Work Text:
“What are you doing? You haven’t stopped all morning!” Oswald complained, stood in the doorway to the kitchen. He wasn’t wrong either. Ed had gotten up at the crack of dawn; probably ignored breakfast, so there was way too much food left over; rushed out without warning; and arrived back about 15 minutes ago, to a very, very pissed off, angry bird - aka his husband, Oswald.
“You’ll see soon enough, dear,” Ed muttered, hauling the bags onto the counter. He then made the mistake of running across to the other side of the room; Oswald decided to trip him up. “Ow! What was that for?”
“ That was because you a) won’t tell me what the fuck you’re doing, and b) won’t just stop for a second,” he argued, then helped his husband up off the floor.
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Ed apologised, more in fear that Oswald may do something worse than just trip him up again, “I thought that maybe we could do something together, this afternoon. Perhaps, baking? If that’s okay with you.”
With bloodshot eyes, very ruffled hair and a huff, an answer followed, “I’ll go and get ready then, shall I?” before he limped off.
Ed smiled to himself - what a perfect little birdie.
When Oswald finally came back down (bearing in mind he had to do his hair and put on a three piece suit), the kitchen was clear of shopping bags, and instead, everything was laid out nicely, ready to be used. Out of nowhere, someone turned him around, leaning down to kiss him. “Ed!”
“What? You didn't do it, so I had to,” he laughed, waiting for his Penguin to realise. Oswald stood confused, then it hit him. Ed was wearing a purple apron, engulfed with tiny umbrellas, that said 'Kiss the cook'. And that's exactly what he did. Again, and again, and again.
“Okay, okay, stop,” Ed giggled, “The sooner we get this done and in the oven, we'll have more time for… that . Deal?”
“Deal. So, Riddler, what are we baking?”
“I thought we could just do cupcakes. And then, later, we can decorate them with icing and such like. Everything is set up. Oh, and I got you an apron too,” he scurried over to the back of the door, where Ed unhooked the apron and placed it on Oswald. It was green, covered in question marks, with the same lettering as Ed’s. And so they did.
An hour later, however-many different types of cupcakes had just finished being loaded into the oven. Ed stood up from where he'd been putting trays in, turning to see Oswald smirking at him.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he giggled, just waiting for the perfect opportunity. Ed clearly didn't believe him, but ignored it in favour of washing his hands before tidying up. Which was an awful idea, as Oswald threw a whole bag of self-raising flour over his head.
“You alright there, Casper?” Oswald snorted struggling to keep himself upright. In return, Edward grabbed the leftover melted chocolate, pouring it directly into his husband's hair, making the Penguin squawk furiously.
“I know it takes forever to do your hair in the morning, dear. But I think that's a great look on you,” Ed cackled.
Next, Oswald went for the treacle managing to get about half of it onto Ed before he realised what was happening. Edward retaliated - whilst Oswald was too busy searching for other ingredients - by pouring the blue and green food colouring down his back, with a squeak and a shiver.
“You will pay for that Edward!” Oswald threatened, still laughing. Then the real food fight began.
Each man took one side of the counter, launching food at the other. Tearing off pieces of butter to throw, Ed was distracted enough that Oswald could snatch up the sugar. Both threw handfuls at a time, rarely hitting the other.
Once they'd run out of those, plates of strawberries, cherries and raspberries we're the next target. There was two of each, which meant Ed got the raspberries and one plate of strawberries, Oswald got the rest. Unfortunately (for whoever it was getting thrown at) both of them squished their raspberries and cherries, so that the juices would stain their suits.
“Shame about that suit, Edward!” Oswald shouted, lobbing a handful of cherries at his spouse.
“Yours too!”
“Fuck the suits, we can afford new ones, this is too much fun watching you lose!” he smiled, but Ed caught him off guard, tossing raspberries at his face. Soon enough they'd run out of fruit, leaving only one thing left on the counter: eggs. And lots of them.
It was chaotic, smashing the shells into each other's faces, on their suits, and occasionally missing completely, catching the curtains or walls instead.
“You fucker!” Ed guffawed, reaching for some more, only to be pelting in the face with whatever Oswald had at hand whilst he had the chance. Unluckily, neither of them heard the main doors open, as they were too busy covering each other in food.
“Penguin, Riddl- what the fuck?!” Harvey yelled as him and Jim Gordon ran into the kitchen, only to have raw eggs hurled at them both.
“Oh, crud! Sorry, Detective Gordon, didn't see you there,” Edward apologised after taking off his glasses, as they were covered in food debris.
“It's okay, Ed. Oswald,” he nodded to them both, wiping the egg off his face.
