fiance, you should care about my emotional health too.
From: Gwen du Lac <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>, Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:35 PM
Subject: stop your cute
It’s Christmas Eve! You two lovebirds are supposed to be cuddled up drinking eggnog out of each other’s mugs, waiting under the Christmas tree for Santa to come, having wild Christmas sex. Your flirting is killing me, swear to God. If I get a cavity, it’s all your fault. You and Arthur and your passive-aggressive flirting that you pass off as insults. You’re not fooling anyone.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Gwen du Lac <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:40 PM
Subject: re: stop your cute
I’m not cute, and we’re not flirting! I’m perfectly serious when I say that Arthur is incorrigible and evil at heart. I don’t love him at all. Not ever. In fact, I don’t know why this ring is on my finger. The self-entitled idiot probably stuffed it there in my sleep. I’ve been forcibly engaged!
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:42 PM
Subject: well, I’m offended
They think we’re cute.
P.S. I can’t believe it took something like this for you to take me out to a nice restaurant for once, and on Christmas Eve too. Worst fiance ever.
P.P.S. I should be allowed to make however many blog posts complaining about you as I want. Getting married to you is torture enough. Can you imagine me having to survive through that without an outlet?
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:45 PM
Subject: I’m not
Why are we still emailing each other? You’re right next to me in bed.
I’m cuter than you.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:47 PM
Subject: at least I act my age
You are an adult.
From: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:50 PM
Subject: nope
Says the man who still sings I Just Can’t Wait to Be King in the shower.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Arthur Pendragon <[email protected]>
Date: Thurs, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:52 PM
Subject: darling, you sing that in the shower
Shut up and kiss me.
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Gwaine Knight <[email protected]>
Date: Fri, Dec 25, 2013 at 10:50 AM
Subject: help
Remind me why I decided to marry the biggest prat on this side of the universe.
From: Gwaine Knight <[email protected]>
To: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
Date: Fri, Dec 25, 2013 at 10:52 AM
Subject: you don’t need help
Considering the position I caught you two in last night (seriously, Merlin, I think you can get stuck like that), I assume you’re marrying him for his cock?
From: Merlin Emrys <[email protected]>
To: Gwaine Knight <[email protected]>
Date: Fri, Dec 25, 2013 at 10:53 PM
Subject: I guess not
True. It’s not like he has any other redeeming qualities.