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Frerin is dozing off in my arms as I rub his back to soothe him to sleep. My little boy. He means more to me than anything in the world. I would do anything for him. He looks so much like Thorin. His eyes and ears are mine, but everything else just screams Thorin.
Even as a baby, he looks so strong and majestic, like it’s an innate part of him. I am so proud of him already. The first time he smiled, I thought my heart would melt from joy. I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. I love many others, of course, but not like I love Frerin. The only one that even comes close is Thorin.
My husband and my king. I never cared that he was royalty; power and gold mean nothing to me; but his fierce determination and loyalty to his people are the things that I first fell in love with. Even when he was being downright rude and hostile towards me, I could see that he was a good leader, willing to sacrifice himself for his people. He inspires loyalty, because he gives it back tenfold. He is strong and stubborn and devoted and simply incredible.
I am proud that my son is named after his late brother and father. I know that Thorin feels guilty that he didn’t use a name from my family, but I never cared about that. I don’t need Frerin to be my heir or my legacy; just my son, and he can be that with a name from Thorin’s family. It’s important to him and even to his people, and it will help Frerin fit in as well.
There are still many dwarves who disapprove of me as the king’s consort. I experience it every day. It hurts, feeling their stares and muttered insults. I try to tell myself not to care, but it’s impossible to completely detach from the isolation I feel. I don’t want my son to feel that. I know that he will be strong-willed like his father, but enough discrimination would take its toll even on a proud king.
What’s worse is that Frerin will be so young when he first has to experience it, and it will be coming from his own kin; his own people. I don’t want him to suffer from that prejudice and ignorant hatred, all because he’s half-hobbit. I live everyday knowing that people hate me simply for my race; something that I was born with. I can’t choose it any more than I can choose my height or eye color.
Even though the company strongly supports me and insists that I have proven myself through the quest, not everyone agrees. Some still think me a betrayer for my part in the Arkenstone situation, and I’m not sure that I blame them. I’m not this perfect hobbit that Thorin makes me out to be.
Yes, I did use the stone to make a deal with Bard and Thranduil because I wanted to keep the peace and insure that everyone stayed safe, but was that really the only reason? I think, deep down, maybe a part of me did it to punish Thorin. The gold sickness made him treat me as if I was nothing compared to his precious treasure, and it stung.
I think that maybe a part of me wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Not consciously, I don’t think, but it was still there, hiding and festering under all my good intentions. I’ve never told Thorin this though, and I never will. I know he would claim that he understands, and he probably even would, but it would break his heart to hear me say it.
Still, it makes me feel like a fraud when the company hails me for being so selfless during that situation. They all have me on this pedestal, and I’m dreading the day when I fall off and everyone sees me for who I really am, flaws and all.
I’m not any better than any of them, yet they wholly believe that I am. Sometimes I wonder if anyone even sees the real me; if anyone loves the real me. I like to think that Thorin does. He still stills me as a paragon of virtue, but I know that he sees some of my flaws as well. He knows of my temper and jealousy, and he accepts it, and I am grateful for that.
I am positive that Kili only loves me for who he thinks I am though. I’m not a dumb hobbit. I can see how he feels for me, and it makes me sad. I’m not worthy of his love. He is young, naïve, and true. He thinks I can do no wrong, and that I deserve better than Thorin, but he has no idea.
I care for Kili a great deal; he’s amazingly kind and loyal, and I feel so honored and lucky to have him as a friend. I know that none of this is fair to him, but I can’t choose who I love. Maybe in another life it could have been him. Truthfully, even at the beginning of the quest, I’m sure I would have chosen Kili in a heartbeat, but it was different after I got to know Thorin.
I have always enjoyed watching people, because I feel like you learn so much more about them that way; you see the things that they try to hide; the parts of them that they only show when they think no one is looking. What I saw from Thorin broke my heart.
He is tragically broken; screwed up and damaged from his past, though rightfully so. He lost everything; his home, his kingdom, his family. No one would expect someone to escape from that unscathed, but Thorin is just so hard on himself. He thinks that he doesn’t deserve love, and that’s why he pushes me and Frerin away and throws himself into all the unnecessary extra work.
It kills me to see him torture himself like that. I want so badly to tell him that he does deserve love and happiness and a family, but I know he won’t believe me. He has his faults to be sure; his self-hatred and bitterness can drive me crazy, and he is completely emotionally-handicap, but those are just parts of him. He’s also kind and gentle and funny and loyal.
I don’t care for being showered in gold, but it does make me happy, because I get to see him smile every time he brings me something new. I know that he picks out each gem or gold piece himself, and every ring or belt or dagger is made or fashioned by him specifically, and that it worth more to me than he could ever know.
I have no doubts about his love for me; I can see it in his eyes and feel it in the way he makes love to me. He thinks he’s incapable of being romantic, but he’s so wrong. When we are alone at night and lying in bed, he looks at me with such love and devotion that it makes my heart ache. He holds Frerin for hours when he thinks that I’m sleeping, but I see it. I see the love and the pride on his face as he looks at our son, and it warms my heart.
He is so much more than he gives himself credit for. I wish that I could mend his broken soul and make him realize that he is amazing. I wish that he could see himself the way I do. His greatest flaw is that he needs to be saved from himself. He is a beautiful disaster, and I love him because of his flaws, not in spite them.
As I look down at our son, I know that I would be so proud if he turned out like Thorin. I just hope that Frerin differs enough from my husband that he can realize his own self-worth. We are so lucky and blessed to have Thorin in our lives, and I only wish that he could believe that.
More than anything, I wish that he could love himself as much as I love him.