“Hey! What about me?” Harvey complained, wondering why he had been forgotten about.
“What do you want me to say, Captain? Whoops?” Oswald sneered, he'd never liked Bullock anyway, neither had his husband, “Why are you two here anyway? Has one of our enemies been killed?” he perked up a little.
“It doesn't really matter now, it can be dealt with another time… I'm sorry, but I have to ask, what are you two doing?” Jim finally addressed the elephant in the room (not literally of course, I'm pretty sure I'd have mentioned if a fully grown elephant called Fluffy was sat in the corner. And I don't think there was).
Both of them shuffled a little, before Ed finally spoke up, “Erm, we wanted to do some baking together. And we did. After the cupcakes went in the oven, we started a food fight. You caught the end of it.”
To put it one way, Ed was covered in flour, treacle, sugar, cherries, strawberries and eggs. Oswald, on the other hand, in melted chocolate, food colouring, butter, raspberries, strawberries and eggs. They were a mess.
“Wow. The Kings of Gotham had a food fight. I can see the headlines now,” Bullock deadpanned, trying not to lose his temper, as his new suit needed to be washed now, “We’ll be leaving now. Penguin. Riddler.”
With that he stormed off, Jim following. As soon as they heard the door close, they burst into fits of laughter, grasping at each other to stand upright.
“Hey, Ed. Shouldn't the cupcakes be ready? Like, five minutes ago?”
In a mad panic, the most powerful couple in Gotham, scrambled like there was no tomorrow to get the cakes out of the oven before they burned. Because apparently that was scarier than dealing with any of the criminal underworld.
They pulled up outside the GCPD. Jim and Harvey had been dreading this moment the whole ride. And they would have to explain why.
“Here goes nothing,” Jim huffed, but kept walking.
The whole station was shocked into silence, trying desperately not to laugh in fear of losing their jobs. As expected, Bullock stood at the front and… tried to explain what had happened to them.
He cleared his throat and began, “So you may have noticed that me and Detective Gordon are caked in eggs. No, it was not teenagers. In fact, we went to see the Cobblepots to discuss something. And we now deeply regret it, as, and I'm not joking, the Kings of Gotham were baking. That's right, baking. And had gotten into a food fight. Both were smothered in whatever they'd gotten hold of. Unfortunately, we got there just as they'd gotten to the eggs, and we were hit instead. I suggest you don't make any jokes about this situation, as either one of the Cobblepots will probably hunt you down and gut you like a fish. You may also lose your job here. Any questions? No. Good. As you were.”
“Nice job, Harvey,” Jim smiled, taking off his blazer in fear of getting the debris on anything else.
“I still think it's weird that they got married. I mean, the two most vicious criminals in Gotham are a couple . Oswald and Edward Cobblepot. Still creeps me out,” Bullock shivered at the thought.
“You think that's bad, I had to go to their wedding! As Penguin’s best man, too!” Jim whined.
“Yes,” Lucius Fox stopped on his way past to join the conversation, “But I had to be Edward's best man. He still calls me 'Foxy’. I still have nightmares from that night,” his eye twitching as he stared at the floor. Harvey patted his back in sympathy.
“It's okay, Fox. It's okay. We're here for you.”
Two days later, a huge green box with a purple question mark arrived at the GCPD, and a smaller version at the side of it. Once it had been determined that neither most definitely didn't contain a bomb or a live animal inside, they removed the lid of the larger one.
Inside was full of iced cupcakes, with a note on the top.
“It says, 'We baked too many the other day. Have these as an apology for the eggs. And no, they are not poisoned.' Signed Edward and Oswald Cobblepot. I'm making sure they aren't poisoned though. I don't trust either of them,” Harvey announced, it was all very suspicious. However, after a thorough check, the cakes weren't laced with anything. Nothing seemed wrong with it.
Each member of staff took one each, then Bullock remembered about the other box. He gently opened it, to find a shiny purple box with green ribbon and the word 'Foxy’ in glittery, curly writing.
“Fox?! We have something for you.”
Nervously, he walked up to the box, and removed the lid. There were four cupcakes, spelling out 'Foxy’ in even more glitter. Alongside was a note, reading 'Dear Mr Fox, I would like to apologise for Edward's antics, but he wanted you to have these. Yours, Oswald Cobblepot.’ and then on the back, in a different handwriting, 'P.S. Love, Edward Cobblepot xxx’.
“I can't get away from him, can I?” Lucius muttered, almost crying because the Riddler wouldn't just leave him alone.
“It's okay, Fox. Shh, shh. It's okay,” Jim appeared behind him, his mouthful of half a cupcake. He just hugged Fox, telling him everything was going to be okay.