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Frerin is fast asleep in my arms, and he looks so peaceful and content. My son. The only things I’ve ever done right. He is so small and innocent and pure, and I wish I could keep him this way forever. Everyone always says that he looks exactly like me, and it’s true in many ways. He has my nose, chin and hair color, and his size is that of a dwarf, but his eyes are all Bilbo.
They’re a brilliant shade of bright blue and almost always filled with wonder and love. When he stares up at me, all I see is Bilbo, and it’s perfect. I was so proud of my husband for giving birth to him, and like everything else Bilbo does, he did it with grace and silent strength. He was sweaty and looked exhausted by the time it was all over, but he had never looked more beautiful to me.
He was holding this baby, our baby, in his arms, and my breath was stolen away. What had I ever done to deserve such a perfect family? I never even realized that I wanted a family until I met Bilbo. He came along and changed everything I thought I knew. Now, I know without a doubt that I would give up my entire kingdom for them. It scares me, loving anyone so strongly that the thought of living without them is unbearable. I hope I die before either of them. I don’t think I could take the pain of losing them.
But I know I don’t deserve Bilbo or Frerin. I named him after my late brother and father, but I didn’t honor Bilbo’s family at all. It was unfair of me, and I knew that it hurt him, despite his half-smiles and support, but I did it anyway. I wanted my people, our people, to accept him. He is already facing a battle for acceptance by being only half-dwarf, and I thought that if his name was completely from the line of Durin, then it might make things a little easier on him.
The idea of anyone ever teasing my son or treating him like an outsider makes my blood boil, but there are some things that even a king can’t control. Most dwarves wouldn’t be foolish enough to directly insult or ostracize him, but it can be done subtly yet in a way that Frerin will still notice, and those are the times when there is nothing that I can do to protect him.
I could throw every other dwarf in cells, and it still wouldn’t stop the pain of not belonging that he would feel. I know that feeling well. It’s how I felt from the time Smaug chased us out of Erebor until the moment we reclaimed it. Like I was out of place and didn’t fit in anywhere. I never want him to feel like that.
Bilbo accepted the name easily, the way I knew that he would, and that only made the guilt worse. I don’t deserve someone like him. He is everything right with the world: unconditional love, altruism, bravery, and kindness; while I am everything that is wrong: greed, anger, and selfishness.
Yet Bilbo loves me for some reason. I don’t know why. He shouldn’t. He should love someone better; someone like Kili. I’m not blind. I see the way my sister-son looks at my husband. I know that Kili would do anything to be with Bilbo, and I also know that Bilbo would be better off with him.
They fit together well, and Kili could give him everything that I can’t. I can’t give him romantic gestures or say everything that I feel for him in some beautiful way like Kili could. I can’t even give him my entire heart, because a part of it will always belong to Erebor.
I don’t shower Bilbo in gold and gems because I think he likes it; I know those type of things don’t mean much to him. I do it because I don’t know how else to show that I love and cherish him. My parents and grandfather always taught me to be independent and strong and suspicious of everyone around me.
They said that I had to always guard myself from others, because everyone will take advantage of you if you let them in, and I couldn’t let it get that far. There was too much at stake; I was the heir to throne after all. I have lived like this my entire life. Then Bilbo changed me without even realizing it, and now I am terrified of ever losing him.
Even though I know that he deserves so much better than me, I will still selfishly accept his love, because that’s who I am. I’m selfish and a coward, because even though I can’t let him go, I still push him away. A king always spends a great deal of time ruling his kingdom, but I go beyond that. There are many times when I purposely look for extra work and find to stay away from my family, knowing that all Bilbo wants is me by his side.
I’m too afraid to give that to him. If I spend too much time with him and Frerin, then I run the risk of hurting them again. I remember how betrayed and heartbroken Bilbo was after the Arkenstone ordeal, and I would never forgive myself if I put him through that again. I know that Bilbo would forgive me again though, and that just makes me want to protect him even more, but I don’t know how to protect him from myself when I am too weak to let him go.
I need to protect my son too. I can’t spend too much time with him, because I don’t want to screw him up. I don’t want him to be like me. I should have named him after Bilbo, because it is my sincerest hope that Frerin turns out like him. It would kill me if my son ever had to feel the bitterness and self-loathing that I feel or the gnawing guilt that comes from hurting those closest to you out of anger or greed. I want him to be able to like himself.
That’s why I let Kili spend so much time with him. I would be thrilled if Frerin turned out more like my sister-son than me. Kili is good and courageous and kind, just like Bilbo, and that’s what I want for my son. He can be like that if I keep my distance.
So I hold Frerin for hours at night, just watching him sleep, until Bilbo calls me back to bed. I want to memorize every detail of his face and see the way his chest moves up and down with each breath. I want to always remember him like this.
I want to give him so much, yet I can give him nothing. Sure, I can give him gold and power, but I know now that stuff like that doesn’t really matter. Love and protection and support; that’s what matters, and that’s exactly what I can’t give him. So I hold him while he sleeps, when I know that I can’t ruin him.
I’m screwed up; too far gone to ever come back. There’s no hope left for me, but there is for him. Bilbo and Kili can teach him to be good. They can instill values and morals that I could only ever dream of possessing.
My son. He is so perfect. I want him to always be healthy and safe, of course, but my one other hope for him is that he turns out better than me.